Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Billy’s Call Home

Mom ….. Jane Curtin
Dad ….. Dan Aykroyd
Billy ….. Chevy Chase
Officer ….. Garrett Morris

[ FADE IN on a middle-aged Southern couple in their living room reading quietly. The mom checks her watch angrily ]

Mom: Where is Billy? It’s 10:30 and he’s got school tomorrow!

Dad: Oh, that’s okay. He told me he’s helping that nice Mr. Eli out with the candy sales. He’ll be home.

Mom: Yeah, and young Clyde Merribell’s been missing for three weeks! I want Billy home on time.

[ The phone rings and the father answers it ]

Dad: Hello?

Billy’s voice on phone: Dad?

Dad: Billy? Are you all right, son?

[ CUT to Billy on the telephone, seated in an office with a police officer staring pensively at him ]

Billy: Uh, I’m down at the police station, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Well son, you couldn’t have done anything too serious. You’d never believe some of the stuff I did when I was your age. What are you accused of now, Billy?

Billy: Murder.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is that Billy? Is he all right?

Dad: Billy’s in a little trouble now, mother. Now Billy, uh, uh, everything’s gonna be all right. Your mother and I’ll help you out. We’ll get a lawyer down there, spend any money in the world to get a lawyer to prove your innocence, Billy.

Billy’s voice on phone: Well, I’m guilty, dad.

Dad: (clears throat) Well…uh, uh…your mother and I love you very much, son, and we’ll do anything we can to help, and I’m sure that whatever you did there you did for a good reason. And, and you’re a good boy.

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: No, I’m not. See, I helped kill 26 boys.

Dad’s voice on phone: Uh, 26 boys?

Billy: Well, I picked up some hitch hikers and brought them over to a party at Mr Eli’s. And, well, they sniffed glue and, uh, we had this makeshift plywood stake…

Dad’s voice on phone: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on now. Now don’t you blurt anything out there till we get a lawyer down there.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is he hurt?

Dad: Wait, mama, wait. Billy’s in a little trouble now. I’ll tell you when I get off. Now, now, Billy, uh…we’re gonna come down there with a lawyer and your mother and I love you, and…be brave! Keep your chin up, all right son?

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: All right, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Okay, bye bye now, son.

Billy: Bye.

[ CUT back to the house where Dad hangs up the phone ]

Mom: It isn’t mari-huana, is it?

Dad: No, it’s not marijuana, mom.

Mom: Oh, thank the Lord!

[ They resume reading as the camera pulls back ]

[ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Bee Capades

….. Candice Bergen
….. Chevy Chase
Bees ….. Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Anne Beatts, Tom Schiller, Neil Levy, Akira Yoshimura, Tom Davis, Al Franken, Rosie Shuster

[ TITLE CARD – “BEE CAPADES” in white letters on a red background with an illustration of a skating bee ]

[ DISSOLVE to a still shot of Candice Bergen on the ice rink ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): There you are.

Candice Bergen (V/O): Oh, that’s me!

[ DISSOLVE to a high angle shot on the 13 Bees lined up in two rows at an angle, with Candice skating down the middle ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Yup, and there are the Bees forming a traditional Christmas tree with you skating in the middle. Of course, we had a high angle on all of these.

[ CUT to a closer shot of Candice and the Bees. Al Franken falls down as the other Bees start skating ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): There you are again, Candice.

[ CUT to a wide shot of the Bees going into a formation. Even when they are in formation, it is impossible to tell what they are portraying ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Now, the Bees are going into a formation here…we lost our picture above…I believe they were doing a formation describing cranberry sauce.

[ CUT to a close, panning shot of Bees Al Franken, John Belushi, Akira Yoshimura, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Anne Beatts in formation. Candice is shown applauding the Bees ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Mm-hm, there’s you again.

[ CUT to another high angle shot of the Bees going into formation ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): And here comes the famous nativity tableaux.

[ CUT to a close-up of Candice striking a pose ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): We had such a beautiful angle from…there’s you again.

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me, yes.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[ The Bees going into their nativity scene is shown again at half the speed, making it somewhat clearer what they were trying to convey ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): The nativity tableaux by the Bees. But we lost the picture above the, uh…but you can sort of get a picture of it here. They move very gracefully, with the precision of army ants. And there’s you.

Candice Bergen (V/O): Yes, yes, that’s me.

[ DISSOLVE to the Bees going into another formation in a series of medium shots ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Undauntingly beautiful…here comes their fourth formation. Now, none of us could figure this out from the ice if you could remember.

[ A shot of Candice posing is shows ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Yes, that’s you again. However, from above none of us could figure this out. So they immediatly went into their fourth formation. There you have it.

[ After the Bees create their incomprehensible fourth formation, Candice strikes a pose in a close-up ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): There’s you.

[ The Bees start skating again ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): And I believe what they were trying to do here was spell something out. I think it was “mistletoe” or “edeste fidelis”…

[ The footage of the Bees going into their fourth formation is repeated ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): …but they went back into the exact same formation here from some strange reason.

[ Yet another close-up of Candice is shown ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me again.

Chevy Chase (V/O): There’s you.

[ Closer shots of the Bees skating. Chevy Chase can be seen in his Bee costume ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Now, we got our picture back here, I remember…there’s me…and the Bees did a tribute to their trainer Leon.

[ An aerial shot shows the Bees lying down on the ice spelling out “NOEL”. The audience appluads ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): That’s about it.

[ The camera pans upwards to the Rockefeller Christmas tree and zooms into the star at the top ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Isn’t that beautiful and Christmassy?

Candice Bergen (V/O): It’s gorgeous.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Just two minutes.

[ DISSOLVE to a still shot of Candice skating in front of Bees Tom Schiller, John Belushi, and Dan Aykroyd ]

[ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:



A Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 20th, 1975

Candice Bergen

Martha Reeves

The Stylistics

The Muppets

Margaret Kuhn

Gary Weis

Joe Dicso

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Michael O’Donoghue
Christmas Eve at the White HouseSummary: President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) delivers a fireside chat, trims the Christmas tree and takes a fall.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candace Bergen has decided to host “SNL” again as a Christmas present to herself.

Also Hosted: 75d, 75j, 87e, 89t.

Transcript

Martha Reeves performs “Higher & Higher”Bio: Martha Reeves (1941-) was the former lead singer of The Vandellas during the 60’s.

Mel’s Char PalaceSummary: Mel (Dan Aykroyd) lets you cut the cows into your own steak.

Recurring Characters: Mel.

Transcript

Billy’s Call HomeSummary: Billy (Chevy Chase) calls his parents to say he’s guilty of 26 counts of murder.

Transcript

Home MoviesSummary: Candice Bergen invites viewers to send in their home movies for free.

Transcript

Bee CapadesSummary: In an SNL home film, Candice Bergen and The Bees ice skate outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift CatalogSummary: This segment’s selection is a digital clock.

Transcript

The Stylistics perform “You Make Me Feel Brand New”Bio: The Stylistics are James Dunn, Airrion Love, Herb Murrell, James Smith, and Russell Thompkins, Jr. The soul quintent had 12 straight Top Ten hits in the early 70’s.

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

The ElfSummary: A woman (Candice Bergen) learns that her brother (Chevy Chase) is an elf.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman reports on the celebration in Times Square eleven days before New Year’s. A wrong number leads Chevy Chase to Angelo’s Pizza instead of Angola Prison. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) gives an editorial response to say that she’s against “firing” the handicapped. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Tarn-OffSummary: The cleansing agent Princess Grace (Candice Bergen) uses to sparkle her jewels.

Transcript

The LaundromatSummary: Sparks fly between a man (John Belushi) and a woman (Gilda Radner) when they combine their clothes and share a washing machine.

Transcript

PongSummary: Al Franken deduces that self-proclaimed “Pinball Wizard” Tom Davis fares poorly at Pong.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: King Ploobis’ Christmas party is a bust until Candice Bergen arrives and sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with him and Scred.

Transcript

Mel’s Char Palace IISummary: Mel (Dan Aykroyd) & Mrs. Mel (Gilda Radner) advertise again.

Recurring Characters: Mel, Mrs. Mel.

Transcript

Candice Bergen and the cast perform “Winter Wonderland”

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalog IISummary: Another selection from the Don Pardo line of digital gifts.

Minute MysterySummary: Mike Mendoza (Dan Aykroyd) fails to suspect a sexy woman (Candice Bergen) of this week’s crime.

Recurring Characters: Mike Mendoza.

Transcript

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalog IIISummary: Yet another selection from the Don Pardo line of digital gifts.

Martha Reeves performs “Silver Bells”

What Gilda AteSummary: Gilda Radner relays last Christmas’ strange appetite cravings.

Transcript

The Fritzie Kringle ShowSummary: Fritzie Kringle (Laraine Newman) eats her ingredients prematurely.

Mel’s Char Palace IIISummary: A final ad for Mel’s Char Palace.

Recurring Characters: Mel.

Transcript

Margaret KuhnSummary: Margaret Kuhn says “getting old is nothing to be afraid of.”

Bio: Margaret Kuhn (1905-95) actively fought for the rights of the elderly after she was forced to retire in 1970 at the age of 65. She founded the Gray Panthers in Philadelphia in 1971, and was given the Humanist of the Year award in 1978.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis film uses Simon & Garfunkel soundtrack to show travelers coming home to their families at Christmas.

Bio: A regular contributor of short films on “Saturday Night Live” during its first three seasons, Gary Weis also produced and directed the 1978 Rutles film “All You Need Is Cash.”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] No.. I love it when you make noise. Remember when.. [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Secretary of State Henry Kissinger stated today that he is tired of using his silly accent in public, and will speak in English. This will in no way effect the content of what he has been saying.

In spite of recent allegations of rampant homosexual activities in theprofessional sports world, from hockey to harness racing, many team owners and executives deny the existence of such practices. Commissioner of Baseball, Bowie Kuhn, and NFL Head, Pete Rozelle, could not be reached for comment this weekend, in the Bridal Suite of the Americana Hotel.

In a speech to the Athens, Georgia, Chamber of Commerce, presidential contender George Wallace said, “I don’t judge a man by the color of his skin. I judge him according to how well you can see him in the dark when he smiles.”

Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: I’m here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can’t even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn’t good, and even though they get bread, I don’t believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don’t have toys in jail, except maybe..

Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting.

Emily Litella: Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.

UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charity’s new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, “Let’s kill the Arabs and take their oil!”

Chevy Chase: Our final story tonight: Frank Sinatra celebrated his 60th birthday this week, with a party aboard his luxury yacht, the S.S. Hoboken. One humorous note: a minor accident occured when the yacht struck an autograph seeker who was swimming toward it. Always the joker, ol’ Blue Eyes chuckled later, “Well, I guess it’s simply another case of the ship hitting the fan.” No damage to the yacht; the swimmer was killed instantly.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. [ Garrett’s face appears in a circle to Chevy’s right ] “Our top story tonight..”

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] “Our top story tonight..!”

Chevy Chase: “..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..”

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] “..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..!”

Chevy Chase: “..is still dead.”

Garrett Morris: “..is still dead!”

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-special-deals-.html

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Black Takeover

Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Daughter…..Gilda Radner/Annazette Chase
Mom…..Jane Curtin/Kathy McKee
Son…..John Belushi/Richard Pryor

[ open on a white suburban family talking over dinner ]

Dad: ..And the point is, that they are taking over! First they bought the Sweeney’s house, and they bought the Thomason’s house, and then they bought the Smith’s! Let’s face facts here, they’re taking over, I’m telling you!

[ phone rings ]

Daughter: I’ll get it! [ jumps out of chair ]

Mom: No phone conversatons during dinner, Polly, you know that.

Daughter: [ whining ] Oh, come on, Mom! I just know it’s Steven! I just know he’s gonna ask me to the Christmas dance! He’s the captain of the football team, and I just know he’ll ask Judy Irving if I don’t go, and it’ll just ruin my life!

Daughter: Oh, okay.. But make it fast before your fruited jellogets cold!

[ Daughter runs for the phone ]

Dad: [ still ranting ] They’re taking over! Like some kind of flu bug! First one guy at the office is up with the runs, and then it starts to spread!

Son: [ holding empty milk pitcher ] Mom? Dad? Would anybody else like some fresh, whole milk?

Mom: No thank you, Scotty.

Son: You mind if I be excused from the table?

Mom: Go right ahead.

Son: Thanks! [ exits dining room ]

Dad: That is what this black thing is like! It’s just like the runs! It’s like some kind of bug! It’s everywhere you look, and there’s nowhere you can go except for the solace of your own bathroom!

[ Daughter returns to the room, happy and black ]

Daughter: Oh, Mom! He asked me!

Mom: Do we interrupt when your father is talking, Polly?

Daughter: [ sullen ] I’m sorry.. [ sits down ]

Dad: [ not noticing his daughter ] It’s scary, that’s all, it just scares me! One day you’re living next door to one, and the next day you are working for one!

[ Son returns with empty milk pitcher, and black skin ]

Son: Sorry, Mom, but I just spilled some milk on your counter..

Mom: [ upset ] The counter that I just cleaned and shined in one motion?!

Son: Gee, Mom.. holy creepers! I’ll go clean it up..

Mom: No, Scotty, I’ll get it, it’s woman’s work.. [ retreats tokitchen ]

Son: Thanks, Mom. [ sits ]

Dad: One day one’s Governor, next day one’s President, next day one’s.. Barbra Streisand.. I don’t know..

[ Mom returns to the table, also black ]

Mom: Oh, thank goodness. the shine is still there. Now, what were you saying, dear?

Dad: I was saying that they are taking over! I can see it happeneing all around me! I know, I’ve got eyes, I can see! [ fails to notice his family has turned black ] Scotty, would you, uh.. pass the grits, please..?

[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Japanese Joke Jackets: Three Sleeves And None Of Them Work!” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Richard Pryor Stand-Up

…..Richard Pryor

 

Richard Pryor: The pictures, uh, the pictures that you saw on the TV between the commercials — that’s my family. That was my grandmother, the last one.[Applause.] I didn’t want you to think I was sellin’ my family or nothin’, you know. Grandmother raised me, you know, used to send me to church and stuff so I’d be good. But I liked to hang with the winos. I did.’Cause winos know Jesus personally. Very religious, you know. Every wino, you ask ’em, “Where’s Jesus?”[imitates a screaming wino] “JESUS! HE LIVE OVER IN THE PROJECTS!” And I’d stand around watchin’ ’em direct traffic early Sunday morning. Winos are great at directin’ traffic, you know.

[as the wino, whistles] “HEY, FOOL! YOU BETTER SLOW THAT CAR DOWN! DON’T COME DRIVING DOWN THROUGH HERE LIKE YOU CRAZY! THIS A NEIGHBORHOOD — THIS AIN’T NO RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT! You could have killed that sign, anything! I ain’t a-playin’ with you. I’ll put a hurtin’ on you, boy. Mess with me. [mumbling to himself, he mimes pulling a bottle from his back pocket, has trouble unscrewing the top] Damn! [drinks, makes a face] Whoooo! Buddy, buddy! [screws the top back on and pockets the bottle while singingwordlessly] Jesus on my mind! [puts index finger to the side of his nose and blows, repeats with the other index finger, gets snot on sleeve, wipes it off on his pants, shakes his head sadly] I ain’t good as I used to be. [sees something and points] Now, look at him, look at that boy over there, standin’ in the middle of the street. Boy’s a stone junkie. Look at him. Used to be a genius. Used to book the numbers, didn’t need paper or pencil. Look at him. Now he can’t remember who he is. [whistles] Hey, Junior! GET OUT OF THE STREET, BOY! N****, YOU AIN’T NO STOP SIGN! GET OFF THE STREET! JUNIOR!”

[imitates the junkie, mouth open, head thrown back, face to the sky, straightens up, looks around in a panicked daze] “What’s happenin’?! Hey! What’shappenin’?! I know somethin’ happenin’ ’cause everything movin’. HEY, OLD DUDE! Pops! You got anything? I feel bad enough to drink some milk.”

[as the wino] “Yeah, I got somethin’ for ya, boy! Come on off that street. That narcotic done made you null and void. Come here, boy. Come here. Nasty, stinkin’ devil, you. When you get a job, boy, go to work?”

[as the junkie] “Get a job? Go to work? You talkin’ to the kid, baby. I worked five years in a row when I was in the joint. I did a nickel, baby. And I can work my tail off, man, pressin’ license plates. That’s right. But where n*****s gonna get a job out here pressin’ license plates? Huh? I went to the unemployment bureau… Damn, baby. [falls asleep on his feet, the audience applauds, and Pryor abruptly wakes up, confused]Was I through? [after a pause, resumes his story] I walked to the unemployment bureau, walked downtown –clean, you know what I mean? Walked up to the lady sittin’ in there with an ol’ tiara on her head, typin’ tip tip tip tip tip. I said, HEY! She said: [woman’svoice] ‘Ooh ooh!’ I say, Hey! What’s happenin’? She looked at my paper: [woman’s voice] ‘You got a criminal record!’ I said I know that! I’m a criminal! Tell me somethin’ I don’t know. Like where I’m gonna get a job pressin’ license plates. I slapped you know what. She got all upset. [woman’s voice] ‘Oooh ooh ooh ooh! Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me!’ I say, I ain’t gonna– Be cool, old lady — you know? I ain’t gonna take no bust for no old lady. Old n****r with a gun down there come on: [voice of a cranky old man, slapping his holstered gun with his hand] ‘Hey, what’s the trouble, buddy? Come on, what’s going on? What’s the trouble?’ Hey, YOU the trouble, Tex! Who you supposed to be? Jesse James? Made me sick, man. I threw up on the floor. He talkin’ ’bout: [cranky old man’s voice] ‘Clean it up, baby, clean it up.’ I ain’t cleanin’ no nothin’. If I’d a-wanted it, I’d a-kept it! [Applause.] But I’m hurtin’, baby, you know? I went home, ya’ know. Mama called me a dog. Ma dear, she did. Daddy say he don’t wanna see me in the vicinity. Just ’cause I stole his television. Wasn’t nothin’ on it. Can you help me out, old dude? Please? I’m sick, man. [sings weakly] Help me make it through the night.

[as the wino] “I’m gonna help you, boy. ‘Cause I believe you got potential. That’s right, you can be somebody ’cause you’re sharp, know what I mean? [takesout bottle, unscrews it, hands it to the junkie] Try some o’ that. Don’t you drop it, n***r! Put … Slowdown. Just take a sip! Go ahead. [watches junkie take a long swallow] You know somethin’ about football, don’t you? PASS IT! [applause, takes the bottle, wipesrim] You know what your problem is? You don’t know how to deal with the white man! You got a white man complex. I know how to deal with him. That’s why I’m in the position I’m in today.” [drinks from the bottle, makes a face, screws the top back on, and pockets it] Thank you. [Much applause.]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Shelley Pryor

…..Shelley Pryor

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Shelley Pryor!

[ZOOM in on Shelley. She is at center stage with long, straw-colored hair, an olive green leisure suit, dark slacks, and very long fingernails.]

Shelley Pryor: You know, this being the season to be jolly and everything, I’ve written a little story to help you get your jollies… [grins] …and it’s about my most favorite place in the world, the carousel in Central Park.

[Calliope music starts playing]
You see, once upon a time,
There was the most beautiful white carousel,
With two horses in love.
Now here’s their story I tell.

Now, the boy’s name was Ching,
And the girl’s name was Jing,
And their was abounding,
A most wonderful thing.

Until one day… [play “dum-de-dum-dum” from “Dragnet”]

Well, you see, Ching was a carousel horse.
Now, he was white out of one dozen.
But he couldn’t go up and down, [makes up-and-down motion]
Like his uncles or his cousins.

Well, this made Ching
Very, very sad,
Because going up and down
Made children glad.

And every Sunday they would run to the park,
And ride on the carousel
Until way after dark.
But they wouldn’t ride Ching.

Now that, of course, was a very sad thing.

[piano music gets louder]
Well, you see, Ching used to be able to
Go up and down,
Until one day this fat lady
Rolled into town,

And when she heard the music,
And she could tell that the music
Came from the carousel,
And carousels were her favorite thing.

So she ran to the park
Where she saw little Ching,
And she jumped on Ching–
And broke his spring.

And that was the end of his up-and-down thing.
[makes up-and-down motion]

[sad piano music]
Well, then, then, the grown-up people came,
And they took Ching off the carousel
To this tunnel underground,
And they stripped his white paint,
And they colored him brown.

And they tied a little cowboy’s scarf around his neck,
And they nailed a little metal box to his side,
And he carried the sign that said,
“Ten cents a ride.”

And they put him in front of a supermarket
On the other side of town,
And now he just rocks back and forth. [makes up-and-down motion]
He couldn’t go up and down. [grins]

But you know what?
Jing-a-ling, she still loved him very, very much,
Even though her friends would all fiddle.

[in nasal, nagging voice]
“Now, listen:
You CAN’T love a horse like him.
I mean, he doesn’t have a spring.
Now, think about your kids:
They’ll be stuck in the middle.”

Well, come on, I mean, stuck in the middle
Because he doesn’t have a spring?
Now why should true friends
Be worried about such a thing? [grins]

Or, was it that he lived
On the other side of town,
And that she was white,
And he was brown?

Well, you know, it’s really very funny
That even to this day,
Some carousel horses,
And ponies that rock,

And you know, some people too
Are still in shock?

I mean, it really is a shame,
That no one ever understood,
That underneath their paint,
They were all made of wood.

But I, uh, I guess that’s a horse of another color, huh?

[Shelley grins mischievously and bows as the audience applauds.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Samurai Hotel

Written by: Tom Schiller

Samurai…..John Belushi
Traveler…..Chevy Chase
Bellboy…..Richard Pryor

Announcer: Now, another edition of “Samurai Hotel”.

[ open on Samurai placing hotel visitors’ mail in various room slots, grunting as he pushes each piece in ]

[ Traveler enters ]

Traveler: Excuse me? Excuse me. I’d like a room for the night, please? [ Samurai grunts ] Actually, I’ll probably be staying through to Tuesday. [ Samurai withdraws sword, accidentally knicking his shoulder ] Do you have a king-size bed? One with a king-size bed. [ Samurai extends sword ] I guess, uh.. perhaps, get a room with, uh.. You know what I’d like? A room overlooking the park. Are the rates high for that? [ Samurai yells, motions sword ] Do you have room service? [ Samurai grunts ] Room service. [ Samurai extends sword ] Uh.. what’s your check-out time? [ Samurai makes series of motions with sword across the front desk, as Traveler fills out the log ] Could you get a bellboy to get my bags, please? Carry my bags up?

[ Bellboy approaches front desk, as he and Samurai yell at one another ]

Traveler: Fellas? Which one of you is gonna carry my bags upstairs?

[ Samurai and Bellboy both extend swords, then run toward one another several times, as Traveler waits. Demonstrating his prowess, Samurai uses sword to slice a hanging ornament down from the ceiling. ]

Samurai: Your momma-san!

Bellboy: [ angry ] My Momma-san?!! [ raises sword and slices front desk in half ]

Samurai: [ in the only English he’ll ever speak ] Well, I can dig where you’re comin’ from.. I’ll take these bags up to the room.. [ picks up Traveler’s bags and carries them upstairs ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Pong

…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken

[FADE IN on a blue “Pong” video screen. The player on the left is leading the one on the right, 5-0. The players are heard talking off camera.]

Tom Davis: Yeah, I heard you guys lost to the University of Toronto last night. What was it, 11 to 2?

Al Franken: Yeah, they had this one guy named Bouchard, who was just amazing. He looked like he played pro hockey or something. Boy, he had a great night.

Tom Davis: Sounds like, uh…

[The player on the right misses a shot, making the score 6-0.]

Tom Davis: Sounds like you had it pretty rough last night.

Al Franken: Well, yeah, but I, I scored a goal.

Tom Davis: YOU scored a GOAL? But you’re the goalie, right?

[The right-hand player misses again to make the score 7-0.]

Al Franken: Yeah, I’m the goalie. Yeah. What happened was, this Bouchard had an incredible slapshot, and he, uh, he hit one real hard, I didn’t see it, it hit me right in the cup, you know?

Tom Davis: Wow.

Al Franken: Yeah. Bounced to center ice, and all the way down to the other end, and it skipped past their goalie.

Tom Davis: No kidding!

[The player misses another shot; the score is now 8-0.]

Tom Davis: Boy, I wish I had seen that. Hey, your mouth looks pretty bad, does that still hurt? Franken: A little. Uh, they said the stitches will be out next week, but–

Tom Davis: How did that happen? I heard you got hit with a stick, or something?

Al Franken: Naw, you see this, uh… you know, we didn’t have a chance with this Bouchard guy dancing around, you know. So, uh, he came swooshing by my net after he scored his eighth goal, you know? So I just, uh, tapped him a little bit on the head with my stick…

Tom Davis: Right.

Al Franken: Boy, the next thing you know, this Bouchard guy’s got his gloves on the ice, and he’s punching me in the mouth as hard as he can–

[Again, the right-hand “Pong” player misses for a score of 9-0.]

Tom Davis: Wow!

Al Franken: And get this: the ref throws ME out of the game instead of Bouchard.

[The right-hand player misses an easy shot to make it a 10-0 game.]

Tom Davis: No kidding!

Al Franken: Yeah, he was making bad calls like that all night.

Tom Davis: Wow.

[The player on the right misses still another shot, effectively ending the game at 11-0. The ball and the “players” suddenly disappear.]

Al Franken: Hey, there’s something wrong with my side of the, uh, machine, here…

Tom Davis: Well, let’s play another game, and we’ll switch sides.

Al Franken: No, no, I gotta suit up for pwactice.

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Suicide Pill

General…..Dan Aykroyd
Major…..Richard Pryor

[FADE IN on a military general’s office. Dan Aykroyd, the general, is pushing pins into a map of Europe when a pair of boots is heard clomping into the room. Wearing a camouflage uniform, Richard Pryor walks in and stands at attention. He salutes Aykroyd smartly. Dan returns it.]

General: Evening, major. Team One is mighty glad you were selected for this mission.

Major: [softly] Thank you, sir.

General: You did a beautiful job of cleaning up Paraguay. Okay. While in the Ukraine, you’ll be using the following items:

[Dan picks up a device which looks like a grapnel hook attached to a toaster.]

General: This is a laser-guided electronic gaphook. This will help–this will help you get over the fuel dump selector fence perimeter. It’s a beautiful software item.

[picks up an object which looks somewhat like a dagger]

General: This is the digispan target fighter. Team Lab One’s newest piece of personnel elimination equipment. You’ll love it.

[points to items on desk]

General: And, uh, take that, and take that pill.

[Obediently, Pryor picks up the pill and swallows it. He chases it with a sip of water.]

General: Okay, now… the chopper will drop you here, in Quadrant B, and, uh…

[points to Pryor with pen]

General: That pill, by the way, is an L-Pill. Kills within 20 seconds of time of consumption. Poison lab came up with it. Take it if they try to capture you.

[Pryor stares at the map in disbelief while audience roars with laughter.]

General: [turns to map] Okay. This is what we’ll be doing. We’ll be dropping here in Sectors 5, 7, and 8…

[Pryor slumps slowly to the floor. Totally oblivious, Dan keeps talking and pointing to the map.]

General: Sectors 5, 7, and 8, we’ll be cross-breeding in here.

[Pryor lies motionless next to the desk.]

General: Major? You listening? This is a life-or-death matter here, now listen. What we’re going to do here… this is vital, Major, please pay attention.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts