[ FADE IN on Candice standing at home base as the audience applauds ]
Candice Bergen: Do you have a funny home movie that you think America would enjoy? If you do or want to make one, in Super 8 or 16mm, no longer than two minutes, NBC’s Saturday Night wants to see it. So send it to us. We’ll tell you how in a minute. Now, what do you get for sending us your home movies? Would you tell them what they get, Don Pardo?
Don Pardo (V/O): Candice, they get absolutely nothing. And in addition, the film will not be returned. Unless, of course, they send along a self-addressed stamped envelope.
Candice Bergen: Ah, tell them about guarantees, Don Pardo.
Don Pardo (V/O): Candice, people sending in home movies have no garuntees that NBC will use the film.
Candice Bergen: Well, if it is used, tell them what rights they have, Don Pardo.
Don Pardo (V/O): Candice, they have no rights whatsoever. But NBC will have unlimited rights to use the film in all media and in related publicity and promotion.
Candice Bergen: Isn’t this a wonderful offer? Send in your home movie comedies as fast as you can. Tell them where, Don Pardo.
[ DISSOLVE to the address written in white letters on a red background:
Home Movies NBC’s Saturday Night Box 304 Radio City Station New York, N.Y. 10019 ]
Don Pardo (V/O): Send your home movies, up to two minutes, Super 8 or 16mm, to “Home Movies, NBC’s Saturday Night, Box 304, Radio City Station, New York, New York, 10019”. Include your name and current address.
[ DISSOLVE back to Candice ]
Candice Bergen: And now, back to our home television show.
[ Chevy Chase enters from the right of the screen ]
Chevy Chase: Candy?
Candice Bergen: Yes, Chevy?
Chevy Chase: Perhaps we ought to show our home audience and studio audience just what we mean by “home movie”.
Candice Bergen: Okay.
Chevy Chase: Would you step this way?
Candice Bergen: (laughs)
Chevy Chase: We happen to have made a two-minute film ourselves, and uh…we thought we might show it to you now. It’s the Bee Capades, of course, on the Rockefeller skating rink.
Candice Bergen: Thank you very much. Um — I don’t have a snappy monologue tonight, I don’t have any sassy repartee, because, in fact, doing this show is my Christmas present to myself. I hosted it last month, and it was one of the nicest experiences I’ve ever had in my life. Uh — so I would like to thank our producer, Lorne Michaels for giving me such a swell Christmas — [ the audience erupts into applause ] and for creating a show that is so special, with such special people. Um — and speaking of special people, I can’t think of a better way to start the show than with Martha Reeves, not to mention Howard Shore and his Band of Angels.
Mel: YOU find! YOU stun! YOU cut! YOU broil! Steaks the way YOU’VE always wanted ’em! Custom cut to YOUR taste and size! We make it easy! You get prod, apron, board, and saw! You find, you stun, you cut! No mistakes! You do the cutting! No excess fat! The most satisfying charbroiler YOU’VE ever eaten! You cut! You broil! Mel’s Char Palace! Route 17 and 15, Paramus!
[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw and lets it rip ]
[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on older man, with SUPER: “Wood Carver For Edgar Bergen” ]
Mel: Pow! Bam! You cut your own steaks! You find your own cow! You stun it! You drag it! You cut it! Mel’s saws are light! This little lady is Mrs. Mel! She does it!
[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw and lets it rip ]
You cut your own steaks, roasts, and rumps! Any way you want ’em! ‘Cause you do the cutting — fast and easy! You cut! Your broil! Mel’s Char Palace! Route 15, Paramus!
[ dissolve to audience, zoom in on beared man with SUPER: “Chevy Chase’s Gay Lover” ]
Mel: Hi! I’m Mel, for Mel’s Char Palace! Where you find your own cow! You cut your own steaks! You select your cow from over 200 head! You stun it! You cut it! You charbroil it! You.. cut.. your own steaks! We give you the saw! You cut your own sirloins, tips, blades, and roasts! You find it! You stun it! You cut it! As big and as thick as you want it! Only at Mel’s Char Palace! Our saws are light! Here’s Mrs. Mel!
[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw ]
Show ’em how to work the saw!
[ Mrs. Mel lets the chainsaw rip ]
Yeah, she does it, you can, too, at Mel’s Char Palace, 217 Paramus!
[ open on Woman enter a laundromat looking for an available washer. She bumps into Man, also looking for a an available washer. They find themselves standing in front of the only available washer in the laundromat, and decide to share it instead of leaving one or the other waiting. ]
[ They deposit their dirty clothes one at a time. First, the Man tosses in a pair of socks, as the Woman drops in a pair of pantyhose. ]
[ Man deposits a shirt, as Woman deposits a blouse ]
[ Moving along, Man places a pair of pants into the washer, as Woman drops in a long skirt ]
[ Man then pulls out a sleeveless t-shirt, and drops it into the washer. Woman pulls out a bra, but is apprehensive about putting it into the washer. As a gesture of good faith, Man grabs a red rose from his laundry basket and offers it to the Woman. She takes it, smells it, then throws her bra into the washer ]
[ Man pulls out a pair of dirty underwear from his basket, then snaps it into the washer. Woman pulls out a pair of her panties, but is again apprehensive about including it in the shared washload. To talk her into her, Man pulls out a bottle of wine and two glasses from his laundry basket. They toast their glasses and drink some wine, then she finally tosses her panties into the washer. ]
[ Man deposits a quarter into the washer, as Woman closes the lid ]
[ Man pulls out two cigarettes, lights them, and offers the Woman one. She accepts it, as they sit down in front of the washer and kiss. ]
Announcer: The Muppets are Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Alice Tweedy, Fran Brill, Richard Hunt, and Jim Henson. This is Don Pardo, saying: “Oh…oh… oh!” Whoops! I’m holding the paper upside-down.
[ open on Candice Bergen flanking Gilda Radner near a Christmas tree ]
Candice Bergen: Since Christmas is a traditional time for overeating, we have none other than the Great Gilda here to tell you how not to do it.
[ Candice steps aside ]
Gilda Radner: Uh — last Christmas, I went to my cousin Lenora’s house for dinner, and I was real good: I just had a salad with no dressing, and I had three pieces of the white meat of turkey and I didn’t have any stuffing, except for this ltitle piece that got stuck on the meat and it wasn’t my fault.
And, uh, then I had one candied yam, but I scraped all the candy part off and I dipped it in a glass of water before I ate it.
And, uh, on the table there was this bowl of, uh, mixed nuts — the kind that you crack yourself. So I had one pecan, but by accident my tongue touched the part that wasn’t the nut part, and my muoth got real dry and I had to wash it down with some pumpkin pie. And then I had just a black cup of coffee, with, uh, two Sweet ‘N Lows in it.
And then, uh, on my way home, I had to go to the bathroom, so I stopped off at this lady’s room that just happened to be attached to a howard Johnson’s. And I went in and I order a Fishwich, but I took off the roll and I picked all the breading off the fish, and I just had the fish, and then I ate the breading, and then I picked off the sesame seeds off the roll, and then I ate the roll.
And when I got home, I couldn’t sleep, so, uh, I made myself a glass of warm milk, but I was still hungry so I poured some cereal in it —
Candice Bergen: [ interrupting ] Uh, Gilda? I think we have to get on with the rest of the show now.
Gilda Radner: Oh. I — I was making myself sick, actually. [ she laughs ]
Gerald Ford ….. Chevy Chase Frank ….. Garrett Morris Director ….. Joe Dicso
[ FADE IN on a shot of Gerald Ford sitting in a chair in a comfy room with a fireplace and a Christmas tree. SUPERIMPOSE caption: “Christmas Eve At The White House”. DISSOLVE closer to Ford, who clumsily puts a record in the record player on the table next to him ]
Gerald Ford: (singing along) Pin your Christmas bonnet / With the mushrooms upon it / La la la…
[ Frank, the butler, enters. He is dressed in a tuxedo and is carrying a drink on a coaster. He stumbles on one of the presents under the tree as he walks in ]
Frank: Here is your cognac, Mr. President.
[ Ford rises from his chair and puts his hand on Frank’s shoulder ]
Gerald Ford: Fred, you’ve been with me a long time now. I don’t think that on Christmas Eve you have to call me “Mr. President”.
Frank: Uh, Mr. President, my name is Frank.
Gerald Ford: Frank…
Frank: And what should I call you?
Gerald Ford: Well, how about “Dr. President”?
Frank: Okay. Dr. President, the First Lady says you should turn up the Christmas carols so that everyone can hear them.
Gerald Ford: No problem there.
[ Ford goes over to the record player and turns the volume all the way down ]
Gerald Ford: Would you ask Betty in here to help me trim the tree, please?
Frank: Uh, yes sir.
[ Ford takes the coaster from under his cognac and places it on the mantelpiece. Frank quickly drinks the cognac when Ford’s back is turned, then exits. Ford starts to literally trim the tree, using a barber’s comb and scissors, before Frank enters again ]
Frank: Uh, Mr. President, it is time for the Christmas Eve White House Fireside Chat with the nation.
Gerald Ford: Oh yes. Fine, thank you.
[ Ford puts down the scissors as Frank exits. The director enters as Ford takes a set in his chair ]
Director: Ten seconds, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: All right.
Director: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[ Ford has already started talking since the beginning of the countdown ]
Gerald Ford: …Merry Christmas to all of you and good evening.
Announcer (V/O): Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
Gerald Ford: …join me for this Christmas Eve. Perhaps sit with me by the fireside and spend this time together as I put up and Jack and Susan’s stockings, and put the final ornament on the tree.
[ Ford gets up to the fireplace, where there are two Christmas stockings ]
Gerald Ford: This will be a Merry Christmas for the entire nation, I hope.
[ Ford hangs up the stockings upside-down, spilling the gifts inside ]
Gerald Ford: Peace and goodwill…
[ Ford picks up a handful of presents and tries to put them back in the stockings, but they fall to the floor again ]
Gerald Ford: …toward all men.
[ Ford walks over to a ladder perched next to the Christmas tree ]
Gerald Ford: Put the final Christmas tree ornament on the tree.
[ Ford climbs the ladder and stuggles to put the final ornament on top of the tree and starts tipping ]
Gerald Ford: No problem…
[ Ford falls completely off the ladder on top of the Christmas tree, landing head first on the floor. He looks into the camera and smiles ]
Gerald Ford: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Teddy … Chevy Chase Linda … Candice Bergen Mom … Jane Curtin Dad … Dan Aykroyd
[In a modest living room, Teddy, a grown man in agreen elf costume, crouches atop a coffee table,playing with his brown, peaked elf cap.]
Teddy: [sings] Up on the housetop, click, click, click Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know? Oh …
[puts his hat on, speaks]
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, Now, dance away, dance away, dance away all!
[Teddy jumps from table to sofa to a curtained windowthrough which he peers while singing.]
Teddy: [sings] Up on the housetop, click, click, click Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick
[Teddy’s sister, Linda, bursts in carryinggift-wrapped boxes.]
Linda: Merry Christmas!
Teddy: Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t–! Sis? [surprised,he shields himself partially with a window curtain]
Linda: [shocked] Oh, my God!
Teddy: Don’t – don’t – don’t look, Sis. Be a lot lesspainful for ya if you just, uh, try not to look.
Linda: [refusing to look at him] My own brother. Amight have expected this of anyone but my own brother![drops gifts on a chair]
Teddy: [crosses to her] It’s been my secret so long,Linda. Guess I’m almost glad you found out. [puts ahand on her shoulder – she shrugs it off – he moves tothe sofa and crouches upon it] It’s like some reliefafter all these years … for somebody to finallyrealize and know that I’m – I’m a …
Linda: [upset] Latent elf?! Is that what you’re trying to say?!
Teddy: Yes, I’m an elf! I’m an elf and I’m proud of it! Now, maybe you’ll understand what I was doing with all those eight by tens of Santa’s helpers over my bed.
Linda: [despairingly] How did it start, Teddy? How didit happen? You were always a red-blooded American boygoing off to football practice!
Teddy: Only I wouldn’t go off to football practice![quietly] I’d go off to some leafy glade and makemerry. … I don’t want to talk about it.
Linda: All right. [joins him on sofa] So this is whyyou never got married.
Teddy: Oh, I could have gotten married. Lots of us getmarried, lead perfectly normal lives, have children.[sits on the back of the sofa, puts a leg up on thesofa’s arm, exposing his leotard-clad crotch]
Linda: Would you mind being a little more discreet? Ican see your bells.
Teddy: [puts his leg down] You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?
Linda: No, not disgusting. Just sort of … impish and … spry.
Teddy: [amused, grows thoughtful] Spry. Seen that word so many times in dictionaries, I’ve heard it over the years. I’ve– Somehow never dreamed it would apply to me.
Linda: I never did either, Teddy. I mean, we grew up together, both of us, referring to the Seven Dwarfs as “they” — and now this!
Teddy: You know, I guess, in a way, I’m – I’m surprised you didn’t guess earlier. Many’s the time I could have sworn you might have caught the twinkle in my eye, I–
Linda: Well, even if I did, lots of people have twinkles in their eye. Dick Cavett, I don’t know. [sees Teddy nod with amusement – sudden realization] You don’t mean–?
Teddy: Most talk show hosts are. You know, [hops up – walks around to the rear of the sofa] you’ll probably handle this a lot better once you realize that frolicking is, uh, perfectly normal.
Linda: [unconvinced] Sure.
Teddy: I mean, you like to dance. [hops up on back of sofa] I like to prance. [nearly loses his balance and his peaked cap] I like to lose my hat. [puts cap back on, with a grin] I like to put it back on my head.Does that make me any different than you?
Linda: I suppose not.
Teddy: There you are. You think of the Elves and the Shoemaker as some kind of a cute story. I think of it as … a grand design for life. [crouches next to Linda on sofa] So?
Linda: So what? [genuinely] I’m sorry, Teddy. It’s just taking me a while to get used to it, that’s all, but I’ll – I’ll learn to accept it.
Teddy: Aw, Sis.
Linda: Teddy.
Teddy: You’re the greatest.
[Teddy gives Linda a kiss. A knock at the door.]
Linda: Oh, my God! It’s Mom and Dad! I told them tomeet me here for the club Christmas party and now–!
Teddy: Hey, if they have to handle it, they’ll handle it.
Linda: Boy, I hope so.
[Linda rises and goes to open the door. Teddy crouches on an end table next to the sofa. The parents, conservatively-dressed, enter. Mom wears a stylish print dress and Dad, carrying Christmas gifts, wearsdark suit, tie and hat.]
Linda: Mom, Dad, uh, before you come in, I think there’s one thing you should know.
[Mom and Dad see Teddy crouched on the end table. Mom glares icily as Dad sets his gifts on top of Linda’s on a nearby chair. Teddy looks at Mom expectantly.]
Mom: [coldly] So you’re one of them.
[Teddy lowers his head.]
Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders] Mom, listen–
Mom: It’s all right, Linda. Your father’s been one for years.
Linda: Dad?!
[Mom abruptly breaks away from Linda and pulls off Dad’s hat, revealing a green peaked elf cap.]
Mom: It’s something I’ve learned to live with. All those lonely Christmas Eves after you kids went to bed, wondering whose tree he was trimming, whose stocking he was sticking a lump of coal into.
Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders again] Come on, Mom. I think we’d better talk.
[Mom nods and the two women exit, leaving the men to confront one another. Dad stares at Teddy for a long moment, exhales, and finally speaks:]
Dad: Son, I – I don’t know what to say.
Teddy: [arms spread wide] Dad! It’s all right!
[Relieved, Dad frolics forward and hops up onto the sofa in an elfin crouch. Teddy hops off the end table and joins him. They are nose-to-nose, grinning like … elves.]
Dad: [points a thumb upwards and sings] Up on the rooftop, quick, quick, quick!
Teddy: [grinning, quietly] Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!
[Dad hops off the sofa and does a goofy elfin frolic. Teddy joins him a moment later and arm-in-arm, they dance and sing.]
Both: [singing and prancing in a circle] Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?
[Dissolve to a wide view of the set, including cameras, microphones, monitors and the applauding audience. A superimposed text reads: SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD, THIS IS THE FAMILY HOUR. The two elves finishtheir dance and scamper in opposite directions off the set.]
