Andy Samberg: [ singing ] I was walkin through the city streets and a man walks up to me and hands me the latest energy drink Run faster. Jump Higher. Man, I’m not gonna let you poison me.
I threw it on the ground! You must think I’m a joke! I aint gonna be part of this system! Man, pump that garbage in another mans veins!
I go to my favorite hot dog stand and the dude says, you come here all the time! Heres one for free. I said, Man, what I look like, a charity case?
I took it, and threw it on the ground! I dont need your handouts! I’m an adult! Please, you cant buy me hot dog man!
At the farmers market with my so-called girlfriend She hands me her cellphone, says it’s my dad. Man, this aint my dad. This is a cellphone!
I threw it on the ground! What you think I’m stupid? Im not a part of this system! My dad’s not a phone! Duh!
Some poser hands me a cake at a birthday party What you want me to do with this, eat it? Happy birthday to the ground! I threw the rest of the cake too! Welcome to the real world, jackass!
So many things to throw on the ground Like this, and this, and that. And even this. I’m an adult!
Two Hollywood phonys trying to give me their autograph. Ground! Nobody wants your autograph! Phonys!
Then the two phonys got up. Turns out they had a taser. And they tased me in the butt hole. I fell to the ground. The phonys didnt let up. Tasing on my butt hole, over and over. I was screaming and squirming My butt hole was on fire!
The moral of this story is: you cant trust the system!
Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated behgind desk in Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening, and congratulations to Rio for getting the 2016 Olympics! And to the Olympic Committee I say, good luck with Rio! [ he smiles, then frowns sourly ]
Now, last year I was elected with a mandate to bring this country change we could believe in. And, as time has passed, it has become clear that this promise is troubling to some people. There are those on the Right who are angry. They think that I’m turning this great country into something that resembles the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany, but that’s just not the case. Because when you look at my record, it’s very clear what I’ve done so far, and that is: [ dramatic pause ] Nothing. Nada. Almost one year, and nothing to show for it.
You don’t believe me? You think I’m making it up? Take a look at this checklist.
[ split-screen, with checklist to Obama’s left ]
Now, on my first day in office — on my first day in office, I said I’d close Guantanamo Bay. Is it closed yet? No.
I said we’d be out of Iraq. Are we? Not the last time I checked.
I said I’d make improvements in the war in Afghanistan. Is it better? No, I think it’s actually worse.
How about health care reform? Hell no.
I even went personally to try and bring the Olympics to Chicago in 2016. It didn’t work out. But, in this case, there’s some good news with the bad: For every person who buys an American car in the next six months, you’re gonna get one of these.
[ he holds up an orange “Chicago 2016” t-shirt ]
Now, I just don’t see why the Right is so riled up. I mean, how do you think the Left feels? They’re the ones that should be mad. Now, I’m sure they thought I would have addressed at least one of the following things by now:
Global Warming: No.
Immigration Reform: No.
Gays in the Military: Nuh-uh.
Limits on Executive Powers: Nope.
Torture Prosecutions: No.
So, looking at this list, I’m seeing two big accomplishments: Jack and Squat. And, remember: I can do whatever I want. I have a majority in both houses of Congress. I could make it mandatory for all gays to marry, and require all cars to run on marijuana. But do I? No!
But it’s not all bad news. I have a few accomplishments. The Cash for Clunkers program really stimulated the economy. Unfortunately, it was the economy of Japan.
Let’s see, what else… uh — also, I killed a fly on TV. Remember that? Uh — I brought a white police officer and a black professor together for a beer. Who else could do that? You’re right — Oprah. But no one else!
So, please, stop saying this country is on the road to socialism. If that were actually the case, I’d be making some real changes. Instead, it took me four months to pick out a dog.
So, all of you frothing Glenn Beck supporters, put away those tri-cornered hats and those photoshopped pictures of me as The Joker; because if I see anymore of this hateful rhetoric, I’m gonna have to take drastic action. [ he pauses dramatically, then smiles and leans back in his chair ] Nah, not really.
Thank you, and: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Lady Gaga: [ singing ] We are the crowd, we’re c-comin’ out Got my flash on, it’s true Need that picture of you It’s so magical, we’d be so fantastical
Leather and jeans, garage glamorous Not sure what it means But this photo of us it don’t have a price Ready for those flashing light ‘Cause you know that baby, I
I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me Papa, paparazzi Baby, there’s no other superstar, you know that I’ll be Your papa, paparazzi
Promise I’ll be kind But I won’t stop until that boy is mine Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me Papa, paparazzi
I’ll be your girl backstage at your show Velvet ropes and guitars Yeah, cause you’re my rock star in between the sets Eyeliner and cigarettes
Shadow is burnt, yellow dance and we turn My lashes are dry, purple teardrops I cry It don’t have a price, loving you is cherry pie Cause you know that baby, I
I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me Papa, paparazzi Baby, there’s no other superstar, you know that I’ll be Your papa, paparazzi
Promise I’ll be kind But I won’t stop until that boy is mine Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me Papa, paparazzi
Real good, we dance in the studio Snap, snap to that shit on the radio Don’t stop for anyone We’re plastic but we still have fun
I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me Papa, paparazzi Baby, there’s no other superstar, you know that I’ll be Your papa, paparazzi
Promise I’ll be kind But I won’t stop until that boy is mine Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me Papa, paparazzi.”
Ryan Reynolds: Wow! Thank you! Thank you very much! Oh, my God… I am hosting “SNL”. Wow! [ the audience cheers ] All right! It was a crazy, busy summer for me. I was very, very lucky. I was lucky enough to be in two different movies: “Wolverine” and “The Proposal”. One of these — [ light applause from a few members of the audience ] Thank you very much. [ he continues ] One of these is a superhero movie, and the other is a romantic comedy about Wolverine. Now, the transition from a romantic comedy to a superhero movie is a very, very delicate thing. They have similar elements, but with very different styles.
In both, the main character has a complicated past. In a superhero movie, he’s a scientifically-engineered killing machine from a distant planet. In the romantic comedy, he’s from Cleveland.
They both have villains. In a superhero movie, it’s an evil genius with mutant powers or a freak deformity. In a romantic comedy, it’s Jeremy Piven.
What else? Uh — in a romantic comedy, there’s always a guy who dresses flamboyantly; it’s the gay best friend. In a superhero movie, that will be me.
And it’s amazing, because sometimes the dialogue is virtually identical in both. There’s a subtle difference in tone. Like, if you take the line: “Stay with me.” All right? In one movie, it’s: [ whispery ] “Stay with me.” And, in the other, it’s: [ with teeth clenched ] “STAY WITH ME!!” Now, you don’t want to mix those up, or you will scare the CRAP out of Sandra Bullock.
And, in both movies, there’s a climactic moment in the porung rain, when the hero realizes just exactly what he has to do. Here’s the superhero version:
[ the stage darkens, as a generic guitar riff plays and a silhoette of pouring rain falls upon Reynolds’ face. He grins knowingly and holds up his fist. ]
And… here is the romantic comedy version:
[ same stage lighting and effects as before, but this time Sophie B. Hawkins’ “Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover” plays in the background ]
Now — were you able to spot the difference? It was the music.
Of course, right now I’m focused on being a superhero because I’m about to start working on the new “Green Lantern” movie, which I’m really excited for. And I think it’s going to be a huge hit because, if there’s one thing that kids love, it’s lanterns. [ the audience laughs ] We, uh — [ he points into the audience ] That guy knows what I’m talking about! We start filming really soon, so look for that in spring 2053.
We got a GREAT show! Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Announcer…..Bill Hader Detective Joe Smith…..Fred Armisen Detective John…..Andy Samberg Bad Guy…..Ryan Reynolds Nina Midbow…..Kristen Wiig
[Classical Music starts to play]
[Logo of PBS appears]
[Logo of the show International Masterworks appear]
Announcer: Hello! Welcome to International Masterworks. Tonight we are proud to present an extraordinary find. An original work from the Norwegian actors playhouse. All though this small company is based in Norway they chose to replicate the style of an American police drama. The actors have spent months perfecting their American accents and the results… are outstanding. You would never guess the actors speaker their second language. We begin in the gritty world of New York see where two officers are interrogating a criminal
[Camera cuts to an interrogation room with 2 police offices and a criminal.]
[Detective Joe Smith tries to talk English but he has a very thick accent. You can tell that Detective Joe Smith is not American]
Detective Joe Smith: So… you better tell us mister. Did you do a crime by making graffiti? We found a spray paint in the ban.
Bad Guy: Of Course I did not.
Detective Joe Smith: Dont make me cross. I havent drank my coffee from the donut store yet.
Bad Guy: Well i supposed you better keep drink because i have not made any wrongs doing at all. Copper.
Detective Joe Smith: Its Detective Joe Smith. Memorise this name. Im starting to become very cross with you.
Detective John: Joe do you want me to strike him with a knuckle sandwich?
[Detective John has the same accent as Detective Joe Smith]
Detective Joe Smith: No John! Ill just read this news paper of the daily news and wait. Give me my Marlboro cigarettes will you?
[Detective John hands Detective Joe Smith a cigarette]
[Bad guy leans over the table]
Bad Guy: I didnt make a graffiti.
[Camera cuts to the Announcer. Classical music starts to play]
Announcer: Youll notice that the writers have painstakingly recreated American dialogue styles. In this next, scene the very famous Nina Midbow portrays the young outlaws broken hearted mother.
[Camera cut to the interrogation room with Detective Joe Smith and Detective John standing at one end of the table and Nina Midbow with her outlaw son at the other end]
[Nina Midbow is wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates hoody. She also has a very thick accent as do all the others.]
Nina Midbow: My son is innocent of this. Cant you give us a break man? Well just go back to our Ghetto and listen to the local DJ radio play PLEASE!
[Nina Midbow leans over to her son and gives him a hug.]
Detective Joe Smith: You think that i dont know what its like? I grew up in the streets of Time Square… Man. We all had to mug each other. Everywhere we looked was pollution but I became a tough cop with a cigarette.
Detective John: And I became his partner in this. YEAH!
Detective Joe Smith: I dont have a choice you guy. Im gonna throw you in with all the other robbers.
Bad Guy: I want to speak with the baresters
[Camera cuts to the Announcer]
Announcer: Oh to image that these actors are from Oslo and never once been to America. This final scene particularly showcases their grasp of American culture.
[Camera cuts to the two detectives and the Mother with her son in the interrogation room.]
Detective Joe Smith: You better speak!
[Detective Joe Smith with a mean expression grabs the arm of the Bad Guy very lightly]
[The Bad Guy turns his face away from Detective Joe Smith]
Bad Guy: Dont strike me.
Nina Midbow: LET MY SON BE!
Detective John: WAIT!
[Detective John grabs a portable stereo from the a chair and places it on the table]
Detective John: Its time for the baseball match to start. My favourite team is playing the world series.
[Detective John presses a button on the portable stereo.]
Radio Announcer: The baseball has been thrown. The batter his the ball… and the players hits a home run!
[Everyone in the room is excited with the home run]
Radio Announcer: We wait for the score and… the Pittsburgh Pirates are at number one.
[Everyone is very excited at the announcement. Nina Midbow is pointing at he hoody which reads Pirates. The two detective clap with joy.]
Detective Joe Smith: Oh that is great man. Lets all go to Jims bar and have a beer.
[Bad Guy stands up from his chair]
Bad Guy: Oh slap me five.
Detective Joe Smith: Slap everything five.
[Detective grabs the Bad Guys hand and leans over to shake Ninas hand. Now everyone is trying to shake everyones hand at the same time. There hands are not connecting with anyone else.]
[Camera cuts back to the Announcer]
Announcer: Thank You for watching International Masterworks joins us next week when the Mexican ballet performs Kabuki Theater. Goodnight
[Classical Music starts to play]
[PBS logo appears on screen with a black background]
[ open on footage of Spokesman enojying quality time spent with his dog ]
Spokesman V/O: You love your dog. And you cherish every moment you spend together — every fetch, every walk, every snuggle.
[ cut to Spokesman shopping for dog food ]
Spokesman V/O: But, hey — you’ve got bills to pay! That’s why, when you’re in the pet food aisle, you reach for Mostly Garbage brand dog food. Because your dog isn’t a person; he’s an animal.
[ cut to Spokesman in the kitchen with his dog ]
Spokesman: And in these tough economic times, you’ve gotta keep your priorities straight.
[ Spokesman pours the garbage-cluttered dog food into his dog’s bowl ]
Spokesman V/O: Mostly Garbage is cheaper than other dog foods. [ Spokesman turns his nose at the smell ] So you can save your money for human things, like heat for your house, or food for your children.
[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: So, what does Mostly Garbage taste like? I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. It’s dog food.
[ cut to close-up of Spokesman pouring the dog food into a bowl, as scraps, pieces of plastic wrap, and a banana peel spill out ]
Spokesman V/O: So, how healthy is Mostly Garbage? Well, it’s fortified with 8 essential vitamins, including Riboflavin. But, you know, there’s also a lot of garbage in there. Long story short: It’s healthy enough for a dog.
[ cut to the dog eating from the bowl of garbage ]
Spokesman V/O: You know, I’ve seen this little guy eat pure garbage?
[ cut to Spokesman addressing the camera ]
Spokesman: Heck! This morning, he ate CAT POOP! Right out of the litter box! I was like, “Should I stop this?” But, you know, he seemed to be having a fun time!
So why don’t you choose Mostly Garbage? Because he’s a dog…
Mike…..Fred Armisen Lexie…..Scarlett Johanson Nick…..Ryan Reynolds Man 1…..Jason Sudeikis Woman 1…..Nasim Pedrad Man 2…..Kenan Thompson
[Scene opens to 6 Porcelain Fountains running water. Classical music is playing]
[Mike walks to center stage]
Mike: (with a New Jersey accent) PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. Nothing says Im a Millionaire like PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
[Mike puts a lot of emphasise when saying Porcelain Fountains. He also points to the porcelain fountains in the background.]
Mike: You put a porcelain fountain in ya house people are gonna say What is this, a mansion? Im telling ya! Ya gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
[Scene cuts to a house with a bare lawn.]
Mike (V/O): Putem on your front lawn.
[7 different type of porcelain fountains appear on the front lawn.]
Mike (V/O): I wonder where dat guy keeps his jumbo jet.
[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]
Mike: You like sitting in the living room?
[Scene cuts to Man 1 and Women 1 sitting on a couch in a living room watching tv.]
Mike (V/O): How about sitting in a living room with….. PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
[2 different types of porcelain fountains appear in the living room. The couple are excited with the fountains they nod in agreement]
[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage.]
Mike: You might as well start listening to Opera in there.
[Scene cuts to Man 2 fluffing his pillow in his bed.]
Mike (V/O): Are you getting ready for bed?
[A porcelain fountain appears beside the bed. Man 2 is surprised that a fountain appeared from nowhere. He nods in agreement]
Mike (V/O): Try sleeping with a PORCELAIN FOUNTAIN in your bed room.
[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]
Mike: Guess who will be dreaming about caviar! You gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. You want more proof? Just listen to my beautiful daughter Lexie.
[Mike walks off stage never taking his eyes off the camera. Lexie walks towards center stage wearing an 80s type fluffy shoulder dress.]
[Lexie also has a New Jersey accent.]
Lexie: What are ya kidding me? How can you not have porcelain fountains all over your house?
[4 picture of porcelain fountains appear on the screen around Lexie.]
Lexie: Look at this one. Look at dat one. People are going to see these things and go That guy gots more money than a Sheik from Saudi Arabia.
[The 4 pictures keep changing into different types of porcelain fountains.]
Lexie: You can even stroke your hands in the water like your some kind of Millionaire. Youll think Wow this is high end living. Thats what your gonna think when you pick this one or dat one. This one or dat one.
[Lexi strikes a sexy pose and stairs at the camera. The pictures disappear off screen. Mike comes back to the center of the stage with an occurred smile and pushed Lexie to get off stage. Lexie leaves the stage]
Mike: Now i got my son in law Nick doing all the installations. You dont have to lift a finger.
[Nick walks towards the center stage beside Mike. Nick is very uncomfortable talking in front of the camera. Nick also has a New Jersey accent]
Nick: If you order one of these things you got nothing to worry about. I come to you.(Nick point towards the camera). I load up the van with the pipes and the fountains and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). If you experience any problems with piping or spillage just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). Dont like where we installed your fountain just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). I come to you (Nick point towards the camera).
[Nick takes a big deep breath in fear while he looks at Mike]
Mike: Ya gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS at Mikes Fountainry on Central Avenue.
[Scene cuts to the exterior of a large store with Mikes Fountainry sign]
Voice Over signers: Whats the news. 2941 Central Avenue in Embrume.
Mike, Lexie, Nick: You gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
Nick: I come to… (Nick point towards the camera Mike forces Nick to lower his hand.)
[Mike, Lexie, Nick strikes a pose and screen fades to black.]
Richard Dawson…..Jason Sudeikis Donny Osmond…..Ryan Reynolds Marie Osmond…..Abby Elliott Wayne Osmond…..Bobby Moynihan Alan Osmond…..Fred Armisen John Phillips…..Bill Hader MacKenzie Phillps……Kristen Wiig Genevieve Phillips…..Nasim Pedrad Jeff Sessler…..Andy Samberg
[ open on dancing GSN logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching the Game Show Nwtwork. Probably because you’re home sick. And now, one from the archives — from 1981, it’s “Celebrity Family Feud”.
[ dissolve to game show set, each family posed behind their podiums ]
Announcer: It’s time for… “Celebrity Family Feud”! Introducing the Osmond Family: Donnie Osmond! Marie Osmond! Wayne Osmond! And the other one!
And today, they’ll be playing against… The Phillips Family! John Phillips! MacKenzie Phillips! John’s wife, Genevieve! And MacKenzie’s husband, Jeff!
And here’s your host… Richard Dawson!
[ Richard Dawson swaggers from a corner of the set like he just stepped out of the limo, and blows kisses to both families ]
Richard Dawson: [ semi-slurring ] Hello, welcome to “Celebrity Family eud”. Don’t adjust your TV sets — you’re seeing stars!
[ the two celebrity familes laugh politely ]
Richard Dawson: First up to the podium: Donny and John. Let’s play the Feud, guys! [ Donny and John rush to the podium and shake hands ] Welcome, gentlemen! Welcome to the show! Donny, you’ve been a star for so long, since you were a little tyke. How do you stay so grounded?
Donny Osmond: Aw, geez — I guess, just spending time with my family.
Richard Dawson: Mmm-hmm. That’s real nice. John Phillips, same question.
John Phillips: Same answer: time with family. [ he turns to glance at MacKenzie ]
Richard Dawson: That’s delightful! That’s delightful! Let’s play the Feud! 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. The question: Things you keep for a long time? [ John buzzes in ] John!
John Phillips: Secrets!
Richard Dawson: Alright! Show me… Secrets!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Sorry about that, Johnny. Donny, what do you say? Something you keep… for a long time.
Donny Osmond: Something my goofball little sister will never see… [ he turns to stare at Marie ] A wedding dress!
[ they laugh at each other ]
Richard Dawson: All right. A wedding dress!
[ Ding! Number One answer! ]
Richard Dawson: There you go! Nice one! Let’s go meet the Osmonds! [ he approaches the Osmonds’ podium ] All right! Marie, Marie… what’s new, my lovely? [ he kisses her ] How are ya’? How ya’ doing? You seem to be riding high.
Marie Osmond: We are, Richard! But you folks out there should know we’re riding high… on life!
Richard Dawson: [ clearly not interested ] Hmm… That’s fine.
John Phillips: [ interrupting ] Hey, Richard. I want to point out that we’re also high on life. Except, also, downers. And, also, wine! And, also, not life! [ he laughs, as MacKenzie gives a nervous smile ]
Richard Dawson: Quality jump-in from John Phillips. [ he glances at his card ] Marie… Things you keep for a long time.
Marie Osmond: Hmmm… growing up with this big baby… [ she acknowledges Donny ] I KNOW! BABY SHOES!!
[ The Osmonds applaud her answer ]
Richard Dawson: Show me Baby Shoes!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Awww! Sorry about that, Marie, sorry about that. Alright! Wayne Osmond! You’re up!
Wayne Osmond: POT HOLDERS!!
[ The Osmonds applaud his answer, as Dawson looks at Wayne like he’s an inbred idiot ]
Richard Dawson: It’s a BAD answer, kiddo! Bad answer! Show me Pot Holders!
[ “X X” ]
Richard Dawson: Not a surprise. Alright. [ he turns to Alan Osmond ] You!
[ Alan smiles stupidly, as “X X X” flashes without bothering to give him a chance ]
Richard Dawson: Okay! It’s all good! We’ll go over to the Phillips’ side! [ he steps over ] Hey there, MacKenzie, my dear. How ya’ doing? [ he leans over to kiss her ]
John Phillips: [ defensively ] He-e-e-eyy, careful now!
Richard Dawson: [ chuckling ] Uh-oh, watch out! A protective father!
John Phillips: [ nervously ] Yeahhh, something like that.
Richard Dawson: MacKenzie… A thing you keep for a long time.
MacKenzie Phillips: Diaries!
[ the other Phillips clap and yell “Good answer!” ]
John Phillips: Bad answer!
Richard Dawson: Alright. Okay. Show me… Diaries!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Oh! That’s heartbreaking. That’s too bad. [ prematurely ending the round ] Now, let’s take a moment to meet the Phillips Family. John, I don’t have to ask you what your favorite day is — probably “Monday, Monday”, right?
John Phillips: [ laughs nervously ] That’s very good.
Richard Dawson: Alright. Thank you. And, MacKenzie, I guess you just like to take it “One Day at a Time”.
MacKenzie Phillips: [ chuckles nervously ] All the days kind of blend together, Richard.
Richard Dawson: [ laughs uproariously ] Like a FOG!! [ no reaction ] Alright… Marie, MacKenzie! Let’s get up here and play the Feud, shall we? [ Marie and MacKenzie rush to the podium and shake hands ] Alright! 100 people surveyed, five most popular answers on the board. Here’s the question: Things you do with your father.
[ cut to nervous reaction from John Phillips ]
[ meanwhile, both Marie and MacKenzie are hesitant to give an answer ]
Richard Dawson: Come on, ladies. Something you do with your dad. First thing that comes to your mind.
Marie Osmond: [ buzzes in ] Beg him to put your bozo brother up for adoption!!
Donny Osmond: Hey! You’re the bozo, so cram it, clown.
Richard Dawson: Wow… that’s your answer? [ he shakes his head ] No way in Hell it’s up there. Let’s try it. Show me “X”!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Yeah, there ya’ go! Big shock! Okay, great, that’s not there. Let’s see what we’ve got… Let’s go to the Phillips Family! Here we go! Moving over, moving over… Alright. Okay, Phillips’, here we go. Things you do with your father. Let’s start with… MacKenzie.
MacKenzie Phillips: [ hesitant ] Can I get back to you in thirty years?
Richard Dawson: Mmm. No dear, we need an answer now.
MacKenzie Phillips: In that case, I’m gonna say… Sports!
[ the family chants “Good answer!” ]
Richard Dawson: Alright. Show me… Sports!!
[ Ding! Number One answer! ]
Richard Dawson: Number One answer! Number One answer.
Jeff Sessler: Yeah! MacKenzie and her dad are always going off to play sports, and I’m like, “Can I come?” And they’re like, “No! We like to do sports, just the two of us, and also at a hotel!” [ he smiles stupidly ]
[ Richard Dawson stares blankly at John ]
[ the Osmonds stare across the set in horror ]
[ the realization finally hits Richard Dawson ]
Richard Dawson: Ohhhhh! Oh, I got it. Okay, this episode’s over! [ to the camera ] Join us next week on the Feud!
[ both families crowd the center of the stage and dance to the closing music ]
Announcer: [ with graphic ] Stay tuned for “Celebrity Press Your Luck”, with guest Roman Polanski.
LADY GAGA, wearing an extravagant outfit of clear balloons, reads a copyof Rolling Stone with her on the cover, leaning against a desk. A STUDIOPAGE is seated right behind her.
Lady Gaga: Cute.
ANDY SAMBERG, strolls in, wearing a similar outfit made of balloons. Heapproaches the page.
Andy Samberg: Hey Fred, did that fruit come in?
Page: Yeah, Ill go get it.
The page departs. Andy exhales as he saunters over to Gaga. He scans her outfit.
Andy Samberg: Oh no.
Both view their outfits.
Lady Gaga: No way.
Andy Samberg: This is weird.
Lady Gaga: I cant believe it! I spent $20,000 on this dress.
Andy Samberg: Yeah! And I made this out of garbage.
Both nervously laugh
Both: FASHION!
Andy Samberg: Well, I guess Ill go change.
Lady Gaga: No, wait. Andy, I think it looks really great good on you.
Andy Samberg: Really?
Lady Gaga: Really.
Andy Samberg: I guess great minds do think alike.
Both turn and face the ground. ROMANTIC MUSIC cues in. A lighted backdropof red stars forms behind both of them.
Lady Gaga: Kiss me, Andy.
Both plunge towards one another to lock lips. The outer mass of theballoons prevents them from kissing. Both struggle to meet at the lips.Both pull back.
Andy Samberg: We cant do this.
Lady Gaga: Why? Are you married?
Andy Samberg: No. I mean I cant do this. I physically cant reach you.
Lady Gaga: Prove it.
Both launch onto each other, still unable able to kiss. They struggle fora moment or two, and then pull back.
Andy Samberg: Damn it, Gaga! Just marry me.
Lady Gaga: Fine. Under one condition
Andy Samberg: Anything.
Lady Gaga: I want a divorce.
Andy Samberg: You cagey son-of-a-bitch!
Gaga gasps and slaps Andy. Both try to make out, but fail.
The CAMERA PANS over to KRISTEN WIIG and LORNE MICHAELS watching the events unfold.
Kristen Wiig: I guess I got to find something else to wear to the party.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah me too.
Kristen and Lorne glance onto Lornes necktie. Its covered in miniatureclear balloons.
