Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Janis Ian performs “At Seventeen”

from the album: Between the Lines (1975)

…..George Carlin
…..Janis Ian

George Carlin: We would like to introduce to you – Janis Ian.

[ Carlin disappears from the stage as Janis Ian, standing onstage within arm’s reach of the audience, begins to play ]

Janis Ian:
“I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen, I learned the truth.

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, “Come dance with me.”
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn’t all it seems, at seventeen.

A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, “Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.”

And the rich-relationed home town queen
Marries into what she need
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise, when payment due
Exceeds accounts received, at seventeen.

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.

We all play the game, and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting others lives unknown
That call and say, “Come on, dance with me.”
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Billy Preston performs “Fancy Lady”

from the album: It’s My Pleasure (1975)

…..Billy Preston

Announcer: Once again, here’s Billy Preston, with his new hit, “Fancy Lady.”

Billy Preston: [ singing ]
“Fancy lady is masquerading
With a heart that nobody can see
Time is wasting there
There’s no escaping it
How long will your sweet pleasure be?

Fancy lady, you are just a stranger
To all the lovers you don’t get to know
You try hiding all the broken traces
For the one love you had to let go.

I got love, you can sample my wares
I got love, try if you dare
I got love, sample your wares, babe
You got plenty love inside.

Fancy lady, where are the children, girl
Who were born to you, so sweet and true
Will you give them all your sad parading
Have them doing the same things you do?

The great creator, he’s a liberator, yes He is
He always lends a helping hand
Fancy lady, time is no waiter
It will run out on you
Before you can say.

[ break ]

Fancy lady, you’re just a stranger, girl
To all the lovers you don’t get to know
You try hiding all of your broken traces
For that one love you had to let go.

Fancy lady, you’re the great creator, girl
The Lord is always lending a helping hand
Fancy lady, time is no waiter
It will run out on you
Before you can say.

I got love, baby, sample my wares
I got love, girl, try if you dare
I got love, sample your wares
‘Cause you got plenty
Of good love for sale
Now, baby, give it to me, give it to me.
Give it to me, baby!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Janis Ian performs “In The Winter”

from the album: Between the Lines (1975)

…..George Carlin
…..Janis Ian

Janis Ian:
“The days are okay,
I watch the TV in the afternoon.

If I get lonely,
The sound of other voices,
Other rooms, are near to me,
I’m not afraid.

The operator,
She tells the time,
It’s good for a laugh.

There’s always radio,
And for a dime, I can talk to God,
Dial-a-Prayer,
Are you there?
Do you care?
Are you there?

And in the winter,
Extra blankets for the cold,
Fix the heater, getting old.
I am wiser now, you know,
And still as big a fool
Concerning you.

I met your friend.
She’s very nice,
What can I say?

It was an accident,
I never dreamed we’d meet again this way,
You’re looking well.
I’m not afraid.

You have a lovely home,
Just like a picture.
No, I live alone.

I found it easier,
You must remember how I never like
The party life,
Up all night,
Lovely wife,
You have a lovely wife.

And in the winter,
Extra blankets for the cold,
Fix the heater, getting old.
You are with her now, I know,
I’ll live alone forever,
Not together now.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

New Dad

Written by: Rosie Shuster

Old Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Mom…..Jackie Carlin
New Dad…..Chevy Chase

[ open on close-up of wedding photo of Mom and Old Dad. Pull back to reveal Mom and Son in living room set, as Old Dad, carrying briefcase, comes bursting through the door. ]

Old Dad: Honey, I’m home!

Son: [ runs to greet Old Dad ] Daddy! Daddy!

[ Old Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch ]

Announcer: You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family.. everything you need for the future.. or is it?

[ big black “X” appears over Old Dad, as he vanishes from the scene ]

What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?

[ Son waits pathetically for Dad, Mom staring distractedly off into space ]

Sure, you’ve provided for them financially – but what about their emotional and physical needs?

[ New Dad, also carrying briefcase, bursts through the front door ]

New Dad: Honey, I’m home!

Son: [ runs to greet New Dad ] Daddy! Dady!

[ New Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch, Mom looking pleased ]

Announcer: Yes – it’s “New Dad!” – a radically new concept in family insurance coverage. Within seconds after “Old Dad” is out, we’ll have “New Dad” in there to take his place. Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way?

[ New Dad pats his knee sexily, as Mom comes to sit on his lap ]

Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and aks him about our “New Dad” policy..

[ close-up of original wedding photo of mom and Old Dad, who was “X” over his face ]

..before it’s too late. That’s “New Dad” – the only insurance that covers all of their needs.

[ New Dad’s hand enters frame and slaps sticker of his own face over Old Dad’s face in the photo ]

“New Dad” – Tops In Pops.

[ SUPER: “New Dad – Tops In Pops” ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Next Week

…..Paul Simon

[ open on Paul Simon sitting on a stool with his guitar on his lap ]

Paul Simon: I’m Paul Simon, and I’ll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week. I’ll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, and my ex-partner, Art Garfunkel, for a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion. I hope you’ll watch.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Victims of Shark Bite

Phyllis Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Martin Gresner…..John Belushi

[ open on title graphic ]

[ Music Over: “Mack the Knife”, Bobby Darin ]

[ dissolve to talk show set ]

Phyllis Crawford: Hi, I’m Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to “Victims of Shark Bite.” My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.

[ reveal Mr. Gresner, sitting in a chair with one leg under the other and one sleeve dangling without an accompanying arm ]

Phyllis Crawford: Mr. Gresner.. would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of shark bite?

Martin Gresner: I’d be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island. It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn’t know what it was at first, uh.. my left arm felt.. numb. Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I’ve had to learn to do everything with my right hand.

Phyllis Crawford: Just when did this incident take place?

Martin Gresner: [ tilts his head back to think ] Oh, I’d say maybe.. [ his left hand pokes out from under his dangling sleeve as he counts on his fingers ] ..three, four months ago. [ returns his left hand under his sleeve ] I’ve had, uh.. I’ve learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand —

Phyllis Crawford: Excuse me, Mr. Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.

Martin Gresner: Nope! It’s gone, see? [ uses his right hand to toss his dangling sleeve over his shoulder ] Shark bit it off! Nothing there!

Phyllis Crawford: No, Mr. Gresner, that’s your sleeve. [ raises his empty sleeve, then flips the side of his jacket to reveal his hidden left arm ] You do have a left arm, and it looks perfectly normal to me.

Martin Gresner: [ lifts his left arm and examines it ] It does?

Phyllis Crawford: Yes.

Martin Gresner: [ taps his left fingers nervously as he looks down at his right leg tucked under his left leg ] Oh, it was my leg! It was my leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I’m an invalid, I have a wheelchair —

Phyllis Crawford: Uh, Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it’s tucked under your other leg. [ grabs his right foot and thrusts his leg out ] You see? You’re fine! There’s nothing wrong with you.

Martin Gresner: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off —

Phyllis Crawford: [ slightly annoyed tone ] We’ll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.

Martin Gresner: [ points to his chin ] I’ve got a scar here, where my sister pushed me off a porch, and —

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Triopenin

Written by: Tom Schiller

Announcer …
Hands … Chevy Chase

[Close-up of spotlit hands on a black background.]

Announcer V/O: Arthritis in the adult is painful,lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.

[The sore, aching hands massage one another’s joints.]

Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled withneuralgia and severe muscular tension. Abrupt weatherchanges can add discomfort.

[Flashing red lights indicate soreness and pain in thehands.]

Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling forspecial relief.

[A medicine bottle magically appears between thehands.]

Triopenin, [pronounced: TRY OPENIN’] a compound ofpowerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines,speeds soothing relief where needed.

[The hands try unsuccessfully to unscrew the bottle’stop.]

Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids insoothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.

[The hands pound on the bottle top and then try to pryit off, to no avail.]

Soon, you’re handling life again, feeling better, andgetting a firm grasp on the situation.

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads TRIOPENIN with aphoto of two bottles — one of them shattered, thepink pills spilled across a blue background.]

Triopenin — get your hands working again. Now withthe new childproof safety cap.

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Triple-Trac

Announcer…..Andrew Duncan
Caveman…..Al Franken

[ FADE IN on a caveman on his knees by a river ]

Announcer (V/O): In the dawn of civilization, long before the Bronze Age, man first began his search for the close shave.

[ The caveman takes a club and hits himself in the face. DISSOLVE to the announcer speaking to the camera against a black background ]

Announcer: Since then, man has been ardently striding to design the perfect shaving instrument.

[ Shots of various razors are shown ]

Announcer (V/O): From the straight razor, to the safety razor, to the injector system, amd finally the highly acclaimed twinblade cartridge.

[ The announcer picks up a twinblade and shows it to the camera ]

Announcer: Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom. Introducing the Triple-Trac.

[ DISSOLVE to a close-up of the three-bladed Triple-Trac razor ]

Announcer (V/O): Not just two blades in one system, but three stainless, platinum teflex-coated blades melded together to form one incredible shaving cartridge, easily fitted into your old twinblade holder. Triple-Trac’s triple-threat cartridge, with more close shaves than ever before. Here’s how it works.

[ DISSOLVE to a cartoon showing a how the Triple-Trac shaves a whisker ]

Announcer (V/O): The first blade grabs at the whisker, tugging it away from your face to protect it from the second blade.

[ The cartoon shows how the Triple-Trac yanks painfully at the whisker ]

Announcer (V/O): Blade number two catches and digs into the stubble before it has the chance to snap back and injure you, pulling it farther out so that it is now ready for shearing.

[ The cartoon shows an even more painful whisker-yanking ]

Announcer (V/O): Triple-Trac’s third blade, a finely-honed bonded platinum instrument, cuts cleanly through the whisker at its base, leaving your face as smoothas a billiard ball.

[ Finally, the cartoon shows the Triple-Trac completely shaving the whisker ]

[ DISSOLVE back to the announcer against the black background, holding up a Triple-Trac ]

Announcer: The Triple-Trac. Because you’ll believe anything.

[ FADE ]

Submmitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Trojan Horse Home Security

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Mr. Kromer…..John Belushi
Mrs. Kromer…..Gilda Radner
Kenny Vorstrather…..Dan Aykroyd
Harvey Morgomaster…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]

Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! “Boeing Boeing” with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.

Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I’m tired. I think I’m just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?

Mr. Kromer: Alright.

[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]

Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What’s going on?!

[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time – in fact, it just has!

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!

Kenny Vorstrather: No, don’t call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I’m President of Trojan Horse Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I’m fully qualified to make you feel secure – I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house – if.. you think.. you can..

Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]

Kenny Vorstrather: You’re a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer —

[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don’t worry, folks, you won’t hurt you! This is my assistant, he’s Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.

Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?

Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It’s a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.

Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?

Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That’s a very good question. I’m going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?

Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.

Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I’m going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don’t care. Ripe, unripe..

Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]

Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn’t it? I’m going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?

Mr. Vorstrather: Well.. no.. of course not.

Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?

Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..

Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?

Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?

Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!

Mr. Kromer: We were?

Kenny Vorstrather: I don’t think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where’s your son, uh..

Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.

Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?

Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he’s outside playing in the yard.

Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?

Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We’ll take it! We’ll take it!

Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I’m glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we’ll have the contract drawn up..

[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 27th, 2014

Chris Pratt

Arianna Grande

None

Anna Faris

The Weekend

None
State of the UnionSummary: Candy Crowley (Aidy Bryant) discusses the NFL’s recent troubles with Ray Lewis (Kenan Thompson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Candy Crowley, Shannon Sharpe.

Transcript

Montage

Chris Pratt’s MonologueSummary: Chris Pratt sings a song about how great it is to host “Saturday Night Live”.

Cialis TurntSummary: Man (Taran Killam) uses extra-strength erection pill to ensure he has a stylin’ boner.

ToysSummary: On his birthday, a lonely boy’s (Kyle Money) wish for his He-Man (Chris Pratt) and Lion-O (Taran Killam) toys to come alive backfires when they’d rather fondle one another and hit on his mom (Aidy Bryant).

Animal HospitalSummary: Nurses (Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Chris Pratt) at veterinarian’s office alert customers that their pets have died.

MarvelSummary: New line of Marvel films are made with no original thought and guaranteed to attract audiences everywhere.

Ariana Grande performs “Break Free”

Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael CheSummary: Girl (Cecily Strong). Leslie Jones comments on being a single black woman in today’s world. Pete Davidson comments on the business sensibility in going down on a guy. Colin Jost and Michael Che advise President Barack Obama to cheer up by delivering sensible advice.

Recurring Characters: Girl.

Booty RapSummary: At a bar, (Aidy Bryant) hits on (Chris Pratt) by rapping about her big fat ass.

Bad BoysSummary: In a spoof of 90’s sitcoms, (Chris Pratt) falls in with a group of young bad boys, nearly alienating himself from his roommates (Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney).

NFL On CBSSummary: Members of the Baltimore Ravens and the Carolina Panthers introduce themselves and list their recent crimes.

Transcript

Ariana Grande and The Weekend perform “Love Me Harder”

Puzzle World 6Summary: Man (Chris Pratt) and woman (Vanessa Bayer) from Puzzle World make out every time their test users complete a puzzle piece.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts