Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Gays in Space

Space Creature…..Will Forte
Billiam…..Fred Armisen
Thad…..Chris Parnell
Givindy…..Kenan Thompson
Captain Trip Bunchkin…..Peter Sarsgaard
Maitre D’…..Bill Hader
Loretta…..Rachel Dratch
Judine…..Paula Pell
Lesbian…..Tina Fey
Ex-Boyfriend…..Finesse Mitchell
Paolo…..Jason Sudeikis
Pegasus Man…..Seth Meyers

[open on LOGO network logo with title: “Unbiased and Out”]

Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching LOGO, unbiased and out. At ten, “Kathy Griffin Live,” followed by an original LOGO feature, “False Positive,” starring Dan Pintauro. But first, “Gays in Space.”

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in black and silver 1970’s leisure wear-esque outfit while techno beat plays]

Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.

Male Chorus: Five.

Space Creature: Say what?

Male Chorus: Four.

Space Creature: Nuh-uh.

Male Chorus: Three.

Space Creature: Go ahead.

Male Chorus: Two.

Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick?

Male Chorus: One.

Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!

[dissolve to exterior of spacecraft with pink title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode Three,” “What on Earth is this all about, because that girl got all up in my business and is not her problem anyway”]

[spacecraft pulls up to an airlock in a space station as it opens to admit them]

Billiam: [voice over] Reduce thrusters.

Thad: [voice over] Reducing.

Givindy: [voice over] Be careful! We have landed.

[dissolve to interior of space station with four crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents]

Trip: Here we are, boys. My favorite space bar in the entire universe: Urge.

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: Urge!

[they turn and enter a doorway to an establishment where a muscular, half-naked man covered in silver paint is dancing]

Maitre D’: Do you have reservations?

Givindy: Oh, you know, I have so many, but I am still gonna drink here!

Maitre D’: I’m sorry, but there’s not a lot of room.

Thad: Well, how about in the back? [he points]

Maitre D’: Oh, it’s pretty tight back there.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Maitre D’: You’re not getting in here.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Trip: Move! [pushes to the front of the group] Let a real queen handle this. Listen up! You see this curl? [points to the curl at the front of his hairdo] When I get pissy, it starts to shake. And nobody wants to see that, because that will mean I’m a-boust to go off!

Maitre D’: Captain Trip Bunchkin?

Trip: Yeah.

Maitre D’: Oh, my God, I didn’t recognize you with that noodle curl. Please, come here, come in, come in. [he gestures them in]

Trip: Mmm-hmmm, that’s more like it. Show us where we can plop it, and get out.

[they are shown to a table in a corner, where they stand and call out to people not seen by the audience]

Billiam: Sharpshak-1, nice future boots. Hello.

Givindy: Oh, Globin, hey! You lost weight in your faces.

Thad: Tral! Tral! [he waves] Why is Tral acting like he doesn’t know me?

Trip: Oh, my God, here comes Loretta. [Loretta, a masculine woman with a mullet, wearing plaid and a vest, enters, accompanied with two similar women] Maybe she won’t see us. Oh, she did. Loretta! Get your little butt over here. What’s doing, ‘Retta?

Loretta: Well, me and the ladies just bought some land nearby on Planet Vaginoris.

Lesbian: We’re making our own soy-based soap up there. You guys should really check it out.

Givindy: Uh, you guys need to get a mirror and check yourselves out, because this fashion rocket [makes a finger squiggle] has failed to launch. [laughs] Okay! Did I just say that? Ooh, I’m sorry.

Billiam: [laughing] Are you trying to get us killed?

Loretta: Hey, at least we don’t get space botox.

Thad: Um, at least we’re not having a bad hair year.

[the third lesbian struggles to throw some punches, while Loretta and the other lesbian who spoke pull her back and away]

Loretta: It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.

[a minor chord sounds]

Trip: Oh! I’m about to have a full-on nervous breakdown, full-on. My ex-boyfriend just walked in. [a man in a black and silver suit enters with a younger man with spiky hair, visor shades, and a muscle tee-shirt] Everybody pretend we’re having a good time. Laugh really loud.

[all laugh]

Givindy: Oh, you are so funny. You are so funny.

[the two men approach]

Ex-Boyfriend: Trip, I almost didn’t recognize you. You got fat! [giggles]

Trip: Don’t you get me started, you vicious, vicious man!

Ex-Boyfriend: Zip it! This is my new boy-toy, Paolo.

Trip: Where’s he from, Uranus?

Ex-Boyfriend: [shouting] You miss it!

[other crewmen murmer]

Thad: She is much unhappy about this.

Trip: Hey, ass-chin, this drink’s on you! [throws his drink on Paolo]

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, you didn’t. [He rears up to jump at Trip] Oh, no, you– [Givindy shoots him with a ray gun and he freezes] Oh, you just gonna freeze me? That’s what you did? You just freeze me. You just gonna freeze me. You just so tired, I can’t stand you. [Trip forces Givindy’s hand down and he is unfrozen] Come on, Paolo, let’s get out of this nasty old star system. We are much, much better than this!

Paolo: Does my chin really look like an ass?

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, baby, it’s cute. I like that. Ass is good. Come with me.

Trip: Boys, as your captain, I order you to get back on the ship, because our R&R has just turned into D&D: drama and disaster.

[the get up and start to head for the door, but are stopped by a man with white, feathered wings and wearing black leather, accompanied by two others of same]

Pegasus Man: Excuse me. We’re from the planet Pegasus. Here are some space fliers for a party we’re hosting on our planet.

[he hands a flier to Billiam, who shows it to the others]

Billiam: Oh, let me see this. Mud baths. Oil massage. DJ Luscious–I like him. He’s great.

Thad: Um, does everyone on your planet look like you?

: No. They are bigger, sweatier, and naked-er.

Trip: And I wouldn’t want to go there, why?

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: To Planet Pegasus!

[all four put their hands together in the middle and lift them with a “Woo!”]

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from left]

Space Creature: Ooh-ooh / Outer space. / Mmm-mmm / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Whoah-oh-oh / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing better than Jupiter. / Ooh-oh-oh / Gays in Space.

[zoom into landscape above space creatures’s head, and pink title: “Gays in Space.”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Goodnights

…..Peter Sarsgaard

Peter Sarsgaard: Ladies and gentlemen – special thanks to The Strokes! Drew Barrymore – yeah! And the cast of crew of “Saturday Night Live.” Good night, everybody! And Sundance – I’m glad I’m not there!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

An SNL Digital Short

Doug Brogar…..Jason Sudeikis
Young Chuck Norris…..Andy Samberg
Extras…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, Jorma Taccone, Amy Poehler

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to music video performed by Doug Brogar – close-up of Doug’s face on left side of the screen, with a long shot of him on stage on the right. Credits appear: “Doug Brogar – “#4: Young Chuck Norris” – Kung Fu Heros 1-12 – Dir. Doug Brogar” ]

Doug Brogar: [ spoken ]
“Legend has it he walks among us even now
A dreamer alone in a world between dreams and reality
Was he always a fighter?
Was he always a hero?
What do we make of the young Chuck Norris?”

[ the words bounce on the screen, as image of the young Chuck Norris appears next to Doug ]

Doug Brogar: [ singing ]
“Norris used his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with Mr. Bruce Lee
A master of kara-ta-ta-tee
And he kicked and he flipped some more
Back to Vietnam to settle the score
Don’t forget “Walker, Texas Ranger”
When he kicked and he punched his way from danger.

[ slower ]
But hey let’s turn back time to younger days (younger days)
Before all of the fame and mind games (mind games)
His deeds were no less great then
A man among other men
The legend of young Chuck Norris, yeah!

[ a mugger steals a woman’s purse, so Chuck jumps in and punches the mugger and the woman ]

[ up-tempo ]
Young Norris used his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet
He also ran and he jumped in the air
He was younger so he didn’t even care
Way before his Hollywood fame
He slapped and punched and he saw the famed name
He was known as Master Chuck
His last name was Norris and his first name was Chuck.

Round house kick (Chuck Norris)
Death hold grip (Chuck Norris)
Mustache lip (Chuck Norris)
Tender kiss (Chuck Norris)

[ slower ]
Fathers, let your daughters know
Dreams may come and dreams may go
But a man like Norris never dies
He lives forever in the children’s eyes.

[ up-tempo ]
Young Chuck Norris, this is my tribute to thee (to thee)
Live on great warrior into eternity (eternity)
Yeah, yeah!”

[ as the video finishes, Doug and young Chuck Norris hold their hands high in the air together, as Norris fades from existence. Doug looks over, as his American flag handkerchief falls to the stage ]

Submitted by: Daniel Solzman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

National Security Agency

Helen…..Amy Poehler
Peg…..Rachel Dratch
NSA Agent…..Peter Sarsgaard
Other NSA Agent…..Jason Sudeikis

[open on seal of the National Security Agency, with inspiring percussion music and scrolling title of voice over]

Narrator: Since 2003, the NSA has courageously and illegally monitored the phone calls of countless Americans. This is their story.

[dissolve to Peg, an elderly woman, picking up a telephone and placing a call]

[the phone rings on the other end, and the screen splits to show a second elderly woman, Helen, putting on her glasses and picking up the phone]

Helen: Hello?

Peg: Helen, it’s Peg.

Helen: Oh, Peg, how are you?

Peg: Oh, you know, Helen, not good, but that’s the best I can expect these days.

Helen: Tell me about it. How are the kids?

Peg: Oh, if they would call, I would tell you. What about your Alan; have you heard from him?

Helen: Yes, and get this: he dropped a real bomb on us.

[screen splits again to show an NSA agent between the two ladies, lestening in with headphones]

Peg: [gasps] A bomb? What sort of bomb?

Helen: Well, Peg, it’s quite a bomb. He tells Stanley and I that he’s moving to Dallas.

Peg: [gasps] Dallas? That far away?

[NSA agent sighs and presses a button, and his panel closes]

Helen: I know. Now we’ll never see the grandkids.

Peg: [scoffs] Well, part of me envies you. Don’t ever say I said this, but the last time the grandkids came to visit us, they were holy terrors.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he listens intently]

Helen: Mmm, holy terrors? How?

Peg: The two of them are always plotting and planning. They’re just evil!

[the NSA agent beckons to a second agent ]

Helen: Well, they’re family, Peg.

Peg: Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love them, Helen. I’m gonna support them, send them money when they need it.

Helen: How old are they now?

Peg: Sam is four and Jeremy is six.

[the NSA agents shake their heads and their panel closes]

Helen: Mmm, adorable.

Peg: Hmmm, how old are yours?

Helen: Nine, eleven.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he nods and summons the second agent again, mouthing “nine eleven”]

Peg: Nine and eleven. They grow up so fast.

Helen: Oh, they do. So, Peg, how is Henry?

[the NSA agents shake their heads again and their panel closes]

Peg: Oh, he’s good. Ooh! I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but since you’re my oldest friend, Henry just got a stock tip.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he grabs a pen and a pad of paper]

Helen: Ooh, how about it. Are you serious?

Peg: Yes. Let me just find where I put it. [she begins sorting through pieces of mail] Okay, where is this thing?

Helen: So, we went to the movies last week.

Peg: Oh, what did you see?

Helen: Uh, the cowboy movie, where the cowboys are in love.

Peg: Oh! Yeah, I’ve heard of this. What’s it called?

Helen: Oh, it’s, uh, oh, what is it?

Peg: Something on the Range?

Helen: No, no, Mountain something.

Peg: Oh, yeah, Mountain Men.

Helen: Yeah, mountain…no, that’s not it. Is it Back to the Mountain?

Peg: No, that’s not it.

NSA Agent: [impatiently] Yeah, it’s Brokeback Mountain!

Peg: Brokeback Mountain, that’s it.

Helen: That is it.

Peg: Oh, oh, oh! I found it. I found it.

Helen: Okay, Peg, shoot!

Peg: Okay, it is something called I-B-M.

Helen: [writing it down] Okay. Now, what do they do?

[the NSA agent starts to write it down, but upon realizing that it is the well-known company IBM, he crumples the paper and removes his headphones in disgust]

Peg: Who knows?

Helen: Well, I’ll tell you Peg, this new Medicare plan is a disgrace.

Peg: I know. Are we still on to blow up the White House?

Helen: Yes, absolutely. Let’s go over the plans one last time.

Peg: Okay. Now, from what I understand…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11




Search Now:

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Pirate Convention

Red Beard Pete…..Will Forte
Ted…..Fred Armisen
Arthur…..Jason Sudeikis
Dinkins…..Andy Sandberg
Bartholomew…..Horatio Sanz
Pirate 1…..Bill Hader
Pirate 2…..Chris Parnell
…..Peter Sarsgaard

(Opens with a shot of the Holiday Inn hotel. Cut to anactivities board that reads: 1:00 Schwartz Bar Mitzvah4:00 Real Estate Seminar 7:30 Pirate Convention.Growling is heard and dissolves to room decorated withpirate stuff, big skull banner with cross bones. Agroup of about 10 guys dressed in authentic pirateattire. Eye patches, hats, bandannas, scarfs,wildhair, the whole 9 yards. Red beard Pete has a parroton his shoulder, he is at the podium)

Red Beard Pete:(gruff voice) Settle down, settle down,settle down. Ahoy! Maties! I welcome ye to the fourthannual pirate convention. I be your moderator RedBeard Pete. We first like to thank the good people ofthe Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. Notout first choice but there was no vacancy at ourfavorite hotel the Ritz Car-r-r-r-r-r-lton.

All pirates: CAR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RLTON!! ARRR-ARRR!!

Red Beard Pete: All right, now I would like to welcomemy first mate Dinkins to the stage for roll call.

(Dinkins steps up to the podium)

Dinkins: Roll call. A-r-rthur-r-r-r-r!

Arthur: AHOY!

Dinkins:Bar-r-r-r-r-rtholomew!

Bartholomew: Present and accounted for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Dinkins: Ted!

Ted: Here.

Red Beard Pete: All right, all right we don´t need aroll call. Ok, first order of business. Picking alocation for next year´s convention. Any ideas?

Bartholomew: AR-R-R-R-R-RKANSAS!!

Red Beard Pete: Maybe. Anyone else?

Pirate 1: MADAGASCAR-R-R-R-R-R!

Red Beard Pete: Nice one.

Dinkins: Boston.

Red Beard Pete: Hmmm, Boston? Kind of an odd choice.

Dinkins: Bear with me. We can drive there and when wearrive, we can PARK THE CA-R-R-R IN THEHAR-R-RVAR-R-R-RD YA-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

All pirates: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Red Beard Pete: Boston it is! All right, it be time tobring out our keynote speaker. I think you all will bepleased. Dinkins do the honors.

Dinkins: Aye. Joining us today is film and stagesta-r-r-r, Peter Sarsgaar-r-r-r-r-r-d!

All pirates: SARSGAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

(Actor Peter Sarsgaard walks up to the podium in suit and tie)

Red Beard Pete: Hello, Sarsgaa-r-r-r-r-rd!

Peter Sarsgaard: You can call me Peter.

Red Beard Pete: No, thank you.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, well it´s an honor to be here. Idon´t know a lot about pirate culture but when myagent told me about this convention I immediately saidyes. I´m always up for experiencing new things so Ihope to learn as much from you guys as you may fromme.

Red Beard Pete: Ok, time for Q/A. Ok, who will behaving a question for Sarsgaard?

Dinkins: Yes, yes. Do ye be knowing what the film “TheWedding Crashers” was rated?

Peter Sarsgaard: Not of the top of my head but I thinkthere was some nudity so maybe it was rated “R”?

All pirates: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!

Arthur: You worked with many talented actors over theyears. Have ye ever worked with cross dressingCorporal Klinger from “MASH”?

Peter Sarsgaard: You mean Jamie Farr?

All Pirates: FAAAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: No, I´ve never worked with him.

Arthur: Ok.

Bartholomew: What be the name of the best web site tosee people make love to barnyard animals?

Peter Sarsgaard: I don´t know. Umm, maybe animalloveclub.com?

Bartholomew: No, not that one. I was thinkingloveinthebarnyard.or-r-r-r-r-r-rg!!

All pirates: OO-R-R-R-R-R-RG!!!!

Bartholomew: Arr,(takes out notepad)what be the nameof that first one again?

Peter Sarsgaard: It´s animalloveclub.com.

Bartholomew: Animal,(writes on notepad)dot com, thank you.

Pirate 1: What be your favorite food chain thatspecializes in roast beef sandwiches?

Peter Sarsgaard:(sighs, catching on)Arby´s?

All pirates: A-R-R-R-R-R-RBY´S!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, ok, all right I think I seewhat´s going on here. You guys don´t know anythingabout me do you? The only reason you have me here isbecause my name has a bunch of “R” sounds in it.

Red Beard Pete: No way, Sarsgaar-r-r-d!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Really?

Red Beard Pete: We are big fans of what you do.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, name one thing I´ve done.(Lowmurmuring among pirates)See? I knew it!

Red Beard Pete: Well, umm…why don´t you name somestuff you´ve done?

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, how about “Jarhead”?

All pirates: JA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RHEAD!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Yeah, yeah ummm, “Garden State”?

All pirates: GA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RDEN STATE!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: “Boys don´t Cry”?

All pirates: Ummm,(very little enthusiasm)

Red Beard Pete: Sarsgaard, we be owing ye an apology.The only reason we brought you here is because you´reSarsgaard. Oh, and now is time for our musical number.Provided by your truly and Dinkins.

(Red Beard Pete and Dinkins recite along with theother pirates)

Everybody: A,B,C,D,E,F,G(Peter Sarsgaard joinsin)H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Pirates begin to smash bottles and glasses against the wall)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards

…..Peter Sarsgaard

[open on Peter Sarsgaard standing in front of a blue curtain, with light, twinkly music playing]

Peter Sarsgaard: Hi. I’m critically acknowledged actor Peter Sarsgaard [title: “Peter Sarsgaard, ‘Jarhead,’ ‘Garden State’], and today I’d like to talk to you about a very serious matter. We live in a world where we’re never sure where the next infectious disease will strike. Today, that disease is bird flu. [a graphic appears at the upper right of a rooster with title: “BIRD FLU”] Three years ago, that disease was SARS. [graphic changes to an Asian man wearing a cotton mask marked “SARS”] Do you remember that? I do. Because three years ago, I developed these. [the graphic disappears and he walks to a display of cotton masks] The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, the only commercially available SARS guard with my picture on it. [he has picked up a SARS guard with his picture and name on it] Now, normally I’d never try to take advantage of a terrible tragedy, but my name is Peter Sarsgaard; it was kind of a no-brainer. But the fact is that I now have several warehouses full of Peter Sarsgaard brand SARS guard. [dissolve to a warehouse with a banner: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards,” with his picture] Two hundred and fifty million of them, to be exact. [dissolve to Peter] Originally retailing for a hundred and twenty dollars–a price I now realize was obscenely high, they can now be had for the very reasonable price of five for a dollar. [a graphic appears showing “$120” crossed out in red, with 5/$1.00 written below it, and then disappears] Now, the Saarsgard SARS Guard is sixty percent effective against the SARS bacteria. [An animated graphic shows a human figure wearing a Sarsgaard SARS Guard, and a small red cloud of SARS in front of his face. The cloud shoots rays of SARS towards his mouth, and about half of the rays continue into the man’s lungs.] That’s sixty percent. That’s nearly ten percent more effective than the natural filters contained within the human lung. [gestures towards his chest] Now, I have to be honest. It’s been pretty difficult to sell these things. Not only will the AMA not certify the Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, they won’t even return my calls. I swore that I would never say this about anyone, but I hope that all those AMA turkeys get SARS. But I don’t want you to get SARS! Now, I made a terrible decision by getting involved with these SARS guards, but you might not be making a terrible decision by not getting involved with them today. [he suddenly looks perplexed, unsure of if he’s endorsed the product or not]

[dissolve to title screen with image of two SARS guards: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards”]

Narrator: The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard.

[a small box expands into the image of Peter Sarsguard in front of the blue curtain and sits in the lower left corner of the screen]

Peter Sarsgaard: [holding up a SARS guard] The only SARS guard with my face on it.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristen Wiig
Female Customer…..Amy Poehler
Manager…..Peter Saarsgard
Male Customer #1…..Kenan Thompson
Male Customer #2…..Chris Parnell

[open on exterior of store: “Target Greatland”]

[dissolve to interior with clerk waiting on a female customer]

Target Clerk: [with odd pronunciations of many words] Is this box of cherclates gonna be for a valentine?

Female Customer: Uh, ch-chocolates? No, no, it’s for my secretary.

Target Clerk: You know, we’ve gotten in a lot of really special items in for the Valentine hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, uh, no thanks. I’ll probably do that shopping in February.

Target Clerk: Oh, you know, January is the best month to shop. We have all-new merchandise in for Valentine’s, but we also have all those clearance items left over, you know, from the Christmas hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, I’m fine with what I have, but thank you.

Target Clerk: We have, for Valentine’s, some cherclate. It’s like a cherclate heart; it’s hollow, ’cause inside there’s a little necklace. It’s kind of like a gold. So the cherclate, you have that, but then that’s gone, but then they have the necklace; they can wear that all the time–it’s a whole other gift!

Female Customer: Oh, that’s very sweet.

Target Clerk: Oh, they’re marvellous! Oh, if only they came in a caramel, or a chopped aulmond!

Female Customer: You know, I really have to–

Target Clerk: What, what is this? [picks up a metallic tote from the customer’s cart] A metallic tote? Do we have more of these?

Female Customer: Uh, yeah. [she points] I think they’re over– [the clerk drops the tote and dashes away from the register] Where is she going? Excuse me, are you the manager?

Manager: [approaching and holding a cup of coffee] Uh, yes I am, but I’m on my break. Ooh, I wish I could help you.

Female Customer: Well, the sales clerk just ran off in the middle of ringing me up.

Manager: You know, I can’t really do anything about that. I’m on my break. [shrugs] I’m having a flavored coffee.

Female Customer: Is there anyone else that can help me?

Manager: You know what? No. Ooh, I’m so sorry for you right now.

Target Clerk: [returning with a metallic tote] Hallelujah! If I get invited to an Oscar party, I have a date. [finishes ringing up the purchases] That’ll be $62.12.

Female Customer: I’m sorry, all I have is a hundred. [hands the clerk a bill]

Target Clerk: Oh, I’ll have to check for the watermark. [holds the bill up to the light] IT’S LEGIT!!! [cheers with her fists]

[the clerk rings through the register and hands the customer her change]

Female Customer: Thank you. [exits]

Manager: I just have to say this out loud: I’ve having one of the best breaks of my career.

Male Customer #1: [arrives with a large box] Excuse me, I’d like to exchange this Toastmaster.

Target Clerk: Oh! I am not authorized to do a return.

Manager: Yeah, ooh, you’re gonna have to find a manager. [sighs]

Male Customer #1: But you’re the manager. I mean, that’s what your nametag says.

Manager: Yeah, but I’m on break. [whispers] And can I just tell you, it’s a good one. [regular voice] Ooh, you know, this flavored coffee–mmm–it gets better as it gets colder.

Male Customer #1: No, that’s all right. I’ll just exchange it at Wal-Mart. [hisses] That’s where I bought it anyway. [exits]

Manager: Oh, I don’t want this break to end.

[a second male customer approaches the register and lays a pillow sham on the conveyor]

Target Clerk: Oh! Well, look at how small your fingers are! If you and I were in a shoe-tying contest, I think I’d just have to leave. Well, what is this? An African-inspired pillow sham? Do we have more of these?

Male Customer #2: Yeah. [he points] They are– [the clerk drops the pillow sham and dashes away from the register] Wait! Where is that woman going?

Manager: Ooh, are you talking to me? See, I wasn’t listening, ’cause I’m on my break right now. Are you familiar with International Delight flavored coffee creams? Hmmm?

Male Customer #2: Yes.

Manager: Yes, but have you tried them?

Male Customer #2: No.

Manager: [giggles] I cannot wait to tell my sister how good this break was.

Target Clerk: [returning with a pillow sham] Eureka! I’m gonna lay this out across the back of my terlet. $21.12. [the customer produces a card] ATM?

Male Customer #2: Mmm-hmmm.

Target Clerk: Please enter in your secret code.

[the clerk and the manager turn away while the customer inputs his code]

Male Customer #2: I’m done.

[they both turn back around]

Target Clerk: APPROVED!!! [cheers with her fists] Just as a reminder, Valentine’s is just around the kerner.

Male Customer #2: Around the what?

Target Clerk: Around the kerner. Oh, you really don’t have much time. May I suggest some of our cherclates? We have stuffed teddy bears that are holding, like, a small bouquet.

Male Customer #2: No thank you.

Target Clerk: Oh, well we also have a scented candull. [customer exits] It’s a scented aphrodesiac candull. It’s called a love candull…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



















Bit Players:


February 4th, 2006

Steve Martin

Prince

None

Kelly Ripa

Alec Baldwin

Michael Anthony

Lorne Michaels

Jimmy Fallon

Scarlett Johansson

Brian Williams

Gideon Yago

Conan O’Brien

Tamar

Liz Cackowski
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: While initiating an affair with Kelly Ripa, Steve Martin pop a Viagra pill and learns that Alec Baldwin is hosting “SNL” tonight and will tie his record. Thus begins the short film, “The Sabotage of Baldwin”, as Steve – whose Viagra clock is ticking – rushes to Studio 8-H to defend his title, even if that means knocking Lorne Michaels out cold and dropping Alec’s body to the ice skating rink seven floors below.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph finally returns to the show following her maternity leave.

Note: Paula Pell officially returns to the writing staff after the sitcom “Thick & Thin” fails to get picked up as a midseason replacement.

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Now hosting SNL for the 14th time, Steve reflects back on an amusing incident from the first episode he hosted, if he could only remember when that was. He also shows off supposed photos of the original cast, then announces Maya Rudolph’s return to the show.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

A Teddy Bear Holding a HeartSummary: Not only is the little bear holding a heart available just about anywhere in the world, but, when used as a gift, it also shows that a man has put a lot of thought into his woman’s Valentine’s Day gift.

Transcript

OprahSummary: A similar scandal breaks out on oprah Winfrey’s (Maya Rudolph) show when Stone Freeman (Steve Martin), author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean”, is revealed to have written false memoirs.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Transcript

Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot AffordSummary: Buy the author’s (Chris Parnell) new book, and you’ll never go into debt by buying useless merchandise again.

Transcript

Hamas Celebration PartySummary: Steve Martin finds himself in the middle of a publicity conflict when he unknowingly agrees to perform stand-up at a Hamas rally, where the Hamas officials (Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers, Bill Hader) have mistaken him for an anti-Semite. But a gig’s a gig, and Steve is under contract to promote “The Pink Panther” through any means necessary.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Gary (Steve Martin) runs into his old friend, Ben (Will Forte), and the two engage in an up-close, face-to-face conversation in a short film titled “Close Talkers.”

Note: Though Will Forte’s character is referred to as “Ben” throughout the short film, Steve Martin’s character calls him “Tim” at the very beginning.

Transcript

Quick Zoom TheatreSummary: The intensity of a dramatic scene is heightened by frequent quick zooms.

Transcript

Prince performs “A Woman Scorned”First Performed: 80k.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerNote: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler present the news alone, with no guest commentaries.

Super Bowl XL RehearsalsSummary: Musical performers Aaron Neville (Horatio Sanz), Aretha Franklin (Kenan Thompson) and Dr. John (Jason Sudeikis) are more interested in eating than rehearsing their numbers for the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin.

Transcript

Lorne’s OfficeSummary: Steve Martin rushes into Lorne Michael’s to tell him the buzz is that the ratings are through the roof, so he’d like more money for his hosting gig. Lorne won’t renegotiate, but will be happy to let the recovering Alec Baldwin or Jimmy Fallon assume Steve’s duties.

Transcript

Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) behaves in his usual eccentric way while welcoming his personal chef (Steve Martin) and Drew Barrymore (Kristin Wiig) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Drew Barrymore.

Note: Despite having the perfect opportunity when Fred Armisen mimed in front of the mirror, the real Prince did not make an appearance in the sketch.

State of the Galaxy 2145Summary: A glimpse to the year 2145 reveals that little has changed; on the contrary, things are just more intense: President George Q. Bush (Will Forte) talks about the sun’s dwindling energy supply during his State of the Galaxy address, and the new Category 5 levees in New Orleans are no match for a Category 12 hurricane battering the Gulf Coast.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Chris Matthews.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date endlessly rambles on about the minutiae of his life, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. Throughout his spiel, he’s discovered by a casting agent (Bill Hader), stars in a movie with Scarlett Johansson, hits the talk show circuit, and is eventually dumped back where he was found when his rambling finally annoys his manager (Chris Parnell).

Note: This digital short originally appeared in the dress rehearsals for episodes hosted by Scarlett Johansson and Peter Sarsgaard.

Transcript

SurfersSummary: Young surfers try to give the hint that middle-aged ? ? (Steve Martin) is not welcome in their group, but he just can’t seem to take a hint.

Transcript

Prince, featuring Tamar, performs “Beautiful Love (3121)”

Naturally CraftingSummary: Natural crafter Midge Harzinger (Rachel Dratch) makes it clear that she wants her guest, craftsman Jack Patrick (Steve Martin), to spend the night during a blizzard.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Monet’s HaystacksSummary: Claude Monet’s (Bill Hader) agent (Steve Martin) advises that he should paint other masterpieces besides haystacks.

Dad JokesSummary: Dad’s (Steve Martin) lamest jokes are all available in this new book.

Bank LoanSummary: A drunk couple (Steve Martin, Amy Poehler) try to get approved for a bankloan.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

A Teddy Bear Holding a Heart

Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Will Forte
Voice Over…..Kristen Wiig

[open on a couple walking through a park, depicted in muted tones, with string-heavy classical music playing]

Voice Over: This Valentine’s Day, give her something she’ll never forget. [birds fly overhead] A gift that not only says, “I love you,” [the couple walk down steps] but “I know you.” [they walk past a puddle] Show her she means the world to you, by giving her the only thing as unique and exquisite as she is. The perfect way to say, “Our love is eternal.” [they sit by a fountain] The gift that whispers, “Be mine forever.” [he kneels and gives her a bright red box] A teddy bear holding a heart. [we see the box from her perspective, and it contains such a teddy bear, and she is delighted] The gift that says, “I put a lot of time and thought into this. I’ve known that Valentine’s Day was coming for quite some time now. It did not sneak up on me.” [dissolve to the bear in its box surrounded by red fabric, with flowers falling all around it, and with a small, red heart logo reading “A Teddy Bear Holding a Heart,” and dissolve back to the park, where women sitting nearby are excited to see the gift the woman has received] Deep emotions can’t always be expressed in words. [he holds her as they twirl around and around, her outstretched hand holding the bear as she looks lovingly at it] But when you hand her a teddy bear holding a heart, she’ll know exactly what you mean to her. [they kiss] A teddy bear holding a heart. [dissolve to the box as seen before, with logo, and with title: “Available almost anywhere”] Available literally almost anywhere. Book stores, Hallmark’s, drug stores, Wal-Mart, 7-11, I’m guessing wherever you buy milk.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Steve Martin
Spokesman…..Chris Parnell

[ open on couple trying to balance their checkbook ]

Wife: (sighs) I just can’t get these numbers to add up.

Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.

Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?

Spokesman: [walks in] Maybe I can help.

Husband: We sure could use it.

Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.

Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.

Spokesman: Well, you’re not the only ones. Did you know that millions ofAmericans live with debt they cannot control? That’s why I developed thisunique new program for managing your debt. It’s called [presents book]”Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford.”

Wife: Let me see that… [grabs book, reads] “If you don’t haveany money, you should not buy anything.” Hmm, sounds interesting

Husband: Sounds confusing.

Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you save.

Husband: Give me that… [grabs book, looks at it] And where would you get this saved money?

Spokesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.

Wife: Ok, so what if I want something but I dont’ have any moneySpokesman: You don’t buy it.

Husband: Well let’s say I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyways?

Spokesman: No-o-o-o.

Husband: Now I’m really confused!

Spokesman: It’s a little confusing at first.

Wife: Well what if you have the money, can you buy something?

Spokesman: Yes.

Wife: Now take the money away. Same story?

Spokesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.

Husband: I think I got it. I buy something I want, and then hope that I can pay for it right?

Spokesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.

Husband: Oh, THEN you buy it. But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?

Spokesman: No-o-o-o.

Wife: Why not?

Spokesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless andthe book is free.

Wife: Well, I like the sound of that.

Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.

Spokesman: [shakes head]

Announcer: So get out of debt now, write for your free copy of “Don’t BuyStuff You Cannot Afford.” If you buy now you’ll also receive, “Seriously,If You Don’t Have the Money, Don’t Buy It!” Along with a 12-monthsubscription to “Stop Buying Stuff Magazine.” So order today!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts