Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Harriet Miers Nomination

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Harriet Miers…..Rachel Dratch
Alberto Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, White House, evening ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

Dick Cheney: Uh, Mr. President, before wem eet with Harriet Miers, we should go over what we need to talk to her about.

President George W. Bush: [ looking over notes ] Harriet Miers is a highly qualified judicial nominee.

Dick Cheney: Well, uh, George, you understand that by making this pick we’re opening ourselves to accusations of cronyism.

President George W. Bush: Well, how can you say that? I made this choice based on resume.. and experience. You know, how was I to know that of all of the lawyers and judges in this great country, the most qualified would be my own legal adviser. I mean, what are the odds?

Dick Cheney: You see, that’s what I’m talking about, Sir. If there is even a whiff of impropriety —

President George W. Bush: Dick, relax. You know, I’ll play it down. This wasn’t a choice based on friendship. We’re not even that close. [ presses intercom ] Ashley, send in Ms. Miers.

[ Harriet Miers enters the room, a wide smile on her face ]

Harriet Miers: Bushy!

President George W. Bush: [ equally excited ] Come ‘ere! [ lifts Harriet into his arms ]

Harriet Miers: [ giggling ] Oh, come on, Bushy, put me down!

President George W. Bush: Oh, uh-uh. I want an up-close look at the next member of the United states Supreme Court.

Dick Cheney: [ concerned ] Mr. President, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Could you, uh —

President George W. Bush: what? There’s nothing wrong with this. This is just your garden variety President/judge stuff.

Dick Cheney: Put her down, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Uh-uh!

Harriet Miers: Oh, put me down, Sir.

Dick Cheney: [ sternly ] Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Okay, Dick. [ lowers Harriet to the ground ]

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: Alright, sit down over here on this couch. [ they sit on the couch together ] Alright, Harriet, we just wanted to talk to you before things got too crazy, because over the next couple of months people are gonna be digging into your background.

Harriet Miers: Oh, uh.. that won’t be a problem because, I don’t know if you boys have heard, but, uh.. I don’t have a background. [ she laughs ]

President George W. Bush: isn’t she perfect?

Dick Cheney: Yeah. Be a lot easier If she wasn’t such a close friend.

President George W. Bush: I don’t get it, Dick. You know, I don’t know why everyone says that cronyism is a bad thing. You know, I’m a crony. You’re a crony. This is what we do. Cronyism. Do you think I got into Yale because of my grades? No. I cronied my way in there. You think I got to own a baseball team because I’m a good baseball team owner? Big time crony on that one. Now, hey, you know, look at me now: I’m the President of the United states. You can’t get cronier than this.

Dick Cheney: You’re right there. But it didn’t work out so well with your Buddy Michael brown running FEMA.

President George W. Bush: I chunked it on that one, Dick. Maybe I.. I should have looked harder for a better man but you know me, I don’t like to look harder. You know, for instance, you know I like the Outback Steakhouse. You could.. tell me that the best restaurant in the world is across the Street. But If thehere is an Outback Steakhouse on my side of the street, that’s where I’m eating. I trust it. I like their steaks.

Dick Cheney: I like the Bloomin’ Onion. [ Laughs ] That’s good eatin’!

President George W. Bush: Yes, it is, Dick. All right. But you see what I’m getting at. You know, why look for a five-star restaurant when I got an Outback Steakhouse sitting right here. You know?

Harriet Miers: Thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: You know, frankly, I don’t think cronyism will even be an issue with Harriet.

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you.

Dick Cheney: All right. Good enough for me. Thanks for stopping by, Harriet. Good luck with the confirmation. I think you’ll do just fine. [ Harriet exits the room ] Oh, uh.. Mr. President, Alberto Gonzalez is outside.

President George W. Bush: Oh. Send him in, Dick.

Dick Cheney: Alberto, you’re on.

[ an unhappy Alberto Gomez enters the room ]

President George W. Bush: Alberto. My old Buddy. How long you been waiting out there?

Alberto Gomez: Two weeks.

President George W. Bush: [ smiles ] Get over here! [ Alberto steps closer ] Look, you know.. you’re not.. mad about being passed up for the supreme court again, are you? [ Alberto is silent ] Come on, don’t be like that, Alberto. You’re one of my cronies. You know, maybe there will be another opening in the supreme court. Justice Stevens tripped on the steps the other day. That’s never a good sign. Come on, crony Buddy. [ Alberto is silent ] Say something. Anything.

[ Alberto speaks at last: ]

Alberto Gomez: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Operator Date

Gary…..Jon Heder
Julie…..Rachel Dratch
Waiter…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, coffee shop. Julie sits alone at table as Gary approaches. ]

Gary: Hi, I’m Gary. You must be Julie.

Julie: [ in a monotone voice ] Hi, I’m Julie.

Gary: [ sits ] Nice to finally meet you. I haven’t been on a blind date in a while. So, Doug told me you work in Customer Service?

Julie: That’s right. I do the voice recordings for companies such as United Airlines, Blue Cross and Amtrak.

Gary: Wow, Amtrak. Well, then I guess I have talked to you before.

Julie: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

Gary: Oh. [ awkward beat ] Nothing. Stupid joke.

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Hi. Can I get you something to drink?

Gary: Um.. what do you think, Julie? A latte or a cappuccino, or something?

Julie: Did you say latte or cappuccino?

Gary: Uh.. well, I said both. Do you want a latte or cappuccino?

Julie: My mistake. Cappuccino would be great.

Gary: Two, please.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Julie: Gary, before we go any further, let me get some information.

Gary: Sure.

Julie: Please say your age.

Gary: Oh, yeah! I get that a lot. I know I look young, but I’m actually 29.

Julie: I think you said 19. Did I get that right?

Gary: No, 29.

Julie: I think you said 9. Did I get that right?

Gary: No. Wow. 29.

Julie: Okay. Got it. Sorry. It’s pretty loud in here.

[ Waiter returns with the cappuccinos ]

Waiter: Here you guys go.

Julie: Mmm. Yum.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Gary: You know, um.. Doug didn’t tell me you were so cute.

Julie: You’re not so bad yourself, Gary.

Gary: Would you, uh, like to, maybe want to go see a movie tonight?

Julie: I’d like that. Let me check the movie listings. What movie would you like to see?

Gary: Have you seen “Flight Plan?”

Julie: Let me look that up for you. One second, please. [ holds up a newspaper ] Here it is: “Flight Plan” is playing at 7:15.. 8:45.. 10:00.. and 11:15.

Gary: Uh.. let’s do 7:15.

Julie: Okay. This is a great date.

Gary: It really is. Julie, you know, I’m kind of shy —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Uh.. since my last relationship —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: — I haven’t been able to ask anyone out —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: That’s why Doug —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: — had to do it for me.

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Anyway, I just feel really lucky to have met you.

Julie: That’s so sweet. Please say that again.

Gary: I feel real lucky to have met you.

Julie: Thank you.

Gary: So, should we go to the movie?

Julie: Let me see If I have this correct: I think you said you wanted to go.. back to my place. Did I get that right?

Gary: Yes, you sure did.

Julie: Okay. Got it.

[ they exit the coffee shop ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Goodnights

…..Jon Heder

Jon Heder: I want to thank Ashlee Simpson! [ she grins and nods ] I want to thank the cast, I’ve had an awesome week! Everybody, good night!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Hubbard Systems

Gary…..Seth Meyers
Irene…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Jason Sudeikis
Patty…..Rachel Dratch
Philip…..Fred Armisen
Kevin…..Jon Heder

[ open on Hubbard Systems corporate retreat. Gary stands with his back turned as he explains a presentation labeled “Teamwork.” ]

Gary: If we learned anything during our three-day retreat, it’s that the key to the future of Hubbard Systems is teamwork.

[ Gary turns to face his staff, revealing that his eyebrows are shaved and angry lines are drawn in their place ]

Gary: So – about last night’s party. Um..first of all, I want to say I’m not angry.

Irene: You look angry.

Gary: Well, that’s because someone shaved my eyebrows and drew in angry cartoon eyebrows. And I think you knew that. Now, I will be the first to admit that the “Hubbard Goes Hawaiian” party got out of hand. And that the punch was way too strong, and I think a lot of us, myself included, were over-served. Even more unacceptable, however, were the pranks done to those of us who passed out. And, again, I’m not angry.

Irene: Yeah? You look angry!

Gary: Okay! That is enough, Irene. [ a beat ] Anyway, one of the themes of this whole retreat has been communication. Okay? So, let’s try to work through this Hubbard Systems-style, alright? So, I’m going to ask Peter to come up here and calmly.. air his grievances. So, Peter? Alright?

[ Gary steps aside, as Peter approaches the podium. Peter’s head is shaved down the middle. ]

Peter: Hey, everybody. Alright, look — so, I don’t know If you I.T. freaks know this, but I’m one of your Sales people, alright? So, basically, by doing this, you screwed yourselves. Alright? Because, here’s the thing: I can’t sell your nerd junk when my head looks like a butt crack! Alright?!

[ Gary returns to the podium ]

Gary: Okay, you know what? I don’t think Peter actually thinks we sell “nerd junk”.

Peter: Hey, Gary! Alright, look, this just proves that just because some Tech geek can put together a computer doesn’t mean he’s not an idiot!

Gary: Hey, hey! We don’t know it’s the Tech guys, Peter.

Peter: Aw, come on, Gary, man! You KNOW it’s the Tech guys! You KNOW it! [ points at the Tech guys ] Look, I know you dudes hate me, alright? You hate me for my car and my sweet-looking wife! [ frowns at the crowd ] Hey, wipe that grin of your face, Sanji, wipe it off!

Gary: Okay!

Peter: Get rid of it!

Gary: It’s okay. It’s okay, Sanji. Let’s just try to stay calm.

Peter: Yeah, YOU stay calm, Gary! Alright?! I was supposed to play GOLF tomorrow! [ storms off ] Get outta my way!

Gary: Look, I know that Peter is the office yank stick. We all know that. I’m not going to stand here and tell you he’s not. But a lot of good people suffered last night, too. Patty, can you come up here?

[ Patty steps up to the podium, sporting a crudely-drawn handlebar moustache ]

Gary: Patty has been a secretary at Hubbard Systems 23 years. She was the second person hired by Wilson Hubbard himself. Can anyone tell me any reason why someone would do this to Patty? [ every hand is raised ] Oh, wow, okay. I did not expect that many hands. Let’s start with you, Irene.

Irene: Yeah, ihe knows every thing about everyone in the office, and, when she drinks, she blabs it.

Patty: Raise your hand if you haven’t slept with Irene.

Gary: Okay, okay.

Philip: She also conjectures loudly as to who in the office is or isn’t gay.

Irene: Everyone knows, Philip!

Philip: [ stunned, feyly places his hand over his heart ] I am married.

Patty: I’ll haunt you all from my grave.

[ Patty steps away from the podium ]

Gary: That got ugly. I feel like we haven’t learned anything at this retreat. Kevin has something to say.

[ Kevin steps up to the podium. Body hair is superglued to his face and hands. ]

Kevin: Hello. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Kevin Hubbard. And my Dad owns Hubbard Systems.

Irene: [ sarcastically ] Everyone knows, Kevin.

Kevin: Irene, shut up!

Gary: Okay, Kevin, let’s use this time to build a bridge. Like we’ve been talking about. Build a bridge.

Kevin: Anyway – if it were up to me, I would fire all of you and then throw stuff at you while Security dragged you away, and then your kids would go hungry.

Gary: Okay, not a bridge. Um.. I think the important thing is that no matter what Kevin has done in the past, no one deserves to have this happen to them when they pass out.

Kevin: I didn’t pass out. I was awake. Someone held me down and shaved all my body hair and superglued it to my face and my palms.

Gary: So, you know who did this to you?

Kevin: Yeah.

Gary: Who?

Kevin: Well.. she told me if I say anything, she’d do it again.

[ Irene double-points her fingers between her eyes and Kevin’s direction ]

Gary: Alright, well.. I guess we’ll break for lunch. [ notices Irene’s hand gestures ] This kind of gives you away, so you don’t want to do that. When we come back, someone’s going to have to explain how my car got in the swimming pool. So, start thinking about that, everybody.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder’s Monologue

…..Jon Heder
Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Leopold Samsonite…..Jason Sudeikis
Jose…..Fred Armisen
Kip…..Will Forte

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Jon Heder!

[ the audience cheers and screams enthusiastically ]

Jon Heder: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience continues to cheer; Jon checks his watch ] Come on! Alright, uh.. now, most of you probably know me from a movie called “Napoleon Dynamite.” [ the audience cheers their recognition ] Yeah, it’s a movie that a bunch of college friends and me made, for very little money, and, uh.. went on to Sundance and took off, and now I’m here hosting “Saturday Night Live.”

[ audience cheers and screams; one joker yells: “Vote For Pedro!” ]

Jon Heder: [ looks into the audience ] Uh.. yes? you have a question?

Audience Member: Um.. was the character Napoleon Dynamite based on a real person?

Jon Heder: Uh, no. He was not. He was based on a number of people I knew in college, and some family members of mine.

Voice: Jon?

Jon Heder: Yes. You.

[ a man dressed similar to Napoleon Dynamite stands up in the audience ]

Leopold Samsonite: Are you sure that the character Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t based on anybody?

Jon Heder: Hey! Hey, it’s my old college buddy, Leopold Samsonite. What are you doing here?

Leopold Samsonite: That’s a stupid question. I’m watching the show. Gosh!

Jon Heder: I haven’t seen you in a couple of years.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, since college. Hey, Jon, I finally saw that movie you were in.

Jon Heder: You mean, “Just Like Heaven”, with Reese witherspoon.

Jon Heder: No! No one saw that. Idiot! Back to my question: Was that movie “Napoleon Dynamite” about me?

Jon Heder: No, of course not.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn’t think so, but a lot of people think it is.

Jon Heder: Like who?

Leopold Samsonite: Like Jose. Tell him yourself, Jose.

[ Jose, who bears a striking resemblance to Pedro, stands to Leopold’s left. He wears a shirt that reads “Vote For Jose.” ]

Jon Heder: Oh, hey, Jose! How have you been?

Jose: I’m okay. I like your bangs.

Jon Heder: Thanks. Uh, Jose, just so you know, all the characters in “Napoleon Dynamite” are fictional.

Leopold Samsonite: See, Jose? I told you that flippin’ character wasn’t based on me!

[ suddenly, a Kip lookalike stands to Leopold’s right ]

Kip: I don’t know. It really seems like it.

Leopold Samsonite: Shut up, idiot! Why are you even here?

Kip: Because Jose is right. Just leave me alone, I’m texting a girl. [ averts his attention to a handheld electronic device ]

Jon Heder: Hey, Leopold, honest. The character Napoleon isn’t based on you in any way.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn’t think so. Because you don’t have these sweet moves.

[ Leopold makes his way next to Jon at Home Base, and, with hands in pockets, shows off his dance skills, including wild, flurried disco moves. Accepting the challenge, Jon shows off a few sweet moves of his own, until, finally, they dance in tandem. ]

Jon Heder: [ as Jose and Kip join them on stage ] Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight! Ashlee Simpson is here. so stick around, we’ll be right back.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2


Song appears
on the album:

I Am Me

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”

…..Jon Heder
…..Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder: Ladies and gentlemen – Ashlee Simpson!

Ashlee Simpson: I wrote this song after my last “Saturday Night Live” experience.

“Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something´s killing me
I know it seems like people care
‘Cause they´re always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs.

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

When the show is over
And it´s empty everywhere
It´s so hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I´ve got nowhere to go nowhere but home.

Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you´ve been on
That you´re coming off
Leaves you feeling lost.

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me.

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.”

Ashlee Simpson: Thank you!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2


Song appears
on the album:

I Am Me

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson performs “Boyfriend”

…..Jon Heder
…..Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder: Once again – Ashlee Simpson.

Ashlee Simpson:
“Whatcha been doin’?
Whatcha been doin?
Whoa, Whoa,
Haven’t seen ya ’round.

How you been feelin’?
How you been feelin’?
Whoa, whoa,
Don’t you bring me down.

All that stuff about me,
Being with him,
Can’t believe,
All the lies that you told,
Just to ease your own soul,
But I’m bigger than that,
No, you don’t have my back,
No, No, ha!

Hey, how long till my music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what’s goin’ on,
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

Well I’m sorry,
That he called me, ha!
And that I answered the telephone,
Don’t be worried,
I’m not with him,
And when I go out tonight,
I’m going home alone,
Just got back from my tour,
I’m a mess girl for sure,
All I want is some fun,
Guess that I’d better run,
Hollywood sucks you in,
But it won’t spit me out,
Whoa Whoa!

Hey, how long till my music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what’s going on?
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you look at your own life,
Instead of looking into mine,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you’re leaving me alone,
Don’t you got somewhere to go?
I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ha!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Please stop telling all your friends,
I’m getting sick of them,
Always staring at me like I took him from ya’.

Hey, how long till my music drowns you out?
Don’t put words up in my mouth,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what’s going on?
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you look at your own life,
Instead of looking into mine,
I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you’re leaving me alone,
Don’t you got somewhere to go?
I didn’t steal your boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ha!
Whoa, I didn’t steal your boyfriend,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ha!
Whoa, I didn’t steal your boyfriend.”

Ashlee Simpson: Thank you guys so much!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Taco Town

…..Bill Hader
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Bill, Jason and Andy eating tacos at Taco Town ]

Bill: You know what I love about tacos?

Jason: What’s that?

Bill: Everything.

[ they all share their joy with laughter, as Andy mimes milking Bill’s taco]

Jason: Can tacos get any more kick-butt than this?

Announcer: [ chuckles ] Oh, ho ho, they’re about to, all right! New, at Taco Town:

[ the ingredients are continuously filled onto the taco throughout the Announcer’s pitch ]

We take a crunchy, all-beef taco, smother it in nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato and our special southwestern sauce. Then we wrap it in a soft, flour tortilla with a layer of refried beans in-between.

Jason: Sweet!

Announcer: Then we wrap that in a savory corn tortilla with a middle layer of Monterey Jack cheese.

Andy: Awesome!

Announcer: And it gets even awesomer, when we take a deep-fried gordita shell, smear on a little of our special “guacamolito” sauce and wrap that around the outside.

Bill: [ trying to hold this mighty taco ] This is pretty big..

Announcer: But it gets even bigger! Because we bake it in a corn husk filled with pico de gallo, then then wrap that in an authentic Parisian crepe, filled with egg, gruyere, merguez sausage and Portobello mushroom.

Jason: [ getting restless ] Can I eat in now?

Announcer: Sure. But not before we take the whole thing and wrap that in a Chicago style deep dish meat lovers pizza!

Andy: Pizza? Now that’s what I call a taco!

Announcer: Well, it’s not a Taco Town taco until we roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter and deep-fry it until it’s golden brown. Then we serve it in all commemorative tote bag filled with spicy vegetarian chili. It’s 15 great tastes all rolled into one.

[ a huge, oversized taco is dropped into a large tote bag, as a cascade of spicy vegetarian chili is poured over it ]

All: Taco Town!

Announcer: The new pizza crepe taco pancake chili bag. Only at Taco Town.

Jason: Taco Town!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Matthew Brenner

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

]]>

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Amy Poehler
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Filling in for Tina Fey, I’m Horacio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

[ picture of Harriet Miers ] On Monday, President Bush nominated your mom to the Supreme Court.

While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bushadmitted Tuesday he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush,“Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.” [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: Many people are upset with President Bush fornominating current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the SupremeCourt, particularly her law partner, Jacoby.

Amy Poehler: [picture of President Bush giving a televisedspeech] This week, nearly twelve million Americans tuned in to a newepisode of “Lost.”

Horatio Sanz: The U.S. Treasury is featuring a new nickel thathas Thomas Jefferson facing forward, with a hint of a smile. A smilethat says, “You see that slave over there? Yeah, I tapped that ass.”[applause]

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nominee, Harriet Miers, has comeunder fire from both the left and the right, because of her lack ofexperience. Many are suggesting she withdraw her nomination. Here tocomment is perennial candidate Tim Calhoun.

[Pan to Tim, who holds a stack of note cards. Applause. Tim nervouslyspeaks through a tabletop microphone, in a very soft voice]

Tim Calhoun: Hi, I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for SupremeCourt, of America. I think I would make a much better candidatefor Supreme Court than that girl. Here’s why…

[pauses to change cards]

I do not have any Supreme Court experience, but I have served as alawyer for myself, on many occasions… all of which turned outreal bad. Here’s a list of my convictions. One potbrownie…seven shoplift…one cocaine brownie…and thirty more cocainebrownies. I’m real sorry, but I have a sweet tooth.

[pauses to change cards]

I think burning the flag is wrong. But undercooking the flag is even worse.

[pauses to change cards]

As I mentioned before, I have no judge experience. But I have worked ata court for a long time. It was a food court… I served food, at afood court.

[pauses to change cards]

Note from self… don’t mention food court. [Tim stares into the camera inhorror. He speaks under his breath] Oh no… I already mentionedfood court… what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do…

[pauses to change cards]

Have I mentioned that I worked at a food court? [gasps] How did thatget in there?

[pauses to change cards]

Food court…[changes cards again] food court… food court… foodcourt… [stops at the next card, and looks into the camera] Foodcourt… [changes cards] food court.

[pauses to change cards]

I think gavels should be called law hammers.

[changes cards one final time]

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for SupremeCourt of America… and I will get right to work erasing my permanentrecord.

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Fearing a religious backlash because of the title,Sony decided to not release the new Albert Brooks film “Looking forComedy in the Muslim World.” For similar reasons, Sony has also decidednot to release the film “Deuce Bigalow: Osama Bin Gigolo.”

Once a week, recovering illusionist Roy Horn reportedly visitsMontecore, the tiger that mauled him. Though disturbingly, they’reconjugal visits! [some applause; Horatio laughs] You know what thatmeans, right Amy? He gets busy with that tiger! [Amy shakes her head indisbelief]

Amy Poehler: Security in the New York City subway system wasraised on Thursday after reports of specific threats involvingbomb-laden baby carriages and briefcases. The extra security has madecommuting especially difficult for business babies. [Picture of a babystanding on a subway platform, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Some applause. Amy is clearly amused by the picture]

A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after sixteen years, with thehelp of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepersstopped buying her cigarettes! [applause; Amy looks off camerafor a moment]

There is a growing concern in the Everglades over the rise of non-nativesnakes, abandoned by pet owners in the swamp. That’s—now Horatio, youactually abandoned a snake in the Everglades, didn’t you?

Horatio Sanz: Yes Amy, my anaconda.

Amy Poehler: Wow, your anaconda! Is it dangerous?

Horatio Sanz: Well, if memory serves…
“My anaconda don’t want none
Unless it’s got buns, hon!”

Amy Poehler: I can do side bends or situps!

Horatio Sanz: But please don’t lose that butt!

Amy Poehler: They toss it, and they leave it,
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!

Horatio Sanz: So ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Ladies!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Horatio Sanz: Pull up in my Mercedes?

Amy Poehler: Hell yeah!
Shake it, then shake it!
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got—[Amy stands and dances next to Horatio, grinding her butt against him. Horatio starts laughing. Cheers and applause]
Little in the middle but you got much back!

Keep your snakes out of the Everglades, everybody! [sitting down]

Horatio Sanz: Holy mole! [Amy stands up and grinds again; moreapplause]

Amy Poehler: Kate Moss, who has already lost several endorsementcontracts with Chanel, H & M, and Burberry in the wake of hercocaine-snorting scandal, received an even more embarrassing setbackthis week, when she was dropped as a spokesperson for the cocaineindustry. [hangs her head in shame]

The nation’s energy chief says it will take six months for U.S. Energyproduction and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a boldeffort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old “SaveGas, Fart in a Jar” t-shirt. [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirelyof ice, and will be kept at -22 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. Theopening night party was marred, however, when four people died ofhypothermia in the wet t-shirt contest.

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring acollection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as Ilike to call it, “The View”! [applause]

Amy Poehler: Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABCabout what her life might have been like had she not become a musician,but been gay, stayed in Kansas, and taught at a high school. It’scalled, “The Gym Teacher.”

A former nursing home worker in New York State has filled anine-million-dollar federal lawsuit, claiming she suffered mentalanguish and needs anti-anxiety medication, after being forced to proveshe was wearing a bra at work. You know, something very similarhappened to me, let’s take a look:

[Dissolve to tape featuring Amy and Horatio on the “Weekend Update” set,presumably going over their script. Lorne Michaels approaches Amy]

Lorne Michaels: Hey Amy, you wearing a bra?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, Lorne, I am.

Lorne Michaels: What the hell for? [Walks off, giggling. Dissolve back to the live set]

Amy Poehler: Thanks a lot, Horatio.

Horatio Sanz: That was, that was not cool there.

Amy Poehler: No, thanks for sticking up for me, too. Iappreciate that.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, no problem.

A study has shown that bringing a clown into the operating room mayrelax children who are about to undergo surgery, which proves thatlaughter really is the best medicine… unless you have cancer. Thenyou should get chemo. [prolonged laughter]

Amy Poehler: A Russian Soyuz spacecraft docked at theInternational Space Station Monday. The spacecraft then turned around,and was promptly rear-ended by Lindsay Lohan.

Horatio Sanz: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Horatio appears to bless the audience, thenshares a hug with Amy. Fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

The Werewolf

Tom…..Jon Heder
Sara…..Amy Poehler
Officer #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Officer #2…..Bill Hader
Nick…..Andy Samberg

[ open on interior, Tom’s apartment, dark. Tom turns on the light as he and his date, Sara, enter the apartment. ]

Sara: Tom, I had such a good time tonight.

Tom: Me, too, Sara. Please, sit down.

Sara: Ah!

[ they sit ]

Tom: Sara. These last three weeks have been amazing.

Sara: I know.

Tom: But there’s something you need to know about me. A secret that I’ve never told anyone.

[ the background music turns ominous ]

Sara: Okay, Tom, whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.

[ a crack of lightning sounds outside ]

Tom: Two years ago.. I was hiking in the northern mountains of Romania. It was a foggy night, and, even with the full moon to guide me, I lost my way. That’s when I saw it.

[ lightning cracks again ]

Sara: It?

Tom: A beast! [ lightning cracks again ] Twice the size of a wolf, with huge fangs and horrible, yellow eyes. It bit me, and I became.. one of the likened.

Sara: Uh.. a werewolf?

Tom: Yes. A hideous half-man, half-beast.

Sara: Oh, my God!

[ a wolf’s howl rises from outside. Tom rushes to the window to look, his eyes focusing on dark clouds exposing the moon’s full surface ]

Tom: [ trembling ] Sara! The full moon is almost upon us! You must leave immediately!

Sara: No, Tom! I want to stay! I don’t care what you become!

Tom: All right! Then, quickly! Bind my hands and feet with these.. [ picks up the shackjles, but can’t find the words ] these things.. these.. chains!

Sara: Tom! You’re scaring me!

Tom: You should be afraid. Soon, I’ll be a wolf.

[ another crack of lightning, as Sara finally makes the decision to bind Tom’s hands and feet with the shackles ]

[ the moon’s surface is fully exposed, and Tom’s transformation begins. Cue stock exterior footage from old horror movies, as a fake wolf’s head bounces between superimpositions between Tom’s head, and a close-up of his eyes turns yellow. ]

[ Sara stands over a hunched Tom. He lifts his head to reveal.. a moustache? ]

Tom: I’m a monster!

Sara: Ohh!! Oh, no!! [ screams, then notices he’s not really a monster after all ] Oh? It’s not that bad.

Tom: Don’t patronize me! I know I look like a wolf!

Sara: Actually.. you look more like Jeff Foxworthy.

Tom: You’re too kind, Sara! But you must fly! As these chains will soon submit to my demon strength! [ begins trying to break free from his shackles ]

Sara: [ crosses her arms ] Tom. Tom, how hard did this beast bite you?

Tom: Really hard! In the arm. [ points to the bite mark on his arm ]

Sara: [ looks at Tom’s bite mark ] There? That looks like a mosquito bite!

Tom: [ still struggling with the shackles ] Aaarrgggghh!! A warlock must have been a spell on these chains! Normally, I can break free!

Sara: Yeah, uh-huh. You can break free with your werewolf strength, and all?

[ a knock at the door ]

Tom: Ah, you’re lucky. I called the police ahead of time, for your safety.

Sara: Ah, good thinking. [ she goes to answer the door, as Tom continues to wrestle with the shackles ]

[ a pair of police officers enter the apartment ]

Officer #1: Hey, Tom, how are ya’?

[ Tom hisses at the police officers ]

Sara: You know each other?

Officer #1: Yeah. Yeah, we come by once a month, uh.. we stopped coming for a little while, and, you know, it really hurt his feelings.

Officer #2: It looks like the, uh.. [ makes quotes sign ] “transformation” is completed.

Tom: Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!

Sara: Uh, I-I don’t know, Tom. I think the moustache is kinda cute!

Officer #2: Yeah! Moustaches are coming back in style!

Officer #1: Sure. Retro.

Tom: Idiots! I will feast on your blood!

Sara: Isn’t that – isn’t that more of a vampire thing?

Tom: No!

Officer #1: So, uh.. is this your first full moon with him?

Sara: Oh, him? Yeah, yeah.

Officer #2: Pretty weird, huh? Like, full moon, and he’s just, like, pow!

Tom: Ahhhh!! Monster strength! Uhhh!! Ahhh!!

[ suddenly, Nicky, carrying a can of beer and sporting a moustache of his own, enters the apartment ]

Nick: Oh, hey, everybody.

[ lightning cracks, as the camera zooms in on Nick’s moustache ]

Officer #1: Hey, Nick.

Officer #2: What’s up, Nicky.

Nick: [ looks over at Tom ] Is it a full moon again?

Officer #1: You know it.

Nick: Man, time really flies.

Sara: Wait a minute, are you a werewolf, too?

Nick: Oh, what? [ points to his moustache ] This? [ laughs ] No, no, it’s just a moustache! Yeah, I liked the way it looked on Tom so much, I decided to grow one myself.

[ Tom howls ]

Nick: Ah-ha. They get it, Tom. You’re a wolf. Hey, you guys. I’m going to head out to a party. You want in?

Sara: Yeah!

Officer #1: Yeah, absolutely.

Sara: A party sounds fun!

Officer #1: Sure, we’ll take the cop car!

Nick: Alright, let’s roll. Check you later, Tom!

[ Nick and the two cops exit Tom’s apartment ]

[ Tom grunts at Sara ]

Sara: Bye, sweetheart, I’ll call you tomorrow. [ runs toward the door ]

Tom: [ frantic ] Can I come?

[ Nick looks back at Tom ]

Nick: Uh, sorry, buddy, it’s a.. human party.

[ everyone else but Tom exits his apartment, and Nick flips the light switch to the Off position ]

Tom: [ sits alone in the darkened apartment ] My curse has.. once again cost me everything I love. [ howls into the night, as lightning flashes ]

[ fade ]

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