[ scene opens in a baby’s bedroom, as a man changes a baby’s diaper ]
Man: When it came time to change my first diaper, I was pretty nervous. What kind of wipes should I use? Should I powder his little bottom? What if there’s redness? Well, there’s one thing I wasn’t nervous about.. and that was my choice of diapers. Dry Baby Disposals are the best. Even I know that. [ looking down at the baby ] Right, little guy?
[ the baby’s mother suddenly walks in ]
Mother: Who the hell are you?!
[ the stranger jumps out the window, as mother rushes to the baby’s crib ]
Announcer: Javis Home Security Systems. Because there are a lot of dirty creatures.
Jerry Seinfeld: It’s been an unbelievable week, thanks to David Bowie, A. J. Benza, this wonderful cast. My guys in L.A., Lorne Michaels. Let’s go Mets!!!!
[Scene of father helping son ride a bicycle for the first time, then, cut to the living room of their house]
Father: Trust, an important part of building a family, and an important part of building his future. That’s why I rely on Dillon/Edwards and Company. For nearly a century, investors on Wall Street have trusted Dillon and Edwards with their financial future. And now all of the resources from America’s oldest investment firm are available on-line. [Father is at the computer as the website appears, along with web address]Dillon and Edwards on the Internet, at www.clownpenis.fart. A lot of investment companies rushed onto the Internet, but Dillon and Edwards took their time. Sure, when they were ready, there was one web address left, but it’s one you can count on.
 Saturday Night Live Transcripts  Season 25: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 2nd, 1999 Jerry Seinfeld David Bowie None Dean Winters Harold Perrineau J.K. Simmons Lee Tergesen A.J. Benza Rick Ludwin Perot’s Reform PartySummary: Ross Perot (Cheri Oteri) yuks it up with Pat Buchanan (Chris Parnell) and other contenders vying to be his Reform Party candidate. Recurring Characters: Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump. Transcript
Montage
Jerry Seinfeld’s MonologueSummary: Jerry Seinfeld jokes about how he has spent his post-sitcom days doing nothing more than watching reruns of “Wings” on cable. Transcript
Dillon/Edwards InvestmentsSummary: Because the investment was slow in gaining an internet presence, they were stuck with the last remaining web domain – clownpenis.fart. Transcript
Morning LatteRecurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye. Transcript
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) falls for a Jewish boy (Jerry Seinfeld) on the basketball court. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Sean Patrick Flannery, Shelley Peterbuilt. Transcript
Javis Home Security SystemsSummary: A mother (Ana Gasteyer) catches a stranger (Will Ferrell) diapering baby. Transcript
Action 8 News WatchSummary: News anchors Connor Stands (Jerry Seinfeld) and Taffy Davenport (ana Gasteyer) dangle teasers without explanation. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: >Weekend update’s Millennium profile rates sharks as having been highly influential in the last thousand years. Jerry Seinfeld debates Jerry Seinfeld (Jimmy Fallon) on The Gap. Recurring Characters: Jerry Seinfeld. Transcript
David Bowie performs “Thursday’s Child”
OzSummary: While in prison, Jerry Seinfeld relives most of his classic sitcom conundrums. Transcript
1-800-EAT-SHITSummary: A motorist (Will Ferrell) dials the rude “How’s My Driving?” phone numbers and is surprised to reach actual operators on the extension.
…and a Pizza PlaceSummary: The leftover portion of a sitcom title tries to survive the new season on its own merit. Recurring Characters: Andy Dick. Transcript
David Bowie performs “Rebel Rebel”
Keeping Him AliveSummary: To get a puke (Jerry Seinfeld) to talk, a thug (Will Ferrell) alternately kills and revives him. Transcript
Sting: In 1990, I began a decade-long tantric orgasm, that is expected to culminate on January the 1st of 2000, causing power outages and computer failures all over the world.
Steven Tyler: So, here’s some of the music they played on “Saturday Night Live” during Sting’s orgasm.
Adam Sandler: Hello. I like that. That was excellent. I’m Adam Sandler, and, uh.. thank you. “Saturday Night Live”. Wow. What a great show. This is unbelievable. All these great people here. You know, a few years ago I used to be on this show, and that was a great time. And, uh.. a lot of people used to be on the show. And I’m sure they had a great time, too. [ pause ] Some people are still on this show.. and I bet they’re having a blast, also. Sketches.. and talking about funny things. A lot of good times. Uhh.. after the shows, uh.. sometimes, I would go with the other people who were on the show to the.. to the after the show parties.. and that was a good time, too.. yeah.. funny things and parties. And all the people.. all the people who have been on the show, that was.. so many people. So many funny things happened. [ awkward pause ] I’m sorry.. I’m not good at talking. Uh.. usually, when I was on the show, I didn’t write what I said. Other guys would write it for me, and that was.. that was probably better than what I’m doing now. So, why don’t I ask three great writers, who wrote a lot of stuff for me, to come bail me out. Uh.. Mr. Jim Downey, Mr. Rob Smigel, Mr. Tim Herlihy.
[ Rob Smigel, Jim Downey and Tim Herlihy step out and stand behind Adam ]
Alright. Fellas, can you help me out, fellas? Can you give me a little something.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: “Saturday Night Live”, ain’t no jive!
[ Rob Smigel whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: [ laughs ] Other shows think they’re great, but they’re not!
[ Tim Herlihy whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Okay.. “SNL” rules. And so does Ricky Martin.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: I’m making, like, $200 million for my next movie, and I’m not giving any to these guys.
[ Rob Smigel whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: 25 years.
[ Rob Smigel whispers the rest of the line into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Holy moly!
[ Tim Herlihy whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Alright.. I should use my show biz power to get my friends backstage passes to a Ricky Martin concert.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: [ chuckles ] Alright.. Hebby-hebby-hoo! Hebba-hebba-hoo! Hebby-hebba-hoo!
[ Rob Smigel whispers the corrected line into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: [ laughs ] Habababa! Spuuu!
[ Tim Herlihy whispers into Adam’s ear, making a sad face ]
Adam Sandler: Ricky Martin shouldn’t be so hasty with his fancy temporary restraining orders. Maybe if he took a minute to get to know somebody, he wouldn’t be so frightened.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Now, here are some music from our favorite decade, the 80’s.
Cheri Oteri: Gilda Radner was every young girl’s comedy idol.
Molly Shannon: Watching Gilda taught us the three most important things about comedy. If you’re gonna bang into a wall, you gotta do it like you mean it.
Cheri Oteri: Yeah. And don’t worry about looking geeky, because you can lok pretty later at the party.
Molly Shannon: Right. And don’t ever be afraid to let people see your underpants.
Cheri Oteri: Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. Now, here’s a clip that is just like Gilda herself.
…..Tom Hanks …..Garth Brooks …..Jon Lovitz …..Christopher Walken …..Sarah Michelle Geller …..James van der Beek …..Victoria Jackson
Tom Hanks: How do you do? Thank you very much. You know, I’ve hosted “SNL” seven times now, and what brings me back again and again and again is the excitement of doing a live show. For a film actor like myself, I don’t often get the chance to perform in front of a live audience –
Garth Brooks: [ interrupting from the audience ] Excuse me? Excuse me? Pardon me. [ laughing ] Hey, sorry. It’s live TV, man, I gotta ask you a question!
Tom Hanks: [ overjoyed ] Is this what I’m talking about, or what? I mean, anything can happen here, right? This is crazy! We weren’t even planning to take questions from the audience.. and yet! Okay! Yes! Country superstar Garth Brooks! What is your question?
Garth Brooks: Thank you! Sorry! [ laughing ] I’m just such a huge fan, dude! I’ve even got “Bachelor Party” on DVD, man, if you can believe that! I gotta ask you, man: what do you do with all the Oscars?
Tom Hanks: I get that question all the time. I have one on the bookcase, next to a picture of my kids.. I have one in the bathroom, you know, just to keep me humble.. and I have a line of them in the back of the garage, so that when I pull in, they reflect, and I don’t back into the wall.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz making himself very noticeable in the audience ]
Jon Lovitz: Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom Hanks: Jon Lovitz, ladies and gentlemen. Jon Lovitz. Do you have a question?
Jon Lovitz: [ sucking up ] Yes, Tom, you are one of the greatest hosts of all time. So, I was wondering.. well, who is your favorite cast member that you ever got to work with?
Tom Hanks: Well, that’s a tough one.. but I’m gonna say.. Will Ferrell. That guy is gonna make it. Very talented. [ moving on as Jon fumes ] Yes. Yes. You, sir?
[ cut to Christopher Walken in the audience ]
Christopher Walken: Hi.. I-I.. wanted to know.. I wanted to know how much of the show is scripted.. and how much of it is.. crazy make-em-ups.. and.. you know.. ad libs.. improvs?
Tom Hanks: A legitimate question. Contrary to popular belief, the show is not improvised. SNL has a great staff of writers who craft every line of the show.
Christopher Walken: Really? Because.. when I host.. I just say.. whatever I want. I free-associate.. and I make up the skits and bits right there.. and.. people seem to enjoy it.
Tom Hanks: [ dismayed ] Well.. you’re a special exception..
Christopher Walken: [ continuing ] One.. one time.. we did a sketch about a birthday party.. and I decided on-air that my character should have a French accent and rub himself. Julia Sweeney got very upset.. very upset.
Tom Hanks: Yeah, I’ve heard that they can never rerun that show.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz wacing frantically from the audience ]
Jon Lovitz: Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom Hanks: Next question, Jon Lovitz.
Jon Lovitz: [ trying again ] Now, Tom, you are the greatest host of all time. So, if you had to hoose your favorite performer from the cast I was in, who would it be?
Tom Hanks: Was Will Ferrell in the same cast as you?
Jon Lovitz: No!
Tom Hanks: Well, then.. I don’t.. I don’t know.. Next question. Yes.
[ Sarah Michelle Geller stands in the audience ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: Excuse me, Mr. Hanks? Uh.. when you say it’s the 25th anniversary, you don’t mean 25 years, do you?
Tom Hanks: [ dumbfounded ] Yes. Yes. Yeah, the show is entering its 25th year.
James van der Beek: [ standing ] You see, I told you.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Man, that’s old! That’s like Jason Priestly old!
James van der Beek: My mom said I was actually born during a Coneheads sketch.
Tom Hanks: You kids! Now, no drinking at the party, I mean it!
[ cut to Victoria Jackson in the audience ]
Victoria Jackson: Tom? I have a question?
Tom Hanks: Hey! Victoria Jackson, everybody!
Victoria Jackson: Um.. I’m a big fan of the show and everything, but I was just wondering: whatever happened to me.
Tom Hanks: Well.. you, uh.. you divorced that fireeater guy, you married a cop, and you had a baby, and you’re living in Florida, and every now and then you show up on “Politically Incorrect”. I hear you’re very happy.
Victoria Jackson: Oh. Good, I’m glad!
[cut to angry, fuming Jon Lovitz in the audience ]
Jon Lovitz: Tom!
Tom Hanks: Jon Lovitz!
Jon Lovitz: Tom!
Tom Hanks: Yes?
Jon Lovitz: [ sarcastic ] If you like Will Ferrell so much, why don’t you marry him!
Tom Hanks: No, come on, Jon, what do you want me to do? You want me to lie and say, “Jon Lovitz is my favorite cast member..”?
Jon Lovitz: [ exubirent ] He said it! He said it! Yes! Did you hear him! Thank you! Jon Lovitz is his favorite cast member! Jon Lovitz! Oscar winner Tom Hanks! And we’re best friends!
Tom Hanks: Alright, enough, that’s enough. Here are some highlights from the current cast, including my favorite performer Will Ferrell.
Paul Simon: What made “Saturday Night Live” unique when it debuted was the combination of cutting edge comedy with the best of popular music. And even though the 70’s are a much-maligned decade, it was the decade that saw the rise of the singer-songwriter, the advent of disco, the birth of new wave and punk rock – all of which could be seen on this show. Here’s a sample of musical guests from 1975 through 1979. Um..by the way, on a personal note – in retrospect, the moustache was a mistake. To Lorne, I’d like to say, “Thanks for the great ride!”
Air Date:
