For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
May 10th, 1986
Paul Simon
Catherine Oxenberg
Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Penn & Teller
Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers.
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
(Repeat) See: 11/16/85.
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
May 17th, 1986
Jimmy Breslin
Marvin Hagler
Level 42
E.G. Daily
Sam Kinison
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 17
85q: Jimmy Breslin & Marvin Hagler / Level 42, E.G. Daily
Level 42 performs “Something About You”
…..Jimmy Breslin
…..Level 42
JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.
Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!
[ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing Something About You. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]
Level 42: [singing]Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Mark King: [singing]
How
How can it be?
That a love
Carved out of caring
Fashioned by fate
Could suffer so hard
From the games
Played much too often
But making mistakes
Is a part
Of life’s imperfections
Born of the years
Is it so wrong
To be human after all?
Level 42: [singing]
Born into the stream
Of undefined illusion
Those diamond rings
They can’t disguise the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing]
That there is something about you,
Baby, so right
I couldn’t be here without you,
Baby, tonight
Mark King: [singing]
If ever our love
Was concealed
No one can say
That we didn’t feel
A million things
And a perfect dream of life
Gone
Fragile but free
We remain
Tender together
If not so in love
It’s not so wrong
We’re only human after all
Level 42: [singing]
These changing years
They add to your confusion
Oh and you need to hear
The time that told the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing]
Because theres something about you,
The way you are so right
(Baby)
I couldn’t live without you
(I couldn’t live without you)
Baby, here tonight
Level 42: [singing]
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh,
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Mark King: [singing]
And that there’s something about you, yea
Level 42: [singing]
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Mark King: [singing]
And I couldn’t live without you, tonight
Level 42: [singing]
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
[The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskins portrait of Level 42s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 18
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
May 24th, 1986
Anjelica Huston
Billy Martin
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic
None
Lorne Michaels
Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through.
Transcript
Montage
Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man.
Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.
Transcript
The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid).
Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.
Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.
Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.
National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.
Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.”
Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.
Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Lesbian BarSummary:
Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe.
Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.
Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters.
Transcript
Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests.
Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch.
Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.
Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.
LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.
My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television.
Transcript
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”
GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out!
Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season.
Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
My Friend
Tracy…..Joan Cusack
Dana…..Danitra Vance
Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
…..Lorne Michaels
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]
Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.
Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.
Tracy: Oh, come on!
Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.
Tracy: Well, thanks.
Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?
Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.
Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?
Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.
Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.
Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.
Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?
Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.
Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.
Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —
Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.
Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.
Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.
Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!
[ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]
Dana: Hello there!
Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!
Dana: Hi!
Colonel Sanders: Hi.
Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!
Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?
Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?
Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —
Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!
Billy Martin: I had two beers!
Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!
Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!
Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!
Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!
[ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ]
[ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]
Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ]
[ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
Goodnights
…..Lorne Michaels
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Anjelica Huston
…..Billy Martin
[ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]
Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!
[ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]
Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?
Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!
Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..
Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!
Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..
[ everyone shares the sentiment ]
Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!
Everyone: Yeah!!
Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?
[ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?
Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!
Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!
Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.
Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]
Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!
[ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]
Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?
Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..
Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]
Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ]
[ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]
Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?
Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!
Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?
Billy Martin: I never felt better!
Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!
Billy Martin: Goodnight!
[ cue Closing Music ]
[ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ]
[ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ]
[ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ]
[ fade out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
Hands Across America
Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
Leader…..Nora Dunn
Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
Supporter…..Terry Sweeney
FADE IN:
[ PROMOTIONAL FOOTAGE from VOICES OF AMERICA’S “HANDS ACROSS AMERICA” MUSIC VIDEO ]
Chorus: [singing]
“Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America”
[ EXT. TEXAS – DAY ]
[ SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN WEST TEXAS ]
Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!
[ The crowd cheers. ]
Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?
Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”
Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…
Supporter #2: Homeless?
Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.
Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.
[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]
Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?
Supporter #3: I’m sorry…
Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.
Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.
Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?
Supporter #2: No.
Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.
Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.
Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?
Supporter #2: Yep.
Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?
Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.
Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!
Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!
Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?
Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!
Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic
Anjelica Huston’s Monologue
…..Anjelica Huston
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
…..Billy Martin
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!
Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:
Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —
[ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.
Billy Martin: She is.
Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.
Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.
Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.
Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?
Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?
Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?
Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.
Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ]
[ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]
Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?
Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.
Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?
Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.
Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.
Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —
Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!
Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]
Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.
[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]
Billy Martin: You again?
Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.
Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.
Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.
Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.
Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]
Billy Martin: Get out of here!
Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ]
[ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]
Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!
Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!
Billy Martin: Well, good for you.
Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?
Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —
Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.
Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.
Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!
Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.
Ron Reagan’s Monologue
…..Ron Reagan
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Reagan!
[ audience cheers Ron as he enters Home Base ]
Ron Reagan, Jr.: Yeah, you haven’t lived ’til you’ve hyperventilated on live television! Od course, I just want to try something here. I want to see a show of hands: how many people here.. think that I was asked to host “Saturday Night Live”.. because I’m a new contributing editor with Playboy magazine?
[ audience cheers and applauds ]
Oh, really? That’s alright. Okay. Now.. how many people here.. think that I was asked to host the show.. because.. my father’s.. the President of the United States?
[ audience cheers and applauds louder ]
That’s what’s I thought. That’s what I thought, yeah!
You know, a lot of people – most people – believe that the President of the United States – whoever he or she might be – is the msot powerful person in the world. But how many people know.. who the second.. most powerful person in the world is? [ audience members begin to quietly chant responses, as Ron chuckles ] You might think it’s the Secretary of the State, maybe.. maybe the Chief of Staff, Speaker of the House.. maybe even the First Lady. [ shakes head ] Uh-uh. [ points thumb toward himself ] That’s right! That’s right. The President’s youngest son.. is the second most owerful person.. in the world!
It has its advantages, I have to say. For instance, uh.. oh.. you might have fantasized about taking an F-16 fighter plane out for a little low-level stunt-flying over a densely-populated area. No problem. No problem, when you’re the second most powerful person in the world.
Or, uh, maybe dream of giving away multi-million dollar water projects as Christmas presents. Just a matter of a few phone calls.. when you’re the second.. most powerful person.. in the world.
Okay, enough about me, right? We’ve got a great show. We’ve got The Nelsons, special guests Penn and Teller. [ audience applauds ] And, and for the first time in the history of the show, the show is being carried on the Armed Forces Television Network. [ audience cheers ] Now, it was a request – a special request – of the sub-Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces. It’s, uh.. it’s my sister Patty.
Anyway, we’ll be right back!
White House Risky Business
President Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid
Nancy Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
…..Ron Reagan
[ open on exterior, sign: Camp David ]
[ dissolve to interior, President Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan dressed in country clothing on bed, talking to Ron, Jr. over the phone ]
President Ronald Reagan: Hello, Ron? It’s Dad. Uh, I’m here with Mommy and, uh.. we just arrived, and wanted to call and.. say that we arrived, and, uh.. just to see how you’re doing, and uh.. well, uh.. how are you doing?
[ cut to close-up of Ron, Jr., dressed in pink shirt, obviously on the phone in the Oval Office ]
Ron Reagan: I’m fine, fine, Dad. Thanks for calling.
[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]
President Ronald Reagan: Now, Ron, while we’re gone, you are in charge of the White House. And, uh, I don’t have to remind you what a responsibility that is. So, uh.. be sure to leave the lights on, and lock the door when you go out. And, uh.. if you have any problems, with the heating or the plumbing, or anything, and you can’t reach us, just call George or Barbara Bush – that’s what they’re there for.
[ cut back to Ron, Jr. ]
Ron Reagan: Sure, Dad. I gotcha.
[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]
President Ronald Reagan: Well, uh.. your mom is, uh.. Nancy motions to be handed the phone ] ..starting to give me dirty looks here.. [ Nancy humorlessly shakes her head no ] ..so, I’ll hand the phone over to her.
[ Nancy takes the phone ]
Nancy Reagan: Ron? It’s Mom! I just wanted to say we love you, and trust you, and, one more thing – this is very important. You know the red phone in the Oval Office? If that starts to blink, look on the refrigerator. There’s an instruction marked “Strategic Bomber Component of Nuclear Triad.” It’s tacked up there with a little banana magnet!
[ cut back to Ron, Jr. ]
Ron Reagan: Okay, Mom. I-I got it. You guys don’t worry about anything, just.. just have fun, you two, okay?
[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]
Nancy Reagan: We will, son.
President Ronald Reagan: Goodbye, son, be good!
Nancy Reagan: [ enthusiastically ] Bye, honey!
[ they hang up the phone ]
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I feel better already!
Nancy Reagan: See? I don’t know why you don’t trust him?
[ dissolve to exterior, White House – night ]
[ Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock And Roll” pots up ]
[ cut to interior doorway, Oval Office ]
[ Ron, Jr. slides into frame dressed as Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” He lip-syncs into a trophy, dances over to the fireplace and shows off his moves while crouched in front of the audience, his ass cheeks wiggling. ]
[ Ron throws down the statue, grabs a broom, and jumps on top of the President’s desk and shimmies while playing air guitar, then jumps off the desk and does a split on the carpet ]
[ Ron jumps backfirst onto the couch and wiggles his legs high into the air, then flips onto his stomach and shakes his body loose before jumping up and dancing through the room again ]
[ exterior shot of the White House reveals a tiny silhoette bouncing in the upper window ]
[ Ron raises his collar, flips off his sunglasses and turns to face the camera ]
Ron Reagan: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”