Weekend Update: Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Brett Kavanaugh: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Colin Jost

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg…..Kate McKinnon

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the newsroom desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Here now to comment on the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh is current Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[ Camera pans out to reveal Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg sitting next to Colin. She snapping her fingers with her arms stretched out. ]

Justice: Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t worry my kittens. [ Justice begins to sing. ] “I’m never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Never going to turn around.” [ Justice spins in her chair. ] “And retire.”

COLIN JOST: So what did you think of this Kavanaugh hearing?

Justice: Oh my God. The guy was going nuts. Crying and yelling and ralphing and boofing. Seriously, he thinks his confirmation hearing was unfair? My confirmation hearing was they threw me in a river to see if I float. And I did. I floated on top like a little water bug. [ The Justice imitates a water bug floating on top of the water. ] Plus you got Lindsay Lohan Graham out there getting all messy like we’re at a party in Mykonos. Yikes! Hey Lindsay, are you Herbie? Because you look fully loaded. And that’s a Gins-burn! [ The Justice stands up and starts to dance. ]

COLIN JOST: So Justice, what do you think is going to happen now?

Justice: Let’s be real Colin. The guy’s probably going to get confirmed. Okay. And now the Republicans want to do a whole FBI investigation so they can go ahead and vote yes anyway. Hey Jeff Flake, you can borrow a pair of my panties since you’re so concerned about covering your own ass. That’s a Gins-burn! [ The Justice begins to dance again. ]

COLIN JOST: Look at that energy.

Justice: Yeah, I got a little bit.

COLIN JOST: What did you think of Kavanaugh’s calendars?

Justice: Yeah, you mean the portrait of the Judge as a young D-bag? Spell binding. You want to see my calendar from July 1982? [ The Justice pulls out a calendar that reads July 1982. ] This ought to be fun look at this? [ The Justice points to a date. ] Turn 100. [ The Justice points to another date. ] Break glass ceiling. [ The audience cheers. The Justice dismisses their cheer with an arm wave. ] Shut up! [ The Justice points to the final marked date on the calendar. ] Do laps in a bird bath. That’s funny. [ She puts the calendar away and pulls out another calendar from September 2018. Written in big bold letters over all the dates is “DON’T DIE”. ] Now here’s my calendar from today. Don’t Die. That’s it. That’s all I got to do. I’ve been alive so long, I’m restarting my life cycle, Colin. Like a cicada. [ She flutters her fingers like an insect’s wings. ] I’m going through puberty again. I got all sorts of feelings about ‘Riverdale’.

COLIN JOST: Riverdale?

Justice: Yes that Cole Sprouse, looking like a snack to me. Hey jughead, why don’t you come on over and put your head on my jugs. And check out my heart murmur while you’re at it. That’s a slow Gins-burn, what! [ She stands up and starts to slow dance. She sits down and leans in close to Colin. ]

COLIN JOST: Okay, okay. How do you feel then about potentially sharing the bench with Justice Kavanaugh? [ The Justice sits back up. ]

Justice: Oh, I’m thrilled. We’re going to be very welcoming. [ She pounds her fit into her other hand with a smirk on her face. ] The guy likes drinking games so much, we got one planned for him. It’s called quarters. It’s when me and Sotomayor put a roll of quarters in a sock and beat the hell out of him. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Come on. I would never be able to lift a roll of quarters. That’s a self Gins-burn! [ She stands up and starts dancing again. ]

COLIN JOST: Ruth Bader Ginsburg everyone!

 

Weekend Update: Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford Testify: Season 44 Episode 1

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

…..Brett Kavanaugh

[ Weekend Update opening credits. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colon Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Michael and Colin in the newsroom. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: I’m Colin Jost.

Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford appeared Thursday in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee in classic debate of ‘she said, he yelled’. Based on his testimony, I guess Kavanaugh thought the hearing was about whether he was cool in high school.

[ Cut to clip of Brett Kavanaugh testifying at his recent hearing. ]

Brett Kavanaugh: We drank beer. I liked beer. I still like beer. I worked out with other guy’s at Tobin’s house. Just to meet up and have some beers. Working out, lifting weights. We drank beer, we liked beer.

[ Cut back to Colin and Michael in the newsroom. ]

COLIN JOST: I got to say, you’re not really helping yourself in a drunk and assault case when you yell about how much you like drinking and how strong you were at the time. Pretty much the only ones who kept their composure at the hearing, were the woman being questioned and the woman the Republicans had to hire to talk to the woman being questioned. Now on an optics level, I get why the Republicans did that. But if you’re not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you’re not the right person to be a senator.

MICHAEL CHE: I just want to remind everybody that all this yelling and crying happened at this dude’s job interview. I mean typically when you’re asked about a sexual assault and your drinking problem at a job interview, you don’t get the damn job! I don’t know if Mr. Kavanaugh actually has a history of assault or if he actually has a drinking problem. But I do know that he might. And you shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if you might. You shouldn’t be on the People’s Court if you might. Sometimes ‘might’ is enough. I mean, I don’t want to pet your dog if he ‘might’ bite me. I don’t want to leave you in my house if you ‘might’ be a crackhead. I’m not gonna have sex with you if you ‘might’ have had sex with Charlie Sheen.

COLIN JOST: And then there are his calendars. You know, if you have calendars from 1982, it does not prove your innocent. It proves you’re a hoarder. You know when most people throw out their calendars from 1982? 1983. If you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to piece together what happened in your life. He kept a calendar the same way that the guy in ‘Momento’ got tattoos. Now to be fair to Judge Kavanaugh, it’s insane that he has to answer questions about his high school yearbook. If you looked into anyone’s high school yearbook, you’d find something super embarrassing. Like I regret that my senior quote was a Smash Mouth lyric. And I very much regret that my hairstyle was “The Rachel”. But if they do ask about your yearbook, why would you lie? “The Devil’s Triangle” is not a drinking game. But speaking of drinking games, if you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you’d be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of ‘82.

MICHAEL CHE: You know these hearings have taught me a lot about what happens at white prep schools. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sending my kids to a black school where it’s safe. Of course this is a big deal because a Supreme Court Judge is a lifetime job. And sadly that’s more important to Congress than the concerns of half the country. Kavanaugh could be the deciding vote on issues concerning the very people he makes feel unsafe. It would be like letting a coyote decide on roadrunner rights. Or letting all white cops police an all black neighborhood. Also, why does it have to be him? You can’t just pick another dude from your Illuminati lizard meetings? Are Republicans so pro-life that you don’t even have a Plan B for this?

COLIN JOST: Now President Trump on Friday ordered the FBI to conduct a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. And Trump is so serious he said the FBI should probably just drop everything else and only investigate this one thing. Because after Dr. Ford’s testimony in this new FBI investigation, Kavanaugh basically has two strikes against him. Or as Kavanaugh thinks of it, Dos Equis.

 

Weekend Update: Record Cocaine Production–Michael Che and Colin Jost: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

MICHAEL CHE: A new report from the UN shows that last year Columbia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by Bobby Brown’s sneeze.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia flyers are being mocked online for their new team mascot which is a 7 foot tall fuzzy creature named Gritty with a long orange beard, googly eyes, and I assume a dime bag of mostly stems. And this is an interesting fact, Gritty is actually the first mascot made from the crayon drawings of a 5 year old who saw his parents murdered.

MICHAEL CHE: Hey, Hey, Hey. Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to ten years in prison. You know what really bothers me about Bill Cosby, if I can be serious. He made a show called ‘The Cosby Show’ and it was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable. Isn’t that weird?

COLIN JOST: A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than 11,000 dollars by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. Now these scams can be tricky. But one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asked to borrow 11,000 dollars.

MICHAEL CHE: I mean Frasier is about Frasier Roseanne is about Roseanne. Seinfeld is about Seinfeld. What if I told you Everybody Loves Raymond was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable? Am I the only one bothered by this? Alright. Fine. Take the rapist’s side.

Dunkin Donuts…

COLIN JOST: ..is not a sponsor anymore.

MICHAEL CHE: Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will change its name to just Dunkin’. The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.

BECK BENNETT: That was the Oh?

Researchers in Hong Kong reported the first ever case of a human contracting Rat Hepatitis. Worst, now that guy has to call and inform every rat that he has ever slept with.

Adam Driver End of Summer Monologue: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Adam Driver

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Beck Bennett

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

[ Adam Driver walks out onto the stage in front of the SNL band to speak to the audience. Adam waves to the audience and signals for them to stop cheering. ]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am Adam, designated driver, and this is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Which is exciting. This is exciting. Which is exciting, which is exciting. But, the only thing about hosting the first show back is all anyone in the cast wants to do is talk about their summers. Which is fine. It’s fine. This is all fine. Honestly, it’s just about me. I’m terrible at small talk.

[ Aidy Bryant walks onto stage. ]

AIDY BRYANT: Okay my dude. Hi!

Adam Driver: Okay it’s happening.

AIDY BRYANT: How was your summer?

Adam Driver: It was, uh, it was good. You know. I worked a little and traveled a little. And uh…how was your summer?

AIDY BRYANT: Oh, you know, it was good. Yeah. I worked a little. I traveled a little. Chilled with some…

[ Adam stands there looking contemplative. He nods his head as his voiceover explains what he is thinking. Aidy continues to speak about her summer, but her voice is silenced. ]

Adam Driver voiceover: Oh my God, is this really happening? Is she really describing her whole summer? Of course she worked a little and traveled a little. That’s what every friggin’ idiot does. Oh no she paused. Quick laugh and smile a little.

[ Adam speaks out loud again. ]

Adam Driver: Yeah. [ Adam forces an uncomfortable laugh. ]

AIDY BRYANT: Anyway we are so happy to have you back.

Adam Driver: Oh, and I am great [ Adam stutters. ] for to be back.

AIDY BRYANT: Okay, you hang in there man. [ Aidy walks off stage. ]

Adam Driver: Okay so anyway, on huge spoiler about Star Wars…

[ Beck Bennett walks onto the stage. ]

BECK BENNETT: Ohh, what’s up my man? How was your summer?

Adam Driver: It was good. [ Adam stutters. ] How was your summer?

BECK BENNETT: Oh, it was pretty good. I worked a little; I traveled a little.

[ Adam looks annoyed and begins to think again. ]

Adam Driver Voiceover: You know what Beck… [ Bleep ] you! Are you really doing this dude?

BECK BENNETT: And, uh, I got married this summer. So I’m a big boy now. Yeah. Thank you. Adam, do you know how it feels to be a big boy?

Adam Driver: Well I’m also married, and I was a Marine.

BECK BENNETT: Oh okay, wow. You win! [ Beck turns away from Adam and walks off the stage. ] [Kenan Thompson walks onto the stage. ]

KENAN THOMPSON: Adam what’s up man? Welcome back, man! How was your summer?

Adam Driver: Yes it was so so so so so so so so fun. And you?

KENAN THOMPSON: Well you know..I worked a little, and I traveled a little. Work hard, play hard. Am I right? [ Kenan laughs. ] [ Adam looks displeased and begins to think again. ]

Adam Driver Voiceover: Don’t hit Kenan. Whatever you do, don’t hit Kenan. You worked so hard on your anger issues. Don’t blow it on live TV.

KENAN THOMPSON: Man, it is a funny story.

Adam Driver: That’s so funny, yes! Ha ha ha!

[ Kenan looks frightened and begins to think. ]

KENAN THOMPSON Voiceover: Yo, is Adam Driver going to hit me? I mean it really looks like he’s about to go all Kylo Ren on my ass.

[ Cut to Adam Driver looking fierce. Star Wars like music begins to play. Cut back to Kenan looking frightened. ]

KENAN THOMPSON: Okay, anyway, um. Break a leg tonight.

Adam Driver: Oh, I will!

KENAN THOMPSON: Oh, I’m out. [ Kenan exits the stage quickly. ]

Adam Driver: Where was I? So, Ewoks are real, and I’ll tell you where to find them. You take a plane to Traverse City, Michigan…

[ Pete Davidson walks onto the stage. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo! What up Adam? So, how was your summer man? Did you work a little or travel a little by chance?

Adam Driver: I did Pete. How was your summer?

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh you don’t want to hear about my summer.

Adam Driver: No actually, you’re the one person whose summer I want to hear about.

[ Pete smiles at the camera and winks, and then he walks off the stage. ]

Adam Driver: We got a great show for you tonight! We’re going to work a little, travel a little. Kanye frickin’ West is here! So stick around. Oh, and hey kids, why not smoke a cigarette during the commercial break. Because we’re back!

A New Kyle: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Kyle Mooney

…..Joe Fryer

…..Carson Daly

…..Pete Davidson

…..Lorne Michaels

…..Beck Bennett

…..Alex Moffat

…..Wendy Williams

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Kid Cudi

…..Chris Redd

…..Heidi Gardner

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Adam Driver

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Kyle is walking through the city. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: [ Cut to Kyle approaching NBC Studios. ]

So we’re back at SNL.

[ Cut to Kyle walking through the building. ]

Which is great.

[ Cut to Kyle opening the door for Studio 8 H. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting facing the camera and speaking out loud. ]

Kyle Mooney: It’s my sixth season. Sometimes I still feel like people don’t know who I am.

[ Cut to closing sequence of a previous SNL episode. Camera darkens out the hosts in the foreground and brightens a small Kyle clapping from behind mixed in with the rest of the cast. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: At the end of last year I thought maybe…

[ Cut back to Kyle facing the camera. ]

Kyle Mooney: …it’s finally happening. But then, this summer happened..

[ Cut to Joe Fryer on NBC News. ]

Joe Fryer: SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed [ Cut to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande posing for photos at the VMA’s. ] that he and singer, Ariana Grande, are engaged.

[ Cut to Carson Daly on the Today Show. ]

Carson Daly: Ariana and Pete’s announcement of their engagement…

[ Cut to three Instagram photos of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. ]

Female Voiceover: They’re engaged!

[ Cut to Pete Davidson coming out of an elevator as Kyle Mooney approaches from the hallway to the right. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Ah, L-Dog, this year’s gonna be lit.

Lorne Michaels: Get in here, brother. [ Lorne and Pete hug. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Love you man.

Lorne Michaels: Love you, too.

KYLE MOONEY: Hey Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Oh hey, Hey Kevin. [ Lorne Michaels walks past Kyle and down the hall. ] [ Cut back to Kyle Mooney speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I feel like this year I gotta make a statement.

[ Cut to Kyle looking in the mirror]

KYLE MOONEY Voiceover: So I’m gonna change things up a bit.

Female Hairdresser: Okay you sure you want to this? [ The hairdresser walks over and wraps a haircutting cape around Kyle. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah.

Female Hairdresser: Here we go. [ The hairdresser turns on an electric razor and approaches Kyle’s hairline. ] [Cut to black screen. ]

Female Producer Voice: Kyle to the floor please. Kyle.

[ Cut to SNL set. Beck Bennett and Alex Moffat are standing on set as Kyle Mooney approaches them now with short blonde hair like Pete Davidson’s. Kyle is also wearing clothes like Pete’s. ]

BECK BENNETT: Kyle?

KYLE MOONEY: Haha, what up.

BECK BENNETT: Why you so late man?

KYLE MOONEY: Why does it matter bro? I was just doing my thing. [ Kyle brings a rolled joint to his mouth and inhales. He then exhales onto Beck who backs away and swats the smoke from his face. ]

BECK BENNETT: Stop that dude. What are you…why are you smoking?

KYLE MOONEY: By the way that shirt’s pretty lit.

BECK BENNETT: Lit?

[ Cut to the ‘new’ Kyle speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I love this bro. People are finally starting to take me seriously. Now all I need is a hot celebrity girlfriend. And that’s fine by me.

[ Cut to Kyle walking into the meeting room of SNL writers. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Writers! If you guys are going to write me into your sketches. Y’all got to write my girlfriend into them, too. Come on in here baby. Y’all know my girl..Wendy Williams.

[Wendy Williams walks in carrying a picnic basket. ]

Wendy Williams: Hi everyone. Hi honey.

[ Kyle opens the picnic basket, and baby pig pops its head out. ]

KYLE MOONEY: We adopted a pig. Swag! [ Kyle makes a pumping motion with his fist, and Wendy William kisses him on the cheek. ] [ Cut to the elevators where Kenan Thompson is waiting for an elevator. Kyle and singer, Kid Cudi, come out of an elevator laughing. Pete Davidson walks up to them. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo, Cudi, I hit you earlier to hang out. How come you didn’t hit me back?

Kid Cudi: Oh, I guess, uh, I was just busy.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah, yeah, busy. [ Kyle laughs and wraps one arm around Kid Cudi’s shoulders. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo Kyle.

KYLE MOONEY: What’s up?

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you stealing my look and my friends? Don’t you know I have, like, mental problems?

[ Kyle pulls out a bottle of pills and shakes them at Pete. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Me too. [ Pete knocks the bottle of pills out of Kyle’s hand. Pete and Kyle start getting ready to fight. ] You wanna come at me, bro? [Kenan Thompson steps in breaks them apart.] You wanna come at me?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

KENAN THOMPSON: Chill. Chill! Y’all wanna settle this..do it the ‘Saturday Night Live’ way. Cool?

PETE DAVIDSON: Cool.

KYLE MOONEY: Cool.

[ Cut to a Romanesque set where the SNL cast members are dressed in medieval costumes. Pete and Kyle are in the middle of their circle in battle outfits getting ready to fight. ] [ Cut to Chris Redd drinking from an old mug. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett observing the room. ] [ Cut to Heidi Gardner eating a banana then tossing the peel. ] [ Cut to Pete licking his lips and standing across from Kyle surrounded by the other cast members. ]

Aidy Bryant: Gentleman choose wisely. [ Aidy presents a choice of weapons. Pete chooses the sword. Kyle chooses the ball and chain. Pete and Kyle begin to circle around each other. ] [ Cut to Adam Driver standing from the balcony overlooking the scene. ]

Adam Driver: Guys, guys, guys, guys. As host of this show, I think I have to ask you to not do this. [ Adam is shot with an arrow into his leg. ] Jesus!

[ Cut to Beck holding a bow after he shot the arrow. ]

BECK BENNETT: You don’t belong here.

[ Cut to Adam Driver limping off the balcony with the arrow stuck in his leg. ] [ Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. ]

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR: Now, fight! [ Melissa hits a gong with a mallett. ] [ Cut to Kyle and Pete circling each other holding their weapons. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I’m going to enjoy this.

[ Pete lowers his sword. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are we doing this man? I don’t want to fight you.

KYLE MOONEY: Really?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, man. We’re friends.

[ Kyle sighs with relief. Then Pete thrusts his sword into Kyle’s chest. ] [ Cut to Heidi looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Chris looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Pete releasing his sword and Kyle stumbling backwards. Kyle slips on the banana peel that Heidi had thrown aside earlier. ] [ Cut to Pete smirking. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting up holding the banana peel with the sword still in his chest. Kyle laughs. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett laughing. ] [ Cut to Aidy and Melissa laughing. ] [ Cut to Pete hesitating a smile then giving in to laughter as he looks around the room. ] [ Cut to Kyle continuing to laugh. ] [ Cut to Pete mockingly imitating Kyle slipping on the banana peel. The rest of the cast continues to laugh in the background. ] [ Cut to Pete and Kyle facing the camera and talking. Kyle is back in his regular haircut and clothes. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, um, it looks like we’re friends again.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah. And I guess I learned that it doesn’t matter what you look like or how popular you are. It’s just about having fun.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Hey, what’s that? [ Pete points to nothing on Kyle’s chest. Kyle looks down at his finger, and Pete flicks him on the nose. Kyle flinches. Pete laughs. Kyle begins to cough and spit up blood, and his chest wound opens up and begins to bleed. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Doctor says I’m going to die a little later.

Fortnite Squad: Season 44 Episode 1

DoomSnake…..Kyle Mooney

FlowBoy…..Pete Davidson

William McTavish…..Adam Driver

[ Fortnite Loading screen with loading bar filling in and theme music playing… ] [ Cut to Fortnite Map with a blimp flying towards the map. ]

DoomSnake: Let’s play some Fortnite squad. This is DoomSnake. [ Cut to DoomSnake in his room with headphones and game controller ] Who we got on the squad? FlowBoy, you got a mic?

[ Cut to FlowBoy in his room with headphones and game controller. ]

FlowBoy: Yeah, what up? Let’s get that Victory Royale.

DoomSnake: Hell yeah! A’ight, who else is on the squad? Um, William McTavish, 1972. You there?

[ Cut to William McTavish in his room with headphones and game controller. ]

William McTavish: Oh yeah, yes, hi there. This is William McTavish. FYI, never played this game before. My 11-year-old son Miles loves it, and I want to learn how to play so that Fortnite can be a fun bonding activity that we do together.

[ Cut to DoomSnake. ]

Doomsnake: Dope. Well, it’s pretty easy, you just run around and try to kill the other squad. There’s like dances you can do and stuff; it’s fun.

 

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Oh excellent. My son plays with his step-father, Rick. And I’d like to be better than Rick as soon as possible.

[Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Cool. Here we go.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay. The three players, DoomSnake, FlowBoy, and William McTavish appear in video chat boxes on the left and their three Fortnite characters portrayed by other cast members to the right. The characters are standing in their idle position. There is a female with pink hair holding a gun, a blonde guy with a giant pickaxe, and a man with long black hair holding a large gun. ]

William McTavish: Okay which character am I controlling?

[ The blonde guy holding a large pickaxe runs forward and squats. He reruns some more and squats. He looks from side to side. The other two characters continue to sway in their idle standing position. ]

DoomSnake: You’re the blonde guy.

William McTavish: Okay, I got it. I’m the blonde man.

[ The blonde guy continues to squat and run in place. ] Oh, he looks very outdoorsy.

[ Cut to Doomsnake. ]

DoomSnake: Yeah, I guess. Alright, let’s loot up and go over to Tilted. And Mr. McTavish, holler if you need any help.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: I need help.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The Blonde guy is running into a brick wall. ] What am I doing?

DoomSnake: You’re running at a wall.

FlowBoy: Hey! Turn around sir. Come over to us.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Alright gentlemen, here I come.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The female with the pink hair and the male with long black hair continue to stand idle. The blonde guy crosses in front of them walking backward then turns around and goes back the other way walking backward. ]

DoomSnake: Sir, just so you know, you can walk forward dude.

William McTavish: Okay, one thing at a time boys.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ] Okay, what do I do now?

[Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Step 1, like, stop doing that.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy is running into the man with long black hair. The man with long black hair and the girl with pink hair continue to stand idle. ]

William McTavish: Well, there’s somebody directly in front of me.

FlowBoy: Yeah, that’s me.

[ Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Yeah instead of that, go over to that loot chest and open it up. There’s guns inside.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Hold on there are guns in this game?! My ex-wife and Rick should have asked me before letting Miles play this, right?

[ Cut to DoomSnake ]

DoomSnake: I don’t know. Sir, I’m only 15. I shouldn’t be weighing in on your marital situation. But, uh, maybe open up that loot chest.

[ Cut to William McTavish ]

William McTavish: All right, got it.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy is jumping up and down while the other two characters continue to stand idle. ] Am I doing it?

DoomSnake: No you’re jumping! Push Y!

William McTavish: Oh okay, I got it now.

FlowBoy: No you don’t Mr McTavish. Look at your guy. [The blonde guy starts running in a circle. ] He’s running in a tight circle. Just push Y!

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Okay hold on. Let me just figure it out. Okay, there, there. Got it.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy is running into a brick wall again. ]

FlowBoy: No! You’re back at the wall again. Why you like the wall so much?

[ Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Sir, just go over to the chest and press the Y button on your controller. Please!

[ Cut to William McTavish ]

William McTavish: Okay, one moment. I did it! I have a firearm.

[ Cut to DoomSnake.]

DoomSnake: Good, cause I see another squad heading our way right now.

[ Cut to FlowBoy. ]

FlowBoy: Yo, Mr. McTavish, when they roll up just aim and shoot.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Alright, let’s do it. Let’s get a Fortnite.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with the 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy starts dancing by shaking his hips back and forth and moving his arms, like the Twist and the other 2 characters continue to stand idle. William McTavish lets out a laugh. ]

William McTavish: What’s my guy doing?

DoomSnake: That’s an emote. It’s one of those dances you can do. But now is not the time.

[ The blonde guy continues to dance but with more gusto. ]

William McTavish: Oh, that’s a riot. Look at that!

FlowBoy: Yo, they’re here. Stop dancing.

[ 2 more fortnite characters portrayed by other cast members enter the gameplay. They act like they are shooting the other 2 characters who now defend themselves. The blonde guy continues to dance in the foreground. ]

DoomSnake: Mr. McTavish, help us, dude. Shoot those guys!

William McTavish: My guy’s a good dancer.

[ The blonde guy continues dancing. The 2 new characters kill DoomSnake’s and FlowBoy’s characters, and they fall to the ground. ]

DoomSnake: Oh, damn it, dude!

[ Cut to FlowBoy. ]

FlowBoy: And we’re all dead. Alright. We didn’t even get one kill.

DoomSnake: We can’t go out like that. You guys wanna squad up and play again?

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Ah, alright. One quick game. But then I got to get back to rehab. So let’s go, squad!

[ Cut to Fortnite loading screen which then appears to be what the television screen looks like when it is shut off. ]

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on His Engagement to Ariana Grande

….. COLIN JOST

….. PETE DAVIDSON

….. MICHAEL CHE

COLIN JOST: And now here to talk about how he spent his summer is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hello.

COLIN JOST: Hi.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hi Colin. So my summer, yeah, do we need to explain? Or can I just like… [ Pete motions forward with his hand ] get into it?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, I think we can just get into it. Well, you got engaged to Ariana Grande.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah I did. Yeah. Thank you! I did. I got engaged, and no one could believe it. I couldn’t believe it. And, uh, I get it. She’s the number one pop star in the world, and I’m that guy from SNL that everyone thinks is in desperate need of more blood.

COLIN JOST: Well congratulations, I know it’s been kinda crazy.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Do you remember when that whole city pretended that kid was Batman because he was sick. That’s what this feels like.

COLIN JOST: And have you been enjoying all the attention?

PETE DAVIDSON: I hate it. It’s Awful. I’m so scared. Yo, I got death threats. Yeah, yeah..it’s Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and Pete Davidson are all people that have gotten death threats. And I like assumed that I would find out about it like they do in movies. Like the governments in your living room with like headsets and there are detectives with suits. And they’re like, ‘Sir we have a situation’. That’s not how I found out. I was leaving my building, and my doorman said, ‘Yo man! Somebody tryin’ to kill you’.

COLIN JOST: And now if you don’t mind me asking..Can I ask, what is the prenup situation?

PETE DAVIDSON: Well obviously I wanted one. You know so God forbid, God forbid we split up, and she takes half my sneakers. No look, I am totally comfortable being with a successful woman. It’s dope. I live at her place, you know. She pays like 60 grand for rent, and all I have to do is like stock the fridge. [ Pete pauses ] Yeah.

COLIN JOST: Well the man doesn’t always have to be the breadwinner in the relationship.

PETE DAVIDSON: God damn right, Colin! He does not. Uh, last night I switched her birth control with Tic Tacs. No, I believe in us and all. But you know, I just want to like make sure. [ Pete pauses ] That she can’t go anywhere.

COLIN JOST: Well she put a song on her new album, and it was called Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: I know.

COLIN JOST: That sounds like a very amazing thing to do.

PETE DAVIDSON: Sick.

COLIN JOST: Yeah, and like what have you done for her?

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, I mentioned the fridge thing. Um, I also love her very much.

COLIN JOST: That’s great.

PETE DAVIDSON: You know I don’t even get royalties for that Pete Davidson song. You know that, like if we break up, and we won’t. We will. But we won’t. No, I’m kidding. But like in 10 years, God forbid that ever happened, there will be song called Pete Davidson like playing in speakers at Kmart, and I’ll be working there.

COLIN JOST: Pete Davidson everyone. [ Colin points at Pete ] For the Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

[ Camera pans out to show Michael Che sitting with Colin and Pete ]

MICHAEL CHE: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Five Stars – Uber Driver – SNL

Stars. My rating is. Three point I guess I do make the drivers wait a lot.

Replied Merton’s stars. What does he say. I wonder would my rating is. Three point nine.

Why did he think KeithL.K. I got to get my rating up to at least four. I’m gonna need a five star five star right. You can do this.

Okay let’s try to form a connection. How can something original thoughtful something no one else would ask So how are you the jam. Nailed it. Good question. I’ve been driving about day six months. Now you ask him a question. Something pleasant the Monk competition.

Religion are you. I’m not really that religious.

I put on some music. Sure. What would he like.

Is this what he thinks I like. Yeah I love this style of music but I don’t know where I can put on something else. I think what would he like to hear. What about some Russian Trads music.

Any reasons for thinking this is the music he likes. I do like Russian trance. You can do these Petro’s 5star star write them use the means you augment your.

Grade although these off brand Russian Mantz. Just take them into moist hills.

Cuba GoodingJr.

It’s really good man. Thanks man. He totally saw that guy freaking out. Think you need to get this five star rating. Farzat little shoulder massage is Lazic is nice. Oh my god.

Oh you should talk to him. Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

He’s all about pressure point. But.

Even doing this whole horse and pony show to impress each other it’s these ratings driving crazy like episodes of Black Mirror or something man you watch black mirror to see my favorite show.

Oh that’s absurd was you know hero.

Well this is me. Ryback Katchi brother. Goldwin Fairchild’s.

Cowboy.

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05



Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found







1981-82 opening montage

Announcer: And now, from New York, the most dangerous city in America, it’s “Saturday Night Live.” Starring Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky….Tony Rosato, Brian Doyle-Murray —


Bob Tischler V/O: The new cast included some seasoned comedy players.

Dick Ebersol V/O: And they were largely choices influenced by John and Danny.

Bob Tischler V/O: They’d done a lot of comedy. They’d done a lot of sketch comedy. They were NOT intimidated by the process.

Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix: 10/02/82

Mrs. T: Shut up, old man, shut up! Never canned ’em to the death! I canned the man! But I pity him first!

Spray-On Laetril: 10/17/81

All: [ singing ] “The Pump!”

Sarcastic Nun: 11/12/83

Father Alexander: You do want to serve God, don’t you?

Nun: Oh, no. I’m a nun. I want to worship Satan and dance naked at a black mass.

The Whiners’ Anniversary: 04/10/82

Maitre’D: Your name is, Sir, please?

Doug & Wendy: Doug and Wendy Whinerrrr!

Marvin the Iguana: 10/23/82

Marvin the Iguana: This is exciting. This place brings out the animal in me.

Mary Gross: I’m sorry to say this, but I thought the show was a sinking ship.

Tim Kazurinsky: I didn’t care what a poo the show was in. I just thought, I’m gonna go around and plug up the leaks. I want this thing to stay afloat until I get a house.
I Married A Monkey: 04/11/81

Tim: Don’t you see what I’m trying to do here? I am trying to save a marriage! I’m trying to save a family.

Mary Gross: I think we were very lucky to come in in 1981. Because the cast that came in, in 1980, had to take a lot of abuse from the critics because they were following those five golden years.

Barry Blaustein: Now it’s accepted that you replace the cast of “Saturday Night Live,” and new people go on. At that time, people questioned whether the show should even continue after the original cast.

Robin Duke: There was not a feeling that this was – this was gonna be great. You know, that we were going to save the show, I guess! [ laughs ]
Goodnights: 10/10/81

Susan St. James: “Saturday Night” is back! Good night, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ]

Joe Piscopo: At that point, we went from lackadaisical and cocky to “We’ve got something here. Don’t screw this up, now.”

Andy Breckman: Ebersol was smart enough to know what he didn’t know. He was the only guy in the business I ever heard turn to somebody else and say, “Is that funny? I just don’t know.” Like, he would just admit, “I don’t know.”

Neil Levy V/O: The difference was, there was hip people walking around who knew comedy and had some history.

Dick Ebersol: Lorne said to me, “You know who you should really consider as your right arm in all this, is Michael.”

Lorne Michaels: I said to Dick, at least it will send the right signals.

Tim Kazurinsky: Michael O’Donoghue, the Dark Prince. Oh, my God!
George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers perform “Bad to The Bone”: 10/02/82

George Thoroughgood: [ singing ] “Now on the day I was born
The nurses all gathered ’round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the joy they had found.

The head nurse spoke up
Said, “Leave this one alone.”
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone.

Bad to the bone
B-b-bad b-b-bad b-b-bad.”


??? V/O: Dick and Michael were at odds from the beginning of day one.

Dick Ebersol: The first fight we had was over billing. Because he wanted to be called “Reich Marshall.”
24:08The Fiesta Cheese Platter: 02/19/83

Marvin the Iguana: [ on the phone ] Oh, no! No. Room Service? Yeah, we’d like to cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise.” [ a German marching band suddenly bursts into the room ] Cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise!” No!

??? V/O: Just delighted in being outrageous and upsetting people as much as he possibly could.

Tim Kazurinsky: It was nuts. When I showed up to work, Michael said, “Viking death! We’re going to take this ship down.”

??? V/O: And he just wanted to make it as outrageous as possible while it was going down.
The Bizarro World: 02/20/82

Narrator: [ a cubed Earth spins in space ] Somewhere in space, there exists a parallel universe. Where our earthly events are duplicated. But they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our Earth is a sphere, so the parallel Earth is, of course, a cube. This is “The Bizarro World.” But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them — [ dissolve to: ] The headquarters of “Bizarro Broadcasting Company!”

[ dissolve to interior, Network President’s office, as Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Mr. President, man is here for job interview.

Network President: We too busy. Send him in! [ Writer enters ] Good-bye, good-bye.

Writer: Me want to work for “Bizarro Network.”

Network President: Ever write a script?

Writer: No.

Network President: Ever direct a show?

Writer: No.

Network President: Know anything at all about television?

Writer: No.

Network President: Congratulations!

??? V/O: Dick Ebersol’s most amazing talent is he’s able to deal with the network. And he kept the network away from the show.

Bob Tischler: I don’t remember ever, ever having any network interference at all. You know, except for things that we couldn’t do because of censorship.
The Bulge: 10/06/84

[ Jim Belushi in barroom men’s room, watching as Gary Kroeger stuffs toilet paper in his pants ] [ Jim Belushi follows suit, and endlessly stuffs toilet paper in his own pants ]

Jim Belushi: We had a film piece. Sasaying, “you can’t do that! That’s a penis!” Ebersol went and fought for that piece. And this is the way he negotiated — “Okay, as long as it’s not smooth.”
The Bulge: 10/06/84

[ Jim Belushi emerges from the men’s room with 6-foot padding in his pants ]

Jim Belushi V/O: So we had this 6-foot thing with all these bumps on it. It looked grosser than it would smooth. Ebersol had a way with the network.
Lone Justice performs “Shelter”: 12/20/86

Lone Justice: [ singing ] “Let me be your shelter
Shelter from the storm outside.
Let me be your shelter
Shelter From the endless tide.”


Dick Ebersol: The cast benefited on a number of levels from Eddie’s emerging stardom. I think Eddie and Joe Piscopo saved the show. I think that’s fair to say. Because the network was seriously thinking about giving it the ax.
Back | Next: Eddie Murphy Emerges

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found




















Automobile Club: 11/22/86

Kevin Nealon: And how about these mile scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles! From your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Change of Heart”: 02/19/83

Tom Petty: [ singing ]“Oh yeah, oh boy
Looks like we finally reached a turning point
Oh me, oh my
Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye
Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye
There’s been a change
Girl, there’s been a change of heart.”


Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.

Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”

Gilbert Gottfried: Then, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.
Writer’s Script: 03/07/81

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He, uh — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He, uh — he, uh — falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

Gail Matthius: And then we came back.

Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was — it was turmoil!
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.

Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.

Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked if we could have dinner. And, uh, he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —
Vomitng For Good Luck: 10/31/81
Father Guido Sarducci’s Monologue: 01/14/84
Big Star Eddie Murphy: 01/22/83

Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]

Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel — all happy to, you know, help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be.. a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.

Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.

Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.

Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.

Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.

Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”
Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “The Way It Is”: 01/31/87

Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ]“Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime
‘Cause they can’t buy a job
Man in the silk suit hurries by
As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes
Just for fun he says, “get a job.”

That’s just the way it is
Some things never change
That’s just the way it is
That’s just the way it is.”


Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.

Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.

Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”

Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.

Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.
Back | Next: New Cast Saves SNL

SNL Transcripts