Month: October 2018

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Well, all in all a pretty hilarious news week, huh? A lot of very funny news this week.

First of all the Bush administraton released the newest Osama bin Laden tape, which, if you haven’t seen it, it’s like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you’ve ever had. It’s on video, rent that one.

Israel and Palestine are getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much that they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy’s. The’re fighting over a piece of land so small, they could only have an above-ground pool on it. piece of dirt so little, that if you found it inyor salad, you wouldn’t even send it back. It’s crazy.

And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Policy, a decision Russia is calling a “big mistake”. But it’s not a mistake – we’ve got that cool missile defense system, that thing’s ready to go, right? No? It’s not? They haven’t invented it yet? Oh, they could never do it, it’s impossible? Oh, great.

Then, they find more anthrax in Washington, in a place they had already “de-thraxed.” Guess they’re not as good as cleaning out the “thrax” as they thought they were! Good thing we never found any anthrax in this building… oh wait, we totally did!

So anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Good night! [ lays head down on newsdesk ] Back to you, Jimmy.

American Express announced that it’s cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, “Priceless.”

NBC will become the first broadcast television network to accept commercials for hard liquor in over 50 years. Not to be outdone, Fox is now showing ads for crack.

Tina Fey: With security tightened at U.S. airports, many travelers say that security patdowns are too initmate and intrusive, and are going too far, even among flight crews. One stewaress reported that, while being given a patdown, the hand of the female securrity guard cupped her breast, then lingered there before slowly moving down to explore her hard, taut belly. She became flushed as the woman’s hot breath filled her ear, while she slipped her other hand under her skirt, meandering up her thigh, until she found what she had been looking –

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic ]

[ cut back to Tina leaning back in her chair, and Jimmy pretending to smoke a pencil like a post-coital cigarette ]

Jimmy Fallon: Wow, that was a great joke… [ motions to touch Tina’s shoulder ]

Tina Fey: Don’t touch me!

Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named “Best New Sedizun of the Yizun” by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.

One of Osama bin Laden’s estranged wives is claiming that, rather than be captured, bin Laden has always planned to kill himself on television. “Of course,” she added, “he’s also been telling me he’s gonna put up that ceiling fan in our cave for, like, two years, so I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Playboy has launched a line of men’s underwear and loungwear, ranging from silk Hefner pajamas to glow in the dark shorts. The lines expected to be a big seller among guidos.Tina Fey: Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Tina! You are looking good, as always. We will talk about that at the party, because you make my heart beat, girl!

So, now is the time to buy Christmas presents for your wife, and you don’t have to spend a lot of money to show you care. Like, here’s one idea – make up a little coupon book with things like “Good for one free back rub”. I gave one to my eife last year. It had coupons like a “Come Home Now” card, which means anytime, day or night, she could call me wherever I was, and I would leave the strip club immediately and come home right away, or at least in a few hours.

I also gave her a coupon for a fancy romantic dinner. Now, you may ask do I consider spicy buffalo wings at the dog track a fancy dinner? Yes, I do!

Tina Fey: Tracy, your wife might like it if you bought her something from an actual store.

Tracy Morgan: Well, Tina, there’s always the classics, like a nice pair of Isotoner gloves, or a Toni Morrison book, or a bag of weed. Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving. But dudes that really want to make Christmas romantic, here’s what you do – you go, you find yourself a nice Victoria’s Secret store, you buy some dirty-looking thongs and slide it under the tree, and tell her you can’t wait to see her in it. Because it’s all about making her think that when you two are doing it that you’re actually thinking about her. Now, we all know that you ain’t. You’re thinking about Toni Braxton or Jada Pinkett, or, in my case, the chubby red-headed girl that works in the NBC store downstairs. You know who you are, girl – you’re thick, you’re thick, you’re thick! [ growls ]

Now, I don’t feel bad about saying all this about my wife, because she sure as hell ain’t thinking about me. How do I know? ‘Cause my name ain’t Denzel! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody.

Ingless, Florida Mayor Caroline Ricsher made headlines last week when she officially banned Satan from her town. So with a tear in his eye, Satan packed his bags and left, vowing one day to return to Florida – for your souls!

It was reported that Bryant Gumbel and his girlfriend Hillary Quinnlynn got engaged last week. The couple are planning a white wedding – very, very white.

Jimmy Fallon: Monday marks the star-studded premiere of “The Lord of the Rings” starring Elijah Wood as Frido and Ian McKellen as Randolph.

Tina Fey: Wait, I think you mean Frodo and Gandalf –

Jimmy Fallon: Nerd Alert! Nerd!!

A scientist for the Wildlife Preservation Society is the first person to ever discover homosexual behavior in wild orangutans. When asked exactly how he discovered homosexual behavior, the scientist got really quiet.

Gary Busey was arrested for alleged abuse after his ex-wife Tiani complained the actor had abused her. To be fair, Busey had warned her not to sit so close to his enormous teeth on Steak Night.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is the last live show in 2001.

Tina Fey: That’s right, and on December 31st, at midnight, we will not only say goodbye to 2001, we will also say goodbye to our mayor. Ladies and gentlemen, his Honor, Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you very much!

Tina Fey: Now, Mr. Mayor, when your term ends on December 31st, you’ll be leaving City Hall, which raises the question – do you have to? Do you have to leave?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Yes, Tina, I have to.

Jimmy Fallon: Where are you going? Can we come with you?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No, Jimmy, you can’t go with me. Where I’m going is a lonely frontier of risk and solitude. A place no man has ever before dared to go. It’s not a place for tender beginners like you.

Jimmy Fallon: I thought you were going to be a consultant or something.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Whatever. You can’t come with me.

Jimmy Fallon: Understood. Well, we’d like to send you off with a little play we wrote. Tina will be playing the role of New York City, and I will be playing the role of you. [ places strip of costume hair across his head ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: How’s that look like me?

Jimmy Fallon: That’s your combover! [ starts to sing ]

“Tonight, you’re mine, completely
You gave your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?”

Tina Fey:
“Tonight, with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one.”

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani:
“But will my heart be broken?
When the night meets the morning sun?”

Tina Fey:
“I’d like to know that your love
Is a love I can be sure of.”

All:
“So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?”

Tina Fey: Will we still love you tomorrow? We’ll see.

Jimmy Fallon: We’re New Yorkers, what do you expect?

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: From New Yorkers, I expect nothing less.

Tina Fey: And we, as New Yorkers, want to thank you for holding us together in the hardest time we’ve ever known.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: And I’m Rudy Guiliani. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue

Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue

…..Ellen Degeneres

Ellen Degeneres: Wow, thank you very much! This is very exciting, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. It’s my first time, and it’s an honor and a thrill. And I love New York. This is exciting to be in New York. And I really do, you know? There are a lot of people who say it, but they don’t actually mean it. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. She said it, but I don’t buy it. You know, she’s gone as far as to get an apartment here – “Oh, I live here!” I don’t have an apartment here, you know? And I very rarely come here, so I mean it, I really do love New York.

And I love that I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I love a lot of the cast members, they’re fantastic. you know, some are not, but a lot of them are really good, so it’s really great to be here. They’ve been so nice to me all week long. Well, of course they have to be nice to me – I’m the host. Also, I go and tell the press that they’re homophobic, so they have to be nice.

But that’s another thing I should probably tell you – I’m not gay. I’ll tell you what happened – I was at a party, it doesn’t matter whose house it was, but.. alright, it was Mario van Peebles’ house. So, anyway, I’m with a whole bunch of people hanging out at the above ground pool, just a bunch of people, names are not important. Anyway, everyone’s telling stories, and everybody’s trying to top each other.. so LeVar Burton says he just went to Cancun. And then Gary Busey says, “I just got a mini-fridge.” And, if that’s not making me feel bad enough, then Kathy Griffin says, “I’m gonna start parting my hair down the side instead of in the middle.” You know, where do I go, what do I do to top that? So I said, “I’m gay.” And that shut them up.

But then the press got a hold of that and just went nuts with it and everything, and I thought I should just run with it, free publicity, it’s gonna be wonderful for my career. So I have to take a moment right now, though, and thank my wonderful husband Jerry. He’s been so supportive, staying home and keeping the house nice, while I’m out gaying it up, fruiting up the town, $3 billing it, throwing the old wet frisbee, winking at the pastor, all the things gays do. Anyway, he’s not complaining, he’s at home with a brand new ping-pong table and George Foreman Grill. So, God bless you, Jerry, it really takes a special man to put up with that.

Actually, it’s worked out pretty well for me, you know? One thing I’ve learned is, if you want to be America’s sweetheart, tell them you’re gay. It’s actually been fantastic, because people expect it from me, so I guess I’m gonna stick with it for a while – as opposed to other people.

We have a great show. No Doubt is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Will Ferrell Farewell

Will Ferrell Farewell

…..Main Cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Ana Gasteyer: I worked with Will for six years, and it was more fun than anything I’ve ever done or will probably ever do. He brought joy to everyone and everything he did. I’m going to miss him.

[ dissolve to Jimmy Fallon ]

Jimmy Fallon: It was hard for me to work with Will because every time I was in a sketch with him, he made me laugh. I probably ruined a lot of sketches, but I don’t care – I got to be on stage with Will Ferrell.

[ dissolve to Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch ]

Maya Rudolph: Performing can be scary, especially in front of a live audience. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend out there with you.

Rachel Dratch: Will Ferrell was our friend, and we’ll miss him.

[ dissolve to Darrell Hammond ]

Darrell Hammond: I loved Will Ferrell, plain and simple. I came into this place with him, and I loved being on stage with him. I’ve never worked with a more talented and kinder human being – ever.

[ dissolve to Horatio Sanz ]

Horatio Sanz: He’s the best. Uh, there will never be another Will Ferrell. There’ll be a lot of imitations, but.. um.. anyone who was around him, who was lucky enough to work with him, we know. They broke the mold with that guy.

[ dissolve to Chris Parnell ]

Chris Parnell: True story: this show fired me. Then they rehired me. First time that ever happened. Will Ferrell made that happen. How can I ever repay that? He was more than a great performer. He was my friend.

[ dissolve to Tina Fey ]

Tina Fey: I loved watching Will in a bad sketch, one that didn’t get any laughs, because he never gave up. He was the most fearless performer I’ve ever seen.

[ dissolve to Chris Kattan ]

Chris Kattan: Will’s like a brother to me. I love him, I really do. And not just because I worked with him on the show every week, and we made a movie together – those are the things I’ll cherish the rest of my life – but because he’s nice, he’s funny, and he’s my friend.

[ dissolve to Tracy Morgan ]

Tracy Morgan: [ in a different tone from the others ] I got a story! I got a interesting story about the time Will Ferrell stole my Walkman out my dressing room. He doesn’t know I know, but I know! I know a lot of stuff about Will Ferrell. Like the fact that he’s a cold, thievin’, selfish, evil dude! And don’t be thinkin’ he helped save Chris Parnell’s job, ’cause everybody around here knows he actually got Parnell fired, and tried to get his brother Patty Ferrell on the show! He smiles right up to your face, and two seconds later he go and talk behind you back to Lorne Michaels!

Here’s something – he gave a cigarette to my kid, my boy, my eight-year-old boy! That ain’t right! Will is messed up in the head! He’s cheatin’ on his wife, he’s always lookin’ to get his freak on. It’s sick! And I tell you something else – this may come as a little shock to you, but Will Ferrell hates the black man! He always has! From the moment I walked in this place, he’s been eyeing me like I’m suspicious or something! I know it! He’s not comfortable with black people, uh-uh, that’s because he’s a racist! Will Ferrell is headed for a huge fall! You’ll see! The backlash is coming, baby! It’s coming! People are gonna find out Will Ferrell is a loser!

[ Will Ferrell enters the scene ]

Will Ferrell: Tracy, Tracy..

Tracy Morgan: [ turns, changes attitude ] Heyyyy, Will.

Will Ferrell: What was that all about?

Tracy Morgan: Ain’t nothing, baby. Um.. everybody just decided to tell their stories and stuff, you know?

Will Ferrell: You mad at me about something?

Tracy Morgan: I.. I just don’t want you to go, bro’.

Will Ferrell: You know what? I.. I did steal your Walkman.

Tracy Morgan: I knew it.

Will Ferrell: And I do hate black people.

Tracy Morgan: Hey, no need to explain. How about after the show we, uh, skip the party and go straight on to the strip club. Larry and Chuckie and them is up there waiting on us.

Will Ferrell: I like the way you think.

Tracy Morgan: For a black man?

Will Ferrell: For my friend.

[ Tracy kisses Will’s cheek as they exit the scene ]

TV Funhouse

TV Funhouse

written by: Rob Smigel, Michael Gordon, Louis CK, Stephen Colbert, and Michelle Saks Smigel

Mr. Snowman: “If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm here at Christmas Town. The weather closed in only two days before Christmas Eve. And it all started from the cave of the abominable snow monster. He was as mean and big as the whole North Pole, and no one knew how to stop -“

I’m sorry. It just all seems so trivial right now. I mean, we’re still in Afghanistan, the country’s under seige , we’re getting warnings every week. What are we talking about here, an abominable snow monster? Ooh, a giant snow monster, I’m so scared! Let’s all worry about some crappy-ass snow monster. Come on, folks, you watch CNN. I’m holding three months of Cipro up my butt hole. And I’m supposed to pick up a freakin’ banjo and sing? Screw it, I can’t do this.

[ exits cartoon ]

[ SUPER: “The Narrator That Ruined Christmas” ]

[ cut to boy and girl sitting in den watching an empty TV screen ]

Boy: Where did he go?

Girl: I think he’s mad.

Boy: So Rudolph isn’t going to be saved from the Snow Monster this year?

Girl: I’m scared.

Mr. Snowman: Don’t you get it! It’s not important any more!

Boy: Huh?

Girl: Don’t make him angrier.

[ TV screen shows Mr. Snowman asleep on the toilet ]

Boy: Mr. Snowman?

Mr. Snowman: [ wakes up abruptly ] Hey! Can’t you see I’m busy!

Girl: But what about all the misfit toys?

Mr. Snowman: No one gives a –

[ Elf enters Mr. Snowman’s igloo home ]

Elf: Come on, Sam, won’t you tell the story?

Rudolph: We want to save Christmas.

Mr. Snowman: Oh, yeah? Well, this Christmas we’re gonna do something that matters. Meet us downtown.

[ cut to Santa’s home ]

Santa Claus: No smowstorm? No Snow Monster? What’s happening this year?

Mrs. Claus: It’s that narrating snowman, he’s so full of himself. He even left Christmas Town to meet some children.

Santa Claus: Well, where did they go?

[ cut to Mr. Snowman and company standing in front of Ground Zero in New York City ]

Rudolph: I don’t like Ground Zero.

Girl: Why are we here?

Mr. Snowman: It’s my responsibility as someone in the public eye. When they see me, it’ll help.

Boy;And why do we have to give blood? Don’t they have enough already?

Mr. Snowman: Trust me, you need to give blood more than they don’t need to get it.

Rudolph: But I want to save Christmas.

Mr. Snowman: [ to Cop ] Excuse me. I’m here to give these men a boost.

Cop: You can’t come through here. They’re very busy. Right this way, Mr. Stiller.

Mr. Snowman: Hey, why does Jerry Stiller get through? I’m the narrator from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.

Cop: Well, I don’t see you narrating.

Mr. Snowman: My left nut is more famous than Jerry Stiller.

[ Santa arrives ]

Santa?

Cop: Right this way, Mr. Claus.

Mr. Snowman: Hey, what the f–k?

Santa Claus: That’s alright, son, I understand. This is a difficult time. But telling the story of Rudolph is just what you should be doing. You should bring happiness to the children every year.

Mr. Snowman: Santa, please. I don’t think it’s appropriate.

Santa Claus: It’s not about you, douchebag. Don’t be so self-imposing. Don’t you see? You show biz types are just trying to shift the focus away from the crisis and onto yourselves. You’re an entertainer. It’s a simple job, okay? Do a dance, show us your boobs, and make us happy, monkey.

Kids: Yay!

Crowd: [ singing ]
You know you’re important with thoughts in your headBut it’s hard for us to take itSo get back in your cage, paint your ass redAnd shake, shake, shake, shake it!And shake, shake, shake, shake it!

Mr. Snowman: Okay, I guess I have been a bit of a skid mark. Let’s start from the beginning.

Kids: Yay!

Mr. Snowman: “If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm here at Christmas -“

[ cut to NBC News Special Report ]

Tom Brokaw: This is an NBC News Special Report. The FBI has placed the nation on a 45-minute alert. For the next 45 minutes, citizens are advised to panic and not to enjoy themselves. I’m Tom Brokaw. We now rejoin our regular programming.

[ Mr. Snowman breaks his banjo over his head in frustration ]

[ end ]

Winona Ryder’s Monologue

Winona Ryder’s Monologue

…..Winona Ryder
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tina Fey
…..Dean Edwards
…..Jeff Richards
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Will Ferrell
…..Lorne Michaels

Winona Ryder: Thank you so much! Thank you! It is so great, it is so great to be here, hosting my all-time favorite show, Saturday Night Live. I was so nervous to do the show, but I worked on a movie with Adam Sandler, who is an alumni here and he told me that I would have a great time – and he also told me to mention the movie we did together, Mr. Deeds, which opens, by the way, June 28. But I’m not here to plug the movie! I’m here to host the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

But I have to admit! You know, people have been acting a little strange around here, there’s alot of locking of doors, and shifty eyes, and alot of frisking!

(Tracy Morgan enters from the right)

Tracy Morgan: Word! Word!

Winona Ryder: Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Yo, I know how you feel, those dudes are always following me around man, makes me feel like I’m at a Korean grocery store, and I work here!

Winona Ryder: I know it’s weird, to my face, everyone always so sweet and nice, but I always feel like someone’s looking over my shoulder.

Tracy Morgan: They all nice to your face, that’s cause they don’t want you to know they set up security cameras this week.

(Winona Ryder appears to be surprised)

Winona Ryder: They set up security cameras because of me?

Tracy Morgan: No no no no no!

Winona Ryder: Well then why did they set them this week?

Tracy Morgan: Because! I can’t think of a lie right now! But these cameras are pretty cool. Check it out.

(Tracy takes a remote control from his pocket and points it away and presses a button)

(Cut to: Video camera surveillance of Saturday Night Live hallways.)

Tracy Morgan: See? Theres the hallway. Let’s check out Ana’s room.

(Cut To: Ana Gasteyer standing in her dressing room holding a booze bottle; Darrell Hammond sitting on a sofa with a book.)

Darrell Hammond: That is not – my – baby.

Ana Gasteyer: Oh really? Cause you’re the only man I have slept with for the past SIX years!

Darrell Hammond: So what?!

Ana Gasteyer: So! You’re the FATHER!!!

(Ana takes a swig of the bottle)

Darrell Hammond: Oh that’s great, that’s gonna help. The baby’s going to –

Ana Gasteyer: (Interrupting him) Don’t lecture me. Don’t lecture me, Darrell.

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: Let’s check out Tina’s room.

(Cut to: Tina Fey leaning over a faucet, facing a mirror, shaving her face.)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: You know what, let’s check on the new guys.

(Cut to: Dean Edwards, Jeff Richards, and Seth Meyers facing a picture of the Saturday Night Live cast. An ‘X’ is marked over Will Ferrell in the picture.)

Seth Meyers: Okay, so Will’s leaving, and Kattan, I mean he’s been here for like six years, hopefully he’ll leave.

Dean Edwards: Hey, you think Tracy’ll leave?

(Seth and Jeff laugh)

Seth and Jeff: No way.

(Cut to: Jimmy Fallon slying around in Lorne Michael’s office, near a coffee pot)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Here’s Lorne’s office. Ah, Jimmy’s not supposed to be drinking Lorne’s coffee.

(Jimmy picks up the coffee pot, urinates in it and puts it back)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Uh-oh. Oh good, he’s not.

(Cut to: Amy Poehler beating on a door, seemingly trapped.)

Amy Poehler: Let me out of here! Anybody?! Open the door!

Voice of Tracy Morgan: There’s my girl Amy.

Voice of Winona Ryder: Oh no, she’s crying, it looks liked she’s locked in her dressing room!

Voice of Tracy Morgan: No, no, that’s my dressing room.

Amy Poehler: (sobbing) Let me out of here!

(Cut to: Horatio Sanz in old lady drag, eating a banana while in front of a mirror.)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: And there’s Horatio’s dressing room.

Voice of Winona Ryder: I didn’t know we were doing a skit where Horatio dresses up as a woman.

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Uh, we’re not.

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: I got some stuff from last night too. You know it’s Will’s last show. Check this out.

(Cut to: Will Ferrell shaking a spray paint can, facing a wall that reads ‘See You Later Assh’, as he sprays an ‘o’ on the end.)

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: See? They watch everybody. Nobody thinks you’re gonna take anything. Everything’s gonna be alright.

Winona Ryder: Aw, that’s sweet, Lorne told me that last night.

Tracy Morgan: I got that too. You wanna see it?

Winona Ryder: Oh! Yeah!

(Cut to: Video footage of Winona and Lorne in a room)

Lorne Michaels: Friday’s the hard day. I think we’re gonna be alright tomorrow.

Winona Ryder: Aw, thank you so much for having me. And thank you so much for being so great about everything, you know, everything.

(Lorne kisses her cheek as they hug and he begins to walk out of the room)

Winona Ryder: Aw, I love you, Lorne.

(Video camera shows Lorne leaving the room, then Lorne pats down his pockets, approves, and walks away.)

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Winona Ryder: Wow.

Tracy Morgan: Okay, I’ll check on you later, Shorty, and have a good show, babe!

Winona Ryder: Okay! I will! Because Moby is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Thanks to Michael none for this transcript!

CBS Terrorist Update

CBS Terrorist Update

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond

Dan Rather: Good evening. This is a CBS News Special Report: The War on Terror. Dan Rather reporting. Here are the latest developments at this hour: moments ago, the FBI released what it calls a clearer audio-enhanced version of the Osama bin Laden videotape, first made public two days ago. The newly-translated version adds chilling details to what we already know about the events of September 11th, and, according to the FBI, removes any doubt as to bin Laden’s role. in the portion you are about to see, with the voice of a translator added, bin Laden is seen describing the moment the hijackers first learned from ringleaders the full nature of the plot.

[ dissolve to video of Osama bin Laden centered between Shaykh al Ghamdi and ]

[ text scrolls upward awkwardly, as Translator reads: ]

OBL:
I received a call on my cell-phone from Mohammed Atta. “Osama”, he said, “I just told the men the rest of the plan, and they want to talk to you. They have some suggestions for an alternate plan.”

“What about this,” one of them asked. Instead of wrecking the planes, we buzz the city several times, so that the non-believers will be filled with fear. Then we fly straight to Kabul.”

I told them my plan was better.

“Alright, how about this,” they said.

“We hijack the planes and fly them to Somalia for ransom. Then truly will the infidels know fear, from their greatest cities to their smallest village.”

“Ransom?” I replied. “This plan is not about money. We don’t want money.”

“But wait, they said, “aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about having to pay for everything?”

“Not anymore,” I said. “And anyway, how does your plan grant you the martyrdom you seek? Do you not crave martyrdom?”

“Of course we hunger for martyrdom,” they answered, “but not necessarily at this time. Some of us feel that if we put off our martyrdom for a few months, a year, whatever, when it finally does come, we will appreciate it more.”

“I still like my plan,” I said. “And mine grants you instant martyrdom.”

“What about this,” they said. “We hijack the planes to Yemen, then exchange the hostages for our brothers held in Israeli prisons. Then, at that point, any of our group who feel they still crave martyrdom could simply swallow some Anthrax spores, or lie down on railroad tracks.”

“There are no railroads in Yemen,” I pointed out.

“Fine, they can step on some land mines, or run their jeeps with the garage door shut, whatever. The point is, they can still have martyrdom. And besides, many scholars of the Koran have said that leading a long full life of service to Islam is, in a sense, the highest form of martyrdom.”

“I don’t know where you got that,” I told them. “I have never heard that. Besides, we have already begun my plan. Let’s just see it through.”

“But we can always do your plan,” they said.

“Why not try our plan, and then we can try yours later, or someone else can try it. It doesn’t even have to be us.”

I explained to them, that while I appreciated their suggestions, and they were well thought out, I still preferred my plan. I wished them good luck, and told them I would be cheering them on, and that in about thirty years I hope to meet them in Paradise.

“Alright, Osama, fine. We’ll stick wih your plan. But while we’re doing our part, just out of curiosity,” they asked – and this is when your name came up, Shaykh – “How are you and “Fat Boy” contributing to Jihad today? No, seriously, really, how do you and “Tubby” plan to smite the non-believers?”

I explained that you have a thyroid condition, and that their remark was uncalled for. “No, truly,” they said, “we want to know, what does “Tons-of-Fun have in mind today to bring the infidel to his knees. Oh no, let us guess. He maybe won’t eat his tenth platter of lamb kabob.” Forgive me, Shaykh. This was the truth of our conversation.

Shaykh Al Ghamdi:
Allah be praised. What happened next?

OBL:
They complained for a few minutes about some back-pay they claimed I owed them. Then one of them got on the phone and said, “Osama, I have one last request. Why don’t you and “The Blimp” take your personal copies of the Koran, and all your little fatwas, roll them up in a nice tube, stuff them up (inaudible) and set fire to them? You can show the whole thing on Al Jazeera.”

Then they hung up.

Shaykh Al Ghamdi:
Praise Allah.

[ dissolve back to Dan Rather ]

Dan Rather: Just a portion of this disturbing document. As a programming note, CBS News will be broadcasting this tape in its entirety and throughout the week on “The Early Show with Bryant Gumbel and Jane Clayson”. And, in the meantime, in case anybody cares, I still don’t have anthrax – yet. But I’ll be here to bring you any new developments the moment we get them. For now, this is the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather reporting, saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

The Culps

The Culps

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy…..Ellen DeGeneres
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: Hello, holiday shoppers. I’m Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy, the director of holiday activities here at the Oakhurst Mall. Thank you. Now, before we present our living nativity, security has asked me to make a few announcements. The actor playing Santa Claus – what? Oh, geez. The real Santa Claus is taking a break while he receives medical attention for his scratched cornea. And now, we take you to a faraway land where two weary travelers search for a place to rest on a starry night. And one bright star shone on!

(The Culps enter, dressed as Mary and Joseph. Bobbi is pregnant.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test.

Marty Culp: Check, test, one, two.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. Whoo!

Marty Culp: Boy!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’ll tell ya.

Marty Culp: This is not a hot mic at all.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No, not one bit – crystal clear.

Marty Culp: Crystal clear.

(As they shout tongue-twisters, the microphone gives off feedback.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Way too soon on that one.

Marty Culp: Yeah.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Mary, a.k.a. Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Marty Culp: And I’m Joseph, begat of Marty Culp. Normally we head up the music department at Alta Dena Middle School. But tonight, we’re here in Bethlehem, to bring in a pretty cool little fella.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We’re so down with him we think of him as the Prince of Peace Out.

Marty Culp: My lady friend is full with child, and there is no room at the end. Big lesson about travel planning, people.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It’s no – no picnic birthing in a barn, gang. Call ahead, call ahead. Dig in.

Marty Culp: You know, I would like to ask all the employees at the Relax the Back store across the way there to relax the middle fingers you’re holding up right now. That’s just unbelievably rude.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It is. Especially giving what we’re doing. It’s a pageant. It’s a pageant. Hark! Here come yonder visitors. How about that?

(Cheryl returns dressed up as a wise man, holding packages of gifts. Attached behind her are two inanimate wise men.)

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: I am – we am – we are three wise men. I will speak on behalf of all of us because I am more confident in front of groups.

Marty Culp: And what gifts do you bring?

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: Well, uh, we bring a bounty of gifts from the Oakhurst Mall: a country raspberry candle from Illuminations, and a shampoo and blow dry shaving at Regis Hair Salon gift certificate, and a water bra from Victoria’s Secret.

Marty Culp: These gifts will serve him well.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Sure will.

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: And now, because this mall is non-denominational, we will pay. Call Baby Jason, Jason Crisp, and I think I know who we’re talking about, people, here. (knocks elbows against two imanimate wise men)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So in honor of the savior – can we say that? No?

Marty Culp: No? Can’t say that? Sorry about that. So, in honor of Jason Crisp, we shall bring it home with a special birthday treat for the funky fresh king that was born on Crisp-mas Day. One, two, three, four…

(start playing Christmas music)

Culps: “O ye come down in Bethlehem,
how simply see that…”

(tempo changes to Pink’s “Get the Party Started”)

“He’s… coming out,
so you better get this party started!”

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “He’s coming out, he’s coming out!”

Culps: “He’s… coming out,
so you better get this party started!”

(tempo changes to “Do You Hear What I Hear?”)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Do you hear what I hear?”

Marty Culp: “Said the night wind to the little clouds…”

(tempo changes to Eve and Gwen Stefani’s “Let Me Blow Ya Mind”)

Culps: “It took a while to get me here,
and I’m gonna take my time!”

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Don’t fight that good shh in your ear…”

All: “Now let me blow ya mind!”

(tempo changes to “We Three Kings”)

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “We three kings of Orient are,
bearing gifts, we traveled so far…”

(tempo changes to Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me”)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah,
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!”

Culps: “If you wanna go and take a ride with me,
we three-wheelin’ in the fo’ with the gold D’s,
oh why do I live this way?”

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Must be the money!”

(tempo changes to “The First Noel”)

Culps: “The first noel,
the angels did say…”

(tempo changes to Mary J. Blige’s “Family Affair”)

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Don’t need no hater-ation, holla-ration…”

Culps: “In this dancery!”

Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Let’s get it percolatin’ while you’re waitin’…”

Culps: “So just dance for me!”

Marty Culp: (in high-pitched voice) “One more time!”

(tempo changes to Daft Punk’s “One More Time”)

Marty Culp: “One more time!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I wanna celebrate, oh yeah!”

Marty Culp: “One… one more time!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains…”

All: “Glo-o-o-o-o-ria…
Let him blow your mi-i-i-i-i-nd!”

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell
Gay Hitler…..Chris Kattan
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
…..Real Neil Diamond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

A new Palestinian proposal would allow Yassar Arafat to serve as a symbolic leader, while leaving the governing to “professionals”. This is based on the system already in place here in the U.S. [ show Bush and Cheney ]

In the second installment of Fox’s “Celebrity Bocing”, former Olympic gold medal gymnast Olga Korbut will fight “Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire” winner Darva Conger. Olga Korbut says she’s gonna give Darva Conger such a beating that, when it’s over, she’ll look like.. Olga Korbut.

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced this week that President Bush was given a CIA memo last August, warning that Osama bin Laden might try to hijack airplanes. Fleischer said this has taught us a valuable lesson – never give the President anything important to read while he’s watching “SpongeBob SquarePants”.

Oprah Winfrey has named hern ew $51 million estate Tara II, after Scarlet O’Hara’s plantation in “Gone With The Wind”. Meanwhile, Sally Jesse Raphael renamed her new estate Apartment 4-B.

Luciano Pavaratti cited the flu as the reason for not performing at the Metropolitan Opera’s season-ending show. Though insiders say it’s odd that Pavaratti’s “flu” just so happened to coincide with Blimpies’ grand opening on 96th Street.

New Yorks Cardinal Egan has planned to tap wealthy Catholic donors for a fund to help falsely accused priests pay their legal bills. All he needs now is one falsely accused priest.

CBS announced plans for a “Batman” reunion movie, featuring Adam West and Burt Ward. When producers called to pitch the project, Ward said he had to check his schedule, then put his hand over the phone, counted to ten, then said, “Okay, I’m available.”

Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is “Baby Panic”. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table – “Where Are The Babies?”, “Why Haven’t You Had A Baby?”, and “For God’s Sake, Have A Baby!” Thanks, Time Magazine, just what I need – another article so depressing, I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.

According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career womem shouldn’t wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia’s right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia’s message is basically that feminism can’t change nature – which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac – but she’s not.

Ladies, there’s no reason to panic, though. It’s out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn’t. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70’s, when the only fertility aid was Harley’s Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I’m going to have to take. And I don’t think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It’s gross. I’d rather adopt a baby, I don’t need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright.

Dratch, Poehler, Maya? how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlett?

Together: We hated Sylvia Hewlett!!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.

Amy Poehler: My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian. So, you know, Ill just buy one of those.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III, and holding out for the chick from “Alias”.

Rachel Dratch & Amy Poehler: Yeah..

Tina Fey: You’re not gonna get the chick from “Alias”!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, why don’t you just shut up and put a baby in here! [ encompasses her crotch ]

Amy Poehler: You guys want to go and, uh, stare at Ana some more.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah!

Rachel Dratch: Okay!

[ they run off the set ]

Tina Fey: Back to you, Jimmy.

According to FBI documents, O.J. Simpson has allegedly been letting a drug dealer stay in his guest house and drive his children to school. In his defense, O.J. points out that, if the drug dealer didn’t drive the kids to school, they’d have to ride with a murderer.

San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong, it shook the gay out of him.

Golfer Kristi Kerr won the LPGA Lawn & Drugs Challenge, in the first victory in the LPGA Tour. In what will hopefully become a tradition on the Women’s Tour, Kerr celebrated by kissing a huge lucite penis.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, it’s our last show of the year, and we’re saying goodbye to a dear friend of ours.

Tina Fey: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Neil Diamond.

[ Neil Diamond enters in front of the Update desk ]

Neil Diamond: Thank you! Thank you very much, Rhea Perlman. [ pause ] Well, folks, it’s the end of the line for ol’ Neil Diamond. That’s right, I’m retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs.. sex swing in the basement.. this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out – you know, the American Dream. Anyway, I’d like to say farewell to my favorite hombres, here at the “Cheers” reunion, with this little miracle from 1966. Hit it!

[ singing ]

“Oh, my baby loves me
yeah, yeah, she does!
Oh, the girl’s out of sight now!
She said she loves me
yeah, yeah, she does!
Oh, she’s gonna show me the night now!

Hey!
She got the way to move me
Cherry Cherry!
She got the way to groove me..”

[ stops ]

You know, this sounds like a world-class terd. I need some back-up. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2002 Weekend Update All-Stars! Gay Hitler! [ Gay Hitler enters ] Geraldo Rivera! [ Geraldo Rivera enters ] Drunk Girl! [ Drunk Girl enters ] And, of course, the Real Neil Diamond!

[ the Real Neil Diamond enters ]

Real Neil Diamond: I love you, baby.. but I think you should leave this to the professionals! Come on, boys, let’s do it!

[ singing ]

“She got the way!
She got the way!
She got the way to groove me, Cherry!”

Everyone: “She got the way to move me, Cherry!”

Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond! Gay Hitler! Drunk Girl! Geraldo Rivera! The Real Neil Diamond! I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Love-ahs

Love-ahs

Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Clarissa…..Winona Ryder
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon

Camera shows a young couple cuddling in a hot tub outside a motel room]

Clarissa: Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake.

Dave: Alright, that sounds fun.

[They begin to kiss and cuddle more, but are interrerupted by Roger and Virginia]

Roger: Excuse me, is there anymore room for two more love-ahs in the ha-tub?

Dave: No way, this cant be happening.

Clarissa: Sure, theres plenty of room for you! Another whole side.

Virginia: Ohh. Come! Come love-ah! Wonderful

[They both disrobe and slowly get in]

Clarissa: Here let me help you. Do you need a hand?

Roger: Oh yes, thank you.

Virginia: Ohh. Come Roger! Oooh! The warm water soothes my tired hunches.

Clarissa: Nice.

Roger: Hello. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.

Clarissa: Oh! Well hi. Im Clarissa and this is my boyfriend Dave.

[She caresses him]

Dave: Oh come on honey, why dont we just go back to the room.

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Clarissa: But wait, we just got in!

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Virginia: What love-ah, what is it?

Roger: Ahh! Ohh! Virginia, regard, is that not the Dave we encountered on our last stay?

Virginia: Well look, so it is!

Both- Dave!!

Virginia: So Dave, what brings you back to the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel? Is it the romantic setting? Spectacular views? Or the build-your-own-omelet station?

Dave: Uh, actually, it was

[Roger cuts him off]

Roger: My love-ah and I work up a ravenous appetite after a night of arracious love-making.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Nothing satisfies like a post-coital omelet of your own design prepared by four-star chef, Chuck Vialobous!

Virginia: Sounds wonderful!

Dave: Uhh why dont we just go back to the room?

Roger: Nonsense, there is no greater aphrodisiac than the ha-tub.

Dave: Its hot tub, not ha-tub.

Roger: You say hot tub, I say ha-tub, no matter.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Uh Dave, I must assure you that beneath the surface of these very waters a virtual ant farm of activities is taking place.

Virginia: Thighs grazing. Leg hairs combing cleanly. Hands eagerly following famaliar paths to playfully grope that secret cul-de-sac!

Dave: Oh man.

[Clarissa appears excited]

Roger: Oh! To love-ahs old and new! Quick! Lets form a human chain!

Virginia: Oh! A human chain!

[Virginia moves besides Clarissa and Roger moves beside Dave as they form the human chain]

Clarissa: Ok!

Dave: No, No, No! Thank you, No, No!

Clarissa: Relax lover!

Virginia: Relax! Slide over!

Dave: Please! Easy there, Roger.

Virginia: Were a human chain!

Clarissa: Oh, this is fun!

Roger: Yes!

Virginia: Oh! You must join us on our hike to Lake Chamberlain!

Clarissa: Oh! Wed love that!

Virginia: Mmm, yes!

Roger: Tonight at midnight, like giggling teenagers, love-ahs forth shall creep to Lake Chamberlain, strewing briefs and panties at waters edge.[Touches Daves lips]

Virginia: Yes! Roger and I slather our bodies in lake sediment

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: And then we make haste to the Lake Chamberlain Recreational Center, where we MAKE LOVE on each and EVERY picnic table!!

Clarissa: Oh love-ah, we must join them!

Dave: Whats gotten into you?

Clarissa: I dont know, maybe its being here in this ha-tub!

Dave: Ok. Ok. Ok!! Whos hand is on my cul-de-sac??!

Roger: What?

Dave: What?

Virginia: Oh! Would anyone care for Roast Capas??

[Roger retrieves large pieces of chicken on a platter from behind the hot tub]

Roger: Roast Capas!

Clarissa: Roast Capas!

Virginia: Oh! No soak would be complete without the sensual delight of tiny roast chickens! Capas!!

[The Clarvins start eating the same piece of chicken on different ends while Dave looks on in disgust]

Roger: [to the sky] Chuck Vialobous, you have out-done yourself!! Clarissa, you must really indulge!

Virginia: Indulge!

[Clarissa takes bite]

Clarissa: Oh honey, its delicious! Try it, its intoxicating!

Dave: Yeah, they tried this crap the last time.

Roger: Wine from Libidos? {sprays wine from a jug on all of their mouths, including Daves}

Dave: Uh, no thank you. No thank you.

Virginia: Wonderful! Its wonderful!

Clarissa: Its great!

Roger: Virg, do you remember the first time we ate Capas?

Virginia: Yes!

Dave: Let me guess.[roger sprays more wine in his mouth while hes talking] Let me guess. You were back at the university, traveling through Spain right? When you met your friend, Ted Johnsung or something. You went into a small tavern and sucked the grease off Teds fingers and had a gross three-way all night long!

Roger: No, silly! No, they were on sale at the A.M.P. and I said, Virg, lets try some of those tiny chickens.

Virginia: THEN, we had a 3-way all night long with A.M.P. night manager, Marcus Daylevega!

Dave: [fed up and angry] Ok! Thats it! Im going back to the room! GOOD NIGHT!!

[he gets out of the hot tub, leaving the Clarvins and Clarrisa. The Clarvins cuddle up with one another.]

Clarissa: Oh! Suit yourself, love-ah! Ill shortly be there to caress you with hands pruning with chicken grease and chlorine!

Dave: Gross!

Clarissa: [while eating chicken] Oh Roger and Virginia, you have helped me see what love is all about! I will shout it to the night sky and the mountain tops and across the road to the Econo Lodge!! {stands up, shouting to the sky} I am a love-ah! I AM a love-ah! I AM A whoa! {she slips and falls and hits her head on the side of the hot tub, apparently leaving her unconscious}

Virginia: Ooh!

Roger: She slipped and fell.

Virginia: Yes, sweet love-ah. I have a splendid idea!

Roger: Yes?

Virginia: Lets make love next to her unconscious body!

Roger: I can think of no greater achievement!

Virginia: Yes!

{she and Roger embrace, as Clarissa comes to}

Roger: Oh, Love-ah!

Clarissa: Oww, my back!

Virginia: What?

Clarissa: My back!

Virginia: Love-ah, is it your back?

Roger: No you dumbass! How could that possibly be my voice? Now get the HELL OFF ME!

{Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black}

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!