Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Sports Hotline

Eddie McVey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Peter Aykroyd
Caller #4…..Al Franken
…..Bill Russell

[ open on radio broadcast booth ]

Eddie McVey: This is “Sports Hotline”. I’m Eddie McVey. If there’s anything you want to know about any kind of sports, let me know, call me right now. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh… Eddie?

Eddie McVey: Yeah!

Caller #1: Uhhh, this is Pete from El Camino.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, Pete — what’s your question?

Caller #1: Uhh — I’d like to know if you think taking the hedge rack out of soccer is gonna significantly, uh, change the game… or what?

Eddie McVey: Well, you know, Pete, I was against the change. The hedge rack makes for a lot of action. A stamper has to jump to avoid the bricks. You lose the hedge rack, I think you lose a lot of the beauty of the game. Sorry. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Yes — you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #2: Hi, Eddie? This is Sandy.

Eddie McVey: Yeah?

Caller #2: I want you to settle an argument for me — Two blade runners arrive at the disc at the same time. The judge gives each a red tag. Now that’s a point for every minute they’re on the field, right?

Eddie McVey: That’s right. Go on.

Caller #2: Well… what I want to know is… who gets to use the glass bat bat first, if they’ve both been tagged?

Eddie McVey: Well, it’s really quite simple, Sandy — The firt one off the field is the last one to use the bats. Does that answer your question?

Caller #2: Yeah. Thanks!

Eddie McVey: Sure. Stupid question, though! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #3: Eddie. What do you think of this kid, Stevens? Yuo think he’ll make it?

Eddie McVey: Well, I’ll tell you — he really showed me something last Friday. That move he put on the Taggert Twins was really something. They never even got CLOSE to putting the hood over his head. I like the way the kid plays.

Caller #3: Uh, I don’t know… I think he’s too young.

Eddie McVey: I don’t know what the Hell you know! Thanks for calling, though. [ he clicks the phone off ] I’m gonna stop for a minute here, uh, and I’d like to introduce someobdy here who’s my special guest. His name is… Bill Russell,, and, uh… he is a [ as though it’s not a real thing ] bas-ket-ball player. Uh, did I pronounce that correctly, Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: [ incredulous ] Yeah! Right. Basket-ball.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, well, I suppose most of my listeners are kinda new to your game, Mr. Russell. I thought it would be reefreshing to explain it to them.

Bill Russell: Wat a minute! You don’t know about basketball? You run a sports hotline show, and you’ve never heard of basketball?

Eddie McVey: No, no — I’ve heard of basketball! I just don’t think a lot of people out there at home have heard of the game. I mean, it’s not like Sticks & Melons or anything?

Bill Russell: [ bewildered ] Sticks & Melons?! What’s that?!

Eddie McVey: Sticks & Melons? You don’t remember when you were a kid, Sticks & Melons? Nobody gets caught? [ mimicking ] “Oh, you don’t want to get caught holding the melon! Oh, he’s got the melon, you know?” Now we play Trellis, of course, but it’s basically the same game.

Bill Russell: Trellis? Melons? What are you talking about? This is supposed to be a sports show?

Eddie McVey: Not only is this a sports show, but I would be willing to bet that, uh, I have the most knowledgable sports listeners in all of radio. [ he grins smugly ]

Bill Russell: Really? Well, why don’t we call some of these so-called sports fans of yours?

Eddie McVey: Oh, you’re gonna end up looking like an idiot. It’s a great idea! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Alright. You want to talk to Bill Russell, former hot basketball player? Basketball, right? Goes in the basket? [ stumbling ] Dial, uh, around the basket… dial the Sports Hotline. Yes? [ he presses a button on the phone ] Sports Hotline, go ahead!

Caller #4: Uh, yeah — Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: Yes?

Caller #4: Well, I’ve heard of basketball…

Eddie McVey: You see, Bill? You end up looking like a jerk! Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah. And I just wanted to know… uh… how many balls are used in a game? I mean, uh, it’s not like Rudderbat, is it?

Bill Russell: [ confused ] Rudderbat? This is your knowledgable audience?

Eddie McVey: Actually, I can understand the confusion — You see, in Rudderbat, every player has his own ball, and I would guess that, in your gme, it’s played with just one ball. Am I right?

Bill Russell: Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. There’s one ball you shoot through a hoop — or a basket — it’s called “basketball”. Now, I can’t believe I have to explain this, but, uh — have you ever seen a basketball game?

Eddie McVey: They do it in Mexico — baskets on the ground, right?

Bill Russell: Nooo. No, it’s not on the ground. In fact, it’s ten feet up in the air.

Eddie McVey: And you have to, what — put the ball through the basket? That’s to score points, or whatever?

Bill Russell: Exactly! You put the ball through the basket to score points. [ he rolls his eyes upward ]

Eddie McVey: Well, I wish we had more time, ’cause it sounds like a fun game. But there is one thing I’d like to ask you, Russell: You’re a big, tall guy, aren’t you?

Bill Russell: You might say that…

Eddie McVey: Now, now, you must have an incredible advantage for you to push the ball up through the basket.

Bill Russell: That’s right. It’s a big advantage.

Eddie McVey: By the way, what do you think of this new kid Stevens?

Bill Russell: Well, any kid who can handle those twins like that, with avoiding getting the hood blows in — I’ll tell you, he’s gotta make it. [ he shrugs ]

Eddie McVey: Couldn’t agree with you more, Bill! Thanks for coming down! This is Eddie McVey. I gotta go away. Tomorrow on “Sports Hotline”, I’m gonna be talking with Babe Tardish, who’s the cull’s sweeper for Topeka. I know every blood racquet nut, fan, aficienado is gonna want to tune in for that one. So so long, everybody, I’m gonna see you tomorrow. Eddie McVey, gotta go!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All

Barry White…..Howard Johnson
Duke…..Bill Russell
Lonny…..Garrett Morris
Female Customer #1…..Laraine Newman
Female Customer #2…..Jane Curtin
White Man…..??
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Ron…..Bill Murray
Black Man…..??

[ open on Barry White playing on piano ]

Barry White: Hi, I’m Barry White. If you’re a big man or a tall man, I have good news for you. Yuor days of trying to find stylish clothes at your hard-to-find size are over. One of my Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All stores is now open in your area. So, remember: [ he plays the piano and sings ] “If you’re big / And if you’re tall / And you want style / Then don’t you stall / Come to Big And Tall That’s All.”

[ dissolve to product card ]

Announcer: Big And Tall That’s All. At Cedarcrest Mall, where parking is NEVER a problem.

[ dissolve to Duke and Lonny watching the commercial on a small TV at the Cedarcrest Mall’s Barry White’s Big And Tall That’s All store ]

Duke: You know, that commercial’s been running for a week now, and, uh, I hate to say it, but… I don’t think it’s helped one bit!

Lonny: Oh, no, no, no, no! I think it’s working, man! Now everybody knows… that we only sell for big and tall men! Only!

Duke: But we’re not advertising just so the regular-sized guys know not to come here. We’re looking for big and tall that’s all. And where are they? I want to know!

Lonny: Hey, man, look — it wasn’t my idea to invest ALL our money in this Barry White franchise! Now, I wanted to buy that Arthur Treaches over there on the turnpike! You know that!

Duke: Yeah, but who insisted on coming to this mall? It’s more like a coal mine that a mall!

Lonny: Look, don’t worry, Duke — the commercial will WORK! Man, I bet there are THOUSANDS of big and tall men who have SEEN our commercial, baby!

Duke: No, no. Probably a lot of tall guys saw it. But I don’t know about the big ones. Yuo see, one of those advertising guys told me that a lot of fat people — I’m sorry — a lot of BIG people, they never get to see commercials… because that’s when they get up to go to the refrigerator. And he says if we want to get to the BIG people… we’ll have to advertise on milk cartons.

Lonny: Now, why didn’t you tell me Eddie said that, man? Why idn’t you tell me he said that?

Duke: Well, Lonny, I didn’t want to tell you because, uh, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, because I know how sensitive you are about your size.

[ Lonny saunters away, hurt, as two female customers enter ]

Female Customer #1: Hi! Is the store for, uh, fat men?

Duke: We feature clothes for big and tall people.

Female Customer #2: Yeah, well, we need a belt for a FAT man. you know? Do you have something, uhhhh, for someone with about like a… 44-inch stomach?

Duke: [ he holds up a belt ] Well, now, uh — we’ve got a belt here, but it’s, uh, 48. But you can, uh… put some more holes in it.

Female Customer #2: [ examining the belt ] That looks like a belt for a weather balloon!

Female Customer #1: [ laughing ] Can you imagine the pork butt that’s gonna fit around!

Female Customer #2: It makes me SICK just thinking about it.

Female Customer #1: Listen, uh — is there another men’s store in this mall?

Duke: Uh — there used to be another one. This is the only one now, because, uh… Floyd Hunger had a men’s shop down there, but, uh, they had a fire about a month ago and, uh, they’re not open any more.

Female Customer #2: [ to her friend ] Why don’t we just get him some aftershave, okay?

Female Customer #1: Good idea.

Female Customer #2: Yeah.

[ they turn to leave ]

Lonny: Okay, why don’t you try over at Clifford’s? There’s a lot of nice skinny people working over there.

[ they exit, as a big and tall white man enters ]

Lonny: Heyyy! Welcome to our store! Come on in!

White Man: Do you have any Size 54 suits with vests?

Lonny: We have a whole selection of 54s! You have come to the right store! Now, how did you hear about us? Did you see our ad on TV?

[ Duke steps forward with a Size 54 suit and vest ]

White Man: Uh, no. I heard some people talking about it.

Lonny: Well, do you remember what it was? Was it on Tv, then?

White Man: I don’t remember exactly where it was. I think, maybe, it was at Mr. Doland. Uh, no, no — I think it was a Dairy Queen!

Lonny: Ah, Dairy Queen. Aha. Uh, yeah, uh — try this on, man. This is just the style.

White Man: This isn’t really what I had in mind…

Duke: Oh, yeah. That’d look cool on you. You gotta try this on. You GOT to try this! [ he removes the man’s jacket and puts their jacket on him ]

Lonny: Look at that, look at that! Look at that, it’s perfect! It’s perfect!

Duke: It looks like you lost thirty pounds, just putting it on.

Lonny: Yeah, man! You ought to buy Barry White all the time!

White Man: I like the fit… but I think the style just isn’t right.

Lonny: Why don’t you try on the pants, man?

White Man: Uhhh — I gotta go. I gotta go. I left my dog in the car.

Lonny: Well, you could bring him in here! I mean, we’ll take care of him, man! You know, we’ll take him while you try on a suit!

White Man: Okay. I might do that. Uhhh — I might come back… if he’s not tired. [ he grabs his jacket and rushes out ] He’s not tired…

Duke: Well… I thought we had one there.

Lonny: He might be BACK, man, if his DOG’S not tired! I’m SURE he’ll be back!

[ Jenny rocker and Ron enter ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Duke! Hi, Lonny! Hi!

Duke: You just getting back?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, yeah. We had to wait a long time to see him.

Ron: It was the first time I ever gave a haircut in jail! I’ve given them in hospitals and mortuaries, offices — Floyd was my first jail haircut!

Duke: How are his spirits?

Lonny: I can’t believe it — Floyd Hunger in the slammer.

Jenny Rocker: Right.

Ron: He’s in pretty good shape, considering the charges. You know, arson is not a petty crime. You know, I’ll bet the styles are gonna be altogether different by the time he gets out and starts selling suits again.

Jenny Rocker: Oh, right — he wanted me to thank you for the Barry White poster. He said that it was a big hit down there!

Lonny: He wasn’t mad at you, Jenny?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no — he understood. You know how wonderful Floyd is. I feel terrible.

Ron: Come on, Jenny… forget it, it wasn’t your fault. If I were Floyd’s neighbor, and I saw his garage light on at three in the morning, I would have thought somebody had broken in there… and I probably would have reported it to the police, too. Whoever thought, you know, they’d find Floyd in there cutting the labels out of all those suits?

Jenny Rocker: Poor Floyd.

Duke: Hey, uh — did you tell him about his wife running around with the guy who had the dress shop in the new mall?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no. We didn’t want to upset him. You know how MAD Floyd gets whenever anybody even mentions the new mall.

Ron: I gotta get going. [ he looks out the door and whispers ] Ooh, it looks like you guys got a customer…

[ Ron and Jennry exit, as the big and tall Black man enters ]

Duke: Can I help you?

Black Man: Uh, do you know when the Scotch tape store over there is gonna open up?

[ Jenny peeks back in ]

Duke: [ pointing ] Uh — that’s the proprieter there?

Jenny Rocker: Did you want to buy some tape?

Black Man: Yeah. I’ve been waiting over there for about fifteen minutes.

Jenny Rocker: Well, I was just going back to the store. Now, did you want — why don’t you coem with me. [ she steps away ] Did you want the thirty-nine-center or the rwenty-seven-center? The thirty-nine-center is a better deal —

[ they walk out of the shop together, as Duke and Lonny stare at one another in bewilderment ]

[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: “coming up next: Studio 54, Wehre Are You?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 10th, 1979

Buck Henry

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

None

None
Buck’s StorySummary: While demonstrators protest Buck Henry’s latest hosting gig, Bill Murray offers a heroic war story that explains why Buck is such a frequent host.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry doesn’t grasp the audience’s ire towards his constant hosting and endless diatribes.

Transcript

Harley’s Bristol CremeSummary: Sue (Gilda Radner) desperately seeks a companion to share a glass of Harley’s Bristol Creme.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Transcript

The Mystery Of Toad IslandSummary: Tom Brundidge (Buck Henry) travels to the mysterious Toad Island to uncover his roots, but finds only inbred, toad-like humans who can’t give him a straight answer.

Transcript

The NerdsSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) and Lisa (Gilda Radner) try to play matchmaker for their parents (Jane Curtin, Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Marshall DiLaMuca.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakersperforms “Refugee”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Van Arks (Al Franken) speaks on behalf of the chemical industry. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces the winner of the Find the Popes in the Pizza contest.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Bad ClamsSummary: Morning show hosts (Garrett Morris, Yvonne Hudson) torment Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) by feeding her bad clams.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

How To Talk To Your GrandparentsSummary: Kids (Al Franken, Laraine Newman) employ lessons from instruction record in order to score money off of their grandparents (Gilda Radner, Buck Henry).

Schiller’s ReelSummary: “Life After Death”.

Note: Repeat from 77f.

Speci-PakSummary: Couple (Gilda Radner, Buck Henry) learn how to preserve their severed body parts for safe delivery to the hospital.

Love ContractSummary: Hampton Jitney (Bill Murray) and Muffy Barber (Laraine Newman) consider marriage, but first their lawyers (Harry Shearer, Buck Henry) collaborate on a contract and go over the fine print.

Transcript

Tom Petty & THe Heartbreakers performs “Don’t Do Me Like That”

Toilet RushSummary: Daddy (Buck Henry) rushes his wife (Jane Curtin) and daughter (Gilda Radner) home through hit-and-run encounters so that he can use his own toilet.

Transcript

GoodnightsSummary: The cast chases a rambling Buck Henry out of Studio 8-H.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

Toilet Rush

Daddy…..Buck Henry
Mommy…..Jane Curtin
Daughter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on wide shot of cars passing down the street in the night ]

[ dissolve to interior, suburban vehicle, Mommy and Daughter gripped in terror as Daddy speeds down the street like a maniac; camera shakes to create illusion that the car is rattling out of control ]

Mommy: Okay, okay, there’s a man getting out of a parked car on the right, up ahead. The door’s still open. Move to the left! Move to the left!

Daddy: Okay, okay, I see it!!

Mommy: Oh, you just missed him!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy, Daddy! There’s a car on your left! You’re going into his lane! There’s a.. there’s a boy on a bike! On the right side!

Mommy: See the reflectors?!!

Daddy: I see it!!

Mommy: Honey, slow down!

Daddy: I missed him, didn’t I?!

Daughter: No, Daddy, you knocked him over!

Mommy: Oh, Honey, slow down!

Daddy: You know I can’t slow down! Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom!

Daughter: Well, can’t we stop at a gas station!

Daddy: No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home – you know that!

Mommy: Look out – a rabbit!!

Daughter: [ panicking ] Oh, no, Daddy!

[ stuffed rabbit is tossed at the front window of car, and bounces into the air and out of sight ]

Daughter: Oh, no! Daddy killed the rabbit!

Mommy: Stop driving!!

Daughter: The lights turning yellow!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning red!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning.. it turned.. it’s red!

Mommy: Honk the horn!!

[ they run the red light, as cars are heard wrecking in the background ]

Daddy: I shouldn’t have eaten that big meal so early in the day! I knew I couldn’t hold it all day!

Daughter: Daddy, daddy!! A dog!!

[ stuffed dog is tossed on the side of the car, and falls over the hood ]

Daddy: I think I missed it!

Mommy: No, you didn’t!!

Daughter: Oh, stop!!

Daddy: Only half a mile to go!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy!! Watch out for those men in the crosswalk!!

Daddy: Okay, I see them!

[ two men jump across the hood and fall off to the sides ]

Mommy: Agggghhhhh!!!

Daughter: Slow down!!

[ cut to car rolling onto the curb and crashing into wall ]

[ cut to another car flipping onto its back ]

[ cut to third car, upside-down and in flames ]

Voice of Daddy: Okay, we’re home!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Harley’s Bristol Creme

Sue…..Gilda Radner
Honker…..Bill Murray

[ open on Woman sitting in her apartment engaged in a phone call from the comfort of her couch ]

Sue: Hello, Tom? This is Sue. I’m here all alone in my apartment, and I have some Harley’s Bristol Creme, and I thought maybe you’d want to come over. What? You are? Well, I’m sorry I disturbed you. Okay. Sure.

[ hangs up, tries another number ]

Hello, Stan. Sue. I’m here all alone in my apartment, and I have some Harley’s Bristol Creme, and I was thinking maybe you’d like to come over. Oh. That’s too bad. Okay, yeah.. maybe some other time.

[ hangs up, tries another number ]

Hello, Mike! This is Sue! I’m alone in my apartment, and I have some.. You did? When? Well.. congratulations. Okay, goodbye.

[ hangs up phone, walks over to the window, opens it and yells down below ]

Hey! Hey! You! You want some Harly’s Bristol Creme! Come on up, Apartment 3C!

Announcer: It used to be that a woman couldn’t invite a man over for a drink. All that’s changed now. Harley’s Bristol Creme, over ice. It’s downright upright.

[ Sue is now sharing her Harley’s Bristol Creme with Honker, whom she pulled off the street ]

Honker: Geez, I’m really spinning on this stuff, what the heck do you call it?

Sue: Harley’s Bristol Creme. I knew you’d like it.

[ Sue pulls Honker over so they cna make out ]

Announcer: Harley’s Bristol Creme. Why not invite someone over tonight? It’s downright upright.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Buck’s Story

…..Bill Murray
…..Jane Curtin
…..Buck Henry

[ open on protestors holding picket signs outside of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Protestors: [ chanting ] NO MORE BUCK!! NO MORE BUCK!! NO MORE BUCK!!

[ dissolve to interior, Studio 8-H locker room, as Bill Murray approaches Jane Curtin ]

Bill Murray: Did you see what’s going on outside?

Jane Curtin: Yeah. It’s been like that all week, demonstrations at EVERY NBC station across the country.

Bill Murray: I guess people are really upset about Buck Henry hosting again, you know?

Jane Curtin: Upset? They’re OUTRAGED! And I sympathize. I mean, Buck is a nice guy and everything, but he doesn’t have any talent. Frankly, he’s boring.

Bill Murray: Very boring.

Jane Curtin: Yeah. The man has hosted the show, what, eleven times? And I still haven’t figured out what he does, beside hosting the show.

Bill Murray: And borrowing money from us when he’s here.

Jane Curtin: My God… when I think of all the talented people who are DYING to host this show… You know, I have a friend who just worked on a movie with Clint Eastwood, and this show is his favorite show.

Bill Murray: Really?

Jane Curtin: Yes. And, according to my friend, Clint wanted very much to host tonight’s show. He even called Lorne on the phone, at home.

Bill Murray: Really?

Jane Curtin: Yes. Lorne didn’t call him back. [ outraged ] Clint Eastwood could have been here tonight! But we’ve got Bucky Henry.

Bill Murray: That’s what we’ve got.

[ Buck Henry sainters down the hall surrounded by guards ]

Bill Murray: Hi, Buck.

Buck Henry: [ to the guards ] I’ll be in in a minute. [ to Bill ] Hey! How you doing? Ready for the big show?

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

Buck Henry: Those fans are SOMETHING, aren’t they? I mean, they just can’t keep their hands off me! I’ll just change my clothes, I’ll be with you in a minute.

[ Buck exits down the hall ]

Jane Curtin: Lorne must be OUT OF HIS MIND!!

Bill Murray: Jane, don’t blame him. He wouldn’t hurt Clint for anything in this world, I don’t think. He loathes Buck just as much as we do. It’s the network… it’s the network that forces Buck on us.

Jane Curtin: But nobody watches the show when Buck hosts the show! The ratings always go down!

Bill Murray: It’s true. NBC loses a fortune every time he hosts the show. But, Jane, sometimes in show business there are things that are more important than dollars or cents.

Jane Curtin: What the HELL are you talking about?

Bill Murray: I wasn’t going to tell this to anyone, Jane. It’s a secret I’ve been keeping to myself ever since I started here at NBC, back when I was a file clerk in Legal — this was before I got transferred into Acting. I came across a letter that explained a lot. Did you ever hear of the Korean War?

Jane Curtin: I thought it was the Korean Conflict?

Bill Murray: It was a war — ask anybody who was there. Well, one of the fiercest battles took place at Pork Chop Hill — the John Wayne movie, you ever see it?

Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah…

Bill Murray: Well, Buck was there. His whole company was wiped out by a raid, and Buck was crawling across a field trying to get back to Italian headquarters. And he got hit by a mortar shell, steel fragments tore through his leg and his arm. He fell into a foxhole and found himself next to another G.I., form his own unit who was wounded pretty badly. A mortar went off, and Buck jumped over this guy trying to protect him. He stayed there all day and night, and then he picked up the guy and carried him for six hours, sometimes on his stomach, crawling, always protecting him from bullets. Weak from blood, he gave him his last, last drop of water out of his canteen. And Buck and this man are the only two who knew what happened, until I saw the letter in Legal. And that is the reason why Buck Henry has hosted this show twelve times.

Jane Curtin: I don’t get it, I don’t understand the connection, I…

Bill Murray: You know that old saying, “Wars that tear nations apart, can also bring individuals together”?

Jane Curtin: Yeah, I know that.

Bill Murray: Well… that wounded soldier, whose life was saved by Buck Henry, that good-as-dead G.I., was a young kid from Cleveland, Ohio: Private First Class Fred Silverman.

Jane Curtin: THE Fred Silverman?

Bill Murray: [ he nods ] Our Fred Silverman. [ “America the Beautiful” begins to play softly in the background ] A man who finds himself fighting on a different battlefield now. The stakes aren’t life and death, and there’s no bloodshed… but maybe they’re just as high. It’s the life and death of a network. Despite the fact that the NBC peacock is in its own coma right now, Fred knows that he wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for Buck. And he’ll stick with him, no matter what the ratings. [ he chokes on his words ] And no matter how many affiliates across the country are destroyed by demonstrators… whenever Buck hosts the show.

Jane Curtin: [ solemn ] I didn’t know that about Buck. I’m so ashamed I spoke so harshly of him. I don’t know what to say… except… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

[ dissolve from host bumper to find Buck Henry turned away from the audience and engaged in conversation with the cast ]

Buck Henry: [ turning around ] Well, once again, I — I think we have proved what I have tried to point out at the beginning of the show. [ members of the cast begin to scowl ] That… there’s a factor of heart in show business, and that it’s not always what you expect. You know… there are a lot of stories that they tell in this fabulous business called theater, television, film… this incredible world where people get together and… really try to help each other and try to find a way —

Al Franken: You’re the WORST, Buck!

Buck Henry: — to perform together in order so that you the audience can be fully entertained —

Jane Curtin: Lighten up, will you, Buck?!

Buck Henry: — and can have a sense of the heart that goes into all of our endevours.

Al Franken: Billy?

[ Bill Murray jumps up on stage ]

Bill Murray: Hey, Buck, come on! Get off!

Jane Curtin: Get him out of here! Come on, get him out of here! Get him out!

[ Bill Murray yanks Henry off the stage, as he begins to flee from the advancing mob ]

[ the credits begin to roll as the chase extends itself into the outer halls of Studio 8-H ]

[ the cast quikcly catches up to Henry, seizes him, and pummels him to the ground ]

[ dissolve to the audience applauding in the balcony ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Bea Arthur, with musical guest The Roches. This Wednesday, watch NBC’s “Best of Saturday Night Live” for NINETY minutes, starting at 9:30/8:30 Mountain and Central. This is the Don Pardo saying Good night.

[ hold on the SNL house band, the last of the crew still in the studio, playing until the very end ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Love Contract

Hampton Jitney…..Bill Murray
Muffy Barber…..Laraine Newman
Ed Rosen…..Buck Henry
Stan Brewster…..Harry Shearer
Loretta…..Jane Curtin
Algonquin J. Calhoun…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Hampton Jitney seated on couch with Muffy Barber ]

Hampton Jitney: Muffy? Remember when I todl you I had a very important question I wanted to ask you tonight, the most important question I’ve ever asked anyone? Do you know what I was talking about?

Muffy Barber: Well, I… I think I do.

Hampton Jitney: Are you glad?

Muffy Barber: Yes. Aren’t you glad?

Hampton Jitney: Yes. But I’m a little nervous. Since I thought it was the most important question I’d ever ask, or that I probably ever will ask… I didn’t want to ask it without my lawyer present.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Hampton Jitney: Well, that must be him. I told him to come. [ he kisses Muffy on the cheek ] I’ll get it, kitten. Stay right there.

[ he opens the door to Ed Rosen ]

Hampton Jitney: Hi!

Ed Rosen: Hi.

Hampton Jitney: Oh. How are you?

Muffy Barber: Honey, I’m sorry! That’s my lawyer! You see… when you told me that it was the most important question that you’d ever want to ask, I knew it would be the most important question I’d ever have to answer, and I figured I should have my lawyer present. [ to Ed ] Oh, I’m sorry! This is my fiancee, Hampton Jitney; my attorney, Ed Rosen.

[ suddenly, Stan Brewster enters ]

Stan Brewster: Hey! How are you, everybody?

Ed Rosen: Hi.

Hampton Jitney: Hi.

Muffy Barber: Who’s that?

Hampton Jitney: Oh! Uh, well, this is my lawyer — Stan Brewster; my fiancee, Muffy Barber.

Stan Brewster: How do you do?

Hampton Jitney: And, uh, her lawyer —

Stan Brewster: Ed Rosen! We’ve met!

Ed Rosen: Yes, indeed!

Hampton Jitney: Okay! Well, sit down. Would you like a drink?

Stan Brewster: No.

Ed Rosen: No, nothing for me, no.

[ they all sit ]

Stan Brewster: This is, uh, this is quite a change for us.

Ed Rosen: Yes, we usually meet in Divorce Court.

Stan Brewster: That’s correct. But I don’t think it’s gonna be too much trouble today. [ to Muffy ] Hampton just wants you to kind of set a few guidelines. Basically, what he wants to convey is nothing more complicated than the house, the car, the business and the investments… will be outside.

Muffy Barber: Outside?

Stan Brewster: Yes, outside the marriage.

Hampton Jitney: I don’t want money to ever come between us. Everybody we know is always fighting, and it’s always about money. Anything you ever want, I will give to you… if it’s within my power. You’ll never want, and you’ll never go hungry. [ he kisses her cheek ]

Muffy Barber: Oh, Cupcake… that’s so sweet! But I, uh, I do think we should have some kind of committment to say that we care about each other.

Ed Rosen: Uhhhh, by “caring”, we mean on an equal property agreement which would include cars, house, and business. Uh, our definition of “caring” would also include a compulsory financial committment in the order of shared life insurance, joint tenancy in all real estates, stocks and jewelry, to be divided equally upon the dissolution of the relationship.

Muffy Barber: Just in case you die, honey.

Hampton Jitney: But… Sweet Stuff… I-I-I’m just not sure about this equal property provision. You know, what if you have a stroke… and we’re supposed to sign everything jointly, and I need to cash in, say, the life insurance to pay for your medical supplies. I’m taking care of you, and mopping your forehead, and changing your bedpan, and making sure you’re comfortable and everything… and you’ve lost all the motor power on your right side. You can’t even wave Yes or No, let alone sign anything.

Ed Rosen: Ah-ah! I don’t think that’s a relevant point. If anything like that ever happens, of course there’ll be love and concern. We certainly don’t need to worry about that! What we’re talking about is a partnership here, and where to base that partnership. [ he leans closer to Muffy ] Uh — if you have a brain in your head, you’ll do it, Bianca, demand a permanent domicile in California.

Muffy Barber: [ sweetly, to Hampton ] Tootsie Roll! Can we get married and live in California forever and everrrrr?

[ Hampton chuckles nervously, as his lawyer leans forward ]

Stan Brewster: A temporary residence, not to exceed 90 days or else you can kiss the family jewels goodbye.

Hampton Jitney: Oh, you know, honey, I like California… but I’m gonna need to get back to New York and recharge my batteries. You know I’m gonna need that every couple of months.

Ed Rosen: Okay, okay! Joint tentacy, but SEPARATE domiciles!

Stan Brewster: Hey, look, I don’t understand why we’re having this whole discussion! You know, MY understanding of what we were doing here is just a simple prenuptial agreement. There’s nothing complicated about it, it’s a fairly standard form. As a matter of fact, my colleague here helped me to write it in the first place!

Ed Rosen: Well… there’s no way that my client is going to sign this thing without SUBSTANTIAL amendments.

Hampton Jitney: Honey! How could you possibly DO this to me?! I would think that if you loved me, you would never want to embarrass me in front of my attorney.

Muffy Barber: This is the SAME thing we were talking about last night, Hampton — your constant HARPING on how I’m after your money! We can’t work this way!

Hampton Jitney: Lovemumps… I’m not doing anything that someone — anyone else in my position wouldn’t do. I mean, marriage is different nowadays. It’s gotta be a direct, honest relationship, a direct agreement… it’s an AGREEMENT! It’s, uh —

Stan Brewster: A contract.

Hampton Jitney: It’s a contract! It’s — it’s — it’s NOTORIZED! It’s, uh —

Stan Brewster: It’s binding.

Hampton Jitney: It’s BINDING! It’s a binding, notorized contract!

Muffy Barber: But it’s love!

Ed Rosen: Yes! She’s absolutely right! And that’s why we’re not signing! This contract is sexist, it’s one-sided, it’s not representive of my client! This isn’t love! It’s not protective! You don’t know the meaning of love!

Stan Brewster: Well, it’s our FINAL offer! Take it or leave it!

Ed Rosen: Well, FORGET it! We can do better than this!

Stan Brewster: So can we! We don’t need you!

Ed Rosen: [ grabbing Muffy’s arm ] Muffy, we’re not staying here for this!

Muffy Barber: Oh… well, I’m so confused, Love Wubby. Perhaps we shouldn’t get married right now, if we’re not sure how we feel about each other.

Hampton Jitney: Yeah, I wish I knew for both of us , my little Famous Amos.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Hampton Jitney: I’ll get it. Excuse me.

[ Hampton answers the door to Loretta and her lawyer ]

Loretta: Hampton, darling, I’ve reconsidered. I’ve talked it over with my lawyer, Mr. Calhoun, here, and I’m ready to sign.

Algonquin J. Calhoun: That’s right! Uh, we’ll accept with no clauses.

Hampton Jitney: Oh, Loretta! You’re ready to commit! [ he hugs her ] Sweet heart! [ to Muffy ] And you, Muffy… I stuck with you all the way. But when push came to shove, you shoved! You turned on me! Well, I don’t ever want to see you or your lawyer again in my house.

Ed Rosen: What do you mean, your house? Does the word “palimony” mean anything to you?!

Hampton Jitney: Oh, sure…

Ed Rosen: I’m gonna slap a lien on this house you won’t BELIEVE!!

Muffy Barber: I don’t know, Marty… maybe I wasn’t ready for a relationship that —

Ed Rosen: Don’t give up, kid! We’re in a stronger position now than when we walked in. We’re gonna make him pay! Technically, you lived under the same roof, all those vacations together, those —

[ Ed Rosen walks his client out of the apartment ]

[ Loretta attempts to sign the contract ]

Loretta: You know, my pen’s out of ink. Can I use yours?

Hampton Jitney: Oh, honey! [ he pulls a pen out of his pocket ] Use mine.

Loretta: Oh, thank you, darling!

[ Algonquin J. Calhoun approaches Hampton’s lawyer ]

Algonquin J. Calhoun: Algonquin J. Calhoun is the name!

[ they shake hands and sit down to talk ]

[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next: Biorhythm & Blues” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry!

[ Buck Henry enters Home Base, which is surrounded by guards in pith helmets ]

Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you, thank you all very much! You should SEE them down there! I mean, it’s just incredible! As always, it’s a GREAT pleasure to host my favorite show — “Saturday Night Live”. And, you know, I’m often asked why I like hosting this show so much. I mean, after all, this is, I think, my TWELFTH time… and the answer to that question isn’t easy. One: It’s because I LOVE the people here —

Voice in the Audience: YOU STINK!!

Buck Henry: Exactly! It’s just — it’s like a family! It’s like a wonderful family, every time I come here. Uh — it’s just — I just feel —

Voice in the Audience: YOU’RE THE WORST!!

Buck Henry: [ nodding ] They yell at me, they try to touch me, it’s just — it’s a wonderful thing! In fact, I’ve become so recognizable from this show, that I’ve grown this beard… [ he rubs his beard ] to attempt a certain anonymity so that, uh, you know, so that people everywhere can —

[ a protestor rushes the stage, as the guards swarm on him ]

Protestor: LISTEN, YOU UNTALENTED… YOU STINK!!

[ the guards drag the protestor out of the studio ]

Buck Henry: No, not autographs now! Autographs later! It’s okay. I don’t know, I — I enjoy my life without the incessant disturbance of an audience, and it’s not that —

Voice in the Audience: GET OFF!!

Buck Henry: It’s not that I’m ungrateful — thank you, mind you. It’s just that this show has actually made a career for me. Everyone who is associated with this show, as you know, has achieved a kind of, uh, stardom. And, uh, in all modesty, I have to say I can’t go out in public any more without causing a commotion. I — I can almost, as I’m sure you can, feel the love from that crowd —

[ cut to the crowd of protestors outside the studio, now starting to burn Buck in effigy ]

Buck Henry V/O: Feel them trying to get near me, trying to touch me, trying to get, uh, I don’t know, I suppose to share, in some sense, the feeling that I am someplace they want to be.

[ return to Home Base ]

Buck Henry: And if by touching me and experiencing what I’m experiencing, they join me in this kind of — they’re CRAZY about me! They don’t leave me alone for a second. And I want to thank you all for sharing in that same feeling, and we’ll be RIGHT back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 4

79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Nerds

Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Marshall DiLaMuca…..Buck Henry

[ open on Lisa Loopner and Todd DiLaMuca entering the Loopner living room to sit on the couch ]

Lisa Loopner: Boy, Todd… you sure wolfed down dinner in a hurry!

Todd DiLaMuca: That’s because I’m hungry for some of that Loopner lunch pail, that’s all.

Lisa Loopner: Oh. Now, Todd, we’ve been through this a ZILLION times, and the answer to your pathetic animal needs is still “NO!! N-O spells NO!!”

Todd DiLaMuca: [ as he tries to peek under Lisa’s skirt ] Lisa… according to Masters & Johnson, I’m at my sexual peak. Give in to me now, my kitten, and I shall remember you when you peak at about 55 or 60…

Lisa Loopner: Todd! That’s real big of you! But — according to Sherry Hite, you can never give me as much pleasure as I can give myself!

Todd DiLaMuca: What does Sherry Hite know? She’s never dated me.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah. Well, personally — [ as Todd rubs her shoulder ] Stop, Todd! [ she laughs ] I feel that in our culture, sex is overrated. [ Todd blows at her, she blows back ] I mean, look at my mother. I mean, she’s perfectly happy with the memory of my father — the late Mr. Loopner —

Together: God rest his soul.

Todd DiLaMuca: Well, YOU look at your mother — her shoulders are up around her ears. The woman is repressed! I mean, she’s got problems.

Lisa Loopner: That’s because her bra straps are too tight!

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yeah… sure.

[ Mrs. Loopner enters with a jar of mayonnaise ]

Mrs. Loopner: Todd? Could you unscrew this for me? I seem to have screwed the lid on too hard.

Todd DiLaMuca: Certainly, Mrs. Loopner. [ he struggles with the jar ] It’s really jammed, isn’t it? [ he finally pops the lid ]

Mrs. Loopner: Ooooh, Todd! You have such a strong right arm!

Lisa Loopner: Yeah. He works out with it a lot.

[ Todd gives her a dirty look ]

Mrs. Loopner: Well, back to the salt mines!

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom? Forget about the egg salad. I can BUY lunch!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa. I enjoy making egg salad. It gives me great pleasure. That, and ironing contoured sheets.

[ Mrs. Loopner exits back to the kitchen ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Ironing contour sheets.

Lisa Loopner: Todd… maybe she IS sublimating her sexual energy.

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh-ho-ho, perhaps, Diapolis. Hey, my dad’s the same way ever since we lost my mom. But I don’t want you to end up like that, Lisa. [ he wraps his arm around her ] I want that pink, pink blush of your nose… spread down, down, down your cheeks… across your rather unusually skinny and fleshy neck… [ Lisa laughs ] down to your rosy halo to your chest — whwrever your chest may be.

Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Pizza-Face!

Todd DiLaMuca: Lisa, prove your love to me — or else you’ll be responsible for giving me a painful case of… LOVER’S NOOGIE!

[ he proceeds to pound her on the head ]

Lisa Loopner: Todd!

Todd DiLaMuca: That’s right! You know what Lover’s Noogies are — it’s when your head turns all blue and swells up?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Lisa Loopner: I’ll get it.

Todd DiLaMuca: Get what?

[ Todd’s dad is at the door ]

Lisa Loopner: Hello, Mr. DiLaMuca!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Lisa!

Lisa Loopner: Nice to see you!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Nice to see you, too! Todd, a little bird told me that I’d find you here! And no wonder, when I look at Lisa! [ he snorts ]

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. DiLaMuca!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Uh — where are you hiding that GORGEOUS mother of yours?

Lisa Loopner: She’s in the kitchen.

Todd DiLaMuca: Why don’t you go get her? [ he gives Lisa a secret signal ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t go to any trouble on my account.

Lisa Loopner: [ catching on ] Oh, yeah — right! Why don’t I go get her! Yeah! It’s no trouble!

[ Lisa skips into the kitchen ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, Son, we’re in luck! I managed to get TWO tickets to the Tri-State All-Star Chess tournament tonight! How about stepping out with your old man!

Todd DiLaMuca: Gee, Dad… I’d love to, but I’ve got some Trig homework that I’m dying to get to. I’m really excited about it. Say, I know — why don’t you ask, uh, Mrs. Loopner to go with you?

Mr. DiLaMuca: Ask Enid?

Todd DiLaMuca: Sure. It’ll do her good to get out of the house — and it may do me some good, too, if you get my drift.

Mr. DiLaMuca: [ laughing ] Oh, she wouldn’t want to go out with an old fogey like me!

Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, maybe not, Dad, but, uh… deep down, she’s DYING for it! I know that. Deep down.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Uhhhh — [ he chuckles laciviously ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? I have a confession to make, between us guys. I found that shoebox of yours with the Belgian postcards.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Todd! What were you doing in my underwear drawer?

Todd DiLaMuca: Sorry, Dad. I looked at them all, except for those two that were stuck together.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Too bad. Those were the best ones.

Todd DiLaMuca: You know, uh, that thought had occurred to me! [ he laughs ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Yeah, but, but, but, uh — [ laughing ] Enid Loopner? She’s a whole lot of woman!

Todd DiLaMuca: She’s a beast. Now, Dad, I happen to know that, uh, Mrs. Loopner is a natural blonde.

Mr. DiLaMuca: What? You’ve seen her in her… birthday suit? [ he laughs ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Don’t gross me out, Dad. I mean, the hair on her arms is blonde.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Oh!

[ Lisa and her mom enter ]

Mrs. Loopner: Marshall! Long time, no see!

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, boy, Dad! Go for it!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Enid! How’s every little thing?

[ Todd pushes his dad closer to Mrs. Loopner ]

Mrs. Loopner: Couldn’t be better! Ohhh, I see you’ve grown a beard!

Mr. DiLaMuca: I had to stop shaving because of this painful skin condition!

Lisa Loopner: Like father, like son!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, I always say a man without a beard is like a hot apple pie without cheese!

[ they all laugh ]

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom, let me take off your apron, and show your beautiful housecoat! Isn’t it pretty?

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes. Isn’t Mrs. Loopner wearing an attractive housecoat, Dad?

Mrs. Loopner: Well, it is a housecoat — it’s just for wearing aound the house!

Todd DiLaMuca: I don’t know about that. I’d say it could go anywhere — you could even wear it to a chess tournament, for example, don’t you think?

Mr. DiLaMuca: I — I — I — do have two tickets.

Mrs. Loopner: [ flattered ] Oh. Oh, Marshall… [ she laughs ] Well, I don’t mean to be a mulligan, but, uh… you know, I always thought, um… I mean, I really, uh… you know, Marshall, whatever became of Mrs. DiLaMuca?

Mr. DiLaMuca: That, Enid, is the $64,000 question.

[ they laugh hysterically ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? Please. You promised.

Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost Mrs. DiLaMuca some twelve years ago.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… how did it happen?

Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost her at Expo ’67. She was supposed to meet us at the car.

Todd DiLaMuca: Dad! No! Come on!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, she said she just wanted to go and buy one of those little wooden dolls with all the other little wooden dolls inside, you know? And she wasn’t sure which pavilion to go to — Bulgaria or Romania.

Lisa Loopner: You mean, she wasn’t killed in Vietnam?

Todd DiLaMuca: No, Lisa. She wasn’t an Army nurse, she didn’t win the Congressional Medal of Honor, either.

Lisa Loopner: Todd, you’re a liar!

Mr. DiLaMuca: I blame myself!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Marshall, you musn’t.

Mr. DiLaMuca: What about the chess tournament, Enid? Will you go with me?

Mrs. Loopner: [ excited ] Well… who’s playing?

Mr. DiLaMuca: Ferg Ginsburg and Jeffrey Stutz. [ Mrs. Loopner gasps ] It should be pretty exciting — the winner gets to try out for the Semi-Finals.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that sounds like fun!

Mr. DiLaMuca: You know, Enid, sometimes I get so excited watching… I almost make a noise.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh? Well, I’d like to go, Marshall, but I just put a fresh batch of eggs on to boil.

Todd DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t worry, Mrs. Loopner, I’ll watch the eggs.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Alright, what’ll it be, Enid? Yay, or Nay?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, GO, Mom! You’d be CRAZY not to go! It’s great! I’d KILL to go! Come on, Mom, go!

Mr. DiLaMuca: You mean, you — wai — what? Well, then… take my ticket, here.

[ Todd throws his arms up in bewilderment ]

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, yeah, if you really want to go. Of course — well, BOTH of you go! Alright? Here are the tickets. [ he hands each Loopner a ticket ] You’d better hurry now!

Mrs. Loopner: B-but what about the eggs?

Mr. DiLaMuca: We’ll worry about the eggs!

Mrs. Loopner: Are you sure, Marshall?

[ Todd Smacks a stack of books on his head ]

Mr. DiLaMuca: Yes! Don’t you worry about the eggs! Just go and have a DARN good time!

Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, did you leave the keys in the Gremlin?

Lisa Loopner: Yeah, I think I did, Mom!

Mrs. Loopner: Marshall, thank you.

Lisa Loopner: Okay, byyyye! Goodbye! I guess I’ll see you in school!

Todd DiLaMuca: Goodbye, Lisa…

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mr. DiLaMuca!

Mr. DiLaMuca: Have a good time now!

[ the Loopners leave, as the DiLaMucas sit on the couch ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, way to go, Dad.

Mr. DiLaMuca: Well! I guess now we have a… couple of hours to kill?

Todd DiLaMuca: Aw, that’s okay. I brought the postcards with me. [ he pulls them out of his textbook ] Look at this!

[ Father and Son look over their naughty postcards together, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “coming up next: Kamikaze TV Pilots” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts