Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
Larry King Live
Larry King…..Fred Armisen
Felicity Huffman…..Kristen Wiig
Aidan Key…..Amy Poehler
Brenda Shavis…..Rachel Dratch
Jennifer Finney Boylan…..Will Forte
TJ Jurian…..Natalie Portman
[open on title screen: “Larry King Live”] [dissolve to studio]
Larry King: Welcome back. We’ve been talking to the lovely Felicity Huffman, who is up for an Oscar for her portrayal of a preoperative transsexual in an extraordinary picture, “Transamerica.”[cut to Felicity Huffman with title: “Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: Felicity Huffman: Oscar-nominated for her role in ‘Transamerica'”]
Felicity Huffman: Thank you for having me, Larry. I had a great time.
Larry King: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman portray a man who wants to be a woman quite like that. Not that anyone can touch Julie Andrew’s performance in “Victor, Victoria.”
Felicity Huffman: Well, I mean, who doesn’t love Julie Andrews?
Larry King: Well, you’d be crazy not to. Thank you, Felicity Huffman. Good luck at the Oscars. Tonight, we’re talking about men who have gone under the knife to become women, and women who have done the same to become men. First, identical twins, [cut to a photograph of identical twin girls of elementary school age] formerly Brenda and Bonnie Shevis, now Brenda Shevis and Aidan Key. [cut to studio where a man and a woman are sitting together in the studio, then cut to a blonde woman in the studio] Jennifer Finney Boylan; she was John Boylan [cut to photograph of a man with glasses and a bolo tie] before sexual reassignment surgery at the age of forty-two. [cut to studio] And TJ Jurian [cut to an androgynous person on a video link], born a woman, [cut to photograph of TJ as a woman] living as a man, now featured on the show “Transgeneration” [cut to studio] on the terrific gay channel, lah-go. Thank you all for being here.[cuts continue throughout]
Aidan: Thanks for having us.
Larry King: Now, Brenda and Aidan, you were born identical twin girls.
Aidan: Uh, yes, yes we were, Larry.
Larry King: And now, Aidan, formery Bonnie, you have gone through the surgery, and now you’re male?
Aidan: Uh, that’s correct. But I will say I’ve always identified myself with being male.[title: “Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: Aidan Key: Born a girl named Bonnie with idnetical twin Brenda]
Larry King: Aidan, that’s a boy’s name? Why not go with a Ralph, or Barney?
Aidan: Uh, I don’t know, I liked the name Aidan.
Larry King: And now, Brenda, you were born female?
Brenda: Yes, Larry. We were both born female.
Larry King: So your sister decided to become a man, and you decided to stay put, stick with what you had down there.
Brenda: Yes. I’m happy being who I am, but my sister was not, and he’s much happier now.
Larry King: So, who is who’s brother?
Aidan: Uh, I’m Brenda’s brother.
Larry King: And now you have a child of your own.
Aidan: Yes, I do, Larry.
Larry King: So, are you the mother or the father?
Aidan: I’m the father.
Larry King: So, you fathered the child?
Aidan: No, Larry. That’s scientifically impossible.
Larry King: But you donated the sperm. [nods]
Aidan: No, that’s not possible, either.
Larry King: Well, congratulations. You look like a super good-looking gay man.
Aidan: Thank you, Larry.
Larry King: Now, Jennifer Finney Boylan.
Jennifer: Hi, Larry.
Larry King: Why the surgery? Why not just buy a long, blonde wig and, say, get a brazier and stuff it with tangerines and call it a day?
Jennifer: [title: Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: Jennifer Finney Boylan: Was James Boylan before surgery] Larry, it was important for me to physically become a woman in order to feel complete.
Larry King: And before you swapped your parts, did you have lesbian experiences?
Jennifer: No, Larry, because I was a man before.
Larry King: And do you ever miss being a woman?
Jennifer: Well, I’m a woman now, Larry. I know it can be very confusing.
Larry King: Confusing? I haven’t been this perplexed since Criss Angel, “Mindfreak,” came on the show and stuck a string through his eyeball and pulled it out of Jane Fonda’s nose. Now, TJ Jurian, where is your penis now?
TJ: [title: Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: TJ Jurian: Born female, has not yet had surgery to become male] I don’t have a penis yet, Larry. I haven’t made the surgery yet. I’m a transmale.
Larry King: So you’re gonna be a woman?
TJ: No, I’m a woman now.
Larry King: So what did they do with your penis once they removed it?
TJ: They never removed it, Larry.
Larry King: Now, wait a minute. You’re going to have two penises?
TJ: Larry, I was born a female, and I’m going to have surgery to become a male.
Larry King: So you’re looking for a penis. Jennifer Boylan, why don’t you give her your old penis?
TJ: I’m not in possession of it any more, Larry.
Larry King: Well, good luck on your search, TJ, but it looks like you may have to stay a woman a little longer.
TJ: That’s all right, Larry. I define myself as a man. I’m just not a man yet, physically.
Larry King: Well, you look like a man, you sound like a man, and the rest of it is none of my business, anyway. That’s what I told George Hamilton last week in the dry sauna. [Jennifer looks puzzledly back at Aidan and Brenda while Aidan looks at Brenda and Brenda looks away awkwardly, and TJ looks askance as well] Thank you for joining us. You’re all terrific people, no matter what’s in your pantaloons. Join us tomorrow. I’ll be talking to Kim Cattrall. Now that lady is 150% woman, I don’t care how many penises you stick on her. That’s it for tonight. Stay tuned for “Anderson Cooper 360,” where his guest will be a gal named Katrina. Good night.[dissolve to title screen: “Larry King Live”]
Submitted by: DavidK93