Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 16th, 1999 Heather Graham Marc Anthony None Dana Carvey Kevin Nealon Scott Wainio Lorne Michaels Genetically Created CandidateSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) produce a hybrid clone (Horatio Sanz) of themselves. Recurring Characters: Al Gore, George W. Bush, President Bill Clinton.
Montage
Heather Graham’s MonologueSummary: The male cast members line up to hit on Heather Graham. Transcript
Litter CrittersSummary: Kids are bored with their pet cat until they discover the fun of molding fun toys out of cat poop. Transcript
The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura (Cheri Oteri) Zimmerman seduce another couple Heather Graham, Will Ferrell) on an airplane. Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman. Transcript
The Ladies’ ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and Rollergirl (Heather Graham) review sexy movies together. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
Where Are They Now?Summary: Hans (Kevin Nealon) and Franz (Dana Carvey) are reunited after spending many years apart. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Note: This was scheduled to air during the 25th Anniversary special three weeks earlier, but had to be cut because the festivities were running long.
NetAidRecurring Characters: Lynda Lopez, Jewel, David Bowie, Bono, Busta Rhymes
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: During “Update Forum”, Colin Quinn viciously debates a six-year old on the education crisis in America. Howatio Sanz comments on the recent Latin explosion in pop music and entertainment. Transcript
Marc Anthony performs “I Need To Know”
Dog ShowRecurring Characters: David Larry, Miss Colleen.
No Blair Witch ParodySummary: Despite repeated promises not to do so, Lorne Michaels produces a “Blair Witch” parody.
Marc Anthony performs “That’s Okay”
Three-Way CoupleSummary: After a failed three-way with the family babysitter (Heather Graham), warren (Chris Parnell) and Fran Kirney (Ana Gasteyer) discuss the aftermath of their experience. Recurring Characters: Warren Kirney, Fran Kirney.
…..Colin Quinn Jerry Seinfeld #1…..Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld #2…..Jimmy Fallon
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ah, we meet again!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are today’s top stories.
Yesterday, China celebrated the 50th anniversary of Communist rule with a nationwide festival of parades, speeches, and…I’m guessing, now, fireworks?
This week, Dan Quayle announced his withdrawl from the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Quayle cited the financial advantage of the George Bush campaign as a reason for his pull out, but emphasized that he nonetheless wishes his old boss all the best in his presidential bid.
When asked for his reaction to the withdrawl announcement, Pat Buchanan responded that Quayle was inferior, and needed to be eliminated.
The Washington Post reported today that Al Gore’s campaign manager, Craig Smith, has stepped down, because of Gore’s decision to relocate his headquarters to Nashville. Staffers expect Smith to be replaced by this man. [photo of Roy Clark]
A physical examination of Texas governor George W. Bush revealed that the presidential hopeful is in excellent health with the minor exception of mild hearing loss. Doctors assured reporters that the hearing loss was to be expected; you know how people always talk your ear off when you’re doing coke with them?…Said the doctor.
A runaway chain reaction at Japan’s Tokaimura uranium processing plant Thursday exposed thousands of people to dangerous levels of radiation. Japanese officials admitted that, although the r – radiation was bad, it was nothing compared to the time they had two atom bombs dropped on them. [some applause]
Country music superstar Garth Brooks has adopted an alter ego for his new concept album entitled In the Life of Chris Gaines….Funny, that’s the exact disguise I use whenever I go out to buy [doctored photo of Colin Quinn with the Chris Gaines hairdo — long, black hair on top and a little hair underneath the bottom lip] a Garth Brooks album. [some cheers and applause]
In local news, New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has drawn criticism this week for his attempts to shut down a Brooklyn museum [one audience member boos] exhibit featuring a rendition of the Virgin Mary that’s in questionable taste. While he was in Brooklyn, the mayor also shut down questionably tasteful renditions of the Virgin Mary found [doctored photo of a Virgin Mary headstone in a yard] on lawns throughout the borough. [applause and some cheers]
The painting itself, which portrays the holy mother splattered with elephant dung, is being exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and will be covered by plexiglass to prevent protesters from defacing it….Which would involve what, cleaning the elephant dung off it?
Now tonight, “Weekend Update” presents the first in a series of retrospectives looking back at the last thousand years. As it draws to a close, we reflect on the millennium.
[Fade to black as dark, mysterious music plays; cut to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, a shark.]
Annoucer #1: A thousand years. Ten centuries of human history. We cannot tell every story. So we must choose one to speak for them all. But whose? The explorers? The great generals? Sharks? We went with the sharks.
[music becomes more triumphant; dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part One: Sharks.
[fade to black, then fade up to a series of clips featuring sharks]
Announcer #1: 1000 AD. All over the world, sharks greet the new millennium by swimming and eating things. This continues for several centuries. Meanwhile, on land, the Mongols invade China. And the Black Death sweeps Europe. Sharks are not affected by any of this. But, as the Middle Ages begin, suddenly we find that sharks keep doing the same stuff. [dissolve to picture of Johannes Gutenberg demonstrating his printing press] Then, in 1454, Johannes Gutenberg perfects movable type printing. [dissolve to more clips of sharks] This leads to a flourishing of shark art and culture. Provided, “art and culture” mean “eating and swimming,” and “flourishing” means “stay the same.” You know, as it turns out, these water-breathing death tubes may not be the best way to relate a thousand years of history. Anyway, our bad!
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause as music fades out; fade to black, then fade up to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: NASA admitted this week that the Mars Orbiter probe was destroyed after burning up in the atmosphere because scientists failed to convert English units of measurements to metric ones….A bunch of real rocket scientists, these guys, huh?…Despite the loss of the 125-million-dollar satellite, however, NASA says not to worry, ’cause it’s only a dollar 25 in metric money.
President Clinton vetoed a Republican tax bill last week, calling it, quote, “too big and too bloated.” If only he applied the [photo of Monica Lewinsky] same standards to everything. [mixed reaction]…The country’s turned pro-Lewinsky in the summer, huh? All right.
Edmund Morris, the author of Dutch, the controversial new Ronald Reagan biography, has been criticized for creating a fictional character as a device for telling the Reagan story. The character’s name? Chris Gaines.
Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura dismissed a barrage of criticism stemming from a Playboy interview, in which he called organized religion “a sham” and “a crutch for the m – weak-minded,” and suggested that prostitution and drugs should be legalized. Ah heh! He doesn’t sound so crazy now, does he?
Former senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley admitted last week to smoking pot during his younger days. Really? I never would’ve dreamed that somebody who spent the 1970s hangin’ out with guys named “Earl the Pearl” and “Clyde” would even have access to pot.
A Kentucky man was arrested this week after entering the home of actress Ashley Judd. The intruder was held by police until having his bond posted by a desperate and lonely Wynonna. [mostly groans]
Breastfeeding…breastfeeding on federal property got the seal of approval under a bill President Clinton signed into law this week. I mean, what were the odds of [photo of a thumb-up Bill Clinton] that one not getting it? [cheers and applause]
And now it’s time for tonight’s point-counterpoint. Our topic: Should the government impose tighter restrictions on the so-called soft money campaign donations? Here to argue in favor of new spending limits is former television star Jerry Seinfeld.
[pan over to Jerry #1]
Jerry Seinfeld #1: Thank you, Colin. [clears throat]
Colin: And taking the counterpoint is [Jerry Seinfeld #2 enters next to Jerry #1] former television star Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry Seinfeld #2: Okay, thanks, Colin! Thanks a lot, buddy!
Colin: Gentlemen, your topic is campaign finance reform. Begin.
Jerry #1: What is going on with the Gap? First it was T-shirts, jeans, the khakis — that was great, but now they’re inventing clothing. Have you seen these drawstring pants? Where – w – where am I going in these things, a clambake? Slumber party? Should I volunteer at a hospital?
Jerry #2: Jerry, what are you talking about? I love the Gap!…It’s like going into your closet, except there’s a guy in there! “Hey, guy, pocket tee?” “Really? Thanks, Gap! What, you’ll refold it?” This place is great! [cheers and applause; says something inaudible to Jerry #1]
Jerry #1: Jerry, you ignorant slut. [cheers and applause]…First, they’re swing dancing. Now they want us to wear a vest! It’s stupid! It looks stupid! I say, let’s not wear the vest! We gotta stop these people!
Jerry #2: I know! And those commercials, I mean, they’re not even dancing for us anymore!
Jerry #1: Yes! Just this sullen line of teenage automatons barking out orders!
Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest! We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!”
Jerry #1 and Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!” [cheers and applause; both look at each other, smile, and nod]
Jerry #1: You’re funny!
Jerry #2: So are you! So are you!
Colin: Hey, uh, fellas, you seem to have found a lot of common ground. Perhaps in the future, we shouldn’t have a person debate himself.
Jerry #1: But – but he makes a good point!
Jerry #2: I like what this guy has to say.
Jerry #1: I know. You’re me.
Jerry #2: Uh, no, you’re not. I’m you!
Jerry #1: I know! I’m kidding!
Jerry #2: I know you’re kidding!
Jerry #1: I know you’re kidding about me kidding! I’m kidding!
Jerry #2: Wanna go see a movie?
Jerry #1: Yeah!
Jerry #2: Yay!
Jerry #1: Let’s go!
[cheers and applause as both Jerrys leave the studio on their chairs]
Colin: Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it….[collects his sheaf of papers] Good night!
Head Thug…..Will Ferrell Puke…..Jerry Seinfeld Thug #2…..Horatio Sanz Thug #3…..Jimmy Fallon
[ a Puke is getting beat up by a group of thugs in an abandonedwarehouse ]
Head Thug: Tell us what we need to know, you lousy puke!
Puke: Oh, why don’t you just kill me and get it over with!
Head Thug: I’m afraid it’s not gonna be that easy. You see, I knowa thing or two about the human body.. and, if I have to, I can keepyou alive for weeks ’til I get what I want outta you.
Puke: Screw you!
[ the two other Thugs begin to viciously beat the puke to a pulp, untilthey discover that they’ve killed him ]
Head Thug: Alright, alright! That’s enough!
Thug #2: Hey.. he’s not moving.
Head Thug: I’m not getting a pulse.. Alright, get him on the table. [ the two thugs pick him up and drag him across the floor onto a hospitalstretcher ] Watch his neck! I think he’s had a contusion of the frontallobe – he’s going into shock. Incubate him. I want 60 CCs of saline, stat.Foot pressure?
Thug #2: 80 over 60.
Head Thug: Okay, he may have some internal bleeding. We may needa catscan.
Thug #2: We don’t have one.
Head Thug: St. John’s has one. Why don’t we have one?Damn, this old warehouse! Don’t take your eyes off that EKG, Sammy!
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: LATER THAT NIGHT ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Thug #2 offering a drink of water to therecovering puke ]
Thug #2: Easy.. easy.. there you go.. alright.
Head Thug: [ looking at his patient’s chart ] Well.. you had quite alittle episode there, haven’t you? Have you been up at all?
Puke: I just went to the bathroom for a little bit..
Head Thug: Good, good.. Take it slow, so you’ll feel better. Do youfeel better?
Puke: Yeah.. much better..
Head Thug: Good, good.. that’s great to hear.. [ smacks him acrossthe face with his chart ] Let’s go! Let’s get him into the chair! [ thetwo other Thugs drag the puke out of the stretcher and toss him back intothe chair ] So, are you ready to talk, Puke?!
Puke: Go to Hell!
[ the Thugs start beating him up again, as he moans inaudibly ]
Head Thug: [ stopping the brawl ] What is it? What is it? Don’ttry to talk. Let’s go, people! Call Hank at ICU! Tell him to get ready!
Thug #2: Who’s Hank?
Head Thug: Just do it! Mr. Puke, can you hear me? You’ve beenbadly beaten, but you’re gonna be okay!
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Head Thug taking notes on Puke’s chart ]
Head Thug: How’s our little patient?
Puke: Could you.. raise the bed up.. a little bit..?
Head Thug: Sure, fine.. [ raises the bed ] How’s that?
Puke: ..Better..
Head Thug: Yeah? Better?
[ the group of Thugs jump on top of the stretcher and start to beat upthe Puke all over again ]
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Puke laying helpless in the stretcher asthe Thugs examine him ]
Head Thug: Let’s see.. we did a little plastic surgery on you.. Itlooks good. I ddin’t realize I was treating Cary Grant, except for thisblood here. Are you feeling better?
Puke: [ realizing the trap, shakes head ] Uh-uh! No!
Head Thug: [ holding bat up high ] You’re not feeling better?
Puke: [ nervous ] No, no, not better at all, no. It’s worse!
[ Head Thug puts on a clown nose and holds a little doll in his hand ]
Thug #2: [ confused ] Boss, what are you doing?
Head Thug: Don’t you understand? You treat the disease, you lose.Treat the patient, you win. [ steps into a pair of bedpans and dancesaround ] Look at me, I’m a Monkey-Man! I’m a Monkey-Man!
[ the Puke starts to laugh ]
Thug #2: Boss! Look! He’s laughing! You’re gettin’ through tohim! It’s a miracle!
Head Thug: Alright! [ takes off his bedpan shoe and swats the Pukein the face with it ]
[ Thug #2 picks up the EKG machine and smashes it over the Puke’s skull ]
Head Thug: We’re losing him! Pedals! [ places them on thePuke’s chest ] Clear! Don’t give up on me! Live, dammit, live!
Thug #2: He’s alive!
Head Thug: Alright, now talk! [ punches the Puke’s face ]
Thug #2: He’s dead!
Head Thug: No! [ pounds the Puke’s chest ]
Thug #2: He’s alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead! [ HeadThug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead![ Head Thug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ]Dead! [ Head Thug collapses on the Puke’s chest ] Are you saving him, orare you beating on him?
Head Thug: I don’t know. I just don’t know!
Thug #2: Boss! It’s too late!
Head Thug: [ upset ] Alright, let’s call it. Autopsy.
Thug #2: What for?
Head Thug: Because I want to know why this happened, so that it doesn’t happen again.
Ross Perot…..Cheri Oteri Pat Buchanan…..Chris Parnell Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond Jesse Ventura…..Will Ferrell
[Caption: Reform Party Headquarters-Dallas, Texas]
Ross Perot: Gentlemen, I think we all know why we’re here. [Chair swivels around to show strange Mr. Perot] Now, the Reform Party needs a new crazy leader. Now, maybe it might be Pat Buchanan [Buchanan is shown], or maybe Donald Trump [Trump shown puckering lips]; but it sure as Hell won’t be me. [maniacal laugh]. Apparently, fellas, I wasn’t insane enough for the American people. Now what we need is a real nutbag.
Pat Buchanan: I couldn’t agree more, the American people….
Ross Perot: Pat, Pat let me finish! Would you let me finish, Pat? Now, I’m gonna ask you gentlemens a few questions.
Pat Buchanan: Go ahead.
Donald Trump: Shoot.
Ross Perot: Okay, Pat, you eager beaver; where do you stand on illegal aliens, Pat?
Pat Buchanan: Ross, we have a serious illegal alien problem in this country; foreigners in general are repulsive to me!
Donald Trump: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the boat! The Donald employs an army of illegal aliens in as many fine Atlantic City hotels and casinos. Sure, they steal and talk funny, but if they’re fresh off the burrito bar, they’ll work for 15 cents a week. [laughs] I’ve seen it happen.
Ross Perot: Okay, fellas, that’s all well and good, you see, but I’m not talking about foreigners. I’m talking about aliens, martians, come on!
Pat Buchanan: Martians?
Ross Perot: Yes, martians, you know, come on! The weird spacesuits, the rap music, Veracon and the million man marchs. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t seen them with the ray guns?
Pat Buchanan: Oh, Ross, I for one would pass a law making it impossible for “martians” [all laugh] to have ray guns.
Ross Perot: Good answer, Patty, good answer!
Pat Buchanan: Oh, I desperately need that money and will say or do anything for it.
Ross Perot: I like the way you talk, Patty. Now what about weird ideas, fellas, reform party candidates always have weird ideas. American people like weird ideas. Whatcha got for me, Patty?
Pat Buchanan: Well, now I’ve been throwing some pro-Nazi stuff out there, seeing how it plays. I think the American people are very receptive. I want to try a little mustache, too here. Ya know, maybe make myself more recognizable. [Takes out Hitler mustache and puts it on] Huh? What do you say?
Ross Perot: I like it, I like it. Whatdya got for me, the Donald?
Donald Trump: First off, the Donald has a few plans for that staunchy and outdated old White House, you understand? Gentlemen, I give you the Trump House. [Reveals a drawing of the Trump House, resembling Trump Plaza Hotel] A 90-story deluxe government facility and gambling casino, all brass and class. And to top it all off, my campaign slogan: “I got it, you want it, come and get it!” [laughs] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, one more thing. Pat, you like chicks right? [Buchanan appears confused] Forget it. Ross, you like chicks, right? [Perot giggles excitedly] Okay. Alright, the interns under the Donald’s desk are gonna be a lot classier than Monica Lewinsky. Ladies, come on in! [Three ladies begin to flaunt over the Donald]
Pat Buchanan: Now come on, this is ridiculous! America won’t stand for this! This man is a cheap hustler with barroom morals. Ross, I beg you…
[Suddenly, a giant crash comes from the wall and Jesse Ventura enters enraged]
Ross Perot: It’s Jesse! Run for your lives!!!
[Everybody exits except for Ventura and Buchanan appears to have fallen on the floor]
Jesse Ventura: [incredibly loud] I’m the leader of this party! I won in Minnesota! And I can take this country, and put it in a massive headlock! Now, get ready to get bodyslammed! [picks up dummy of Buchanan] Come here!
Pat Buchanan: What are you doing?!
[Ventura proceeds to viciously beat Patty]
Jesse Ventura: Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you!
Pat Buchanan: Put me down! Put me down! I want you to be my vice-president!
[Ventura then throws Buchanan out into the audience]
Jesse Ventura: What are you looking at America?! You think I’m a joke?! Well, you won’t when I’m your next president! Oh, yeah…”Live, from New York, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!”
Executive #1: What if we moved “Law and Order” to Friday?
Executive #2: No…that would leave us with less than 13 hours of Stone Philips a week.
Executive #3: We can’t do that, that would be like crapping in our own backyard.
Executive #4: [enters] Well, I think I have an answer to our little 8:30 problem. As you all know ABC has changed “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place” to “Two Guys and a Girl.” Well, I just got off the phone with Doug Drasin in business affairs and we made a deal. We’re bringing “…and a Pizza Place” to ding, ding, ding: NBC.
Executive #3: [laughs with acceptance]
Executive #2: I’m not with you.
Executive #4: Well, Janice, you know the show “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?”
Executive #2: Yeah.
Executive #4: Can you name the girl?
Executive #2: Um…
Executive #4: Or how about just one of the two guys?
Executive #2: Uh…
Executive #4: But can you tell me where they generally eat at?
Executive #2: At a pizza place!
Executive #4: Thank you.
Executive #1: So you’re saying—
Executive #4: I’m saying I just gave “…and a Pizza Place” a 13-episode on-air commitment.
Executive #2: But who’s in it?
Executive #4: Whoever likes pizza! You want a slice?
Executive #2: Uh, sure!
Executive #4: You’re in the show.
Executive #1: So a typical show would be—
Executive #4: Ah, there’ll be some ovens, there’ll be some tables. Maybe some garlic…I’m not a writer.
Executive #2: You know my daughter and her friends like pizza.
Voiceover: And now stay tuned for the premiere of “…and a Pizza Place.”
[exterior of pizza restaurant, along with music and pedestrians walking by]
[title appears: …and a Pizza Place]
[caption: Created by James Burrows]
[overhead shot inside pizza place]
[shot of guy eating pizza and drinking soda, canned laughter]
[pizza put on baking sheet, canned applause]
[back to board room, months later]
Executive #1: Here’s the ratings for “Pizza Place.”
Executive #4: Wow, what a dropoff.
Executive #3: Oh boy!
Executive #2: Ooooh, geez, the first six weeks we were blowing “The King of Queens” out of the water! What’s the problem?
Executive #3: I’ll tell you what’s the problem, the show has been terrible lately. There’s no calzones. The soda machine is broken. Some guy burnt the roof of his mouth.
Executive #4: I blame the writers.
Executive #1: Well, that’s not our only trouble. Have you read any of the mail we’ve been getting? “What is this show? I don’t get it. Why are you people doing this?”
Executive #3: Okay, wait a second, here’s an idea. I had a very interesting lunch with a very appealing slice. Ricotta cheese.
Executive #2: Ooh.
Executive #3: Yeah. I had not seen that before.
Executive #4: Are we talking guest shot here?
Executive #1: I’ll call the producer. [dials phone]
Chef: Hello, “…and a Pizza Place!”
Executive #1: Listen, Josepi, we’ve been going over the ratings and…
Chef: Well, don’t-a worry, don’t-a worry too much! We’re going to have a strong week, next week-a. We gonna have the ices!!!
Executive #1: Alright, we had an idea we wanted to run by you. There’s a slice of pizza we are very excited about. We want you to give it a guest shot.
Chef: Okay, what kind of slice-a?
Executive #1: It’s gotta ricotta cheese on it.
Chef: Okay, let me talk to the writers. Hey guys, it’s NBC. They wanna ricotta cheese-a slice-a. [writers are chefs]
Writer #1: Ricotta?
Writer #2: Yeah, we could do that.
Chef: Okay, they make-a you the slice, you pick it up.
Executive #1: No, no, no, no, we want it on the show.
Chef: Ok, it’ll be ready about-a 15 minute.
Executive #4: How’d it go?
Executive #1: It’ll be ready in 15 minutes.
Executive #4: Good, good. Let’s get to work on Leno’s monologue.
Executive #3: Alright.
Rick Ludwin: Leno, genius!
[all applaud]
[screenshot of 52nd Annual Emmy Awards]
Executive #4: Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Dick! [Dick approaches podium]
Andy Dick: Thank you, omigod!! I’m so glad to be here, wow! God, I just wish I wasn’t so hopped on blow. I mean pills, omigod!!!! Why did I just correct myself?! Anyway, the nominees for best supporting actor are—David Hyde Pierce [stock footage], Peter Boyle [footage], a slice of ricotta cheese pizza [shown on chair with a bow tie], and John Mahoney! [more footage] And the winner is…God, I can’t wait to go out tonight and have sex with a guy. Omigod!!!!! Why am I talking?!!! Where did that come from? And the winner is…Mr. David Hyde Pierce.
[scrolling dialogue with voiceover]
Executive #4: Even though it didn’t win the Emmy, the slice of ricotta cheese pizza went on to win the People’s Choice and the Viewers for Quality Television Award and was the odds-on favorite at the Golden Globes until it was accidentally consumed at a pre-show party by ER’s Eriq La Salle.
[dark and dingy pizza place]
A.J. Benza: Fame, ain’t it a bitch? [eats slice and throws the crust away]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine,and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating theMassachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quipsJerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV criticsas “Satisfactory At Best”, Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum securityprison.
That facility is known as..”
[ cut to title card: “OZ” ]
[ show various fragments of Oz prison life – cut to Jerry carefully placingtoilet paper around the rim of the toilet in his prison cell ]
[ show more scenes of prison life – segue to Jerry working out in the prisongym ]
[ show two male inmates making out in the shower, slow pan left to Jerryflossing his teeth at the sink, disgusted at the scene taking place behind him ]
[ open on Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, forming a huddle with some of the other inmates, as Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, descends the stairs in the background ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Listen up – Beecher’s going down. In the shower. I’m gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.
[ Jerry Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd ]
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, fellas. I noticed there’s no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?
[ the prisoners give Jerry a series of dirty looks ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Who are you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you! [ extends his hand ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?
Jerry Seinfeld: Y-yeah. But people don’t seem to have a problem with it on a national level. [ smiles ]
[ cut to Jerry standing next to ?? on the second-floor balcony ]
Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It’s so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It’s like a spa. You know, you’re not looking too good.
?? : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.
Jerry Seinfeld: [ backing off ] Well.. good luck with all that! [ walks away ]
[ cut to the prison cafeteria – Jerry eating lunch with some of the other inmates. Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, gives a dirty look to Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, as he walks past the table. ]
Jerry Seinfeld: What is with you two?
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch.. then he burned a swastika into my ass.. and then I took a crap in his face. And that started a whole.. thing!
Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!
Prisoner #2: [ gives Jerry a strange look ] Anyway.. he nearly broke every bonein my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!
Connor Stands…..Jerry Seinfeld Taffy Davenport…..Ana Gasteyer Hale Breezy…..Chris Parnell Sorrell Matthews…..Tim Meadows Roger Sorkin…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: It’s the 11 o’clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Standsand Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.
Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has beenassassinated. But president of what? We’ll tell you in the nexthalf-hour. Taffy?
Taffy Davenport: Connor, it’s no bark and all bite for goldenretrievers and other so-called family dogs. What’s causing these sweet andfurry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we’lltell you in a minute.
Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item – something weall have in our homes and are probably using right now – is found to be fullof lethal poison. We’ll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prisonbreak, threatening to kill the person he meets in a large public area.Coming up, we’ll tell you where, and Hale Breezy’s gonna guide usthrough this evening’s approaching monsoon.
Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm ismoving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I’ll give youtips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!
Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: youwon’t find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?
Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter SorrellMatthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insectsin your community.
Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may ornot be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourselffrom this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bugrepellents.
Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in onecommon everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurologicaldisorder. We’ll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?
Connor Stands: Another hint: you can’t bounce it. More on thatdeadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report,Newswatch’s own Taffy Davenport asks the question, “Are We Really Safe?”
Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Ourchildren? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safetyproducts safe? A new study says no. I’ll wrap it up for you later in thehour.
Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, noris it made of plastic. And you don’t even have to use it for it to endyour whole life. I’ll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: And you don’t want to miss tonight’s Roger SorkinMinute.
Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler’s kneecap? Youbetcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousindid! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parkedcar eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don’t panic? No, panic! Panic!Don’t miss a minute of the minute!
Connor Stands: This just in – that household product has just gottendeadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.
Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?
Connor Stands: You’ll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy,at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top,live at the State Fairgrounds.
Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: hewill be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what?We’ll tell you after the break.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yo, thank you very much! You’re too good! [wild applause] This is great, so great to see you all here. It is so great, so many people all week have been asking me about what I’m doing now that I’m done with the show. And, I just want you to know I just sold my house in L.A., and moved back to New York and its been great. [more wild applause]
Great! Great to be back in the city, it’s the most exciting city in the world; I give you my typical day. Up at eight, no matter what I have my juice, always like to pop on the USA channel and watch “Wings.” They usually have two of them, that’s a solid hour block. That leads right into “The Single Guy” at nine; then “Ned and Stacey,” “Boston Common,” and then obviously “Naked Truth” at 10:30.
Then it’s over to F/X for another hour of “Wings”, which is always solid. Then its 1:00, time to get going. So, I flip on “Days”——-“Days of Our Lives,” but that whole thing with Kristian Alfonso playing both Hope and Princess Gina, I mean, why doesn’t she play Kristof and kidnap the baby too while she’s at it?
Then, by the afternoon, my brain feels like mush, and that’s when I take advantage of one of the single greatest things about living in New York, “The Equalizer!” Everyday at five, six, and seven.
Then, it’s dinnertime, and I get out of my pajamas finally. Get in my sweatpants and hit the street! So many great restaurants. I know this little place near me——well, it’s not so much a restaurant as it is a cart, but it is the best meat-on-a-stick in the city. And after six or seven of them, I’ve had it.
So I go home, grab some Pop-Tarts and a Yoo-Hoo; get in the tub. And then at ten, check out a little TV, Spanish station. They have this show, “Aeropuerto,” it’s a little like “Wings.” [huge laughter] I like that show. Then up at eight for another day in New York, the greatest city in the world. Anyway, that’s basically what I’ve been up to; plus I dated a couple of married women. [huge applause] But we’ve got a great show, David Bowie is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Shelley Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri Sean Patrick Flannery…Will Ferrell Student…Ana Gasteyer Avram Horowitz…Chris Kattan Manute Greenburg…Tim Meadows Lenny Schwartzmann…Jerry Seinfeld Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon
[exterior of St. Monica’s Catholic High School, several Catholic children walking around]
Shelly Peterbuilt: Hi, Sean.
Sean Patrick Flannery: Hey.
Shelly Peterbuilt: You excited to play in the big game today? You guys are so awesome!!!
Sean Patrick Flannery: You know it. Today’s a tough one, we’re playing the best basketball team in the interfaith league…Yeshiva Academy.
Student: They won the under five-foot division. There they are, omigod!!
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, omigod!
[basketball players come out one by one as Flannery calls them off]
Sean Patrick Flannery: That little guy is Avram Horowitz. Avram Horowitz; he’s the fastest forward in the league. Yeah, oh, oh, and that’s Manute Greenburg. He’s black!
Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: Oh!
Sean Patrick Flannery: He just transferred from Ethiopia.
Student: Omigod, look who’s coming!
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!
Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right.
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!
Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right, it’s Lenny Schwartzmann, the Jewish Michael Jordan. [comes out with curly afro]
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod. Lenny is so cute. He’s the sexiest thing under a yarmulke I have ever seen.
Student: Omigod, omigod!!!
Shelly Peterbuilt: I’d like to ask him out but I’m so embarrassed.
Sean Patrick Flannery: Me too.
Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: What?
Sean Patrick Flannery: I mean just to shoot some baskets. I gotta go. [exits]
Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, Lenny is so awesome. He would never go out with a Catholic girl, though.
Student: I know, I know, we’ll never know. I mean who would have the nerve to ask him. Omigod. Omigod. [they leave]
[Mary Katherine Gallagher appears]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Lenny Schwartzmann: What’s up?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What’s up! I just want to say that you make a really great Jew basketball player.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Thanks, you know there’s been a lot of great Jewish basketball players. Dolph Shays, uh, Moses Malone, I think.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I also wanted to know if maybe sometime you would be interested in going out with me for a…for a…for a knish?
Lenny Schwartzmann: Uh, k-no!!!
Avram Horowitz: Ah nice, that was so Jewish Michael Jordan!
Manute Greenburg: [clicking noise]
Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man.
Manute Greenburg: [more clicking]
Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man. Alright, I’m the man. Come on, let’s go warm up guys. [teammates leave] Mary!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah?
Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m really sorry about the way I just acted. I’d like to go out with you but my parents won’t let me date a non-Jewish girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Why, because they think that I’m a slutty shiksa?
Lenny Schwartzmann: Actually, it was dirty, slutty shiksa.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, my grandmother probably wouldn’t like it either. But she does say that Jewish guys are good providers and you’re very crafty.
Avram Horowitz: Lenny, hurry up. [at the door]
Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m coming.
Manute Greenburg: [clicking, at the door]
Lenny Schwartzmann: I said I’m coming!!!! You know, Mary, we’re just torturing ourselves, we’re too different. [sees Mary’s normal ritual] What are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell ’em like that. That’s gross.
Lenny Schwartzmann: I guess that’s a Catholic thing. No, I better go.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No wait, Lenny, no whoa, no okay. [begins to fake her out] Okay, okay, okay. Be serious. I just want to say that…Lenny, we’re really not that different, you know. I mean, after I met you, I rented “Fiddler on the Roof” and I watched it 26 times in a row.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Really? Isn’t Topel a genius?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, he’s great.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Oh, Mary, your skirt’s so plaid, it drives me mad! Maybe Billy Joel is right, Catholic girls do start much too late. Billy Joel rules!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah!
Lenny Schwartzmann: But can I ignore 6,000 years of tradition just to get a little Catholic poozle? I guess it’s you or bacon, Mary. What do you think I should do?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well…my feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from the movie, “Yentl” starring Mandy Patinkin and the great Barbra Streisand, as a young male-slash-female rabbi in training.
Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m with ya.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay…Forget about tradition. Forget about it, listen to your heart. Love knows no…no race or…or…or…religion. Papa can you hear me? Papa? Papa? Papa? [speaks in Yiddish loudly and falls backwards into bushes and statue of Virgin Mary]
Lenny Schwartzmann: Mary?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Would you go out with me?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, but I won’t convert.
Lenny Schwartzmann: Great, then we’ll just fool around. [kisses Mary] I’ll see you after the game. [exits]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, ‘bye Lenny! [jumps and slides on her knees] Jewish Boys!!!!
Announcer…Darrell Hammond Tom Wilkins…Will Ferrell Cass Van Rye…Cheri Oteri Eli Van Rye…Chris Parnell Dr. Jedediah Purdy…Jerry Seinfeld
[Morning Latte Credits]
Announcer: Good morning; grab a cup and get ready for Morning Latte!
Tom Wilkins: Woo!
Cass van Rye: Wow!
Tom Wilkins: Woo!
Cass van Rye: Geez!
Tom Wilkins: Woo!
Cass van Rye: Wow!
Tom Wilkins: Welcome to the Latte, I’m Tom Wilkins. What a tough morning!
Cass van Rye: Woo! And I’m Cass Van Rye! Yikes!
Tom Wilkins: Yikes!
Cass van Rye: Yikes!
Tom Wilkins: It’s not even ten a.m. and we’ve lost a producer and a hairdresser.
Cass van Rye: I’m telling you, talk about Murphy’s Law, what happened? What just happened?!
Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you what happened!
Cass van Rye: What happened?
Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you what happened. Cass’s hair person Tito just ripped her a new one. Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Well, Tito was late, and I said to him, “Hey, okay, I celebrate your gay Hispanic culture, my friend…”
Tom Wilkins: You’re here and you’re queer, we know.
Cass van Rye: We know, we know, okay. “But smoking ecstasy and raving ’til dawn with your gay buddies is no excuse for tardiness!”
Tom Wilkins: No, no.
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: No.
Cass van Rye: Come on! And then he did this snapping thing [snaps fingers repeatedly] like this to me…
Tom Wilkins: Uh-huh, right…
Cass van Rye: …and then left. Tom, it was like this right in my face.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah. No, no, I saw it, I saw it. [grabs her aggressively to stop the annoying snapping while Oteri tries not to laugh] I was there, I was there. Now the snapping thing happened after you called him a dirty brown he-she. Yeah. Now, and to make matters worse, our producer of two weeks, Shelby Gaines, quits over losing a parking spot.
Cass van Rye: What’s that about?
Tom Wilkins: What up? What up?
Cass van Rye: What’s that about? What up?
Tom Wilkins: My new Expedition takes up one and a half spots but sorry, Shelby, talk to my Ford dealer.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Or to my hand.
Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand.
Tom Wilkins: Talk to my hand.
Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand. You know, luckily I had — I called my husband Eli out of a merger meeting so he could come to the studio to bring me the back of my earring.
Tom Wilkins: And we just slapped some headphones on him. So folks, will you please welcome our producer for the day, Mr. Eli Van Rye.
[shows eerily relaxed and quiet Eli Van Rye]
Tom Wilkins: [laughs]
Cass van Rye: Hi, pooker.
Eli van Rye: Cass. Tom.
Cass van Rye: Aah, that’s my little Jew.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, hey. I finally saw The Sixth Sense last night. That little boy: what a weirdo!
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo.
Cass van Rye: Strange duck.
Tom Wilkins: Weird!
Cass van Rye: Yeah, you know what The Sixth Sense was a good movie, Tom, but if you want to talk about an amazing piece of cinema, I’m sorry, I’ve got three words for you: Wild Wild West.
Tom Wilkins: Yes.
Cass van Rye: Come on.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh.
Cass van Rye: Come on.
Tom Wilkins: Will Smith, Calvin Klein—- don’t make us wait too long for the sequel, please.
Cass van Rye: Kevin Kline. Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, Kev. Right, Kevin.
Cass van Rye: And I’ll tell you something. Move over, Abbott and Costello; here comes Smith and Kline.
Tom Wilkins: Yes. Yes. Hey, this presidential election, what about it?
Cass van Rye: It’s heating up, Tom, it’s heating up. It really is.
Tom Wilkins: I’m a little worried about Bush’s insatiable hunger for cocaine.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: What a coke monkey.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Little coke monkey, yeah.
Cass van Rye: How many times do I have to say this? Drugs is a disease, folks!!! Get it through your head!
Tom Wilkins: You heard it right here. Yes, Cass. You know this because your husband Eli is a recovering alcoholic.
Cass van Rye: No, he’s just an alcoholic, Tom.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, okay.
[Eli looks dejected and embarrassed]
Cass van Rye: Plus, plus, keep in mind he’s on a combination of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety drug, Zoloft, and Buspar.
Tom Wilkins: Yes, How you doing, pal?
Eli van Rye: Top of the world, Tom.
Cass van Rye: You know Eli’s doing fine, Tom, but the side effects are rough.
Tom Wilkins: Okay.
Cass van Rye: It’s given him a real metallic odor to his breath.
Tom Wilkins: Oh.
Cass van Rye: Offensive, offensive.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, yeah.
Cass van Rye: And it has completely wiped out his ability to ejaculate.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, keep us posted, buddy. Keep us posted, buddy. Well, I will tell you what is up-and-coming, our first guest and his new diet book. Please welcome Dr. Jedediah Purdy.
[audience applaudes as Purdy enters and all sit]
Cass van Rye: Woo, welcome. Look at you.
Tom Wilkins: You look great.
Cass van Rye: He’s thin.
Tom Wilkins: Like a lady.
Cass van Rye: He’s thin. He’s like a woman.
Tom Wilkins: Look at that little booty on you.
Cass van Rye: Yeah, he’s like a woman.
Tom Wilkins: Tell us about the book.
Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s called “The Realm.”
Cass van Rye: Ooh, “The Realm.”
Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”
Cass van Rye: Yeah, “The Realm.” Now see, I don’t know what that means.
Tom Wilkins: No, sounds English.
Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s like “The Zone,” but some people feel trapped in a zone. So there’s little more room in “The Realm.”
Tom Wilkins: Not as confining.
Cass van Rye: No, now I’ll tell you Jed, um, I’m on the zone and I’m really happy with it. It’s really working for me.
Tom Wilkins: [shaking head] No, no it’s not. No, you should see yourself in shorts. Right, Eli? [Eli nods with no expression on his face]
Jedediah Purdy: Well, with “The Realm,” the weight loss is slow at first, but then it drops off. [hits Cass in the head unintentionally and unnoticingly with the book]
Cass van Rye: Right.
Tom Wilkins: Now, tell me, Jed. I’ll tell ya. I wanna know what is on the diet.
Cass van Rye: Yes.
Tom Wilkins: Tell us what’s on the diet.
Cass van Rye: Yes.
Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s fruit in the morning, and meat for the rest of the day.
Cass van Rye: Ooooh, now can I eat pizza on your diet?
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Jedediah Purdy: No. No bread, no cheese.
Cass van Rye: How about plain pizza?
Tom Wilkins: Sure.
Cass van Rye: No one gets hurt.
Jedediah Purdy: No!
Cass van Rye: Oh, okay, how about this? How about cheese, tomatoes, and some bread?
Jedediah Purdy: No, that’s pizza. It’s just fruit and meat!
Cass van Rye: What about a pizza bagel? It’s small, it’s smaller.
Tom Wilkins: [grabs Cass by the neck] You can’t have the pizza, Cass, let it go. Let me run this one by you, Jedediah. What about calzones?
Cass van Rye: Oooh.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.
Cass van Rye: Calzones.
Jedediah Purdy: What are you people, idiots? Did you win the show on a contest? It’s fruit and meat. Fruit, meat. Fruit. Meat. That’s it.
Cass van Rye: Tom, we can have Hawaiian pizza.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh, pineapple and ham.
Cass van Rye: Yeah, that’s it.
[thud]
Jedediah Purdy: What was that?
Cass van Rye: Oh, it’s my husband, Eli, he’s just having a seizure. It’s just another side effect. It’s okay. [Eli shakes violently on the floor]
Tom Wilkins: Okay.
Cass van Rye: That’s okay.
Tom Wilkins: Can we get props to put a spoon in his mouth or a little chunk of leather or something?
Cass van Rye: What a morning, huh?
Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, we’ll be right back with Wolfgang Puck. He’s gonna show us how to make gourmet pizzas.
Cass van Rye: Oooh, can I have a Gino’s pizza roll?
Jedediah Purdy: Oh, the hell with the both of you! [knocks over platter of food and exits]
Cass van Rye: Eli, can you clean that up, honey? Eli?
]]>
Air Date:
Genetically Created CandidateSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) produce a hybrid clone (Horatio Sanz) of themselves.
