[FADE to Gil-Scott Heron at the microphone as the band starts up behind him and a sax player hits a few notes to his left.]
Gil-Scott Heron: Now a song for you about bright days and sunshine.
“It’s on a bright spring morning, There’s not a cloud in the sky, And it’s got me out here walking, And waving to the ladies as they stroll by.
And I ain’t forgot for a moment The other things I need to do, But when I see that old sun shinin’, I feel like I can make it too.
And yes, and all I really want to say, Is that the problems come and go, But the sunshine seems to stay.
And just look around, I think we found a lovely day.
[speaking] Bang. The flowers woke up blooming, And put on a color show just for me. [speaking] And I appreciate it. Bang.
The shadows dark and gloomy, I told them all to keep that away from me.
Because I don’t feel like believing Everything I do’s gonna turn out wrong, When the vibrations I’m receiving Say, “Hold on, brother, just you be strong.”
And yes, and all I really want to say, Is that my problems come and go, But the sunshine seems to stay.
Just look around, I think we found a lovely day.
And sometimes it rains, [speaking] And you, And I feel kind of strange, Because it seems like my problems begin Without the sunshine on which I depend.
And all that brings me feeling, Yeah, some say, Just look around,
[applause]
I think we found a lovely day. I think we found a lovely day.
[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]
Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.
[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]
Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] Im retired, and Iwant to go to bed…
Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!
[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]
Ploobis: Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.
Peuta: Come to bed!!
Ploobis: [slurring] Dont tell me what to do!
Peuta: Youre still drunk!
Ploobis: And youre still ugly. Were even.
[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]
Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much forcoming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d liketo dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, myfriend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool.Miles always gets women, though, ’cause he talks socool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] “What’shappenin’?”
I get women, too. I can’t keep ’em but I get ’em.Women always leave me, man! I don’t mind ’em leavin’but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Justleave! Don’t tell me why! ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’you can do but stand there and look silly, right? Yoube … [imitates a man standing there and lookingsilly: points to himself in surprise, shrugshelplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head indisbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool whenyou get mad. [as an angry man] “WELL, GO ON AND GETOUT THEN!” [as a cool, calm woman] “I’m leaving.” [asthe man] “I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” [as thewoman] “Don’t worry, you shan’t.”
Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin’for a while but I used to go into bars and check outthe people that were drinkin’ and they weren’t happy.And they get beat up a lot. No — drunks, they startout cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin’:[quiet, polite] “Give me a Scotch and soda, please.”Real cool. ‘Bout a hour later: [instantly imitates adrunk, yelling at a bartender to his right] “WHAT?!WHAT YOU MEAN I’M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn’t drunk when Icame in here! And I ain’t gonna leave till I’m sober.Now, you can dig that, baby. Bartender?! Are you thebartender? Give everybody in here somethin’. Give ’ema beer. And twenty straws. Ha ha! Whoooo!” [applause,Pryor turns to his left] “Hey! Huh? What you lookin’at, bitch? What? No, I don’t know what time it is.It’s time for you to stop messin’ with me. That’s whattime it is. I know I’m ugly but I don’t look like noclock. That’s right, baby. [turns to his right] What?What are you worried about? You the bartender. If Isay somethin’ to this piece of wood, then you saysomethin’. Otherwise, you can freeze on your thing,baby. You know, ’cause I’ll bust you apart. Ha haaaa!Whooo! [turns to his left, looks up] What you want,big ol’ dude? Apologize to who? For what? I don’t careif she your mama– [suddenly falls to the floor andtries to fend off blows with his arms as if beingpunched and kicked by the big ol’ dude] Hey, man! Waita minute, man! [rises] I’m just kiddin’, man, baby.What you doin’?! You done kick me in the ass, baby![feels his sore ass] You in a world o’ trouble now!No, don’t hold him — let him go, baby! Come on, youwant some of me? [puts his fists up to fight but isinstantly knocked to the floor, bounces back up again]Wait a minute, man. I’m only kiddin’ ya now.”[pretends to vomit all over himself noisily, muchapplause.]
That’s why I don’t drink so much. Take acid, either.White dudes take acid. They do. They take acid and gosee “The Exorcist.” They crazy. White dude gave mesome acid once at a party, too, jack. And I thought Iwas crazy before I took it. It saned me right up. Dudesay: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “This is far out.” Isaid, “What?” Says: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “It’sfar out.” I took it, jack. [mimes taking the acid,then as the white dude] “You’re gonna be trippin’!”
‘Bout twenty minutes later, I was at the party: “Hey,blood, what’s happenin’? [mimes one half of a complexhandshake for two brothers] Everything is cool. Whitedude gave me some stuff I’m gonna be trippin’! Youknow, I ain’t goin’ no place without my luggage.Believe that. [runs his lips over his teeth, somethingfeels funny, he puts his left hand up to his face,then starts waving it back and forth, his eyes rivetedto his hand, then he starts waving both hands aroundin the air watching them intently] Look at this, man!I can catch my hand! [eyes bug out, mouth opens wide,a high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [suddenlythe squeal becomes low-pitched and Pryor starts moving– and talking — in slow motion] Uh oh. I’ve got toget out of here! [running in very slow motion acrosshome base, another high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaa![suddenly stops, clutches his chest, in a normal butpanicked voice] I don’t remember how to breathe! Ican’t breathe! [opens mouth, bobs head] One, two,three. Ain’t nothin’ happenin’, man!” [nerdy whitedude’s voice] “Told ya it was far out!”
[tripping again] “I’m gonna die! I don’t even know whoI am, I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’mgonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonnadie! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! [keeps repeating”I’m gonna die!” over and over in an increasinglyfunky rhythm and then starts dancing goofily to thebeat – it begins to sound like an auctioneer’s chant -abruptly, he stops and raises an arm triumphantlywhile speaking gibberish that sounds vaguely like anAfrican tribesman – this segues into a briefpseudo-native American chant – finally, Pryor flapshis arms in slow motion as if about to fly away] What- in – the – world – is – happening – to – me?!” [Muchapplause. Pryor waves to the audience.]
Jane Curtin: Good evening! Welcome to “Looks At Books”. I’m your host, Jane Curtin. My guest tonight is the author of several books on race in America, and he’s here to talk about his latest book, “White Like Me”. Welcome, won’t you, Junior Griffin. Junior, why don’t you begin by describing the ordeal behind your book?
Junior Griffin: Well.. I decided that the only way to understand a white man’s problems was to actually become a white man, get white skin, and live like a white man in a white’s man world, you know?
Jane Curtin: And, uh, how did you accomplish this?
Junior Griffin: Uh.. shoe polish.
Jane Curtin: Here’s a copy of the book, with a picture of Junior as a white man. [ holds up book photo ] Junior, what did it feel like to suddenly be white?
Junior Griffin: Well, you know, it was spooky! Um.. I was walkin’ around with the credit cards bulgin’ out of my wallet, you know? And I’d apply for jobs, get accepted 8 out of 10 times, you know? And things I never dreamt of was happenin’ to me! It was really something else!
Jane Curtin: You know, I don’t want to offend you, Junior.. but I don’t think I would believe you were white – even with shoe polish. Did any other white folks catch on to your game?
Junior Griffin: Not a one. There’s some dumb honkies out there! They didn’t catch on a bit! ‘Cause I got into it! You know? I became a white person! And got a white attitude, you know what I mean?
Jane Curtin: Could you, uh, demonstrate this for us?
Junior Griffin: Well, if you don’t mind. But, you see, there’s a certain white walk that you have to have. And a certain white talk! [ stands ] I mean, you just can’t be like this, you know what I mean? You got to get down and say things like.. [ in a white voice ] “Excuse me? Would you move out of my way?” And you walk like this – check this walk! [ walks in a stilted white way ]
Jane Curtin: You got me! [ laughs ] Tell me, Junior, do you have any works in progress?
Junior Griffin: Well.. I’m working on a new book – it’s from the perspective of White Jewish-American Princesses.
Jane Curtin: That’s going to be very difficult.
Junior Griffin: Oh, it’s gonna be tricky, all right. You know, I’m gonna have to have a sex-change operation, and I’m gonna marry a doctor..
Jane Curtin: Well, we’ll talk more about that later..
Junior Griffin: ..have a couple kids, probably..
Jane Curtin: Thank you very much, Junior, for being on this show, and we’ll be right back after this message.
Policeman…..Dan Aykroyd Woman…..Gilda Radner Black Man…..Richard Pryor Policemen…..John Belushi, Tom Schiller, Chevy Chase
[FADE IN on John Belushi, Tom Schiller, and Chevy Chase all dressed as policemen and leading Richard Pryor into the lineup in his black robe. He has a huge bandage on his forehead, and he looks like hes been beaten up. The policemen all point at him while Pryor cups his hands in a pleading manner.]
Policeman: Okay, now, maam, which man is the one who allegedly robbed your liquor store?
Woman: Uh, thats him, the one with the mustache.
[The three policemen all touch their upper lips to make sure they dont have mustaches, then nod and point to Pryor again.]
[FADE IN on Richard Pryor in a police lineup and wearing his black robe, but he now has bandages on his face as well as his forehead. ZOOM out to show the entire lineup from left to right: a refrigerator, Pryor, a goose, and Jane Curtin dressed as a nun and staring icily at him.]
Policeman: All right, maam, now, is this the man who took your purse?
Woman: Uh, Im not quite sure if its him. Uh, could you open the icebox?
Policeman…..Dan Aykroyd Woman…..Gilda Radner Boy Scout…..Tom Schiller Black Man…..Richard Pryor Doctor…..John Belushi Businessman…..Chevy Chase
[FADE IN on a police lineup room. Four people file in from the left and stand in front of the height lines. From right to left, they are: Tom Schiller dressed as a Boy Scout; Richard Pryor in a black bathrobe, with his wrists in handcuffs and a large bandage on his forehead; John Belushi dressed as a doctor; and Chevy Chase dressed as a businessman in a gray suit. Richard grimaces and tries furtively to cover his face.]
Policeman: [off camera] All right now, maam, please do not be frightened, the suspects cannot see you. Can you identify the man who assaulted you?
Woman: [off camera] Well, I, I couldnt see him too clearly, but, uh, Im sure its the one in the handcuffs.
[The three white guys all look down at their hands and smile in relief. John and Chevy shake hands.]
[FADE IN on Pryor standing onstage and applauding the Albert Brooks film.]
Richard Pryor: Thank you. Wed like to say that we–
[Audience Member is heard shouting from the audience.]
Audience Member: Richard, Richard! Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
Richard Pryor: What?
Audience Member: I have proof! Tell the truth!
[CUT to Audience Member in a cordoroy blazer as he walks toward the stage from the seats.]
Richard Pryor: What are you talking about?
Audience Member: [breathlessly] There were two assassins in Dallas! There were two! I have proof! I have truth, proof! Oswald collaborated with the CIA one month–CIA one month before the assassination! There were shots fired from the Grassy Knoll area!
[Faint voices can be heard in the distance.]
Audience Member: Th–
[A shot rings out, and Schiller sprawls on the stage and lies motionless right at Pryors feet. He stares down at him and then looks up nervously.]
Richard Pryor: Uh, I had nothing to do with this. Uh, Dick Gregory started this. I didnt do nothin about that.
[Audience laughs]
Richard Pryor: I dont care who killed who!
[HOLD on Pryors trying to look clueless, then FADE to black.]
Racist Word Association Interview
Written by: Paul Mooney
Interviewer…..Chevy Chase
Mr. Wilson…..Richard Pryor
Interviewer: Alright, Mr. Wilson, you’ve done just fine on the Rorshact.. your papers are in good order.. your file’s fine.. no difficulties with your motor skills.. And I think you’re probably ready for this job. We’ve got one more psychological test we always do here. It’s just a Word Association. I’ll throw you out a few words – anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It’s kind of an arbitrary thing. Like, if I say “dog”, you’d say..?
Mr. Wilson: “Tree”.
Interviewer: “Tree”. [ nods head, prepares the test papers ] “Dog”.
Mr. Wilson: “Tree”.
Interviewer: “Fast”.
Mr. Wilson: “Slow”.
Interviewer: “Rain”.
Mr. Wilson: “Snow”.
Interviewer: “White”.
Mr. Wilson: “Black”.
Interviewer: “Bean”.
Mr. Wilson: “Pod”.
Interviewer: [ casually ] “Negro”.
Mr. Wilson: “Whitey”.
Interviewer: “Tarbaby”.
Mr. Wilson: [ silent, sure he didn’t hear what he thinks he heard ] What’d you say?
Interviewer: [ repeating ] “Tarbaby”.
Mr. Wilson: “Ofay”.
Interviewer: “Colored”.
Mr. Wilson: “Redneck”.
Interviewer: “Junglebunny”.
Mr. Wilson: [ starting to get angry ] “Peckerwood!”
Interviewer: “Burrhead”.
Mr. Wilson: [ defensive ] “Cracker!”
Interviewer: [ aggressive ] “Spearchucker”.
Mr. Wilson: “White trash!”
Interviewer: “Jungle Bunny!”
Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] “Honky!”
Interviewer: “Spade!
Mr. Wilson: [ really upset ] “Honky Honky!”
Interviewer: [ relentless ] “Nigger!”
Mr. Wilson: [ immediate ] “Dead honky!” [ face starts to flinch ]
Interviewer: [ quickly wraps the interview up ] Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?
Mr. Wilson: Your momma!
Interviewer: [ fumbling ] Uh.. $7,500 a year?
Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!
Interviewer: [ desperate ] $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You’ll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don’t.. don’t hurt me, please..
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: [ relieved ] Okay.
Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?
Interviewer: Oh, no, no.. that’s alright. I’ll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.
[FADE IN on Richard Pryor standing in the middle of the cast and guests with laughter in the background. The daughter from the Black Takeover sketch is hugging Richard from behind, and Jane Curtin is staring intensely at his face. Gilda Radner is seen over his shoulder. To his right, Laraine Newman is holding a donut in one hand and a pickle in the other.]
Richard Pryor: If you didnt watch the show, we hope you made love!
[Behind him, Chevy Chase opens his eyes wide and shouts in mock-horror.]
Richard Pryor: Thank you and good night!
[Howard Shores All-Nurse Band strikes up the closing theme. Farther to the right, the mother in the Black Takeover sketch reaches across and waves a bottle of ketchup. John Belushi takes it from her and smirks mischeviously. ROLL credits as Pryor reaches over to shake Gilda Radners hand, then Laraines, and then the mothers. Belushi claps and the cast members to Pryors right lock arms and sway back and forth while the camera zooms out. Credits roll up to this has been an NBC television network production, then FADE to black.]
