Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

ESPN Bowl Madness

Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Bowl Game footage ]

Announcer: This week on ESPN, Bowl Madness continues. If you liked seeing Cincinnati edge out Vanderbilt at the “AutoZone Liberty Bowl”, and Florida run all over the Buckeyes at the “TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl”, then tune in tomorrow at 6 p.m. as Albion College looks the take on the Montclair State Hawks in the “Phantom Menace in 3D Radio Shack Croissant Bowl”.

Then at 8 p.m.: Buffalo State butts heads with Wheaton, in the “Ruby Tuesday Hanes Her Way Prejudice Bowl”.

And on ESPN U at 10 p.m.: Dickinson’s running attack clashes with the stingy defense of DeVry Institute, in “the Mucinex Arizona Beef Council Pencil Bowl”.

And at 4 a.m.: The winless Delaware Valley Aggies look to salvage their dignity against the Stuyvesant High School wrestling squad, in the “Visine Dog Shit Dilbert Bowl”.

And after that, it’s the Texas A&M Marching Band vs. Tuberculosis, in the “Fidelity Four Loko Life Begins At Conception Bowl”.

And don’t miss 3 Dogs vs. 100 Bats, in the “Skechers Shape-Ups How I Met Your Mother Trojan Minis Bowl”. Brought to you by “City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.”

It’s Bowl Season on ESPN!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Chantix

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Bill Hader

[ open on couple sitting together on a couch ]

Announcer: Chantix. Real People. Real Stories.

Wife: I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. For my son. For my husband. [ she touches his leg ]

Husband: Chantix is not a nicotine product. It helps reduce the urge to smoke.

Wife: Because smoking wasn’t a habit — it was an addiction. That’s why I asked my doctor about Chantix.

Announcer: [ over SUPERs ] Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while using Chantix.

[ Wife sips from a cup of coffee ]

Announcer: Some people have had changes in behavior such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix.

[ Husband and Wife both look toward the camera with grave concern in their eyes ]

Announcer: If you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away.

[ Wife tries to assure her concerned Husband that that’s not th case ]

Announcer: Do not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmess drugs such as caffeine… as they may drastically increase the desire to kill.

[ Wife stares at her coffee cup on the cofee table ]

Announcer: If you notice symptoms such as rashes… [ Wife scratches arm ] fever… [ Wife feels hot ] droopy lip… [ her lip droops ] Jazz Hands… [ she waves her hands ] Robert De Niro Face… [ Wife mimics Robert De Niro ] or have Incredible Hulk strength… [ Wife breaks her coffee cup in her bare hands ] then call the police right away — for it is beginning!

[ Husband cowers back ]

Announcer: But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. [ Wife is relieved ] As well as “waking nightmares”, where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. [ Wife paws at her Husband’s face ] So use caution when operating spaceships. Spaceships? Uh-oh! I think you’re having one of those “waking nightmares”! “Banana?” “Yes, Orange.” “I love you, Banana.” “I love you, Orange.” “Hi, Banana!” “Kill him! Kill your husband NOW!! KILL HIM!!”

[ Wife jumps to her feet and chases her Husband out of the room ]

[ cut to Wife smoking a cigarette ]

Announcer: Chantix. Just keep smoking.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Goodnights

…..Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley: Hey, I want to thank Kelly clarkson — she was fantastic. Hey, it’s been my honor and pleasure. I want to thank everybody here at “Saturday Night Live” for working their butt off. But I want to give a shout-out to these guys, ’cause you guys have no idea how hard they work. And to do this every week, they must be crazy! Thank God — [ Clarkson laughs ] Hey — give them a shout-out, please! Happy New Year!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Mayan Calendar

Chief #1…..Fred Armisen
Chief #2…..Bll Hader
Teklameck…..Charles Barkley
Chief #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Chief #4…..Andy Samberg
Kukuya…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Mayan Calendar…..Paul Brittain

[ open on stock photo of Mayan temples ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “In the fifth century BC, the ancient people of Mesoamerica created the most accurate and sophisticated system for measuring time that the world had ever seen.”

“This is the story of the Mayan calendar.”

[ dissolve to ancient Mayans at the Council of the Chiefs ]

Chief #1: Thank you, everyone, for having us at the Council of the Chiefs.

Chief #2: We believe our new invention will change lives for ALL Mayans.

Chief #1: We call it… the Mayan Calendar. [ he unveils the round chiseled rock ]

Teklameck: What the hell is a “calendar”?!

Chief #1: Good question. A calendar is a way to measure time. It marks years… it marks months… it marks days.

Teklameck: When’s my birthday?!

Chief #1: Your birthday? I don’t know, uh… what time of year were you born?

Teklameck: At the end of the rainy season!

Chief #1: Okay, then… it’s somewhere… [ he moves his hand around the rock and stops ] here.

Teklameck: Where’s today?

Chief #1: [ pointing toward the bottom of the rock ] We’re right here.

Teklameck: Well… y’all missed my birthday. Y’all owe me a bunch of presents.

Chief #3: [ laughing ] Yeah! We do owe you some presents!

Teklameck: You know what I want?

Chief #1: What?

Teklameck: A little loincloth. [ BOM laughs ] This one rises up in the front.

Chief #4: [ laughing ] Yeah! We noticed!

Chief #1: Hey, come on, guys! Can we get back to the calendar? I want to describe it.

Chief #3: Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess I have a question, too.

Chief #4: Yeah, me, too! Me, too!

Chief #1: Guys, we can’t do everybody’s birthdays! We HAVE to move on! [ BOM and ANS lower their hands ] Okay, thank you. Now, uh, with this system, uh, we can assure that people will NEVER be late anywhere. They will always be on time.

Chief #3: [ pointing to CB ] I got a feeling some people still might be late! [ he laughs ]

Teklameck: Hey, watch it! Actually… he’s right. I’ll still be late!

Chief #3: Yeah!

[ they all laugh ]

Chief #1: Come on! Guys! Please! Focus, okay? Let me show you how it works. It’s very simple. [ he puts on reading glasses ] There are, uh, 20-day weeks rotating through 8 solar sequences, with very easy-to-remember names like Muluk… Ajaw… Chuwen!

Teklameck: No offense — this is confusing.

Chief #1: I’m sorry. Do you think you could do better?

Teklameck: How about this? What if we just did it like this: 12 months in a year… 7 days in a week, that we call things like “Monday”, “Tuesday”, “Wednesday”. Mayve slap a couple of rest days at the week’s end.

Chief #1: Okay, rest days at the week’s end — what would we even call that?

Teklameck: Man, I don’t know! How about… “The weekend”?! This is YOUR job!

[ Chief #3 and Chief #4 express their satisfaction with the weekend concept ]

Chief #2: That’s a lot of changes…

Chief #1: Yeah, we put a lot of work into this, Teklameck!

Teklameck: Yeah, but we can still improve it. It’s not like it’s set in STONE!

Chief #1: Nooo… it is. It is set in stone. We carved it in!

Kukuya: [ enters, clearing his throat and holding up carving tools ] Uh — we?

Chief #1: I’m sorry! Kukuya carved it! You get what I meant!

Kukuya: Oh, I get it alright! [ he steps away ]

Chief #1: He’s mad.

Chief #2: He is mad.

Teklameck: [ sighs ] Alright, how about this: We need a calendar that teaches you a new word for every day. It would be educational, and it would be FUN!

Chief #2: We’re not changing it.

Chief #3: Yeah! I-I-I certainly wouldn’t say no to seeing a different little cat every day.

Chief #4: Oh! You know what calendar is really cool? The Aztec calendar!

Chief #1: Oh, come on, man! We’re right here!

Chief #2: Not cool!

Teklameck: Let me ask you a question: Does this thing go on forever?

Chief #1: No, no. The, uh, Maya calendar ends in 2012.

Chief #3: [ confused ] But… then you make a new one?

Chief #1: No. Because the… world will end in 2012.

Chief #2: Streets will run with BLOOD. Land will be swallowed by the SEA!

Teklameck: Man, you just ran out of space and STOPPED, didn’t you?!

Chief #1: NO! That is NOT the case!

Teklameck: That’s a LIE!!

Chief #1: Okay, yes… you got us. We ran out of space…

Chief #2: It’s not our fault. This guy didn’t carve a big enough circle…

Kukuya: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! I went off of YOUR drawing! Y-y-you know what?! [ he throws his tools down ] I’M OUT!! CARVE YOUR OWN ROCKS!!

Chief #2: He’s mad… he’s really mad…

Chief #3: Wait! Aren’t you worried that people in the future are actually gonna be afraid that the world will end?

Chief #1: I can’t worry about people in the future! Okay? I have my girlfriend, I have my job…

Chief #4: Oh, look — the sun’s going down.

Chief #3: Oh! We gotta go sacrifice a virgin!

Teklameck: Who’s up today?

Chief #4: Metzel.

Teklameck: Metzel? Well, they can go and sacrifice Metzel… but Metzel ain’t no virgin!

[ they all high-five one another and laugh ]

Chief #1: Alright, we gotta see that. Meeting’s over, let’s get out there!

[ they all run off, as the camera zooms in on the face at the center of the Mayan calendar ]

Mayan Calendar: [ sighs ] Oh, well… there they go. I get that I’m a complicated calendar, but you know what? We all are. I mean, think about it, right? Anyway… Happy Birthday, everybody. Now get out of here!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Thank you! THank you very much! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. This is my third trip hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I bet none of you thought I’d do it three times. But that’s okay — I did. I bet Scottie Pippen, and now he owes me $75,000! I’m so happy the NBA strike is over. The strike was a comp — it was complicated. It had so many sides to it. But, in a nutshell, the problem is: Ever since I left, the NBA’s been crap, and everybody’s broke. The end!

[ the audience cheers ]

Thank you. Some of you mgiht be looking up and saying, “Sir Charles looks less… less gigantic.” Thank you very much! As you might have heard, I teamed up with Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 38 pounds. [ the audience cheers ] Yep! 38 pounds! Or, as I like to think of it — one Muggsy Bogues. Now, why did I lose the weight? Well, when I was playing for the Sixers in the 80’s, reporters called me the Round Mound of Rebound. It made me think. And 25 years later, I decided to do something about it. Some of you might be saying, “Charles, isn’t Weight Watchers for ladies?” But I tell them, “Shut up, Michael Jordan!” Oh, and congrats on your engagement — that’s gonna go great, Mike! [ he laughs ] Seriously, though — I have no problem endorsing a feminine product. That reminds me: I have a new line of clothes at Ann Taylor.

[ reveal ad slide: “Ann Taylor, Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights” ]

Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights, a line of casual, contempo pantsuits for the working woman. The point is: Weight Watchers worked for me. I feel great, except for one thing: I am so hungry! I am starving! So please forgive me if I might eat one of you tonight. Y’all all look like turkey legs to me. [ he points into the audience ] Especially you.

But we have a great show for you tonight. A turkey leg named Kelly Clarkson is here. I’m gonna cover her in butter and gobble her up. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Shaquille O’Neal…..Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Kenny Smith…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on commentators seated at broadcast desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Hello, and welcome to “Inside the NBA”! I’m Ernie Johnson. With me, as always, is Kenny “The Jet” Smith…

Kenny Smith: Ha ha! Hey da!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Mr. Charles Barkley…

Charles Barkley: Hey, great to be here, E.J.!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Tonight, we welcome the newest member of the TNT family — Superman himself, Shaquille O’Neal!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] It’s me. Shaq. I’m here now. I’m on TV. I’m Shaq.

Charles Barkley: Man! Shaq, you gotta ENUNCIATE! You make me sound like Sidney Porti-errrr!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Ooh, Shaq! You got burned!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys, settle down. You promised me that this year you would cool it with the hijinks and the pranks and focus on BASKETBALL, okay? [ something whizzes past his face ] Hey, what was that?

Charles Barkley: Oh. Kenny just dared me to throw a piece of baloney at Shaq’s head.

Shaquille O’Neal: [ not seeing the baloney on his forehead ] Ha ha — too bad you missed!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ shaking his head ] We’re off to a great start. Let’s look at some scores. [ show scoreboard ] Tuesday, the Memphis Grizzlies defeated the Minnesota Timberwolves, 90 to 86 — a combined 20 points for Tony Allen. Charles, what are your thoughts on Memphis?

Charles Barkley: Oh, Memphis? I LOVE Memphis! One time I was there with Karl Malone, and we got so drunk we hijacked a riverboat and made them turn it into a casino! And then we dared Akima Hakeem Olajuwon to fight an alligator to the death, and I lost fifty grand betting on the alligator!

Shaquille O’Neal: Yeah. Memphis is a good one. One time I was there… I had ribs.

Charles Barkley: [ throws his hands in the air ] That’s it?! Shaw, that story was turr-bull! The only thing worse than that story is your neck beard! I mean, it looks like your big fat head is casting a shadow! And why is it so low?! Is it running away from the rest of your face?

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Yeah, Shaq! You look like an Amish Mr. Clean!

[ Barkley laughs ]

Shaquille O’Neal: [ fuming ] Yeah? Well, you’re BALD!!

Charles Barkley: You bald, TOO, dummy! We’re ALL bald!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Okay, I know how to solve this! Golf cart racing!

Charles Barkley: Yeah! Golf cart racing! Golf cart racing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No! This is a professional television show, guys! [ they all boo ] Yeah, boo me! Boo me! I love it! [ continuing ] In an earlier game tonight, the Sacramento Kings beat ‘Waukee Bucks, 103 to 100, amid rumors that DeMarcus Cousins demand that his coach be fired! Interesting.

Charles Barkley: Okay, Ernie, you want some basketball analysis? Well, I think DeMarcus Cousins… [ he reaches down for a prop ]

Kenny Smith: Uh-oh! Uh-oh, here we go!

Charles Barkley: [ putting on baby bonnet ] is a little baby!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Baby hat! He got a baby hat! Baby hat in the house!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] I had to wear a baby bonnet once — when I was a baby.

[ everyone stares at him ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my God, Shaq! What is going on with your stories? You are the most BORING person I’ve ever met — and I know ERNIE!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Heyyy! What!

Kenny Smith: Hey, well, at least Shaq got FOUR championship rings!

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, he got four rings — and it sounds like they all stuck in his throat!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: If you’re just joining us — if you’re just tuning in — this show is about basketball. So let’s look at the week’s scoring leaders. [ Golf Cart Races graphic appears ] Wait, what’s this?

Kenny Smith: It’s the times of last night’s gold cart races! I beat Shaq by EIGHT seconds!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, why is there an asterisk next to your time, Charles?

Charles Barkley: Uh, because I got arrested. Luckily, I’m Charles Barkley… so I told a couple of stories, took a couple photos, and they let me go.

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s because people love you, Charles Barkley. [ he winks ]

Charles Barkley: That’s right. That is true.

Kenny Smith: Okay, here’s an idea: Let’s see who can stand on one foot the longest. Let’s do that.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No, no, let’s not. Come on, now why do you guys hate to talk about basketball so much?

Charles Barkley: ‘Cause we PLAY basketball! We don’t want to TALK about it! It would be like you talking about shopping for ugly ties!

Kenny Smith: Exactly!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can I at least get your predictions for the late game?

Shaquille O’Neal: [ rubbing crystal ball ] I have a prediction… [ lightining flashes ] for I am the Great Shaqradamus.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Who’s giving him all these props?

Shaquille O’Neal: I will predict that Charles Barkley gonna be FAT again. He’ll be so fat, he’ll star in “Fat” — [ correcting himself ] “Free Willy 2”.

Charles Barkley: First of all, Dummy — there was already a “Free Willy 2”! But I’d rather be in “Free Willy 2” than “Kazaam 1”! Shaq, I wouldn’t see your movies if they were playing in my eyelids!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Your movies! On his eyelids! Plus a baby hat! Oh, no!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ chuckling ] We’re all black friends! [ silence ] Alright, let’s take a break. When we return, I’ll try to show some highlights, while Charles tries to eat a hundred Saltines in one minute.

Charles Barkley: Oh, Ernie, Ernie! Shaq is asleep.

[ Shaq is snoring ]

Kenny Smith: Oh, man — quick! We need a glass of warm water, whipped cream…

Charles Barkley: A ping-pong ball…

Kenny Smith: Some lipstick…

Charles Barkley: A tennis racquet…

Kenny Smith: A string…

Charles Barkley: Syrup…

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Okay, guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Three eggs…

Charles Barkley: Some sawdust…

Kenny Smith: A live monkey…

Charles Barkley: Let’s get some eggs…

[ cut to program graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Goodnights

…..Ben Stiller

Ben Stiller: Alright. This has been one of the CRAZIEST weeks of my life, I had an AMAZING time! Thanks, everybody. Thanks to Foster the People! [ the crowd cheers ] Hugh Jackman! Kenny G! Everybody, thank you very much. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Hank Williams, Jr.

Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis

[ fade from SNL Digital Short to SNL’s house band, featuring Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Are you ready for a commercial?
They gonna sell you stu-u-u-u-uff!
There’ll be one for cars, there’ll be one for beer!
You know you want to run out and buy them!

So don’t change the channel, everything’s alright!
All my rowdy friends are here on Saturday Night!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Mitt Romney Press Conference

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Republican #1…..Bill Hader
Republican #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Republican #3…..Taran Killam
Republican #4…..Paul Brittain
Republican #5…..Kristen Wiig
Republican #6…..Vanessa Bayer
Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: We go now to Washington, D.C., where Mitt Romney is taking a question from top Republican fundraisers.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Uh, it’s such an honor to be addressing you tonight. You’re the backbone of the Republican party, and I think we all agree it’s time for change. Alright? I-I-I-I hope I have your support. Any questions? [ pointing ] Yes?

Republican #1: You were saying recently that America needs a leader who will return it to its position as the strongest nation on Earth.

Mitt Romney: Uh… yes.

Republican #1: Who do you think that leader is?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well… obviously, I, you know, think it’s me!

Republican #1: Yeah, but… let’s say you could pick anyone. Not just the candidates who’ve announced.

Mitt Romney: Well, I-I-I-I would still pick me. I- I think I have the experience, both in the private sector and the government to lead the country at this critical time. [ he points ] Yes, you.

Republican #2: The deadline for candidates to file to be eligible is October 31st.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That’s right.

Republican #2: Would you be in favor of pushing that deadline back to give the party more time to find a viable candidate?

Mitt Romney: Well, obviously, I think I’m a viable candidate. I mean, I’m not just a guy who runs for president because I can afford to.

Republican #2: Oh! [ she twirls her eyes ] Okay.

Mitt Romney: [ pointing ] Uh — yes. You.

Republican #3: Uh, this Tuesday, Gov. Chris Christie announced he would not seek the Republican nomination. Uh… have you considered calling him and trying to convince him to run?

Mitt Romney: Why would I do that?

Republican #3: Uh… he’s a great candidate? [ he chuckles ] We were all gonna vote for him! Right?

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay, now, look, look, look! I know that Gov. Christie was a fun personality with a LOT of charisma. But I assure you… the more you get to know Mitt, the more fun you’re gonna have! [ pointing ] You!

Republican #4: Uh, yeah — are we gonna have Hoagie Friday?

Mitt Romney: [ confused ] I’m sorry?

Republican #4: Hoagie Friday. Uh, Gov. Christie said he would have Hoagie Fridays! He said we were a bunch of meatballs, uh… so we should all get meatball hoagies! [ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Uh — I’m sure we could get some food in here. What do you people like? huh? What do you like, buttered bread? [ no response ] You guys want some buttered bread?

Republican #4: You know what? Just… just forget it.

[ Republican #5 rises next to him ]

Republican #5: [ quickly ] You’re not Chris Christie, and you never will be!

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay! Look! Okay, I’m about to get ANGRY! Okay? And not regular angry — we’re talking MORMON Angry! I mean, you’re gonna start hearing words like “Shucks!”, “Fudge!”, and the biggie: ” Cheese and crackers!” Now, I know I have shortcomings, okay? I’m plainspoken… I’m a little stiff… and my voice sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy voice. But I’m the man now! So do we have any questions about the election at hand? [ he points ] Yes — you!

Republican #6: Um — how do write-in votes work? Seriously — if we all wrote in “Chris Christie” and he won, he would have to be president, right/

Mitt Romney: [ angry ] Awwwww… HECK IT ALL! Heck it all to FUDGE!!

[ Chris Christie leans in ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Heyyyy, easy, everybody!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: [ flattered ] Oh, look at this! I didn’t realize there was a MEATBALL CONVENTION in town!

[ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Ah ha ha ha. Thank you for that.

Gov. Chris Christie: Okay, now listen up! You HAVE to start showing Gov. Romney some respect! I mean, how do you think he feels, watching you like everybody more than him?

Republican #5: Governor Christie, we don’t WANT to stay with him! We want you to run!

[ the crowd agrees ]

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna happen! I know you want me to run, but this… [ he accentuates his figure ] This can’t go national! My style works in one place: New Jersey! If I run for President, I gotta go to places like Mississippi — in June!

Mitt Romney: Hmm…

Gov. Chris Christie: I mean, can you picture me in the Mississippi heat in June? Taking questions from some yokel while I breathe like Tony Soprano? [ he wheezes his demonstration ]

Mitt Romney: You alright?

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna be pretty!

Republican #6: But Romney is so boring!

Gov. Chris Christie: So what? He’s a nice man in a clean suit that wants to be President! Where are your manners? It’s like he took you to a fancy dinner in a nightclub, and you spent the entire night grinding on the sweaty guy from Jersey! You owe him an apology!

Republicans: Sorry.

Gov. Chris Christie: I can’t hear you!

Republicans: SORRY!!

Gov. Chris Christie: Oh… oh, hell! I can’t stay mad at you meatballs! And by the way… wait. Mitt — earmuffs.

Mitt Romney: You got it, Gov! [ he covers his ears ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Look — I’m gonna run in 2016. [ the crowd beams with excitement ] I just can’t do it now. Let’s just say… I gotta make a couple things go away first. Okay? But after this poor bastard loses… [ he points to Romney ] I’ll get a nice head start, I’ll run in four years, it’ll be great! Fat President! Come on, it writes itself!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Thank you. Mitt! Earmuffs, off. [ Romney lowers his hands ] They’re all yours.

Mitt Romney: Alright. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate that. Uh — thank you! Alright, so, uh, any mroe questions, you balls of meat? [ the crowd shakes their heads No ] Okay. In that case, I have one more thing I have to say, and I’m pretty excited to say it, so, uh —

[ Chris Christie shoves Romney out of the way ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Tinyballs

Head Coach (Brad Pitt)…..Taran Killam
Coach #2…..Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill)…..Bobby Moynihan
Dealer…..Ben Stiller
Player #1…..Jay Pharoah
Player #2…..Paul Brittain

[ open on MPAA card ]

[ dissolve to movie trailer — baseball coach in business meeting ]

Head Coach: You have rich teams… and poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s us.

[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]

Head Coach: We’ve got to think differently!

Coach #2: differently, how?

[ cut to Coach meeting with Manager in an alley ]

Manager: Your goal shouldn’t be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.

Head Coach: But how?

Manager: with this guy.

[ reveal Dealer ]

Dealer: Hey.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of “Moneyball”.

Dealer: What if I told you you don’t need talent or money… and you could still win?

Head Coach: With what? Heart?

Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.

[ the coach mulls it over ]

[ SUPER: “Based On A True Story” ]

[ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]

Head Coach: Gentlemen… we’re going to give you talent.

Player #1: How you gonna do that?

Dealer: We’re gonna inject in your ass.

[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player’s skin ]

Dealer: This is called The Cream.

Player #1: What does it do?

Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.

Player #1: Wait, what?

Dealer: Don’t worry about it.

[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]

Player #2: I can hit!

[ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ]

[ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]

Coach #2: People don’t like what you’re doing! You’re threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.

[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ]

[ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]

Daughter: I’m so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?

Head Coach: We’re cheating, Honey. We’re cheating.

[ his daughter smiles ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you…

[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] …Change the odds.

[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]

Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah!

[ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Tinyballs”.

[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]

Player #1: What’s happening to me?

Dealer: You’re winning.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts