Author: Don Roy King

John Goodman’s Monologue

Mighty Mack…..John Goodman
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

John Goodman: Thank you! It’s a treat to be back here at Studio 8H, hosting this show for the sixth time! The last time I was here, I became a member of the 5-Timer’s Club, and, let me tell you, life as a 5-Timer is.. good! You don’t have to learn any lines, you don’t even have to show up until Saturday! But tonight, I’ve become a 6-Time host, and am being upgraded into a club so exclusive, so elite, that I can basically do anything.. I.. want. And this is what I want to do. Put on this sacred uniform, and introduce a friend of mine, without whose sanction, this would not be possible! [ puts on dark shades and a hat, the Blues Brothers look ] Ladies and gentlemen – from City, Illinois.. Mr. Elwood Blues!

[ Elwood Blues walks out ]

1, 2, 3, 4!

Mighty Mack & Elwood Blues:
“Well now when I get the blues, gonna get me a rockin’ chair
Well now when I get the blues, gonna get me a rockin’ chair
When the blues overtake me, gonna rock right away from here

Well, flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye.”

John Goodman: We’ve got a great show! Dan Aykroyd is here! The Tragically Hip is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 16

94p: John Goodman / The Tragically Hip

The Tragically Hip performs “Grace, Too”

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..The Tragically Hip

DAN AYKROYD, wearing the make-up and wig from the previous “The Late, Late Show” sketch as Tom Snyder, stands on home base. He’s now wearing jeans and a white t-shirt displaying CANADA in big, red letters near the neck and the Royal Canadian coat of arms on the center torso.

Dan Aykroyd: Ladies and gentlemen –

[Raucous applause from the audience.]

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you… thank you…

[The audience applause goes up than subsides.]

Dan Aykroyd: From Kingston, Ontario, Canada, home of Kirk Muller, Walter Frank Foy and me, it is my honor to introduce to America, my friends… The Tragically Hip!

[THE TRAGICALLY HIP (composed of lead singer/guitarist Gordon Downie, guitarist Rob Baker, guitarist/vocalist Paul Langlois, bass player/vocalist Gord Sinclair and drummer Johnny Fay), begin to play “Grace, Too]

Gordon Downie: [singing]
“He said I’m fabulously itch”

[Downie takes a beat as he realizes he meant to say rich instead of itch.]

Gordon Downie: [singing]
“C’mon lets just go
She kinda bit her lip
Geez, I don’t know
But I can guarantee
They’ll be no knock on the door
I’m total pro that what I’m here for
I come from downtown
Born ready for you
Armed with will and determination
And grace too”

“The secrets prove of engagement
Are hard to endorse
When the appearance of conflict
Meets the appearance of force
I’m total pro
What I’m here for
I come from downtown
Born ready for you
Armed with will and determination
And grace too”

[Audience applauds. The “SNL” 1975-1995 20th anniversary logo is “spray-painted” on the lower left corner.]

FADE OUT

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Unsolved Mysteries

Robert Stack…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “This program is about unsolved mysteries. Whenever possible, the actual family members and police officials have participated in re-creating the events. What you are about to see is not a news broadcast.”

Robert Stack V/O: Approximately 14 to 18 billion years ago, a massive explosion of carbon-based gaseous materials banded together in what scientists have come to call “The Big Bang”, creating the phenomenon known as existence.

[ show Robert Stack ]

Robert Stack: Where did this matter originate? What existed before this cataclysmic event? Is the universe expanding or is it contracting? Join me tonight, as we attempt to answer these questions.. on “Unsolved Mysteries”.

[ show logo and opening montage appears ]

Robert Stack V/O: In 1956, on a beach near Well Fleet, Massachusetts, a 32-year-old hotel maid, Dora Pasquin, discovers a cryptic message which washes up on shore in an empty Vodka bottle. Upon reading the message, the woman went mad, and vanished, taking whatever was written with her.

Robert Stack: Scientists believe, whatever was contained in this bottle, holds the key to unlocking the origin of all known matter.

Robert Stack V/O: Then, in 1977, Pasquin’s illegitimate son, Don Bolton, after contacting authorities at the Massachusetts Department of Child Welfare, was able to discover the whereabouts of his real brothers and sisters. Still, no trace of the mysterious message could be found, although the family had managed to keep the bottle, which their mother had dropped over twenty years ago.

Robert Stack: Don Bolton died, shortly after this joyous reunion. But not before he revealed the whereabouts of a safety deposit box key, which fit the lock to a personal vault in the basement of the Fleet Savings Bank in Fairhaven, Massachusetts.

Robert Stack V/O: Inside, Don’s sister found some old letters, which alluded to the location of a strongbox, hidden in the old slave quarters of a long-abandoned Louisiana plantation.

Robert Stack: The search of the plantation house turned up nothing. But the family of Dora Pasquin and the world scientific community have not given up hope. If you have any information as to the origin of all matter, the creation of life as we know it, the cause of the Big Bang, the reason for the absorption of life by black holes, the true reactions of mezons, muons and bozons to each other, or anything which could lead us to an accurate measure of the Crown Nebula, please contact the Well Fleet City Police Department, or call our toll-free number. You can help us solve the mystery.

[ show logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Penis Measuring Machine

… Chris Elliott
1st Traveler … John Goodman
2nd Traveler … Kevin Nealon
Hare Krishna … Mark McKinney
Newscaster … Michael McKean
… Lorne Michaels

[Aerial view of a modern airport. SUPER: THE NEWDENVER AIRPORT – Dissolve to the interior of the busyairport terminal. Standing in front of the restroomdoors, cast member Chris Elliott plays the role of apollster. He wears a dark sweater over a shirt and tieand makes notes on a clipboard. A man with a travelbag emerges from the men’s room and Elliott greetshim.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. I’m arepresentative of the New Denver Airport here.

1st Traveler: Hi.

Chris Elliott: Hi, how are ya? Um, and I’mtaking a poll and I’m wondering if I could have amoment of your time.

1st Traveler: Okay.

Chris Elliott: Great. How are you enjoying thenew airport so far?

1st Traveler: Oh, very much so. Thearchitecture alone is spectacular.

Chris Elliott: Yes, it is, isn’t it? Have youbeen taking advantage of our new moving sidewalkswhich enable you to travel from one departure gate tothe next with the greatest of ease?

1st Traveler: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.See, if I have a layover, I just ride the movingsidewalks back and forth, just for the fun ofit.

Chris Elliott: [laughs heartily] They are fun,aren’t they?

1st Traveler: Yes, they are.

Chris Elliott: Okay, [reads from clipboard] and- if the Denver Airport supplied a service free ofcharge to measure your penis, um … would that be ofany interest to you?

1st Traveler: [frowns, after a pause]No.

Chris Elliott: Okay. Thank you very much, sir.Enjoy your flight.

[The traveler nods and exits as Elliott makes notes onhis clipboard. A second traveler emerges from themen’s room.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. Uh, I’m arepresentative of the New Denver Airport here and I’mtaking a poll and, actually, the first question I’dlike to ask you is: where are you travelingto?

2nd Traveler: Waterloo, Iowa.

Chris Elliott: Okay. And is that business orpleasure?

2nd Traveler: That would be pleasure.

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy, I envy you. Have youhad any trouble, uh, with our new computerized baggagecarousel?

2nd Traveler: No. No problems.

Chris Elliott: Okay, fine. Now, if the NewDenver Airport, uh, offered a service whereby yourpenis would be measured quickly and, uh, with ninetypercent accuracy, and at no cost to you, the wearytraveler … would that be of any interest to you,sir?

2nd Traveler: [slight pause] I would have toknow more.

Chris Elliott: Well, it would be a, uh, simplemachine about, uh, [puts hand at level of his navel]yea-high, um, mounted most likely in the men’s room orperhaps a discreet corner of the airport terminalitself.

2nd Traveler: Would the device itself beheated?

Chris Elliott: [nods] It would be heated, uh,self-cleaning and, uh, provided in a smoke-freeenvironment.

2nd Traveler: Hmm. What exactly would itdo?

Chris Elliott: Well, after it measures you, uh,you would get a wallet-sized, laminated card, uh, withyour measurements on it, um, and then that informationwould be fed to our mainframe computer in El Paso,Texas.

2nd Traveler: What purpose would thatbe?

Chris Elliott: Well, in case you lose your cardor it’s stolen, um … you or a verified family membercan, uh, access that information, ah, simply bydialing our 1-900 number.

2nd Traveler: Uh … no, I wouldn’t beinterested.

Chris Elliott: [nods] All right, thank you verymuch, sir. [traveler exits] Enjoy your flight.

[A grinning Hare Krishna carrying a handful of flowersapproaches Elliott.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! How are you, sir? Could Iask you a–

Hare Krishna: [enthusiastic] Yes!

Chris Elliott: Well, you don’t know what I’mgoing to ask you–

Hare Krishna: Yes, I do. You want to know if Iwant my penis measured by a machine.

Chris Elliott: [amused] Well, as a matter offact, that’s exactly what I want to ask you.

Hare Krishna: Well, I would! And I’d like itdone right now!

Chris Elliott: Well, I’m afraid that’simpossible, sir, because those machines have not beeninvented yet.

Hare Krishna: [disappointed] Oh. That’s toobad.

Chris Elliott: Yes. That IS too bad. [dropsclipboard on the ground, breaks character, turns tostudio audience and camera] Ladies and gentlemen, thatis the end of our sketch here. [applause, Elliottraises his arms] Um, no. Please. Hold your applause.[crowd quiets]

Um, I – I don’t know if they’ve yanked me off the air.No one knows that I’m going to do this. Um, I knowmany of you may have felt that this was an infantilesketch and, under other circumstances, I would agreewith you. But, please understand, this was not a sceneabout the new airport in Denver, Colorado. I couldcare less about the new airport in Denver, Colorado.[dead serious] This scene was about the future.Because, in the future, such devices as the ones – theone depicted in our little send-up WILL exist.

[Behind Elliott, fellow cast member Mark McKinney, theHare Krishna, nods in agreement.]

And that’s why, [sighs] after, well, almost tenglorious years as a cast member here at Saturday NightLive, I am now leaving the show. [to McKinney whosteps forward] No, Mark, I am. [some in the crowd say”awww”] No, no, no, stop. [removing his necktie] I’vealready left my family, I’m moving to the desert and Iam going to invent the Penis Measuring Machine. Thankyou. [hugs McKinney, hands him his necktie] Goodbye,Mark. Here’s my tie.

[waves to the crowd] Goodbye to all of you. [cheersand applause] Thank you for all the years of joy andhappiness. [hugs an audience member] You’re wonderful.You’ve all been wonderful. Goodbye. Oh, thank you.[hugs another audience member] Please know that thereare people, especially at this show, that do not wantme to build the Penis Measuring Machine for obviousreasons. So, if anything should happen to me, theprototype for– the blueprints for the prototype ofthe machine are buried underneath my garage. Thankyou! Goodbye!

[Cheers and applause as Elliott exits. Cut to thehallway outside the studio where the image hasswitched from color to black-and-white. A sizablecrowd mills around outside the two doors markedSATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. A newscaster’s voice isheard.]

Newscaster V/O: This has come as quite a shock,the announcement by Chris Elliott that he is leavingthe show. Oh, there he is, there he is.

[Elliott emerges through the doors and, holding hiswrists together as if he were handcuffed, isimmediately joined by a tall man in a cowboy hat andSNL producer Lorne Michaels who soberly lead him bythe arms down the hallway in the same manner thatalleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was led fromDallas Police Headquarters one fateful day in 1963.Without his necktie, Elliott resembles Oswald. Thecrowd trails along behind them as photographers’flashbulbs pop and the newscaster describes thescene.]

Newscaster V/O: His trademark smirk. He isbeing, of course, accompanied by Lorne Michaels andDallas Police Chief Fitz. They’ll be transporting himby van to the desert where he will attempt to buildhis Penis Measuring Machine.

[A man resembling Oswald assassin Jack Ruby runs upabruptly and sticks a handgun in Elliott’sribs.]

Jack Ruby: Elliott!

[A gunshot. Ruby turns and runs off. The crowd reactsin shock. Elliott clutches his stomach and winces inpain, mouth wide open, just like Oswald. Zoom in andfreeze on a close shot of Elliott surrounded by thehorrified crowd.]

Newscaster V/O: Once again, Chris– Oh, my God!He’s been shot! Elliott’s been shot! Somebody shothim!

[Music: “A Horse with No Name” by America. SUPER:CHRIS ELLIOTT / CAST MEMBER 1985-1995. Cheers andapplause as we fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Kato Kaelin … David Spade
Marcia Clark … Laura Kightlinger

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, cracking hisknuckles. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I’m NormMacdonald and this is the news:

Last week, as Pat Buchanan announced his decision torun for president, several people jumped on stagechanting, “Buchanan is a racist.” As security began towrestle them from the stage Buchanan stopped them andsaid, “Let them continue, that’s my slogan.”…

Republican presidential candidate Phil Gramm, ofTexas, said yesterday that if he and President Clintonmet in the general election next year, he would,quote, “Chew him up and spit him out.” PresidentClinton, on the other hand, says that he would takeGramm, deep fry him, dip him in mayonnaise, andswallow him whole. …

Well, the nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyosubway attack, is a colorless, odorless, substancethat swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fillsthe lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it’sstill better than anything on the Warner BrothersNetwork. …

Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reducedfederal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that, incase anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs overlarge breasts.

[Norm glances at a headline which reads: “Judge GivesFerguson 200 Years in 6 Killings”] Well, how ’boutthis, huh? You know, it makes me sick when a societylets a guy like Colin Ferguson live for another twohundred years! It’s … ridiculous, it’s crazy!…

A new study says that people who quit smoking havehealthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story fromthe pages of the medical journal, “DUH” … [Image ofthe October 1994 cover of DUH which features a photoof a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE ISGOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT FORBETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH — cheers andapplause]

The … Hertz rental car company announced this weekthat it will buy five hundred and twenty thousandvehicles, increasing its worldwide fleet twenty-fourpercent. In addition, they will try to find a newspokesman who won’t kill his ex-wife. …

And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O.J. Simpson did NOT appear angry before, or after, theperiod of his wife’s murder. But Kaelin admitted hecould have been a touch edgy while he was actuallymurdering her. Might have been, ah… [applause]

Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week,making it the longest job he has ever held. …[applause]

And now let’s take a look at some of his testimonyfrom earlier this week.

[Dissolve to witness stand. Kato Kaelin enters andsits, dropping an entire cup of water in the process.SUPER: Brian “Kato” Kaelin.]

Kato Kaelin: Sorry. [clears throat]

[Throughout his cross-examination, Kato answersquestions from the offscreen prosecutor, Marcia Clark,with great gravity and sobriety.]

Marcia Clark: All right, Mr. Kaelin, are younervous?

Kato Kaelin: A little, yes.

Marcia Clark: Uh, please tell the court, Mr.Kaelin, what it is you do for a living.

Kato Kaelin: I’m an actor.

Marcia Clark: Oh, really? An actor? And whatkind of parts have you had, Mr. Kaelin?

Kato Kaelin: I did a couple of horror films andI hosted, ah, “Talk Soup.” I think I did a goodjob.

Marcia Clark: Ah, would you say you did abetter job than the guy who hosts it now?

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I would.

Marcia Clark: And do you know the new guy’sname?

Kato Kaelin: [thinks hard for a moment] No, Idon’t.

Marcia Clark: Okay. And how were the ratingsfor “Talk Soup” when you hosted?

Kato Kaelin: I believe they were very high,somewhere around a one point six.

Marcia Clark: [ironic] Wow. Sounds high tome.

Kato Kaelin: It – it is, forcable.

Marcia Clark: Do you have any other specialtalents?

Kato Kaelin: I do an impression of, uh, aStairmaster going to a higher level.

Marcia Clark: Can you please perform thatStairmaster impression for the court?

Kato Kaelin: [glances at offscreen judge forapproval, nods, rises self-consciously, pretends towalk on a Stairmaster while emitting a slowlow-pitched whining, then flips an imaginary switch,walks faster and emits a high-pitched whining, stops,glances around self-consciously and sits]

Marcia Clark: Uh, that’s not very funny, Mr.Kaelin.

Kato Kaelin: [points to someone offscreen] Thatguy was laughin’.

Marcia Clark: Uh, noted. Ah, noted. It alsosays here you can do a dog barking. Do you think thisis something the court needs to hear?

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I do. [clears throat,imitates a small dog barking]

Marcia Clark: [slightly confused] So, then, Mr.Kaelin, you’re saying that was the sound NicoleSimpson’s dog made the night of the murders?

Kato Kaelin: No, that’s a small dog. I can’t dobig dogs.

Marcia Clark: Ah, Mr. Kaelin, you’re – you’reuseless.

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I am.

[Dissolve back to the WU desk where Normnods.]

Norm MacDonald: Kato Kaelin, ladies andgentlemen. [cheers and applause]

[Photo of unattractive hotel owner Leona Helmsley]Well, Leona Helmsley fired a maid this week forstealing her Victoria’s Secret lingerie. [Norm jerks athumb at the photo] If you think she looks hot here,huh? Imagine… if you would, with the …

And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advisesthat men spend two months’ salary on an engagementring while the American Housing Company suggests thatyou spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent.Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommendsthat you spend all your salary — on crack.

And that’s it for now. Good night, folks. See yalater.

[Cheers, applause, music. Norm unhooks the microphonefrom his necktie, rises, drops the mikeunceremoniously on the desk and quickly exits as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 8th, 1995

Damon Wayans

Dionne Farris

David Alan Grier

Dionne Farris, “I Know”

A Statement From Judge Ito

To get back at Sen. D’Amato, Judge Ito (Mark McKinney) does his own impression.

Recurring Characters: Judge Lance Ito.

Damon Wayans’ Monologue

Wayans jokes about the mediocre jobs black people are willing to take.

Bathroom Monkey

(Repeat) See: 10/15/94.

Summer Day Camp

African-American kids are named after products found in the supermarket.

Men On Film

(Wayans) helps Roger Ebert (Chris Farley) explore his gay side.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Jeff Foxworthy (David Spade) explains “You might be the Ebola Virus if..”

Adam Sandler encourages recently-released Mike Tyson to beat up people for him.

Recurring Characters: Jeff Foxworthy.

Trumpet Saliva

Jazz trumpeter (Wayans) expunges saliva onto his audience.

Court TV

Anton the Bum (Wayans) is a surprise key witness at the O.J. Sipson trial.

Recurring Characters: Judge Lance Ito.

Perspectives

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osborne.

Cirque du Soleil

Deep Thoughts

Keeping mosquitos away.

Christopher Walken For Skittles

Christopher Walken (Jay Mohr) endorses Skittles.

Recurring Characters: Christopher Walken.

Tom Jones’ Used Underwear Sale

Tony Bennett (Jay Mohr) shows off the goods.

Day Camp

Male Counselor #1…..Damon Wayans
Female Counselor…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Counselor #2…..Tim Meadows
Busdriver #1…..Adam Sandler
Busdriver #2…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior, African-American day camp, the kids crowd around outside while waiting for their buses to arrive ]

Male Counselor #1: Alright, alright, I want everybody lined up!

Female Counselor: Alright. [ rading from list on clipboard ] Akila, Charneal.. come on! We gotta line up, otherwise we’re not gonna play!

Male Counselor #1: That goes for you, too, Briquette! I want you over there by Pneumonia! Alright, we’re gonna play Red Rover. Everybody want to play Red Rover?

[ the kids yell with excitement, all except for one ]

Male Counselor #1: What’s wrong with you, Lexicon? You too cool to play Red Rover? Maybe you and Monoxodil want to sit on the bench all night! Alright. Let’s pick sides. Latrine, Melanoma.. you two are captains!

Female Counselor: Nah-ah-ah! Melanoma was Captain yesterday!

[ two girls begin to scuffle; Male Counselor #2 breaks them up ]

Male Counselor #1: Hey, hey! What’s that all about?!

Male Counselor #2: I’m sorry.. it’s Noxzema, sir. She and Algebra have been ganging up on Purina and Chlymydia all day.

Male Counselor #1: Fine! Then you’re all four on the same team! Okay.. I want Chinchilla, Hyperbole, Frigidaire and Bulimia – over here, right now!

Female Counselor: Let’s go! Let’s go, on that side! Alright, on this side.. let’s have Quesadilla, Binaca, Silhouette and Agoraphobia! Let’s go!

Male Counselor #1: Okay, over here.. I want Testicle, I want Uretha, and Uvula – over here, right now!

Female Counselor: Uhh.. I think you might want to keep them seperated. Uvula, uh.. over here with Lubriderm, Spatula, Conundrum and Mylanta!

Male Counselor #1: Okay. Now, everybody remembers how to play Red Rover? What you want to do is say, “Red Rover! Red Rover! Send Spinal Bifida ’round over!” And then, Spinal Bifida, you break the human chain.

Male Counselor #2: Okay, I’m sorry.. uh.. anyone taking the bus back to Oceanside, it’s here. So, I’m gonna need Crackatola, Robitussin, Hologram, Nutrasweet, Gynalotrimen, Trifecta and Quinella. Let’s go!

Male Counselor #1: It’s alright, it’s alright.. we can still play! We got Cornea, we got Listerine, and we got Harpischord Duracell!

Busdriver #1: [ enters scene ] Alright, kids, uh.. bus to Greenport! I need, uh.. Fellatio, uh.. Exomon Red Tattooie.. and Abracadabra – let’s go!

Female Counselor: Outta here!

Busdriver #2: [ enters scene ] Sorry, kids! Bus to Hampstat’s here! Let’s have.. Genitalia, Rubik’s Cube, K-Tel, Placebo and Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon!

Male Counselor #1: Alright, then, we gonna have to forget the Red Rover game, but I got another one. We gonna play The Name Game! We’ll start with Onomatopoeia. [ singing ] “Onomato bo-poeia, Banana-fama fo-poeia, Fee-fi mo-poeia..”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
You know what’s probably a good thing to have on your porch
in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests?
Just a big bag full of blood.

SNL Transcripts

Men On Film

Roger Ebert…..Chris Farley
Blaine Edwards…..Damon Wayans
Anton Merryweather…..David Alan Grier

[Men on Film is on, with Roger Ebert and a second man with a half-open black leather vest and a mini police cap with tiny handcuffs attached to it.]

Roger Ebert: I’m Roger Ebert.

Blaine Edwards: [gay voice] Hello, and I’m Blaine Edwards. And welcome to a very special Men on Film. Anton Merryweather is off in Greece romping around with some trashy Marcellus he met. So I’d like to thank Mister Roger Ebert for sitting in. Tonight’s program is brought to you by Blow Pop™, the yummy little candy treat. I bet you just can’t have one. [Unwraps a Blow Pop and begins licking and sucking on it, then hands Roger Ebert one.]

Roger Ebert: Tonight we’re going to be reviewing the blockbuster movies of last year. First off is Pulp Fiction, a gritty dark film noir, starring Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta as hit men who discover that there is more to life than taking someone else’s. Blaine, I thought that Quentin Tarantino really took some chances here. [As he talks, Blaine stares at his chest.]

Blaine Edwards: Oh, I disagree, Rog. You see, this movie did nothing for me. I heard all this Oscar talk about Samuel Jackson and Miss John Travolta, but to me the real story’s about them two sweet little hillbillies that made passionate love to that big black man. See, this is something I could relate to. And who was that gimp on the chain? Honey, that’s a star waiting to happen.

Roger Ebert: Next up we’ll discuss True Lies, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis. In this film, Schwarzenegger plays a spy who’s afraid to tell his wife about the double life he’s leading.

Blaine Edwards: Yes, I just love the sexual chemistry between Arnold Schwarzenegger and  Tom Arnold. I mean, please. True Lies? You can’t fool us, Arnold! We knew all along!

Roger Ebert: Next up we’ll discuss Little Women. I liked this remake of Louisa May Alcott’s famous novel.

Blaine Edwards: Phuff! Hated it! There wasn’t one likeable character in this thing!

Roger Ebert: Then there was, of course, When A Man Loves A Woman.

Blaine Edwards: Hated it! I just couldn’t get past the title.

Roger Ebert: Wow, we can’t seem to agree on anything!

Blaine Edwards: Well, that’s not true, Rog. We both agree you need to lose a little weight.

[Roger Ebert stares at himself sadly, sighing.]

Blaine Edwards: Don’t get mad. There’s nothing being wrong with being a little chubby, or having one!

Roger Ebert: Really?

Blaine Edwards: Yes, I think you’re very attractive. I’d let you do me.

Roger Ebert: You would? You do?

Blaine Edwards: And you’re a much better host than that sleazy little slut Merryweather.

Roger Ebert: Thank you. Next up, Interview With the Vampire, starring Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Christian Slater. Talk about a dream team. They’re the hottest young actors working in film today. My body quivered when I saw all three of them on screen at one time. Did I say that? What the hell was that thing? I’m Roger Ebert!

Blaine Edwards: It’s okay, it’s okay, just let it go! Just go with it!

Roger Ebert: I’m scared! This is so new!

Blaine Edwards: It’s okay, we’re all scared at first. You just take a deep breath and then you just go.

[Roger Ebert licks his fingers and starts rubbing the spots where his nipples should be.]

Blaine Edwards: Mmm hmm! There it is! Whoops, there it is! Whoops, there it is!

Roger Ebert: [gay voice] Next up, Boys on the Side, starring Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Barrymore, and Mary Louis Parker.

Together: Hated it!

Blaine Edwards: I thought this was gonna be a movie about Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp, timesharing on Fire Island.

[Roger Ebert starts sucking on a Blow Pop, rubbing it all over his face.]

Roger Ebert: Me too. What a letdown! Last, there’s Major Pain, the story of a tough major who is put in charge of a group of bad little boys and whips them into submission.

Blaine Edwards: Ooh, I loved it when he shaved their heads bald and then had them running around in a dress! See, that reminds me of my youth. This is what Boys on the Side should have been.

Roger Ebert: Amen! The title alone gets two snaps and a salute! And how about that Damon Wayans? He made me stand in attention! I’d like him for a drill instructor!

Blaine Edwards: You better be careful what you ask for!

[Anton Merryweather enters, wearing a blue and white striped half shirt with the Greek flag on it, a sailor’s hat, and one of those large blue sailor-type bags.

Anton Merryweather: Excuse me! Well, well, well, what have we here?

Blaine Edwards: Heavens to Murgatroid, he’s back!

Anton Merryweather: [to Roger Ebert] Homewrecker! [to Blaine] I guess when the cat’s away, the gerbil will play!

[they slap each other]

Anton Merryweather: It’s . . .  no place like home!

Blaine Edwards: Run, Roger! Run like the wind! I’ve seen him like this before! Just run, go! Go save yourself!

Announcer V/O: This has been Men on Film.

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Damon Wayans

Damon Wayans: Hey. I want to thank Lorne, and the cast and the crew for making.. [ stumbling ] ..my job.. top.. uh.. for making one of my childhood dreams come true. I want to thank Dionne Farris, David Alan Grier, Circe De Soleil – y’all come back. Love and peace.

SNL Transcripts