Weekend Update: Really!?! with Seth Meyers, Colin Jost, and Michael Che: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

…..Seth Meyers

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. An image of Trump and Kanye West shaking hands is over Colin’s right shoulder. ]

Colin Jost: Well. President Donald Trump met with Kanye West in the Oval Office this week, which brings us to a segment we call: [ Cut to Title Image read by Colin. ] ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael sitting at the news desk. Seth slides in on his chair and sits between them. ]

Seth Meyers: Woohoo!

Colin: Yeah!

[ Seth pats Colin and Michael on the back and then kisses the news desk. ]

Seth: Let’s do this!

Colin: Woo!

Seth: So! Trump met Kanye in the Oval Office? Really!?! Don’t you have better things to do? And by the way when I say that, I’m not really sure which of you I’m talking to. The only place those two should meet is in group. It should be in a basement of a church and dude with an earring and a leather bracelet should be saying, “I’m so glad you both decided to come back”. I mean really!

Colin: And really, you could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards. While Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables.

[ Cut to image of Trump at his desk in the Oval Office, sitting across from Kanye West, surrounded the press. The desk is completely clear of any items aside from two telephones. ] [ Cut back to the SNL news desk. ]

Michael Che: You know, I negotiated four ‘n’ words this entire season in my new contract. That’s true. So I just wanna know, how much money does this Nigga owe in taxes?

[ A bell dings and 4 ‘N’s appear as an image below the news desk, one red X over the first ‘N’. ]

Seth: I was here for 12 years and Lorne never even gave me one ‘n’ word.

Michael: Really?

Seth: Really! Probably for the best. And really, you know how crazy Thursday at the White House was? Kid Rock was also there, and no one cared. It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. You know how hard it is to make someone like Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is Kid.

Colin: And really Kanye, now do you really think Donald Trump is your friend? After the meeting, he called you, a very different kind of guy. That is not a compliment, man. That’s what you call someone when you want to call them a word you can’t say any more. Like, hey, that Forrest Gump sure is a different kind of guy.

Seth: Really! And then Kanye ran behind the desk and hugged Trump and said, “I love this guy right here.” Really, look at this photo. [ Cut to image of Kanye hugging Trump, both smiling. Kanye is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ] Man, it is so rare that you can see black people and white supremacists betrayed in the exact same moment. [ Cut back to the news desk. ] Really.

Michael: You know, I actually get a lot of what Kanye was trying to say. It sounds like somebody told him something really smart and he just retold it really really wrong. Like when I was a kid and the landlord showed up, and my mother would say, “Tell him I’m not here.” And then I’d say, “My momma said she’s not here.” That’s Kanye.

Seth: Really. Yeah, you know for an egomaniac, Kanye talks a lot about Trump. The fact that he wore a Trump hat to meet Trump is so thirsty. I mean I didn’t wear Yeezys when I met Kanye because I didn’t want to look desperate. And no one would sell me Yeezys.

Colin: And really look it’s really pretty simple. Kanye wants to be Trump’s famous friend because Obama called Kanye a jackass. And if the President of the United States called you a jackass, you’d go ‘You know who I like, the next President’. So in a way Obama is to blame for all of this, the same way Seth is to blame for making fun of Trump so much that he decided to become President.

Seth: Wait, really?

Colin: Yeah, we think that.

Seth: Really, people really think that?

[ Michael and Colin both nod their heads. ]

Michael: Oh yeah.

[ Cut back to the title image. ]

Announcer: This has been ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

Seth Meyers Monologue: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Seth Meyers

[ Camera pans to the SNL stage where the house band is playing the theme music. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Seth Meyers.

[ Seth walks onto the stage smiling and claps along with the audience. ]

Seth Meyers: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. It is so exciting to be back at SNL. I worked at this show for over 12 years. I loved it. I love being here. Leaving it was incredibly hard. I cried on my last show and then for real took a job down the hall. The Late Night studio is 100 yards that way. I had an emotional breakdown and then basically moved from Rachel and Monica’s apartment to Joey and Chandler’s apartment, which was very emotional or Rachel. So there is precedent. But this place still means so much to me because so many people who worked here are my dear friends.

There were over 100 people at my wedding from this show. I love them all so much. I love Andy Samberg so much, I named my two boys, Dick and Box. And surprisingly, Box is the troublemaker. Dick is a little gentleman. This place makes memories flood back, For example, the cold open was about Donald Trump and Kanye West. I was here when DOnald Trump hosted in 2004. He played my father in a sketch. Let’s take a look.

[ Cut to an image of Seth Meyers sitting on a couch with Donald Trump during a sketch from 2004. ]

Seth Meyers: There you go. Most people who have pictures of themselves with Presidents, get them framed. I did not. And then Kanye. So, a lot of people are surprised that Kanye supports Donald Trump. But I am not, because I have met Kanye. And I am incapable of being surprised by him.

Here is a true story about Kanye West. And let me preface it by saying that I am a huge Kanye West fan. When I was here, no one did more memorable performances than Kanye West. One time, he was the musical guest but we heard that he wanted to do a sketch. So we pitched him a sketch where he would interrupt different award show speeches saying that he made a mistake and he should have won. And Kanye said that’s hilarious because I do that. Which is good self awareness. And so we did the sketch. We had Kanye interrupt the Kids Choice Awards, the Nobel Prize. He interrupted a State Fair because he was upset his pumpkin didn’t win. Fantastic, a great experience.

But here’s the thing. Here’s the reason I will never be surprised by Kanye West. That sketch was in 2007 and he interrupted Taylor Swift in 2009. That whole time I was telling you that story, you thought it was based on him interrupting Taylor Swift. That hadn’t happened yet. Kanye did a sketch about how crazy it was he interrupted speeches, and then two years later he was at an award show and thought, ‘I should do it again’. So when people say are your surprised that Kanye supports Trump, I say ‘No.’ And, look, I don’t usually get to say this, but my first five years were so hard. I was trying to fit it and I was always worried I wouldn’t make it. Five years of constant terror. And that is the truth.

And after that, I got Weekend Update with Amy Poehler. And I sat at a desk that was placed right here on this stage. And I was lucky enough to be head writer. And after that, I was happy every single second that I spent here. And now that I am back, so is the terror. But also the joy. So thank you so much for letting me do this. It’s an honor. We got a great show. Paul Simon is here tonight, everybody! So stick around, and w’ll be right back!