Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Nick “Sands”

Nick…..Bill Murray
John Thompson…..John Belushi
Cliff Morton…..Bill Kreutzmann
…..Paul Shaffer
Earl King…..Garrett Morris
Barfly #1…..Laraine Newman
Barfly #2…..Gilda Radner
“Secretariat”…..Buck Henry
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd

[FADE IN on a bar with a desert mural painted on the far wall. In the foreground, the bartender briefly speaks with a lanky brunette in a white leopard print backless dress. Jazzy piano music is heard as Nick, dressed in a red leisure suit studded with rhinestones, walks in and sets an empty beer mug behind the bar.]

Nick “Sands”:”I been through the desert on a horse with no name,It felt good to get outta the ra-ainnnnnn…

[The audience hoots and applauds as Nick picks up two full beer mugs.]

Nick “Sands”:
“In the DESERT!
You can’t remember your name,
Cause there ain’t no one
For to give you no paaaainnn…”

[He sets the mugs on a crowded table.]

Nick “Sands”:
“La-la-LAAAAAAAAAA, la-la-la-laaaa…
La-la-laaaaaaaaa…
LAAAA-la-aaaaaaaaaaa……”

[applause]

Nick “Sands”: Thank you! Hey, for those of you who just came in, welcome to Nick Sands’ Strip North Oasis, located here on Nevada 287, which feeds into 15A, which winds on down into Las Vegas, and is therefore, technically, The Strip. Hence, The Strip North. Hey, we’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and I see we’ve already got some regulars here! Hey, I know I’ve seen you guys before, let’s treat ’em like a regular thing, huh? Hey, pardner, what’s your handle?

[He sticks the mike in front of a guy in a CAT tractor cap and work clothes.]

John Thompson: Uh, John Thompson in Winnemucca.

Nick “Sands”: [turning to the other worker] And who are you, fella?

John Thompson: Cliff Morton. Bakersfield, California.

Nick “Sands”: All right, and what brings you guys back to The Strip North?

John Thompson: First time we came here, uh, we were thirsty, and I had to make a phone call. This time we had a flat tire out front.

[laughter]

Nick “Sands”: That is too bad. [turns around] Hey, let’s play our game with ’em, Paul.

[Paul launches into a new piano line.]

Nick “Sands”: A round of beers for you guys if you can guess the name of this song.

Nick “Sands”: [singing]
“Ah, who’s the black dick
Who’s the sex machine to all the chicks?”

[laughter]

Nick “Sands”: “SHAFT!”

[He turns and struts up to Paul at the piano.]

Nick “Sands”: “You see, this cat Shaft is a bad mother–“

Paul: “Shut your mouth!”

[laughter]

Nick “Sands”:
“Well, I’m talking about Shaft!
He’s a complicated man,
Nobody understands him
But his old ladyyyyyy…
JOHN Shaft.”

Nick “Sands”: Hey, you think you got a clue? [sticks mike in John’s face]

John Thompson: “Shaft.”

Nick “Sands”: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, he got it! [to bartender] Hey, “Shaft,” get a round of beers for this table over here!

Bartender: Well, I think it was a lucky guess, but I’ll do it if you say so, Nick. [serves up two beers]

Nick “Sands”: Well, I’m sorry we didn’t have a BOARD meeting on it, Earl! Earl King, our bartender. I know you OWN five percent of the Strip North, but I own TWENTY percent, so just do it, will ya? [more quietly] We have four owners, and we all share the work, and right now I’m doing MY twenty percent for YOU people.

[reaches back for beers]

Nick “Sands”: Here you are, a couple of brewskies on Nick Sands.

[sets beers on table]

Nick “Sands”: [to Cliff] Hey….. Who wrote “Your Cheatin’ Heart”?

Cliff Morton: Hank Williams.

Nick “Sands”: Ah, here’s a Slim Jim for ya! [sets a Slim Jim on the table] Ha, ha, ha! Hey, what do you guys do, do ya work around here, is that it?

John Thompson: Uh, well, y’know, uhhhh, we got an auto, uh, an auto car semi, y’know, and, uh, we’re haulin’ gypsum… 3-rock ’bout a hundred and eighty miles from here. You know that big gray cloud, uh, you see as you come in?

Nick “Sands”: Sure.

John Thompson: That’s from the gypsum mine.

[piano cue]

Nick “Sands”: Well, John, Cliff, this is for you and everybody in the increasingly important gypsum industry.

[starts dancing]

Nick “Sands”:
“I’m workin’ in a gypsum mine,
Goin’ down, down, down,
Workin’ in a gypsum mine, OOOOOO! [tosses and catches microphone]
Got to FLIP DOWN!
Workin’ in a gypsum mine,
Goin’ down, down, down… [slinks down toward floor]
Workin’ in a gypsum mine, OOOOOO! [tosses and catches microphone]
I got to flip dooowww-HOOOOOWWWNN!!”

Nick “Sands”: Hey, gypsum: damn fine industry in this state of Nevada. Hey, Paul? Hey, “fifteen percent!” Ha-ha, ha-ha! Paul and I were talking… and y’know, it’s the lack of humidity out here that’s the saving grace. I’m from Illinois–back there, 95 degrees, I wilt. Out here–a hundred and fifteen, and I’m fine. But you know, it gets a hundred twenty-five, a hundred and thirty, and you cannot get me out of this air-conditioned cinder block, ha ha! [turns to side table] What do you think about that, gals? What brings you all to The Strip North?

Barfly #1: [in a drunken voice] Our husbands have gone huntin’, so we girls here are havin’ a little weekend of our own! [clinks glasses with others] YA-HOOOOOO!!!!!

Barfly #2: We’re just gettin’ warmed UP, Golden Throat!

[She stands up, cradles Nick’s neck, and leans drunkenly against him.]

Nick “Sands”: Well, I’m glad you like the material. [slides out of her arms] Well, uh, who is THIS guy, anyway?

Barfly #1: Uh, he works fer me, I call him Secretariat! HAH-HAH-HAH!!! [touches his cheek]

Barfly #2: That’s right, but tonight he’s workin’ fer BOTH of us!!

Nick “Sands”: [chuckling] Well, good luck, little filly, you’re gonna NEED it. They look like they mean business. HA HA HA HA. Ah, ha ha!

Barflies: YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!!!

Nick “Sands”: Here’s to you two kids.

[ENTER a man in a vest and a plaid shirt with a dead snake in his hands.]

Nick “Sands”: UH-OH!! Here is another “SNO” co-owner, Jimmy Joe “Ten Percent” Red Sky! Hey, lookit THIS guy.

[Jimmy Joe teasingly shakes the dead snake in a barfly’s face.]

Nick “Sands”: “J.J. Ten,” of course, is a full-blooded Ojibwa [sic], and… the Indian, if nothing else, was a builder, and I love that, I’ve always loved that. He built this place, he put in the plumbing, he built the parking lot. Hey, what’ve you got here, anyway?

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Nick, this is the vicious desert sidewinder: the most dangerous snake in da whole state o’ Nevada!

Nick “Sands”: Yike, how did you get it?

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: I backed over him with da pickup truck!

[laughter]

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Ya see, he was windin’ to the side when I did it. Y’know, at night, these snakes, dey, dey like to crawl out on the asphalt, y’know, ’cause it’s still warm, den dey relax one eye, so watch it dere when you go in da parkin’ lot, ya never know where dey are. I gotta get myself a drink.

Nick “Sands”: Well, thank you, Jimmy Joe, I think it’s an old Indian story. Hey, how ’bout some firewater for my architect, please? I tell ya, out in the parking lot, kick some stones under your car before you get there, that lets ’em know you’re getting there.

[Earl the bartender clangs a bell behind the bar.]

Nick “Sands”: Uh-oh, that’s the bad news bell here at “SNO.” Yeah. See, we have a limited liquor license here, because we are 200 yards outside of the zoning area, which wouldn’t let us stay open all night. So we gotta close at 11:00 now, but we are working on our 2:00 papers, and then hopefully the 24-hour license–but we gotta throw ya out now.

Nick “Sands”: [singing]”‘Cause when we get behiiiiiii-iind clooooooooosed doooooo-oo-oo-ors…”

Nick “Sands”: [to barflies] C’mon, girls, drink up! Drink up! C’mon! Take a bow!

Nick “Sands”: [singing]”That’s when I let my haaaaaaaaaaair haaaaaaaaaaaang low–“

Nick “Sands”: [to miners] LET’S GO, PEOPLE!!! TIME TO FACE REALITY!!! LET’S GO!!!

[The lanky woman at the bar gives Cliff a smoldering glance while the patrons all scurry out.]

Nick “Sands”: [singing]”And she makes me GLAAAAAAAAAD that IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’M a MAAAAA-AA-AAAAAAAN–“

Nick “Sands”: C’mon, they’re very tough on us, please, move it on!

[Jimmy Joe starts putting up chairs and picking up glasses as the last of the customers exit.]

Nick “Sands”: [singing]
“‘Cause NO ONE KNOOOOOOWS
WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOO-OSED DOOO-OOOOOOOOORS…”

[Nick shuts the door behind them as the audience starts to applaud.]

Nick “Sands”: [singing]
“BEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINND…
CLOOOOOOOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOOOOOSED….
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORS!!!!!”

[FADE to a wide shot of 8H. SUPERIMPOSE, “coming up next… The Joy of Hoarseness.” FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Samurai Optometrist

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

[ open on interior, optometrist store, as Mr. Dantley enters carrying the day’s newspaper under his arm ]

Mr. Dantley: Hello! Can anybody help me?

[ Futaba, standing behind counter, turns around and grabs his sword ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Samurai Optometrist”.

Samurai Futaba: [ steps forward and grunts a greeting ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, fine, thanks! How are you? Listen, thank good ness you’re open. [ he holds up his newspaper ] You know, it’s the FIRST Sunday Times that we’ve had in about THREE months, and I have to break my reading glasses! [ he holds up his broken glasses ] Look — mangled! Look at this paper — all the news that’s fit to print! BY golly, I miss the Times! Do you think you can fix those glasses so I can read it?

Samurai Futaba: [ he grunts as he examines the mangled glasses ]

Mr. Dantley: You don’t? Well, what about new ones? Can I have new ones made up?

Samurai Futaba: [ grunting, he chops along his arm and leg ]

Mr. Dantley: Cost that much, huh? Listen, I don’t care WHAT it costs — if I can walk out of here with a pair of glasses so I can read my paper —

Samurai Futaba: [ directs Mr. Dantley to take a seat, as he seizes a sword, props it upon his shoulder, then flicks a switch and shines a light in Mr. Dantley’s eyes ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah-ha! Okay, well, I’ve got these glasses, but I need the reading ones — I’ve got ALL these great journalists waiting for me to read them! [ Futaba points ] The eye chart? Yeah.

Samurai Futaba: [ grunts, as he covers one eye and indicates for Mr. Dantley to read the letters before him ]

Mr. Dantley: Uh-huh. Which one? [ Futaba covers his left eye ] E, F, P! T, O, Z!

Samurai Futaba: Oh-ooohhh! [ impressed, he indicates for Mr. Dantley to now cover his right eye and read ]

Mr. Dantley: Okay. E, F, P! T, O, L —

Samurai Futaba: Uh-ohhhhhhh!

Mr. Dantley: [ concerned ] What, not so good? [ Futaba grunts ] Really bad? [ Futaba grunts ] Well, how bad is my eyesight?

[ Futbaba pulls out his sword and mimes using it as a walking stick ]

Mr. Dantley: Now, now, now! Cut the clowning, beause I need glasses! If I want to be entertained, I’ll go to see a comedian, not an optician!

Samurai Futaba: [ grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: I said I’ll go to see a comedian, not an optician!

Samurai Futaba: [ offended, he takes out his sword and presses it to his belly for hari kari ]

Mr. Dantley: No, no! Wait a minute! I — I — I’m sorry, I meant an optometrist! I’m sorry.

Samurai Futaba: [ he puts his sword back ] Phew!

Mr. Dantley: Now… you know what I miss more than anything about the Sunday Times?

Samurai Futaba: [ grunts, as he holds up a lens ]

Mr. Dantley: This may seem strange to you — it’s the crossword puzzle. [ Futaba grunts ] Yeah, the crossword puzzle. I mean, every Sunday, usuall, my wife and I lie in bed all Sunday and just do the crossword puzzle. It’s so much fun. But now, we haven’t had the paper for three months, we just had to lie there in bed and, uh —

Samurai Futaba: [ he pulls his sword in and out of its sheath a few times ]

Mr. Dantley: Alright, now those are the right lenses? [ Futaba holds them up ] Okay. Right. Now, are they — are they shatter-proof?

Samurai Futaba: Huh?!

Mr. Dantley: Are the lenses shatter-proof?

Samurai Futaba: [ he begins to grunt “Shattered” by the Rolling Stones, then pounds his fist upon the lenses on the counter; the counter crashes to the floor, but the lenses are in perfect condition ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah, I see. I see. Now, what about the frames? Yeah, I need something… something… some real nice frames.

Samurai Futaba: [ he grabs a pair of frames and plops them over Mr. Dantley’s eyes ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah, those are nice. But, uh, I was thinking of something in a kind of fancy tortoise-shell, that’s what I’d really like.

Samurai Futaba: [ he reaches into an aquarium on the back ounter, and pulls out an actual living tortoise ]

Mr. Dantley: No, no, no! I didn’t want a tortoise. I want tortoise… shell… frames. [ Futaba grunts ] Yes! Exactly!

Samurai Futaba: [ he tosses the tortoise in the air and swings his sword. He picks up the tortoise to reveal a pair of tortoise-frame glasses embedded in the shell. ]

Mr. Dantley: Inredible! Just incredible! [ he puts the glasses on ] You do FABULOUS work! Now, if ONLY these were BIFOCALS!

Samurai Futaba: Ahhh! [ he swings his sword toward Mr. Dantley’s face ] Yee-ahhhh!!

[ the scene freezes, at least in theory ]

[ title card appears ]

Anouncer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Samurai Optometrist”!

[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Grateful Dead Story as told to Art Linkletter” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Uncle Roy

Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Mom…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry
Tracy…..Gilda Radner
Terry…..Laraine Newman

Dad: Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go! You know I hate missing the beginning of movies. You know that, now let’s go.

Mom: Let’s see “Foul Play”. I’m really dying to see that new, young comedian that falls down.

Dad: Yeah, yeah.. sure. I hope your friend Roy gets here soon, because we’re gonna miss the beginning.

Mom: What have you got against Roy Fogul?

Dad: I don’t know.. Any 45-year-old bachelor who has nothing to do but babysit, I just think it’s kind of weird, that’s all.

Mom: Well, anyway, the kids adore him! [ doorbell rings ]Hi, Roy! Come on in.

Uncle Roy: Hi, folks!

Mom: Oh, I really appreciate you coming over at the last minute!

Uncle Roy: Oh.. it’s my pleasure! I love babysitting!

Mom: The kids are ready for bed, but I told them they could stayup another five minutes to say hello to their Uncle Roy.. [ calling up the stairs ] Kids! Guess who’s here!

Dad: [ walking towards the front door ] I’m gonna go warm up the wagon..

[ the kids run downstairs screaming “Uncle Roy! Uncle Roy!” ]

Mom: Tracy, Terry! Five minutes, and then you go to bed!Don’t bother Uncle Roy! Goodbye, kids. Goodbye, Roy.

Uncle Roy: Goodbye! Don’t hurry back, we’ll be jut fine.

[ Mom leaves ]

Tracy: Uncle Roy, what did you bring us?

Uncle Roy: Oh, Uncle Roy’s got a surprise for you.

Terry: What is it? We want it now!

Tracy: Yeah!

Uncle Roy: Well, it’s a buried treasure.

Tracy: Is it buried in the lawn?

Uncle Roy: Nooo.. it’s buried on Uncle Roy.

[ the girls scream and yell, and start to dig around Uncle Roy’s pantspockets looking for the “buried treasure” ]

Tracy: [ pulls a box of Jujubes out of Uncle Roy’s right pocket ] I found it! I found it! It’s Jujubes, and they’re so good!

Terry: Oh, boy! Jujubes! [ the girls share ] Oh! Do a magictrick, Uncle Roy!

Uncle Roy: Oh, a magic trick? Okay. [ pulls a nickel and dime out of his pocket ] Here’s a nickel, and here’s a dime. Now, I’m gonna make the nickel.. [ rubs it on Tracy’s shoulder ] ..disappear! [ Tracy squeal with delight ] Here’s the dime, and I’m going to take it and make it disappear.. [ rubs it on Terry’s leg ] ..rubby-dubby-dubby! [ both girls squeal with delight ]

Terry: [ standing up ] Hey! I’m a magician, too! [ Roy looks on with interest ] I can make my face disappear! [ she pulls her nightgown over her head, exposing her panties to Uncle Roy ]

Tracy: [ stands up and copies Terry ] Uncle Roy! Look at me! I can’t make my face disappear, too!

Uncle Roy: [ pulls a Polaroid out of his jacket and starts to take close-up shots of the girls’ panties ] Oh, that’s good magic! You know.. your trick reminds me that it’s Wash Day today!

Girls: Yay!

Uncle Roy: So, why don’t you girls go upstairs and bring Uncle Roy all your dirty little things? [ excited, the girls run upstairs and start throwing their dirty clothes down the stairs to Uncle Roy ] Oh, yes! Littler things! Dirtier things! [ he catches more of the dirty laundry ] Now, why don’t you polish the banister?

Terry: Okay! [ puts one leg over the banister and slides down backward toward Uncle Roy ] Yay!

Uncle Roy: Atta girl!

Tracy: Uncle Roy! [ holds a pair of panties along the banister and walks it down ] Here’s my friend Katrinka! She’s gonna slide down the banister, too! [ drops the panties and lets them slide into Uncle Roy’s hands ] Yay!

[ the front door opens, and Mom walks in ]

Mom: I forgot my purse! Can you believe it!

Tracy: [ afraid ] Oh, Mommy! Uncle Roy ws just helping us do the laundry!

Terry: Yeah, right! As a surprise for you, Mom!

Mom: Roy, you’re too good!

Uncle Roy: I’m sorry! I’m just trying to help out.

Mom: Well, you don’t have to do that. Girls, you should be in bed by now!

Girls: I know..

Mom: [ laughing ] Silly me. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached to my shoulders!

Uncle Roy: Okay, now.. you’re sure you’ve got everything this time? You’ve got your gloves, your glasses, your keys, your Certs..

Mom: Yeah, I think so. Thanks again, Roy.

Uncle Roy: Sure. Take your time. Enjoy yourself. [ Mom leavesagain ] Okay. Guess what time it is now?

Terry: Ooh! Undress Dolly With a Vacuum Cleaner Time?

Uncle Roy: Oh, no.. That was last week. It’s time to play “Horsie”! [ the girls jump in excitement, then straddle upon the arms of the couch so they can race ]

Tracy: Why don’t you be the horsie, Uncle Roy?!

Uncle Roy: Uncle Roy be the horsie? Possibly.. But you know what? Uncle Roy’s pretty old for that, he’d rather just watch. Okay, the race is gonna begin.. and bang! They’re off! [ the girls simulate racing ] Looks like Misty’s going into an early lead! Blackie’s gaining of her! [ Uncle roy takes out his Polaroid again ] It’s Misty! It’s Blackie! It’s Misty! It’s Blackie! And.. it’s a photo-finish!

Tracy: Who won, Uncle Roy?

Uncle Roy: Who won? Well.. it’s a tie.

Girls: [ sighing ] Aww..

Uncle Roy: [ barking happily ]

Girls: [ excited ] It’s Ruffy! Ruffy!

Terry: [ tossing her slipper ] Here, Ruffy – fetch!

[ Uncle Roy climbs over the couch and scampers across the floor to retrieve the slipper ]

Tracy: Ruffy! Don’t go on the couch! You shouldn’t go on thecouch, Ruffy!

[ of course Uncle Roy climbs on the couch, so the girls start slapping his hind quarters with their slippers ]

Terry: Oh, bad dog!

Tracy: [ grabs Uncle Roy by the shirt collar ] Ruffy has to go in the closet! He is so bad!

Terry: Get in there, Ruffy! [ the girls laugh as they push Uncle Roy into the closet ] Tracy, you having fun?

Tracy: Are you?

Terry: Yeah!

Uncle Roy: [ muffled, inside of closet ] Ruffy’s gonna answer the phone! [ the girls open the closet door to let Uncle Roy out, he picks up the phone with his teeth ] Hello. Oh.. hello, yes, yes, yes! Oh, no, they’re sound asleep! [ mimes for girls to be silent ] What..? You’re coming home? What, just because you missed the first five minutes..? No, no.. of course, ocme home. After all, it’s your house! They’re your kids! See you soon! Bye!

Tracy: Come on, Uncle Roy, let’s play some more!

Terry: Yeah!

Tracy: Uncle Roy, how come.. how come you, you never got married and had babies?

Uncle Roy: [ sitting down on couch ] I don’t know, Tracy.. Sometimes.. sometimes I think the woman I’m gonna marry hasn’t been born yet. Or, maybe just in the last few years. Anyway, your Mommy and Daddy are going to be home soon, so scoot along, the two of you! Get on up to bed!

Tracy: I don’t wanna..

Terry: I’m not sleepy!

Uncle Roy: Don’t worry. Uncle Roy will be back next week, and we can all give Ruffy a nice tick bath! [ the girls get excited, say goodnight, and run upstairs ] Sweet dreams! [ Roy leans back and reflects on the naughty pictures of the girls he took that evening ]

[ zoom out wide, with SUPER: “coming up next… Hairstyles for the Religious” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Elizabeth Taylor…..John Belushi
…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Chafe Boy-R-Dee, the ravioli you sprinkle on itchy Italians. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: U.S. officials feel that Israel and Egypt will break off their treaty negotiations, ruining President Carter’s Camp David peace initiative. Nobel Prize officials say that if the talks break off, Menachim Begin and Anwar Sedat will have to give up their prizes. And who will it go to? We understand either Yankee pitcher Ron Guidry or Boston outfielder Jim Rice.

Rock superstar Elton John was in a London hospital this week, after collapsing in his home. John, an admitted bisexual, had been complaining of an aching prostate gland and menstrual cramps.

The United States Census Bureau announced that the 1980 Census is under way, and it will cost one billion dollars to give us a numerical profile of our population. Currently, an American is born every 10 seconds, and one dies every 16 seconds. So, during the course of this newscast, we would like to welcome 60 new viewers… and to the 40 viewers leaving us: Those are the breaks.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: When Cardinal Karol Wojtyla was chosen Pope a few weeks ago, Vatican insiders immediately began speculating whom he would name to take his place in Warsaw. Today, Pope John Paul II stunned the Catholic world when he named surrealist artist Salvadore Dali to the controversial post. It’s the first time in 150 years the position has been held by a painter, and the first time in 400 years by a surrealist.

The Senatorial race in Virginia was so close, that they are recounting the votes. So far the winner is Republican John Warner, who’s ahead by a very slight margin. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably saying, “Bill, you maniac, what does this have to do with “Celebrity Corner”? Aren’t you getting off the track?” Uh-uh. Because this chief politician John Warner’s wife is none other than perhaps the greatest actress who’s ever lived, and whose face has set the standard for screen beauty for so many years. Of course I’m talking about Elizabeth Taylor.

[ a plump Elizabeth Taylor eating a chicken leg appears on the screen behind Bill ]

Bill Murray: Liz, welcome to “Celebrity Corner”!

Elizabeth Taylor: Thanks, Bill. It’s so nice to be here.

Bill Murray: Liz, how does it feel to be Mrs. Almost-Too-Soon-to-Tell Senator-Elect Warner, anyway?

Elizabeth Taylor: [ chewing as she talks ] Very exciting, Bill. I’m looking forward to being a Washington hostess.

Bill Murray: Liz, tell me this: we heard that you promised that if John won the election, that you would go on a diet from your present weight of 167 pounds, down to your “Butterfield 8” weight of 120. Is that true?

Elizabeth Taylor: That’s right. I’ve started on a strict diet. Nothing but chicken.

Bill Murray: That sounds great, Liz. But to me, I don’t care how much you weigh, just so your cheeks don’t puff up over those beautiful violet eyes that I’ve been in love with since “National Velvet”.

Elizabeth Taylor: [ not paying attention ] Mmm-hmm…

[ suddenly, Taylor starts to choke ]

Bill Murray: Liz, what about your career? I mean, can we look forward to seeing you in a movie soon? How about “Cleopatra II”? It seems like such a natural. I mean, how would John feel about that? Would there be a career conflict, now that you are also the wife of a United States Senator? [ Elizabeth Taylor pounds her chest to free the chicken, then starts spitting it up ] Well, thank you so much, Liz. It has been a real treat for me to have you on “Celebrity Corner”. And I think all your friends in the whole world join me when I say, “Good luck with that diet, I KNOW you’re gonna lose that weight.” She looks great, doesn’t she? I just know she’s gonna be a big hit on Capitol Hill.

[ Bill reaches into his pocket ]

Bill Murray: Jane, you know, uh, a clue to the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa was finally discovered today, and was delivered to the Weekend Update office. The thumb of the ex-Teamsters boss was discovered on Interstate US-80 by a man who thought he was picking up an extremely short hitchhiker.

[ Bill holds up the box with a thumb inside, obviously his own poking through a hle in the back of the box, making no real effort to hide thw illusion ]

The ex-Teamster’s thumb will be kept here at Weekend Update under heavy guard until services next week. [ he puts the box back in his pocket ]

Today, after the Republicans won both the Senate seats and the governorship of the state of Minnesota, that state reported its first earthquake in 20,000 years. The center of the quake was reported to be at the grave of Hubert Humphrey, who seismologists say was spinning at the rate of 7,000 revolutions per minute.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Tragedy struck the world of horseracing this afternoon, when Seattle Slew was accidentally impaled on a hurdle he failed to clear. While the former Triple Crown winner looks as though he’ll fully recover, veterinarians have reduced his stud fees from $12 million to $14.95.

And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman’s hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that “One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.”

Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I’m “Weekend Update”‘s Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight’s “Point/Counterpoint”. Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you’re going to say: “Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70’s re-embargo. He’s a fighter against Communism.” Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student’s genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you’ll be singing a different tune!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah’s a jerk, but he’s all we’ve got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf. Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handles, and we’ll see how you’ll feel then! Of course, you’d probably love it, you ignorant slut!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 18th, 1978

Carrie Fisher

The Blues Brothers

Don Novello

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Alan Zweibel

Brian Doyle-Murray
The Blues Brothers perform “Soul Man”Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.

Transcript

Montage

Carrie Fisher’s MonologueSummary: Dressed as Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher attempts to tell a joke advised by Obi-Wan Kinobi (Dan Aykroyd).

Transcript

Beach Blanket Bimbo From Outer SpaceSummary: Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) wants to fit in with Frankie Avalon (Bill Murray) and Annette Funicello (Gilda Radner) at the beach.

Recurring Characters: Annette Funicello, Vincent Price.

Transcript

The Loud FamilySummary: Family members (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Carrie Fisher) are loud.

Transcript

Mercy KillersTranscript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

The Blues Brothers perform “Got Everything I Need, Almost” & “B Movie Boxcar Blues”Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.

Mr. Bill Goes FishingSummary: Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill catch a whale.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) is uncomfortable while interviewing Linda Blair (Carrie Fisher).

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Linda Blair.

Transcript

Marseilles, 1978Summary: Brandy the Barfly (Carrie Fisher) sells mutual funds to a Marine (Bill Murray).

Transcript

Bad Red Chinese BalletRecurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Ronnie Bateman.

Schiller’s ReelSummary: In Tom Schiller’s “Roman Holiday”, a woman’s holiday moves forward as planned, despite the death of her husband.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6

78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

Beach Blanket Bimbo From Outer Space

Surfer…..Alan Zweibel
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
Buzz…..Al Franken
Skeeter…..Jane Curtin
Moondoggie…..Tom Davis
Annette Funicello…..Gilda Radner
Frankie Avalon…..Bill Murray
Princess Leia…..Carrie Fisher
Vincent Price…..Dan Aykroyd
Eric Von Zipper…..John Belushi
Chubby Checker…..Garrett Morris

[ open to the sounds of a variant of The Chantays’ 1963 beach hit “Pipeline” ]

Surfer: Surf’s up!

Sandy: Geee, the beach is fun this year!

Buzz: Remember how much fun we had last year! But this year is the most fun!

Skeeter: Oh gee, I love being tanned and popular!

Sandy: Boy! We really have a lot of fun, considering it’s the 50’s and we’re past puberty and we don’t even have sex yet!

Buzz: And we don’t drink, we don’t smoke dope.. and it’ll be seven years before we hear about acid!

Moondoggie: I just we weren’t sending so many civilian advisors into Vietname, but..

Skeeter: Oh.. stop thinking, Moondoggie! We’re just here to have mindless fun! [ catches sight of Frankie and Annette approaching on the sand ] Hi, Annette! Hi, Frankie!

Annette: Hiiii. [ giggles ]

Frankie: Annette? Do you love me?

Annette: You know I do, Frankie..

Frankie: Prove it! Let me go all the way tonight, huh?

Annette: No!

Frankie: Well, come on! how about third base?

Annette: No!

Frankie: Oh, come on! Second base!

Annette: No!

Frankie: Well, let me.. let me just touch the sides!

Annette: No! Frankie, no! If I let you, you won’t respect me!

Frankie: Annette.. please!

Annette: Oh! Don’t handle the merchandise!

[ sci-fi sound effects are heard ]

Moondoggie: Wow! What’s that?! Is that a flying saucer?!

[ Princess walks up to the gang ]

Buzz: I don’t know.. but I sure hope she stays all summer!

Sandy: Uh-oh.. competition..

Princess Leia: Hi, everybody! I’m from another galaxy, in another time, in another movie! I’m an exchange student from outer space, and I just dropped onto this swell beach! Gee, I.. I sure hope you guys speak English!

Sandy: Well.. we do.. I’m Sandy, and this is Buzz, and Skeeter, and Moondoggy. We’re the popular crowd! [ laughs ]

Skeeter: A clique of middle-class WASPs and Italian teenagers living off our parents until it’s hip to reject them!

Princess Leia: Hi!

Annette: Hi. I-I’m Annette.. and this is my boyfriend Frankie.. and these are my breasts.

Princess Leia: Hi! Hi!

Frankie: Welcome to Party Beach. Say, what’s your name?

Princess Leia: I-I’m Princess Leia!

Frankie: Wowww.. a real princess from outer space.

Buzz: Princess.. Lay.. ah!

[ everyone laughs ]

Annette: You see. this is the 50’s, and nice girls don’t go all the way.

Frankie: And we’re so horny, we’ll laugh at anything that even sounds dirty!

Buzz: No matter how stu-pid it is! [ laughs ]

Surfer: Surf’s up!

Everyone: Yayyyyy!!

Frankie: Say.. Princess Leia. Did you bring a bathing suit?

Sure! [ removes her clothes to reveal a shuny bikini ] Will this do?

[ all the guys whistled, impressed with Princess Leia’s layout ]

Frankie: Talk about heavenly bodies! Wow! She’s outta sight!

Annette: [ miffed ] You two certainly have a lot in common – space! She coems from it, and.. you’ve got a lot between your ears! Come on, girls!

[ the girls stomp away from the beach scene, leaving Frankie and Princess Leia alone ]

Frankie: You know.. Annette’s right. I.. I am interested in.. outer space.. travel.. Say, tell me, Princess – say, on your planet, a guy’s going out with a girl since the beginning of high school. how long should he have to wait until he.. gets under her bra?

Princess Leia: Uh.. usually, until he can get her alone in his car.

Moondoggy: Well, what if he doesn’t have a car?

Princess Leia: Then he should borrow his dad’s.

Buzz: Well.. how old do you have to be on your planet to.. get a driver’s license?

Princess Leia: 16.

Buzz: Ah, nuts! Then I’d have to wait another three months!

[ Vincent Price enters the beach scene ]

Vincent Price: Having fun, kids?

Frankie: Hey! Aren’t you Vincent Price?!

Vincent Price: Who’s your friend, son?

Frankie: This is Princess Leia!

Vincent Price: Hello, Your Highness.

Frankie: Mr. Price, where are you going with all those little cubes of raw meat.

Vincent Price: This is marinated lamb, and I’m.. taking it up the beach.. for a barbecue at the home of a close, personal friend of mine, whos’ a recording artist.

Princess Leia: I bet you’re making shish-kabob!

Vincent Price: Yes!

Princess Leia: I hope you didn’t forget the garlic!

Vincent Price: Leave garlic out of shish-kabob? Honey, I’d sooner slash my wrists. Someday, I’d.. really like to teach you how to cook.

Frankie: Gee.. thanks, Mr. Price.

Vincent Price: Have fun, kids. [ exits ]

Frankie: He sure is friendly – for an older guy, you know?

Princess Leia: Everybody seems to be friendly here!

Frankie: You’d fit in right here on Earth. Say.. I bet you know how to kiss great.

Princess Leia: “Kiss”? What’s “kiss”?

Frankie: You don’t know what “kiss” means?

Princess Leia: No!

Frankie: Well, just close your eyes.. and open your mouth.

[ Princess Leia closes her eyes and opens her mouth, as Frankie makes his move. Annette re-enters the scene and catches him ]

Annette: What are you trying to do, give her artificial respiration?!

Frankie: Uh.. uh.. she had some spinach caught in her teeth.. and I was just trying to help her pull it out!

Annette: Get your meat hooks off of him, Your Highness! He’s my guy!

Princess Leia: Wait a minute! You got me all wrong! I’m no cheap tramp from tomorrow! I’m no space slut!

[ background music pots up, as Princess Leia breaks into a 50’s teen angst song variant ]

Princess Leia: [ singing ]
I’m a teenager from outer spaceTrying to make it in the human race.Although I come from another worldI’m really a very nice girl!

And even though I’m dropping from the skyI would never steal another girl’s guy!I don’t want all the girls to hate meI just want.. the guys to date me!

I want to wear.. a two-piece bathing suitI want to find.. a boy that’s really cute!Writing love letters in the sand dunesBut it’s hard.. when you’re the new kid on Earth!

Chorus:
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi..!

Annette: Gee! Maybe I was a little rough on you!

Princess Leia: Couldn’t we be friends now?

Annette: Sure!

[ they hug ]

Princess Leia: [ continues to sing ]
There’ll come a day, and I hope it’s soonWhether you come from the skies or moon!

Frankie: It won’t matter if you’re green or blue.

Princess Leia: You’ll find.. the boy that’s right for you!

Everyone: I want to wear.. a two-piece bathing suit

Princess Leia: I want to find.. a boy that’s really cute!

Everyone:
Write love letters in the sand dunes
But it’s really hard when you’re the new kid on Earth!
Wo-oh!
You’re the new kid on Earth!

[ suddenly, cool guy Eric Von Zipper enters the scene ]

Frankie: [ awestruck ] Eric Von Zipper!!

Eric Von Zipper: Hey! I heard there was a new broad on the beach! I dig that crazy chick! She’s got mroe curves than the Ventura Freeway!

[ the gang laughs, as Vincent Price re-enters the scene ]

Vincent Price: Hi, kids. Remember that recording artist friend I was telling you about? Well, here he is.

Annette: [ excited ] Hey look, everybody! It’s Chubby Checker!

Everyone: CHUBBY CHECKER?!! WOWWW!!!

Chubby Checker: Hi, gang! Do you kids like to have fun?!

Everyone: YEAHHHH!!!

Chubby Checker: Great! ‘Cause there’s nothing I like better than entertaining white, middle-class kids on the beach! So come on, everybody! Let’s Twist!

[ singing ]

Come on and twist in a two-piece bathing suit
With a girl who’s really cute!

Frankie: [singing ] Thank you, Chubby.. for New Twist.. on Eaaaaaaarth!

Chorus:
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi..!

[ fade to SUPER: ” Coming up next… We Saved Gidget’s Brain” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Olympia Cafe

Sandy…..Laraine Newman
Patron…..Rosie Shuster
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico…..Bill Murray
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
New Waitress…..Garrett Morris
…..Ron Wood
…..Charlie Watts
Pete…..John Belushi
Patron 2…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Olympia Cafe, George grilling six cheeseburgers at once ]

[ at the register, Sandy takes an order over the phone as a patron pays her tab ]

Sandy: All right. [ to George ] Cheeseburger, cheesburger, cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger, cheesburger, cheeseburger!

Sandy: [ on phone ] No. No fries — chip. [ to Nico ] Chip, chip, chip!

Nico: Chip, chip, chip!

Sandy: [ on phone ] What to drink? No. No Coke — Pepsi. [ to Nico ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Sandy: [ on phone ] Ten minutes. [ she hangs up ]

Gilda: Hey, Sandy… why’s everybody so sad around here today?

Sandy: Ah, it’s Pete.

Gilda: What happened?

Sandy: He’s coming back. Today.

Gilda: Well, I thought he was supposed to be away another week. Something happened?

Sandy: Well, he didn’t inherit too much money.

Gilda: You mean, he went all the way to Greece because somebody died?

Sandy: That’s right. His uncle left him money, and if he wanted to get it he had to go all the way to Greece. He didn’t want to go, but everybody said to him, you know, “Oh, you don’t know, it could be lots of money.” So, he went.

Gilda: Well, how much did he get?

Sandy: $400. Not even enough to pay for the plane ticket.

Gilda: Well, he’ll be excited when he gets back and sees how you fixed up the place!

Sandy: That’s right. You know, uh… [ she points to the far wall ] that mural there, that was Nico’s idea. He painted it himself.

Gilda: Ohhh.

[ zoom in on the mural across the room ]

Sandy: That is Potmos. It is down where Pete had to go to get his money. See? The only way to get there is by donkey. See?

[ Nico steps forward, smiling shyly ]

Gilda: Oh! You did that, Nico?

[ Nico smiles and points shyly ]

Gilda: Oh!

[ a new waitress walks up to the grill ]

New Waitress: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Uh, four chips, four Pepsis.

George: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

George brings a cheeseburger to Ron Wood ]

George: Okay, what to drink?

Ron Wood: I’ll have a Pepsi.

George: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

George: [ to Charlie Watts ] Finished?

Charlie Watts: Yeah.

[ George picks up the half-eaten cheeseburger and shoves it into his mouth ]

[ Nico brings Ron Wood his Pepsi ]

Nico: Pepsi. [ he holds up a pepper grinder ] Pepper?

Ron Wood: [ thinks about it ] Yeah, just a little.

Nico: Say when! [ he begins to grind ]

Ron Wood: That’s fine.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Okay?

Ron Wood: Yeah. That’s okay.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Say when.

Ron Wood: When!

Nico: [ still grinding ] When?

Ron Wood: Right.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Okay.

Ron Wood: Yeah.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Say when.

Ron Wood: WHEN!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] When?

Ron Wood: YES!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] Yes?

Ron Wood: NO!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] No? No.

Ron Wood: No!

Nico: [ he stops grinding ] Okay.

[ the phone rings ]

Sandy: [ answering ] Olympia! [ pause ] Nico!

[ Pete appears in the window as Nico takes the phone ]

Gilda: Hey, everybody! There’s Pete!

[ Nico quickly hangs up the phone and returns to his position behind the counter ]

[ a dejected Pete slowly enters the cafe ]

[ everyone greets Pete ]

Gilda: Hi, Pete! How was Greece? [ Pete doesn’t say a word ] Uh — uh — the place sure looks different, doesn’t it!

Sandy: Look, Pete, uh — red vests! Uh, just like, uh, dinner garden!

Gilda: And, uh — look at — look at this mural over here, uh — Nico did it!

[ Pete doesn’t look impressed, then, finally: ]

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete grabs a boothful of customers and yanks them toward the door ]

Patron 2: But we weren’t finished eating!

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete grabs the new waitress and hurls her toward the door ]

New Waitress: But I work here!

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete tosses Ron Wood and Charlie Watts out the door ]

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete slams the door shut and flips the CLOSED sign around ]

[ Gilda cmes running back in ]

Gilda: Pete! Come back! Somebody’s driving away your car! Maybe we should call the Police or something!

[ Pete looks out into the street, then closes the door dejectedly ]

Gilda: Um — Pete! Pete, don’t worry — you’ll probably get it back.

Pete: My wife.

Gilda: [ confused ] Your wife was in the car? [ he nods ] I thought I saw somebody sitting in the back seat. He probably didn’t see her. He probably just saw the keys and drove off.

[ feeling a migraine coming ] My luggage.

Gilda: Your luggage was in there, too?

[ Pete sighs heavily, then slumps his body at the counter ]

Gilda: Sandy? Do you think it’d be alright if I ordered some food to go? [ Sandy nods ] Uh — two cheeseburgers, two Pepsis.

Sandy: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger! Pepsi, Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

[ Nico just stares down at Pete, who, aggravated by his lack of work eithics, jumps to his feet and slaps Nico with a menu ]

Pete: PEPSI, PEPSI, PEPSI!!!

[ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Dirty Aerial Photographs” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Mick Jagger

[ Music Open: “Miss You”, Rolling Stones ]

Tom Snyder: Good evening, everybody, welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. At the outset of the program tonight, I’d like to clear something up that ticked me off when I heard about it. There’s a, uh.. there’s a newsman who works at KNBC in Los Angeles – his name is Paul Moyer, he’s a local news anchorman. Today, somebody walked up to me and said, “Tom, you know that guy, Paul Moyer – gee, he looks and sounds a lot like you.” Well, this afternoon, somebody else comes up and says, “Tom, is it true Paul Moyer from Auburn News will be replacing you on the “Tomorrow” show?” Well, my gosh, Paul Moyer and I used to work together, and.. I watched the news the other night. This guy does sound and look a little bit like me, but as far as Tom Snyder being replaced on the “Tomorrow” show, well.. [ fuming ] ..that’s just a lot of bunk! There’s no way he’s gonna get Tom Snyder’s show! ‘Cause I know, if they ever threw me out of here, Bobby Brown – and the rest of the guys in the crew – would end up coming with me, we’d do it in my living room, and we’d put the damn thing in syndication! Well, that’s that!

Anyway.. my guest tonight is a man who’s familiar to anybody who owns a hi-fi set. He’s a member of a pop group – The Rolling Stones – and his name is Mr. Mick Jagger!

[ Mick Jagger enters set and sits ]

Tom Snyder: Now, sir.. sir, I guess my first question to you is, sir: Why “Mick Jagger”? Why the name Jagger, what does it mean?

Mick Jagger: Well, it’s my name.. uh.. it was my father’s name.. uh..

Tom Snyder: Alright. Fair enough, I’ll buy that. [ solemn for a second ] Get off my cloud!

Mick Jagger: [ confused ] Get off my cloud?

Tom Snyder: The.. the song! “Get Off My Cloud”. It was one of the best singles you guys ever did, and I’ll tell you why: I was working with in Westinghouse Industries back in the fifties – not in the coaster division, in the broadcasting division. And there was a unit manager, he used to get me so.. teed off! I used to feel like saying to him, “Get the heck off my cloud!” You ever feel like saying, “Heck! I’m Mick Jagger, I’ve got a few hit records, I can afford to take some time off and do whatever the heck I want!” you ever feel that way?

Mick Jagger: Yeah, uh.. I suppose I do. I mean, we did a tour that was really successful.. and I went crazy, I guess a little crazy afterward – I put a barbecue and a swimming pool in the back yard.

Tom Snyder: Well, Mick, I know exactly what you mean. You know, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned barbecue. You start cooking up the steaks, the smell of a char-broiling attracts everybody the next day – I find myself feeding the whole neighborhood.

Mick Jagger: That’s the fun of a barbecue!

Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha! Well, yes, sir! I’ll buy that, sir!

Mick Jagger: Ever since we put the pool in the house, old friends that we haven’t seen for a little while, they just drop in more often. Rod and Babs do it.. Eric.. they love to come over and beat the heat.

Tom Snyder: Well, sir, it’s a hot life you lead. You know, speaking of heat, boy you’re quite the dancer. I saw your show in Tucson, and some of those moves, I wouldn’t think the human body would be capable of moving like that! They were terrific, Mick! Really!

Mick Jagger: Thank you. Which ones.. you know.. which particular ones did you care for?

Tom Snyder: Well, uh.. the little thing with your leg, you know? The little walk.. you know, the little things you do, all those little moves..

Mick Jagger: Well, you know, which one do you want to show me?

Tom Snyder: Show me? What do you mean?

Mick Jagger: Well, let’s get a little bit of room here.. [ stands up, moves coffee table aside ]

Tom Snyder: [ stands ] Alright, now let’s get a wide shot of this – I can boogie just like the next guy! I mean, the ltitle walk.. [demonstrates ] You know, the big thing with your leg.. [ demonstrates further ]

Mick Jagger: Mmm-hmm.. mmm-hmm.. yeah.. yeah.. yeah..

Tom Snyder: Those moves there. Ha ha ha ha!

Mick Jagger: You know, I think you clearly missed your calling in life.

Tom Snyder: What.. what do you mean? You think I should have been a dancer, or something?

Mick Jagger: Oh, not for a living.

Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha! Speaking of relaxation, Mick.. I just do it to fool around, you know? I like to dance. You know, I noticed on the covers of one of your singles, released in 1966, “Have You Seen Your Mother, Babies, Standing In The Shoadw” – could we see that. [ shows cover ] You guys seem to be guys that enojy dressing up as girls now and again!

Mick Jagger: Well, it’s not such a.. really.. big deal, you know.. dressing up as a woman. This was just.. more.. a theatrical device we used.

Tom Snyder: Ha! Well, all I know is, I’ve got a pink woman’s housecoat at home, and a pair of fuzzy pink slppers, and heck! I didn’t buy them because they’re ladies things – I bought them because, dammit, they’re comfortable! I don’t care if they are ladies garments!

Mick Jagger: I know you don’t, Tom – it doesn’t surpise me at all. In fact, I still have a little push-up bra, that we used on the cover. You can have it, if you want.

Tom Snyder: [ excited ] Really! I can have that!

Mick Jagger: Yeah. I don’t need it.. any more.

Tom Snyder: Well, alright, that would be great, Mick! I’ll take ypu up on that! Thank you so much for joining us! You know, I just want to say that, when they told me you were doing the show, I was, frankly, quite apprehensive. You know? I heard you were a little bit of a cut-up, a kind of a hellion – I don’t know what kind of hijinks to expect from guys like you. But, here you are, you’re a well-behaved youg man, and, frankly, sir, I am surprised!

Mick Jagger: Well, Tom, thank you.. that’s nice of you. You know, before I came here, I heard a few things about you.. and.. I heard you were slow, and a bit thick.. a kind of a dim bulb.. But, now that I’ve met you, you know, I know you can’t help it.

Tom Snyder: Well, thank you very much, sir! You’re welcomed back any time! We’ve been talk-

Mick Jagger: Excuse me, Tom. One thing, you know, before we finish up.

Tom Snyder: Yes. Anything at all, sir.

Mick Jagger: Throughout this entire interview, one thing that’s fascinated me..

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir?

Mick Jagger: ..is the extraordinary variety of colors in your hair. There must be at least twelve. I mean, there’s grey, and black, and blue, and green..

Tom Snyder: Green? Ha ha! I didn’t know about the spot of green there, Mick! Join us tomorrow on “Tomorrow”, when we’ll be talking with a group of bee farmers who claim that Elvis Presley’s ghost is responsible for a mysterious series of area cattle mutilations in the Midwest. Good night, everybody!

[ pull out for audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Disco Dentistry” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Network Battle of the T’s and A’s

[ open on animated “NBC See Us” logo ]

Announcer: Next Friday night on NBC, an all-star celebrity sport spectactular: Network Battle of the T’s & A’s.

[ show various gratuitous close-ups of bouncing breasts and covered butts ]

The biggest stars, with the biggest T’s, and the nicest A’s!

Featuring Cheryl Ladd; “Wonder Woman” Lynda Carter; Suzanne Somers; Lola Falana; Valerie Perrine and Adrienne Barbeau.

[ more gratuitous close-ups of bouncing breasts and covered butts ]

All your favorite T’s & A’s, including “Hootchie Cootchie” girl Charo; and special guest star Carol Wayne; plus the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

[ more gratuitous close-ups of bouncing breasts and covered butts ]

Network Battle of the T’s & A’s. Friday at 10:00, 4:30 Central, 2:00 Mountain.

[ fade ]

[ on a later repeat, this filmed bit dissolves to a pan of the studio audience with SUPER: “did you know… Lingusits Rarely Achieve Simultaneous Translation?” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Udpdate” news team. Brought to you by Goatex: the sanitary napkin for your nanny. Here are co-anhorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. And, before we start the news, I want to announce a personnel change here at “Weekend Update”. Dan Aykroyd, who had been by co-anchorperson, has been kicked upstairs to Station Manager. Needless to say, we all wish him luck and sincerely hope he does a better job as Station Manager than he did as newscaster! But I am happy to say that Dan is being replaced a most capable, highly respected broadcast-journalist, who will report the news with credibility and dignity. Please welcome Mr. Bill Murray.

[ the audience applauds ]

Bill Murray: [ hoarsely ] Hello, you maniacs! Well, they’ve got me doing the hard news this year, and I LOVE it! It’s incredible! I’ve been reading up on things that have been going on, and I’ll tell you something: it’s opened up a whole new world to me! It’s fascinating stuff. Take our top story or tonight, for example:

There’s a war going on in Beirut, Lebanon. 700 people have been KILLED this week. Now, as I understand it, Syria is trying to draw Israel into a war so that Israel won’t sign a treaty with Egypt. Now, this is incredible: the Jews — Egyptians! — are trying to be good, but the Syrians won’t LET ’em! I mean, we have NOTHING like this is show business! I mean, yeah — some backstabbers, sure. But, I mean, I get into an argument with somebody — if it gets to where we’re going to throw punches, I turn around and walk away. You know? But these people are using guns, they’re using artillery, they’re dropping bombs — I mean, I get mad at Columbia Pictures, what am I gonna do? Go over there and drop a BOMB on them? You know what my name would be in this town, or any other? M-U-D-H-I-T. And I mean that. Anyway, something has got to be done about this war. I mean, Syria is just way the H out of line on this, I’m telling you. Jane, it’s incredible! Do the hard news, and you’ll learn a lot about people. Wow! Ouch!

[ image: President Jimmy Carter ] Now, here’s a story. I don’t even know why it’s here. Congress sustains a veto on a water project. Who cares?! There are peole being KILLED in Lebanon! [ he slams the report on the desk ]

The A.M.A. — D.E.S. — Cancer of the cervix — [ pauses ] I think there’s certain things that shouldn’t be talked about on TV, and this is one of them!

The selection process for the Pope. [ he pauses ] We did this a MONTH ago! Look, Jane — have you got anything interesting over there, honey?

Jane Curtin: As most of you around the country are aware, we here in New York have been having a newspaper strike for a couple of months, and New Yorkers have had to rely almost solely on rumor for their information. So, for you New Yorkers, “Weekend Update” would like to clear up just a few of those rumors. First of all, Julie Nixon Eisenhower did NOT bear a Mongoloid baby. Convicted Son of Sam slayer, David Berkowitz, is NOT engaged to Phyllis George. John Paul I did NOT die in his sleep last week, but he WAS buried last Thursday.

Bill Murray: Now… here’s an interesting story: this week, the Senate voted 60 to 36 to extend the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment to June 30th, 1982. And that is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: [ fueled ] Bill, the argument that the extension of ERA is unconstitutional is full of the same substance that YOU are full of! Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that Congress cannot extend the ratification period! You pigs simply grab at any excuse to keep women in a subservient role! To be exploited as vapid sex objects like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! ERA needs the time to clear upthose vicious misconceptions and lies spread by its opponents! ERA will NOT mandate military service for women, unisex bathrooms, and the abolition of alimony, Bill! Put THAT in your jockstrap and SNAP IT, Bill!

[ the audience squeals ]

Bill Murray: [ slightly offended ] Well, Jane, you know something, uh… you’ve got a point there! Uhhh — I’ve been flip-flopping on this issue all along, to tell you the truth, and, uh — at first, I was all for it. But then, somebody told me about this bathroom thing, and I… I know from experience that it can take me up to fifteen minutes to urinate if there is a girl in the same room. Uh — so then I heard the women didn’t want it, so I figured if the women didn’t want it, then why FORCE it on them? And, now, you, Jane, uh… you know, a woman, uhhh, coming OUT for it… obviously, you know what you’re talking about. I’ve changed my mind! You’ve changed it all around! Now, what should we do on a thing like this? I mean, do we send telegrams, or… what do we say? I mean, hey! State legislators! GET ON THE BALL!!!

[ Jane is obviously dumbstruck by a Poiint-Counterpoint in which the same point is presented by both parties ]

Bill Murray: Alright, uh — [ the audience applauds ] Yeah! This is great! We’re getting something done here! Alright!

A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! GREAT news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse. [ he holds up the device ] Now, it’s called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here — enough for three inceptions. They’re not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane — a whole year’s supply for ya’!

[ he tosses it to her and laughs ]

Oh, it’s just so TIGHT! And I got you with THAT one, Jane! Great!

[ Jane fakes a smile ]

Jane Curtin: Here’s some good news: The world’s second test-tube baby was born Tuesday in Calcutta. Doctors there predict that now all Indian women, even those sterilized by the previous government, will be able to have more children. And, what’s more, the procedure is so inexpensive that even the poorest Indians can afford it. As for the seven-pound, six-ounce girl, mother and daughter are both starving comfortably.

In the last few years, discos have become a big part of the entertainment scene. Now here to file her report on one of New York’s more popular discotheques, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thank you! A Mr. Richard Fader from Frot Lee, New Jersey writes: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, tell me about Studio 54. Why is it so hard to get in? Can I get in? Do I gotta get a ticket to get in? Do I gotta know someone to get in? Do I gotta be famous to get in? What’s it like when I do get in, and if I do get in, is it real hard to get out?” Mr. Fader, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone from New Jersey! But you wrote to the right lady! ‘Cause last night, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, went to Studio 54! ‘Cause I love to dance! I don’t want to brag, but I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, can really shake, shake, shake, shake my booty! And, besides, I wanted to see how the “beautiful” people get crazy.

So I go in, and who do I see first but that fancy designer Mr. Halston. And he looked so depressed, I thought he was gonna DIE!! And then I noticed that he wasn’t wearing sensible shoes. He was dancing in these tight, black, sleazy, ankle-high boots — the kind you imagine that Frankie Valli wears? Well, anyway — Halston shows me how the inside of his shoe scraped against the heel of his foot, and he got a big blister! And the blister BROKE, so he put a Band-aid on it. Well, then the shoe started rubbing against the Band-aid, and then the Band-aid gets all curled up and gets this liquid stuff on it — you don’t know WHAT it is! I man, that guy may be one of the beautiful people, but his foot made me SICK!

[ Roseanne Roseannadanna stops to put Mr. Richard Fader’s letter back in its envelope ]

Jane Curtin: Is — is that all? Is that all you have to say about the place? Isn’t there anything else?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?

Jane Curtin: I mean… do they serve food? Is there a band? What’s the sound system like? Are there black lights? Is there a bar? Is it in a good neighborhood? Do you gotta know somebody to get in? Is it al lit’s cracked up to be? You know?

[ Jane frantically waves her arms around, only to be mimicked by a singing Roseanne Roseannadanna ]

Jane Curtin: Roseanne! Roseanne! Roseanne! Studio 54 is supposed to be very chic and glamorous, and everybody wants to know about it. What’s it like in there?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane — just between you and me… it’s crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys… girls dancing with girls… guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys… girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves… guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs. It’s just like my father always used to say to me before I went to bed. [ she turns her gaze to Jane’s ear ] He said: “Roseanne Roseannadanna, Studio 54 is just like Jane’s ear. From the outside, it’s very pretty and could be very glamorous with jewelry and diamonds and glitter, very attractive and very nice and everything… but on the inside, it’s real dark and it’s got some weird stuff in there, I don’t know WHAT it is! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!”

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts