Leslie Wants To Play Trump

Leslie Jones

Melania Trump… Cecily Storng

Vanessa Bayer

Lorne Michaels

[Starts with Leslie Jones walking in the streets]

Leslie narrating: For a long time, I never thought that this could be possibility.

[Cut to shooting for Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump]

Alec Baldwin: It’s a disaster. You look at Chicago. The bailiff knows what i”m talking about. You know..

[Cut to 1 and Bobby Moynihan talking off screen]

Leslie: Man! Alec is so good.

Bobby: The best, man! He has got so much material for the next four years.

Leslie: Do you really think he’s going to do this for next four years? Doesn’t he have other stuff to do?

Bobby: I’m not sure. But, I mean, who’s gonna replace him?

[Cut to screen “Leslie wants to play Trump”] [Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie narrating: I never dreamed that I could play the president. But then Melissa played Spicer and I was like, “Yo! Why can’t I play Trump?” I knew I had to make this happen. [Leslie Jones is trying to learn how Donald Trump speaks and moves] So I studied everything him.

Leslie: Huge! Huge! Drain the swamp of tremendous Muslims.

Leslie narrating: It even started to affect my relationship.

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on Kyle Mooney’s laps. She is lookin at the laptop with headphones on.]

Kyle: Can we just have sex?

Leslie: Come on, Kyle! I have to practice this.

Kyle: Baby, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you don’t even look like Donald Trump. You’re too beautiful.

Leslie: Whatever. We already had sex like twice today. Get off me. Jeez.

Leslie narrating: But I just had to commit.

[Cut to the dressing room]

Melissa: Is this like a send up on his fragile masculinity?

Leslie: No.

Sasheer: Is it like a Hamilton thing where you’re making a comment on race and politics?

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She has orange hair and yellow eyebrows ]

Leslie: Nope, it’s about giving America what it wants.

Leslie narrating: Some people couldn’t see it.

Vanessa: A woman playing Trump? It’s an interesting idea, Leslie, but trust me, it will never fly.

Leslie narrating: Finally, it was the moment of truth.

Female voice: Leslie, you can go in now.

Leslie: Um, okay. [acting like Donald Trump] Lorne, baby. I have a huge idea, bigly.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: It’s not going to happen, Leslie.

Leslie: [disappointed] Alright. I mean, I understand. I understand. [looking at the cameraman] Fellas, hey, can I have a minute, please? [cameras off] [yelling] Don’t say no to me, Lorne! I’ll f* destroy this whole place! I’m so tired of this f* popcorn. Why the f* roses in here? People keep casting me as somebody who always yells. I’m trying to show you I got range. [Leslie is getting violent towards Lorne Michaels] I’m trying to show you something different.

[Cut to Leslie jones being pulled away by the security]

Leslie: I’m going. I’m going. [Vanessa Bayer is walking pass dressed like Donald Trump] Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing?

Vanessa: [acting like Donald Trump] I’m looking out for number one, baby!

Leslie: Man, that bitch is supposed to be my friend, man! Am I fired?

[Cut to Leslie walking out of the building, still dressed as Donald Trump] [A limousine pulls over]

Melania Trump: Donald? Donald? Is that you?

Leslie: Melania? I mean, [acting like Donald Trump] yes, darling, it’s me.

Melania Trump: What are you doing out here in cold? Get in.

[Melania opens the door to limousine] [Leslie Jones gets in the car and the car drives away]

Drake’s Beef

Drake

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Lorne Michaels

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drake’s Beef video bumper] [Cut to four colleagues talking to each other]

Vanessa: You know, I never use this word, but I said, “That was cray!”

[everybody laughing] [Drake walks in]

Drake: What’s up guys?

All: Hey!

Drake: I’m having just a little trouble with the TV most. I was just wondering if you guys could fix it.

Pete: Oh yeah. Usually you just get the remote and you press on. You don’t have TVs in Canada?

[everybody laughing]

Drake: No, we have TVs in Canada.

Pete: I know. I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding man.

Drake: Yeah, I know.

Vanessa: Yeah. I was just saying like, I don’t use the word ‘cray’ very often, but I used it and it gets…

[Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Yo, F* you Pete
you made a fool out of me

I used to trust you dawg
Now you embarrassing me

and you’re skinny as hell
and you make me mad
you think you funny, huh?
Well, you ain’t Josh GAD

and you tattoo sucks
you’re the guy no one likes

We used to be best friends
Now we foes for life
Damn!

[Cut to Drake walking the hallway] [Drake runs into Leslie. She is using her phone]

Drake: What’s up, Leslie?

Leslie: Huh?

Drake: No, I was just saying. I was like, “What’s up, Leslie?”

Leslie: Ay, man! I’m sorry. I- was just distracted. Check you later.

[Leslie walks away using her phone] [Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Oh you icing me b*
what did I do to you?
you used to be my best friend
now I’ll never trust you
is it stuff that I said?
cause if not that’s wack
most people I know
they would have said hi back

Damn!

[gun shot sound] [Cut to Drake sitting alone.] [Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey. Anybody using this chair?

[There’s Drake’s hat on the chair. Aidy puts the hat on the table and sit on the chair.] [Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Actually I was you bitch
It was for my hat
but for took it from me
Now we nevergoing back
I can never trust you
coz you a ruin to my hat
If Josh GAD was here
he would have made me laugh

damn!

[gunshot sounds] [Cut to Drake sitting alone. He drinks water out of bottle. There’s a little water left in the bottle.] [Janitor walks in]

Drake: Hi there.

[The janitor takes the bottle and puts it on the trash]

Oh, I actually wasn’t done.

[The janitor looks at Drake and walks away] [Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping] [rapping] I said I wasn’t done
you little f* ice cream
I had like 10 sips left
you just so damn men
Now I got no friends
and I’ve got no water
and I lost my hat

Damn!

[machine gun sound] [Cut to Drake sitting in the dressing room] [Lorne Michaels walks in]

Lorne: Drizzy. How’s it going?

Drake: Oh! I feel like– I feel like it’s going great.

Lorne: [patting on Drake’s shoulder] You’re doing a good job.

[Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Good job. That’s it?
I’m doing great, you bitch!
Say that again to my face
then suck my d*

[Cut back to Drake and Lorne]

Lorne: Drake, everything okay?

Drake: Um, yeah. Yeah. Everyone’s so nice here. You know?

[Cut to Drake’s rapping video.] [machine gun sound] [The End]

A New Kyle: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Kyle Mooney

…..Joe Fryer

…..Carson Daly

…..Pete Davidson

…..Lorne Michaels

…..Beck Bennett

…..Alex Moffat

…..Wendy Williams

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Kid Cudi

…..Chris Redd

…..Heidi Gardner

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Adam Driver

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Kyle is walking through the city. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: [ Cut to Kyle approaching NBC Studios. ]

So we’re back at SNL.

[ Cut to Kyle walking through the building. ]

Which is great.

[ Cut to Kyle opening the door for Studio 8 H. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting facing the camera and speaking out loud. ]

Kyle Mooney: It’s my sixth season. Sometimes I still feel like people don’t know who I am.

[ Cut to closing sequence of a previous SNL episode. Camera darkens out the hosts in the foreground and brightens a small Kyle clapping from behind mixed in with the rest of the cast. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: At the end of last year I thought maybe…

[ Cut back to Kyle facing the camera. ]

Kyle Mooney: …it’s finally happening. But then, this summer happened..

[ Cut to Joe Fryer on NBC News. ]

Joe Fryer: SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed [ Cut to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande posing for photos at the VMA’s. ] that he and singer, Ariana Grande, are engaged.

[ Cut to Carson Daly on the Today Show. ]

Carson Daly: Ariana and Pete’s announcement of their engagement…

[ Cut to three Instagram photos of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. ]

Female Voiceover: They’re engaged!

[ Cut to Pete Davidson coming out of an elevator as Kyle Mooney approaches from the hallway to the right. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Ah, L-Dog, this year’s gonna be lit.

Lorne Michaels: Get in here, brother. [ Lorne and Pete hug. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Love you man.

Lorne Michaels: Love you, too.

KYLE MOONEY: Hey Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Oh hey, Hey Kevin. [ Lorne Michaels walks past Kyle and down the hall. ] [ Cut back to Kyle Mooney speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I feel like this year I gotta make a statement.

[ Cut to Kyle looking in the mirror]

KYLE MOONEY Voiceover: So I’m gonna change things up a bit.

Female Hairdresser: Okay you sure you want to this? [ The hairdresser walks over and wraps a haircutting cape around Kyle. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah.

Female Hairdresser: Here we go. [ The hairdresser turns on an electric razor and approaches Kyle’s hairline. ] [Cut to black screen. ]

Female Producer Voice: Kyle to the floor please. Kyle.

[ Cut to SNL set. Beck Bennett and Alex Moffat are standing on set as Kyle Mooney approaches them now with short blonde hair like Pete Davidson’s. Kyle is also wearing clothes like Pete’s. ]

BECK BENNETT: Kyle?

KYLE MOONEY: Haha, what up.

BECK BENNETT: Why you so late man?

KYLE MOONEY: Why does it matter bro? I was just doing my thing. [ Kyle brings a rolled joint to his mouth and inhales. He then exhales onto Beck who backs away and swats the smoke from his face. ]

BECK BENNETT: Stop that dude. What are you…why are you smoking?

KYLE MOONEY: By the way that shirt’s pretty lit.

BECK BENNETT: Lit?

[ Cut to the ‘new’ Kyle speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I love this bro. People are finally starting to take me seriously. Now all I need is a hot celebrity girlfriend. And that’s fine by me.

[ Cut to Kyle walking into the meeting room of SNL writers. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Writers! If you guys are going to write me into your sketches. Y’all got to write my girlfriend into them, too. Come on in here baby. Y’all know my girl..Wendy Williams.

[Wendy Williams walks in carrying a picnic basket. ]

Wendy Williams: Hi everyone. Hi honey.

[ Kyle opens the picnic basket, and baby pig pops its head out. ]

KYLE MOONEY: We adopted a pig. Swag! [ Kyle makes a pumping motion with his fist, and Wendy William kisses him on the cheek. ] [ Cut to the elevators where Kenan Thompson is waiting for an elevator. Kyle and singer, Kid Cudi, come out of an elevator laughing. Pete Davidson walks up to them. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo, Cudi, I hit you earlier to hang out. How come you didn’t hit me back?

Kid Cudi: Oh, I guess, uh, I was just busy.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah, yeah, busy. [ Kyle laughs and wraps one arm around Kid Cudi’s shoulders. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo Kyle.

KYLE MOONEY: What’s up?

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you stealing my look and my friends? Don’t you know I have, like, mental problems?

[ Kyle pulls out a bottle of pills and shakes them at Pete. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Me too. [ Pete knocks the bottle of pills out of Kyle’s hand. Pete and Kyle start getting ready to fight. ] You wanna come at me, bro? [Kenan Thompson steps in breaks them apart.] You wanna come at me?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

KENAN THOMPSON: Chill. Chill! Y’all wanna settle this..do it the ‘Saturday Night Live’ way. Cool?

PETE DAVIDSON: Cool.

KYLE MOONEY: Cool.

[ Cut to a Romanesque set where the SNL cast members are dressed in medieval costumes. Pete and Kyle are in the middle of their circle in battle outfits getting ready to fight. ] [ Cut to Chris Redd drinking from an old mug. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett observing the room. ] [ Cut to Heidi Gardner eating a banana then tossing the peel. ] [ Cut to Pete licking his lips and standing across from Kyle surrounded by the other cast members. ]

Aidy Bryant: Gentleman choose wisely. [ Aidy presents a choice of weapons. Pete chooses the sword. Kyle chooses the ball and chain. Pete and Kyle begin to circle around each other. ] [ Cut to Adam Driver standing from the balcony overlooking the scene. ]

Adam Driver: Guys, guys, guys, guys. As host of this show, I think I have to ask you to not do this. [ Adam is shot with an arrow into his leg. ] Jesus!

[ Cut to Beck holding a bow after he shot the arrow. ]

BECK BENNETT: You don’t belong here.

[ Cut to Adam Driver limping off the balcony with the arrow stuck in his leg. ] [ Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. ]

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR: Now, fight! [ Melissa hits a gong with a mallett. ] [ Cut to Kyle and Pete circling each other holding their weapons. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I’m going to enjoy this.

[ Pete lowers his sword. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are we doing this man? I don’t want to fight you.

KYLE MOONEY: Really?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, man. We’re friends.

[ Kyle sighs with relief. Then Pete thrusts his sword into Kyle’s chest. ] [ Cut to Heidi looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Chris looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Pete releasing his sword and Kyle stumbling backwards. Kyle slips on the banana peel that Heidi had thrown aside earlier. ] [ Cut to Pete smirking. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting up holding the banana peel with the sword still in his chest. Kyle laughs. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett laughing. ] [ Cut to Aidy and Melissa laughing. ] [ Cut to Pete hesitating a smile then giving in to laughter as he looks around the room. ] [ Cut to Kyle continuing to laugh. ] [ Cut to Pete mockingly imitating Kyle slipping on the banana peel. The rest of the cast continues to laugh in the background. ] [ Cut to Pete and Kyle facing the camera and talking. Kyle is back in his regular haircut and clothes. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, um, it looks like we’re friends again.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah. And I guess I learned that it doesn’t matter what you look like or how popular you are. It’s just about having fun.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Hey, what’s that? [ Pete points to nothing on Kyle’s chest. Kyle looks down at his finger, and Pete flicks him on the nose. Kyle flinches. Pete laughs. Kyle begins to cough and spit up blood, and his chest wound opens up and begins to bleed. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Doctor says I’m going to die a little later.