Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18


]]>

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
John Malkovich…..Bill Hader
…..Tracy Morgan
Barbie…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: “Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers”.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[ image: Bernie Madoff ] On Thursday, someone was finally turned down for a bailout.

In a speech, Tuesday, President Obama outlined new education goals that propose longer school days and longer school years. “That’s a brilliant idea!” said Catherine, the 5th grader nobody likes.

President Barack Obama said on Monday that human cloning is dangerous, profoundly wrong, and has no place in society. An opinion he formed after coming home to find Obama 2.0 in bed with Michelle.

This week, Wall Street and the entire financial world were stunned and frightened by the sudden appearance of this mysterious symbol: [ an arrow pointing up ]

Seth Meyers: The list of clients swindled by Bernie Madoff included a number of celebrities, such as Kevin Bacon and Steven Spielberg. Here to give his views on Madoff’s plea, is one of those clients — actor John Malkovich.

John Malkovich: Hello, Seth. I want to thank you for having me here.

Seth Meyers: Now, Mr. Malkovich, uh, you must have been upset when you heard your money had been stolen by Mr. Madoff.

John Malkovich: [ in a calm monotone ] I was, at first… [ he sighs heavily ] perturbed. But I then realized that Bernard would be dealt with properly by the authorities.

Seth Meyers: Well… that’s a pretty calm reaction for you…

John Malkovich: For what?

Seth Meyers: Well… you know, for someone who — in many of your movies, you will —

John Malkovich: What? Speak quietly, and then suddenly begin screaming? [ he clenches his teeth ]

Seth Meyers: Yes.

John Malkovich: Well… that’s in my movies, Seth. I am perfectly capable of controlling myself.

Seth Meyers: Of course. But, surely, you mut have been upset by the news that Mrs. Madoff may be able to keep some property she purchased with stolen money.

John Malkovich: [ holding back his fumes ] Well… I was not aware of that. That is rather upsetting, given all the victims yet to be COM-PEN-SATE-ED! But that is no reason to begin suddenly screaming.

Seth Meyers: No? [ with sly intent ] What about the fact that he stole from a charity run by Elie Wiesel?

John Malkovich: Okay… I can tell you what’s about to happen to me: I’m about to start screaming! Because I held it in about the first thing, it’s going to be a BIG one! A long, intense, strangely articulate screaming ja-a-ag! [ hee contains it ] Okay, no — that passed. [ he smiles ] You see? Calmer tempers can prevail.

Seth Meyers: Well, that is a very reasonable way to think about this.

John Malkovich: Thank you, my good friend.

Seth Meyers: Especially after the news that Madoff’s lawyers were asking for him to remain free until the sentencing in June.

John Malkovich: For real?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

John Malkovich: [ outraged ] Bernie Madoff, I summon the god of old to shower you WITH DEATH!!! You will not be able to flee the wrath of the beast because the streets will be FLOODED WITH YOUR BLOOD!!! GOOD DAY, SIRRRR!!!!

Seth Meyers: [ excited ] YES!! Do you feel better?

John Malkovich: Yes! Quite!

Seth Meyers: John Malkovich, everybody!

Lawmakers in New Jersey are proposing a ban on Brazilian waxing. If it passes, New Jersey will change its nickname to the Overgrown Garden State.

San Francisco officials are cracking down on spontaneous gatherings organized on the Internet, after a pillow fight cost the city $20,000 to clean up the feathers. Though you would think that, in San Francisco, “feather cleanup” would be included in the city budget.

Seth Meyers: An assemblyman in Brooklyn is proposing a ten-dollar tax on patrons of nude and semi-nude dance club and strip bars —

Tracy Morgan: Which brings me to a segment I like to call “Really!? with Tracy Morgan”.

[ title card ]

Tracy Morgan: They want to add a ten-dollar tax for strip clubs?! I really, really, really, really don’t want you to DO this! Really!

[ title card ]

Tracy Morgan V/O: This… is Tracy Morgan!

Seth Meyers: [ flummoxed ] That’s it?

Tracy Morgan: I really don’t like that tax, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Tracy Morgan, everyone!

A rabbi in Massachusetts has created a Purim party bus, in which students from various local colleges can ride around and celebrate the Jewish holiday. Because when I hear “rabbi”, I think “someone who knows how to put together a party bus”.

A man in Pennsylvania, who was pulled over for a DWI, claimed that the police had no jurisdiction over him because he was his own country, saying, “I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania.” And, in international news, the Republic of Carl was just beaten with some nightsticks.

As GPS units become common features in cars and cell phones, more drivers are encountering map inaccuracies, causing them to drive off the road. Though, if you’re that easily persuaded to just to plow into the woods, maybe driving’s not for you.

Seth Meyers: This week marks the 50th birthday of one of America’s most iconic figures. Here to tell us all about it, please welcome Barbie!

[ Barbie wheels over with arms angled stiffly and a pair of sunglasses attached to her hand. She shuffles them between hands, then lets the sunglasses drop. ]

Barbie: Hi, Seth! Sorry I’m late. I sat in my pink convertible for two hours before I remembered it didn’t have a motor! A good push will only get you so far — oh, Barbie!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, we’re glad you made it, and I have to say you look great for 50!

Barbie: You’d better be careful! Or I’m gonna give you a sexy little tickle! Here I come. [ she leans forward to grope at Seth without breaking the stiffness of her posture ]

Seth Meyers: Alright! That’s enough, Barbie…

Barbie: What’s the matter, Seth? Not into plastic.

Seth Meyers: Alright, why don’t you tell us how you celebrated your birthday.

Barbie: My friends had a party for me! Midge… Skipper… Black Barbie…

Seth Meyers: Well, that sounds like fun.

Barbie: It was! Until a slutty Bratz doll showed up and cut somebody!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, where was Ken during this?

Barbie: Oh… um… he wasn’t invited.

Seth Meyers: Aren’t you two still together?

Barbie: For tax reasons, we are… but… other than that, not really. The truth is that I haven’t been satisfied with Ken for a long time.

Seth Meyers: Really? Why is that?

Barbie: Have you ever pulled down Ken’s pants?

Seth Meyers: No.

Barbie: No? Don’t. It’s disturbing.

[ Barbie angles her stiff arms over to drag a bottle of Wilson’s Blends Scotch Whiskey closer, then performs the same motion to drag a whiskey glass and an ash tray closer. She awkwardly grips the bottle in such a way so that she can unscrew the cap, but succeeds only in twirling the entire bottle.

Barbie: Can I get a little..?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I’d be happy to help! [ he grabs the bottle, unscrews the cap and pours ]

Barbie: Thank you! [ she grabs the glass with both hands and swings it upward, spilling the whiskey all over her dress ] Oh, Barbie!

Seth Meyers: Are you okay?

Barbie: Getting older isn’t easy. The dreamhouse is in foreclosure. It’s pretty bad.

Seth Meyers: Well, I mean… you could get a job.

Barbie: Oh, I’ve never had a job! I’ve been a nurse… a stewardess… an astronaut — I got fired from ALL of them!

Seth Meyers: Why do you think that is?

Barbie: Almost, if not every, job requires elbows. Look at me! I type two words a minute! I was a surgeon, for God’s sake! Why did they ever hire me?

Seth Meyers: Your looks.

Barbie: [ she smiles] Seth! Tickle time!

Seth Meyers: [ playfully ] Stop it! Barbie, stop it! Well, thak you for coming by, Barbie! It’s been very lively!

Barbie: Thanks for having me, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Barbie, everyone!

Kevin Richardson, an animal trainer at a preserve in South Africa, said this week that he likes to swim with Meg, a 400-pound lioness that lives there. You can read all about it in his upcoming — and almost certainly unfinished — autobiography.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it to Australia. Hopefully, from no more than fifty feet away from Australia.

This June, hundreds of cyclists will ride naked through Central Park for the World Naked Bike Ride. The event will be followed by the ceremonial Burning of the Bike Seats.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Tracy Returns

…..Tracy Morgan
Security…..Emily Spivey
Page…..Simon Rich
Guard…..John Cena
…..Tina Fey

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, night ]

Tracy Morgan: Rockefeller Center on a Saturday night — there’s nothing like it in the world! You can just FEEL the energy crackling as you come through the door! This is where TV lives and breathes! Twelve years ago, I came here a puppy — I left, A MAN!! Now, I’m back again! Wiser, still! Yet, in all my adventures, all my travels… I’ve learned something: this building? This building is MY HOME!!

[ cut to Tracy at the Secueity desk ]

Security: Sir, you don’t have any I.D.?

Tracy Morgan: Listen! I’m Tracy Morgan!

Security: [ unimpressed ] Do you have anything on your person that says that?

Tracy Morgan: How about my FACE?! That’s on my person!

Security: I’m sorry. Can you just have someone call down?

Tracy Morgan: I’ve worked too hard to get here to have someone call down for me!

[ she gives him a stunned look; he returns the gaze, then turns so he can storm into the elevator. The sight of two male guard blocking the entrance stops him in his tracks, but Tracy cracks his knuckes and crinkles his brow and makes a run for them, although neither of them realize Tracy is coming ]

[ to his buddy ] If you pay me, I’ll do your taxes, man. Just ask me.

[ Tracy appears and coldcocks both men, then runs through the turnstile and into a closing elevator door ]

Man: [ impressed ] Hey… you’re Tracy Morgan!

[ Tracy turns to coldcock the man ]

Woman: What are you doing…?

[ Tracy coldcocks her as well ]

[ the elevator opens on Floor 8, as Tracy storms down the hall ]

Page: [ smiling ] Hey, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: I’m not the Jordan you’re lookin’ for!

Page: What’s that?

[ Tracy coldcocks the page in slo-mo, then storms into the main hall ]

[ a Guard waits at the end of the hall, outside the doors to the studio ]

[ slo-mo close-ups as the two men acknowledge one another’s mighty presence ]

Guard: Come ooooooonnnnnn!!!

[ Tracy screams, then runs slo-mo with his foot pointed in front of him, the Guard taunting him every inch of the way ]

[ back to reality: Tracy appears right in front of the Guard ]

Guard: [ with a handshake and a smile ] Welcome back, Tracy!

[ Tracy coldcocks the Guard, then rushes into the studio ]

[ as he runs down an inner corridor, Tina Fey emerges from behind the back of a setpiece ]

Tina Fey: Tracy! There you are!

[ Tracy screams ]

Tina Fey: Tracy! It’s me, Tina! It’s okay. We used to work together, like, all the time?

Tracy Morgan: [ coming back to him ] Tina?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

[ Tracy coldcocks Tina ]

Tracy Morgan: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Suppressex

Cheerleader…..Abby Elliott
Uncle Jeff…..Will Forte
Dr. Ricky Lamayne…..Tracy Morgan
Department Store Santa…..Bill Hader

[ open on three cheerleaders crowded around Uncle Jeff, who sits in his car ]

Cheerleader: Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Jeff!

Uncle Jeff: Hey, you know I don’t mind having to leave work early! [ he laughs ]

Cheerleader: You mind giving my friends a ride?

Uncle Jeff: Sure! Get in.

Cheerleader: Thanks!

[ the cheerleaders run out of view, as the camera zooms in on Uncle Jeff ]

Uncle Jeff: This is no time for an erection.

[ cut to Dr. Ricky Lamayne in his office ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: You’re damn right, it’s not! Hi! I’m Dr. Ricky Lamayne. And, for years, I’ve struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I’d be at the gym, and I’d see a fat girl on a life cycle… or I’d be watching tow turtles doing it at the zoo… or I’d just be at the supermarket watching grown women shop for cucumbers. There’s a million drugs out there to help you get your thing up… but only ONE can help keep your stuff down! [ holds up product ] Suppressex! I created Suppressex! I was at a Super Bowl party, and that commercial came on, with the real sexy M&M — you know, the green one with the legs! Come on! You know she got it goin’ on! Here! Take a look at this chart!

[ show chart: Sexual Arousal, Max. and Min. ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: In just ten minutes, Suppressex takes your sexual arousement from red high heels… to Crocs… to those prescription shoes for people with different-sized legs.

[ dissolve to Department Store Santa getting dressed in a locker room ]

Department Store Santa: I’m a department store Santa. In my line of work, one accidental erect penis, and I could lose my job. Two in the same shift, and I’d go to jail! But, with Suppressex, no one gets a surprise before Christmas!

[ cut back to Dr. Ricky LaMayne ]

Dr. Ricky LaMayne: I don’t know HOW Suppressex works! It has some freaky nut juice in it, or something. I just know that when I TAKE one, I don’t have to worry about getting into a crowded elevator while weating sweatpants! It’s perfect for CHURCH… PUBLIC POOLS… YOGA CLASS… LAYING FACE-DOWN ON A WATERSLIDE… WATCHING OLD LADIES SUCK ON GRAPES… and STANDING! [ glances at a cat poster behind him ] Uh-oh! Look! That cat isn’t wearing any pants! [ he takes a Suppressex pill ] Whoo! Thanks, Suppressex!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Ask your doctor about Suppressex.

Jingle: Suppress it with Suppressex!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Scared Straight

Lorenzo MacIntosh….Kenan Thompson
Kendrick McIntyre….Tracy Morgan
Officer….Jason Sudeikis
Teen 1….Bill Hader
Teen 2….Andy Samberg
Teen 3….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)

Officer: All right, tough guys. So you think underage drinking is cool? The next time I catch you with beers in public, you´re gonna be drinking from a public fountain in juvie. You hear me?!

All three: (low voice) Yes, officer.

Officer: You know, you don´t seem to get the message. So this time I invited 2 representatives from the Scared Straight program come talk to you punks. They´re inmates over on Larchmont Maximum Security Prison and they´re here to warn you about the dangers of a criminal lifestyle. MacIntosh! McIntyre! You wanna get in here!

(Enters Lorenzo MacIntosh with his brown prison uniform, black do-rag and weight lifting belt on. With him enters another black tough con with an afro and handlebar mustache)

Kendrick McIntyre: YEAH!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right!! Here we comes!!

(They look at the teens with feral intensity)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: ON YOUR FEET!

(Teens get up)

Kendrick McIntyre: SIT DOWN!!

(Teens sit down)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: MAN, I SAID ON YOUR FEET!!

(Teens get up)

Kendrick McIntyre: MAN, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!!

(Teens sit down)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. My name is Lorenzo MacIntosh.

Kendrick McIntyre: And I´m Kendrick McIntyre.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: But our friends call us Double Big Mac´s.

Kendrick McIntyre: Cause we ate all the regular menu, DIG??!!

(Teens are more confused than scared)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. What they do this time? You know, let me get up in this file cabinet…(opens file cabinet)

Officer: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa…(closes the file cabinet on Lorenzo) Come on, MacIntosh, you´re not allowed in there.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick put their palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh, hey, I´m sorry chief. I get it. I do the dance, you just got to show me the moves.

Officer: We caught these kids drinking beer outside Pabst-mart.

Kendrick McIntyre: Ah, getting drunk in public, huh? That´s how it starts, getting drunk. And guess where it ends up? (flailing his arms over his head wildly) On monkeys with your face OFF!!!

Teen 3: How would that happen?

Lorenzo MacIntosh: (seeing red) Hey!! (grabs the teen by his tennis shoe, yanks it from his foot and throws it to the ground) Shut your damn MOUTH!! What? You think I never drink? Oh, I drank all right. And then right before my wedding my best friend took me on a tour through wine country. Yeah, I kept tasting different wines and then pretty soon I was cheating on my fiancee with some Asian lady. Is that what you want?! Hmmm?! The Asian lady from “Grey´s Anatomy” punching you in the face!! CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!

Teen 2: Isn´t that the plot of the movie “Sideways”?

(Lorenzo and Kendrick get menacingly close to the teen, rough him up some)

Kendrick McIntyre: Hey! Boy, you better watch yourself or you gonna find yourself sideways on a prison bathroom floor!!!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, you´ll be tasting a variety of liquids all right. But you ain´t gonna be drinking outta no glass!! The only thing you´ll be swishing around in your mouth is “penis noir”!!

Officer: Hey! Ho! No, no! MacIntosh, McIntyre, come on, guys! You can´t say stuff like that!

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Kendrick McIntyre: Hey, my bad, chief.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Hey, here´s the boundary, we overstepped it. Ha,ha. And why you kids drinking beers?

Teen 1: Bored.

Teen 2: Yeah, we´re stuck in this stupid town.

Kendrick McIntyre: Oh, you think you´re stuck in a small town?! One time I was stuck in a town so bad I felt like I was reliving the same day over and over again! Pretty soon I was so crazy I kidnapped the Ferris groundhog and drove it over a cliff!!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Is that what you want?! A murder-suicide with Punxsatowney Phil?! CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!

Teen 3: Yeah, I think that´s the plot to “Groundhog Day”.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick are furious, Lorenzo paces up and down punching his fist into his hand, hand five´s Kendrick. They get menacingly close to the teen)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh! Boy, you better keep your damn mouth SHUT!! Or the only small town you´ll be stuck in is a PRISON!! And you´ll be dealing with a hog, all right. But this hog ain´t gonna pop outta the ground. Its gonna pop outta the hole in your cellmate´s pants!!!

Kendrick McIntyre: Yeah, and it doesn´t matter if he sees a shadow. It ain´t gonna be springtime, it’s gonna be ding-a-ling time!

Officer: Hey, no, no. Both of you, come on! Good Lord.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh, hey, hey. That´s on us, chief.

Kendrick McIntyre: Yeah, we strike a pose, you just lay down the twister mac.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. Which one of you is the ringleader?

(Teen 1 and 3 point towards teen 2. Kendrick grabs teen 2 by his shirt, lifts him up)

Kendrick McIntyre: Get your ass up! Now, where did you get the beer from, Bob Dylan?

Teen 2: Nowhere.

Kendrick McIntyre: Oh, you like secrets, huh? I had a secret once. I had an alien in my bedroom. Pretty soon it was eating my Reese’s´s pieces and making long distance phone calls!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Is that what you want?! Huh?! The government chasing you and you have to fly away in a bicycle!

Lorenzo and Kendrick: CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!!

Teen 1: (gets up laughing) Ok, that´s “E.T.”, guys.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick scream in fury madness. They sit the teen roughly, get violently close. Lorenzo puts his fist up to the teen’s face. Now, Kenan as Lorenzo decides to play with Bill Hader and touches his lips softly making Bill Hader crack up. Tracy cracks him up further by touching Bill’s nose softly)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Shut up!! Boy, you keep up that attitude and the only alien visitor you’ll be dealing with is a 300 pound Mexican dude!! And he’s gonna have a long, skinny finger all right, but it ain’t gonna be on his hand.

Kendrick McIntyre: And you’ll get the Reese’s pieces but won’t follow, you’ll follow to the hospital and say “I need a new ASS!!!”

Officer: Oh, no way, no way! You cannot say that to kids….or adults.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, even I know that was way too far.

Officer: Ok, guys. You both need to leave. Ok, now.

Kendrick McIntyre: That’s cool.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Just remember, you want to booze it up? They gonna knock you down.

Officer: That’s right.

Kendrick McIntyre: You want to break the rules? You gonna get broken!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: You want to pound beers? They gonna pound your rears! Now, imagine a beer can…now, imagine something the size of a beer can.

Officer: Hey, hey. MacIntosh, Good Lord! Come on, man.

Kendrick McIntyre: We out.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: (as he goes) A beer can.(Kendrick makes a hole with his hands, points to the teens)

Officer: Oh, we get it, we get it. Let’s go, let’s go.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick leave. Officer jumps back on the desk and slams his ass hard on it. Jason Sudeikis stifles a laugh)

Officer: You boys learned your lesson?

(Bill, Andy and Bobby all have smiles on their faces, they’re about to crack up laughing. Teens nod no with their heads)

Officer: Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Teen 3: Hey, (cracking up, points out the window) they’re escaping in your car!

Officer: Come on, come on. You think I’m gonna fall for that? That’s impossible. I got the keys right here. (pulls out from his pocket a big key chain that says SUCKA) Wait a second, I’ll be right back. (runs out of the room)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

An SNL Digital Short

…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
Dude…..Bobby Moynihan
Winners…..Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott
Mr. Personality…..Kenan Thompson
Numbnuts…..John Lutz
Asshole….. Fred Armisen
Bat-Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Will Forte

[ Bill Hader and Andy Samberg enter a party scene ]

Bill Hader: I HATE these parties.

Andy Samberg: I know. So lame.

Bill Hader: It’s always the same people, man.

Andy Samberg: [ he sighs ] No kidding. [ points ] Look at this dude.

[ reveal a dude entered dressed in guido attire ]

Bill Hader V/O: [ mockingly ] Nice shirt.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Oh, check out these winners.

[ reveal two chatty broads, dressed almost indentical ]

Winner #2: [ waving her hands ] It’s hot!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Ah, here we go — look at these jokers.

[ cut to three guys dressed as the Joker from Bat-Man ]

Bill Hader V/O: They’re tight!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: Oh, boy — [ points ] Check out Mr. Personality.

[ cut to black man wearing a “Mr. Personality” sash ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Why do we keep coming to these things?

Bill Hader: I don’t know.

Andy Samberg: [ points ] Yeah, look at this numbnuts.

[ show man sitting on a block of ice with his pants pulled down ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Check out that terd-burglar.

[ show masked man reaching into a toilet ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, look at that guy.

[ show empty bathrobe hanging on the wall ]

Bill Hader V/O: No, I think it’s pronounced “Gee”.

Andy Samberg V/O: Well, look at that Gee.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look at those sonsofbitches.

[ reveal a litter of puppies on a chair ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Those guys are so baked.

[ reveal gingerbread men inside an oven ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It’s a real sausage-fest.

[ reveal a pair of German men dancing with sausage links ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look at that knucklehead.

[ reveal a face-painted hand ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ waving ] Hey there, Cowboy!

[ reveal a man wearing a cow head waving back with a “Moo-oo!” ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It’s What’s-His-Face.

[ reveal man with a blurred face ]

What’s-His-Face: Hi!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Check out this asshole.

[ reveal Asshole frowning ]

Asshole: Not cool!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look what the cat dragged in. [ he holds up a mouse by its tail ]

Bill Hader: Check out that hot piece of ass.

[ reveal what looks like a meaty piece of ass cooking on the stove ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Here comes the cavalry.

[ reveal a group of soldiers marching, with bugles blowing ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look who decided to show his face!

[ reveal a man in Bat-Man costume sans mask, as one of the Jokers pounds him with a board ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Look at these motherf–kers.

[ reveal three young dudes with their arms wrapped around three older ladies ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… I can’t believe they let Tom here. That guy’s a cereal rapist.

[ reveal Tom in a bathroom, going at it with a box of Alpha-bits. He huts the door. ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: This party BLOWS!

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man… check out these douchebags.

[ reveal their reflection in a mirror ]

Bill Hader: [ with a heavy sigh ] That’s us.

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson performs “My Life Would Suck Without You”

…..Tracy Morgan
…..Kelly clarkson

Tracy Morgan: Ladies and gentlemen — Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson: [ singing ]
“Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back all you said before

Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
but here you are again

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I got issues
But you’re pretty messed up, too
Either way I found out
I’m nothing without you

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go, yeah

‘Cause we belong together now,yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

‘Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you!”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Tracy Morgan’s Monologue

…..Tracy Morgan
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tracy Morgan!

Tracy Morgan: Thank you! Thanks! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you. [ he quiets the audience down ] Thank you, White People! [ the audience cheers ] It is an HONOR to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I was a cast member on “SNL” for SEVEN years! And, tonight, I’m in more sketches than I ever was in my whole entire seven years on this show! I’m back like Stone Yoses [?], baby!

Things are good for me. I’ve been doing “30 Rock”… [ the audience cheers ] But, of course, I always have some controversy. You may have seen me on the news recently because my fish tank blew up. But that’s an exaggeration. I had an electrical fire in my apartment, which can happen to anyone. But, for some reason, when it happens to me, papers make it sound so GHETTO! Look at these headlines!

[ headline: “Fishy Fire In Comedian’s Crib!” ]

Tracy Morgan: Why is it my crib, and not my home? Racist! Or, this one:

[ headline: “Troubled Star Scorches Pad” ]

Tracy Morgan: “Troubled”? You know why I’m troubled? My damn HOUSE burned down!! Or, this one:

[ headline: “Scary Black Man Wrecks House” ]

Tracy Morgan: That was the New York Times! Now, I’m not actually a ridiculous person. This fire could have happened to anyone. I have the pictures to prove it.

[ image: Tracy smiling next to his fish tank ]

Tracy Morgan: Here’s me before the fire, just relaxing at home. If I was ghetto, would I have two sharks, eight moray eels, and an illegal boxed jellyfish that I got from an ill Australian dude on the black market? Ghetto? I’d hardly think so!

[ image: Tracy frying chicken in front of the fish tank ]

Tracy Morgan: This was later that evening. I was just relaxing around the house, frying up some chicken legs for the sharks.

[ image: Tracy and his cousin playing Nintendo ]

Tracy Morgan: Then, my cousin Ray-Ray called and asked if I wanted to play some old school Nintendo. I said “Come over around Seven”. So he came over around Nine.

[ image: Tracy, his cousin, and a friend holding samurai swords in front of the fish tank and frying chicken ]

Tracy Morgan: Then me, Ray-Ray, and my friend Cheese started to mess around with these samurai swords I bought myself for Christmas. That’s not ghetto! That’s just ancient!

[ image: the boys discovering a fire near the fish tank ]

Tracy Morgan: And then we smelled fire. So I picked up a phone, and then I dialed 9-1-… 7… 5-5-5, 0-1-9-9. And I told my business manager I needed a new place to live, just like any normal person would have done!

Everyone’s okay. The fish are all okay. And I got asked to come here, and do this. So I feel good. [ the audience cheers ] I just want to say Thanks to Lorne Michaels. I wouldn’t be here without that dude. He gave me this job! He’s my Obi-Wan Kinobi. When I worked here, I used to come up to Lorne every week and be like, “Lorne… how am I doing?” And he would just look at me and say, “Get out of here, I’m pissing!” Nah, I’m just kidding! Come on up here, Lorne! I love you, Lorne!

[ Tracy pulls an elederly stage manager to the stage ]

Tracy Morgan: Lorne Michaels, everybody!

Stage Manager: Tracy, I’ve been telling you this for thirteen years: I’m a stage manager here! My name is Ted.

Tracy Morgan: [ stunned ] What?! Then, who’s Lorne Michaels?!

[ Stage Manager points offstage to reveal Lorne Michaels standing next to Seth Meyers on the High IQ set ]

Tracy Morgan: Oh! That dude? I remember that dude! What are you looking at, Slim?! Get me a soda, BITCH!!

[ Lorne hands his wine glass to Meyers, and handles Tracy’s request ]

Tracy Morgan: We’ve got a great show! Kelly Clarkson is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Klilgarian Woman…..Andy Samberg

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! I’m on the planet Klilgar! I’m collecting very interesting stones for the collection! I’ve found no signs of life on this planet! It’s a cold and dead planet! Wait, one second! Someone or something is coming!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 6: The Ice Planet”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk right now, Earth! I’m making contact with a Krilgarian woman!

Krilgarian Woman: Earth creature…

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: You have ventured into the Krilgarian Galaxy without permission.

Astronaut Jones: Say what?

Krilgarian Woman: I am Xerba the Beautiful…

Astronaut Jones: Dig it.

Krilgarian Woman: …and I have been instructed by my leaders to take you my hostage and keep you as my prisoner.

Astronaut Jones: Drop it like it’s hot.

Krilgarian Woman: Do not attempt to escape…

Astronaut Jones: Jump on you!

Krilgarian Woman: My powers are great, and I will not hesitate to use them against you.

Astronaut Jones: Make me hungry!

Krilgarian Woman: No Earth creaturee has escaped from Krilgar…

Astronaut Jones: Word, say word!

Krilgarian Woman: You will be placed in our testing laboratory…

Astronaut Jones: Where?

Krilgarian Woman: …’til you are no longer of use.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: Then, you will be eaten.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Krilgarian Woman: What say you to this, Earth Man?

Astronaut Jones: I say you drop down that skirt, and let me get that green dugout!

Krilgarian Woman: [ a beat ] This is not possible. Krilgarians do not have vaginas.

Astronaut Jones: What they got?

Krilgarian Woman: Instead, we possess something more like your Earth Man penis, only bigger.

Astronaut Jones: Hey! We’re in space, baby — penis, vagina, it’s all good!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Goodnights

…..Tracy Morgan

Tracy Morgan: Thanks to Kelly Clarkson… Tina Fey… John Cena… Lorne Michaels, Marcie Klein, Alec Baldwin… my wife! [ rambles more names ] Tanisha… my Grandmother Kiwani… everybody in the audience… our president! I love you! [ continues to ramble more names, as the credits begin to roll ] Bradley! My man Sharkey! Thank the cast — I love this cast! And my babies! Thank you, y’all! Love you, thanks!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18

08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Family Flix

Host…..Kristen Wiig
Percy T. Douglas…..Tracy Morgan
Actor 1…..Andy Samberg
Actor 2…..Bobby Moynihan
Milkman…..Will Forte

[ open on talk show set ]

Host: Hello, welcome to “Family Flix”. I’m here with Percy T. Douglas, writer and director of “Rocket Dog”. A movie that sounds “Dog-gone” terrific!

Percy T. Douglas: [ he laughs uproariously for a few moments, then turns serious ] I like the kind of humor.

Host: Um — Percy, your movie tells the story of a young boy from a troubled home whose life changes when he and his dog find a jet pack in the attic.

Percy T. Douglas: It’s a movie for any kid who was ever told: “You’re not gonna find a jet pack!”

Host: Well, you brought a clip for us. Let’s take a look.

[ dissolve to clip: back yard scene ]

Actor 1: My stepdad said it was stupid for me to have dreams. But we showed him! We showed EVERYONE! You’re more than just a dog — you’re Rocket Dog!

[ sound effect: dog barking ]

[ music sweep, as Boy turns rocket on ]

Actor 1: Now, reach for the stars, girl! 3! 2! 1! Dogs away!

[ sound effect: rocket blasts off ]

[ cut to sky shot, rocket blasting through the air as “THE END” appears on screen ]

[ dissolve to image of the dog with SUPER: “In Memoriam” as Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” plays ]

[ dissolve back to the talk shot set, Douglas cracking up laughing ]

Percy T. Douglas: Houston, we have a dog!!

Host: [ speechless ] O-okay. Uhhh — couple things. Uh, you chose to play a clip that was the ending of the movie…

Percy T. Douglas: [ pleased ] Yeah!

Host: Okay, I just wanted to make sure you knew that. Um — also, I noticed that the dog who played Rocket Dog passed away.

Percy T. Douglas: Y-yeah… y-you know, that was very sad. On a movie set, you become like a family. Then one day, you have to strap a rocket onto a member of your family, and set that thing on fire!

Host: [ speechless ] All right. Uhhh — well, here is another clip from “Rocket Dog”.

[ dissolve to clip: train passing along the tracks ]

[ dissolve to back yard scene ]

Actor 1: If we’re gonna make it to the rocket contest on time, w’ere gonna have to jump onto that moving train!

[ sound effect: dog barking ]

Actor 1: Yeah. I know it’s dangerous to fly full speed at a train. But if we believe in ourself, anything’s possible!

[ music sweep ]

Actor 1: Trains away!

[ they run off screen ]

[ dissolve to image of three different dogs, a cat, and the Actor with SUPER: “In Memoriam” as Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” plays ]

[ dissolve back to the talk shot set, Douglas cracking up laughing ]

Percy T. Douglas: Houston, we have a dog!!

Host: [ stunned ] So… you put a second memoriam montage, in the middle of your movie?

Percy T. Douglas: Yeah! We put it there to honor all the Rocket Dogs it took to make that shot!

Host: How many dogs in total?

Percy T. Douglas: Pass! But I just want to say: those dogs had GREAT lives! They got to go to a movie set, watch these other dogs go first, get shot into a train…

Host: Okay. Um — where did you film this movie?

Percy T. Douglas: Thailand. I wanted a place that was heavy on dogs, and light on laws.

Host: I also noticed your main actor died.

Percy T. Douglas: Yes! [no further explanation ]

Host: Okay, um — would you like to set up your next clip?

Percy T. Douglas: Yes! This is a scene from “Rocket Dog”!

Host: Wow.

[ dissolve to clip: back yard scene with new actor ]

[ sound effect: dog barking ]

Actor 2: I’m telling you, girl — one of these days, we’re gonna find a way to just FLY away from here!

[ Milkman passes ]

Milkman: [ hands over a bottle of milk ] Here’s your milk.

Actor 2: Thanks. [ to Rocket Dog ] Hey, girl, know what? You’re my best friend!

[ dissolve to image of Milkman, second Actor, seven dogs, a man dressed in a dog costume, and Douglas with SUPER: “In Memoriam” as Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” plays ]

[ dissolve back to the talk shot set ]

Host: [ speechless ] Sooo… everyone in that scene died?

Percy T. Douglas: Correct.

Host: I-I-I also couldn’t help but notice that you were listed as dead at the end of that clip.

Percy T. Douglas: Uh, yes. I had to fake my death in order to flee the country. I was under the flase impression that you could do anything you wanted in Thailand — you know, like the Chinese Atlantic City?

Host: [ stunned ] Your film is… thirty-eight minutes long? Uh, ten minutes of that is a close-up of a TV showing the movie “Braveheart”.

Percy T. Douglas: [ a beat ] Houston, we have a dog!!

Host: Okay, thank you, Percy, um — join us next week, when we’ll be talking to… [ reads her card and sighs ] Percy T. Douglas.

Percy T. Douglas: [ throws his arms up ] Yes!!

Host: Uh — about his new movie, “Scuba Pig”. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts