Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Emma Stone’s Monologue

…..Emma Stone
…..Andy Samberg
…..Andrew Garfield

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Emma Stone!

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you! (laughs) It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the second time! Uh, it’s been a pretty busy year for me-I got to be in “Crazy Stupid Love”and “The Help,” and next summer-[cheers] I’m gonna get to be in “The Amazing Spider-Man,” so, that’s pretty great. Uh, I play Spider-Man’s girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, who is a dynamic and brilliant science student. Not to be confused with Spider-Man’s other girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, who is a SKANK and doesn’t love him like I do. [as Andy Samberg drops in upside down wearing a Spider-Man costume] I’m really just so excited to be playing opposite su-such an amazing superhero.

Andy Samberg: [excitedly] Did someone say SUPERHERO?!

Emma Stone: [confused] Hey, Andy. How ya-What are you doing up there?

Andy Samberg: Well, I heard about the new Spider-Man movie, figured I would audish, maybe catch that part-IN MY WEB!! [fires Silly String from the web shooter on his wrist]

Emma Stone: Hey, Andy, I think it- [laughs as Andy continues to shoot sporadically]

Andy Samberg: Silly String!

Emma Stone: I think it might be a little late to get the part in the Spider-Man movie.

Andy Samberg: It’s never too late for Spider-Man. He can stop time!

Emma Stone: No he can’t. You’re actually thinking of Zack Morris from “Saved By the Bell.”

Andy Samberg: That’s right, yeah.

Emma Stone: And it’s definitely too late, because the movie comes out in July.

Andy Samberg: Well, we have to move quickly. Here, read with me. [opens a red fanny pack on his costume] What we got here…[pulls out a piece of paper] OK…[hands Emma the paper as other junk falls out] Take that…Just I…

Emma Stone: Oh boy…OK…

Andy Samberg: It’s OK, I don’t need a script. I’m off book. Here we go.

Emma Stone: Alright, I guess I better read with him-he went to this sad amount of trouble. Um, [reads overdramatically] Hi, Spider-Man!

Andy Samberg: Sorry, Gwen, I don’t have time to bone. I have to fight Green Goblin-oh, wait, Green Goblin just canceled; we can bone now.

Emma Stone: OK, Andy, aren’t you just redoing the same monologue Kirsten Dunst did like, 10 years ago?

[cut to a still of Kirsten Dunst’s SNL monologue from 2002]

Andy Samberg: Uh, yeah, aren’t you just redoing the exact same Spider-Man movie from 10 years ago?

Emma Stone: [offended] NOOOOO….but anyway…

Andy Samberg: OK, look, enough about the past. If you reshoot Spider-Man with me I’ll give you a performance…TO FLIP FOR!! [tries to do a backflip but is restrained by his harness] to flip for…[continues flailing and trying to flip to no avail]

Emma Stone: I’m sorry, buddy, we already got a pretty great Spider-Man.

Andy Samberg: HA! Let me guess-some teen heartthrob like Ray Liotta or Patrick Stewart?

Emma Stone: Actually, his name is Andrew Garfield.

Andy Samberg: [dismissive laugh] Garfield?! I’m sorry, does Spider-Man hate Mondays now? How-how’s he gonna fight crime when he’s busy eating lasagna and porking Nermal, am I right?! [laughs]

Emma Stone: I think you might be thinking of the wrong Garfield. Andrew, can you come up here?

[New Spider-Man Andrew Garfield enters stage right to cheers.]

Andy Samberg: Uh, excuse me, sir, just because you co-created Facebook doesn’t mean you can just barge up here.

Andrew Garfield: [in his natural British accent] That was-that was just a role I played. And I’m sorry, mate, but I am also playing Spider-Man.

Andy Samberg: [incredulously] He’s BRITISH?! Oh, America is suffering record unemployment and we outsource SPIDER-MAN to England?! I’m so angry about this I could…FLIP OUT!! [attempts to backflip some more, but fails]

Emma Stone: OK, we have got a great show for you tonight!

Andrew Garfield: Coldplay is here!

Andy Samberg: [angrily] Why-why all the British people?!

Emma Stone: So stick around and we will be right back!

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Les Jeunes de Paris

Francois…..Taran Killam
Juliette…..Emma Stone
Marius…..Paul Brittain
Stewart…..Bobby Moynihan
French Girls…..Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad
Napoleon…..Fred Armisen
The Hunchback of Notre Dame…..Andy Samberg

[Open on France3 graphic.]

Announcer: Vous regardez France3, la televison supercool. [You are watching France 3 – supercool television.]

[Cut to opening credits: Metro station, skaters, the Eiffel Tower, etc.]

[Dissolve to Parisian bistro, as Francois and Juliette are sitting at a table.]

Francois: Non, non, Juliette! S’il vous plait! [No, no, Juliette! Please!]

Juliette: Je suis desolé, Francois. Ce n’est pas vous, il est moi. [I’m sorry, Francois. It’s not you, it’s me.]

Francois: Mais pourqoi? Mais pourqoi, Juliette? [But why? But why, Juliette?]

[Juliette stands and takes her suitcase.]

Juliette: Je veux voir le monde. [I want to see the world.]

[She waves goodbye to Marius.]

Juliette: Au revoir, Marius.

Everybody: Bon voyage!

[She starts to leave as Francois jumps up.]

Francois: Non! [No!]

[Juliette stops.]

Francois: Marius. „A cause de garcons“.

[Marius thumps the jukebox, which begins to play „A cause de garcons“ by Yelle.]

[Francois strikes a few dance poses and moves toward Juliette, who walks toward him, intrigued. She crosses her arms and tries to look uninterested as he dances around her. After a few moments she gives in and follows his moves, mirroring his dancing.]

[The chorus begins and everybody in the room begins to dance wildly.]

[Francois grabs a chair and places it in front of the exit. He seductively rubs himself against it, shaking his ass at Juliette, before sitting down on it, guarding the door.]

[Juliette and another girl pull him off the chair and across the room. Juliette starts walking towards the door, but Francois grabs her sweater and pulls it off her.]

[Startled, she throws her hands in the air, exposing her hairy, hairy armpits.]

[Francois puts her sweater around her shoulders and goes on to put a chain and a lock around the door handles. With ostentation, he brushes dust off his hands.]

[Determined, Juliette prouces a baguette and starts smashing the chain apart with it.]

[The door opens and Francois, suddenly outside of the bistro, jumps in and dances in front of Juliette.]

[Everybody resumes to dance wildly, as Francois takes Juliette’s suitcase and throws it on top of the jukebox, out of her reach.]

Juliette: Non!

[He becons her to come to him, but she is happily rubbing herself against Napoleon, who is standing still with one hand in his coat.]

[Not to be outdone, Francois grabs a red balloon that has floated from above and starts dancing with it before passionately running his tongue over it.]

[The balloon explodes.]

[Francois turns and gets down on one knee in front of Juliette, placing a ring on her finger. The other people in the bistro come and put Juliette in a wedding gown and a bow tie on Francois.]

[Napoleon weds the bridal couple. They kiss.]

[Juliette gives birth to an infant that crawls out from in beetween her legs.]

[Everybody resumed to wild dancing, as bicyclists from the Tour De France race through the scene.]

[Red, white and blue balloons suddenly fall over the group as Francois grabs Juliette, spins her around and holds her in a pose, as everyone in the room freezes.]

[The hunchback jumps into frame.]

The Hunchback: Sanctuary!

[Cut to title card.]

[Fade.]

Submitted by: Bon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Sad Song

Karen…..Nasim Pedrad
Emma…..Emma Stone
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Bill….Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Janitor…..Fred Armisen
Window Washer…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Coldplay

[ open on exterior, office building, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, office ]

Emma: Hey, Karen… I’m sorry you didn’t land that account. You okay?

Karen: Oh, that’s fine — I’m totally fine!

Emma: Oh. We all know how bad you wanted it. Why don’t you take your mind off of it, and join us for Happy hour?

Kristen: Yeah! TGIFriday’s has 100 wings for only 20 cents until 7 pm!

[ the others encourage Karen to join them ]

Karen: No, I’m okay! I’ll be right behind you. I just… have to… do a couple things.

Emma: Okay. And don’t worry — you’re gonna get it NEXT time.

Karen: Thanks! Bye! [ the others exit the office ] And… play.

[ Karen plays Adele’s “Someone Like You”, and begins to weep vividly and mouth the words ]

[ she quickly turns the CD off and scatters things around her desk as Emma re-enters the office ]

Karen: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This desk is, like, crazy — oh, my God, I have too many pencils! So many of them!

Emma: Karen… Karen. Stop! I know you were listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” and crying.

Karen: Okay.

Emma: And you know what? Last night, I watched the series finale of “Friday Night Lights” and it really messed me up, so…

Karen: Say no more.

[ Karen turns the song back on, as she and Emma both begin to cry and pig into pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream ]

[ suddenly, Kristen re-enters the office ]

Kristen: Is everyone coming?

[ Karen quickly turns the song off, as she and Emma pretend to be in the middle of an order ]

Karen: Yes! [ she grabs the telephone ] THank you for your business! We will get RIGHT on that! OKay, bye bye!

Emma: Byyyyyye!

Kristen: Ladies, I’m no dummy. You both needed a good cry, so you were listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You”.

Karen: [ with ice cream dripping down her face ] Do you do it, too?

Kristen: Everyone with a heart and an iTunes account does. So I know it… I get it… and I want in.

Emma: [ suspicious ] Why? What’s going on with you?

Kristen: All week, my, uh… my parakeets have been fighting. I feel I’m caught in the middle of it. So… so, hit me.

Karen & Emma: Okay.

[ Karen turns the song back on, as all three women begin to cry in their own unique manner — including Emma taking a digital photo of herself, and Kristen reaching out for her parakeets ]

[ suddenly, the male co-workers re-enter the office ]

Andy: Laaaadies!

Kenan: Where are you at?!

[ Karen quickly turns the song off, as the ladies try to cover their behavior ]

Karen: We’re not doing ANYTHING, okay?!

Emma: We were doing NOTHING! We were doing NOTHING!

Karen: Yep!

Kristen: I was thinking about my birds and crying to Adele’s “Someone Like You”.

Andy: What?

Kenan: what?!

Karen: What are you guys doing back here?

Bill: That Happy Hour wings special ended at 6:30. [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Oh, God…

The Men: Press Play…

[ Karen turns the song on again, as the male co-workers begin to weep vividly, including Bill with mascara running down his cheeks ]

[ then, the Janitor enters the room mopping, and he too begins to weep with his lower lip quivering ]

[ outside, a Window Washer is busy washing the window, then drops his squeegee and places his hand on the glass and begins to cry along with everyone else ]

[ from within the halls of Studio 8H, the members of Coldplay watch the sketch on a monitor and cry along with the characters ]

[ back within the sketch, all of the co-workers and other participants lock arms in a line and sing along ]

[ at last, Karen turns the song off one last time ]

Karen: Guys… let’s go get some FULL-PRICED wings!

Everyone: YEAH!!!

[ they all rush out of the office ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



















Bit Players:


November 19th, 2011

Jason Segel

Florence + The Machine

None

Kermit the Frog

Miss Piggy

Fozzy Bear

The Great Gonzo

Rolf

Scooter

Statler & Waldorf

Paul Rudd

Gov. Jon Huntsman

Olivia Wilde

None

Mitt Romney: Raw & UnleashedSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) tries desperately to prove that he can be less boring than he appears to be.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Jason Segel’s MonologueSummary: Jason Segel sings about the unbelievalbe thrill of hosting “Saturday Night” with backing vocals from his disgruntled group of Muppet co-stars.

Transcript

Red Flag ParfumSummary: The enchanting fragrance that warns would-be suitors that the attractive woman in the bar might not be worth the pursuit.

Note: Repeat from 11a

Kelly AuditionsSummary: Following Regis Philbin’s retirement, Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) auditions various celebrities in search of a new co-star.

Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa, Michael Gelman, Ricky Gervais, Charles Barkley, Denzel Washington, Ashton Kutcher, Rosie O’Donnell, Antonio Banderas, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Transcript

Kemper-Pedic Me Time MattressSummary: Pete Kemper (Jason Segel) promotes his patented Keper Pedic Me Time Mattress, which allows him to perform masturbatory actions in bed without disturbing his wife’s (Vanessa Bayer) sleep.

Transcript

The VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel) greet more newcomers with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses at Christmas time.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Austin Vogelcheck.

Florence + The Machine performs “Shake It Out”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Gov. Jon Huntsman comments on how his campaign for the Republican presidential nominee is going, especially in New Hampshire. Seth Meyers and Kermit the Frog ask “Really!?!” in regards to pizza being declared a vegetable for the sake of school the lunch program.

Transcript

Retirement PartySummary: Mr. Gurst’s (Fred Armisen) retirement party is marred by secretary Janelle Mumrot’s (Kristen Wiig) inability to find something to say and Louis’ (Jason Segel) drunken plot to spill well-known company secrets.

A New Jack ThanksgivingSummary: Medium Richard (Bobby Moynihan) promotes a collection of New Jack holiday classics that he’s almost positive never went out of style.

Recurring Characters: Triangle Sally.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: An 80’s-era Instructor (Andy Samberg) does a poor job demonstrating the art of “Seducing Women Through Chess”.

Transcript

André The Giant Chooses An Ice Cream FlavorSummary: André The Giant (Jason Segel) takes his time to ponder the selection of an ice cream flavor among so many vivid choices.

Transcript

Florence + The Machine performs “No Light, No Light”

The Blue Jean CommitteeSummary: Members of the Blue Jean Committee (Fred Armisen, Jason Segel, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) are local western Massachusetts boys about to go national, but still wow the crowd at the local bar with their hit “Massachusetts Afternoon”.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

NBA TelethonSummary: Because of the NBA Lockout, basketball players are unable to solicit donations during their annual telethon.

Balcony SongsSummary: City residents perform Broadway solos from their apartment balconies.

Deidra Wurtz: Bankruptcy ExpertSummary: Bankruptcy expert Deidra Wurtz (Abby Elliott) will assist people with bad business ability with ease and Valley girl vernacular.

Frozen Mexican DinnerSummary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody will air on the next episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.

Kid DynamoSummary: An inventor (Jason Sudeikis) tries to impress a group of scientists with the child-sized robots (Paul Brittain, Taran Killam) he invented.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

André the Giant Chooses An Ice Cream Flavor

André The Giant…..Jason Segel

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, “André the Giant Chooses An Ice Cream Flavor.”

[ dissolve to André The Giant towering over other patrons at an ice cream parlor ]

André The Giant: [ deep-voiced ] Hmm… hmm… Hel-lo, la-dy! What do I want? [ he looks up ] Mint Chovolate Chip? No! It’s too minty! Moose Tracks. Who names this? I will call it, uh… Fudge… plus Vanilla… and with some peanuts in it! I don’t know… I’ll leave that to the professional — ha ha ha! Ugh… so many flavors. I wish I could eat ALL of you! [ he looks at the girl behind the counter ] Ha! [ thinking ] One… scoop… of vanilla. [ she hands it to him ] Thank you. [ he holds the tiny cone to his mouth and licks ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “André the Giant Chooses An Ice Cream Flavor.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Goodnights

…..Jason Segel

Jason Segel: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to Florence + The Machine! [ he hugs Florence ] To The Muppets — to The Muppets! To Paul Rudd! To Governor Jon Huntsman! [ he hugs Huntsman ] And to my family, who couldn’t be here tonight! This is for you. I love you guys! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Kelly Auditions

Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Gelman…..Paul Brittain
Ricky Gervais…..Jason Sudeikis
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
George Lopez…..Fred Armisen
Garrison Keillor…..Bill Hader
Rosie O’Donnell…..Bobby Moynihan
Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Ashton Kutcher…..Taran Killam
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharaoh
Antonio Banderas…..Jason Segel
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on the “Live with Regis & Kelly” set ]

Gelman: Alright, Kelly, are you ready for this?

Kelly Ripa: [ she sighs ] Replacing Regis Philbin! It just doesn’t seem possible, Gelman.

Gelman: I know, I know. Fortunately, we have a lot of great options for new co-hosts, so we’re gonna have you sit with them and see if there’s any chemistry.

Kelly Ripa: Alright, let’s do this!

Gelman: Alright! First up, we have someone who’s become a fixture at awards ceremonies — Ricky Gervais. [ he steps side ]

[ Ricky Gervais sits next to Kelly ]

Ricky Gervais: Hello. It’s great to be here.

Kelly Ripa: Ricky! How are you!

Ricky Gervais: Yeah. I’m alright. You know — hosting the Golden Globes. So… prestigious!

Kelly Ripa: It would be SO FUN to have you as a co-host!

Ricky Gervais: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because it’s always been MY dream to replace an 8-year old man. Not really! Wha-a-a-at?!

Gelman: Terrific stuff. Thanks, Ricky. Okay, up next we have… an out-of-work basketball commentator — Charles Barkley.

Kelly Ripa: Hi, Charles! How are you!

Charles Barkley: Oh? Kelly the Ripa. Okay! You’re like an adorable talking chipmunk!

Kelly Ripa: Ha ha ha! You know, Reege and I used to have fun banter about our family life. So, tell me, Charles — What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Charles Barkley: Well, spending it the way I always do — playing pock-out Poker with Carl Malone and the ghost of Manute Bol. Now, what time does this show start?

Kelly Ripa: Nine a.m.

Charles Barkley: Okay, bye! [ he leaves ]

Gelman: Thanks, Charles. Uh, okay — uhh, let’s see here. Up next — whoop! Sorry!Up next, we have former late night talk show host — George Lopez!

[ George Lopez stumbles in, bangs his chair around and adjusts his tie in a spastic manner ]

Kelly Ripa: Hi, George! Hey! [ Lopez is too busy spazzing out ] George? George? Hi! What do you think you could bring to the “Regis & Kelly” franchise?

George Lopez: Well, you know — having a Latino as a co-host could really change the landscape of daytime television! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] And I should know about LANDSCAPING because I’m LATINO!!

Gelman: [ smiling ] He is great! Great Okay, next we have a longtime host of NPR’s “Prairie home Companion” — Garrison Keillor!

Kelly Ripa: [ starstruck ] Garrison… Garrison, I LOVE your radio show!

Garrison Keillor: [ low-key ] Ah, yes, my show… brought to you by Miss Henderson’s Eyebrow Tonic. Keeping your eyebrows bushy and full. Because why should owwwwwwls have all the fun?

Gelman: Thanks. Okay, next is a woman who started her own talk show — Rosie o’Donnell.

[ Rosie o’Donnell runs in and hugs Kelly Ripa ]

Rosie O’Donnell: Kelly! You little curie-patootie! [ she lays a wett sloppy kiss on Kely ] I will ABSORB you!

Kelly Ripa: Gelman!

Gelman: [ laughing ] Terrific! Next up is the star of Fox’s “New Girl” — Zooey Deschanel.

[ Zooey Deschanel enters with a ukelele in hand ]

Zooey Deschanel: [ comic-voiced ] Hiiii.

Kelly Ripa: Oh, that would be SO much fun! Having two women on the show!

Zooey Deschanel: Hmm… you’re a woman, but I’m just a little-bitty girl [ she snickers ] I’m just quirky and weird and, you know… [ she makes noises ] I’m aorkable! Plus, I already wrote a theme song! [ singing ] “Zooey and Kelly / Kelly and Zooey!” [ she plays the ukulele and whistles ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay, thanks for coming!

Gelman: Okay, uh, next up is a guy who’s in ALL of the tabloids — Ashton Kutcher!

[ Ashton Kutcher climbs in his chair ]

Ashton Kutcher: Hi! Now that I’ve stopped TWEETING, I got sixteen extra hours a DAY!! So what’s the deal with this JOB?! I want to get HIRED!!

Kelly Ripa: Well, yeah, it’s a long process, Ashton.

Ashton Kutcher: Okay, I’m BORED!! [ he exits ]

Gelman: Thanks, Ashton. Uh, next is someone who’s looking to move to television — Denzel Washington.

Denzel Washington: Alright, I’m ready! What’s going on! Ha ha ha!

Kelly Ripa: So, Denzel — are you EXCITED for the “Twilight” finale?

Denzel Washington: Am I excited for the “Twilight” finale?

Kelly Ripa: Have you read the books?

Denzel Washington: She’s asking have I read the BOOKS! Ha ha!

Kelly Ripa: Are you just gonna repeat whatever I say?

Denzel Washington: Ha ha ha ha! Alright!

Gelman: Wonderful. Oh, Antonio Banderas showed up, but I don’t think he even knows there are auditions.

Antonio Banderas: [ smoothly ] Hello, my flower. This is a very good time for me — with the “Puss in Boots”, the Nasonex bee voice, and I am wearing very fine clothing… and Regis is in Heaven with the angels.

Kelly Ripa: No, no, no! No, Regis isn’t dead!

Antonio Banderas: No, then we are committing adultery?

Kelly Ripa: No, Regis is retiring from the show, and the hosts DON’T have sex!

Antonio Banderas: Ah. Then I must go and find sex elsewhere. Goodbye, my flower. [ he exits ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay, who’s next?

Gelman: Uh — that’s everyone, Kelly.

Kelly Ripa: You know what I just realized, Gelman? Maybe the BEST co-host would be the person who’s been here since the very beginning! The person who knows the show inside and out!

Gelman: [ touched ] Really?

Kelly Ripa: That’s right! It’s time to bring back Kathie Lee!

[ suddenly, Kathie Lee zooms in a power scooter and honks at Kelly ]

Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m baaaaack! [ she pulls out a bottle of wine ] No, I’m not! [ she wheels off ]

[ cut to title animation ]

Announcer: “Kathie Lee and Kelly” — it’s what America wants!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress

Pete Kemper…..Jason Segel
Stacy Kemper…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on Pete & Stacy Kemper standing in their bedroom ]

Pete Kemper: Hi! I’m Pete Kemper, and I want to talk to you about a sleep revolution. [ he puts his arm around his wife ] Me and my wife, Stacy, we’ve been married so long… well, we both have our own routines.

Stacy Kemper: I go to bed early; he’s a night owl.

Pete Kemper: Absolutely! And here’s the good news: I’ll NEVER disturb Stacy’s sleep, thanks to my patented Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress. The only mattress that absorbs energy and does not transfer motion, even inches away. Stacy will sleep soundly, no matter what I’m doing.

Pete Kemper V/O: Whether it’s: rolling dice… [ reveal msturbatory posture ] adjusting the change in my pajama pockets… [ reveal masturbatory posture ] exercising… [ reveal masturbatory posture close-up, then reveal exercise equiment ] making coffee using a Frendh press… [ reveal masturbatory posture ] or even doing the worm.

Stacy Kemper: With the Me Time mattress, I get a deep sleep, without any of that weird squeaking that used to wake me up.

Pete Kemper: [ laughing it off ] I know! What was that?

Stacy Kemper: It’s great!

Pete Kemper: Listen: Try my famous Italian Dinner Test.

Pete Kemper V/O: …where I put a glass of Chianti on one side of the bed and pound pizza dough in my lap on the other side. [ reveal masturbaotry posture ] See? The wine doesn’t spill no matter how hard I pound. I can pound that dough for six to eight minutes until I can’t take it any more and I… am… spent!

Pete Kemper: Hey! Who’s ready to eat?

[ they laugh ]

Pete Kemper: So if you and your spouse have your own routines, do yourself a favor and get a Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress.

[ reveal masturbatory image of Pete elongating an object that turns out to be a telescope ]

Pete Kemper V/O: Buy one today, and get a special laptop shade that shields the brightness of a laptop computer, so you can take it to bed any time.

[ reveal Pete in bed with laptop and laptop shade, Googling porn and masturbating ]

Pete Kemper V/O: The Kemper-Pedic Me Time mattress. Because you need some me time.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Jason Segel’s Monologue

…..Jason Segel
…..Kermit The Frog (Steve Whitmire)
…..Miss Piggy (Eric Jacobson)
…..Fozzy Bear (Eric Jacobson)
…..The Great Gonzo (Dave Goelz)
…..Scooter (David Rudman)
…..Statler & Waldorf (Steve Whitmire, Dave Goelz)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jason Segel!

Jason Segel: Thank you, thanks, thank you guys so much! Wow! Oh, my God! I mean, I am SO excited to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I gotta be totally honest, like, the one thing I was really nervous about for tonight was this monologue, ’cause I just have no idea what to say. Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I thought maybe I would sing a song about the way I feel instead? [ the audience cheers excitedly ] I hope there’s a piano behind me. [ he looks ] Oh! Fantastic! Alright, let’s do it.

[ he sits behind the piano and blows into his fists ]

Um — I can’t believe it, but two dreams have come true for me this year: I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and I just made a movie with The Muppets.

Kermit The Frog: Yes, you did!

[ Kermit and Miss Piggy suddenly surround Segel at the piano, as the audience cheers ]

Jason Segel: Guys! What are you doing here?

Kermit The Frog: Well, Jason, where else would we be?

Jason Segel: Well, I was just about to sing a song. I don’t know, would you guys care to join me?

Kermit The Frog: Sure! Let’s get the others! Guys, come on in!

[ the other Muppets join them, as the audience cheers wildly ]

Jason Segel: I didn’t expect you all to be here. Okay, uh — great! 3… 4! [ he starts playing the piano ]

Kermit The Frog: Ooh! That’s what you call a bouncy B-flat!

Jason Segel: That’s right, Kermit.

Kermit The Frog: Very nice!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“I believe in shooting stars.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…and I believe in wishing wells.”

Kermit The Frog: Very nice!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
…and I beleive in Santa Claus
But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]
“No, we can’t believe we’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Guys?

Kermit The Frog: Yeah?

Miss Piggy: Yes? What is it?

Jason Segel: Well, you know what? Never mind. Let’s just go back to the song.

Kermit The Frog: Okay! Beautiful!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“Well, I believe in four-leafed clovers.”

Fozzy Bear: Top of the morning!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…and I believe in magic spells.”

Kermit The Frog: Abracadabra!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…I believe that pigs can fly.”

Miss Piggy: First Class!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]
“It’s so great that we’re hosting SNL!
As a group, we are hosting SNL!
Yes, The Muppets are hosting SNL!”

[ The Muppets cheer themselves on ]

Jason Segel: You like that idea? Um, guys? I’m starting to worry about something.

Kermit The Frog: Gee, have you considered taking Flomax?

Jason Segel: No, it’s not that. Why would I need Flomax? No, guys, I’m just starting to worry that you think we’re all hosting this together.

Miss Piggy: Oh, well — are we not?

Jason Segel: No.

Miss Piggy: Huh?

Jason Segel: No, Piggy, it’s just me, really…

Kermit The Frog: Oh, gee, Jason. I guess we just thought since we all did a movie together…

[ The Muppets all murmur their agreement ]

Jason Segel: We did. But they usually just pick one of the stars of the movie.

Miss Piggy: [ offended ] Ah! Excuuuuse moi?!

Kermit The Frog: No, no, no, no! Listen, it makes PERFECT SENSE that they would pick Jason, Piggy. I mean, when people go to a MUppet movie, they say: “Gee — I can’t wait to see the HUMAN!”

Jason Segel: You know what? Hey, let’s just get back to the song. Okay?

Scooter: Sure. Whatever.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“I believe in Goldilocks.”

Kermit The Frog: [ sarcastic ] I bet you do.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…I believe that Humpty fell.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, right!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…I believe in Mother Goose.”

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, I guess.

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“But I can’t beleive I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]
“We also can’t believe you’re hosting SNL!
Why would anyone let you host SNL?
This is crazy that you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? You know what? Guys, uh…

The Great Gonzo: What?

Jason Segel: You know, there’s a perfectly good reason why I’m hosting and not you.

Kermit The Frog: Oh, yeah?

Fozzy Bear: Namely?

Jason Segel: [ mimicking ] Namely? Well, I mean, for one — half of you guys aren’t even wearing PANTS!

Kermit The Frog: Heeeey! Come on!

Rolf: That’s hitting below the belt, buddy!

Jason Segel: I’m sorry… I’m sorry.

Kermit The Frog: Yeah, well, you know we try to keep that a secret!

The Great Gonzo: Well… [ he lifts a bag up, and a chicken pops its head out ] I guess the cat’s out of the bag. [ the chicken clucks ] Time to go back in the bag.

Jason Segel: Okay, you know what? forget what I just said. Listen: Maybe hey just picked me because they think — THEY think —

Kermit The Frog: Yeah?

Jason Segel: — that I’m a more versatile performer and that Ican handle a variety show.

Kermit The Frog: Gee, Jason! Maybe you haven’t heard me do my celebrity impressions! You know that I do a GREAT Ray Romano!

Miss Piggy: Mmm-hmm!

The Great Gonzo: Yea! Do Ray! Do Ray!

Kermit The Frog: [ he clears his throat ] “Hi ho! I am Ray Romano! Yayyyyyyy!!”

[ the other Muppets cheer the impression ]

Jason Segel: All of your impressions are you just saying the person’s name in your own voice.

Scooter: Uh — uh — Jason? Jason, with all due respect… The Muppets have been part of “Saturday Night Live” since 1975!

Kermit The Frog: That’s true! That’s true! Look at that! See here?

[ reveal image of Gilda Radner and Scred ]

Jason Segel: Wow. I guess you guys really were here from the beginning?

Kermit The Frog: The very beginning.

The Great Gonzo: I mean, we knew Lorne Michaels when he still said “Aboot”.

Kermit The Frog: That’s right! That’s right!

Miss Piggy: one word he still can’t say — “Residual”!

Kermit The Frog: That’s true. That’s true.

Jason Segel: You know what, Muppets? Listen: I owe you an apology. I mean… this is a big night for me, though, and I was just kind of hoping I could have your support.

The Muppets: I don’t think so… No, not tonight… Not happening!

Jason Segel: You can come to the After Party.

The Muppets: Ohhhhhh!! Yes!! Yes!!

Jason Segel: So! 3… 4!
[ singing ]
“I believe in talking bears.”

Fozzy Bear: Wakka wakka!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“…and I believe in weirdos, too.”

The Great Gonzo: Well, thank you!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“And I believe that pigs are sexy.”

Miss Piggy: Spoken for!

Jason Segel: [ singing ]
“But I can’t believe I’m hosting SNL.”

The Muppets: [ singing ]
“We’re so happy that you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: Thanks, guys!

The Muppets: [ singing ]
“You’ll be amazing when you’re hosting SNL!”

Jason Segel: I’ll do my best!

The Muppets: [ singing ]
“Yes, we love you and you’re hosting SNL!”

Kermit The Frog: Nice!

[ the audience cheers ]

Miss Piggy: Who’s the musical guest?

Jason Segel: The musical guest? The musical guest is Florence + The Machine.

Miss Piggy: Oh! Oh!

[ cut to Statler and Waldorf in the audience ]

Statler: Hmm… I hope Florence brought a time machine.

Waldorf: Why?

Statler: So we can go back to before we heard that song!

[ they laugh and choke on their laughter ]

[ return to Home Base ]

Jason Segel: Stick around! We’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7

11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Deborah Singer…..Kristen Wiig
Campaign Aide #1…..Taran Killam
Campaign Aide #2…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: And now a message from the Committee to Elect Mitt Romney.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney sitting on his desk ]

Mitt Romney: Hello! Hi there! Hi there, America, you know me — I’m Mitt Romney, candidate for President and the current leader in the polls for the Republican nomination. But you don’t hear much about me in the news, because the other candidates, like Herman Cain and Rick Perry, are hogging all the headlines with sex scandals and whoopsie-daisies! That’s why my staff and I decided that I was too boring, and there fore I should become 15 to 17% more edgy. So tonight, Mitt Romney is really gonna let loose! Get ready for Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

[ show graphic slide: “MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED” ]

[ Romney unbuttons his suit jacket and smiles ]

Mitt Romney: Because just like Herman Cain, I got a whole heap of skeletons in my closet as well. In fact, sometimes I open my closet and I think: “Is this the graveyard?” Because there’s so many skeletons inside! [ he laughs ] Was there a sex scandal in my past? Could be. Could be. Why don’t we ask one of my former employees — Deborah Singer?

[ Deborah Singer enters ]

Deborah Singer: Hey, Mr. Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ casual cool ] Hel-lo, Deborah! So, Deborah, without getting too graphic, did I ever treat you in a way that, you know, might be construed by some of those prudes out there as sexual harrassment?

Deborah Singer: [ shaking her head ] Nope.

Mitt Romney: Nothing?

Deborah Singer: [ thinking ] Nope.

Mitt Romney: I never made a comment about your clothing?

Deborah Singer: You said I was a sharp dresser.

Mitt Romney: [ excited ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Over the line! Over the line! Man, keep me away from the ladies, because I’m a real dog — bark, bark!

[ Deborah slinks away slowly ]

Mitt Romney: [ laughing, as he buttons his jacket back up ] This is making me uncomfortable, actually… Now the media’s gonna have a FIELD DAY with that, okay? But, hey — that’s just Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

[ show graphic slide: “MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED” ]

Mitt Romney: Another thing you might not know about Mitt Romney, is that I have a real doozy of a temper. Sometimes I just go OFF! Like yesterday, one of my aides brought me a lukewarm tea, and I just yelled at him. I said, “Stop that! Don’t! Please.” Alright? I just threw the tea right down the sink, and I rinsed out that cup!

Now, Rick Perry and Herman Cain are also getting attention for flubbing some straightforward policy questions. So I’ve planned my ,i>own embarrassing mistake. Here it is.

[ campaign aide steps forward ]

Campaign Aide #1: Governor Romney? What would be your first act as President?

Mitt Romney: Well, if elected President, my first act would be to repeal Obama Hair. Oooooops! I mean, Obama Care! [ he laughs ] What an endearing flub! That mistake is sure to haunt my campaign, but also humanize me. Thanks, Jeff!

[ campaign aide walks away shaking his head ]

Mitt Romney: Typical of Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed!

[ show graphic slide: “MITT ROMNEY RAW & UNLEASHED” ]

Mitt Romney: Hey — let’s answer some fan mail, shall we? [ he grabs a letter ] Alright, let’s see — ooh! This first one’s written in lipstick! “Dear Mitt: I noticed you have a vacation home in San Diego.” That’s true. “Are you worried that people will think you’re too “Hollyowod”, that you’re all sex appeal and no substance?” Yes, I worry about that very much. I really do. That question was from my wife… Ann Romney. Alright… okay, here. [ he picks up another letter ] This next one’s from my eldest son — Taggert. “You were Governor of Massachusetts. That must have ROCKED, huh, Father?” [ he kisses the letter ] I love that kid! Yes, Taggery! It very much, indeed, did rock. Yeah. It rocked harder than a Josh Groban concert!

And, finally, speaking of some rock ‘n roll, I’d like to put on a leather jacket, just to show you how edgy I really am. [ he removes his jacket as a Black campaign aide brings him a leather jacket ] Alright, thank you, My Man! [ the aide shakes his head and walsk away, as Romney changes into the leather jacket ] Oh, it’s heavy! [ he smiles ] There you go! Don’t I look comfortable and natural? I should. As you get to know me, I think you’ll find that “Danger” is my middle name. Actually, my middle name’s “Mitt”. You know, my first name is “Willard”. Yeah. So, actually, I guess it’s “Willard Mitt “DANGER” Romney”, JD, MBA! Alright?

I’ll see y’all on the campaign trail. “Live form New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!”

SNL Transcripts