Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ Mike Myers sits with Lorne Michaels in a back office ]
Mike Myers: Well, he’s not really based on you, Lorne. You know? He’s sort of an amalgam of a lot of different people.. who I, um.. who I respect and admire.
Lorne Michaels: Right. But did you have to name him Dr. Evil?
Mike Myers: [ laughs ] Well, that just happens to be his last name, you know? I mean.. Marvin Gaye is not gay, right?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah.
Mike Myers: And, you know, Dr. Evil’s a really likeable character, Lorne. I mean, he likes animals, he loves his son..
Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.
Mike Myers: And he loves power.. and money.. That’s good, right?
Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.
Mike Myers: Anyways, you know what? You know, Dr. Evil’s nothing like you, Lorne. I mean, you don’t have your “henchmen” kill people.
Lorne Michaels: No.. no, not since the 70’s.
[ Tim Meadows enters ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Mike!
Lorne Michaels: Hey, Tim.
Tim Meadows: Hey, Dr. Evil!
Mike Myers: Hey, he’s not Dr. Evil, Tim! Okay? He’s not! Alright, buddy? Thank you! [ stands ] I mean, you’re not! You know? You’re not Dr. Evil! Okay? He’s so not Dr. Evil, it’s crazy how not Dr. Evil he is!
[ Mike exits ]
Lorne Michaels: Tim, should I be worried about this Dr. Evil thing?
Tim Meadows: [ sits ] No, Lorne. I don’t think a lot of people saw that movie.
[ Kevin Spacey enters ]
Kevin Spacey: Hey, Tim.
Tim Meadows: Hey.
Kevin Spacey: Hey, Lorne, you were great in “Austin Powers”, just so hilarious! Evil. Really funny.
Lorne Michaels: Thank you.
Kevin Spacey: And you were great, too, Mini Lorne Michaels.
[ camera zooms out to reveal a miniarure Lorne Michaels standing on a chair ]
Mini Lorne: Thanks, Kevin!
Lorne Michaels: How are you, Mini Lorne? Are you hungry? Would you like a Hot Pocket? Could I get a friggin’ Hot Pocket around here?!
[ Tim rushes out for a Hot Pocket, as Lorne and Mini Lorne bite their pinky finger ]
David Spade: Okay. Does everyone understand why I’m the only one getting paid tonight? Okay. There was some confusion.
Um.. it’s good to be here tonight. We’ve got Tom Hanks, Michael Douglas in the audience.. Don’t these TV people give you the creeps?I feel uneasy. Um.. no, I’m here to talk about Chris. I did two movies with Chris Faley – a funny one called “Tommy Boy”, and another one called “Black Sheep”. [ laughs ] And, uh, not only was Chris funny, but he was also business-savvy. When “Black Sheep” came out, we were trying to think of ways to raise awareness, something original. We had a great idea – when people sneezed, instead of saying “Bless you”, we’d say “Back Sheep!” It was almost too good. “Achoo! Black Sheep!” Yeah, that never really caught on, not even with friends. Actually, it was more Chris’ idea.
Uh.. but the saddest part about tonight, it’s hard to talk about him, but the truth is no one would have had a better time tonight, all around his buddies, everyone he loved here. And here’s one thing he did with Paul McCartney that I thought was funny.
Fernando: Saludos, my darlings! I am so crazy going nuts to be back, I’m telling you. As always, my nipples are hard, because after 25 years of living la vida loca, I still look mahvelous! I do! And I gotta tell you, darlings, some of you do, too. And you know who you are!
This is such a celebrity-infested night. I look around and I see so many greats. Look at this guy, look.
[ show Steve Martin ]
Phil Donahue. I gotta tell you. Say hi to Marlo, and I miss the phone calls when I would make believe I was somebody, and get you confused on the show. It’s so fabulous to see you. Who else is here? You see a lot of guests, look.
[ show Chris Rock ]
Eddie! Eddie, they said you weren’t coming, but you should be here, because when you did the Alfalfa, with the people going crazy going nuts, we all went nuts. But, darlings, some of the superstars here tonight, I look around the room, some of the beautiful people. I see a beautiful star right here – Miss Susan Sarandon.
[ show Susan Sarandon ]
But Susan here, you’re such a mahvelous actress. You make a non-sexy in a movie, that’s so hard to do. But you torture me tonight, darling, with the shawl and the high neck. On a cold night, like.. oh! Because you always look like they’re coming towards you like two puppies going for the chow. Do you know what I’m saying? They always look mahv-
[ show Gary Busey in the audience ]
Gary Busey! You’re alive! I cannot believe that you are alive! I’m so happy for you, but I lost ten bucks! I can’t believe that! Oh, that swings the whole pool! You have no lines, Gary, but it’s so great to see you. No, I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.. [ Gary stands comically menacingly ] No, sit down! Oh, look, the second coming! I mean, no, when you played the Buddy Jolly, everybody thought you were mahvelous, with the Academy Award.. Who else is here? Look at this. Look who’s up there.
[ show Glenn Close ]
Glenn Close. And I wish I was. Let me tell you something, darling, you look fabulous in a dress from the Geoff Chandler collection. But, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: if Helen Hayes is dead, and I believe she is, you are the First Lady of the American Theater. Now, I’m not kidding you, you are. Look who else is here. I am crazy going nuts!
[ show Susan St. James ]
It’s Susan St. James. Am I right? Is that you? It’s Susan! Let me tel you something. You are my favorite Charlie’s Angel, you are. Because you know why, darling? Because you are the smart one. And it’s a – Oh, God. I’ve got to leave the stage, look who’s here. I cannot believe this, I’m crazy going nuts!
[ Fernando walks over to where David Cone and David Wells are seated ]
Well, if it isn’t Mr. and Mr. Perfect. Look at this. David Cone and.. help me with that name.. David Wells, David Cone, New York Yankees, perfect game. But I’ve got to tlel you something, darlings. Can I sit on your lap just a second? [ sits ] This is from a baseball fan. I went to those perfect games, and I gotta tell you something. Nothing happens. There’s not a jit, there’s not a jomer, nothing. It’s a little boring. Now, you two guys owe something to the fans to have more exciting games than these games where nobody gets a hit and nobody get on. It’s boring! I sit there and go, “What the hell is this?” And I’m a Jankees fan, I’m a big Jankees fan. Tom Janks and I are big Jankees fan. And there’s a bone I have to pick with you, and apparently you’ve been picking some bones yourslf, look at you! I kid you, I’m a kidder! We miss you, we miss you here, David.
[ Fernando returns to the stage ]
Wait! Oh!
[ show Damnny DeVito in the audience ]
There is Danny DeVito. Hello, darling. Danny, we go back a long time. You are a good friend of mine, you are a little Pokemon, you are. No, I mean that! I want to find you in a Happy Meal and trade you with my friends. That’s how much I love to you.
[ sits ]
Oh, darlings, I gotta tell you. I love being back here, and like Errol Flynn used to say about love: Who cares if she’s 15? You know what I’m saying to you? That’s what he used to say.
[ Stage Manager Joe Dicso gives Fernando the signal to wrap things up ]
What is this? Oh, look at this, Joe Dicso – look at this. What are you telling me, that I need a tuck or a trim? No, he’s telling me that we have to go. But let me tell you something, darlings. As I’ve always said, it’s better to look good than to feel good. And now, let’s take a look at some clips, when we all looked mmmmuch younger. Ciao! I’ve got to mambo!
[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]
Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!
[title fades out, lights come up]
Leon Phelps: Hey hey…[laughs] Thank you! What’s happenin’ everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man.” The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? Hm? [cheers and applause] Yeah….That’s good. I’m doin’ pretty fine, I’ve got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! [some applause] That’s right! And very soon, I will take your calls, but before I take any calls, I will be joined tonight by a very sexy and very special lady, who has done more to educate this country on the ways of love than anyone else on the planet. Will you please welcome my guest, Ms. Monica [claps] Lewinsky. [cheers and applause] Come on [stands up] everybody! Yeah!
[enter Monica Lewinsky]
Monica Lewinsky: Thank you! [she and Leon kiss each other on the cheek]
Leon: Ooh, yeah! Have a seat. [he and Monica sit down] Oh, you are looking good, baby!
Monica: Oh, thank you!
Leon: Ye-e-eah! Now, Miss Lewinsky will be quite helpful to us because, uh, I have been told that when it comes to matters of the heart in her own personal relationships, uh, she is known for showing very good judgment, is that correct?
Monica: That’s right, Leon.
Leon: That’s right.
Monica: In fact, um…I’d say I’ve really only been wrong once!
Leon: M hm! Well, you know, we all make mistakes, you know? That’s why God invented the Mexican divorce, you know? So uh, how about we take some calls, all right?
Monica: Okay.
Leon: All right….Go ahead caller, you’ve got “The Ladies’ Man.”
Caller #1: Hello, Ladies’ Man?
Leon: Oooh, it’s a lady! Ha ha! What seems to be your query?
Caller #1: Um, I’m worried, um, I’ve started a relationship with someone at work.
Leon: Yeah. Well, you know, I know that they always say that you should not dip your wang in the company ink, um, but…you know, I think that people should feel free to dip their wangs into anything around the office. You know…Wite-Out, coffee, a box of paper clips, it does not matter.
Caller #1: Right, right. Well, well a – anyway, this guy at work is considerably [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] older than me…
Leon: Mm.
Caller #1: …and also, he’s my boss.
Leon: Oh, your boss? Uh, well Monica, maybe you should answer this one.
Caller #1: Um…
Monica: Um, well, I’d say it’s not a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Believe me. Uh, [chuckles] first, people around the office start gossiping, and the next thing you know, your face is all over Arabic newspapers.
Leon: Ye-eah! I know that’s what happens to me all the time!…Anyway, let’s take another call, go ahead, caller.
Caller #2: Hello, Ladies’ Man. Um, my long-time boyfriend recently took a job in another [takes a sip of Courvoisier] state, and this long-distance relationship is really tearing us apart.
Leon: [after a long pause] M hm.
Caller #2: You know, so, do you think we should try phone sex?
Leon: No. Absolutely not. Um, as one who has tried it, I can tell you it is not good idea to have sex with a phone….Yeah.
Monica: Leon, that’s not what phone sex is.
Leon: [chuckles] Yeah listen, I know, Monica, um…but I had to try it anyways, you know? U – um…you know, I was really drunk one time, and uh…you know, it was one of those, uh, Garfield phones, and uh [some applause]…I’ll be damned if that little orange bastard didn’t start looking good one night! [applause]…But anyway, Monica, maybe the – maybe you can shed some light on the subject.
Monica: [chuckles nervously] Well, um, I did have phone sex with this one guy…
Leon: [nods] Mm.
Monica: His name doesn’t really matter.
Leon: Ye-e-eah! Uh, why don’t we just call him “William Howard Taft,” all right?…And I think you know who I mean by “William Howard Taft.”
Monica: Anyway caller, uh, my only advice about phone sex would be if you do it…don’t tell anybody about it!
Leon: Hm hmm! Well, you know, you could probably tell your best friend though, right?
Monica: No. [chuckles dryly]
Leon: Well, I mean if she was an older, unattractive type lady? [cheers and applause]…Huh? [he and Monica look at each other and laugh]
[cars are zooming by in the background of caller #3’s line]
Caller #3: [undistinguishable between male or female] Hello, Ladies’ Man?
Leon:Heey, it’s a…well, I’m not sure what it is, exactly.
Caller #3: It’s Linda Tripp, Leon.
Leon: Ohhh, well it’s Linda Tripp, [cut to picture of Linda Tripp as played by John Goodman with caption “ON PHONE: Linda Tripp”] everybody! [cheers and applause] Welcome, uh…welcome to the show, Linda!
Linda Tripp: Thanks, Leon.
[cut to Leon and Monica]
Leon: Uh, you have to speak up, honey, I can barely hear you.
Linda: I’m in a phone booth outside a Dunkin’ Donuts on the Jersey Turnpike. Traffic’s pretty heavy.
Monica: Figures.
Leon: Yeah, w – w…well, what seems to be your query?
Linda: Well, [clears throat] you know how I’m the most hated person in America?
Leon and Monica: [looking at each other] Yeah.
Linda: Well, I was just wondering, since you have Monica on the show, maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me. [clicking noises are now heard on the line]
Monica: Forgive you? [Leon and she begin looking puzzled] After what…wait! What’s that clicking noise, Linda? Are you recording this?!
Linda: No. Uh, people driving by are throwing cans and bottles at me. So what do you say, Monica? Do you think you can forgive me?
Monica: No way.
Leon: Well, there you have it, uh, you heard it here first. Uh, for the rest of her life, Miss Lewinsky will hold a bitter, heart-felt grudge against John Goodman. Okay? But, um, that is all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man.” But before I go, uh, Monica, I’d be remissed, um, if I didn’t ask you the one question that is on everybody’s mind.
Monica: Oh. [takes a deep breath] Okay!
Leon: Okay. Just exactly how big do you think the opening weekend for Star Wars will be? [applause and cheers]
Monica: Oh…it’ll be huge.
Leon: Ye-eah, huge! I knew it! Ye-e-eah! [cheers and applause]…All right, then! Well, thank you Monica, very much, and we’ll see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man.”
[fade up title; Leon and Monica chat as the lights dim]
[Fade up to a dissolving series of slow-moving shots of a baby in a home, along with its mother and father loving it and taking care of it. The last shot in the series is the father, worried. The song “Always” by Patsy Cline plays throughout the commercial.]
Song: “I’ll be loving you, always With a love that’s true, always…”
Voiceover: You love them so much. And because you love them, you owe it to them to think about the future. Life doesn’t always work out the way we’ve planned. What would happen to them if something happened to you? [dissolve from the worried father to Lotto logo] Lotto. [fade up “for the ones you love” underneath the logo] For the ones you love.
Black Man…..Tracy Morgan Country Man…..Chris Kattan Gas Station Attendant…..Horatio Sanz
[fade up to a black man]
Black man: The odds was against me.
[cut to a gas station attendant]
Gas station attendant: “Why don’t you give up?” they said.
[cut to a country man]
Country man: “People like you are just wasting your time.”
[cut to a middle-aged woman talking; moderately soft piano music plays throughout the rest of the commercial]
Announcer: All across America, people like these are [cut to a Native American man talking] proving the experts wrong. Believing in themselves and beating the odds. [dissolve to Lotto logo] Lotto.
[cut to an Asian woman]
Asian woman: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “$50 Winner”]
[cut to country man]
Country man:I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “Won Extra Play”]
[cut to gas station attendant]
Gas station attendant: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “$75 Winner,” then fade up “Shared with four co-workers” underneath]
[cut to Native American man]
Native American man:I didn’t give up. [dissolve to wider shot of Native American man with the other five people behind him; fade up caption “$11 Million Jackpot,” then fade up “Missed by only two digits” underneath]
[cut to Lotto logo]
Announcer: Lotto.
[cut to black man]
Black man: Don’t ever let them tell you you can’t make it. [fade up caption “Non-Winner”]
…..Molly Shannon …..Tim Meadows Barbara Walters……Cheri Oteri
[ applause ]
Molly Shannon: Oh my god, Ricky Martin is so cute.
Tim Meadows: I know… God, it’s crazy.
Molly Shannon: Yeah.
Tim Meadows: Oh, he’s so cute.
Barbara Walters: Pardon me. I’m… Barbara Walters. World-renowned celebrity journalist, veteran anchor, and co-host of the hard-hitting news magazine, 20/20. Can you tell me where I might find tonight’s host, Miss Monica Lewinsky?
Molly Shannon: Well, she’s not the host, actually.
Barbara Walters: You see, I have to return a pack of gum to her. She left it in her dressing room right after our highly-rated, exclusive interview, on ABC.
Tim Meadows: Well, um, I could give it to her if you want.
Barbara Walters: I prefer to see her in person.
Molly Shannon: Well… it’s just a pack of gum. I mean, she probably doesn’t even care.
Barbara Walters: For the love of Pete, quit grilling me, you hussy. [ gasp ] Aah.
Tim Meadows: Why da-, why do you wanna see her so bad?
Barbara Walters: If you must know, Tim, I have more questions to ask about the phone sex. You see, I’m in a long-distance relationship with Rupert Murdoch, and I’m ready to take it to the next level. So, I need her advice.
Molly Shannon: Hm, you know what? Maybe try the ninth floor dressing rooms.
Barbara Walters: Ninth floor dressing rooms.
Molly Shannon: Mm-hm.
Barbara Walters: Where are they?
Tim Meadows: Ninth floor.
Barbara Walters: Aah. [ walking away ]: Monica… Monica…
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Cuba: It is great to be back in New York. Actually, actually I was born in the South Bronx and I know you people know the South Bronx! Yeah, it’s good to see the old neighborhood…from the safety of a helicopter. When they asked me to host the show myfirst reaction naturally was great, it’ll be so nice to go back home, and my second was, how much do I get paid?
Audience member: (Blurts out) Show me the money!
Cuba: They told me — hey, listen now, wait, watch out, it’s my show. They told me, they told me a thousand dollars. Now, I’m a famous movie star, c’mon I won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire. A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars so you know, you know what I had to say to ’em. I said, Can I have fifteen hundred? and they said yes so it all worked out. So, I’m here in New York and I’m walking to work and I pass a Brinks armored truck in front of a bank. I’ve never seen a whole truck filled with stacks of hundred dollar bills, so I went up to the two guards and I said, Can I check out what’s in the truck? May I peruse thecurrency?
Crewmember guy’s mind: This I weird, why doesn’t he just say, Show me the money? He’s gotta say it. Say it!
Cuba: So, I went on my way. And later I ran into a friend of mine who had just bought some really old civil war coins, you know? And he was describing them to me and telling me how great they were. So I just looked at him and I was like, Hey! Can I take a gander at those coins? and he said, Hey man c’mon, c’mon ask me the way I want you to ask me. What’s the magic phrase, what’s the phrase from that movie? so I said, Okay, fine, I’ll say it I’ll say it Gimme the gun, Trey! you know thats from Boyz in the Hood.
Female audience member’s mind: (Sitting in audience) Just say, Show me the money, c’mon. I’m gonna get up there and say it. (Starts to get up then sits back down) No I’m not.
Horatio Sanz’s mind: (Off stage) You sick son of a bitch! Just say, Show me the money, dah, say it!
Jimmy Fallons mind: (Off stage) This is the guy, right? This is the guy who said it right; I’m not crazy, right? Maybe it’s not him, maybe I’m crazy. Oh my God, I’m crazy! Oh no wait, wait it is him. Okay, all right calm down. Dont let anyone see you. Maintain…maintain.
Horatio Sanz’s mind: Why doesn’t he just say, Show me the money? I can’t believe this, Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallons mind: I know, why doesn’t he just say it, Horatio? Wait a minute, how are we talking to each other in our thoughts? Oh my God! I am crazy! Why can’t he just say, Show me the money!
Cuba: …and I ended up passing on it. We’re gonna have a great time tonight, and oh…by the way, Show me the money! (Proceeds to do some break dance/touchdown dance thing)
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hi! I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you….Thank you, folks!
This week, Kosovo refugees were greeted by Hillary Clinton as they arrived at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Mrs. Clinton told the refugees that they will have, quote, “the full support” of her and her husband. Followed by, “Hey, where is my husband?” Then, “Has anyone seen my husband?” And finally, “Okay, where’d that gypsy slut with the D cups go?”
As they settled into their temporary quarters in New Jersey, the weary travelers all had the same question: “What’s that smell?” [applause and some cheers]…[mocking a cheering audience member] Ye-es, Jersey…
Yesterday, NATO jets accidentally bombed the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade. The bombing marks a setback for both the peace plan and for Al Gore’s fundraising efforts.
Yesterday they hit the Chinese Embassy; before that, cluster bombs on a hospital and a market; plus earlier this week, a bus. Gee guys, good publicity stunt for NATO! Good move! But you missed the orphanage full of nuns and kittens!…These guys have the aim of Ted Kennedy at a Bennigan’s urinal. [applause and cheers]
In a “60 Minutes” interview with Milosevic’s wife, Mirjana Markovic, she complained about the nickname the West has given her husband: “The Butcher of the Balkans.” She also said she didn’t think it was fair when they called Kenny Rogers “The Coward of the County.”
A jury yesterday ordered “The Jenny Jones Show” to pay 25 million dollars to the family of a gay man who was shot and killed by a guest on the show after he revealed he had a crush on him. In order to prevent this from happening again, the producers of the show have hired a new security guard. [photo of Hugh Hefner]…You know, if every guy went around killing guys who had crushes on them, I would’ve murdered Chris Kattan years ago.
Well, May is here, and it’s just a matter of days until they finally release The Phantom Menace. [photo of Amy Fisher; some applause]
Amy Fisher was granted parole this week after doing seven years in prison, and should be released sometime next week. Fisher says she looks forward to a productive life, and hopes to meet a special man, fall in love, and shoot his wife in the head. [some applause]
Question: what do you get when you cross Joey Buttafuoco with a college education? Answer: [photo of Bill Clinton; cheers and applause]…And you know he’s watching tonight! [cheers and applause]…Sittin’ home right now, watchin’ us…
A…after a meeting with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic released the uh, three American prisoners of war after holding them captive for 32 days. Apparently, white guilt even works in Yugoslavia.
Not one to rest on his laurels, Jackson was in the Midwest this week, where he helped four tornado victims return to their home in Kansas. [doctored photo of The Wizard of Oz characters the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow, Dorothy, and the Tin Man featuring Jesse Jackson’s face on Glinda the Good Witch of the North; some applause and cheers]
Now…fresh from convincing Slobodan [looks to his left to see if his guest is there] Milo – Milosevic [chuckles]…to free the three American POWs, please welcome Reverend Jesse Jackson.
[pan over to Jesse]
Jesse Jackson: A-thank you…a-Colin. Let me say this, if you will. I went to Belgrade, not to embarrass our president, but to free those young men. I approached Milosevic with a handshake, not a hand grenade. I spoke to him with a cool head, not a warhead. I brought him a message of peace, not a message from an answering machine with a wacky tape you can buy through an ad on the television or a truck stop! We must not just choose sides, Colin! We must choose peace!
Colin: Now, many believe Milosevic is using you as a PR stunt to dissolve support for the NATO bombing mission.
Jesse: [after a pause] To that, Colin, I would say, let me quote you a passage, if I may, from the comic strip Momma…in which Momma has asked her son, who was in his late 20s, to move out of the house!…And he responds, “I would love to, Momma, if you would only get me the money…for me to do so.” Do you see the ridiculousness of that, Colin? That the boy would move out, only under the auspices of Momma’s generosity via financial means. But for Momma, this presents no solution at ALL! She did not bomb him, Colin….She did it to a brow-beatin’, nitpickin’, and rat-a-tat-tat. Also remind me of sifa-common-funk-a-wink-a-bean, settle on Sunday.
Colin: Uh, let me stop you ’cause I don’t know what you’re talking about, and…but I can’t figure out how you got the POWs released.
Jesse: Well, it’s very simple. W – we all have God inside of us, even Slobodan Milosevic. I reminded him of that — I told him, “I want to go with you to Alderaan, learn the ways of the Force. I want to become a Jedi like my father before me.”
Colin: Wait a minute! That’s from Star Wars.
Jesse:He doesn’t know that! [some applause]…That’s the best part of dealing with someone who doesn’t speak English! I dated a girl from another land once, and I used to quote B.J. Thomas to her. I would say, “Look, Lang-Chou…I can’t fight this feeling…deep inside of me. Girl, [clears throat]…you just don’t realize what you do to me. Ooga-chaka. Ooga-chaka….
Colin: Okay, that’s enough now!
Jesse: …Ooga-chaka….
Colin: Jesse Jackson, everybody! Jesse Jackson.
Jesse: …Ooga-chaka….Ooga-chaka.”
Colin: Chastity, one of the stars of World Championship Wrestling, has been found to be a former porno actress. In an interview, she said she never brought it up because, “What are the chances that a wrestling fan would also watch porno?”
A huge crowd gathered at the Vatican this week to watch Pope John Paul’s beatification of 20th century Italian monk Padre Pio. For those of you unfamiliar with Latin, “Padre Pio,” translated, means “Puff Daddy.”
Responding to a protest by the ACLU, a tablet from the Ten Commandments was taken down from in front of a Kansas municipal building because they felt government buildings shouldn’t contain religious messages. The tablet read, “Thou shalt not kill, Bingo Friday at 8:30.”
This week, the Tony Awards nominations were announced, and Nicole Kidman, who appeared nude in The Blue Room, was not nominated. And I just want to say one thing to the committee: thanks….Because the last thing we need is for her to get nominated, and then have other hot, young actresses take their clothes off on Broadway. Thanks again. [scattered applause]
This week, Judd Nelson announced it’ll be his last season on the show “Suddenly Susan.” Where the hell is he going? Hey, Judd! It was a nice comeback, but don’t get too frisky, you know?…Call Andrew McCarthy, ask him what it’s like to eat out of a garbage can, buddy boy. [groans and boos]…All right. He’s not really eating out of a garbage can!
According to an investigative report, Tae-Bo creator Billy Blanks has been misleading people about his credentials, including being a nine-time world champion and captain of the Olympic karate team. See that? I should kick his ass….And I would, too, but I’m only on my second tape.
Two upcoming presidential biographies claim Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual. Apparently he plunged the country into civil war, because he hated cotton….I guess if George Washington was the father of our country, then Abraham Lincoln’s the unmarried uncle nobody talks about. [little reaction]
This week, the first advance reviews of the new Star Wars movie came out. Really excited about it is Jimmy Fallon!
[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin….In – in two weeks, uhh, the big movie comes out, and I’m totally psyched to see it, man. Uh, the buildup is huge, I mean, there’s people camped out for weeks just to get tickets, you know?
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray; lights dim to blue]
“Every morning there’s a line around my corner ’cause I live next to the Cineplex The scalpers wanted, like, two hundred for a ticket; didn’t have it, so I wrote them a check I just can’t believe it, George Lucas is a genius, Star Wars is back again First I’m gonna see it, and then I’m gonna see it again
Every morning “Shut the door baby, the movie just started.” ‘Cause every morning–” [song ends]
Something like that. And Sam – Sam Jackson’s [cheers and applause] in it, too. He’s, uh…he’s cool, man. He – he’s cool, he’s gonna play this guy, uh, named Mace Windu.
[sings a parody of “My Name Is” by Eminem with the song’s accompanying beat; does not play guitar]
“Hi, kids! Do you like sci-fi action with Sam Jackson? Gonna blow up like Titanic with Bill Paxton Cool brother with the bald head and goatee Isn’t he the first black guy to be in Star Wars since Billy Dee?
Hi! My name is– what? My name is– who? My name is– chik-a-chik-a Mace Windu!” [end of song; cheers and applause]
And uh, [laughs] I’m, uh…my all-time, uh…my all-time favorite – favorite character is still one of my all-time favorites, so I’m psyched to see him. So it’s gonna be like, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin]
“He says the Force is with you, then he leans on a small cane He’ll make you lift things up without him, he’ll make you use your brain And then you’ll go insane
Gives Jedi advice, livin’ la vida Yoda He won’t tell you twice, livin’ la vida Yoda A swamp is where he lives, he looks like Abe Vigoda He tells it like it is, livin’ la vida Yoda Livin’ la vida Yoda Livin’ la vida Yoda.” [end of song; cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!
Jimmy: Thank you.
Colin: Jimmy Fallon! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Good night!
