For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande
Goodnights
…..Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt: Thank you!… to Ariana Grande. The Weekend. My lovely, darling wife Anna. The cast, the crew, my friends, my family watching. To everybody. Thank you! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande
NFL on CBS
Jim Nantz…..Beck Bennett
Phil Simms…..Taran Killam
Derrick Watkins…..Kenan Thompson
Kyle Jeffries…..Bobby Moynihan
Terry Pope…..Jay Pharoah
Victor Naples…..Chris Pratt
Calvin Williams…..Kyle Mooney
Marvin Ingram…..Michael Che
Willie Sampson…..Pete Davidson
Jeffrie Wilkins…..Chris Pratt
Terrence White…..Kenan Thompson
Lavar Washington…..Jay Pharoah
Tim Stevens…..Colin Jost
Jacob Reynolds…..Jay Pharoah
Donald Washburn…..Chris Pratt
Wendell Jones…..Pete Davidson
Devin Peters…..Kenan Thompson
Bart Doleman…..Chris Pratt
Barry Jenkins…..Kyle Mooney
Greg Watkins…..Kyle Mooney
Abaskuul Solemon…..Jay Pharoah
Kendrick Douglas…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas…..Leslie Jones
Melvin McDonald…..Chris Pratt
[ open on “NFL on CBS” graphics ]
[ dissolve to booth ]
Jim Nantz: Hello, and welcome to “The NFL on CBS”! I’m Jim Nantz, and with me in the booth is Phil Simms!
Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim!
Jim Nantz: Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous SCRUTINY right now, with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.
Phil Simms: Well, they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.
Jim Nantz: Accountability! That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.
[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]
Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. ASSAULT!
Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Manslaughter!
Terry Pope: Terry Pope. I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue!
Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch o’ stuff!
Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Loitering with an attempt to murder!
Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of assault at THE Ohio State University!
Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason!
Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution!
Terrence White: Terrence White! I OD’d on penis pills!
Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman — That’s FEDERAL, baby!
Tim Stevens: And I’m the punter. Tax fraud!
[ return to the booth ]
Jim Nantz: Wow… Certainly a different line than we’re used to seeing.
Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams do look significantly different than they did last week.
Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.
Phil Simms: I noticed that as well!
Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they’ve received for their offenses?
Phil Simms: Uh, no… we’re not gonna… [ he shushes Jim ]
Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense!
[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]
Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club!
Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American Taliban!
Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine!
Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford!
Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nuthin’ yet… but I’m gonna!
Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship!
Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was on that cruise, too — it was pretty fun!
Abaskuul Solemon: Abaskuul Solemon. Somali pirate!
Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife! I hit his ass BACK!!
Melvin McDonald: And I’m Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers!
[ return to the booth ]
Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see, it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.
Phil Simms: So let’s get you straight to the field for kickoff, and we’ll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.
Jim Nantz: This is the “NFL on CBS”!
[ dissolve to graphics ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande
State of the Union
Candy Crowley…..Aidy Bryant
Roger Goodell…..Chris Pratt
Ray Lewis…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah
Candy Crowley: Welcome to State of the Union, I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight, the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrien Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for Candy Time. I read Nora Roberts novels while a crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.
Roger Goodell: This has been a tough couple of weeks. But in time of troubles you learn who your friends are, so I wanna thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skins owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick, and Saints coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.
Candy Crowley: Joining me now are NFL veterans former Raven lineback, Ray Lewis.
Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.
Candy Crowley: And Hall of Fame, Shannon Sharpe.
Shannon Sharpe: Well… thank you, Candy. It is absolutely a pleasure to be here. It really is.
Candy Crowley: Alright. First let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?
Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, children need an education. One way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed send them off.
Candy Crowley: Ok, yes, but I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corpral punishment on a child?
Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s what we’re paying attention to.
Candy Crowley: Yes, but, what I’m asking is, what about you? Have you ever, say, had a legal problem that might have disrupted your time?
Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me perfectly clear. School buses are yellow, or sometimes orange, depending. Bus pulls up, child gets on. Child goes off to school.
Candy Crowley: Ok, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles yourself with a spouce or child?
Shannon Sharpe: Candy, look, look… I have never had any legal trouble on my own, dating all the way back to 2010 when I did have some legal problem, so yes, yes.
Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, Why is this such an ongoing problem?
Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, well… I believe… Candy, players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive, ok? When you get off that field you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and Budlight Lime. Ok? The NFL needs to calm these players down, you know, maybe have some herbal tea or a soothing light show. The posibilities go to infinity, Candy.
Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodell, who I think announce more steps that the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.
Roger Goodell: We want to be part of the solution, so the NFL is organising its own ”Take Back The Night” march on October 8th. What this says is ”We Fight Women”. Oh, excuse me, “We Fight 4 Women”. We Fight Four Different Women? I… No? Yeah, of course not… I’m so sorry…
Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodell is saying he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in 2000. Is this a systemic problem?
Ray Lewis: Schoolbus pulls up. The child goes inside.
Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy, may I say something?
Candy Crowley: Yes, I’m sorry, Mr. Sharpe, Did your bowtie just get bigger?
Shannon Sharpe: Ok, Candy… this is a society-wide issue, ok? NFL can possibly solve it, so I’m looking forward to all being solved by the NFL very soon, yes I am.
Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s take a break to sort this out but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 2
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 4th, 2014
Sarah Silverman
Maroon 5
None
None
None 60 Minutes
Summary: Steve Kroft (Beck Bennett) grills President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) about White House Secret Service gaffes.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Montage
Sarah Silverman’s Monologue
Summary: Sarah Silverman seeks praise from a female audience member before taking questions from her younger self in the audience.
Transcript
The Fault in Our Stars 2
Summary: Cancer teen Theodore (Taran Killam) is repulsed to discover he’s entered a relationship with Ebola teen Olive (Sarah Silverman).
Joan Rivers
Summary: Joan Rivers (Sarah Silverman) arrives in Heaven and begins to roast other celebrities.
Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Benjamin Franklin, Steve Jobs.
Transcript
Whites
Summary: White dominance won’t last much longer, so let’s all enjoy it while we still can!
Forgotten TV Gems
Summary: A look back at an unsuccessful daytime soap opera that portrayed women as friendly toward one another instead of catty and bitchy.
Maroon 5 performs “Animals”
Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael Che
Summary: Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson). Colin Jost checks with Michael Che to see which black words he can get away with using as a white man. Garage (Kate McKinnon) & Her (Sarah Silverman).
Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.
Riverboat
Summary: A trio of Tina Turner impersonators (Sasheer Zamata, Cecily Strong, Sarah Silverman) lament their lives as they perform “Proud Mary”.
Car Ride
Summary: Girl’s (Sarah Silverman) confession of overseas infidelity leads to unanounced family turmoil during the ride home from the airport.
Poem
Summary: After (Kyle Mooney) discovers he shares a common interest with Ashley (Sarah Silverman), he’s beat up by her jealous boyfriend (Beck Bennett).
Maroon 5 performs “Maps”
Vitamix
Summary: In an infomercial, (Vanessa Bayer) touts the overpriced blender that her friend (Sarah Silverman) can’t afford.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 2
14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5
Goodnights
…..Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman: Thank you SO much! Thank you to Maroon 5! Thank you to the cast, to Lorne Michaels… to everybody in the world! And, uh… [ she shrugs ] And that’s it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 2
14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5
Sarah Silverman’s Monologue
…..Sarah Silverman
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sarah Silverman!
Sarah Silverman: Thank you so much! Wow… it is SO crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Um… [ she pauses ] I meean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says that it’s so crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m a pretty big comedian… It kinda makes ALL the sense in the world!
Uh… tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, and, uh… [ a lone audience member claps ] Thank you…? [ she winces ] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there: I promise you, God will mind if you wear a nice cotten blend in the summer. You are being ridiculous!
Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, um… I guess I’m know as a “blue” comedian, which is… I find that annoying, it kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as a… as an IMPORTANT comedian. Anyway, because of this, uh, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after Dress Rehearsal. Like here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Wally?
[ cut to Wally holding up a cue card with everything blacked out except for “Black Guy” and “God’s Mouth” ]
Yeah! Guys, it was such a cute joke! It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing REALLY hard at it during Dress, like almost too hard at it.
Screw it. Can I just, um… [ she looks around ] Is there like a handheld mike, or a…? [ a microphone is handed to her ] Oh! Thank you. Let’s get real! Come on! This is live television! Let’s go among the people! [ she approaches a young woman ] How are you? Can I sit in your lap? [ she sits in the woman’s lap ] Ohhhh… this feels nice! What is your name?
Lindsey: It’s Lindsey.
Sarah Silverman: It’s Lindsey?
Lindsey: Mmm-hmm.
Sarah Silverman: Oh, um, I’m Sarah.
Lindsey: Hi!
Sarah Silverman: You know that. Uh, Lindsey, I want to tell you something that’s really important: You’re beautiful… and you… deserve love… and… I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any schmo on the street. Um… and I love you.
Lindsey: [ she chokes ] Thank you…!
Sarah Silverman: Your turn.
Lindsey: [ laughing ] You’re amazing?
Sarah Silverman: Aww.
Lindsey: And you’re beautiful.
Sarah Silverman: Awwwww!
Lindsey: And you’re smart! [ she laughs ]
Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.
Lindsey: [ laughing ] You’re my favorite.
Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! [ she pushes the microphone closer to Lindsey’s face ] You know what it is, Lindsey, it’s like… I get sad sometimes. Like, I feel like… it’s over… In terms of like I’m never gonna be carried again. You know what I mean? Like, we’re grown-ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parents’ party and overhear adults going like: [ whispering ] “I got her.” “No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. Amd it makes me sad. It’s like, I want to be carried. I want to be… bathed and cared for. I want to get my hair shampooed, you know, like a… like a little child or a princess, or… a quadraplegic, I guess. Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. [ glancing down ] Am I sitting on your phone?
Lindsey: No. No, you’re good!
Sarah Silverman: [ grimaces ] Oh… I want to think of an app! Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million-dollar app? Let’s think of that million-dollar app! God… I was thinking, like an hour ago, wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you when all of your friends were taking a doody? I was pretty excited. I would pay ninety-nine cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. It’s like… I think it’s called “Words With Friends”? How old are you?
Lindsey: 32.
Sarah Silverman: You are? Ohh, you’re 32! You’re only little, you don’t know nothin’. Here’s some advice: If you’re ever drunk at a party, and you throw up at a party… I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like… a “Ta-daaa!” Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [ she hands the microphone to Lindesey ] You can have that. You can have that!
[ Sarah returns to the stage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]
Sarah Silverman: Ohhh, God… this feels so right! I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean, this is the first time I’ve hosted, but I have been on this stage before. I, um… I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90’s, and… I wasn’t in much, but a lot of times I’d mostly be, like, a “plant” in the audience, you know, asking fake questions to the host during the monologue, and, uh… [ she looks into the audience ] Yes, you — you have a question?
[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Rosie O’Donnell’s monologue ]
Young Sarah Silverman: I think you’re great! I love you!
Sarah Silverman: [ touched ] Awwwww! I love you MORE! Alright, you have a question for me, sweetie?
Young Sarah Silverman: Are you going to be doing any solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?
Sarah Silverman: GREAT question! You know, um… I left Wilson Phillips because I felt it really wasn’t my thing any more, and, uh, I’m not sure about a solo album, though the album of my stand-up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [ the audience applauds, as she looks into the audience again ] Oh — yes?
[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Jeff Golblum’s monologue ]
Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh — What did you feed the dinosaurs?
Sarah Silverman: Uh… [ she laughs ] What is this, Pretty Girl in the Audience Night? It’s crazy! Um… of course, the stegosauruses are the worst, they only eat plants. But the T-Rexes are carnivores — they’d be more inclined to eat you, ’cause you’re delicious! Let’s take a… [ she points into the audience ] Yes, you, Sparkleface over here.
[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Nancy Kerrigan’s monologue ]
Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh… what makes the human knee bend?
Sarah Silverman: Okay. Um… Well, the knee is technically a joint, where the tibia and femur meet. Right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisky. I hope that helps, and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next twenty years. I have a feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say: “We have got a GREAT show for you tonight! ALL of Maroon 5 is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 2
14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5
Joan Rivers
Eartha Kitt…..Sasheer Zamata
Joan Rivers…..Sarah Silverman
Richard Pryor…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on a heavenly panel ]
Eartha Kitt: Ahhhhh, Hello, everyone! I’m Eartha Kitt! [ she meows like Catwoman ] We’ve just received word that one of the GREATS has joined us here on the celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of Heaven, please welcome… Miss Joan Rivers!
[ the other celebrities applaud as a fanfare welcomes Joan Rivers to the podium ]
Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Heaven, are you serious?! Me in Heaven?! I guess I should be here, Im practically a virgin! The last time someone was inside me, it was Melissa! Oh, Missy! You know what I’m talking about! My old friend Richard Pryor’s here, I can’t believe it!
Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don’t hold back for NOTHIN’! You know what I’m sayin’?
Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants!
Richard Pryor: Hey, man…
Joan Rivers: I dont want to say Richard fooled around, but the longest relationship he ever had was with multiple sclerosis!
Richard Pryor: Aw, damn! All y’all gonna laugh at that, huh? Well, y’all can KISS MY ASS!!
Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here tonight! Even Steve Jobs, RIGHT HERE! [ Steve smiles and waves ] Incredible! Steve, I hope you’re forced to buy a newer, better casket every six months so you can see how WE feel! Am I right?! OH! Oh, please! So many beautiful people are here! Look! Ava Gardner! Can you believe it?! Ava, you look so young! Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh yeah, that’s right — EVERYONE![ Benjamin Franklin is cracking ]
Joan Rivers: Look at that! I’m KILLING with Ben Franklin!
Benjamin Franklin: [ gasping ] Oh, too much…!
Joan Rivers: Hey, Ben — Ben, where’d you get that outfit? Forever 1721? [ he cracks up ] He loves me! Listen, Ben — Something tells me that those bifocals arent the only thing BI about you!
Benjamin Franklin: [ cracking up ] I don’t know what that means!
Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you, Freddie Mercury! Look at this guy! He’s so skinny… with that huge moustache, he looks like a GAY BROOM!
Freddie Mercury: You’re wonderful, darling, wonderful! [ singing ] “Mamma miaaaaa!!”
Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you SERIOUS?!! You’re so GAY, even your TEETH aren’t straight!
Benjamin Franklin: [ laughing uproariously ] I STILL don’t understand!
Joan Rivers: So many greats here! Lucille Ball, you’re a comedy legend!
Lucille Ball: [ waving ] I am!
Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory — wasn’t Lucy hilarious? With the chocolates, eating the chocolates. You stuffed more chocolates in your throat than the Kardashians! OHHHH!! Oh, GROW UP!! Grow up!!
[ Lucille Ball grimaces ]
Joan Rivers: Listen, people — Comedy is to make us laugh and to deal with things, so open the gates, let me in here! Lets start this show! Thank you! Youre wonderful! Good night!
[ fanfare dissolves to obituary card with Joan Rivers’ photo, 1933-2014 ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: 2014-2015
Starring:
Writers:
Episodes
Summary
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Pharrell Williams
Whore…..Maya Rudolph
[ open as Andy Samberg’s cellphone rings ]
Andy Samberg: Hello?
Girl: Hi! This is Bridget. Should I come over later?
Andy Samberg: I’m sorry, I don’t know a Bridget.
Bridget: Well, that’s not what you said when you hugged me last night.
Andy Samberg: You think we’re an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick! You better think again.
Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“We are not gentlemen!
Yo! I’ll hug a girl like it don’t mean nothin’
Then turn around and start huggin’ her cousin
I don’t love ’em, end of the fuckin’ discussion
Got ’em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing
She wanna hug from behind – I did it
Then her friend jump in; I’m wit’ it
I hug ’em tighter than a tube top;
After that, it’s just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.
I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs
And the drug was pure X – no marriage, no sex.
Just hugs.”
Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“Don’t get mad, girl. We get mad girls
And we’re hugging all over the world
So don’t catch feelings, it ain’t love
We’re just the kings of giving out hugs
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong
So we move to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.”
Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“You can’t hug a rolling stone cause it’ll crush you
Begging me to hug you again? That’s when I shush you
On an airplane, at a Knick game
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them
Which is nothing
Can’t trust them, lose all respect when I hug them
Now guess who’s back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit
Because I’m the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
(HUGS!)
Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man!”
Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“This ain’t love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones
We be king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.
I been hugging on your mama
Especially when your daddy’s gone
Wearing his pajamas
I know you thinking that is wrong
I don’t care what son does
I’m concentrating on her back
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I’m a hug gigolo
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know…”
Lonely Island:
“…that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Rest my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs.”
Pharrell Williams:
“We had fun, girl. But don’t get sprung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Susan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug
The waistline and above
When push comes to shove
You can’t hug a rolling stone.”
Whore: Purex! Purex for sale!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell
Legolas…..Andy Samberg
Employee…..Jay Pharoah
Gimli…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: And now, Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.
Legolas: I have no memory of this place. Good Day!
Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order, please?
Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
Employee: No man. It’s just sauce over there.
Legolas: I’ll take two beef chalupas.
Employee: Two beef chalupas for this hippie lady.
Legolas: You have my thanks. But I cannot linger. How’s the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco? Is that good? I keep hearing about it.
Gimli: Just save some for me!
Legolas: Gimli, you’ve returned!
Gimli: That’s right old friend. Hi, I’ll have a cheesy chicken burrito as well as, one of everything else on the menu, please. Ha, ha, ha! Funny! I thought I would never dine with an elf.
Legolas: Then how about dining with a friend?
Gimli: Aye! That I can do. Ha ha ha!
Employee: (looking at the camera) White people.
Announcer: This has been Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez