Author: Don Roy King

Crosstalk

David Gregory…..Chris Parnell
Jennifer Lewis…..Cheri Oteri
Helen Gurley-Brown…..Ana Gasteyer
Calista Flockhart…..Rachel Dratch
Sarah from Illinois (on phone)…..Paula Pell

David Gregory: Good afternoon, welcome to “Crosstalk”, I’m David Gregory. Today’s topic jumps right off the cover of People magazine: How Thin is Too Thin? Are Hollywood’s leading ladies shrinking themselves down to a ridiculously unhealthy weight? Joining us from the Big and Beautiful Modeling Agency is plus-sized model and author, Jennifer Lewis. Jennifer, are these actresses too thin?

Jennifer Lewis: David, they are far too thin. Now, in my book, Shiny Hair, Pretty Eyes: Story of a Fat Girl, I talk about the dangers of glamourizing eating disorders. You see, I was a traditional model for years, and I was anorexic the whole time, David. It’s only after much therapy that I was able to eat again and maintain a healthy self-image.

David Gregory: It’s hard to imagine that you were once anorexic, Jennifer, because you’re so womanly now.

Jennifer Lewis: Thank you.

David Gregory: Such a full figure..

Jennifer Lewis: Thank you.

David Gregory: Compared to these actresses, you’re almost chubby..

Jennifer Lewis: Okay! Thanks! Now as I said, I am a plus sized model..

David Gregory: Yeah, you keep saying that. Now, what do you model? Is it like ponchos and shoes and berets?

Jennifer Lewis: Yes!

David Gregory: Alright. Also joining us, is former editor of Cosmopolitan magazine, Helen Gurley-Brown.

Helen Gurley-Brown: Thank you for having me, David. I just want to say that I don’t know what all the hubbub is. These girls look beautiful. I think we should embrace women of all types – thin women, slender women, tiny women, narrow women, svelte women.. there’s room for all of us on God’s green earth.

David Gregory: Well, amen to that. But, Helen, some people say that pictures in fashion magazines like Cosmo set up unrealistic expectations for young girls, and that leads to disorders.

Helen Gurley-Brown: Listen, I read Architectural Digest. It doesn’t make me want to be an office building. David, I’m 77 and I weigh 50 pounds. And I love food. I love to engage in sensous meals. For lunch today, I had a scallop and a packet of Sweet & Low. It was decadent.

Jennifer Lewis: [ shaking head ] No. No, see, that amount of food is not enough to sustain a healthy active woman. I mean, if you look at my book, David, you’ll see pictures of me at the height of my disorder. See, I was miserable. I was 85 pounds..

David Gregory: [ looking at book, purrs like a cat ] I’ll take it!

Jennifer Lewis: My hair was falling out..

David Gregory: Wow, these are some great shots. Who took them?

Jennifer Lewis: [ angry ] A nurse took them!

David Gregory: Wow.. well, they’re great. You know, if you airbrush out that IV, you could put post these on the Internet.

Jennifer Lewis: No, that’s not right!

David Gregory: Sure. These fragile, waifish, women are sexy. Extremely sexy. Like hot, wet, baby bird sexy. But are they healthy? Joining us now, from her set in Los Angeles, is a woman who’s been at the center of this controversy. Star of Fox’s “Ally McBeal”, Calista Flockhart. Calista, thank you for being with us today.

Calista Flockhart: You’re welcome, David.

David Gregory: Calista, how do you feel about all of this negative publicity?

Calista Flockhart: What I don’t understand is, why can’t a woman shed her baby fat without everyone thinking she’s starving herself to conform to some media-generated Hollywood aesthetic? I don’t have a problem with food. I’m just too busy to eat.

David Gregory: Okay, but does your gorgeous, perfect body put unnecessary pressure on fat young women like Jennifer?

Calista Flockhart: Women put pressure on themselves! I want a career and a husband and children, and I want passionate sex! And I want to be small enough to sleep in an envelope. I’m not asking for too much. I think I’m asking for just right.

David Gregory: Damn, you are a hottie. You make me feel big. [ catches his breath ] We have a call now from Sarah in Illinois. Sarah?

Sarah in Illinois (on phone): Hi. I just wanted to say that these women look sick. I want to know why you women do this to your bodies? But, more importantly, I want to know how you do it. Is there a specific diet, or a book I can read? What’s your secret?

Jennifer Lewis: It’s no mystery, Sarah. These ladies starve themselves.

David Gregory: Okay, I’m gonna interrupt you there, Jennifer, because I think you might be jealous, because maybe deep down, you’re fat. Helen, quickly, what’s your secret to staying thin and beautiful?

Helen Gurley-Brown: Well, actually David, I died six months ago. I’m finally at the weight I’ve always dreamed of. It’s luxurious.

David Gregory: Well, I think I’m in love. Let’s take a quick break!

SNL Transcripts

Inside the Actor’s Studio

James Lipton…..Will Ferrell
Clint Eastwood…..Norm MacDonald

James Lipton: Every once in a while, an actor graces the stage, who’s truly an icon of the American cinema. One such actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming Mr. Clint Eastwood. [ Clint takes the stage ] Actor. Director. Writer. Producer, Composer, Mayor. Which hat fits best?

Clint Eastwood: Well, I’m really not much of a hat person, but I guess I’d have to say that of a director. During the filming of “The Unforgiven”, why I..

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] Clint, you grew up.. in Depression-era California, where your parents were iterrant worker After high school, he worked as a lumberjack, played honky-tonk piano, and was a swimming instructor in the U.S. Army. How did this shape you as an actor?

Clint Eastwood: Well, uh, I believe the army gave me discipline as an actor. Now, when you’re out in the field..

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] In 1966.. a film was released, here in America, that would change your life: “Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo” Or, as American audiences would come to know it – “The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly”. Which, if you haven’t seen.. [ whispers ] ..marvelous! A film that in most people’s minds says, “This.. is.. Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood: Well.. uh.. that’s an interesting story. Now, I’ve got a.. I’ve got an interesting story for you, Lipton.

James Lipton: I’m sure our students would love to hear it.

Clint Eastwood: Well.. it’s about a fella with a.. neatly-trimmed beard. A fella, not unlike yourself. Well, this fella.. he liked pokin’ his nose where it didn’t rightly belong. Well, that fella woke up one morning and he noticed that his face was a little sore. That’s because while he was sleepin’, why someone had kicked most of his teeth in. Now, what do you make o’ that story?

James Lipton: [ laughs ] Delightful! [ grabs his next card ] Every once in a while, an actor creates a role that touches us in such a way, God himself says, “Bravo!” That role, for me, was that of Hogan in “Two Mules for Sister Sara”. In my opinion, one of the greatest roles ever to be captured on film.

Clint Eastwood: Well, that’s a hell of an opinion, and I’ve got an opinion of my own. You really like the sound o’ your own voice, don’t ya?

James Lipton: A reference to me. And now it’s time for the dreaded questions. [ giggles ] Let’s start with: What is your least favorite word?

Clint Eastwood: Neatly-trimmed beard.

James Lipton: What’s your favorite curse word?

Clint Eastwood: Well that’d have to be you.

James Lipton: And, finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Clint Eastwood: Well, I’d like to hear him say, as he doffed his cap to me, “Well, Clint, James Lipton is in Hell right now, being raped by the Devil.” I believe that would hit my ear just fine.

James Lipton: Clint Eastwood, on behalf of the Actor’s Studio, and the students before us, I thank you. Any final words?

Clint Eastwood: Well, Sir.. I have met some goddamned dirty sons of bitches in my time, and I have met some dirty goddamned sons of bitches. But, you Sir, are, without a doubt, the goddamnedest dirtiest son of a bitch I have ever met.

James Lipton: Eloquently put! Ladies and gentlemen, Clint Eastwood.
[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
French Stewart…..Jimmy Fallon
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. Before we begin the Double Jeopardyround, I’d like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from usingethnic slurs. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has seta new “Jeopardy” record with -$230,000.

Sean Connery: You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you, Trebek? What with your Diegomustache and your greasy hair!

Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From “3rd Rock From theSun”, French Stewart in second place with -$17,000.

French Stewart: I’m a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I’m gonna bloom!

Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commandinglead with $14.

Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that’s right. Turd Ferguson. It’s a funny name.

Alex Trebek: Great. Let’s take a look at the final board. And the categories are:”Potent Potables”; “Sharp Things”; “Movies That Start with the Word Jaws”; “APetit Déjeuner” – that category is about French phrases, so let’s just skip it.

Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You’re an assbite, pardon myFrench. [ does a quick laugh ]

French Stewart: My name’s French!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, who gives a damn?

Alex Trebek: Moving on.. “Animal Sounds”; “Condiments”; and finally, “Your Ass or aHole in the Ground”. Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you’re in the lead, so we’llstart with you.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I’ll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou.

Alex Trebek: That’s “Condiments”. For $400. “This condiment is made frommustard seeds”. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart.

French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I’ll take “Condiments” for $800, thank you.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: That’s not the right answer. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: That’s not my name.

Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?

Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!

Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t.

Alex Trebek: Yes you did!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.

Alex Trebek: I hate my job. The answer was “mustard”. Mustard is made from mustardseeds. Mr. Reynolds, it’s still your board.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah well, why don’t you give me, ah.. why don’tcha give me Ape Tit for $200.

Alex Trebek: It’s not “Ape Tit.” It’s A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let’s justgo to “Animal Sounds” for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s not necessary. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah,solved mysteries.

Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.

Burt Reynolds: No, that’s correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart, the sound a dog makes.

French Stewart: Um.. [ breathes ] ..who is John Caffney and the Beaver Brown Band, thankyou very much, I’ll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would’ve accepted “bow-wow” or “ruff”!

Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Come on, that’s way out of line, but.. [ Reynolds walks up to Trebek wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It’s funny.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not!

Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It’s funny. It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.

Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Reynolds goes back to his podium ] It’s not funny. What’s going on? Okay, let’s just move on to FinalJeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ music starts ] We’ll accept anynumber, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It’s that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let’s start with FrenchStewart, who’s grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Thinkyou’ve got the right answer?

French Stewart: Yes, I’m pretty sure of it, Alex.

Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ showsStewart’s screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Stewart nods ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ..Texas with a dollar signin front of it. I’m speechless.

French Stewart: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, it all came from Mr.Stewart’s noggin.. [ points at his head ] ..up here.

Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. Mr. Reynolds..

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, don’t bother, I didn’t write anything.

Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery.. the category was Numbers,and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend -V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let’s see what you wagered.. [ wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in”Suck it Trebek” ] “Suck it Trebek”. [ Connery laughs wildly ] That’s all the timewe have. Good night, my.. [ Reynolds places over-sized hat on Trebek’s head ]Would you get that off of me? [ pulls it off his own head ]
[ fade out ]

Thanks to GohanDZ for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: If you’re not reading Larry King’s News and Views in USA Today, then you’re missing on the issues that matter.

Larry King: This is News and Views, here’s my two cents, gang..

If you only see one film the rest of your life it should be “Mickey Blue Eyes”.

When it comes to window blinds, vertical blinds are terrific, but so are horizontal blinds.

Has anybody ever died of a heart attack? I mean, really?

I don’t care what anyone says, in my book, Ted Kaczynski is not the Unabomber.

Sudden thought: When did sugar diabetes become plain old diabetes?

Of all of the figures of the 20th Century one of the greatest has to be Robert Urich.

I have no tolerance, gang, for anyone who commits arson.

World Series prediction, it will be the Diamondbacks in 4.

The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the equator.

I don’t ever remember seeing a Mormon, not once, not ever.

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick and tired of Nelson Mandela?

Here’s the dirty truth, gang, Poland spring water does not come from Poland.

I interviewed Chile’s imprisoned dictator General Pinochet last week, and take it from me, guys, this fella has a terrific laugh.

Does anybody remember baseball cards?

Between Hurricane Hugo and Hurricane Andrew, nothing beats Hurricane Hugo.

My wish for the new millennium is that we see a lot more of John Larroquette.

Family update, folks: Holding my baby son, Chance King makes me realize how much more I love him than my other children.

Announcer: This has been USA Today’s News and Views with Larry King.

Larry King: Margarine has its place, but nothing beats the real deal… butter.

Thanks to Jordan Davidson of The SNL Message Board for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: If you’re still not reading Larry King’s News and Views in USA Today, then you’re not a real American.

Larry King: Red wine is a terrific wine, but so is white wine!

Does anyone really care if Pakistan has the bomb?

Actress Melanie Griffith: One class act!

Now that the world population has reached 6 billion, gang, something tells me it’s only gonna get bigger.

I am still not a fan of Fred Astaire.

Someone oughta tell all these high school students that guns just aren’t safe, gang.

Nothing is as consistently funny on the tube as the TV show “Becker”.

The more I read about Albert Einstein, the more I realize this guy was a true genius.

Announcer: This has been News And Views with Larry King.

Larry King: Sudden thought, gang. I have no compassion for anyone who commits rape.

That’s the end.

Thanks to Jordan Davidson of The SNL Message Board for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

[ Lorne Michaels walks onstage at SNL’s 25th Anniversary special ]

Lorne Michaels: Hi. I’m Lorne Michaels.

[ presses “Applause” button on remote control, forcing applause from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control, eliciting a standing ovation ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Thank you.

[ presses “Misty Eye” button on remote control, eliciting tears from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Really. [ applause quiets ] You know, I think it was when John and Danny were coming into their own, and Chevy came back to host, that the show really had that thing of “Are we a hit? Now is a-“

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ]

[ cut back to Lorne finishing his speech ]

Lorne Michaels: ..and now Jimmy Fallon is hot, and that’s the show!

[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control to awake his sleeping audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses “Ejecto Magnet” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler flying into his arms for a hug ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you, Mike. Adam, that’s really not necessary. Thank you both.

[ presses “Release” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler running back into the audience ]

Lorne Michaels: We’ve had a lot of fun tonight, but, as you know, “Saturday Night Live” isn’t just about glitzy guests and fabulous outfits and glamorous parties. It’s also about merchandising. No self-congratulatory celebration would be complete without a nod to the hot new line of “SNL” anniversary gear you’ll be hearing about in loud commercials during the 2 AM Jay Leno show.

[ Lorne holds up first product ]

Lorne Michaels: First, Conehead Suppositories. Beldar and his family are anything but regular, but why shouldn’t you be?

[ Lorne holds out next product ]

Lorne Michaels: Here’s the Dennis Miller Squeeze-Me Doll.

[ Lorne squeezes the doll ]

Dennis Miller Squee-Me Doll: And what about the people who transverse the entire Gatston Purchase with their f–king turn-signal off? What do you think that clicking sound is, Assface?!

[ Lorne holds out last product ]

Lorne Michaels: And, finally, Chico Escuela’s Berry Berry Good Orange Drink. I was in St. Bart’s when they approved this one.

And if that’s not enough, here’s a few quick clips from the 45th Anniversary show, available on VHS.

[ cut to futuristic clip of heavyset Wayne and Garth ]

Wayne & Garth: We’re not.. worthy! Sch..wing!

[ cut to futuristic clip of wrinkly Paul Simon singing ]

“Still crazy after all these yearrrrrsss..”

[ cut to futuristic clip of elderly Lorne Michaels wearing tissue boxes for shoes ]

Lorne Michaels: And I think it was when Chevy first did Ford that –

[ Lorne is zapped by lightning ]

[ cut back to present-day Lorne Michaels addressing his present-day audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Yes, the “SNL” anniversary is the talk of the town, and the hottest ticket. Everyone wants a seat to this show. The only hard part is whom to choose. [ bites pinky finger ]

[ singing ]

“So many performers
all deserving, you’ll agree
But someone has to seal their fate
I suppose.. it.. should.. be.. me!

Robin Duke and Gary Kroeger
can have a pleasant chat
Seated 20 rows behind
Eddie Murphy and his ca-a-a-a-attt!”

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ]

[ cut back to Lorne putting the finishing touches on his act ]

Lorne Michaels:
“‘Cause it’s.. my… sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwww!!”

[ a la Bugs Bunny cartoon, Jon Lovitz holds Lorne to as high a note as possible, until the room caves in over him ]

Jon Lovitz: [ walks past, chewing on carrot ] Yeah, that’s the ticket!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Phil Hartman Tribute

…..Jon Lovitz
…..Jan Hooks
…..Dennis Miller
…..Mike Myers
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Nora Dunn

[ the 1986-1990 cast stand collectively to thunderous applause ]

Jon Lovitz: [ on the verge of tears ] My friend and my older brother, Phil Hartman, spent eight years at “Saturday Night Live”. And.. he eventually worked with over.. 25 cast members.. but all of us were with him in the beginning.

Jan Hooks: The following is a film that Phil and I did together in our third season. This is for you, Phil, we love you so much.

“Love Is A Dream”.

SNL Transcripts

Meadows/Morris

…..Garrett Morris
…..Tim Meadows

Garrett Morris: Hi. I’m Garrett Morris, and this is my son Timothy Matthews.

Tim Meadows: It’s Meadows.

Garrett Morris: Uh.. uh.. Meadows! Meadows! Uh, yes.. you know, 25 years ago, when I worked for this show, the writers just didn’t seem to be able to come up with material for me, a black man. You know what I mean?

Tim Meadows: Yes, well, it’s different now at the new Afro-friendly NBC.

Garrett Morris: Oh, really?

Tim Meadows: [ pulls out card ] Actually, here, they want you to read that.

Garrett Morris: [ reads card ] “Ladies and gentlemen, Reverand Al Green.”

SNL Transcripts

Mike Myers

…..Mike Myers

Mike Myers: Thank you! When I joined the cast in 1989, I was the new guy in a group that had been together for three years. I had to make new friends, I didn’t have an office, Nora Dunn kept calling me Mark. She still does. She did it tonight.

But then you do your work, time flies, and one day you look around and you’re one of the guys, and you’re a senior. And then you see the new new guy, nervous, trying to write his first Update feature, and your heart says, “Wow! I must destroy him.”

Here are some clips from the years 1985-1990. I’m the fresh-faced, auburn-haired lad near the end.

SNL Transcripts

Chris Rock’s Monologue

…..Chris Rock

Chris Rock: Thank you! Welcome to the show, I’m out here because somebody had to do it. And I guess they thought I would be the best guy for it. “Saturday Night Live”, 25 years on the air – and, uh.. four funny, so.. I mean, who are we kidding, come on!

I look around this room, look at the star power. Look at the comedic genius. I’m looking at some of the most overrated people in the history of comedy! Some of the worst movies ever made were made by people in this room! Thank God we’re gonna do what we all do best – television!

Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! We’ve got.. The Eurythmics are here! We’ve got The Beastie Boys, Elvis Costello! Al Green! Everybody’s here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts