Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 11: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 7th, 1985 John Lithgow Mr. Mister Sam Kinison None Halley’s CometSummary: Mad scientist Dr. Federico (John Lithgow) warns President Reagan (Randy Quaid) that Halley’s Comet is going to strike the planet Earth. Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
Montage
John Lithgow’s MonologueSummary: A nervous John Lithgow sings “Getting To Know You” to cope with being on live television. Transcript
Where You’re GoingSummary: Self-indulgant yuppies are going straight to Hell. Note: Repeat from 11/09/85.
Bug Up The ButtSummary: Irritable Bob Danielson (John Lithgow) literally has a bug up his butt.
Master ThespianSummary: Master Thespian (Jon Lovitz) ad his mentor Baudelaire (John Lithgow) compete against on another in an acting duel. Recurring Characters: Master Thespian, Baudelaire. Transcript
Double R RollsRecurring Characters: Rudy Randolph III, Rudy Randolph, Jr.
Mr. Mister performs “Broken Wings”
The Ad CouncilSummary: With a series of changing backgrounds, the Ad Council is able to completely waste your time following its message. Transcript
Dad’s ClichesSummary: Debbie’s (Joan Cusack) father (John Lithgow) can only offer cliches in her time of need. Transcript
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Nancy Reagan’s Showbiz DreamSummary: Nancy Reagan (Terry Sweeney) fantasizes that she’s in Las Vegas performing a rendition of “That Old Black Magic.” Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan, Ronald Reagan.
[ open on Spokesman walking past an electrical plant, dressed in a business suit ]
Spokesman: It takes many things to make this country great, and energy is just one of them. But there was a time when America needed less of its scarce resources..
[ Spokesman walks into a country plain, now wearing a country shirt, bandanna, and jeans. A cowboy riding a horse can be seen behind him. ]
A time when the cowboy and his horse ruled the fertile farmlands and grasslands of these United States. But now those same grasslands are full of..
[ he walks into a wheatfield, wearing a turtleneck, a flannel shirt and green denim ]
..pollen and other irritants. Now some people don’t get hay fever, but those of us who do, need relief. Relief, and security..
[ he walks past a stock exchange, his outfit changes to a three-piece suit, with glasses ]
..Sound, financial security. The kind of security you get..
[ now walks onto a suburban block, outfit changes to a casual suit ] ..from living in a good neighborhood. [ looks up ] Hi, kids! [ his children run up to him, daughter hands him a can of soda ] You know, when I was Tommy’s age, I played little league baseball right over there. [ drinks from can marked “SODA” ] Mmm. That’s cracklin’ good. Let’s go home, kids!
[ they walk towards home ]
Announcer: This message brought to you by The Ad Council. Wasting your time in various ways.. for no good reason.
SummaryAfter a five-year absence, Lorne Michaels is back as Executive Producer of the mainstream variety classic he introduced late-night viewers to an even-decade earlier. Returning to the helms of his creation, he takes a cue from former producer Dick Ebersol, and brings in his own all-star roster, which includes the familiar likes of Randy Quaid and Anthony Michael Hall to the not-so-familiar likes of Terry Sweeney and Danitra Vance, all the way to the likes of future Hollywood stars Joan Cusack and Robert Downey, Jr. Despite the potential of Lorne’s second cast, only newcomers Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz and Dennis Miller make it to the next season, Nora with her vain model-turned-talk show host Pat Stevens, Lovitz with his Pathological Liar, and Miller with his almost Christopher Guest-look-a-like appearance behind a resurrected Weekend Update desk. Dismal ratings caused Lorne to set the season-ending cast party ablaze,sparing only Jon Lovitz’s life – Dennis Miller and Nora Dunn apparently outsmarted the other cast members and found their own way out!
[Gray-haired Tony Manetti, in a cap, apron, andstriped vendor’s uniform, is discovered alone in aspotlight on a darkened Home Base in front of a blackcurtain. He works the aisle at a boxing arena sellingbags of snacks to the patrons. The camera, playing therole of an old friend, trucks slowly towardhim.]
Tony Manetti: [gravel-throated New York accent]Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go,hurry up. Hey, how ya doin’? How are ya, huh? Peanuts,popcorn, twenty-five cents a bag! Let’s go, there yago, pal. Let’s go. [catches a tossed coin] Oh! Thankyou, pal. Peanuts, popcorn, twenty-five cents abag!
[stares into approaching camera, points at it, as ifgreeting an old friend] Heyyyyyy! Hey, how areya? Huh? How are ya? Huh? How are ya?Huh? … Who are you? … [recognizes his oldfriend] Oh, yeah! Hey, yeah! How are ya? Yeah, ya lookgood, ya look good. You do. I – I don’t see so good,all this stuff hangin’ over here. Hey, you look good,you look good, you really look good. You do. You do.You look good. I swear, you look good. You do! Youlook great. I think you do. Ya do. Huh? How areya?! …
Yeah. Hey, you still fightin’? Oh. How come? Youstarted to bleed at the weigh-ins? Yeah, well, youknow … That happens. That happens. Boxing’s a toughgame. We’re in a tough racket. But I love the sweetscience. I love the game. Yeah, these kids today aregreat. These fighters today are great, they is.They’re great, they are. But, you know, I think it’stough, you know? The black fighters today are thegreatest fighters, I think. You know, you got, like,Tommy Hearns is great. And the Marvelous MarvinHamlisch, he’s great! They’re all great! …
See? See, but I think we had it tougher when we wasfightin’, right? Because, like, the Jewish fighterswere fightin’ then. And the Jews are tougher to fight,I think, because the Jews are used to fightin’ athome. … You know what I mean? All day long, they’regoin’ “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!””Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “What did I do?” “You left thatmuch soda in the bottle, ya put it back in therefrigerator! Drive me nuts!” “Oh, yeah? Who the hellleaves an egg in a cup stinkin’ up the place? Youknow? You makin’ me crazy! It’s disgusting!” “Oh,yeah? You bought retail!” “I did not!” “Yadid!” “Ya didn’t!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!” “And youain’t so kosher! When you eat out, I seen you eatshellfish!” “I did not!” “Ya did!” “Ya didn’t!”So by the time they get in the ring, they’re nuts,right? … I get in the ring, they look at me and go,”You did!” I go, “I didn’t!” AND THEY BEAT THE HELLOUT O’ ME! …
[calms down, grins, gently] But I look better now,don’t I? Yeah, I – I got this fixed. [points to hisnose] Yeah, yeah, I had it put in the middle. Butthat’s it. … That’s all. See? See? See? See? Andnow, now there’s this whole movement, you know, youknow, to stop boxin’! They wanna stop boxin’! They do.You know, that group, what do you call that, eh –?Right! The, uh, the AMA! They wanna ban boxin’. Theythink that guys – They think that guys – They thinkthat guys get hurt! Listen. I had over a hundredfights. And I NEVER was REALLY hurt. You know? I evenfought nine fights in one night. Nine. Because none ofthe other fighters showed up. … I fought nine fightsin one night because I loved it! And this group –this, uh, A.F.L. — thinks they know – they know whatgettin’ hurt is. All right. I’ll tell ya about that.Sunnyside Gardens in Queens. I’m fightin’, uh, Ernesto”the Gardener” Torres, right? Now, Ernesto breaks mynose, he does, in the first round. Clean. Pow! Rightthere. My eyes are shut and, finally, after a littlebit, I visit the – the canvas, you know? I go down, Igo down, I do. The referee comes over and he says,”Tony! How many fingers am I holdin’ up?!” I looked athim and I said, “I think I’ll order the lamb chops,please.” Now …
This, ah, NBA group thinks that that is hurt. Iwas STUNNED! That’s all! I was NOT hurt! … [pause]What? I’m sorry. I – I went to Coney Island for asecond. Now … See – see, this now – It makes memad, you know. If – if – if they wanna stop theviolence in boxin’, don’t let nobody ride the subwayto the arena, that’s all. But let me tell ya this.They can’t stop the boxing. They can’t – Theycan’t take these kids’ futures away from them, youknow what I’m sayin’? The thing about it– See, thefighters could help themselves. They could.They could help themselves. You just gotta know whenit’s time to QUIT! You know when it was time for me toquit? The eighth fight o’ that night. You know? … Ihit the canvas for the thirteenth time, see, see, see?And I looked out over the crowd – and I seen afamiliar face in the third row goin’ [whispers] “Staydown, Tony. Stay down.” [beat] It was ME! … That’swhen it’s time to get out. You know? So, you tell thisgroup, y’see? See, even that night, I wasn’t hurtthen. I was just DAZED! That’s it. So this group,this, uh, this CIA group, they don’t– I hope this,uh, MBL don’t ever stop the sweet science. Don’t stopthe sweet science. You know? If they stopped it, wewouldn’t’a’ had the Joe Louis, we wouldn’t’a’ had theAlis, we wouldn’t’a’ had these people if they hadstopped it. See, this group, they DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’!
Now, lemme tell ya somethin’, pal. You know, I had alot o’ fights. An’ I took a lot o’ punches. An’, tokeep my health, I took a brain scan. And you knowsomethin’? They didn’t find nothin’. … So,tell that to that group, I’ll tell ya that right now.Hey, did you hear the bell for the fights? Ya did?Whew! Good. All right. Now, listen. I’ll, uh, I’ll,uh, wait for ya, if you – you wanna get togetherafterwards, after the fights, if you wanna see me,after, we– Yeah. Yeah, I would love to have abeer with you. We’d be breakin’ training, though.Yeah, okay, come on! Yeah, I’ll be right there! Wherethe hell else am I goin’? All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay, see ya. [the camera tracks back and away fromTony as he goes back to work] Peanuts, popcorn,twenty-five cents a bag! Hey, how are ya?!
[Cheers. Applause. Tony shadowboxes. Dissolve to awider view of the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]
Lieutenant…..Roy Scheider Stevens…..Rich Hall Devoney…..Jim Belushi Lawrence…..Martin Short
[ Liuetenant enters the police precinct withLawrence right behind him ]
Lieutenant: What have we got, Stevens?
Stevens: Well, we searched his place, Lieutenant. There was no sign of the money, or the girl.
Lieutenant: [ walks over ] Come on, Devoney – don’t be stupid all your life. You tell me where the girl is, and maybe the DA can cut a deal.
Devoney: What are you talking about, Lieutenant? I was out all evening.
Lieutenant: With who?
Devoney: Your wife. I finally got to the head of the line! [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: Take a walk, Stevens. Lawrence and I don’t want to be disturbed. [ Stevens exits the room ]
Lawrence: I don’t believe that guy’s story for one second, Lieutenant! Why don’t you call your wife and check it out?
Lieutenant: Just listen, Lawrence.. this guy is a tough SOB, but I think we can crack him. What do you say we try the old “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine?
Lawrence: [ amazed, and anxious to see it work ]
Lieutenant: Look, Devoney.. I understand your butt is on the block. If it was up to me, I’d cut you loose. But my partner here, he’s got a bad temper, a realbad temper. Right, Lawrence?
Lawrence: I agree, Lieutenant! [ smiles wildly ]
Lieutenant: Now, the truth, I don’t know how long I can hold him off.
Devoney: [ looks Lawrence over ] I’ll take my chances.
Lieutenant: I did what I could, Lawrence. He doesn’t want to talk to us.
Lawrence: [ starts to sob ] Oh, no, that’s, that’s terrible.. now, we won’t ever find the girl! And we won’t get our vacation, either! And it’s so sad.. because my mother wanted to go to Tampa in Auguest! I should have..
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What the hell are you doing?!
Lawrence: It doesn’t seem to be working, Lieutenant! Why don’t you try being the sad cop?
Lieutenant: What?!
Lawrence: You know – Good Cop, Sad Cop.
Lieutenant: Bad Cop! Bad Cop! B-A-D!
Lawrence: Oh, great start spelling, like I’m not embarrassed enough?
Lieutenant: Just remember – good cop.. bad cop. [ returns to Devoney ] Now, look, Devoney, this guy is on the edge of some serious bone-breaking. Just lucky for you he’s doing a slow burn. Now, for the last time, where’s the girl?
Devoney: Turning tricks, With your mother. [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: [ to Lawrence ] Take him!
Lawrence: Now, look.. [ holds up his hands, which are handcuffed together ] I accidentally handcuffed myself, Lieutenant! [ to Devoney ] I guess I’m a real bad cop, huh, Devoney? I think you should just tell me where the girl is, because I’m such a bad cop..!
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What’s the matter with you?!
Lawrence: I’m doing what you told me – good cop, bad cop!
Lieutenant: Not bad like incompetent! Bad like in vicious! Mean!
Lawrence: Ahh..
Lieutenant: Good Cop.. Bad Cop!
Lawrence: Alright, Lieutenent, then!
Lieutenant: [ returns to Devoney ] I’m warning you, Devoney – this guy is so crazed, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!
Devoney: Yeah, tell it to my lawyer – he’s making it with your sister! [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: [ laughs back ] Okay, Devoney, you asked for it. Lawrence?
Lawrence: [ sits ] Well, I’m sorry about my partner, he tends to get very, very upset. Can I buy you some pie, or possibly a..
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What are you doing?!
Lawrence: Did you want to be the good cop? ‘Cause if you do, that’s no problem..
Lieutenant: Look, look! It’s simple! It’s simple! Just watch – Good Cop, Bad Cop! [ returns to Devoney ] Let me at ‘im! Let me at ‘im! I’ll eat his face off! [ pulls Devoney up, then jumps to the opposite side of him ] Now, look, Lieutentant, don’t do that.. I mean, violence never got us anywhere..
Devoney: [ slightly confused ] That’s right..
Lieutenant: [ reverts to Bad Cop ] Don’t give me any of that liberal crap! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll tear him apart! I’ll eat ‘im alive!
Devoney: Who’s this guy..?
Lieutenant: [ Good Cop ] Now, look.. now, look.. I don’t know how long I can hold him off.. he’s an animal, he’s an animal.. please, for your own sake, tell us where the girl is..
Devoney: Uhh…
Lieutenant: [ Bad Cop ] I don’t care where the girl is! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im..! [ turns to Lawrence ] You see?! It’s simple! It’s easy! Any idiot can do it!
Lawrence: Well, let’s do it..
Lieutenant: Except the idiot I got for a partner! I’m going down to the squad car.. before I hurt somebody! [ exits room, shattering glass everywhere ]
Lawrence: Gee.. he seems to have lost patience with me, Mr. Devoney.. so, if you wouldn’t mind, on the way down to Headquarters, if you would just, you know, kind of ride up front with him in the car?
Devoney: [ surrenders ] Here, here, here.. [ pulls out a pair of keys ] Here’s the keys! The girl’s locked up in a warehouse on 8th Street!
Lawrence: [ takes the keys ] Hey, Lieutentant! I think I found a clue! [ pulls out handcuffs ] Okay, Devoney.. you’ve had an easy ride of it so far, but you are coming with me! [ thinks he’s handcuffed Devoney, but he ends up pulling the chair out instead ]
[ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]
Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It’s unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it’s amazing! It’s so amazing, it is unbelievable!
[ Phil enters the apartment ]
Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?
Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It’s almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?
Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What’s the big rush, huh?
Ricky: I’m excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It’s my favorite day, it is unbelievable!
Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don’t know what you’re in a rush for, you know? Your 49er’s are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.
Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I’m really, really scared!
Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?
Ricky: Sure.
Phil: This is for the game, while we’re watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..
Ricky: Great.
Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..
Ricky: Great.
Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.
Ricky: Unbelievable!
Phil: It’s unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you’re handing me your five bucks that you owe m.
Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I’m running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?
Phil: What are you, a creep?
Ricky: What are you, a moron?
Phil: What are you, a jerk?
Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?
Phil: What are you, a doofus?
Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!
Phil: Alright, relax.
Ricky: It’s Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!
Phil: You’re a brisquet-breath!
Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?
Phil: You’re a schmegma!
Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don’t like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?
Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..
Ricky: Ooohhh..
Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]
Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?
Phil: It’s frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..
Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!
Phil: That’s pretty great, huh?
Ricky: That’s unbelievable!
Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..
Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It’s the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He’s unbelievable!
Phil: That’s really funny. You’re a dipstick, you know that?
Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that’s very funny. You are a creton.
Phil: You’re a douchebag!
Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!
Phil: Okay, let’s watch it.
Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.
Phil: What did you say?
Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.
Phil: You’re a midget!
Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.
Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He’s not gonna lay a hand on him, I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Ricky: Oh, really?
Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he’s gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!
Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?
Phil: Yeah, I really do!
Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal – if my boy “Mad Dog” Fred Dean don’t sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who’s so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..
Phil: Right.
Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?
Phil: You will?
Ricky: I will.
Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: You’re a dimwit!
Ricky: You’re a peabrain!
Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino’s nipple. Did I ever tell you that?
Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that’s really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?
Phil: Yeah.
Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?
Phil: That’s nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.
Ricky: Right, that’s really nice. Let me ask you this – could you, like, fail a written driver’s test, like, eight more times, maybe?
Phil: Wait, let me ask you this – the idea is, what, that you’re never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I’m looking at a Whitman’s Sampler of boulders over here! That’s attractive, that’s great.
Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!
Phil: I’m looking, pal, put it down!
Ricky: Let’s have a truce, okay? It’s Super Sunday.
Phil: Okay. Truce.
Ricky: What’s for dinner?
Phil: I got two Le Dinners.
Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?
Phil: Look – Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?
Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!
Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?
Ricky: What’d you get?
Phil: First one here – Night Nurses 3-D”. You still got them glasses?
Ricky: Absotutely!
Phil: Alright. Okay, we got “17 Wet & Willy”. This one’s Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?
Ricky: That’s it.
Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?
Ricky: Mmm-hmm..
Phil: No?
Ricky: Ain’t going near that one, I’ll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting “Clan Caravan Part II”?
Phil: We couldn’t get it!
Ricky: Why not?! I don’t wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..
Phil: You loved it, really!
Ricky: I don’t like animals..
Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what’s it say to you?
Ricky: It’s time for the game!
Phil: Alright, let’s get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky’s TV, but nothing happens ] What’s the matter with your TV set?
Ricky: Nothing! It’s a great set!
Phil: What are you talking about?
[ TV sparks and explodes ]
Ricky: That’s unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!
Phil: This is great! Why don’t you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?
Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?
Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!
Air Date:
Greg Kihn, “Lucky”
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Billy Ocean, “Caribbean Queen”
