For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
October 5th, 1991
Jeff Daniels
Color Me Badd
None
Color Me Badd, “I Wanna Sex U Up”
Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed MacMahon, Jay Leno.
Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.
Recurring Characters: Simon.
Earthies
Sarah…..Victoria Jackson
Nan…..Julia Sweeney
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon
Phil…..Phil Hartman
[ open on mothers looking at their babies ]
Sarah: Aren’t they beautiful?
Nan: Yes. I never thought I could love anything so much. You ever worry about what kind of world they’re gonna grow up in?
Sarah: Of course.
Nan: I try to do whatever I can – recycle, buy the right diaper..
Sarah: But, Nan, isn’t Zack wearing a disposable diaper?
Nan: Sarah, we use Earthies. You don’t just throw them away. You plant them. Earthies are the only diaper lined with seeds. [ demonstration plays ] When planted, Earthies’ unique absorbant liner protects the young seedling as it begins to grow. In a short time, an ear of corn emerges from the diaper-enriched soil. And that’s something you and you baby can be proud of!
[ dissolve to the mothers walking through the cornstalks in the backyard ]
Nan: Corn for boys, and pumpkins for girls.
Sarah: And I’ve been using cloth diapers..
Kevin: Hey! What are the moms up to?
Nan: Nothing. Just solving the world’s problems, that’s all!
Phil: [ eating ] Hey, Nan.. great corn!
Sarah: Great diapers.
Announcer: Earthies. The bountiful diaper. Protects their bottoms, protects their planet. From Dell Monty.
Jeff Daniels’ Monologue
…..Jeff Daniels
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Dana Carvey
[ open on audience applauding wildly for Jeff Daniels ]
[ Jeff stares out into the audience, as though confused, then walks determinedly backstage, his face gripped in fear ]
Jeff Daniels: Lorne? Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: [ moves forward ] Jeff. What happened?
Jeff Daniels: I don’t know, I don’t know.. I cane out the door, I looked at the audience, I was trying to relate to the audience, and I didn’t know what to do.
Lorne Michaels: You know, it was over so fast, I don’t think anyone noticed.
Jeff Daniels: No, no, no.. I just.. I choked, you know? All the other hosts, they come out, they’re confident, you know, they’ve got that skip in their walk, and.. they’re into the music, they relate to the audience, you know? They’ve got that kind of genuine thing that you can’t rehearse, you know?
Lorne Michaels: You’re.. you’re joking, right?
Jeff Daniels: No!
Lorne Michaels: [ turns his head ] Dana, come over here. [ Dana Carvey enters ] Jeff’s having trouble with the monologue.
Dana Carvey: What?
Jeff Daniels: Yeah..
Lorne Michaels: Why don’t you just walk him through it?
Dana Carvey: Oh, I can’t believe.. they, they didn’t show you this?
Jeff Daniels: No one told me.
Dana Carvey: It’s really easy! It’s basically eight moves for the host. Pardo says your name: [ in Don Pardo voice ] “Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Daniels!” [ demonstrates each move as he introduces them ] You open the door, you lead off to the right, then you do kind of a Cool Run, you go by the band..
Jeff Daniels: Cool run.
Dana Carvey: Then, Celebrity Skip!
Jeff Daniels: Celebrity Skip.
Dana Carvey: That’s right! Now, turn to the band, do a Pigeon Neck. Pigeon Neck.
Jeff Daniels: Pigeon Neck! Pigeon Neck!
Dana Carvey: That’s good! Turn to the crowd: There You Are! There You Are!
Jeff Daniels: There You Are! There You Are!
Dana Carvey: Or, if you want: Falling Star.. Falling Star.
Jeff Daniels: Falling Star.. Falling Star..
Dana Carvey: Good! almost too good. [ turns around ] This way. Now, back to the band. Here Comes The Plane.. Here Comes The Plane..
Jeff Daniels: Here Comes The Plane.. Here Comes The Plane..
Dana Carvey: Yeah! Yeah! Now, you come back: Trained Seal! Trained Seal!
Jeff Daniels: Trained Seal! Trained Seal!
Dana Carvey: Love you people! Trained Seal! Now, this is optional. A lot of hosts like to go: Open The Fridge, right at the end.
Jeff Daniels: Open The Fridge.
Dana Carvey: That’s right! Okay, you got it. Then you’re free to do whatever you want.
Jeff Daniels: Anything I want? Anything?
Dana Carvey: Yeah!
Jeff Daniels: Can I Arsenio? [ whoops his arm ]
Dana Carvey: [ looks at Lorne, who’s shaking his head ] N-no..
Jeff Daniels: Okay. Okay.. so it’s a Cool Run, it’s a Celebrity Skip, it’s the Pigeon Neck, it’s There You Are, it’s Falling Star, it’s, uh.. uh.. uh.. Bring In The Plane, it’s Trained Seals, and then it’s Open The Fridge.
Dana Carvey: That’s it! Go get ’em!
Jeff Daniels: Okay. Alright. Lorne? Let me just try it again, okay?
Lorne Michaels: Okay. Uh, Jeff.. if you want, you can go.. [ spins finger in the air ] “Whoo-Woo!”
Jeff Daniels: “Whoo-Woo”? Okay. Thanks. [ runs back past Home Base to try again ]
[ end of opening montage plays ]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Jeff Daniels!
Jeff Daniels: [ opens door, does Cool Run, Celebrity Skip, Pigeon Neck, Trained Seal, more Pigeon Neck, There You Are and Falling Star. Then, he adds his own touch, a Moonwalk-style move. ] Whoo-woo! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! That was a piece of cake! We have a great show tonight – Color Me Badd is here! [ does the There You Are some more ] There You Are! There You Are! There You Are! And, we’ll be right back. [ claps his hands ] Trained Seal! Trained Seal! Open The Fridge! Open The Fridge..!
Apex Novelty Company
Mr. Clark…..Phil Hartman
Mr. Jensen…..Jeff Daniels
[ open on exterior, Apex Novelty Company ]
[ dissolve to interior, Boss’ Office ]
Mr. Jensen: [ enters ] You wanted to see me, Mr. Clark?
Mr. Clark: Yes, Tom. Please sit down. [ Mr. Jensen sits ] How long have you been working in the Design Department.
Mr. Jensen: About a month, sir.
Mr. Clark: Well, then maybe you don’t know that we generally like to stick to the tried and the true when it comes to novelty items. For instance.. [ opens desk drawer, pulls out larger-than-life fake vomit ] ..did you design this fake rubber vomit?
Mr. Jensen: Yes, sir.
Mr. Clark: Well.. first of all, why did you make it so big? I mean, someone wouldn’t vomit this much vomit, would they?
Mr. Jensen: I-I-I guess I just thought.. more vomit would be funnier! [ laughs ]
Mr. Clark: And why did you put this whole sandwich in it?
Mr. Jensen: As a joke. It is a joke thing, right?
Mr. Clark: Yeah, but.. well, let’s move on, uh.. maybe you can tell me what this is. [ walks over to file cabinet, picks up rubber log and places it over his head ]
Mr. Jensen: Oh.. that’s the Fake Log Through the Head.
Mr. Clark: Well.. I’m familiar with the Arrow Through the Head.. but.. but a log? How would.. how would you even get a log through the head?
Mr. Jensen: Well, uh.. say you were out chopping some firewood, and, uh.. after you chopped a piece, you were throwing it on this big pile.. and, just then, a guy walked by, and it hit him on the head. [ laughs ] That actually happened to me.. that’s where I got it..
Mr. Clark: Yeah, but it wouldn’t go through your head, would it?
Mr. Jensen: No.. but that’s why it’s funny! [ laughs ]
Mr. Clark: [ removes log from his head, sits back down ] Finally.. I was curious about this.. fake ice cube you designed. Instead of having a fly in it, it has a little tiny shrunken head. I guess I’m at loss to understand, first of all, how a head could get this small.. and then, somehow get into an ice cube? I..
Mr. Jensen: Well.. to be honest with you, Mr. Clark.. I really don’t know.. I guess I just thought it would be scarier than a fly!
Mr. Clark: [ pause ] Tom, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go. It’s not quite working out.
Mr. Jensen: Okay. I understand, Mr. Clark. [ pulls cigar out of his jacket ] Could I, uh.. could I give you this cigar?
Mr. Clark: Well, thanks, Tom. That’s very nice of you.
Mr. Jensen: Uh, here.. let me light it for you. [ pulls out lighter, flicks it on, then extends his hand offscreen to Mr. Clark’s mouth ]
[ an explosion sounds – cut to close-up of Mr. Clark, smoke rising over him, a skeleton head now perched atop his body ]
Mr. Clark: Sooooo.. an extra powerful exploding cigar! I like it! No, I love it! Jenson, you’re back on the payroll!
Mr. Jensen: [ elated ] Thanks, Mr. Clark! But I don’t want to be paid in joke money!
[ the both laugh uproariously as the scene fades out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 2
91b: Jeff Daniels / Color Me Badd
Richmeister’s Rival
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Tom…..Mike Myers
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Sandy…..Julia Sweeney
Larry…..Jeff Daniels
Randy…..Kevin Nealon
[open on Richmeister]
Richmeister: Tom! Tommy! The Tommeister! Makin copies!
Tom: Hey Richard.
Richmeister: El Tomacito! St. Tom of St. Thomas Cathedral!
Tom: Later, Rich. [leaves]
Richmeister: [as Tom is leaving] Tommy!
[Steve enters the Copy Room]
Richmeister: The Stevenator! Back from vacation! The guy with the tan! The Tanmeister!
Steve: Yeah, I did get a little sun.
Richmeister: Tan-a-rama! Admiral von Townhouser of the S.S. Capitol! Mr. Bain de Soleil!
[enter Sandy and Larry ]
Sandy: Hi, Richard.
Larry: Hey, Richard!
Richmeister: Sandy! The Sandstress! Sanditized for your protection! Sandy!
Larry: Hey, Rich.
Richmeister: [flatly] Larry.
Larry: [singing to the tune of Davy Crockett] Richard, Richard Laymer, king of the wild frontier! [laughs]
Sandy: [to Steve] Steve, Id like you to meet Larry Hansen.
Steve: Hi, welcome aboard.
Sandy: Steve just got back from the Bahamas.
Larry: [singing to the tune of Daniel Boone] Steve Levine was a man, a big man, fought for America to keep all America free.
Steve: Its nice to meet you.
Larry: [singing to the tune of Beethovens Fifth Symphony] Steven Levine, Steven Levine, Steven Levine, Levine, Levine, Levine [leaves]
Steve: [to Sandy] So, hes the new guy you were talking about, huh?
Sandy: Yep.
Steve: And does he not get along with Richard?
Sandy: I think Richard feels threatened by him.
[camera pans on Richmeister, looking uncomfortable]
Steve: Its silly, it seems to me they do completely different things. Rich does the variations on the names, whereas Larry, based on what Ive seen, sings the names.
Sandy: I know, but Rich just feels the whole name thing is his area.
Steve: Ill try to talk to him.
Sandy: Okay. [leaves]
Steve: [to Richmeister] Rich! The Richmeister!
Richmeister: [flatly] Steve.
Steve: You have nothing to worry about.
Richmeister: [flatly] Steve-O.
Steve: You and Larry are completely different. Theres no problem, youre far more creative.
Richmeister: [looks up at Steve in surprise] Steve?
Steve: Yes, you are.
Richmeister: [usual tone] Steve! [grins]
Steve: See you later, Richmeister. [leaves just as Larry enters]
Richmeister: Larry! Checkin out the files!
Larry: [singing] Richard Layman was a big man [mumbles]
[Randy enters the Copy Room]
Richmeister: Randy! The Rand Man!
Larry: [singing to the tune of Mandy by Barry Manilow] Oh, Randy you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away, oh Randy
Randy: Hey Larry, hey Richard. Just making some copies.
Larry: [singing to the tune of Davy Crockett] Randy, Randy Thompson, king of the wild frontier.
Richmeister: Randatolla! Rand McNally! The Randibulator!
Larry: [singing to the tune of Daniel Boone] Randy was a man, was a big man [simultaneous with Richmeisters nicknames]
Randy: Stop it! Im trying to make some copies. Just give me some peace, honestly.
Richmeister: [to Larry] Randy wants some peace. [to Randy] The Rand Man! The Peacester!
Larry: [singing to the tune of Mandy by Barry Manilow] Oh, Randy you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away, oh Randy
Randy: Listen, I dont know whats going on here, but this is ridiculous. I mean, you guys should be friends. Youre both equally irritating. [leaves]
Richmeister: Larry!
Larry: [singing to the tune of Hey Jude by The Beatles] Hey, Rich, dont make it bad.
Richmeister: [singing to the tune of Daniel Boone] Larry Hansen was a man, was a big man
Larry: The Richmeister, makin friends with the Larrinator! [they both laugh] Larrinator with the Richmeister!
Richmeister: [singing] Larry Hansen.
Larry: Rich-a-rama. Richinator
Submitted by: Johnny Lurg
Don’t Get Me Wrong
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon
Glen…..Dana Carvey
Kurt…..Jeff Daniels
[ open at a country club golf course ]
Kevin: You know what it is, Glen? Howard just doesn’t care. All he cares about is what he can get out of the deal, he doesn’t care who’s inconvenienced.
Glen: Well, it’s just, you know, he’s going through that tough divorce..
Kevin: Oh, I know, I know, believe me.. but you know, you’d think the guy would have a little consideration. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I like Howard, he’s a dear friend of mine, I’d do anything for him. It’s just that.. you know.
Glen: I know.
Kevin: So.. you going to the lake this week?
Glen: No. Hank screwed up the boat. He’s such a jerk. I specifically told him not to use it, so of course he does, and he runs into a sandbar. He has no respect for my stuff. You know what? I don’t respect him.
Kevin: Really?
Glen: Oh, absolutely. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love the guy, I’d give him the shirt off my back, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. It’s just that.. you know..
Kevin: Oh, I know. I know what you’re saying. He’s a great guy, but..
Kurt: [ enters with his clubs ] Hey, guys. How’s our tee-off? Are they backed up?
Glen: Yeah, about a half-hour. Crimmons doesn’t move ’em along fast enough.
Kurt: You know, what the hell is wrong with him? You know, the guy never does his job! He’s useless, you know? God, he never did do his job! The guy’s more senile than a.. I don’t know what..
Kevin: Come on.. come on, Kurt, he’s doing his best.
Kurt: Hey, if that’s his best, I’d hate to see his worst, you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know – he’s a wonderful man, I love him like a father, I’d take a bullet in the heart for the guy. It’s just.. you know..
Kevin: No, no, I understand.
Kurt: Where’s Randy? I thought he was joining us today.
Glen: Yeah, that’s what we thought, too.
Kevin: Yeah, but when does Randy ever get the word? The guy doesn’t have an ounce of integrity in his body. Just for the record, I didn’t invite him here today. I wouldn’t give him the right time of day!
Kurt: Wait a minute.. I thought you and Randy were, like, really good friends..?
Kevin: No, no, trust me.. the guy is swine! I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know – I love Randy, he’s like a brother to me, I worship the ground he walks on, I’d throw my body in the mud to keep his shoes clean. You know.. it’s just that, you know..
Glen: Oh, no, no, I understand.. Yeah, but if we don’t tee off soon, I’m only gonna be able to go 9.
Kevin: Really? Why?
Glen: I gotta meet with that new contractor.
Kevin: Whoa, whoa.. what happened to Nick?
Glen: Oh, you mean Nick the Thief, Nick the Liar? That sonofabitch overbilled me twenty grand! I should kick his ass! He’s a real backstabber, let me tell you.
Kurt: I thought you were happy with him?
Glen: He’s scum! He is scum! I mean.. don’t get me wrong, you know – there’s no one I care more about on the planet than Nick. You know, if he were dirty I’d lick him clean with my tongue and then apologize for not having a towel to dry him with. It’s just that.. you know..
Kevin: Oh, no, no.. absolutely.. I understand, I understand.. [ turns head ] Kurt. Poker tomorrow night at Roy’s, if you’re interested.
Kurt: Can’t make it.
Glen: Not crazy about Roy?
Kurt: Oh, no, no! I like Roy. I like Roy. He’s a sonofabitch, but I like him, you know? No, it’s not Roy, it’s my brother-in-law, I gotta help him move.
Kevin: Too bad..
Kurt: Yeahhh, that pain in the ass has been sleeping on our couch for the last week, you know? He’s nothing! The guy’s nothing more than a free-loading, leech-sucking loser. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I idolize Charlie, I’d hold him to my breast and suckle him like a newborn calf! You know, I’d massage the guy in oil for two hours, and then let him lather me up and then ride me like a big boy! It’s just.. you know. You know what I’m saying!
Glen: No, no, I don’t..
Kevin: I don’t think we know what you’re talking about here. What are you talking about – “Ride me like a big boy”? I mean, what are you, some kind of pervert?
Glen: Yeah, I don’t get it..
Kurt: No. Guys, I’m talking figuratively here.
Kevin: I’m serious, Kurt, maybe you ought to leave, we’re not enjoying your company..
Glen: Yeah, gut out of here, you freak! What is that?!
Kurt: [ gets up ] Come on, guys, I’m just trying to make a point!
Kevin: We get your point.
Glen: “Ride me like a big boy”!
Kurt: Fine! Suit yourself! [ leaves ]
Glen: Man, has he changed, or what?
Kevin: He’s definitely changed.. I always thought he had a probblem, I saw it all along..
Glen: He’s a freak! He gives me the willies.
Kevin: He’s just dirty! [ shivers ] I mean, don’t get me wrong – I like Kurt, I’d give him a sponge bath and rock him to sleep, if I had to.
Glen: Oh, yeah, right. I’d dress up like a woman and talk dirty to him, if he wanted me to.
Kevin: Yeah, I’d shave my legs and wear pumps and squeal, if the guy wanted me to..
Glen: Oh, yeah, me too! Me, too!
Kevin: Absolutely! No, no, I understand!
[ their course number is called ]
Glen: Oh, great, that’s us. Finally. [ they walk over to the cart ] Oh! Here comes Lenny.
Kevin: Please. I’m not talking to Lenny.
[ they drive their cart offscreen, as the sketch fades out ]
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
October 12th, 1991
Kirstie Alley
Tom Petty
Ted Danson
Woody Harrelson
George Wendt
Kelsey Grammer
Tom Petty, “Into the Great Wide Open”
Recurring Characters: Ted Kennedy.
Recurring Characters: Pat.
Using the word “puke” at the dinner table.
Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Cutting down screaming trees.
How a child can resemble a deer.
Il Cantore Restaurant
Headwaiter…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Kirkpatrick…..Kevin Nealon
Mrs. Kirkpatrick…..Kirstie Alley
Marcello…..Mike Myers
Marco…..Chris Farley
Carlo…..Rob Schneider
[ Mr. & Mrs. Kirkpatrick enter Il Cantore Restaurant ]
Headwaiter: Welcome to Il Cantore, so nice to see you again!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Actually, it’s our first time here..
Headwaiter: Oh, Senore, Bellisima! This is a special night! [ kisses Mrs. Kirkpatrick on the cheek ] Okay!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: We’re the Kirkpatricks, reservation for two.
Headwaiter: [ checks registry ] Kirkpatrick! Kirkpatrick! Reservation for two, it’s-a right here! Senor, Bellisima! [ kisses her again ] Let me take your coat, huh?
Marcello: [ stepping forward ] No, no, no, no! Don’t worry about your coat, okay, I’ll take your coat! [ removes her coat ] Bellisima! [ kisses her on the cheek ]
Headwaiter: It’s-a so nice of you to spend your birthday with us! Bellisima.. [ kisses her more rough on the cheek ]
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: [ giddy ] Oh, it isn’t my birthday..
Headwaiter: An anniversarie? Oh, anniversarie! Bellisima! [ kisses her some more ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: No, no.. it’s not our anniversary..
Headwaiter: Oh, you want I make a special table for you, alright? I make it for you, you can wait at the bar, maybe about five minutes, okay?
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Oh, that sounds really great!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Well..
Marco: [ tending the bar, throws out a kiss ] Senor! Bellisiama! Come! Have a drink!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Uh, we’ll just sit anywhere.. anywhere is fine..
Headwaiter: A hungry man, eh! [ laughs ] And, Bellisima.. [ kisses her again ] Now, come and sit down.. sit down.. Bellisima.. [ shows them their table ] I’ll be right back, sit down, take it easy.. [ walks off ]
Carlo: [ walks up ] How are you two doing? Oh, Bellisima! [ grabs her and kisses her ]
Headwaiter: [ pops back in ] I told you I take-a care of you! This is-a Carlo, he’s our best man! Anniversarie!
Carlo: Oh, so this is the anniversarie! [ kisses her once more ]
Headwaiter: Okay, I leave you in good hands, Senor! Bellisima.. [ strokes her hair back and licks her ear ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Uh.. do you mind?
[ Headwaiter walks off ]
Carlo: [ starts rubbing Bellisima’s hair ] Tonight, we have special annivesarie dish for you!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Excuse me? Excuse me, do you mind?!
Carlo: Oh! You no have appetizer! Fabio! Bring appetizier!
Fabio: [ enters carrying dishes ] Here is-a brisquette. It has-a diced tomato on-a toasted bread. And-a antipasto for Senore.. and Bellisima.. [ pulls her blouse open and peeks within ] Oh, yes!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, what are you doing?!
Carlo: What’s the matter, you don’t like-a brisquette?
Headwaiter: [ runs in ] Carlo! What you bring them?!
Carlo: I tell Fabio to bring brisquette and antipasto for Senore and Bellisima..
Headwaiter: [ dismayed ] Antipasto for their anniversarie? [ sends him away ] Oh, I’m so sorry, antipasto..
Mr. Kirkpatrick: That’s not the problem..
Headwaiter: No, no, no, no, I know.. listen, I make a special tuna capaccio for you, alright?
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Ooh, now that sounds really good!
Headwaiter: [ elated ] Oh, you like? Oh, good! I make-a cappaccio for you, Bellisima.. oh, you like.. oh, Bellisima.. [ starts licking her face ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, look, come on! Excuse me, this is getting really out of hand here! Hey! Excuse me! Hello!
Headwaiter: [ jumps up ] I know, I know, Senore! Two capaccios, okay! I have to check on another table, alright! [ moves over to table behind the Kirkpatricks ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: This is ridiculous! They’re groping all over you!
[ Headwaiter props a Female Patron onto her table, holds her legs in the air, then starts thrusting himself into her ]
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Oh, honey, it’s just their custom. I mean, people in Europe are a lot more open than we are..
Mr. Kirkpatrick: I don’t care what they do in Europe! This is our country, and it doesn’t seem right.
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Look, this is their restaurant, okay? And a very famous one! Please, honey.. now, don’t embarrass me, I’m hungry.
Mr. Kirkpatrick: I’ll try.. I’ll try.. it’s just..
Carlo: [ returns with food and no pants ] Okay, okay, okay! Capaccio!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get away from my wife with that!
Carlo: What’s the matter, capaccio no good?
Headwaiter: [ sticks his head between Female Patron’s legs for a better view ] What?! What you do now?!
Carlo: They don’t like the capaccio!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: No! No!
Headwaiter: How you know you don’t like it if you don’t try!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: For the last time, it’s NOT the food!
Carlo: You have no water! Fabio!
Fabio: [ brings in glasses, wearing only a speedo ] For Senore! And for Bellisima! [ rubs his face over her blouse ]
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Hey! Hey! Alright, THAT’S IT! We are OUT of here! [ stands up, amidst their protests ] No! No! I don’t like YOU! [ pulls his wife to the door and exits ]
[ outside ]
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself..
Mr. Kirkpatrick: What are you talking about?! Those guys are creeps!
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: I thought they were sweet.. [ acknowledges them pressed against the glass inside ] Now, look how upset they are!
Mr. Kirkpatrick: Forget it! Forget it! I am NOT going back in there!
Mrs. Kirkpatrick: Well, then where are we gonna eat? I’m still hungry.
Mr. Kirkpatrick: [ points across the street ] There’s a Greek restaurant across the street. Let’s go there!
[ they cross the street, as the waitstaff still presses against the window ]
[ fade to black ]
Coffee Talk
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Sheila…..Kirstie Alley
Saul…..Phil Hartman
Caller…..Julia Sweeney
Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Paul Baldwin.
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m the guest host Linda Richman. My friend, the regular host Paul Baldwin asked me to fill in this week. Long story short, he’s going to recover nicely. Now, I don’t offer him coffee. It gives me shpilkes in my genecktecessoink. And it aggravates my hiatus hernia. So this week’s show is dedicated to the best entertainer in the history of show buisiness. Barbra Streisand.
Sheila: Barbra Joan Streisand.
Linda Richman: Yes. This is my best friend Sheila.
Sheila: Hello!
Linda Richman: I’ve know her since I’m six.
Sheila: Six! And this is my husband Saul.
Saul: What?
Sheila: What? What? That’s all I get. I get a what. Saul you’re a shlup.
Saul: Sheila, Sheila. You asked me drive you here. I drove. What, I got to talk too?
Sheila: What? You’re a muchlob. Saul, Where did you park?
Saul: I circled for 20 minutes and I found a beautiful place next to H&H Bagels
Linda Richman: The best bagels in the city. They’re like buttah. Okay, back to Babs. She’s coming out with a new movie, Prince of Tides.
Sheila: And by the by that Babs and I are exactly the same age.
Linda Richman: Me too. (holds up Vanity Fair). But I ask you, is this the body of a 50 year old lady?
Sheila: You know, I would die for hands.
Linda Richman: They’re like buttah.
Sheila: I however have Tody Beile hands. He’s by the way dead.
Linda Richman: Very dead. Now let’s talk. Why do we love Barbra Streisand so much. Is it because she’s so vaulty and brash?
Sheila: No it isn’t. The reason is, she got out. Now when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina, and my mother told me, “Sheila, you’re a poor mescite from Brooklyn with a hook nose. You will never, ever be a ballerina.” And like a schmuck, I listened. Barbra, no, she got out. Excuse me I’m a little emotional about this right now.
Linda Richman: Listening to your story, I’m a little verklempt myself. Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves (holds it all in). There I feel better. You’re right she got out. I however married an adogio dancer with turquoise hair, and carpel tunnel syndrome. Couldn’t even open a door. May he rest in peace. Okay let’s go to the phones. The number is 555-4444.
Sheila: Four, four, four, four. That’s 4 fours.
Linda Richman: Four to the power of four. Welcome to Coffee Talk. Hello you’re on the air.
Caller: First of all, I hope Paul’s okay.
Linda Richman: He just has a bit of the genecktecessoink. No big whoop. Go on.
Caller: Did you know Barbra has a new boxset collection with all of her recordings in it?
Linda Richman: Yes. I knew that. It’s called “Just for the Records,” and it contains every song she’s ever sang. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s like buttah.
Caller: Yes it is. Does it have the song “The Way We Were?”
Sheila: Does it? It has all of the songs including.. May I?
Linda Richman: Oh. Please Do.
Sheila: (sings to “The Way We Were”) Memory. Like the corners of your..(giggles)
Linda Richman: Wonderful. It’s like buttah, her voice.
Caller: And then Barbra sees Robert Redford getting in a cab in front of the plaza.
Linda Richman: “Hubble! Hubble! Come back!”
Sheila: Don’t go! Oh, I adore Robert Redford.
Linda Richman: And he has a beautiful goyeschaponnum. It makes you want to have Christmas. It was a beautiful scene. Again I’m just a little verklempt. A little emotional, little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Progressive Era was neither progressive nor an era. Discuss! (holds it all in) There I feel better. Who knew?
Sheila: Now as we were saying. Barbra has a new movie “Prince of Tides” with, go figure, Nick Nolte.
Linda Richman: Barbra must know what’s she’s doing.
Sheila: She must.
Linda Richman: She’s god. (Saul gets ready to leave)
Sheila: Saul, where are you going?
Saul: I got to go. I got to put a coin in the meter.
Sheila: Right in the middle of the show, right in the middle of my television debut, you have to go?
Saul: What, you want me to circle for an hour?
Sheila: God forbid you should circle for one hour.
Linda Richman: Obviusly, I’m in the middle of a domestic. Well that’s all the time we have for this week. My name is Linda Richman.
Sheila: And my name is Sheila (pauses) Ornstine. I changed it (sings) Nickie Ornstine, Sheila Ornstine. What a beautiful, beautiful, na-ame.
Linda Richman: It’s like buttah. Alright, next week God willing, Paul will be back for Coffee Talk. Goodbye people (begins singing “People” as scene fades away.
Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!
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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke”,
but, to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.