A Frightening Tale: Season 44 Episode 3

Eric: …..Beck Bennett

Man…..Alex Moffat

Brandon…..Seth Meyers

Woman 1…..Heidi Gardner

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Connor…..Kyle Mooney

[ There is a campfire with marshmallows roasting on a stick. The screen reads, ‘A Frightening Tale’ in bloody red letters as a deep creepy voice says, “A frightening tale”. ] [ Five people sit in the dark around a campfire in the woods. A couple of them are roasting marshmallows.]

Eric: It’s the man with the claw!!!

Woman 1: Ahhhhhhh!

Eric: Ha ha ha.

Woman 2: Man, I can’t believe scary stories still work on me.

Woman 1: What about you Brandon? Do you got any good ones?

Brandon: Maybe we should just, turn in.

Man: Oh come on, man.

Woman 1: It’d be very nice to hear a story if you got one, Brandon.

Brandon: Fine. You want to be scared? I got a story. Only thing is it’s not a story. It’s real. And it happened to me. About two years ago, when I was still at the ad agency. I got a call from my dad.

Eric: What’d he say say?

Brandon: He asked me if I could get a coffee, with his friend’s son.

Man: Well, that’s no big deal. Right?

Brandon: A 22-year old, recent college grad, and aspiring filmmaker.

[ Everyone around the campfire listening to Brandon screams. ]

Woman 1: So did you do it?

Brandon: Yep. His name was Connor. And he had a lot to say.

[ Cut to the coffee shop where Brandon is sitting with Connor. ]

Connor: What’s with movies these days? Everything is just a reboot, franchise, or sequel? Hollywood has no original ideas. It’s always guy meets girl. Girl dumps guy. Guy gets back with girl. That’s why when I make my movies, things are actually going to be different. Trust me.

Brandon: Right.

[ Cut back to the campfire circle. ]

Eric: So his take was that basic?

Brandon: Exactly. But like he was the first person who ever said it.

Woman 2: How long were you there?

Brandon: Two and a half hours. He really wanted to break down the state of the industry.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: CGI. Since when is every movie based on a video game? Or a frickin’ roller coaster. It’s like ‘Hello Hollywood, can you actually make something about real people?’ That’s why for my movies they should have a warning that plays before it that says ‘This movie might actually make you think’. I really like talking to you.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman 2 is crying with her face in her hands. ]

Eric: Hold on, this is crazy! He had a backup plan, right?

Brandon: No, just film.

Woman 2: Did he have any ideas? Like did he tell what his movies were going to be about?

Brandon: Oh yeah. He had an idea.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Dude, this should be a movie. Just like you and me talking about movies. That’s what real life is.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Eric screams. ]

Woman 1: Then you left, right?

Brandon: I tried. But that’s when he said, man….

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Hey, cool if I get your number?

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman is flailing her arms. ]

Woman 1: STOP!

Woman 2: Did he ever call you?

Brandon: No. No, no, no. He texted. [ He pulls out his cell phone to reveal a full page of texts from Connor. ]

Voiceover of Connor: 3D, dude, hurts my eyes. [ The people around the campfire start screaming. The man vomits. ] Dammit, popcorn’s so expensive. Kinda feels like TV is the new movies. [ Brandon starts scrolling through the texts with his finger. ] Happy Thanksgiving brother.

Woman 1: There are so many!

Eric: But he has to leave you alone eventually, right? He can’t just keep texting you and trying to pick your brain forever?

Brandon: No, he stays with me. Unless I can introduce him to someone else he can talk to. That’s how the curse works.

Eric: You’re not gonna do that, right?

Brandon: I’m so sorry.

Eric: No! [ A hand reaches down onto Eric’s shoulder. ] [ Connor is now standing behind Eric at the campfire. ]

Connor: Hey, man, Eric. Right? You remember my podcast? We talked about classic Hollywood film.

Eric: Noooooooo!

Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ] [ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ] [ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ] [ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]