Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 12
93l: Patrick Stewart / Salt-N-Pepa
The Love Boat, The Next Generation
Captain Jean-Luc Pitard…..Patrick Stewart
Data…..Rob Schneider
Deanna Troi…..Julia Sweeney
Worf…..Phil Hartman
Number One…..Chris Farley
Charo…..Melanie Hutsell
Tog…..Al Franken
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Rivers…..David Spade
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Geordi…..Tim Meadows
Doc…..Bernie Kopell
Captain Jean-Luc Picard V/O: Captain’s Log: Stardate 45944.7 We are scheduled to pick up several special passengers at Starbase 8.
[ dissolve to close-up of Picard and Data at the Captain’s Deck ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Estimated time of arrival, Mr. Data?
Data: At present warp speed, 1.7 hours, Captain.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Very good, Mr. Data! Set a heading.. for romance.
[ wide shot reveals Picard bracing a cruise ship’s steering wheel among the spaceship setting ]Data: Sir?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: You heard me, Data. Set a course.. [ dons cruise ship captain’s hat ] ..for love!
[ dissolve to theme and montage footage from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” The model of the Starship Enterprise is combined with a model of the Pacific Princess. ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard V/O: Love. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Pacific Princess. Its continuous mission to explore passion, and boldy go to romantic ports of call.
[ pot up theme from “The Love Boat” ] [ logo: “The Love Boat: The Next Generation” ] [ SUPER: “Starring your Love Boat Crew” ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Jean-Luc Picard as Your Captain”, Picard looking out with binoculars and smiling ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Data as Your Android Purser”, Data leaning off the inside rail ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Geordi La Forge as Your Bartender”, Geordi surrounded by mixed drinks and assortments and doing the traditional Isaac double-point ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Worf as Your Security Officer”, Worflooking displeased as he grips his metal wand ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Deanna Troi as Your Cruise Director”, Deanna turning around nd smiling as she clutches her itinerary ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “Number One as Number One”, Number One playfully pointing his lasers ] [ anchor lifts, reveals “and Whoopi Goldberg as Goinan”, Goinan folding hands ] [ SUPER: “Created by Gene Rodenberry and Aaron Spelling” ] [ dissolve back to the deck, tight shot on Deanna Troi and Data ]Deanna Troi: Data, are you looking forward to the Valentine’s cruise?
Data: St. Valentine. A Christian martyr, beheaded on February 14th, by the Roman empire. Curious. A beheading commemorated by the display of affection. I do not understand the human emotion of love.
Deanna Troi: Oh, Data.. there’s more to it than that. Don’t you agree, Worf?
Worf: To a Klingon warrior, beheadings are romantic.
[ Captain Picard enters ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Number One! Are the passengers ready to board?
Number One: Yes, Captain!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Energize!
[ Charo and a casually-dressed space alien are beamed onto the ship. Deanna Troi approaches them ]Deanna Troi: Charo. Tog. Welcome aboard. I’m Deanna Troi, your Cruise Director.
Charo: Coochie-coochie-coo! Aye-yi-yi-yi!
Tog: Charo! Charo, what are you doing here? I thought you were cancelling yor ticket!
Charo: I thought you were cancelling your ticket!
Tog: And waste twelve bars of gold-pressed latinum?! I’d rather share a cabin!
Charo: Captain! We just broke up! We need an extra bed in the room!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Make it so, Number One.
Number One: Aye-aye, Captain.
[ Number One exits with Charo and Tog ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: [ to Deanna Troi ] Counselor. Are you picking up anything? They seem like a cute couple.
Deanna Troi: I sense strong animosity between them, Captain, which hides a deeper passion. Also, I believe he intends to steal towels.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf, alert Housekeeping.
Worf: Yes, Captain. [ exits ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data? Energize.
[ Joan Rivers and David Brenner are beamed onto the ship ]Deanna Troi: The ship’s entertainment, Captain – David Brenner and Joan Rivers.
David Brenner: Hey, uh, did you ever notice when they beam you onboard, your underwear rides up on ya’? It’s like an intergalactic wedgie!
Joan Rivers: Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho! Look at this place, what a dump! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Who was my travel agent – Darth Vadar! Ah-ha-ha!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Sulu? Take their bags and show them to their room!
Mr. Sulu: Aye-aye, sir.
[ Sulu exits with Joan Rivers and David Brenner ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data. Explain.
Data: Captain. The female, Joan Rivers, is a renowned comedienne, and home-shopping personality. However, my memory banks show no record of a David Brenner.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm..
[ dissolve to footage of Starship Enterprise/Pacific Princess soaring through space, over triumphant theme music ] [ dissolve to the outdoor lounge area, where Geordi watches from the bar. A casually-dressed human stands at the bar,his back to the audience. ]Geordi: Oh, what’s wrong, Doc?
Doc: Well.. [ the audience recognizes Bernie Kopell and applauds enthusiastically ] You know those two Cardassian twins I’ve been chasing?
Geordi: Mmm-hmm.
Doc: They turn out to be male! Very attractive, though. It’s a crazy world, Isaac.
Geordi: That’s Geordi.
Doc: Right! Sorry.
[ Worf, carring a shuffleboard pole, passes by Doc and Geordi, and stops as he approaches Captain Picard ]Worf: Captain, you wish to see me?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf! The passengers have been complaining that you keep beating them at shuffleboard.
Worf: I must defeat all who oppose me, Captain!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: But, Worf. Old women and children?
Worf: The weak and the cowardly have no place in shuffleboard, sir!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Worf! Let the passengers win! Now, that’s an order!
Worf: [ fuming ] Ohhhh.. very well!
[ Captain Picard leaves Worf fuming, as he approaches Charo and Tog seated unhappily at a table ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: So. Have you two patched things up?
Charo: He snores, Captain!
Tog: Well, she urinates through her skin like a shark!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm.. [ steps away to a quiet area of the deck ] Guinan! Please report to the Aloha Deck!
[ Guinan materializes ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Guinan! These two are still bickering.
Guinan: Captain, my man! What seems to be the problem?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Do you have any idea how we can bring these two together?
Guinan: Aw, yeah, baby! Guinan got all the answers, heh heh heh heh! They got to get in touch, with what’s keeping them from touching, you dig? You see, what they need is to —
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Picard to Bridge! Get her out of here, quickly!
[ Guinan de-materializes ]Guinan: Hey! Hey, hey hey — [ disappears completely ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data. Do you have any recommendations on how we can get this couple back together?
Data: Captain. Human affection, can often be stimulated, by alcoholic beverages. Theoretically.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hmm.. Geordi! Two banana daiquiris!
Geordi: Outta sight!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Blenders! Engage!
Data: I must remind you, Captain. At fulle frappe, we’ll drain the warp engines in 2.4 minutes.
Number One: Captain. What if we divert power from the life support on Fiesta Deck to the blenders?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Make it so, Number One!
[ Number One turns to work a side panel, as Picard brings the daiquiris to Charo and Tog ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Drink up!
Tog: I’m not drinking, with her.
Data: [ shakes his head ] It’s not working, Captain.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Red alert! [ alarm klaxons sound ] Bridge! Hard to starboard! Full impulse power! Engage!
[ lights flash, as the deck leans to the right. The gravity thrusts Charo into Tog’s arms ]Tog: Charo! God, I missed you!
Charo: Coochie-coochie!!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Well done, everyone!
[ zoom in on Geordi at the bar ]Geordi: Outta sight!
[ dissolve to footage of Starship Enterprise/Pacific Princess soaring through space, over triumphant theme music ] [ dissolve to Picard and Data on the Captain’s deck ]Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Captain’s personal log: Stardate 45966.7. Once again, love has proved to be life’s sweetest reward.
Data: Captain?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Yes, Mr. Data.
Data: I think I finally understand love. Here, sir. It’s a valentine. For you. [ hands Picard a human heart ]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Good lord, Data! It’s a human heart!
Data: Yes, sir. But it’s dipped in chocolate.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Oh, Mr. Data. You’ve got a lot to learn!
[ they lean back with a hearty laugh, as the scene freezes and a heart outline with the words “The End” surround them ] [ fade ]