Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 12
The Love Boat, The Next Generation
Captain Jean-Luc Pitard…..Patrick Stewart
Deanna Troi…..Julia Sweeney
Number One…..Chris Farley
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Rivers…..David Spade
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Captain Jean-Luc Picard V/O: Captain’s Log: Stardate 45944.7 We are scheduled to pick up several special passengers at Starbase 8.[ dissolve to close-up of Picard and Data at the Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Estimated time of arrival, Mr. Data?
Data: At present warp speed, 1.7 hours, Captain.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Very good, Mr. Data! Set a heading.. for romance.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: You heard me, Data. Set a course.. [ dons cruise ship captain’s hat ] ..for love![ dissolve to theme and montage footage from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” The model of the Starship Enterprise is combined with a model of the Pacific Princess. ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard V/O: Love. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Pacific Princess. Its continuous mission to explore passion, and boldy go to romantic ports of call.[ pot up theme from “The Love Boat” ] [ logo: “The Love Boat: The Next Generation” ] [ SUPER: “Starring your Love Boat Crew” ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Jean-Luc Picard as Your Captain”, Picard looking out with binoculars and smiling ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Data as Your Android Purser”, Data leaning off the inside rail ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Geordi La Forge as Your Bartender”, Geordi surrounded by mixed drinks and assortments and doing the traditional Isaac double-point ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Worf as Your Security Officer”, Worflooking displeased as he grips his metal wand ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Deanna Troi as Your Cruise Director”, Deanna turning around nd smiling as she clutches her itinerary ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Number One as Number One”, Number One playfully pointing his lasers ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “and Whoopi Goldberg as Goinan”, Goinan folding hands ] [ SUPER: “Created by Gene Rodenberry and Aaron Spelling” ] [ dissolve back to the deck, tight shot on Deanna Troi and Data ]
Deanna Troi: Data, are you looking forward to the Valentine’s cruise?
Data: St. Valentine. A Christian martyr, beheaded on February 14th, by the Roman empire. Curious. A beheading commemorated by the display of affection. I do not understand the human emotion of love.
Deanna Troi: Oh, Data.. there’s more to it than that. Don’t you agree, Worf?
Worf: To a Klingon warrior, beheadings are romantic.[ Captain Picard enters ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Number One! Are the passengers ready to board?
Number One: Yes, Captain!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Energize![ Charo and a casually-dressed space alien are beamed onto the ship. Deanna Troi approaches them ]
Deanna Troi: Charo. Tog. Welcome aboard. I’m Deanna Troi, your Cruise Director.
Charo: Coochie-coochie-coo! Aye-yi-yi-yi!
Tog: Charo! Charo, what are you doing here? I thought you were cancelling yor ticket!
Charo: I thought you were cancelling your ticket!
Tog: And waste twelve bars of gold-pressed latinum?! I’d rather share a cabin!
Charo: Captain! We just broke up! We need an extra bed in the room!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Make it so, Number One.
Number One: Aye-aye, Captain.[ Number One exits with Charo and Tog ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: [ to Deanna Troi ] Counselor. Are you picking up anything? They seem like a cute couple.
Deanna Troi: I sense strong animosity between them, Captain, which hides a deeper passion. Also, I believe he intends to steal towels.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf, alert Housekeeping.
Worf: Yes, Captain. [ exits ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data? Energize.[ Joan Rivers and David Brenner are beamed onto the ship ]
Deanna Troi: The ship’s entertainment, Captain – David Brenner and Joan Rivers.
David Brenner: Hey, uh, did you ever notice when they beam you onboard, your underwear rides up on ya’? It’s like an intergalactic wedgie!
Joan Rivers: Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho! Look at this place, what a dump! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Who was my travel agent – Darth Vadar! Ah-ha-ha!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Sulu? Take their bags and show them to their room!
Mr. Sulu: Aye-aye, sir.[ Sulu exits with Joan Rivers and David Brenner ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data. Explain.
Data: Captain. The female, Joan Rivers, is a renowned comedienne, and home-shopping personality. However, my memory banks show no record of a David Brenner.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm..[ dissolve to footage of Starship Enterprise/Pacific Princess soaring through space, over triumphant theme music ] [ dissolve to the outdoor lounge area, where Geordi watches from the bar. A casually-dressed human stands at the bar,his back to the audience. ]
Geordi: Oh, what’s wrong, Doc?
Doc: Well.. [ the audience recognizes Bernie Kopell and applauds enthusiastically ] You know those two Cardassian twins I’ve been chasing?
Doc: They turn out to be male! Very attractive, though. It’s a crazy world, Isaac.
Geordi: That’s Geordi.
Doc: Right! Sorry.[ Worf, carring a shuffleboard pole, passes by Doc and Geordi, and stops as he approaches Captain Picard ]
Worf: Captain, you wish to see me?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf! The passengers have been complaining that you keep beating them at shuffleboard.
Worf: I must defeat all who oppose me, Captain!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: But, Worf. Old women and children?
Worf: The weak and the cowardly have no place in shuffleboard, sir!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf! Let the passengers win! Now, that’s an order!
Worf: [ fuming ] Ohhhh.. very well![ Captain Picard leaves Worf fuming, as he approaches Charo and Tog seated unhappily at a table ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: So. Have you two patched things up?
Charo: He snores, Captain!
Tog: Well, she urinates through her skin like a shark!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm.. [ steps away to a quiet area of the deck ] Guinan! Please report to the Aloha Deck![ Guinan materializes ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Guinan! These two are still bickering.
Guinan: Captain, my man! What seems to be the problem?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Do you have any idea how we can bring these two together?
Guinan: Aw, yeah, baby! Guinan got all the answers, heh heh heh heh! They got to get in touch, with what’s keeping them from touching, you dig? You see, what they need is to —
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Picard to Bridge! Get her out of here, quickly![ Guinan de-materializes ]
Guinan: Hey! Hey, hey hey — [ disappears completely ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data. Do you have any recommendations on how we can get this couple back together?
Data: Captain. Human affection, can often be stimulated, by alcoholic beverages. Theoretically.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm.. Geordi! Two banana daiquiris!
Geordi: Outta sight!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Blenders! Engage!
Data: I must remind you, Captain. At fulle frappe, we’ll drain the warp engines in 2.4 minutes.
Number One: Captain. What if we divert power from the life support on Fiesta Deck to the blenders?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Make it so, Number One![ Number One turns to work a side panel, as Picard brings the daiquiris to Charo and Tog ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Drink up!
Tog: I’m not drinking, with her.
Data: [ shakes his head ] It’s not working, Captain.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Red alert! [ alarm klaxons sound ] Bridge! Hard to starboard! Full impulse power! Engage![ lights flash, as the deck leans to the right. The gravity thrusts Charo into Tog’s arms ]
Tog: Charo! God, I missed you!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Well done, everyone![ zoom in on Geordi at the bar ]
Geordi: Outta sight![ dissolve to footage of Starship Enterprise/Pacific Princess soaring through space, over triumphant theme music ] [ dissolve to Picard and Data on the Captain’s deck ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Captain’s personal log: Stardate 45966.7. Once again, love has proved to be life’s sweetest reward.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Yes, Mr. Data.
Data: I think I finally understand love. Here, sir. It’s a valentine. For you. [ hands Picard a human heart ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Good lord, Data! It’s a human heart!
Data: Yes, sir. But it’s dipped in chocolate.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Oh, Mr. Data. You’ve got a lot to learn![ they lean back with a hearty laugh, as the scene freezes and a heart outline with the words “The End” surround them ] [ fade ]