Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Mr. Bill Builds a House

(Scene opens at Pleasant Stay Trailer Park where Mr. Bill is now living)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today. Because we’re all going to build a new house. Yaaay! You know, I had a little accident last week. My house burned down. But don’t worry, cause my insurance company is going to pay for everything. Yaay! So in the meantime, me and Spot and Miss Sally are all going to stay in this beautiful new trailer. Oh yaaay! (Spot barks as a car pulls up and Mr. Hands comes out) Uh oh.

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, the insurance company contracted me to build your new house. Isn’t that great?

Mr. Bill: Oh no. That’s ok. I’ll do it myself.

Mr. Hands: Oh gee, you can help me then. Say I’ll give you a lift over to the construction site. (hooks the latch of his car to Mr. Bill’s trailer and places Mr. Bill in the trailer)

Mr. Bill: Oh come on Mr. Hands. Why don’t you leave us alone. You know, if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t need a new house anyway. Huh? So leave us alone.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. Off we go! (Takes off in the car and pulls the trailer and Spot along Mr. Hands drives very fast causing the trailer to go on a roller coaster ride with Mr. Bill and Miss Sally in it. The trailer hits a curb and crashes in front of the construction site.) Well here we are at the construction site. Say Mr. Bill, why don’t you stand in the spot where your new living room is going to be. (places Mr. Bill in the dirt where the house is going to be)

Mr. Bill: No, I don’t want to. I want to go back to the trailer park. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Ok, now first we’ll need plenty of bricks. (Carries a trovel of bricks over the trailer wreckage.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Miss Sally’s underneath there! No wait stop! (Mr. Hands dumps the bricks on Miss Sally) Oh poor Miss Sally. Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: And now we’ll pour the foundation. (pours cement where Mr. Bill is standing.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, get me out of here! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhh! I’m stuck! Get me out!

Mr. Hands: Oh all right. I’ll get you out (Uses a hammer and chisel to get Mr. Bill free.) There you go.

Mr. Bill: No! No, no wait! Ohhhhhhhh! (His hand lands next to a nail on a board.)

Mr. Hands: Say, thanks for holding my nail Mr. Bill! (Hammers Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, can you steady this board for me while I drill some holes in it? Huh? (Places a board on Mr. Bill standing up.)

Mr. Bill: No, you just want to be mean to me! Stop!

Mr. Hands: Okay now hold it firmly. (Starts drilling into Mr. Bill back and Mr. Bill starts spinning out of control.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands finishes the frame of the house.)

Mr. Hands: Ahhh, there. How do you like it Mr. Bill? Huh?

Mr. Bill: (standing inside the house) I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: But it’s your new home. (Insurance Agent Sluggo appears) Oh gee, the insurance agent stopped by. Hey!

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Get me out of here!…Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! He says the insurance company isn’t going to pay a cent.

Mr. Bill: But I have a policy.

Mr. Hands: (shows Mr. Bill the contract with a magnifiying glass.) Gee Mr. Bill. I guess you didn’t read the fine print. (Shows Mr. Bill that the Expiration Date was “Yesterday”)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: He says it’ll have to be destroyed (A wrecking ball swings, destroys the house and sends Mr. Bill into a brick wall.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time! Bye bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

Reagan’s Nap Schedule

Aide…..Harry Shearer
Make-Up Artist…..Laraine Newman

[ Governor Ronald Reagan and his Campaign Aide step into Reagan’s dressing room ]

Aide: Congratulations, Governor, great speech! I think you really came across as a leader.

Make-Up Artist: [ seating Reagan down ] Oh, yes, Mr. Reagan, you just sit down right here, and I’ll get that make-up off you in just a jiffy!

Aide: Governor, we’ve got a car waiting for you outside to take you back to the hotel, where you may take a well-deserved rest before dinner. I’ve got your dentures right here.. [ taps his breast pocket ] ..we’ll have them cleaned and left in your room.

Make-Up Artist: [ rubbing Reagan’s make-up off his face ] Oh, listen.. we watched that speech in the control room, it was really great.. and you looked great!

Aide: Governor, I, uh.. I want to go over tomorrow’s itinerary. It’s going to be kind of a long day.. I want you up at 10:30 for the 11:30 flight to New Hampshire – don’t worry, you can sleep on the plane. 1 o’clock, there’s a working lunch on China. You’ll be briefed by William Lowe and Bob Hope. Uh.. just some cottage cheese and rice pudding.. Now, after lunch, nap ’til 3:00. 3:15, meeting with Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, Jack Kemp and Terry Bradshaw on Inflation and Football. And I promise I’ll have you back at the hotel no later than 3:45 for that nap. 5:00.. I thought you might want to know they’re showing Part 1 of “Ocean’s Eleven” on the early movie.. [ Reagan mumbles inaudibly ] ..uh, yeah.. Danny Ocean tries to rob a casino in Vegas, the whole Rat Pack’s in it.. uh.. Frank, Dean, Sammy, Joey..

Make-Up Artist: Uh, listen, Mr. Reagan, you ever get to watch your own movies? Because, like, I once saw one that was called “King’s Row”, and.. did you really get your legs cut off in that? Or, like, were you sitting on them.. did you have special pants, or something..?

Aide: Uh, excuse me, Governor.. the movie’s over at 6:30.. you have a nap ’til 8:00. Then, at 8:30, we have cocktails in the Edmund Burke room at the hotel.. that’s the Reactionary Democrats for Reagan.. followed by a very short nap, then 9:15 for dinner.. [ Reagan mumbles ] No, no! Don’t worry, don’t worry.. it’s cream of tomato soup, boneless chicken breast, boiled, wth mashed potatoes.. and for dessert, your choice: jello or applesauce. For ten minutes, at 10 o’clock, you speak.. you’ll be back in your room by 10:30 – since it’s so late, I’d skip the nap and go straight to bed. Now, I gotta go check the car. Great speech! [ runs out of the dressing room ]

Make-Up Artist: Mr. Reagan, can I ask you a question? [ Reagan nods ] You were once president of the Screen Actors Guild, wern’t you? ‘Cause, like, I was wondering, you know.. I make-up a lot of actors, and stuff.. and I really think I do a better job than they do.. Is there anything you an, like, say to get into the guild? [ Reagan mumbles inaudibly ] Huh? [ Reagan mumbles again, slowly so that the show’s opening can be made out ] Oh! Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SaveCo

Tom Clay…..Harry Shearer

Tom Clay voiceover: Prices are going out of sight – inflation is everywhere, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Oh, yeah? Says who?

Tom Clay: Hi! Tom Clay, for Saveco, America’s number one chain of recalled-products discount centers. Hey, nobody likes to pay retail, or even wholesale, prices. That’s why there’s Saveco. Let me tell you what we do – every time the Federal government orders a product recalled – we buy it! No, not one or two at a time. Not even by the dozen. In carload lots! Then, we sell these brand-new products. Microwave ovens that barely excede radiation-leakage standards, even children’s pajamas completely fireproof with a possible carcinogen – we sell them all! At a fraction of the original price. And with it, as always, the famous Saveco guarantee – if you can find the same product advertised at or near the original price, we’ll get a tempory junction against the other store.

If they made it wrong, the prce is right! At Saveco!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Dr. Al Franken…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchors Jane Curtain and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

85-year-old George Meaney announced from his wheelchair at the AFL-CIOConvention, Thursday, that he was retiring as President of the Organization. Unfortunately, no one from the Teamster’s Union was there to move him, and he was forced to sit there by himself in the auditorium waiting for someone from the morning shift.

And a verdict is finally in on longshoreman Union boss Anthony Scotto, who was convicted this week on thirty-three counts of racketeering on Brooklyn’s waterfront. Authorities, searching Scotto’s apartment, found 250 pounds of water and fish, which eyewitnesses claim Scotto had embezzled from the docks.

Jane Curtin: And now, a special science report from our “Weekend Update” Science Editor, Dr. Al Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Well, thank you, Jane. The cockroach is actually any of numerous insects characterized by rapid movements and nocturnals habits. Now, the cockroach is a difficult insect to kill. In fact, the species pre-dates man, and may well survive us. [ removes a flask from his front pocket ] Now, I have here several live cockroaches. [ pulls one out of the flask ] Let’s just rip the antenna off and peel his legs and see what happens, and.. oh. I just tore his body off there, so, uh.. [ gets another cockroach ] Let’s see what happens when we.. stick a pin through him. [ stabs the cockroach ] As you can see, he’s wriggling around – a very, very difficult insect to kill, it’s fascinating. Now, heat.. is a very effective way of killing living matter, so let’s try boiling one of these fellas.. [ drops cockroach in a beaker and places it over fire ]. We’llcheck up on him later. [ takes out some more cockroaches ] Now, here we have a few more fellas.. let’s see what happens when we try a littledishwashing liquid. [ squeezes dishwashing liquid onto the cockroaches ] This should suffocate them..

Jane Curtin: [ interceding ] Dr., what are you trying to prove?

Dr. Al Franken: [ confused ] I’m sorry? I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Jane Curtin: What are these experiments supposed to demonstrate? Experiments usually try to prove something, or actually try to demonstrate some theory or fact..

Dr. Al Franken: Well, that’s not actually true. Most experiments are used to discover something.

Jane Curtin: Well, then, what are you trying to discover?

Dr. Al Franken: Well, I don’t know.. If scientists always had to know what they were trying to discover, we never would have invented penicillin, or photography, or a lot of other really important inventions. It’s a tedious process, but, unfortunately, it’s absolutely necessary.

Jane Curtin: Well, thank you very much, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Woman to Woman

Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Rosemary O’Connell…..Bea Arthur

[ open on set with superimposed title card, with Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” playing over it ]

Connie Carson: Hello, and welcome to “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Today, I’m talking to a woman who says she prefers to be described by one wrd: [ disgustedly ] “Mother.” I’d like you to meet Mrs. Rosemary O’Connell. Rosemary… just how many children do you and your husband have?

Rosemary O’Connell: Five. Five WONDERFUL children!

Connie Carson: Oh. [ she chuckles condescendingly ] Now, Rosemary, tell me, honestly: Are they really ALL wonderful?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes! ABSOLUTELY wonderful!

Connie Carson: Oh, but they must have all grown up by now and flown the nest.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes — they are all leading independent lives of their own now! My son Jimmy — he is the oldest — he’s a lawyer; uh, my daughter Louise is a doctor; uh, my son Max is a lawyer and a doctor; and my daughter Elizabeth is a doctor and a lawyer; and my youngest son, Free — [ she laughs ] he’s the hippie in the family! — he’s a paralegal… and a paramedic!

Connie Carson: [ frowning ] Oh. And do they stay in touch, or, uh, have they forgotten all about their old mom?

Rosemary O’Connell: Connie, do you know that each one of them calls me every single day? Sometimes TWICE a day? [ she laughs ] Oh, it’s almost a NUISANCE!

Connie Carson: I see. Of course, I never had any children. Oh, how could I? I’m not married. Uh — but when I imagine giving birth to FIVE bald, red-faced, ugly, drooling, mucus —

Rosemary O’Connell: Honey, ALL of my children were born with FULL heads of hair.

Connie Carson: But, Rosemary, isn’t going through labor hell?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not for me. It was a SNAP! I guess I was lucky!

Connie Carson: [ desperately ] Stretch marks!

Rosemary O’Connell: What?

Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth ] You heard me.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, that! Oh, Connie! Now, what are a few stretch marks compared to the joy of bringing a new human being into the world?

Connie Carson: [ dismayed ] Yes. Well, I wouldn’t know. Uh — just tell me if I’m right on this one: I would imagine that, with five children, a career, like the wonderful career I have, would be absolutely out of the question.

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not really. Not at all! You see — I’m a best-selling novelist. I write gothic romances — under another name, of course!

Connie Carson: [ she chuckles in annoyance ] That so? I suppose you work at home?

Rosemary O’Connell: Yes. I write all my books in long-hand, at home, in bed. The children used to take turns typing and proofreading the manuscripts. They know that their mommy is… [ with a French accent ] Corrine DeRoche — author of all 28 Desiree novels.

Connie Carson: [ nearly gasping for breath ] So, Rosemary, you’re a mother, God knows, and a HACK writer. But, what about your husband? Doesn’t he feel left out?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not at all. No, my husband has said repeatedly that, for him, there is no more beautiful sight in the world than… a woman cradling a child to her breast.

Connie Carson: [ miffed ] What does he do?!

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, he’s an art historian. Uh — medieval portraiture — madonnas, mostly.

Connie Carson: [ shuffling her note cards ] Let’s see… um… Have, um, have any of your children ever gotten into trouble, huh, caused you any great pain?

Rosemary O’Connell: Oh… Connie, Connie, Connie! Never!

Connie Carson: [ disappointed ] Oh, Rosemary, Rosemary, Rosemary… What about drug abuse? I mean, uh, pills, angel dust, anything like that?

Rosemary O’Connell: No. Connie, may I tell you a very personal, and, I think, a very touching story?

Connie Carson: [ snidely ] What’s stopping you?

Rosemary O’Connell: Well, Connie, when my kids were starting Junioh High… I got one of every drug that was available on the street. And I laid them all out in front of them, and then I told them the pharmaceutical name, the slang name, the side effects, and the street value of each one. And I said, “Kids… if ever you feel tempted… to take any of these drugs, come to me, your mother, and I’ll take them with you.”

Connie Carson: [ stunned ] And, uh… did they?

Rosemary O’Connell: [ chuckling ] Oh, yes! Free and I dropped acid together in the late sixties! I know it was one of the msot beautiful experiences of my life, and I like to believe that it was for Free, also.

Connie Carson: [ trying to laugh ] Okayyyyy, viewers. Here’s today’s mother for you: Rosemary O’Connell. She forces her innocent children to take DRUGS with her! [ she smiles, satisfied ] Well, that’s all the time we have for “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young, unmarried career woman with no children, who makes a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Be sure to, uh, join us next week when we’ll be talking to Joan Kennedy about the tremendous progress she’s made in learning to control her facial muscles in public. Good night!

[ pull out to superimposed title and theme track, then fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 8th, 1979

Howard Hesseman

Randy Newman

None

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Peter Aykroyd
Great Moments in Rock & RollSummary: Early in his career, James Brown (Garrett Morris) is forced to abandon his Scottish musical roots.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, James Brown.

Montage

Howard Hesseman’s MonologueSummary: Howard Hesseman whips the audience into a pro-restraint chant.

The Bel AirabsSummary: Profiteers (Howard Hesseman, Garrett Morris) attempt to swindle the newfound fortune of Abdul Asad (Don Novello) and his clan.

Recurring Characters: Mudhad Asad, Fatima Asad, Abdul Asad, Granny, Miss Hathaway.

Randy Newman performs “It’s Money That I Love” & “I’m Gonna Take Off My Pants”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) gives a sports update and tries to avoid mentioning Anita Dark. Al Franken announces that the 1980’s will henceforth be known as The Al Franken Decade.

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela.

Transcript

BoyfriendsSummary: Susan’s (Gilda Radner) feelings for boyfriend Jerome (Howard Hesseman) are complicated by a visit from ex-lover Scott (Bill Murray).

Transcript

Stereo 105Summary: Obnoxious morning jock Steve Marvin (Harry Shearer) interviews former radio man Howard Hesseman.

Transcript

The Nuclear FamilySummary: Family unit (Howard Hesseman, Jane Curtin, Peter Aykroyd, Laraine Newman) are oblivious to the negative aspects of living between a pair of nuclear reactors.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “The Story of a Rock & Roll Band”

“First Love”Summary: In a film by Aviva Slesin, Jane Curtin tries desperately to catch up with her first love, Walter Cronkite.

The Holiday Inn Horror Summary: A couple’s (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin) relaxing hotel stay is interrupted by maid Rosa Santangelo’s (Gilda Radner) 6:30 a.m. vacuuming duties.

Recurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The All-New Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Bill: Hi, and welcome to the “All-New Mr. Bill Show”! with an all-new cast! Yayyyyyy!! You know.. that mean ol’ Sluggo and Mr. Hands won’t be back this season, because I think they were holding us back. But don’t worry, kids, because we’re gonna do a lot of fun things. Yayyyyyyy!! Say, to help start off the festivities, here’s my co-host, and my best friend – Spot! Yayyyyyy!!!

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: [ laughing ] Spot says it fits the flea perfectly! Spot, you’re so funny! And now, kids, I’d like to introduce you to a new guest on the show. She’s really versatile, witty and cute, and I met her on the beach this summer – let’s hear it for Miss Sally! Yayyyyyy!!

[ Miss Sally is revealed ]

Mr. Bill: Say, Miss Sally.. I wanted to show the kids some movies of how we met at the beach this summer.

Miss Sally: [ excited ] Okay!

Mr. Bill: Oh, great! So, will you roll the film now, please? [ the film doesn’t start ] Uhhh.. the film, please? Could you roll it?

[ Mr. Hands reaches into the scene carrying a film projector ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. I’m returning the protector I borrowed. Oops!

[ drops the projector on Miss Sally ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh! Sally, ohhhh! Mr. Hands! Didn’t I tell you to quit coming over here? Huh?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: Yeah! And, you know, we were having the best show ever until you showed up!

Mr. Hands: But Mr. Bill, I heard you were showing home movies tonight.

Mr. Bill: Well, I’m not in the mood any more!

Mr. Hands: Oh, come on. Help me plug it in.

Mr. Bill: [ with his arm casually resting on the projector reel ] Ohhh, no. You just want to shock me! Well, I’m not falling for that one again!

Mr. Hands: Okay. I’ll do it.

[ Mr. Hands plugs in the projector, which slices off Mr. Bill’s arm when the reels begins to spin ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!!

[ the film begins to play, showing Mr. Bill and Spot at the beach with Mr. Hands ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Ah, what a beautiful day that was, when we went to the beach at Coney Island.

Mr. Bill: Oh, goodie! Oh boy, we’re gonna have fun today at the beach!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, let’s toss the frisbee.

Mr. Bill: But I’m busy right now!

Mr. Hands: Oh.. okay. I’ll play with Spot. Here, Spot! Catch the frisbee!

[ Mr. Hands tosses the frisbee, which slices Spot’s head off ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Spot, oh!

[ Mr. Hands brings Miss Sally onto the beach scene ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, say, Mr. Bill.. this nice, young lady returned your frisbee.

Mr. Bill: Oh gee, thanks, Miss. Would you like to stay for lunch? Huh?

Miss Sally: Okay.

Mr. Bill: Oh, good! Say, Mr. Hands.. uh.. do we have any more food in the basket, huh?

Mr. Hands: Gee, I don’t know.. why don’t you check?

[ Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill up to the open picnic basket ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, okay.. gee.. there’s nothing left.

Mr. Hands: Oh?

[ Mr. Hands closes the basket onto Mr. Bill’s arm ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: [ throws the beach ball ] Say, why don’t you two throw the beach ball around?

[ the beach ball flattens Mr. Bill and Miss Sally onto the sand ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! You’re suntanning! Say, I’ll put on some hand lotion, and protect you from the sun. [ pours lighter fluid onto Mr. Bill’s back ]

Mr. Bill: Well, okay..

Mr. Hands: Say, you know, and I’ve got something that’ll give you an even quicker tan. [ holds a magnifying glass over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: [ nervous ] Uh, what’s that, Mr. Hands? [ the sun into the magnifying glass causes Mr. Bill to ignite faster than Michael Jackson ] Wait, that’s too hot! No, I don’t- ohhhhhh!!

[ cut to Mr. Bill at the movie projector watching in horror ]

[ cut back to the movie, as a buff beachgoer runs toward the camera and kicks sand at it ]

Mr. Hands: Uh-oh! Here comes Miss Sally’s jealous boyfriend.

[ the sand has left Mr. Bill buried along the shore ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! He kicked sand in your face! [ reaches down to retrieve Mr. Bill ] Uh.. Mr. Bill? What are you doing, looking for buried treasure? Huh? [ lifts Mr. Bill out of the sand with a shovel, revealing a small treasure ] Oh, boy, you hit the jackpot, Mr. Bill! That’s great!

Mr. Bill: Oh, really? I did! Well, what’s inside, huh, Mr. Hands?

Mr. Bill: Well, here.. why don’t you check? [ holds the treasure chest to Mr. Bill’s hand, then lets it shut close ]

Mr. Bill: No, wait, no, no..! [ Mr. Hands opens the chest to reveal tiny mousetraps covering his hand ] Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. why don’t you wash some of that sand off of you, huh? [ tosses Mr. Bill into the surf ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! But you know I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: Oh, gee, that’s right.. I’d better get the lifeguard.. [ reveal Sluggo as the lifeguard ] He said this will save you.. [ tosses a life preserver over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: [ places Mr. Bill on a stray surfboard ] Oh, boy! Surf’s up, Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh, but you know I can’t surf! Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands V/O: Boy, Mr. Bill, you really rode those waves that day. And Miss Sally was so impressed with how brave you were to fight the dangerous shark.

[ Mr. Bill surfs right into the waiting, open mouth of a shark ]

[ cut back to the all-new Mr. Bill set, where only Spot and Mr. Hands remain ]

Mr. Hands: Man, that was quite a day, Mr. Bill. Uh.. Mr. Bill? Mr. Bill, where are you?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, really, Spot? Hmm. Oh, say, Spot, uh.. between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be.

[ Mr. Hands cuts the string atop the disco ball, as it falls flat on top of Spot ]

Mr. Hands: Ah, much better. See you net time, bye-bye!

[ close ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Pope at Monsterdome

Security Guard…..Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson…..Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy…..Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini…..Bill Murray
Aldini’s Date…..Jane Curtin
Singing Nun…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Tom Davis
The Pope…..Steve Martin

[ open on NBC animated graphic ]

Announcer: “N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!”

[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope’s visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ]

[ SUPER: “THIS IS NOT A REPEAT” ]

Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you’re not on the list, and you don’t have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade!

[ the crowd boos ]

Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?

Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary – plus one.

Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You’re on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.

[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.

Security Guard: Yes, ma’am.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I’m Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I’m a militant nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you’re not on the list.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I’m not on the list.. you see, I’m concerned.. well.. perhaps “concerned” is too strong a word. I’m hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t’s unfair to suggest that he wouldn’t.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. “demands”.. uh, I mean.. “suggestions”! “Suggestions”! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.

Security Guard: Hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean “vigil”.

Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent “vigil”. [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I’d just be behind there, I mean I wouldn’t make one sound.. you wouldn’t even know I was-

Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I’ll tell you what – the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.

Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?

Security Guard: Sure – behind the barricade.

[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]

Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?

Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.

[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]

Monsignor Aldini: Hi.

Security Guard: Yes? Yes?

Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini – with a guest.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I’m sorry, you’re not on the list, man.

Monsignor Aldini: Look under “Monsignors”.

Security Guard: Nope. Nope.

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!

Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I’m a friend of His Holiness. He told me: “Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem.”

Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!

Aldini’s Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]

Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It’s me! Aldini! Hey, look – if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!

Security Guard: I’m not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date step aside, as one-hit wonder recording artist The Singing Nun steps up ]

The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.

The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit “Dominique” ]

Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?

Second Guard: Don’t mind her – she’s been hanging around for the whole tour.

Security Guard: Yeah..

Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he’ll flip!

Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That’s it.. that’s it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..

[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]

Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun – she’s obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says “Where’s Monsignor Aldini?” Okay?

Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening!

Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he’s staying at?

Security Guard: Yeah, I think he’s staying at the Y!

Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?

Security Guard: Yeah!

Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]

Crowd: Is he coming through!!

[ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]

The Pope: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Rise

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ show exterior visual of the New York Port Authority ]

[ dissolve to interior, Steve Martin cleaning his hands in the sink of an unappealing public bathroom ]

Steve Martin: I hate bathrooms like this – they’re dirty, they’re disgusting, and they’re germ-ridden. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. You know, whether you like it or not, there are times when all of us have no coice but to use facilities that aren’t exactly.. “sanitized for your protection.” How do you protect yourself? These things? [ pulls a seat protection sheet from a dispenser ] Sorry – too thin. Germs can eat their way through this flimsy tissue and attack your leg in no time at all!

[ removes product from his pocket, and holds it up to the camera ]

That’s why I use.. Rise. Just one drop of Rise, and we guarantee that your seat will never make contact with their seat. You see, Rise contains the same active ingredient as Crazy Glue. Only we’ve taken out the adhesive. Therefore, once Rise enters the bloodstream.. [ sprays Rise into his mouth ] it actually repels all surfaces.

[ enters bathroom stall, closes the door and takes his seat ]

[ camera holds on the outside of stall door, as we suddenly notice Steve’s head “rise” slowly past the top of the stall door, a smirk on his face ]

I am now seating about eight inches above the bowl, and I’ll shake the hand of any germ who can make that leap! Just one drop of Rise can keep a guy my size afloat and out of danger for five full days!

[ in adjacent stall, the head of a bearded Buck Henry hidden behind a newspaper suddenly “rises” above the stall door ]

Steve Martin: Hi!

Buck Henry: [ lowers his paper to return the greeting ] Hello!

Steve Martin: The choice is yours. You can sit in it.. or you can “Rise” above it.

Announcer: Rise. Helps keep the “high” in “hygeine”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Great Moments In Rock History

Don Kirschner…..Paul Shaffer
Carole King…..Laraine Newman
Henry……Steve Martin
Mugger…..Garrett Morris

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Don Kirschner in studio ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner… and welcome to “Great Moments in Rock History”! A show that tells the stories behind the hits… the loves, the fears, the anxieties, the depressings, the inspirations… which come together… to make up… the rock and roll industry! Tonight… “Great Moments” looks… at a great lady: Miss Carole King! For most, it is impossible to pinpoint… the greatest moment in an artist’s career… but not for me, Don Kirschner! To ME… Carole King’s GREATEST moment… was when she wrote her GREATEST hit… “You’ve Got A Friend”! So, tonight, “Great Moments”… takes you… to Upper West Side, New York… where Carole King’s GREATEST moment… becomes our GREAT Moment… in Rock History!

[ image pixellates to exterior stoop of Carole King’s apartment ]

[ the door opens, as Carole and a male friend step outside ]

Henry: Please, Carole! I think I should stay the night, I — I gotta TALK to somebody, I feel so — so — confused and depressed!

Carole King: Listen, Henry — you know, I know how you feel, honey, I really do. It’s just that I’m on a roll, I’m 90% finished with this song!

Henry: Carole. I know you’ve always been there for me. Tonight, I don’t know what — I just feel depressed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do! [ he breaks into tears ]

Carole King: [ consoling him ] Hey, listen — I know. I’ve been there before. But, listen, I want you to go home and phone me when you get there. You promise me you’ll do that, because I’m worried about you. Will you do that?

Henry: [ nodding ] Okay.

Carole King: Okay.

[ she kisses him, then promptly shuts the door into his dejected face ]

[ Henry slowly walks down the steps of the stoop, as Carole appears at the piano in the bay window and begins to play and sing ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“When you’re down and troubled
And you need someone to care
And nothing, nothing’s going right…”

[ as Henry reaches the sidewalk, a Mugger rises from behind the stoop and holds a switchblade to Henry’s face ]

Mugger: Okaaayyy, honkie, give me your cash!

Henry: [ smiling ] You can’t get away with this! [ he points toward the window ] I’ve got a friend in there — all I have to do is call! Listen — you can hear her sing!

Mugger: Uh, yeah, yeah — I hear, man.

Henry: See! I’ll just call her!

Mugger: Yeah, I’m shakin’, man.

[ the Mugger stabs Henry in the chest with his switchblade, then grabs his wallet from his back pocket and walks away ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“You just call out my name…”

Henry: [ bleeding profusely ] CAROLE!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And you know whereever I am…”

Henry: PLEASE, CAROLE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“I’ll come running…”

Henry: HURRY, CAROLE!!! RUN!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…to see you again…”

Henry: CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Winter, spring, summer, or fall…”

Henry: NOW, CAROLE!! NOW!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“All you gotta do is call…”

Henry: CAR-OLLLLLE!!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And I’ll be there…”

Henry: I’M ALMOST DEAD, CAROLE!!! HELP ME, CAROLE!!!

[ Carole stands up and walks over to the open window ]

Henry: OH, CAROLE!! THANK YOU!!

[ Carole slams the window shut ]

Henry: CARO-O-O-OLLLLE!!!

Carole King: [ continues singing ]
“Don’t you know, that you’ve got a friend.”

Henry: CAROLE, I NEED YOU!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“People can be so cold.They’ll hurt you…”

Henry: I’VE BEEN HU-U-URT!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…and desert you.”

Henry: I’VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And they’ll take your soul if you let them.”

Henry: I THINK HE PUNCTURED MY KIDNEY IN HERE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Oh, but don’t you let them…”

Henry: I’M DYING NOW, CAROLE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“You just call out my name…”

Henry: CAROLE KI-I-I-INNNGGG!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…and you know wherever I am.”

Henry: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAROLE?!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“I’ll come running…”

Henry: CAROLE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…to see you again.”

Henry: CAROLE..!!”

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Oh… Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall…”

Henry: [ whispery ] Carole…

Carole King: [ singing ]
“All you’ve got to do is call.”

Henry: CAROLLLLE!!!!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.”

[ Henry’s eyes glaze over and he dies ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Ain’t it good to know, you’ve got a friend.”

[ the song complete, Caroel stands and turns out the lights ]

[ screen pixellates back to Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: Carole King’s friend, Henry Adelman, died on arrival… at Lennox Hill Hospital… but he did not die in vain… for his death provided Carole with the inspiration… for another million-selling monster hit… “It’s Too Late, Baby”! See you next week… for another “Great Moment in Rock History.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts