Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 1
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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories:
President Obama, on Monday, defended his new proposed tax rate for millionaires, saying: “This is not class warfare, it’s math.” Which is unfortunate, since America is way better at warfare than math.
During a speech in New York on Tuesday, Governor Rick Perry criticized President Obama’s stance toward Israel, calling it “naïve, arrogant, misguided and dangerous.” Which is odd because I thought that was Perry’s campaign slogan.
On Tuesday, which was the day that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” officially ended, Marine officials went to gay community centers to recruit new troops. Gay community centers? Oh! Gyms! They went to gyms.
Facebook, on Thursday, announced a major change to its interface called “Timeline,” which will let users share pictures and videos in real time. Because we’ve all been thinking: “Come at me FASTER, other peoples’ sonograms!”
British consumers say they are confused by new terms the fashion industry is using these days, such as “spants” and “swacket”. While American consumers are confused by fashion terms like “medium” and “small”.
Forbes released their annual list of the 400 richest Americans, with Bill Gates at the top of the list with $59 billion. Man, it really is amazing how much money you can save when you cut your own hair!
Seth Meyers: Well, it’s Fall… and here to talk about what’s exciting at the movies this season, is an old friend — Mr. Tony Bennett!
Tony Bennett: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hit it, fellas!
[ big band music begins to play ]
[ singing ]
“I like things that are great!
Movies are fantastic!
But one thing’s for sure —
I like flicks… that are greaaaaaat!
Yeah!”
Thank you! Thank you! Thanks a whole helluva lot! Seth, what a great, great desk!
Seth Meyers: Well, you know, uh — welcome to “Weekend Update”, Tony!
Tony Bennett: Seth, you look great. You were a suit like Marilyn wore a dress — everything’s pooling in the right place!
Seth Meyers: Ah, thanks! I worked out a lot this summer with Anderson Cooper.
Tony Bennett: That guy has got SNOW on the roof, and FIRE in the oven!
Seth Meyers: [ shaking it off ] I understand you like going to the movies.
Tony Bennett: Seth, let me tell you: Sitting in the dark next to a pretty girl sporting a great shape, and scarfing down some CHARLESTON CHEWS! Call me a happy clam!
Seth Meyers: So who is your favorite actor these days?
Tony Bennett: That Ryan Gosling sure is the toast of the town. But you know who I’d love to see on the Silver Screen again? JOHN GARFIELD! He left us too soon when he croaked on top of a chick-for-hire. He was a great, great, Jewish leading man. I used to call him my HE-BRO!
Seth Meyers: So what are your favorite films — what are your favorite films so far this Fall?
Tony Bennett: Well, one movie that is really knocking it out of the park… is “CONTAGION”!
Seth Meyers: Oh, that one looks good. Is it scary?
Tony Bennett: Oh, I jumped once or twice, but there was a stray tuxedo tomcat running under the seats and he really scared the BEJEEBUS BECHRISTMAS out of me! He was a great, great cat. I wanted to SNATCH HIM UP!! I hope he found a home.
Seth Meyers: [ confused ] So… “Contagion” is good or bad?
Tony Bennett: I’ll tell you — I’ll tell you, Seth, what the scariest one out there right now — “WAIT UNTIL DARK”!! Audrey Hepburn is STONE-COLD BLIND!! I dated a blind girl way back when — she had a SEEING-EYE MYNA BIRD!! It just sat on her shoulder and told her where to go! Bobby Darin and I once played a joke on her: He wore my cologne, and I watched them slow-dance and had to giggle into my dinner! She was as blind as a bat with a blindfold on, but, boy, that gal could dance! She was a great, great blind woman.
Hey, Seth! Hold that thought about Bobby Darin and me tag-teaming that poor sightless lady… [ he holds up a product ] I gotta toast our sponsor: POISE PADS!! You know, sometimes — sometimes when gals get older, they have trouble in the Number One Department. That’s why POISE PADS from KIMBERLY CLARK are just what the doctor ordered. When you got a DRIBBLE IN YOUR TRIBBLE!! I once had a woman come up to me after a concert at the Mohegan Sun, and I looked down and her culottes were DRENCHED!! Seth… Seth…
Seth Meyers: Yeah?
Tony Bennett: Seth, I took the woman to the Urgent Care to give her bladder a look-see — six hours later, the doctor walked in and said, “Mr. Bennett… it’s a boy.”
Seth Meyers: Are there any other movies you’ve seen? Like in the 2000’s?
Tony Bennett: I love the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of “STORAGE WARS”!!
Seth Meyers: That’s a TV show.
Tony Bennett: And I love “The Smurfs”.
Seth Meyers: Okay.
Tony Bennett: I haven’t seen one go that blue since I went to BARBARA & DON RICKLES’ HOUSE for THANKSGIVING!! He gave the turkey lady-doctor exam, and I laughed ’til I cried! Then I just cried tears of joy, because that’s the holiday that always gets me, Seth. ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!
Seth Meyers: The great Tony Bennett, everybody!
Patti Stanger, the star of Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker,” said this week that New York City women are “wound tight” and that they should “loosen up.” Oh, sure, but when I say it, I’m “harassing the dancers”.
A man in Minnesota was arrested for allegedly stealing Freon from a neighbor’s air conditioner and inhaling the chemical to get high. I don’t know where in Minnesota this was, but I’m guessing Rock Bottom.
An artist in England is selling jewelry crafted from human hair. She says the jewelry is just a way to support herself while she pursues her true passion: murdering people for hair.
A crew member on the new “Charlie’s Angels” show was fired Wednesday after he smacked star Minka Kelly on her rear end. In his defense, she had just done a really good job.
Ted Haggard, the disgraced Evangelical pastor who admitted to having a homosexual affair, is set to appear on a new ABC reality series “Celebrity Wife Swap.” Haggard signed on to the show before he found out you have to swap your wife for another wife.
PETA announced plans this week to launch a new porn website to help raise awareness about veganism by mixing images of naked woman and animal suffering. The worst part is at least one guy somewhere heard that and went “Finally! Yes!”
Several supermarket chains around the country have begun phasing out the self-service checkout machines, after studies showed that human cashiers were faster. And if you had asked me which humans would finally defeat the Machines, I would not have guessed supermarket cashiers.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
Air Date:
Summary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Autumn season with a performance by Eugene Duelox (Taran Killam), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) and her muscular cousin Gert (Melissa McCarthy).
Summary: Melissa McCarthy enlists help from Kristen Wiig to show off a series of perfect dance moves.
Summary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.
Summary: Desperate Arlene (Melissa McCarthy) hits on Tim (Jason Sudeikis) at the office and sends flowers and balloons to herself with hopes of making him jealous.
Summary: Cops (Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) find solitude in their desk work by listening for musical sounds at the office and opening fire on members of the Blue Man Group (Fred Armisen, Paul Brittain).
Summary: Formerly anonymous Internet posters (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Melissa McCarthy) relive their snarky comments and are confronted by one of their online targets (Nasim Pedrad).
Summary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.
Summary: Gaddafi’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) whisper more secrets about him while attempting to praise their friendship with him. Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) comments on his status as the richest entertainer on the Forbes’ list.
Summary: As part of a focus group sampling new Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing flavors, Linda (Melissa McCarthy) desperately tries to get her opinions of the production heard and recorded.
Summary: Film raconteur Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents a series of clips featuring 1930’s actress Lulu Diamonds (Melissa McCarthy) repeatedly falling down stairs in rapidly-produced romantic comedies.
Summary: Don (Andy Samberg) tries to pick up Lana (Melissa McCarthy) in a bar, despite receiving a barrage of complaints from all of his past conquests while in the process.
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.
Summary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) desperately tries to keep the press interested in his bid for the Republican nomination, but they’re saddened by the news that Chrie Christie (Bobby Moynihan) has decided not to run.
Summary: Famished from not eating al day because of Yom Kippur, Ben Stiller is treated to a delightful array of Jewish foods by the Jewish Willy Wonka (Andy Samberg).
Summary: Financial investor (Jason Sudeikis) meets up with his future self and agrees to a make-out session.
Summary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements and follow up on their earlier interview with a rowdy Hank Williams, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: Financial investor (Bill Hader) meets up with his future self and is grossed out by the prospect of a make-out session prior to his own suicide.
Summary: Hugh Jackman (Andy Samberg) interviews more fellow actors who have tackled film roles that reveal two different sides of their personas.
Summary: “V-Neck”.
Summary: Hank Williams, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis) sings “All My Rowdy Friends” variant with the SNL Band as the show segues to a commercial.
Summary: Put on the spot to explain her craft, party planner Nan Washingtom (Kristen Wiig) can only think of pancake-themed party ideas. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines more inappropriate New York City clubs and introduces male model Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller).
Summary: At Halloween party, office workers (Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) are enamored by Shana (Kristen Wiig) until she goes overboard with her sexy-gross party enjoyment techniques.
Summary: Financial investor (Ben Stiller) meets up with his future transgendered self and agrees to a make-out session.
Summary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Columbus Day rock festival that features a low-key performance by spiritual advisor Eckhart Tolle (Ben Stiller).
Summary: A video collection of Bruce Springsteen (Ben Stiller) telling the mundane stories behind his songs.
Summary: In a new movie trailer, a baseball coach (Taran Killam) improves the performance of his team by agreeing to let a dealer (Ben Stiller) inject them with steroids.
