Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 7
79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Don Pardo: And now, “Weekend Update” with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Ronald Reagan] Republican presidential candidate Ronald Reagan said this morning that he would not enter the Puerto Rican primary or, for that matter, Puerto Rico. “Those people give me the willies,” Reagan commented.
[Photo of Joe Clark] Canadian Prime Minister Joe Clark lost a vote of no confidence in the Canadian Parliament this week. Evidently, members of Parliament had been complaining that Clark’s wife wouldn’t sleep with any of them and there is talk of bringing back [Photo of Pierre Trudeau] former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.
This week, the New England Journal of Medicine reports that women who have had intercourse during the last month of pregnancy have had babies born with infections, respiratory ailments and jaundice. The report further states that the closer intercourse is to the baby’s birth, the more severe the effects. In several cases, where the mother was sexually active shortly before delivery, when the baby was born, it immediately asked for a cigarette and a towel.
Bill?
Bill Murray: [Image of a satellite orbiting Earth] Well, the twenty million dollar RCA TV relay communications satellite, SATCOM 3, that was lost this week, has been found [Photo of a black guy carrying a huge hettoblaster on his shoulder] by Lonnie Washington, an unemployed maintenance man in Harlem, New York. Mr. Washington has evaded authorities, claiming, “This thing picks up so many stations and plays real loud, I ain’t giving this sucker back to nobody.”
[Photo of an elderly man in an examination room] It’s kind of lonely when the old gang’s all gone but Walter Pinel doesn’t seem to mind. He’s the last surviving member of the Woodstock Nation, that tumultuous rock festival held in Woodstock, New York over ten years ago. Walter’s a doctor now and, although he has many fine memories of Woodstock, he can’t remember them.
Today, December 15th, was the expiration date for the half fare airline discount coupons. One of these cut-rate plans works something like this. Say you flew from Mexico to New York to Texas. Well, for only five dollars more, you could fly to Panama. Well, the Shah of Iran did just that today. The Shah is a rich man but he’s frugal and I — I like that, really.
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Well, Bill, money isn’t everything. Try to imagine yourself without a home, without a country, and without a gall bladder. Believe me, it’s a depressing way to spend the holidays. If there’s an ailing exiled king in your life, why not grab a pen and paper and send the Shah a get well card at this address: Poor Pahlevi, Panama City, Panama. Or just drop it off at your local Exxon station and they’ll see that he gets it. You’ll be glad you did.
This week, the Senate voted overwhelmingly to put an additional three million dollars in paper currency into circulation. This drive was spearheaded by Senators Percy of Illinois, Cohen of Maine, Nunn of Georgia, and Chiles of Florida. Expected to reap immediate benefits are Cadillac dealers, fancy French restaurants, and Washington area escort services.
[Graphic of the Mobil Oil corporate logo] The Department of Energy accused Mobil Oil Corporation and three other companies this week of overcharging by more than one billion dollars for petroleum products. [Photo of SNL writer Alan Zweibel] The only victim of the overpricing seems to have been Mr. Gary Leonard of Tucson, Arizona who was charged one billion, seventeen dollars to have the tank of his Vega filled with unleaded. Remarked Mr. Leonard, “I guess I just must have the face of a big sap.”
Bill?
Bill Murray: Colombia’s worst earthquake in history left hundreds dead and thousands homeless. [Photo of man standing in front of a smashed house] And, to make things worse, homeowner Hector Lopez also complained of rampant teenage vandalism. Quote, “I think some kids came in during the quake and knocked over all my furniture.”
[Photo of kneeling Iranian men, their boots lined up before them] And the Iranian school for boot salesmen held its graduation ceremonies this week and the entire class was snapped up by shoe stores all over the Middle East.
Bill Murray: Well, it’s holiday time again. A lot of big movies coming out, trying to earn your hard-earned buckskis before you get a chance to spend ’em on gifts for your loved ones. Let me tell you my opinions and you can decide for yourselves which ones you should see.
[Graphic of poster for “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” appears on screen behind Murray]
Uh, first, there’s “Star Trek” — don’t bother. I went, I didn’t get it. It’s like something from outer space. It’s completely unrealistic, completely unbelievable. Who dresses like that? Nobody I know. It may have been a good idea for TV — they probably should have tried that first.
[Poster for “The Electric Horseman”]
Uh, “The Electric Horseman” stars Redford and Fonda. As you can see here, uh, Fonda wears jeans, Redford picks her up in the air. I think it’s a nice idea. I like it, I kind o’ like it.
[Photo of James Caan and Marsha Mason in “Chapter Two”]
“Chapter Two” is Neil Simon’s new movie but I never saw “Chapter One.” I think anybody who goes to see “Chapter Two” without seeing “Chapter One” is a jerk.
[Photo of Steve Martin in “The Jerk”]
Which brings me to “The Jerk.” Steve Martin is a friend. As a matter of fact, I was in the movie but cut out of it. That doesn’t influence my opinion. The movie is a dog. There’s something missing. I don’t– Who it is, I can’t say.
[Poster art for Steven Spielberg’s “1941” starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, among others]
Finally, “1941” — once again, I never saw “1940” — but everyone in the newspapers and the press is panning this movie so I am gonna jump on the bandwagon here. The stars, in alphabetical order, are Ned Beatty, Carrie Fisher and Christopher Lee. As you all know, Carrie and Chris Lee have both been on Saturday Night Live and, if you ask me, they should never have left the show. And, once again, I don’t get it. What’s so funny about killing Japs? I don’t get it.
Didn’t we learn anything from “Coming Home,” from “Deer Hunter,” from “Taxi Driver”? War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! And so is “1941.” When Chris and Carrie told me they were leaving Saturday Night to do this movie, I said, “Why? Steve Spielberg is great with the mechanical shark and the flying saucer but the guy wouldn’t know funny if it bit him in the underwear.” They wouldn’t listen and now they have this Christmas turkey on their hands. And now my two old friends are gonna have the most miserable Christmas of their lives. And we all know that more suicides occur at Christmas than any other time. But don’t let these movies spoil your holidays. Take the kids to see “Meatballs” again. It’s a warm story. It’s perfect for Christmas. It’s a good cast, got a great story. Have a merry Christmas.
The movie’s got a lot going for it, and here’s a guy who has a lot going for ihm — a HELL of a lot — Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Something a-wonderful has happened to-a me. I was-a chosen to be the SPOKESMAN for this-a wonderful new product. And, Bill, I want to thank you, because the reason they picked me was because they saw me on-a this show. And-a, really, from-a the bottom of-a my heart, I do thank you.
And, you know, Joe DiMaggio does-a this-a commercial — he’s-a the spokesman for something called-a Mr. Coffee, and-a I think that’s-a why-a they-a wanted me, too. This-a product, it’s-a called Mr. Tea. Mr. Tea. And-a, you know, I don’t even drink-a tea. And I said to them, “I don’t-a drink-a tea,” but they said, “That’s okay. We want you anyway.” And-a, I just-a love-a this-a product. What I like about it is, it’s-a SO simple. All you have to do is get-a like a tea cup, or a coffee cup, whatever you call it, and you put a tea bag right inside of it here, and then you put the cup — it fits right in here — and then, you get hot, boiling water… and-a just-a pour the hot water into the Mr. Tea machine… [ he demosntrates these actions ] And, as-a you can see, the water comes-a down through here, down there, right into the cup! And then, all you have to do is wait two, three minutes… and then it’s done! And it depends — if you want it real strong, I’ve found that you should-a leave the tea bag in there quite a while. And, also, if you-a don’t want it strong, you can use it two, three times over and over, so it’s-a real economical, too.
But-a all of that is explained to you, in this-a little booklet that comes for free with it. [ he holds up the booklet ] It’s called-a “How to Use Yuor Mr. Tea.” But, basically, what it is, is you supply the tea bag and the hot water, and Mr. Tea does-a the rest. It’s $9.95. nine dollars and ninety-five cents. And I get twelve cents for-a every one of these they sell. And the Mr. Tea people, they said they think they’re gonna sell a whole lot for Christmas, you know? I did-a this-a Christmas commercial for them, it shows me making Mr. Tea for these Santa’s elves. They got-a these little midget men to dress up as elves, ’cause they didn’t have real elves.
And… [ he taps the ashes off his cigarette ] I think it’s something — me, you know, doing a Christmas commercial, because I don’t even-a LIKE Christmas! It’s not really that I don’t like Christmas. It’s just that I don’t like it so often. You know? I’m still sick of those Christmas songs from last year, and now they’re starting up again already. And, I really think I could get behind Christmas, if it was-a, say, like every other year. You know? Then it would be exciting and that. And, I have-a this idea. Maybe the American people would like to support me on-a this: It’s something called “Big Christmas, Little Christmas.” And-a the idea is-a that, every other year you would-a celebrate BIG — just-a like-a normal, on even-numbered years. But on odd-numbered years — like-a this year, 1979, it’s an odd number — and it’s what I call “Little Christmas.” And the idea is that you would, you know… Christmas songs would-a be just only Christmas Day, maybe Christmas Eve. And gifts — NOT for everybody. Just immediate family only. and the rule is: Just one gift per person — that’s it. And the gifts, too, should be very inexpensive. I think maybe we should set the limit, say… no gifts more than ten dollars. That’s-a the rule.
So… I want-a wish-a all of you a merry, merry Little Christmas — or, as we say in Italian: Buon Piccolo Natale! [ he sips his homemade tea ]
Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Submitted Anonymously
Air Date:
Summary: The Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlevi (Bill Murray) invites his special American friends to his home in Panama for a televised Christmas party all Americans can enjoy.
Summary: Ted Knight claims to be Steve Martin’s dad, then performs some of his “son”‘s comedy routine.
Summary: Eager to capitalize on its young star, NBC advertises a new pair of hastily-produced sitcoms starring Gary Coleman.
Summary: Chudd Insurance Corporation board members (Harry Shearer, Bill Murray, Garrett Morris) decide sexual harrassment case between Miss hoben (Jane Curtin) and Mr. Kramer (Ted Knight).
Summary: Local policeman Bob Kopp (Ted Knight) warns citizens to watch out this holiday season, or else.
Summary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will be guest-hosting “The Tonight Show”.
Summary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) charity commentary strays to other gross topics.
Summary: Mr. Dunwoody (Ted Knight) struggles through a rehearsal of the Nativity pageant that stars Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) as Mary and Joseph.
Summary: Boastful Andy Kaufman challenges Diana Peckham to pin him in three minutes.
Summary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.
Summary: Sammy Davis, Jr. (Garrett Morris) introduces a stomach soother to help people feel better after being overexposed to the one-eyed entertainer over the Christmas holidays.
Summary: After drinking a couple of innocent cups, Joe’s (Peter Aykroyd) life spirals out-of-control because he can’t shake the coffee monkey off his back.
Summary: Suburban family endures visiting granddad’s (Ted Knight) overzealousness for Christmas decorations.
Summary: NBC announces that Gary Coleman will appear on Bob Hope’s latest Christmas special.
Summary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) is jailed in his attempt to land an interview with Paul McCartney in Tokyo.
Summary: Teri Garr is anxious to get her hosting duties started.
Summary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment.
Summary: Desperate for votes in Iowa, George Bush (Jim Downey), Ted Kennedy (Bill Murray), and other presidential candidates perform odd chores for Mrs. Volger (Teri Garr).
Summary: Spoiled rich girls find that life in prison is tough and a major bummer.
Summary: Sports commentator “Big” Vic Ricker (Harry Shearer) discusses the Olympic boycott. Laraine Newman interviews colleg student Scott Gunderson (Peter Aykroyd) about the military draft. Al Franken updates America on his decade and advises them to buy gold in order to further his own gold investments.
Summary: Members of the Anchovy Council seek outside suggestions for improving anchovy use throughout America.
Summary: Lady Pinth-Garnell (Laraine Newman) presents a bad production of “The Great Mr. Potato Head Famine”.
Summary: Baby mogul Paula Kirsch (Laraine Newman) wants to cast her mother (Teri Garr) in Marilyn Mazelman’s (Gilda Radner) “Little Bo Peep” picture.
Summary: Psychiatrist Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill off of Skid Row by hypnotizing him into visits of past traumas.
