Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Ross Perot…..Cheri Oteri Pat Buchanan…..Chris Parnell Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond Jesse Ventura…..Will Ferrell
[Caption: Reform Party Headquarters-Dallas, Texas]
Ross Perot: Gentlemen, I think we all know why we’re here. [Chair swivels around to show strange Mr. Perot] Now, the Reform Party needs a new crazy leader. Now, maybe it might be Pat Buchanan [Buchanan is shown], or maybe Donald Trump [Trump shown puckering lips]; but it sure as Hell won’t be me. [maniacal laugh]. Apparently, fellas, I wasn’t insane enough for the American people. Now what we need is a real nutbag.
Pat Buchanan: I couldn’t agree more, the American people….
Ross Perot: Pat, Pat let me finish! Would you let me finish, Pat? Now, I’m gonna ask you gentlemens a few questions.
Pat Buchanan: Go ahead.
Donald Trump: Shoot.
Ross Perot: Okay, Pat, you eager beaver; where do you stand on illegal aliens, Pat?
Pat Buchanan: Ross, we have a serious illegal alien problem in this country; foreigners in general are repulsive to me!
Donald Trump: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the boat! The Donald employs an army of illegal aliens in as many fine Atlantic City hotels and casinos. Sure, they steal and talk funny, but if they’re fresh off the burrito bar, they’ll work for 15 cents a week. [laughs] I’ve seen it happen.
Ross Perot: Okay, fellas, that’s all well and good, you see, but I’m not talking about foreigners. I’m talking about aliens, martians, come on!
Pat Buchanan: Martians?
Ross Perot: Yes, martians, you know, come on! The weird spacesuits, the rap music, Veracon and the million man marchs. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t seen them with the ray guns?
Pat Buchanan: Oh, Ross, I for one would pass a law making it impossible for “martians” [all laugh] to have ray guns.
Ross Perot: Good answer, Patty, good answer!
Pat Buchanan: Oh, I desperately need that money and will say or do anything for it.
Ross Perot: I like the way you talk, Patty. Now what about weird ideas, fellas, reform party candidates always have weird ideas. American people like weird ideas. Whatcha got for me, Patty?
Pat Buchanan: Well, now I’ve been throwing some pro-Nazi stuff out there, seeing how it plays. I think the American people are very receptive. I want to try a little mustache, too here. Ya know, maybe make myself more recognizable. [Takes out Hitler mustache and puts it on] Huh? What do you say?
Ross Perot: I like it, I like it. Whatdya got for me, the Donald?
Donald Trump: First off, the Donald has a few plans for that staunchy and outdated old White House, you understand? Gentlemen, I give you the Trump House. [Reveals a drawing of the Trump House, resembling Trump Plaza Hotel] A 90-story deluxe government facility and gambling casino, all brass and class. And to top it all off, my campaign slogan: “I got it, you want it, come and get it!” [laughs] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, one more thing. Pat, you like chicks right? [Buchanan appears confused] Forget it. Ross, you like chicks, right? [Perot giggles excitedly] Okay. Alright, the interns under the Donald’s desk are gonna be a lot classier than Monica Lewinsky. Ladies, come on in! [Three ladies begin to flaunt over the Donald]
Pat Buchanan: Now come on, this is ridiculous! America won’t stand for this! This man is a cheap hustler with barroom morals. Ross, I beg you…
[Suddenly, a giant crash comes from the wall and Jesse Ventura enters enraged]
Ross Perot: It’s Jesse! Run for your lives!!!
[Everybody exits except for Ventura and Buchanan appears to have fallen on the floor]
Jesse Ventura: [incredibly loud] I’m the leader of this party! I won in Minnesota! And I can take this country, and put it in a massive headlock! Now, get ready to get bodyslammed! [picks up dummy of Buchanan] Come here!
Pat Buchanan: What are you doing?!
[Ventura proceeds to viciously beat Patty]
Jesse Ventura: Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you!
Pat Buchanan: Put me down! Put me down! I want you to be my vice-president!
[Ventura then throws Buchanan out into the audience]
Jesse Ventura: What are you looking at America?! You think I’m a joke?! Well, you won’t when I’m your next president! Oh, yeah…”Live, from New York, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!”
Head Thug…..Will Ferrell Puke…..Jerry Seinfeld Thug #2…..Horatio Sanz Thug #3…..Jimmy Fallon
[ a Puke is getting beat up by a group of thugs in an abandonedwarehouse ]
Head Thug: Tell us what we need to know, you lousy puke!
Puke: Oh, why don’t you just kill me and get it over with!
Head Thug: I’m afraid it’s not gonna be that easy. You see, I knowa thing or two about the human body.. and, if I have to, I can keepyou alive for weeks ’til I get what I want outta you.
Puke: Screw you!
[ the two other Thugs begin to viciously beat the puke to a pulp, untilthey discover that they’ve killed him ]
Head Thug: Alright, alright! That’s enough!
Thug #2: Hey.. he’s not moving.
Head Thug: I’m not getting a pulse.. Alright, get him on the table. [ the two thugs pick him up and drag him across the floor onto a hospitalstretcher ] Watch his neck! I think he’s had a contusion of the frontallobe – he’s going into shock. Incubate him. I want 60 CCs of saline, stat.Foot pressure?
Thug #2: 80 over 60.
Head Thug: Okay, he may have some internal bleeding. We may needa catscan.
Thug #2: We don’t have one.
Head Thug: St. John’s has one. Why don’t we have one?Damn, this old warehouse! Don’t take your eyes off that EKG, Sammy!
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: LATER THAT NIGHT ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Thug #2 offering a drink of water to therecovering puke ]
Thug #2: Easy.. easy.. there you go.. alright.
Head Thug: [ looking at his patient’s chart ] Well.. you had quite alittle episode there, haven’t you? Have you been up at all?
Puke: I just went to the bathroom for a little bit..
Head Thug: Good, good.. Take it slow, so you’ll feel better. Do youfeel better?
Puke: Yeah.. much better..
Head Thug: Good, good.. that’s great to hear.. [ smacks him acrossthe face with his chart ] Let’s go! Let’s get him into the chair! [ thetwo other Thugs drag the puke out of the stretcher and toss him back intothe chair ] So, are you ready to talk, Puke?!
Puke: Go to Hell!
[ the Thugs start beating him up again, as he moans inaudibly ]
Head Thug: [ stopping the brawl ] What is it? What is it? Don’ttry to talk. Let’s go, people! Call Hank at ICU! Tell him to get ready!
Thug #2: Who’s Hank?
Head Thug: Just do it! Mr. Puke, can you hear me? You’ve beenbadly beaten, but you’re gonna be okay!
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Head Thug taking notes on Puke’s chart ]
Head Thug: How’s our little patient?
Puke: Could you.. raise the bed up.. a little bit..?
Head Thug: Sure, fine.. [ raises the bed ] How’s that?
Puke: ..Better..
Head Thug: Yeah? Better?
[ the group of Thugs jump on top of the stretcher and start to beat upthe Puke all over again ]
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Puke laying helpless in the stretcher asthe Thugs examine him ]
Head Thug: Let’s see.. we did a little plastic surgery on you.. Itlooks good. I ddin’t realize I was treating Cary Grant, except for thisblood here. Are you feeling better?
Puke: [ realizing the trap, shakes head ] Uh-uh! No!
Head Thug: [ holding bat up high ] You’re not feeling better?
Puke: [ nervous ] No, no, not better at all, no. It’s worse!
[ Head Thug puts on a clown nose and holds a little doll in his hand ]
Thug #2: [ confused ] Boss, what are you doing?
Head Thug: Don’t you understand? You treat the disease, you lose.Treat the patient, you win. [ steps into a pair of bedpans and dancesaround ] Look at me, I’m a Monkey-Man! I’m a Monkey-Man!
[ the Puke starts to laugh ]
Thug #2: Boss! Look! He’s laughing! You’re gettin’ through tohim! It’s a miracle!
Head Thug: Alright! [ takes off his bedpan shoe and swats the Pukein the face with it ]
[ Thug #2 picks up the EKG machine and smashes it over the Puke’s skull ]
Head Thug: We’re losing him! Pedals! [ places them on thePuke’s chest ] Clear! Don’t give up on me! Live, dammit, live!
Thug #2: He’s alive!
Head Thug: Alright, now talk! [ punches the Puke’s face ]
Thug #2: He’s dead!
Head Thug: No! [ pounds the Puke’s chest ]
Thug #2: He’s alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead! [ HeadThug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead![ Head Thug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ]Dead! [ Head Thug collapses on the Puke’s chest ] Are you saving him, orare you beating on him?
Head Thug: I don’t know. I just don’t know!
Thug #2: Boss! It’s too late!
Head Thug: [ upset ] Alright, let’s call it. Autopsy.
Thug #2: What for?
Head Thug: Because I want to know why this happened, so that it doesn’t happen again.
…..Colin Quinn Jerry Seinfeld #1…..Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld #2…..Jimmy Fallon
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ah, we meet again!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are today’s top stories.
Yesterday, China celebrated the 50th anniversary of Communist rule with a nationwide festival of parades, speeches, and…I’m guessing, now, fireworks?
This week, Dan Quayle announced his withdrawl from the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Quayle cited the financial advantage of the George Bush campaign as a reason for his pull out, but emphasized that he nonetheless wishes his old boss all the best in his presidential bid.
When asked for his reaction to the withdrawl announcement, Pat Buchanan responded that Quayle was inferior, and needed to be eliminated.
The Washington Post reported today that Al Gore’s campaign manager, Craig Smith, has stepped down, because of Gore’s decision to relocate his headquarters to Nashville. Staffers expect Smith to be replaced by this man. [photo of Roy Clark]
A physical examination of Texas governor George W. Bush revealed that the presidential hopeful is in excellent health with the minor exception of mild hearing loss. Doctors assured reporters that the hearing loss was to be expected; you know how people always talk your ear off when you’re doing coke with them?…Said the doctor.
A runaway chain reaction at Japan’s Tokaimura uranium processing plant Thursday exposed thousands of people to dangerous levels of radiation. Japanese officials admitted that, although the r – radiation was bad, it was nothing compared to the time they had two atom bombs dropped on them. [some applause]
Country music superstar Garth Brooks has adopted an alter ego for his new concept album entitled In the Life of Chris Gaines….Funny, that’s the exact disguise I use whenever I go out to buy [doctored photo of Colin Quinn with the Chris Gaines hairdo — long, black hair on top and a little hair underneath the bottom lip] a Garth Brooks album. [some cheers and applause]
In local news, New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has drawn criticism this week for his attempts to shut down a Brooklyn museum [one audience member boos] exhibit featuring a rendition of the Virgin Mary that’s in questionable taste. While he was in Brooklyn, the mayor also shut down questionably tasteful renditions of the Virgin Mary found [doctored photo of a Virgin Mary headstone in a yard] on lawns throughout the borough. [applause and some cheers]
The painting itself, which portrays the holy mother splattered with elephant dung, is being exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and will be covered by plexiglass to prevent protesters from defacing it….Which would involve what, cleaning the elephant dung off it?
Now tonight, “Weekend Update” presents the first in a series of retrospectives looking back at the last thousand years. As it draws to a close, we reflect on the millennium.
[Fade to black as dark, mysterious music plays; cut to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, a shark.]
Annoucer #1: A thousand years. Ten centuries of human history. We cannot tell every story. So we must choose one to speak for them all. But whose? The explorers? The great generals? Sharks? We went with the sharks.
[music becomes more triumphant; dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part One: Sharks.
[fade to black, then fade up to a series of clips featuring sharks]
Announcer #1: 1000 AD. All over the world, sharks greet the new millennium by swimming and eating things. This continues for several centuries. Meanwhile, on land, the Mongols invade China. And the Black Death sweeps Europe. Sharks are not affected by any of this. But, as the Middle Ages begin, suddenly we find that sharks keep doing the same stuff. [dissolve to picture of Johannes Gutenberg demonstrating his printing press] Then, in 1454, Johannes Gutenberg perfects movable type printing. [dissolve to more clips of sharks] This leads to a flourishing of shark art and culture. Provided, “art and culture” mean “eating and swimming,” and “flourishing” means “stay the same.” You know, as it turns out, these water-breathing death tubes may not be the best way to relate a thousand years of history. Anyway, our bad!
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause as music fades out; fade to black, then fade up to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: NASA admitted this week that the Mars Orbiter probe was destroyed after burning up in the atmosphere because scientists failed to convert English units of measurements to metric ones….A bunch of real rocket scientists, these guys, huh?…Despite the loss of the 125-million-dollar satellite, however, NASA says not to worry, ’cause it’s only a dollar 25 in metric money.
President Clinton vetoed a Republican tax bill last week, calling it, quote, “too big and too bloated.” If only he applied the [photo of Monica Lewinsky] same standards to everything. [mixed reaction]…The country’s turned pro-Lewinsky in the summer, huh? All right.
Edmund Morris, the author of Dutch, the controversial new Ronald Reagan biography, has been criticized for creating a fictional character as a device for telling the Reagan story. The character’s name? Chris Gaines.
Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura dismissed a barrage of criticism stemming from a Playboy interview, in which he called organized religion “a sham” and “a crutch for the m – weak-minded,” and suggested that prostitution and drugs should be legalized. Ah heh! He doesn’t sound so crazy now, does he?
Former senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley admitted last week to smoking pot during his younger days. Really? I never would’ve dreamed that somebody who spent the 1970s hangin’ out with guys named “Earl the Pearl” and “Clyde” would even have access to pot.
A Kentucky man was arrested this week after entering the home of actress Ashley Judd. The intruder was held by police until having his bond posted by a desperate and lonely Wynonna. [mostly groans]
Breastfeeding…breastfeeding on federal property got the seal of approval under a bill President Clinton signed into law this week. I mean, what were the odds of [photo of a thumb-up Bill Clinton] that one not getting it? [cheers and applause]
And now it’s time for tonight’s point-counterpoint. Our topic: Should the government impose tighter restrictions on the so-called soft money campaign donations? Here to argue in favor of new spending limits is former television star Jerry Seinfeld.
[pan over to Jerry #1]
Jerry Seinfeld #1: Thank you, Colin. [clears throat]
Colin: And taking the counterpoint is [Jerry Seinfeld #2 enters next to Jerry #1] former television star Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry Seinfeld #2: Okay, thanks, Colin! Thanks a lot, buddy!
Colin: Gentlemen, your topic is campaign finance reform. Begin.
Jerry #1: What is going on with the Gap? First it was T-shirts, jeans, the khakis — that was great, but now they’re inventing clothing. Have you seen these drawstring pants? Where – w – where am I going in these things, a clambake? Slumber party? Should I volunteer at a hospital?
Jerry #2: Jerry, what are you talking about? I love the Gap!…It’s like going into your closet, except there’s a guy in there! “Hey, guy, pocket tee?” “Really? Thanks, Gap! What, you’ll refold it?” This place is great! [cheers and applause; says something inaudible to Jerry #1]
Jerry #1: Jerry, you ignorant slut. [cheers and applause]…First, they’re swing dancing. Now they want us to wear a vest! It’s stupid! It looks stupid! I say, let’s not wear the vest! We gotta stop these people!
Jerry #2: I know! And those commercials, I mean, they’re not even dancing for us anymore!
Jerry #1: Yes! Just this sullen line of teenage automatons barking out orders!
Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest! We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!”
Jerry #1 and Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!” [cheers and applause; both look at each other, smile, and nod]
Jerry #1: You’re funny!
Jerry #2: So are you! So are you!
Colin: Hey, uh, fellas, you seem to have found a lot of common ground. Perhaps in the future, we shouldn’t have a person debate himself.
Jerry #1: But – but he makes a good point!
Jerry #2: I like what this guy has to say.
Jerry #1: I know. You’re me.
Jerry #2: Uh, no, you’re not. I’m you!
Jerry #1: I know! I’m kidding!
Jerry #2: I know you’re kidding!
Jerry #1: I know you’re kidding about me kidding! I’m kidding!
Jerry #2: Wanna go see a movie?
Jerry #1: Yeah!
Jerry #2: Yay!
Jerry #1: Let’s go!
[cheers and applause as both Jerrys leave the studio on their chairs]
Colin: Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it….[collects his sheaf of papers] Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 16th, 1999 Heather Graham Marc Anthony None Dana Carvey Kevin Nealon Scott Wainio Lorne Michaels Genetically Created CandidateSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) produce a hybrid clone (Horatio Sanz) of themselves. Recurring Characters: Al Gore, George W. Bush, President Bill Clinton.
Montage
Heather Graham’s MonologueSummary: The male cast members line up to hit on Heather Graham. Transcript
Litter CrittersSummary: Kids are bored with their pet cat until they discover the fun of molding fun toys out of cat poop. Transcript
The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura (Cheri Oteri) Zimmerman seduce another couple Heather Graham, Will Ferrell) on an airplane. Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman. Transcript
The Ladies’ ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and Rollergirl (Heather Graham) review sexy movies together. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
Where Are They Now?Summary: Hans (Kevin Nealon) and Franz (Dana Carvey) are reunited after spending many years apart. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Note: This was scheduled to air during the 25th Anniversary special three weeks earlier, but had to be cut because the festivities were running long.
NetAidRecurring Characters: Lynda Lopez, Jewel, David Bowie, Bono, Busta Rhymes
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: During “Update Forum”, Colin Quinn viciously debates a six-year old on the education crisis in America. Howatio Sanz comments on the recent Latin explosion in pop music and entertainment. Transcript
Marc Anthony performs “I Need To Know”
Dog ShowRecurring Characters: David Larry, Miss Colleen.
No Blair Witch ParodySummary: Despite repeated promises not to do so, Lorne Michaels produces a “Blair Witch” parody.
Marc Anthony performs “That’s Okay”
Three-Way CoupleSummary: After a failed three-way with the family babysitter (Heather Graham), warren (Chris Parnell) and Fran Kirney (Ana Gasteyer) discuss the aftermath of their experience. Recurring Characters: Warren Kirney, Fran Kirney.
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows Roller Girl…..Heather Graham
Announcer: Oh yeah… It’s time for the Ladies’ Man.
Leon Phelps: Yeah what’s hapnin’ and welcome to “TheLadies’ Man,” the love line with all the rightresponses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps,and how you all doing tonight? Hm? (Crowd applauses)Yeah? Well that’s good! I’m doing really good, ’causeI got my Covosseir right here, hahaha! And tonight, Iwanna talk about the movies. Now, I don’t mean the bighollywood blockbusters, with their cheap laughs andcar crashes. No, I mean the sophisticated andintelligent films. Good old fashoined ones, withladies wearing no underpants. That’s right, it’s timeonce again for… “The Ladies’ Man’s wonderful worldof adult and erotic cinema!” I’m talking about pornos!Yeah, that was cool. Tonight, I will be joined by avery special celebrity guest critic, you problablyknow her from her work in the classic 1976 film,”Skanks on Skates.” Please welcome adult cinima star,Roller Girl!
Roller Girl: Hi!
Leon Phelps: Have a seat! It is so nice to have youhere.
Roller Girl: It’s my pleasure, Leon.
Leon Phelps: Yes, now tell us why you’re tonight’sguest critic.
Roller Girl: Well, ’cause last night you told me if Ihad sex with you, then you’d put me on the show.
Leon Phelps: Shyeaahhaha…. Aaand?
Roller Girl: Oh yeah, well tonight on the show, we’llbe looking at 4 classic adult films newly released onvideo, from my favorite era, the 70’s.
Leon Phelps: Yeah that’s right. Now our first film, inthe 1977 release, is called “Officer and theGenitalman”.
Roller Girl: IT stars Candy Buttsome, Fifi Latoosh,and Barney Penis.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, well Barney Penis is not a veryinventive porn name, but he is a terrrific actor,which is why I really wanted to like this movie more.But the continuity was bad, and so distracting, and ittook away from a very promising storyline about anofficer’s genitals.
Roller Girl: Well Leon, I liked it. It had a classicsoundtrack, some inventie camerawork, and a whole lotof doggystyle!
Leon Phelps: Haha, yeah, well… there’s such a thingas too much doggystyle… Wait a minute, what did Ijust say!? That is absolutley crazy, you’re rightRoller Girl, this is a great film!
Roller Girl: And now our next film is a gripping dramaabout crooked cops on the take, and the one man on theforce willing to stand up to them. Plus, they humpalot.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, that’s right. It’s called “The ModSquat”.
Roller Girl: Now I for one loved this movie, but i betyou didn’t like it, Leon.
Leon Phelps: On contrare, bonjour! I loved this movie!And strangley enough, it was because of thenon-pornographic moments, like in this clip here.
Roller Girl: Let’s take a look.
(The screen shows a naked woman, and 2 men, whileanother woman brings a cup of wine in. Classic 70porno music is playing. The clip lasts about 3seconds.)
Leon Phelps: Yeah, well that was the longestnon-pornographic moment in the film, so… But rightafter that part, the Mod Squat got into some serioussquattin’, so…
Roller Girl: Yeah, I didn’t see what you meant. Thatscene was very dramatic and well acted. Now our nextmovie is a bit of an odd choice, I don’t think it’s anadult film! It stars Bill Murray, and it’s called”Meatballs”. Did you pick this one Leon?
Leon Phelps: Yes, I did. Uhh, you see when I firstrented it, I thought it was an adult film. I mean itis called “Meatballs”. You know? But then I watchedit, and this is one of the funniest movies ever made!I serious! If you like to laugh, do yourself a favor,and rent “Meatballs”. Okay Roller Girl, our last filmis very special for me, because you are in it. It iscalled “Space Knockers”.
Roller Girl: That’s right Leon. In it, I playedPrincess Lebia from the planet Boobula. I am sent toearth to have sex with every man.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, this film is a lost gem, I simplyloved it! Especially your famous monologue, in whichyou say goodbye to every man on the planet Earth.
Roller Girl: Well alot of people ask me to do thatspeech.
Leon Phelps: Well it’s some of the best writting I’veever seen. Would you please do us a favor and do ittonight? Please? Please? (She readies her helmet) Thisis gonna be good!
Roller Girl: (Sad piano tune starts playing) People of the Earth, when I was transmorted from the planet Boobula to your magnificent blue ball, my intentions were pureley erotic. WHen I first arrived, I *came* in peace. Now, with the help of you, Mr. President, and you, the pool cleaner, and you the field hockey team, I have enough sexual energy to orgasmiganicaly transmortify my way back to Boobula. I will miss you earthlings, I will miss your dongs. Good bye!
Leon Phelps: (Crying) Yeah that was great..! It’s justthat every time I hear that speech, I just think, whycouldn’t she stay? Why did she have to go back toBoobula?
Roller Girl: Well that’s okay, I come back 9 more times!
Leon Phelps: Yeah, I know, I was in 3 of those movies!Well anyways, we are out of time here. Thank you forbeing here Roller Girl it’s a pleasure. And we’ll seeyou next time on “The Ladies’ Man!”
[ the kids run through the house as Mom, on hands and knees, picks upafter the family cat ]
Mom: You kids begged me for a cat, and now you won’tclean after it!
Announcer: You can relax now, Mom, ’cause Litter Critters are here!
Jingle: “ When you hear a scratch, Here comes a patch, It’s time for Litter Critters!“
Announcer: The creativity kit for kids that turns every surpriseyour cat leaves you into a fun-packed figurine! First, remove the fecalwaste and surrounding litter from the litter box, fill th sturdy polythyrenemold, press, and you’ve got a fresh new Litter Critter pal in less than aminute.
Little Girl: [ holding Litter Critter horsie ] I love you, LitterCritter! [ kisses it ]
Little Boy: [ holding a Litter Critter dinosaur ] Hey, I made aTyranasaurus Rex!
Announcer: And when Litter Critters start to deteriorate and crumble,there’s plenty more where that came from! And Litter Critters are greatfor parties.
Little Girl: Look, Mommy.. my very own squirrel!
Dad: [ sniffing the air ] What’s that smell?
Mom: It’s the smell of fun, Honey.
Second Little Girl: Mommy made me a whistle! [ blows it ]
Jingle: “ When you hear a scratch, Here comes a patch, It’s time for Litter Critters!“
Kids: [ eyes open wide ] A pinata!
[ the kids beat on a Litter Critter pinata filled with candy ]
Announcer: Turn your litterbox into a toy box, with LitterCritters! Pinata mold and candy not included.
…..Heather Graham …..Tim Meadows …..Will Ferrell …..Chris Parnell
Heather Graham: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Okay! Well, I’m really excited to be here! I’ve mostly done movies, so live TV is kind of new, but after doing Bogey Nights I feel I’ve seen everything. So I’m here, and I’m going to try my best . . .
Tim Meadows: Excuse me, Heather, uh . . .
Heather Graham: Hey, Tim!
Tim Meadows: Hi!
Heather Graham: Hi!
Tim Meadows: Heather, can I tell you something? Yeah, you know, you look, uh – you seem a little tense.
Heather Graham: Really?
Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah.
Heather Graham: Well, actually, I’m not that tense. I mean, I have done nude scenes before.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, I know. But don’t worry, everybody gets a little nervous.
Heather Graham: Tim, I’m not really – Tim Meadows: [Tim shushes her a few times, while staring at her breasts.] Don’t be so hard on yourself there. They’re looking great.
Heather Graham: WHAT?
Tim Meadows: I mean, you’re doing great. You know, you just need to relax, that’s all. You know, I’ve been on this show for eight years and every time I need to relax before a show, there’s a special place I like to go. Come on, I’ll show you.
Heather Graham: All right, well, if you think it’ll help!
Tim Meadows: [He leads her off the stage behind a sort of wall-type thing, with a door in front.] Yeah, yeah, come on, I guarantee you, it will help . . . Right this way. Okay, let me show you how to relax the Tim Meadows way. [The two are behind the wall.]
Heather Graham: What are you doing with your pants?
Tim Meadows: Oh, God . . .
Heather Graham: [Running out from behind the wall.] Okay, you know what?
Tim Meadows: What? [He runs out, fumbling with his pants zipper.]
Heather Graham: Um, thanks but no thanks.
Tim Meadows: [nervously] What? I thought you wanted to relax!
Heather Graham: Tim, I have a boyfriend!
Tim Meadows: Oh, that’s okay! I’m bisexual!
[Will Ferrell enters.]
Will Ferrell: Is Tim bothering you, Heather?
Tim Meadows: Hi Will. Sorry. [Runs off the set.]
Heather Graham: Do you know what he was doing back there?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, he’s got a bit of a problem, but everything’s going to be okay now.
Heather Graham: Okay, great. Well, thanks, I’m just gonna get on with it, you know . . .
Will Ferrell: Sure. Tim was right about one thing: you seem a little tense.
Heather Graham: Really!Will Ferrell: Yeah, just take a deep breath and relax and you’ll get through it.
Heather Graham: Thanks, Will!
Will Ferrell: Try stretching a little bit, you know? Try touching your elbows behind your back. Yeah.
[As Heather stretches her elbows behind her back, Will arches his neck to look at her chest.]
Will Ferrell: Good, good. Now reach, reach for the stars! Yeah, that’s good. See, I usually feel it right here. [He puts his hands right by her breasts.] Right here. That’s where I hold a lot of my tension. [He grabs Heather’s breasts.] Right about here.
Heather Graham: [Shoves Will’s hands away.] Thanks, Will, but I feel relaxed now, okay?
Will Ferrell: All right, if that’s the way you . . . Oh! Did anyone tell you that there’s a phone call back there for you?
Heather Graham: Oh, really, right now?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah. It’s really important. Come on, it’s just . . .
Heather Graham: Well, don’t you think I should get it during a commercial?
Will Ferrell: It won’t take a long time. Watch your step. It’s just right here and . . . [He brings her up to that door on the back of the set with the 30 on it.]
Heather Graham: Wow, it’s really dark back here!
Will Ferrell: Here, here’s the phone!
Heather Graham: Oh my God. That’s the phone?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, but it’s for you!
Heather Graham: You know, I really didn’t need to see that.
[Chris Parnell enters, holding a large wrapped box.]
Chris Parnell: Hey, Heather, how’s it going?
Heather Graham: Oh, you know, it’s fine. You know, Chris, I don’t need anyone else to help me with my nervousness, okay?
Chris Parnell: I didn’t think you did. I just brought you this gift because I really admire you and your work.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hi! I’m Colin Quinn, here are today’s top stories.
Following a military coup in Pakistan Tuesday, the global community is now faced with an increasingly unstable relationship between two nuclear powers: Pakistan and its neighbor, India. In the event of a nuclear conflict, experts envision a destroyed infrastructure, political chaos, and millions starving. In other words, nuclear war could set those countries back months.
Irish-Americans were stunned and outraged last week when President Clinton compared the Northern Ireland peace talks to the bickering of saloon drunks….If you’re as upset as I am…about the President’s perpetuation of the myth of drunken, bloated Irishmen, then write to your senator! [photos of Ted Kennedy and Patrick Leahy; cheers and applause]
Texas governor George W. Bush’s campaign for president continues to pick up steam. Last week, in fact, President Clinton said that Bush reminded him of himself. Marking the most blatant case of negative campaigning in political history.
Vice President Al Gore’s campaign received a boost this week with an endorsement from the AFL-CIO. However, the endorsement did not include the United Auto Workers, who pointed out that in their industry, they’ve always fought against man being replaced by machines….I do not intend to stop now.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have recently updated their questionnaire that helps people determine if they have a substance abuse problem. Questions range from the standard “Have you ever missed work due to drugs or alcohol?” to a newer, more specific “Have you ever been so wasted, O.J. had to call 9-1-1 on you?” [some applause]
Monica Lewinsky’s father, Bernard Lewinsky, is demanding an apology from NBC after a “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” episode referred to oral sex as “getting a Lewinsky.”…In a letter to NBC, Mr. Lewinsky said it was an outrage and demanded that the reference never be heard again. NBC lawyers responded that he can “go George Michael himself.” [cheers and applause]
Here in New York…here in New York, Italian-Americans celebrated Columbus Day last week with the traditional parade down 5th Avenue. The event was unfortunately marred by the usual unpleasantness — every few feet, one of the marchers would stop, glare at the crowd and say, “What are you lookin’ at?” [some applause]
Last week, ten states approved a referendum that bases teacher salaries on student achievement. Is this a solution to the education crisis in this country? Is there an education crisis? These questions and more on tonight’s “Update Forum.” Joining me tonight is someone who is affected directly by this measure: six-year-old Jasmine.
[pan over to Jasmine]
Jasmine, your thoughts on this?
Jasmine: I like my teacher. I think she should get paid well.
Colin: Hah, hold on a second, please. N – n – no one asked you your feelings about your teacher. Do you think that a teaching system based on incentives is beneficial or harmful?
Jasmine: I don’t know.
Colin: [becomes increasingly intimidating] You don’t know. [chuckles to himself] You don’t know what you think?
Jasmine: Well, I don’t think my teacher should lose money. She’s nice.
Colin: Ho – ho – ho! And what do you base this opinion on, [leans closer to Jasmine] research? Statistics? This is “Update Forum,” Jasmine! You came on here to debate!
Jasmine: I, um–
Colin: [mimicking Jasmine] I, um, I— you didn’t have an opinion on this? I am a fully grown and sophisticated adult! I have opinions about politics, religion, the Internet; you only know about Happy Meals and gum!
Jasmine: I’m sorry! But I’m nervous to be on TV.
Colin: Oh-h-h! But you wanted to be on, didn’t you? After all, you didn’t have to say “yes” to be on! But your naked ambition came through! You’re a little manipulator, Jasmine, yes you are, a little con artist!
Jasmine: You’re scaring me!
Colin: Don’t play games with me! I have a driver’s license! [sits upright]…You know what I think? I don’t think you even wanted to be on TV! But you wanted to be a good little girl! And you thought that if you did good on TV, it would keep Mommy and Daddy together. Instead [some groans]…y– [reacting to audience] oh-h! [leans closer to Jasmine] You messed up! You failed! So Mommy and Daddy are gonna break up! And the main reason is, their marriage couldn’t work because you never went to bed on time! Yeah! It’s your fault! And the only other person that has any meaning in your life, your teacher, is gonna get fired and then it’s just you, baby! And ten years from now, all anybody will remember about this debate is who won! I won this debate, didn’t I?
[returns to normal] Well, this has been the “Update Forum.” [cheers and applause] My guest tonight was Jasmine….Thank you, Jasmine, hope to see you again sometime.
Jasmine: Bye!
[Colin playfully laughs and tickles Jasmine; Jasmine laughs, then Colin grabs her hand and lets her go]
Colin: Oh!…Huh!
Pat Buchanan has begun notifying supporters that he will make a major speech on October 25th, in which he is expected to announce that he will leave the Republican Party and seek the Reform Party nomination. But insiders are not ruling out the possibility that he’s simply to announce that he’s gonna invade Poland. [scattered applause]
In science news, paleontologists recently discovered the fossil remains of a fierce turkey-sized animal with sharp claws and teeth. That may have been the first flying feathered dinosaur, a missing link to today’s birds. And according to Strom Thurmond, it tastes like chicken. [some applause]
Anne…Anne Heche….Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres announced last week that they would like to get married in Vermont, if the state would legalize same-sex marriages. Until that time, the couple said they are keeping their fingers crossed, which has enhanced their sex life. [strong reaction]…It doesn’t even…make sense, really, but…something about it! Just thought I’d let…
A recent analysis of government data revealed that four of New York City’s five boroughs are among the top ten counties in America with the highest concentrations of cancer-causing toxins in the air. Take that, New Jersey!
Potential New York Senate candidate Hillary Clinton decided last week not to attend the Mets’ or Yankees’ ongoing league playoffs, but said she would go to the World Series. When asked which team she would root for if both New York squads made it that far, she replied, “Which one has more Jews?” [mixed reaction]
In a recent interview, supermodel Cindy Crawford revealed that whenever she needs to strike a pose with a sexy look on her face, she imagines a secret, private image. [photo of Colin Quinn] Baby! [some applause]…Don’t tell everybody. It’s bad for him to spread it around.
French chefs protesting high taxes last week pelted Paris riot police with eggs. Police retaliated by pouring ketchup all over the eggs. [scattered applause]
Back in New York, leaders of the Ku Klux Klan said they would sue city officials after being denied a permit to hold a white pride rally there. Come on, we already have 41 white pride gatherings every year at the Garden. [photo of three New York Rangers hockey players]…Need one more?
Bill and Hillary Clinton spent last Monday together at Camp David, celebrating their 24th wedding anniversary. I think it’s great to see after all they’ve been through, they still have a sense of humor. [applause]…No word…no word as of yet on what gifts the couple exchanged, but it’s a good bet he did not receive a Lewinsky. [cheers and applause]
And now, here to talk about this year’s Latin explosion in pop music is our very own Horatio Sanz!
[pan over to Horatio]
Horatio Sanz: Thank you. [Colin chuckles] Yeah. [chuckles] And thank you, Colin. [Colin chuckles] Now, for months now, everyone’s been talkin’ about the Latin explosion. Now, granted, some Latin musicians had really big hits this summer, like Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, and Marc Anthony. [cheers]…Yes. Give it up for Marc Anthony — who is here tonight. God bless. [cheers and some applause]…But Colin, that’s only three people. Uh, is that really an explosion?…I…I mean, th – there’s five guys in Smash Mouth. Alone! I mean, is that, like, a white dude explosion?…Oh, and Matchbox 20, Third Eye Blind, and Offspring were all in the Top 20. No one called it a jackass explosion. [mixed reaction]…But – but more important, Colin, why is the Latin explosion just music? Let’s branch out tonight. I’d like to announce the start of the Latin comedy explosion. [cheers] Yeah!…A-and…to kick it off, I’m going to perform some of the traditional Latin comedy I grew up with….The kind you might see on Telemundo. And, Colin’s gonna help me out.
[Upbeat Latin music begins playing. Colin puts on a fake handlebar mustache and Spanish hat and gets a small bowl and spoon, while Horatio puts on a sailor’s hat with red hair both sides. Some applause before the skit begins.]
[Colin and Horatio speak Spanish; English subtitles appear throughout the skit. Horatio speaks in a loud, high-pitched voice.]
¡Yo quiero helado tamarindo! (Please can I have some ice cream?)
Colin:¡No helado para tí, niño! (No! No ice cream for you, little boy.) [slaps Horatio’s hand]
Horatio:¡Ay!
Colin:¡No! [slaps Horatio’s hand]
Horatio:¡Ay! [Colin slaps his hand]
¡Pero me gusto tamarindo, Tío Colin! (But I want some ice cream, uncle.)
Colin:No, tú eres un niño muy malo. (No, you are a bad boy.)
Horatio:¡Waaaaaa! (Waaaaaa!)
Colin:¡Ave María! Siempre quieres tamarindo. Okay, come el helado. (Holey moley! Always wanting ice cream. Okay, have some. You’re a nice boy.) [gives Horatio the bowl and spoon]
Horatio:¡Qué bueno!…[tastes the “ice cream”] ¡Tamarindooooo! (Hooray! Hooray! I like ice cream!) [end of skit]
[cheers and applause as Colin and Horatio stand up and take some bows, then sit back down]
Colin: Latin comedy explosion, Horatio Sanz, everybody!
Me llamo Colin Quinn, esa es mi historia y me quedo con ella. (I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan Heather…..Heather Graham Will…..Will Ferrell Flight Attendant…..Chris Parnell
[ Establishing shot of an airport. Open to inside an airplane. Will and Heather sit next to each other in their seats as Josh and Laura enter, carrying bags and looking at their ticket. They get to Will and Heather and look at the seat numbers. ]
Laura: [ pointing out the numbers ] Oh honey.
Josh: Oh. I’m sorry, I think you guys are in our seats. Is this A and B?
Laura: Yeah.
Heather: Oh, we thought this was C and D.
Will: Sorry about that.
Josh: That’s alright. It’s Ok, don’t worry about it. It’s not big deal. It’s just, you know, my wife is really particular about her seat. So…
Laura: Ooo! You’re pretty particular about my seat, too.
Josh: You’ve got the best seat in the house.
Laura: [ grinds her hips into him ] Ohh, this seat?
Josh: Yeah, this seat.
Laura: That seat?
Josh: Yeah, this seat.
Laura: Is this the seat you’re talking about?
Josh: That’s the seat I’m talking about.
Laura: Is this the seat?
Flight Attendant: [ breaking in between them ] Speaking of seats, can I ask you folks to take yours?
[ The Zimmermans take their seats ]
Josh: Oh, sure. Don’t worry about it.
Flight Attendant: Hi, I’m Bruce Gaylord, your flight attendant.
Laura: Hi, Bruce!
Flight Attendant: And can I please ask you to store your carry on luggage securely beneath your seat or above you in the overhead compartment?
Laura: Oh, Ok sure. [ to Josh ] I’ll get it.
Josh: Honey, I can get it.
Laura: Sit down, I can handle it.
Josh: You sure?
Laura: Yeah.
Josh: Alright.
[ Laura stands over him, struggling with the bag ]
Flight Attendant: [ stepping in and grabbing the bag ] Why don’t I just stow this fat thing right back here?
Josh: Oh thank you, thank you very much! He’s very sweet!
Laura: Yeah, he’s nice. I like him. I’m going to write a letter!
[ they take their seat ]
Heather: Are…are you guys newlyweds?
Laura: Oh no, we’re just an old married couple.
Captain: [ over intercom ] And, flight attendants please prepare for take-off.
Heather: Honey, how come we never act like that anymore?
Will: [ pointing to headphones ] I’m listening to jazz on 4!
Heather: Hey, how ’bout you try to fit your bag into my compartment?! [ grinding her hips ]
Will: Uh, my bag? What do you mean, I checked it.
Heather: Oh yeah? Well, where’d you check it?
Will: Uhh, at the ticket counter. You were there.
Heather: [ drops hands in defeat, grabs a magazine ] Never mind. Forget it!
Flight Attendant: [ over intercom ] Please note, the captain has turned on the “Fasten Seatbelt” sign. We might be experiencing some slight turbulance up ahead.
Laura: [ searches for seat belt under blanket ] Honey.
Josh: What?
Laura: I can’t find my seat belt. I think it’s stuck.
Josh: Oh, there it is. It’s all twisted. I’ll get it. [ puts his head under the blanket ]
Laura: Just play with it. Ok? Just play with it and then pull it out.
Josh: It’s Ok, I’ll pull it out.
Laura: Ok? You’re playing?
Josh: It’s Ok, I got it.
Laura: And when you pull it out I want you to buckle me.
Josh: [ bringing his head up ] You want me to buckle you?
Laura: [ grabbing his hair through clenched teeth ] I said buckle me. Now get down there and buckle me!
[ She shoves his head back under the blanket as Heather watches on with a big smile ]
Josh: Ok, I’ll play with it Honey!
Laura: [ yelling louder and louder ] Ok, now make it tight for Mama! Mama wants it tight!
Josh: Mama wants it tight?
Laura: Mama wants it tight!
Josh: You want it tight?
Laura: [ grabbing onto the arm rests and thrusting her hips ] Alright, that’s it! Work it, Daddy!
Josh: Daddy’s working!
Laura: Work it, Daddy!
Josh: Daddy’s working!
Laura: [ yelling with Josh ] Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Ok! You got it!
Josh: [ calm again ] It took a long time.
Laura: Sorry!
[ Heather watches them, biting her lip. She grabs her bag peanuts and scatters them to the floor ]
Heather: Oh darn, I’m so clumsy! Honey?
Will: Hey, old Cosby stand-up on 5! Chickenheart! Very funny!
Heather: Look I, uhh, I dropped my peanuts.
Will: Oh. So…so pick them up.
Heather: I want you to get down on all fours and, like, pick them up for me!
Will: [ shrugs ] Alright. [ kneels to the floor ]
Heather: [ throwing a blanket over his head and grinding her hips ] Go on, look for those peanuts! Look hard for Mama! That’s it!
Will: Uhh, hey what’s with the blanket? Is there a reason for the…
Heather: I want you to get down there until you get every single one!
Will: We…we can get another bag of peanuts. It’s not a problem. It’s very dirty down here. [ lifts his head ]
Heather: [ shoving his head down and grinding harder ] I want you to get down on that floor and get those peanuts for Mama!
Will: Ow, my hair! We can get a bag of peanuts! It’s not a problem!
Heather: [ slapping her thighs in frustration ] You’re pathetic! [ stands and storms to the back ]
Will: [ starts to chase her] Honey, what did I… [ sits back down, confused ]
Captain: [ over intercom ] And now I’d like you to sit back and enjoy our in-flight feature film, “Simon Birch”.
Laura: Oh, I love “Simon Birch”. It’s the little kid with the glasses. I’m going to get my, uhh, my neck pillow.
Josh: Well Honey, be careful. There’s turbulance.
Laura: It’s ok, Honey, I’ll be fine. Don’t’ worry about me.
[ Suddenly the plane shakes, sending Laura into Will’s lap ]
Laura: Oh God!
Josh: Honey!
Laura: Oh, I’m so sorry!
Will: Are you alright?
Laura: Yes, yes, I’m fine.
[ Heather comes back and sees Laura in Will’s lap ]
Heather: Oh, so now you’re Mile-High Club Man.
Laura: Oh, no, it was just the turbulance. I just fell…
Heather: Oh really? [ fake stumbles ] Oh! Turbulance! [ falls into Josh’s lap ]
Laura: Oh yeah? Uh-oh, what just happened?! Uh-oh! [ jumps up and falls into Will’s lap, ass in the air ]
Heather: Oh you know, this turbulance is making me really hot! [ rips open Josh’s shirt ]
Josh: Oh, Ok! That’s enough! Thank you!
Laura: [ standing ] You like a…bumpy ride, bitch?
Heather: [ standing to face her ] Yeah, I like a bumpy ride. [ slaps her on the ass ]
Laura: [ grabs her hair ] Oh, I like a bumpy ride too. [ slaps her on the ass ]
[ The two ladies continue to slap and pull on each other as they stand off. Eventually, Josh stands up ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 23rd, 1999 Norm MacDonald Dr. Dre Snoop Dogg Eminem None Giuliani’s World Series BetsSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (Darrell Hammond) announces the high-stakes bets he made with the mayor of Atlanta. Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Transcript
Montage
Norm MacDonald’s MonologueSummary: Suddenly popular Norm Macdonald lets the audience know that he’s not funnier, it’s just that SNL has gotten worse. Transcript
Martha Stewart: The CommoditySummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) announces that she’s living it up ever since her IPO became a stock market success. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
Great Moments in Yankee HistorySummary: Sarcastic Lou Gehrig (MacDonald) insists that he’s actually the unluckiest man on the face of the earth. Transcript
Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Bert Reynolds, AKA Turd Ferguson (Macdonald), returns for more hijinks on Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell), and Sean connery (Darrell Hammond) and French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon) are also admirable foes of the long-suffering “Jeopardy” host. Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, French Stewart. Transcript
CrosstalkSummary: David Gregory (Chris Parnell) covers the subject of “How Thin Is Too Thin?” Recurring Characters: Calista Flockhart. Transcript
Larry King’s News & Views ISummary: Larry King (Norm MacDonald) is back with more News & Views. Recurring Characters: Larry King. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Charleton Heston and the NRA.
Larry King’s News & Views IISummary: Still more News & Views from Larry King (Norm MacDonald). Recurring Characters: Larry King. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Millennium highlights focus on events that never happened. Marla Maples (Cheri Oteri) regrets the mistake of turning 26, thus ending her sexual exploit potential. Recurring Characters: Marla Maples. Transcript
Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg perform “Still D.R.E.”Also Appeared: 96d.
Tooth BrushersSummary: A dentist (Norm MacDonald) and his wife (Cheri Oteri) argue while distributing candy on their doorstep.
Michael Jackson In A BarSummary: Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) tells his woes to his bartender (Norm MacDonald). Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson.
Dr. Dre & Eminem perform “Forgot About Dre”
Inside The Actors StudioSummary: Clint Eastwood (Norm MacDonald) gives James Lipton (Will Ferrell) a hard time during their interview. Recurring Characters: James Lipton. Transcript
Chess For GirlsSummary: Because Chess is traditionally a boring boys’ game, Mattel has femmed it up for the opposite sex with dolls, dresses, and bubbles. Note: Repeat from 12/06/97.
Air Date:
