Author: Don Roy King

Wing Tips

Clerk…..Rich Hall
Manager…..Jim Belushi

[ open on Clerk sweeping the floor by the electronic doors of the store ]

Manager: Virgil! I’m going home for lunch! I want this entire floor spotless by the time I get back! I don’t want you to leave until it’s finished. Do you understand me?

Clerk: Yes, sir. [ Manager starts to walk away ] Will there be overtime, Mr. Hurvitz?

Manager: Overtime? Do I look like Mr. Moneybags to you?

Clerk: No, sir.

Manager: DO I?!

Clerk: No, sir.

Manager: [ angry ] I want this floor spotless. [ exits store ]

[ Clerk picks up electronic mat by the door so he can sweep under it. A female customer walks by and crashes into the doors ]

Clerk: I’m really sorry.

[ curious, the Clerk steps on the electronic mat, which sits in front of a snack machine. The door to the snack machine opens, spilling its contents. The clerk’s wheels start spinning, as he cuts the electronic mat into the shape of the soles of his shoes and glues them on. ]

[ Music Over: “The Street Only Knew Your Name” by Van Morrison” ]

[ Clerk practices his new shoes in the frozen food section, where threee freezer doors open ]

[ Clerk exits the store, opening the front electronic doors with his shoes ]

[ Clerk walks past a mailbox, which spills letters and envelopes ]

[ Clerk walks past car, whose doors, trunk and hood all pop open ]

[ Clerk walks past pallbearers carrying a casket. He offers one of the pallbearers a light, as the casket slowly creaks open, startling the pallbearers. ]

[ Clerk enters the hall of his Manager’s apartment building, rings the bell and drops a shoebox containing the electronic shoes at the foot of the door as he quickly disappears ]

[ Manager opens his door to discover the shoebox, grabs it and returns inside ]

[ dissolve to a few minutes later, as the Manager exits his apartment wearing his new shoes. Every time he closes his door, it quickly swings open, until he gets so aggravated he just leaves it open. ]

[ As Manager walks away, his briefcase opens and spills papers to the hallway floor. The Manager scoops up all the papers, but the briefcase refuses to close. Aggravated, the Manager hurls the briefcase into the stairwell as the door opens al by itself. ]

[ Continuing down the hall, the Manager doesn’t think twice about the elevator doors opening before he presses the button, so he walks right into the open shaft ]

Manager: Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!!

[ camera angle shows the empty elevator shaft, as the doors close behind the fallen body ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 1st, 1984

Ed Begley, Jr.

Billy Squier

None

Billy Squier, “Rock Me Tonight”

Kate & Ali

Recurring Characters: Katherine Hepburn, Mohammed Ali.

Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

(Repeat) See: 11/10/84.

Refrigerator Magnets

(Repeat) See: 10/20/84.

Let’s Watch TV

Recurring Characters: Chi Chi, Consuela.

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm.

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

…..Christopher Guest
…..Rich Hall
…..Gary Kroeger
Nathan Thurm…..Martin Short

Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with anchorperson Christopher Guest.

Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: John Gavin says that the President is not “gaga”. He said President Reagan is sometimes portrayed by the media as gaga, but is actually mentally alert and capable of dealing with complex issues. “You read in the press that he is gaga, but he’s demonstrated a keen grasp of arcane and complicated issues.” Gaga? We looked it up. “Gaga”, in the dictionary: gaga, from the French “gaga”. Fool. Doddard. Mentally foolish. Crazy. Doting. Used in an Aldous Huxley quote: “Slowly becoming gaga, becoming a senile imbecile.” It’s only right that John Gavin should defend the president against these accusations. John Gavin, by the way, is the movie actor who appeared in “Four Girls In Town” and “Tammy, Tell Me True,” and is now the United States Ambassador to the Republic of Mexico, having been appointed by fellow actor Ronald Reagan, who appeared in “Cowboy In Brooklyn” and “Brother Rat & The Baby”.

Christopher Guest: Here with some home economy tips, is our Consumer Affairs expert Rich Hall.

Rich Hall: Thank you, Chris. You know, far too often we hear the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a free sample.” Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is negative thinking. I’ve spent a god deal of time recently, combing supermarkets and shopping malls and places like that for.. free stuff. Stuff that doesn’t cost absolutely one penny. Things that you cna use for home improving, decorating, entertaining guests..

For instance, next time you visit the supermarket, pick up a roll of these visible hand puppets. [ holds up a produce bag ] It’s fun and entertaining for the kids, and the youngsters get a valuable look at the physiological and skeletal makeup of a hand puppet.

Anybody’s that ever painted their house, they know how expensive it is. So, next time you visit the hardware store, just grab about 8 or 9,000 of these. [ holds up a handful of paint sample strips ] And staple them to the side of your house. I figure eight or nine trips to the hardware store, you could have enough to cover the entire three-bedroom house.

Now, if you’re driving home, you may want to stop by the drive-in bank, and make a handy addition to your home dinner glass collection. [ holds up the deposit tube, banging it on the desk ] Sturdy, but durable.

And, if you visit a shoe store, did you know that these things are free? [ holds up the foot measurer ] It’s true. It makes a great cookie serving device there for parties, for snacks, you know exactly how many have been eaten.. you can figure out square roots on this thing, somehow.. and, if you have roaches at home, this makes a great football field for them!

So, just a few items to keep in mind when you’re looking for free stuff that exists in the universe. Just trying to help, I’m Rich Hall. [ hands Christopher the foot measurer ]

Christopher Guest: [ plays with the foot measurer for a moment, then remembers the camera ] Thank you, Rich.

These are this week’s headlines from Washington: Sen. Bob Dole was elected Senate Majority Leader; TV newsman Bernard Kalb is the new spokesman for the United States State Department; President and Mrs. Reagan have broken the record for the most helicopter trips to Camp David in one administration – 185 trips. The least number of trips was zero, made during the administration of Thomas Jefferson.

Christopher Guest: After the automobile, the next biggest killer of teenagers is suicide. Here, with a commwnt, is SNL News correspondent Gary Kroeger.

Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris. I’d like to address myself directly to the teenage audience that I know is out there. Listen to me: I was a teenager myself, once.. in fact, it was just a couple years ago. And I know how difficult it is to cope with the pressures of growing up. I mean, I was 20 before I landed my first part on a network television program. But I made it through that despairing tunnel of teendom, and I’ll tell you why – I’ve always kept a list of reasons to live. And I’d like to share them now with any teenager who might be listening, and might be a little discouraged with the big “L”.

Here are my reasons to live:

* This is Reagan’s last term – now, that should be encouraging.
* No substitute for sex will be invented in your lifetime.
* Brighma Young will finally have to play a team better than Bodiddly Tech.
* A friend of mine at Paramount says that in “Rocky IV”, Rocky dies.
* Someday, everything will be legal.
* The world will end soon, anyway.
* You can’t have root canal work more than 32 times.
* Liza Manelli has promised to never do another nude scene.
* Nobody can make you go to a Steve Wynn Hotel.
* And, finally, Ringo Starr is hosting next week’s “Saturday Night Live”.

After that, however, you’re on your own. Thanks! Back to you, Chris.

Christopher Guest: Thanks very much, Gary. you’ve given me.. something.

This week saw the second implantation of a Jarvik articificial heart, and the FDA approval of the Cochlear artificial ear. These are but two of the ever-increasing array of artificial limbs and organs that are currently being manufactured in this country and abroad. Not all of them gained FDA approval. Tonight, we go by satellite to Morgantown, West Virginia, to speak with Nathan Thurm, a lawyer representing the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company. They’ve become a leading manufacture of spare human parts, but without the approval of the FDA.

Welcome to NSL.. or, SNL News, Mr. Thurm. Take your pick. Apparently, the Federal Drug Administration does not cotton to a barber & beauty supply House getting involved in sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: [ defensively smokes on a cigarette with a long ash ] Is that what they say, or is that what you say? If that’s what they say, I have no comment. If that’s what you say, then I have no comment.

Christopher Guest: Then, you have no comment?

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Did I say that? I didn’t say that! I think that’s so funny that you think I said that! I didn’t say that!

Christopher Guest: Isn’t it true, that up until fairly recently, the only thing that Trammel manufactured were barber supplies?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Trammel does manufacture barber supplies! I never said they didn’t!

Christopher Guest: But, sir.. is it not quite a leap from hairdryers, say, to artificial livers?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Have you ever seen the inside of a liver?

Christopher Guest: No.

Nathan Thurm: Or the inside of a hairdryer?

Christopher Guest: Well, surely there’s a vast difference between the insides of organs and hairdryers.

Nathan Thurm: Why do you think I wouldn’t know that! I know that!

Christopher Guest: The point is, sir, that the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company is neither capable nor qualified to produce sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: Tell that to a person who desperately needs one of our products!

Christopher Guest: But there is an FDA investigation..

Nathan Thurm: The FDA should investigate you! Or SNL News! I don’t think you’re qualified to spread the lies that you put forth every week!

Christopher Guest: Well, that’s not the point..

Nathan Thurm: Well, then, what is the point? I don’t see the point of any of this!

Christopher Guest: Well, the point is that.. the point is that your client, who heretofore only made rat-tail combs, lather dispensers and curling irons, has jumped willy-nilly into the manufacture of substandard artificial organs!

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Substandard to what? Who sets the standard?

Christopher Guest: The FDA.

Nathan Thurm: What od they know about hot combs?

Christopher Guest: Well, I can see that we’re getting nowhere. Thank you being here with us tonight, Mr. Thurm, and good luck with the grand jury.

Nathan Thurm: Grand jury? What grand jury..?

Christopher Guest: Sorry, Mr. Thurm, our time is up. Thank you very much.

That’s the news for now. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: 1984-1985


]]>

Starring:

Jim Belushi

Billy Crystal

Mary Gross

Christopher Guest

Rich Hall

Gary Kroeger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Harry Shearer

Martin Short

Pamela Stepheson

Episodes

10/06/84: (none) / Thompson Twins

10/13/84: Bob Uecker / Peter Wolf

10/20/84: Jesse Jackson / Andrae Crouch, Wintley Phipps

11/03/84: Michael Mckean / Chaka Khan, The Folksmen

11/10/84: George Carlin / Frankie Goes to Hollywood

11/17/84: Ed Asner / The Kinks

12/01/84: Ed Begley, Jr. / Billy Squier

12/08/84: Ringo Starr / Herbie Hancock

12/15/84: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

01/12/85: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

01/19/85: Roy Scheider / Billy Ocean

02/02/85: Alex Karras / Tina Turner

02/09/85: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams

02/16/85: Pamela Sue Martin / Power Station

03/30/85: Mr. T & Hulk Hogan / The Commodores

04/06/85: Christopher Reeve / Santana

SummarySaturday Night Live joins the All-Stars. With the departures of headliners Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo (not to mention Robin Duke, Brad Hall and Tim Kazurinsky), current producer Dick Ebersol decide to bring in some big-name talents to add appeal to the show. These new (to SNL), yet old (to showbiz), talents are two-time host Billy Crystal (“Soap”), Christopher Guest (“This Is Spinal Tap”), Rich Hall (“Not Necessarily The News”), Harry Shearer (from SNL’s 1979 season), Martin Short (“SCTV”) and Pamela Stephenson (“Superman III”).

Hosts this season included former cast member Eddie Murphy (“Host ‘Saturday Night Live’? Ha!”), and future 1994 cast member Michael McKean.

Aside from big name talents, SNL’s 10th season is also best remembered for its mainly pre-taped content. Though a majority of is still well-remembered today, it did leave a minimum void for fans of the live anything-can-happen aspect that had captivated viewers for nine years.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 6th, 1984

None

Thompson Twins

None

None

Frederick Koehler Lifestyles of The Relatives of The Rich and FamousSummary: Robin Leach (Harry Shearer) profiles Katherine Hepbuern’s cousin Nelson Hepburn (Martin Short), a hot dog vendor.

Recurring Characters: Robin Leach.

Transcript

Montage

Billy Crystal’s MonologueSummary: Billy Crystal talks about the history of “Saturday Night Live” and how it relates to him getting older.

Olympics 1984: A Special ReportSummary: A filmed segment by Bruce Van Dusen shows how the Olympic torch is returned to Greece.

Rich Hall’s Election ReportSummary: Rich Hall follows Walter Mondale to multiple fundraising dinners.

Wheel of Fortune InterviewSummary: Happy-go-lucky Ed Grimley (Martin Short) auditions as a contestant on “Wheel of Fortune” contestant, despite the suicideal feelings of contestant coordinator (Christopher Guest).

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

Grandpa HowardSummary: Famed sportscaster Howard Cosell (Billy Crystal) babysits his grandchildren.

Recurring Characters: Howard Cosell.

Synchronized SwimmingSummary: In a film by Claude Kerven, Would-be synchronized swimmers Gerald (Harry Shearer) and Lawrence Orback (Martin Short) set their sights on the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Orback.

Transcript

Mondale & FerraroRecurring Characters: Walter Mondale, Geraldine Ferrarro.

The Thompson Twins perform “Hold Me Now”

The BulgeSummary: In a film by Andy Breckman, a man (Jim Belushi) overstuffs his pants in a desperate bid to be noticed by women in a bar,

Saturday Night News with FernandoSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

First Draft TheaterSummary: Early forms of Raymond Chandler’s “The Big Sleep” are performed.

Saturday Night News with Julia Louis DreyfusSummary: Bob Guccione (Jim Belushi) explains why he publishes sleaze material.

Book BeatSummary: Larry Thorpe (Christopher Guest) is unable to conduct his interview with author Wayne Kirven (Rich Hall) because he has an iron pipe through his head.

Running LateSummary: Martin Short kills time because the show is running late.

The Thompson Twins perform “The Gap”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous

Robin Leach…..Harry Shearer
Nelson Hepburn…..Martin Short
Anthony Haden-Callas…..Christopher Guest

Robin Leach V/O: This week, meet the distant cousin of a famous actress. He talks about their relationship, and his career, this week on “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

Robin Leach: I’m celebrity interviewer, Robin Leach.

Robin Leach V/O: Central Park. New York’s tree-lined melting pot. At a prime location halfway between the zoo and Dick Buttons’ favorite bush, sits the hot dog stand owned by Katherine Hepburn’s maternal third cousin, Nelson. We caught up with him recently.

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn working a customer ]

Nelson Hepburn: That’s one dog, thank you. Come again, and don’t gobble that!

[ cut to Nelson Hepburn being interviewed ]

Nelson Hepburn: For many years, Dom DeLuise would stop by. One time, he was famished and in a hurry, he said, “I’ll have four to go.” And he gobbled one down, not waiting, and it got choking in his throat! I ran behind him, I gave him the Heimlich, hit him in the stomach, and it popped out, fell into the water, I resold it, no one was the wiser..

One time, Cher Bono stopped by. She was having a huge jumbo burger, and she spit it out mid-chew and hit me right in the face. At first, I was thrown, and she said, “I just remembered – I’m a vegeterian!”

Robin Leach V/O: Business is good these days for Nelson, but all is not rosy between him and his famous relative.

Nelson Hepburn: We don’t communicate at all. Never did. I tried, through letter, through phone calls, anonymous sometimes, and she’d hang up. One time, she stopped by here, and I said, “Kate, don’t you know me?” And she just looked at me and she said, “More mustard, please!” And walked away! I’m taking Sunday, Sunday’s mine, it always was. And I get up around 4:30 or 5:00, and then, I-I-I-I-I read the paper, I have a huge bowl of bran. For the next three hours, I’m indisposed, and then I phone friends. Before I know it, it’s time to put out weiners, and then it’s dawn, it’s a new day.

Robin Leach V/O: And, when the saurkraut has been applied to the last steaming weiner, sometimes as late as 9PM, Nelson Hepburn leaves for home in his 1978 Plymouth Valiant.

Nelson Hepburn: Oh, the future. What a frightening prospect. I don’t know. I imagine I’ll be here, saying to someone like you, “Do you want mustard, or are you a saurkraut man?” Are you the type to say, “Just give me a weiner, hold the bun”, or do you want soda? I imagine I’ll say, “Whatever you want, give me the money and it’s yours.” Because that’s my job.

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, we talk to the English professor who’s a nephew of comedian Charlie Callas.

Anthony Haden-Callas: I don’t think people have the time to.. [ barks, then begins to jump around like a duck ]

Robin Leach V/O: Next week, on the “Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich and Famous”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 1

84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins

Synchronized Swimming

Gerald…..Harry Shearer
Lawrence…..Martin Short
Director…..Christopher Guest

[ open on an underwater camera angled upward to see Gerald & Lawrence on the surface above, as they jump into the pool below and begin their synchronized swimming routine. ]

Gerald: Oh, it’s not going to be easy. My brother and I know. Men have never done synchronized swimming in a sanctioned competition in this country. Officially, it’s got like a zero acceptance rate.

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence sitting and chatting ]

Lawrence: I don’t swim.

Gerald: Lawrence doesn’t swim. So.. I mean, no, of course not.. no one’s going to just walk up and hand us a gold medal. Men’s syncro isn’t even in the ’88 Olympics yet.

Lawrence: That’s okay, because we could use the time. ‘Cause I’m not.. I’m not that strong a swimmer.

Gerald: But I mean, that just means, you know, for ’92, we’re a lock for the gold.

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence doing more of their routine in the pool ]

Gerald: I remember it was a Friday. I was coming home. My wife, Abby, asked me, “Honey, is there something wrong?” And I said, “No, there’s nothing wrong. I’ve made a decision. I’m leaving the accounting firm, and Lawrence and I are gonig to pursue a dream that we have, and that basically synchronized swimming is going to be our lives for the rest of this century.”

[ cut to Gerald’s wife, Abby ]

Abby: At first, I was sullen, because it turned our lives upseide-down, you know? But then I realized that it wasmaking Gerald really happy.. after being down for so long. I just decided that.. this was going to be great. [ cut to visual of Abby walking up a suburban sidewalk with a suitcase of wares ] Going back to work was a challenge.. but I found a whole outlet of experience.. and, let me tell you, you meet so many new people in the course of one day.

[ Abby knocks on door, but is ignored after being noticed from the window ]

Gerald: She’s been great. I’m really fond of the lady.

[ cut to a Director helping Gerald & Lawrence with their routine ]

Director: 1, 2, 3, 4 – here it goes. This is like a mirror between you, and then he goes this way, and then let’s say you were to point at each other. You’re doing the same thing, aren’t you? No, you’re not angry at him..

Gerald: No, I’m not.

Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you! I know you!” Let’s hear the waggle. The waggle. Yes, just let me see this.. [ waggles ] Yeah, you remember that.. Maybe not.

[ cut to Director discussing his work withGerald & Lawrence ]

Director: Working with them has also given me a goose – if I may use that expression. I’ve been directing regional theater – “Shakespeare in the Park” – and if I ever do that again, I’m just going to, you know, kill myself with a Veg-o-Matic.

[ cut to more directing ]

Director: We dig a hole, we dig a hole, we dig a hole..

Director Voice-Over: And the great thing about these boys is they are thinking gold. I mean, who would want to wear bronze, anyway?

[ the boys learn underwater breathing techniques ]

Director: Be aware of the waterlines. So start holding your noses now! And hold your breath! Count: 1, 2.. you’re underwater – I am, too, but I’m talking, this is just pretend – 2, 3, 4.. look at the fish going by, you see people’s feet? Can you hold it any longer? No. So, burst out of the water, and aren’t you glad to be out of the water? Lawrence, aren’t you glad?

Lawrence: Yes.

Director: Yes!

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence on the deck, Lawrence performing an on-deck dance routine ]

Director Voice-Over: Although the judges don’t count it, deck work is a very important part of Lawrence’s preparation for the gold, and that’s allowed to come from within in. He can be surprisingly creative.

[ Gerald & Larence jump into the water ]

Lawrence: The underwater part is really challenging. In a way, it’s what makes this sport a sport. The male rules are a lot tougher. We can only touch the bottom with the balls of our feet, or else it’s five-eighths of a point off.

[ cut to behind-the-scenes grooming before the next bout of practice ]

[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence in the water showing off their best synchronized swimming skills ]

Lawrence Voice-Over: The music is chosen to express different moods: happy, underwater.. we’ll argue sometimes about it, but I think Gerald trusts my tastes.

Gerald Voice-Over: There just comes a time in your life where you have to take yourself to the limit. We have the opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before. And we’re going for it.

[ Gerald & Lawrence finish their synchronized swimming and wave to the empty crowd ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 13th, 1984

Bob Uecker

Peter Wolf

Yogi Berra

Bob Uecker’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Tom Brokaw

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Saturday Night News with Bob Uecker

Recurring Characters: Lew Goldman.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 2

84b: Bob Uecker / Peter Wolf

7×4

Announcer V/O…..Don Pardo
Frank McCray…..Gary Kroeger
Phyllis Ray…..Julia-Louis Dreyfus
Lisa Saitt…..Mary Gross
Andy A. Abbott…..Rich Hall

[Zoom out on the game show’s logo as the theme music plays]

Announcer V/O: It’s time, once again, to play “7X4”, with yout host, Frank McCray.

[Applause as Frank happily walks to the stage, bows to the audience, blows a kiss to the conestants, and takes his place at his podium.]

Frank McCray: Hello, hello, hello. I’m Frank McCray and welcome to “7X4”.

[Lisa Saitt and Phyllis Ray, the first 2 contestants, buzz in]

Phyllis Ray: 28?

Frank McCray: Uh, look. Let’s wait ’till the game begins, shall we?

[Lisa giggles as Andy A. Abbott, the third and last conestant, buzzes in]

Frank McCray: Yes?

Andy A. Abbott: Uh, I’d like to take a guess, Frank.

Frank McCray: Look, we haven’t started the game yet, all right? [Andy briefly nods]

Andy A. Abbott: 28!

[The other contestants instaneously buzz in and yell “28”.]

Frank McCray: Stop, please! I know you’re anxious to get started, but you must wait ’till we actually begin, all right? Now let’s meet our contestants. First of all, contestant number one, what is your name and what do you do?

Lisa Siatt: My name’s Lisa Siatt and I teach a course in advanced mathematics.

Frank McCray: Really? This game should be right up your alley.

Lisa Siatt: I don’t expect any problems.

Frank McCray: Terrific. Contestant number two, what is your name?

Phyllis Ray: Phyllis Ray.

Frank McCray: And how old are you, Phyllis?

Phyllis Ray: 28.

[Lisa, Phyllis, and Andy start buzzing in and yelling “28” again.]

Frank McCray: [hastliy] Please, now come on! We’re wasting valuable time. Now just settle down, all right? Number three, what is your name, sir?

Andy A. Abbott: Um, Andy A. Abbott.

Frank McCray: Welcome to the show, Mr. Abbott.

Andy A. Abbott: Will we be going alphabetically?

Phyllis Ray: Uh, well–

Lisa Siatt: No, no.

Phyllis Ray: There’s no need–

Frank McCray: Uh, I’m afraid not, Mr. Abbott. Thank you for your enthuiasm. Don Pardo, what are they playing for today on “7X4”?

[A picture of a house wipes in as theme music plays]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s a house, Frank. [Offscreen, the contestants buzz in instaneously] Yes, it’s a five-bedroom Colonial with a guesthouse, a swimming pool, and ten heavenly acres of land.

[Cut back to Frank trying to stop the contestants from buzzing in.]

Frank McCray: [aggravated] Come on! Just settle down, would you? Every damn show, the same thing! Now, just settle down and keep your hands off the buzzers. Are we ready to play? All right. Here is your first question–

Lisa Siatt: [buzzing in] 28?

Frank McCray: [shouting] WAIT FOR THE QUESTION, DAMN IT!

[The three contestants, bewildred and rather offended, quietly wait for the question]

Frank McCray: “If the farmer had seven apples–“

[The three contestants continuously buzz in and yell “28”. The ending bell sounds as Frank looks off-screen.]

Frank McCray: We’re out of time? What? [Frank turns back to the contestants] Great! We’re out of time. You have no one to blame but yourselves. That’s it. Forget it. [Turns to the audience] Well, thanks for tuning in and join us next time on “7X4”.

[The contestants continue to shout “28” as an angry and frustarated Frank goes over to the contestants and trying to force their hands off the buzzers to no avail]

Submitted by: Kyle McElravy

SNL Transcripts

Tippi Turtle

Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle, coming down the street
Tell us what you’re gonna do!”

Tippi Turtle: “First, I’m gonna bother everybody I meet
Then, I’ll probably go home and get drunk.”
Jingle: Hey, Tippi Turtle!
Hey, hey, Tippi Turtle!”

[ Tippi Turtle walks down the street ]

Tippi Turtle: Hi, everybody! Well, enough small talk – we’ve got people to annoy! Today, we’re gonna bother these guys – the hammerheads at the U.S. Post Office. Hee hee hee! Now, pay attention.

[ Tippi demonstrates in his home workshop ]

Get some real thin balsa wood, and glue it together like this. See? You make a little box! Then, you take a helium balloon and you put it inside like this. Then, wrap it up and address it! Take it downtown.

[ show Tippi Turtle standing in line at the Post Office ]

Hee hee hee! This is gonna be great! [ jumps excitedly ]

Postal Employee: Next.

Tippi Turtle: Yes. Good afternoon, Mr. United States Post Office Man. Now, you charge according to weight, is that correct?

Postal Employee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just put it on the scale.

Tippi Turtle: Okee-dokee! [ places his box on the scale, but it floats upward ] Looks like you owe me some money, hammerhead!

Postal Employee: [ grabs box from midair, places it down again ] I don’t know.. [ box floats away again ]

Tippi Turtle: [ bangs counter ] Are you gonna pay up, or not? Iwant my money! Fair is fair! [ leans close to the camera to whisper to the audience ] Be real obnoxious. Keep demanding money. Bother as many people as you can! [ leans back into the cartoon ] I want my money! Fair is fair!

[ a fight ensues, Tippi casually walks away ]

Tippi Turtle: Hee hee hee! Now, that’s entertainment!Goodbye, everybody! See you next time!

Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle!”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts