Month: October 2018

SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: The Little Mermaid



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1



01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

The Little Mermaid

Sailor…..Will Ferrell
Little Mermaid…..Reese Witherspoon
Dad…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: We now return to the classic story of “The Little Mermaid”.

[ open on Sailor coming to in the sand on a deserted island ]

Sailor: Oh.. the shipwreck.. I survived.. but how? [ sees Little Mermaid sitting on a rock ] You! You’re the beautiful creature that saved my life!

Little Mermaid: I’ve been watching your ship from afar.

Sailor: I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.

Little Mermaid: Nor have I.

[ singing ]

“I thought I had seen all the wonders of the sea.”

Sailor: “I thought I had known all the beauty of the shore.”

Little Mermaid: “But here at last, where our two worlds meet.”

Together: “I finally felt my true heart soar!”

Little Mermaid: “I feel brand new!”

Sailor: “I feel so free!”

Little Mermaid: “I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia!”

Sailor: “I feel like I never..” [ stops abruptly ] ..whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?

Little Mermaid: I said, I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia.

Sailor: I’m not following.

Little Mermaid: Well, you see, when I feel this way about somebody so special, I release extra slime to lubricate the scaly membrane that closes off my egg sac.

“So now my heart feels..”
Sailor: No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hang on a second! You mean to tell me that, down there, you’ve got fish business going on?

Little Mermaid: What’d you expect, silly?

Sailor: [ grossed out ] But, wait.. when you get up on land, you grow legs, right?

Little Mermaid: Of course, I do!

Sailor: Oh.. thank God!

Little Mermaid: Yes, the legs are human, but believe you me, the hoohah’s all mackeral!

Sailor: [ thinking ] Okay. Really nice meeting you. [ gets up to leave ]

Little Mermaid: Oh, I get it! You think I’m ugly because we’re different.

Sailor: No, it’s not like that.. it’s just that..

Little Mermaid: Well, we may be different on the outside; but inside, I think you’ll find we share the same heart.

Sailor: [ thinking ] Maybe you’re right.

Little Mermaid: “Below the waves, our hearts will know the differences outside.”

Sailor: It’s true!

Little Mermaid: “I love all creatures equally, wherever they reside.”

Sailor: That’s lovely!

Little Mermaid: “I get it on with tuna
I’ve gone down on a shark!
I’ve got films of me with a manatee..!”

Sailor: Alright, alright! That’s enough! That’s enough!

Little Mermaid: What’s wrong?

Sailor: You have sex with fish?!

Little Mermaid: Fish, shrimp, turtles.. I’ll pretty much bend over for anything with fins.

Sailor: Okay, I don’t think it’s gonna work out between us. In fact, I think it’s physically impossible.

Little Mermaid: Oh, it’s possible, alright! It is. Where do you think I came from?

Sailor: Well.. wasn’t your father a Merman, and..?

Little Mermaid: What?! Oh, no way! My father’s just some dude who got drunk one night and broke into an aquarium to get freaky with a halibut.

Dad: [ walks across the sand clutching a fish in his arms ] He-ey-ey! There you are, darling! I was thinking of getting some ribs with your ma here!

Sailor: [ appalled ]You had sex with that fish?

Dad: Oh, yeah.. I’ve had sex with a lot of stuff!

Sailor: Where am I?!

Dad: “Oh, I’ve had sex with a lot of stuff
from a can of soup to a dirty old mutt.
But this old dirt-bag got his wish
When he found a fish filled with dirt-bag fish!”

Sailor: Okay, that’s it, I’m out of here..

Dad: “Deep down below the waves.”

Fish Chorus: “Deep down below the waves.”

Dad: “Down in the deep.”

Fish Chorus: “Down in the deep.”

Dad: “It’s no crime to hump a fish
On Interspecies Beach!
On Interspecies Beach!
On Interspecies Beach!”

Announcer: “The Litte Mermaid” will not return, due to pending legal action.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: The Culps



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1



01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

The Culps

Stephanie Ludstrom…..Reese Witherspoon
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer

[open on Prestige Banquet Hall]

Stephanie Ludstrom: Hey, you guys, can I have your attention? Okay, I’m Stephanie Ludstrom, Audrey’s cousin, and even though I’m a nonlesbian, I really loved Audrey and Lara’s commitment ceremony. Lara, you looked so beautiul in your dress. And Audrey, I have never seen anyone look so pretty in a blazer. I just wanted to say our whole family supports you, except Uncle Pete, who called this a Jane Hathaway convention full of donut bumpers. But we all know what a drunk he is. So here’s to you. And now, here’s some entertainment from Lara’s side of the family.

[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test.

Marty Culp: Check, check.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whoops, we got a real, real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Very hot mic.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Unusually hot, uncharacteristically hot.

Marty Culp: Getting a lot of reverb.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: A lot of reverb. A lot of fuzz of the woofers as well.

Marty Culp: A lot of fuzz. Can we show you some of the fuzz?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we shave off some fuzz off the woofers?

Marty Culp: Off the woofers? Off the woofers?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No? No?

Marty Culp: I guess we’ll make do. Hello. I’m Marty Culp, and I’m here with my life partner, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I hope you weren’t expecting the Indiglow Girls. Well, we are professional musicians.

Marty Culp: Yes. We normally head up the musical department over at Alta Dena Middle School, but today, we’re here as Lara’s very proud aunt and uncle.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And we sure are fans of her new wife and fellow park ranger, Audrey.

Marty Culp: When the… when the tent’s a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’, gals.

[microphone feeds back]

Bobbie Mohan-Culp: Whoops. Got a real hot one here.

Marty Culp: Ohh, real hot – very hot. Can we get a…

Bobbie Mohan-Culp: Even though – even though we’ve never been actual gays ourselves, we’re no strangers to exploration.

Marty Culp: Amen. Heck, everyone gets a little bi-curious at some point in their sexual development.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Case in point, as a young girl, I spent many hours playing “Find the Boobies” with a neighbor friend, Margarite.

Marty Culp: And I have to admit, as recently as last summer, taking an all-male African dance class often left me both confused and engorged.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Tribal movement can be a big turn-on, people.

Marty Culp: Absolutely. To the young man in the sequin dress, I don’t appreciate you referring to my wife as a side of bitch salad.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Anyways, Lara, Audrey, we honor and celebrate your same sex union.

Marty Culp: And because we love you, we’ll never forget you’re here, you’re queer, so let’s get this funk in gear! 1, 2, 3, 4…

[playing Kool and the Gang’s “Ladies’ Night”]

Both: “Oh, yes, it’s ladies’ night
And the feeling’s right
Oh yes, it’s ladies’ night
Oh, what a niiiiight!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Hit me.

[playing Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot’s “Get Ur Freak On” as they hum to the tune]

Bobbie-Mohan Culp: “Let’s see you break it down on the underground!”

Marty Culp: “I told your mother…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “STOP!”

Both: “You can’t stop me now!
Listen to me now!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Now go!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Now go!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Now go!”

Marty Culp: “Get your freak on!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Is that your chick?”

Marty Culp: “HOLLA!”

Both: “Get your freak on!”

[playing Styx’s “Lady”]

Marty Culp: I believe there are two young ladies that will be getting their freak on this evening.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whole lotta passion.

Marty Culp: Yeah.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whole lotta passion.

Marty Culp: “Lady, when you’re with you, I’m smiling.”

Both: “Give me all yoi-yoi-yoi-your love!
Your hands fill me up when I’m sinking!
Touch me and my troubles all fade…”

[start playing Styx’s “Mr. Roboto”]

“Domo arigoto, Mr. Roboto!
Domo arigoto, Mrs. Lesboto!”

[plays Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Marty, can you handle this?”

Marty Culp: “Bobbi, can I handle this?”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I don’t think you can handle this!
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!”

Marty Culp: “I don’t think I’m ready for this jelly!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I don’t think you’re ready for this ’cause my body too bootylicious for you babe!”

Marty Culp: “Your body’s too bootylicious for you babe!”

[playing Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs”]

Both: “She bangs, she bangs!
Oh, baby, when she moves, she moves,
I go crazy ’cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee,
like every girl in history!”

[playing Jay-Z’s “IZZO”]

Marty Culp: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the eighth wonder of the world. The flow of the century, it’s timeless. Ho-oh!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “H to the izzo, V to the izzay!”

Marty Culp: “Shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in V.A.!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “H to the homo, L to the lezzay!”

Both: “That’s the anthem, get your damn hands up!
That’s the anthem, get your damn hands up!
That’s the anthem, get your damn hands up!”

“Oh, yes, it’s ladies’ night,
and the feeling’s riiiiiight!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Congratulations, girls. Congratulations.

[fade]

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4






01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
Mighty Mack…..John Goodman
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning, advising all Americans to be on high alert this week. On Friday, he announces that the period of high alert may be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: “Bitch, I can’t be more alert than I already am. I’m opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport in the shower with me, I’m watching so much CNN that I’m having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How about this? You stay on high alert, and I’ll go freeze my head like Walt Disney and you can wake me up when all of this is over, alright?”

This week, Reverend Jesse Jackson called for a nationwide Halloween boycott, saying that instead of trick-or-treating, we should spend the night with our families. No word yet on which of his families Jackson was referring to.

In light of recent events, the company that syndicates “Seinfeld” has pulled the episode of the show in which George’s fiancee dies from licking envelopes. Also being pulled from syndication, the episode of “I Love Lucy” where Ethel gets anthrax.

The makers of “Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone” said they had to hire a voice double for the movie’s star, Daniel Ratcliffe, after his voice began to change during filming. This explains the title of the sequel: “Harry Potter & His Astonishing Pubic Hair”.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, a tough night for the New York Yankees. They lost to Arizona, 15-2. The Series is tied at three games apiece. Here, with a commentary, is our own Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Jimmy. Tmorrow night, despite two thrilling ninth inning victories here in New York, the Yankees magic run may finally come to an end. some people say their offense is inconsisent, some say their pitching is too old. But I know the real reason the Yankees have struggled a bit in the Play-Offs. It’s because, for the first time in history, Red Sox fans are rooting for the Yankees to win. I know. I’m a Red Sox Fan. For the past 83 years, you’ve had nothing but our negative energy and hatred in your way, and it’s led to, like, 65 world championships. But this year, because of what happened to New York, Boston’s decided to put our personal feelings aside and root for you to win. When the Yankees went to Boston, they played “New York, New York” over the PA. People were holding up signs that said, “Boston Loves New York”. And you started losing. Coincidence? No! Everyone and everything Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, we’d all be floating three inches off the ground. We’re the worst! Right now, Donald Rumsfield is in West Roxbury, Mass., trying to convince eight guys named Murph to root for the Taliban.

Personally, I don’t like this new camaraderie. Remember the later Tom & Jerry cartoons where they were friends, and it sucked? Same concept. That having been said, I love New York. No city deserves a World Championsgip more than this city right now. So, in order to help you out, I, a Red Sox fan, will say this: “I hate the Yankees!” “Paul O’Neill, you’re a whining crybaby.” “Chuck Knoblauch, you’re a glorified Oompa-Loompa.” “Roger Clemens, I would give every penny I have to whack your 39-year-old groin with a Fungo Bat.” And I’m only saying this because I genuinely want you to win. Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers, everybody! Seth Meyers! Good job, man!

In an upcoming issue of “Premiere” magazine, Will Smith claims that his new fitness training has energized his sex life, saying, “I am a sexual machine now. I’m Human Viagra. I’m Will-agra.” Well, if you mean you’re becoming a huge dick, I think I agree with you.

It was reported that Michael Jackson has a cameo roll in the “Men In Black” sequel, where he plays an alien but doesn’t wear a costume. Touché, Michael. You beat us to the joke this time. But we’ll be back.

In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.

An autopsy is being conducted on the remains of Albert DeSalvo, the confessed Boston Strangler, in an attempt to idenitify his killer. Among the primary suspects: The Boston Stranger Strangler.

According to a new biography on Madonna, in 1991 the pop star tried to seduce Michael Jackson. I know it sounds crazy now, but you have to remember what Michael Jackson looked like in 1991. [ show normal-looking black man ] Aha!

LucasFilm Ltd. has sued the producer of a pornographic movie called “Star Balls” for copyright and trademark infringement, saying that the consumers could confuse it with “Star Wars”. Adding to the confusion, is the fact that both movies star Mark Hamill.

And now, with an editorial comment about the situation facing our country, here are Mighty Mack and Elwood Blues.

Mighty Mack: Thank you. Thank you. You know, whenever I need an insight into real politic, I turn to Elwood Blues. So, Elwood, you have some thoughts about the war?

Elwood Blues: It’s affirmative. Although I am old enough to have served time in Vietnam, I did not. Mainly because at the time I was serving time for grand theft heavy construction equipment. However, I did experience the Cold War firsthand in primary school, as a fallout shelter monitor. Now, that particular fear was a component of the Communist geopolitcal objective.

Mighty Mack: And look what happened there – a prolitariat revolution that didn’t even last 100 years, and ended in a bottomless turd-swirl which sucked a culturally and resource-rich people down into a gangster-run kleptocracy.

Elwood Blues: Correct. So now, we have the Islamic Fundamentalist objective. However flawed it was, at least the Soviets offered an alternative. And what is the alternative from this new wrath of freaks? Squatting in decimated mud hovels wearing fece-siled nightshirts and flip-flops, eating dirt and white lice burgers with nights spent beside grown men who roll around smooching each ball sacs, getting their compulsory beards all tangled up in each other’s ass hairs!

Mighty Mack: Right! Do these criminal maniac lice-eaters really expect their interpretation of scripture to appeal to any rational Muslims anywhere? Where women can’t go to or teach school, practice medicine, law or business, forcing them to stay indoors and impose illiteracy on a whole new generation of broads?

Elwood Blues: For this alone, the dwelling holes of these psycho alpha males deserve to be blowtorched like a squirming nest of May 10th catepillars!

Mighty Mack: And so, Elwood, your point is?

Elwood Blues: My point? Well, my point is nothing will stop our way of life.

And nothing will stop the U.S. Postal Service.

[ they stand up and grab microphones, as the Weekend Update set is separated from behind them, exposing them to the main stage ]

Elwood Blues & Mighty Mack: [ singing ]Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain’t got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I’m going home, because my baby just wrote me a letter

I don’t care how much money I’ve got to spend
I’ve got to get back to my baby again
Lonely days are gone
I’m going home; my baby just wrote me a letter

Well she wrote me a letter, said she couldn’t live without me no more
Listen mister, can’t you see I’ve got to get back to my baby once more?
Anyway!

Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain’t got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I’m going home, because my baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter..

[ Tina and Jimmy run back across the set ]

Tina Fey: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Celebrity Jeopardy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1


01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Anne Heche…..Reese Witherspoon
Chris Tucker…..Dean Edwards
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

[ Jeopardy Theme Song starts the show ]

[ Alex Trebek is shown behind his podium)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. You may notice I’m wearing a different suit. [ upset ] Apparently Mr. Connery felt my leg was closer than the urinal.

(Connery laughs hysterically)

It’s time for Double Jeopardy, let’s take a look at the scores. Chris Tucker is in the lead with -$5,000. Mr. Tucker has answered every question with the same response…

Chris Tucker: Do YOU understand the words comin’ out of my mouth?!?

(camera back on Trebek)

Alex Trebek: That’s the one. (to Tucker) You do understand that you’re playing for charity?

Chris Tucker: Yes I do. Why? Why? Do you not understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth?!?

Alex Trebek: Just making sure. Next with -$43,000, is Anne Heche.

(Camera cuts to Anne)

Anne Heche: (in an unusual language) “ Hakunis a attruna donna”. That means “I’m not crazy anymore”. In my made-up space language.

(back to Trebek, who is somewhat bewildered)

Alex Trebek: Terrific. And finally, with -$100,000, Sean Connery is here….yet again.

(camera cuts to Connery)

Sean Connery: I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Trebek. I turned down Harry-Fricken’-Potter for this. (chuckles)

(back to Trebek, who seems frustrated already)

Alex Trebek: Please God, take me now. Let’s take a look at the board. And the categories are..(camera shows game board) “Potent Potables”, “Batman or Robin”. That’s where we show you a picture, and you say whether it’s Batman or Robin. “Famous Horsemen”. That’s about jockeys. (Connery cuts in)

Sean Connery: I bet you’ve seen your fair share of other men’s jockeys crumpled up on your bedroom floor, haven’t you Tinkerbell? (Chuckles)

(back to Trebek, who is angered and frustrated)

Alex Trebek: Next we have “Point to your Nose”, “Things Mom Gave You”, “Celebrity Photos”. Keep in mind that everyone of these photos will be one of you. And finally, “Connect the Dot”. (camera cuts to Anne, who is gazing at the board) Anne Heche, it’s your board.

(Anne does nothing. Trebek sighs)

Alex Trebek: Fine, it’s your board, Celestia.

Anne Heche: “Neega Bah”… ‘Batman or Robin’ for 400, Alex.

Alex Trebek: (shakes head) And the answer is…(board shows picture of Batman, clearly) Is this Batman, or Robin? Chris Tucker.

Chris Tucker: Yo I know this, man. That’s Robin!

Alex Trebek: No. So since it’s not Robin, that leaves only one correct answer. Anne Heche.

Anne Heche: WHO is Robin?

Alex Trebek: Amazing. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: WHAT is Robin? Now then, I’ll take “Batman or Robin” for 800.

Alex Trebek: No, that’s the wrong. Let’s just go to “Celebrity Photos” for 200. And remember, this is a photograph of one of you.

(board shows picture of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker from ‘Rush Hour’ with “TUCKER” and “CHAN” written in red.

Alex Trebek: Who is this celebrity with Jackie Chan? Chris Tucker, you might want to ring in here. Anne Heche.

Anne Heche: Who is “Zartoo”, third overlord of Blargon 7?

(Trebek is shown confused and angered)

Alex Trebek: For the love of God, no. Chris Tucker.

Chris Tucker: Yo man, that’s Jackie Chan, I worked with that dude.

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, just pick a category.

Sean Connery: I’ll take “whore semen” for 800. (leaves his podium and heads for the board)

(Cut to Trebek, who is very confused)

Alex Trebek: Wait, What? Wait…Where are you going? What are you…

(Connery points to board, the category “Famous HORSEMEN” points to the “hor” first, and then “semen”

Sean Connery: See? “Hor” like your mother. And “Semen”! It’s right there! (Connery laughs hysterically)(Trebek is angered)

Alex Trebek: Yes, I see it. (Connery keeps laughing, Trebek is becoming more frustrated) You’re very proud of yourself, aren’t you?Sean Connery: Yes! (keeps laughing)

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. And the category is..(screen shows question) Would you like a cookie? (Jeopardy music starts) Yes or No? If you want a cookie, say yes. If you don’t, say no. Even if you want a cookie and you say no, you’ll still be right. (music ends) Let’s see what our contestants wrote. Chris Tucker, let’s see what you wrote down. (screen shows Tucker’s answer) Do you understand the words that are coming out of …Let me guess, you wagered, “my mouth”. (screen shows “my mouth”) And I’m right.

Chris Tucker: Man, I don’t need this! I don’t need nothin’. I don’t need nothin’!! I make 20 million dollars a movie. I’ll buy my own charity, man!

Alex Trebek: Once again, I’ll remind you that you are playing for charity. Apparently that isn’t getting through. Anne Heche, let’s see what you wrote.

(camera shows Anne Heche’s resume taped over the screen, with actors and actresses she’s slept with) Somehow you’ve managed to post your resume. Mind-bending.

Anne Heche: Alex, you’ll notice that I’ve slept with A LOT of famous people.

Alex Trebek: I’ll take your word for it. Now onto Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Man Trebek, she’s a nut-job.

Alex Trebek: Tell me about it.

Sean Connery: She’s nuttier than a pecan log. (both start laughing and smiling together, Connery pats Trebek on the back)

Alex Trebek: Well, Sean, let’s see what you wrote. (screen shows Connery’s answer) I’m sorry Alex.

Sean Connery: (somber) That I am.

Alex Trebek: (surprised) Wow.

Sean Connery: I know I give you a hard time, but it’s all in good fun. I mean, you know that, don’t you?

Alex Trebek: (pretending to know) Uhh…of course..I do..Sean. Let’s see what you wagered, friend. (screen shows Connery’s wager, which reveals the rest of the phrase) Trebek is such a fruit. ( Connery laughs hysterically and Trebek is disappointed).

Sean Connery: Put that in your straw and ..

Alex Trebek: Suck it, I know, suck it.

Sean Connery: Suck it! Suck it!

Alex Trebek: Suck it, yes. I hear you. Well that’s it, goodbye.

(Trebek walks off with his head down as the camera fades to black).

Submitted by: Blake B.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1



01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Goodnights

…..Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you so much to Alicia Keys! And Mayor Rudolph Guiliani! Paul Simon! And the New York City fire Department – the EMS – the Police Department – and the Port Authority Police! Thank you so much to the cast, the cew and all the writers! And Lorne! It’s been an amazing week! You guys made me laugh, so thank you!

SNL Transcripts

Carter in Cuba

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Carter in Cuba

Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Fidel Castro…..Will Ferrell
Translator…..Maya Rudolph


Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2:40 a.m., Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates, and stuff like that. But first, this week, Former President Jimmy Carter made a historic visit to Cuba. Our C-SPAN cameras were there as he met with Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

Fidel Castro: (speaking Spanish the whole time, voice of Translator) On behalf of myself and the Cuban people, I welcome you to my country.

Jimmy Carter: Thank you. As the first U.S. President to come to Cuba since the Revolution, I hope my visit, and especially our joint address to the Cuban people can help open a dialogue between our two nations.

Fidel Castro: Forgive me, but I was trying to remember earlier: When exactly were you president?

Jimmy Carter: From 1977 to 1981.

Fidel Castro: Oh, when they took the hostages in Iran?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, that’s right.

Fidel Castro: And when you had the oil shortage?

Jimmy Carter: Yes.

Fidel Castro: With the rationing and the long lines for gasoline?

Jimmy Carter: Yes.

Fidel Castro: We have that here, too.

Jimmy Carter: Uh, huh.

Fidel Castro: People hate it.

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes they do.

Fidel Castro: Remember stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes, sure.

Fidel Castro: Isn’t that what you are best known for, stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, I get that a lot. Now in tomorrow’s address…..

Fidel Castro: You never hear that word anymore, stagflation. What exactly is stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Well, stagflation is a thankfully rare economic condition, characterized by stagnant or declining growth, extremely high interest rates, and runaway inflation.

Fidel Castro: Wow! Even we have never had stagflation.

Jimmy Carter: Well, fortunately it hasn’t hit the U.S. since, well….since the late 1970’s.

Fidel Castro: Weren’t you also attacked by a rabbit?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes I was. But, if you don’t mind, I’m anxious to talk about tomorrow’s speech.

Fidel Castro: How does someone get attacked by a rabbit?

Jimmy Carter: Well…

Fidel Castro: I can see being attacked by a dog, or a fox, or a hedgehog, a chicken can become quite angry, even a wired beak. But a rabbit! That’s crazy!

Jimmy Carter: It is quite rare.

Fidel Castro: Attacked by a rabbit! Wow! You couldn’t catch a break, could you?

Jimmy Carter: No, not too often.

Fidel Castro: Anyway, let’s talk about our televised address to the Cuban people.

Jimmy Carter: Yes, please, let’s do it.

Fidel Castro: It’s a live broadcast. I go on first, _________ and I will speak for about four and a half hours. Next, Elian Gonzalez will recite a poem denouncing his Miami relatives, which will run about 90 minutes. Followed by some….______. Then comes your speech, about five to seven minutes, then more ________. Then I wrap things up with about three hours of closing remarks.

Jimmy Carter: Alright, now, in my speech, I intend to bring up the issue of human rights in Cuba.

Fidel Castro: That’s alright. There are only five TV stations in the whole country. And two of them don’t have sound. So, go ahead and knock yourself out.

Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you. That all sounds good now, but if you’ll all excuse me, I should really go get some sleep.

Fidel Castro: You’re right. Tomorrow is an important day. So, good night, Jimmy. But first, I leave you with one thought: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: Ashcroft’s Press Conference



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4



01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Ashcroft’s Press Conference

Brian Williams…..Seth Meyers
John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Dean Edwards
Dr. Anthony Fauci…..Chris Kattan

Brian Williams: Good evening. I’m Brian Williams. We’re just seconds away from a briefing by Attorney General John Ashcroft, who will address the growing concern of terrorism here at home.

[ cut to White House press conference ]

John Ashcroft: Good evening. These are, indeed, complicated times for a great nation. But tonight, the United States Justice Department simply wishes to say: get on with your lives. Do whatever you would normally do. Also, in the next three days, there’s probably gonna be a terrorist attack on our country. [ acknowledges Reporter #1 ] Yes? Question?

Reporter #1: You said there’s gonna be a terrorist attack soon? Can you give us any more details?

John Ashcroft: Well, first of all, I didn’t say there was gonna be an attack. I said probably!

Reporter #1: How probably?

John Ashcroft: Look, numbers aren’t gonna make people feel any better. I could say there’s a 1% chance, or 2%, or.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..96.7%. I don’t know! It doesn’t matter! Let’s just do what the President said. Let’s return to our normal lives, continue to do all the things you would normally do, with confidence, with vigilence, and with the knowledge that sometime very soon, or maybe in the future, there’s gonna be a horrible terrorist attack! [ acknowledges Reporter #2 ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Helen Thomas. Can you tell us what the target of the attack will be, or when it will occur?

John Ashcroft: No, I cannot tell you, because we don’t have any idea. Again, let me say this: if we let the terrorists make us afraid of their imminent attacks, attacks that’ll probably happen tomorrow, or maybe in three weeks.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..or later today.. then we just let them win. Just live your lives, just do what you would normally do. See a movie, go to a park, go to the gas mask store.. you know, stockpile canned goods and antibiotics, the types of things you do every day! [ acknowledges Reporter #3 ] Yes, yes?

Reporter #3: Is this warning more or less severe than the last warning on Octover 11th?

John Ashcroft: More?

Reporter #3: You don’t seem sure.

John Ashcroft: Look, if I said, “Yes, this is definitely, absolutely, way, way more serious than the last one,” would that make you feel better?

Reporter #3: No.

John Ashcroft: Well, there ya go! Look, everyone, please, go back to your normalcy, live your lives, just relax. And now, here with an update on the vicious, seemingly unstoppable anthrax scourge, from the National Institute of Health, is Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thank you. I’d like to reassure the American public by saying this: we have cleaned the State Department, the White House, the Supreme Court and the Capitol Building with state-of-the-art decontamination instruments, and have installed dozens of $20 million irradiation lasers to keep all dangerous substances away from the U.S. government. [ acknoledges Reporter #1 ] Yes?

Reporter #1: What about the post offices?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’ve given each post office some Baby Wipes and a dustbuster.

Reporter #1: But what about the contaminated buildings in New York? Are they safe?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t know, lady! I haven’t been to New York in weeks! Do you think I’m crazy?!

[ Fauci and Ashcroft laugh at Reporter #1 ]

John Ashcroft: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re out of time, so, in conclusion, I’d like to say again: live your lives as normal, and just be strong, and just be vigilent, just be confident, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Botox


01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Botox

…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Winona Ryder
…..Amy Poehler


Ana Gasteyer: I deserve a younger me..

Voiceover: Botox.

Maya Rudolph: I’m not ready to lose my.. “wow”!

Voiceover: Botox.

Winona Ryder: I want a paralyzed face, but I’m too young for a stroke.

Voiceover: Botox.

Ana Gasteyer: It gently smoothes away wrinkles the natural way.

Amy Poehler: By crippling the nervous tissue in your face.

Maya Rudolph: With a diluted strain of deadly bacteria.

Voiceover: Deadly bacteria.

Winona Ryder: It’s like a little stroke you shoot into your head with a needle. I like that.

Maya Rudolph: If someone told you all you had to do to get younger-looking skin was to inject a syringe full of military-grade neurotoxin into your face every three weeks.. wouldn’t you do it?

Ana Gasteyer: Of course, you would! [ needle is inserted into her forehead ]

Amy Poehler: Poison to the face – why didn’t they think of this before? [ chuckles with delight as needle is injected into her forehead ]

Maya Rudolph: Botox. It’s not just for ethnic cleansing any more. [ needles are injected into her forehead and chin ]

Voiceover: Botox. Ask your doctor.

[ four women are seen drooling at the mouth from the poison injections ]

Winona Ryder: [ mumbling ] Botox. A younger-looking you is just a needle full of poison to the face away.

SNL Transcripts

Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe


01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Lynn Cheney…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan


[ open on exterior, mountain area ]

[ SUPER: “An Undisclosed Location” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Vice-Presidnet Dick Cheney seated at desk ]

Lynn Cheney: Dick, it’s late. It’s late, and it’s Christmas Eve. Come to bed, we’ve got a big day tomorrow.

Dick Cheney: I want to finish up some up this paperwork. Besides, no one’s going to visit us tomorrow, because they don’t now where we are.

Lynn Cheney: You’re a good man, Dick.

Dick Cheney: I try.

Lynn Cheney: Good night.

Dick Cheney: Good night, sugar. [ she exits ] Boy, what a year. Who could have foreseen this year, these things in store for us? Who could have foreseen the challenges that we’re now facing as a nation? [ holds up snowglobe ] how ya doing, buddy? Oh, we’ve seen a lot of Christmas together, the good and the bad. Remember that time I talked my buddy into sticking his tongue into that frozen mailbox? George was there so long that we almost missed the inauguration. Yeah. Looking at you, Tiny Tim, Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim’s mom, his dad.. I yearn for the simpler days. I know you can’t make it all go away, Snow Globe, but I know that your simple tone will always give me a few minutes of peace and joy. Thanks, Snow Globe. Thanks a lot.

[ camera zooms in on the snowglobe, whose characters bear suspicious resemblance to Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan ]

[ suddenly, Horatio, Jimmy, Chris and Tracy come alive, breaking into their familiar Christmas ditty ]Horatio Sanz: One…

[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

Jimmy Fallon: Two…

Horatio Sanz: One-

Jimmy Fallon: Two-

Horatio Sanz: Three-

Jimmy Fallon: Four!

[ they start playing ]

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-
Christmas is coming fast!”

Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what your poppa says-“

Horatio Sanz: “Christmas is gonna be a super bla-ast.

I don’t care if you think it’s cool-
You’d better get ready for a sweet-ass yule!

I don’t care what the papers say-
Christmas is number one.“

Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care about your grandma’s lies-
Christmastime equals fun-“

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care if you think I’m a goof-
I want to hear Santa landing on my roof.”

Horatio and Jimmy: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

SNL Transcripts