Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ open on Boston Teens Sully and Denise riding up a ski lift with stranger Wylie, as Tommy films them from the front ]
Sully: Hey, Tommy, is it on? Are you getting this? I want to make sure we document my worst vacation ever!!
Denise: [ angry ] Save it, Sully!
Sully: Here we are on our class ski trip to picturesque Mount Wachusett. To my far right is my girlfriend on nine years, Denise. We are currently not on speaking terms. Snuggly by my side instead, a stranger. What’s your name, Chief?
Wylie: My name’s Wylie. But people call me the Devestator!
Sully: Mmm, the Devestator. That would be a great name for Denise, because she has devestated my trip!!
Denise: I’m the Devestator?! You got a wicked lotta nerve! [ to Wylie ] I fell asleep on the bus ride up here. Sully took it upon himself to draw this Amish beard on my face, as a sign of his love and respect for me! [ lowers scarf to reveal the drawn beard ]
Wylie: [ laughing ] Dude, you look like Abraham Lincoln!
Sully: I thought you’d think it was funny!
Denise: It was a Sharpee! You are retahded!
Sully: You are!
[ silence ]
Sully: [ to Wylie ] So, uh.. how are the trails today?
Wylie: Aw, dude, it dumped huge last night! Eight inches of freshies! It’s a little scratchy on top, but the pow’s in the trees for sure. I caught big air!
Sully: Oh, yeah, you don’t say. Where you from there, Ranger Rick?
Wylie: I’m from Boulder, Colorado, bro. But I’ve been doing this thing where I wanna ride on every mountain in North America before I turn 19.
Sully: Yeah, me and Tommy have a similar goal, involving every flavor of Schnapp’s! Yea-ea-ea!
[ Sully and Tommy give the thumbs-up to one another ]
Denise: He’s been stuck on Peppermint for four years!
Sully: Oh, it speaks!
Denise: Hey, Destructo, you got a girlfriend?
Wylie: Well, I’m kinda seeing these four girls named Gretchen.
Denise: Oh, yeah? What’d you get Gretchen for her birthday.
Wylie: Um.. grapefruit bath beads from the Body Shop..
Denise: Cuz that one gave me a box of microwave popcorn and some AA batteries!
Sully: It was thoughtful! ‘Cuz you love popcorn and your Walkman’s always dying.
Denise: Meanwhile, for his birthday, I dropped $40 on a gift certificate from Structure!
Sully: Which I used to buy that green suit I wore to your mother’s wedding! [ to Wylie ] But, bro, answer me this: What’s the most important thing in a man’s life.
Wylie: Aw, I don’t know, man. Catching air, hitting a rail in a train park, no worries, rock and roll, ride ’til you die!
Sully: Dude, you gotta get your life together.
Denise: Yeah. You can’t make money doing extreme sports. You gotta have goals. Me, I’m certified in elder care.
Sully: I wanna be the next Baba Booey. But until then, I’m keeping my job telemarketing for Jevalia Coffee. Ain’t that right, Denise?
Denise: [ holds up her hand ] Talk to the mitten.
Sully: Denise, come on! Let’s focus on what really matters! I’m always there for you! When you got in a fight with that girl from Billerica, did I not immediately alert you that your obob had fallen out?!
Denise: I woulda figured it out eventually.
Wylie: Dude, can I just say one thing? Maybe it’s because all I’ve had to eat today is four sobis and a nutrition bar for women.. but I feel like I could cry right now. Because there’s only two things in life that are for sure; one is if you go up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start, you get unlimited men on Contra.
Denise: What’s the other thing?
Wylie: Oh, yeah. The other thing is.. love is the only natural high.
Sully: Hey, Denise. Look down there. [ points downward ]
Denise: What? [ looks below, eyes open wide ] Oh, my Gawd! You spelled out “Sully Loves Zazoo” in yellow snow! When did you do that?
Sully: When you were in the crapper trying to scrub that beard off.
Denise: Oh, my Gawd, it’s so romantic!
Sully: I will shout my love from the mountaintops, and forever squirt it into the snowy drifts. You’re my bearded Amish beauty!
Denise: You’re retahded!
Sully: You’re wicked retahded.
Denise: You’re so retahded, you should win an Oscar for your groundbreaking performance as a retahded person.
Sully: You should!
Denise: You should!
Sully: You are!
Denise: What?
[ they start to make out across a squirming Wylie ]
Wylie: Hey, guys! Guys! I gotta lift the bar, come on! Hey, come on! [ he lifts the bar as they separate ] And remember: when you’re getting off, keep your pole in the air!
Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!
[ Tommy shakes camera yes, as Wylie steps off and skis down the mountain ]
[ Sully and Denise start to make out again, as Frank casually enters scene wearing face mask ]
Frank: Denise! You got any more of those pina coladas you gave me?
Denise: Frank, what are you talking about?
Frank: Genius move hiding it in the sunscreen bottle!
Denise: Frank, that was sunscreen!
Frank: Oh, well.. at least my poop will smell like the beach!
Sully: Please tell me you did not get that on tape.
[ Tommy shakes camera no, as the scene fades to black ]
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush was criticized this week for not having a clear stance on the Middle East crisis. You know what? Good. The only people with a very clear stance on the Middle East are the crazy people in the Middle East. Okay, I’ve had it up to here with all of them.
Yasser Arafat, don’t talk to us in English and say “I agree to a cease fire” and then turn around in Arab – Arabic and be like, “Hasam, let’s do this.” Okay, we’re on to you. We’ve got like two bilingual CIA guys now, so we know what you’re saying.
And Sharon, when you’re storming West Bank towns and bulldozing people’s homes, try not to look like you love it. ‘Cause you kind of look like you love it.
And it’s only going to get worse, ’cause now when Palestinians blow themselves up, Saddam Hussein will send their family $25,000. That’s a lot of money to these people. They don’t have game shows over there. They don’t have “Fear Factor”. Palestinians would clean up on “Fear Factor”, by the way. They would do very well on “Fear Factor”. Very well, but they don’t have it.
So, today, President Bush has clarified his world views, saying “You’re either with us or with the terrorists.”
[pictured: Kuwait]
Or, you’re with the terrorists, but you have oil.
[pictured: Egypt]
Or, you’re with us, but you hate us.
[pictured: Saudi Arabia]
Or, you’re with us, but you fund all the terrorism in the world.
[pictured: Pakistan]
Or, you’re 100% with the terrorists except for one little guy in charge.
[pictured: Iceland]
Or, you’re with us, but you can’t really help us.
[pictured: Iraq and Iran]
Or, you’re with the terrorists with each other, against us, even though you hate each other. Back to you, Jimmy.
Earlier this week, a man shot himself while inside St. Patrick’s Cathedral. When asked to comment, church spokesman Father Robertson said, “Girl, it’s a scandal.”
Giving in to public pressure, Cardinal Egan gave Manhattan prosecutors a list detailing 40 years of child sex abuse allegations against priests in the New York archdiocese. However, Egan made prosecutors promise that the list was their special secret, and if they ever told anyone else, God would be mad.
Hi, you reached the cell phone of John Walker Lindh. I can’t take your call right now, so leave a message.
Actor James Gandolfini wrote a letter to a Manhattan judge on behalf of his TV son Robert Eiler in an effort to get the robbery charges against the young “Sopranos” star dropped. Let’s say, uh – let’s hope it works better than Conrad Bain’s letter did.
Tina Fey: As you all know, history was made at the 74th Academy Awards when African-Americans took home both best actor and best actress. Here now, fresh off their Oscar wins, are Denzel Washington and Halle Berry.
[camera pans to Denzel Washington and Halle Berry; Denzel laughs, Halle cries]
Tina Fey: You’re welcome. Now, Denzel, you’ve had a few weeks to celebrate. Has it sunk in yet? Has it all sunk in?
Denzel Washington: You know, uh… you know, Tina, uh… it’s a… (laughs) You know, it’s an honor to have won such a prestigious award. I just feel great.
Tina Fey: Now, I see you have two Oscars there. Is that your Best Supporting Actor award for “Glory”?
Denzel Washington: No, no, no. No, it’s not. No. This is Al Pacino’s Oscar for “Scent of a Woman”. He won it over my performance in “Malcolm X” so in the words of my brother Malcolm, “I took it by any means necessary!”
Halle Berry: (cries) I want to thank Lina… and Dorothy… and Shirley from “What’s Happening?” Esther Rolle from “Good Times”!
Tina Fey: Is she okay?
Denzel Washington: No, no, no, Halle is gone. You know, I thought after two weeks she’d run out of people to thank, but she just keeps on keeping on. Unbelievable. We still love her, snot bubbles and all.
Halle Berry: That lady from the Pine-Sol commercials! I love her! Roz Abrams, Tootie from “The Facts of Life”! That topless girl from “Swordfish”! Oh, wait, that’s me!
Tina Fey: Well, Denzel, it must be very vindicating for you, after all your great performances, to finally be recognized like this.
Denzel Washington: Well, you know, Tina, I… uh…
[Julia Roberts enters]
Denzel Washington: Oh, no. Julia, what are you doing here?
Julia Roberts: I love my life! I love you, Denzel!
Denzel Washington: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Julia. My wife is watching.
Julia Roberts: I am so happy for you! What makes this moment so special is me being involved! The thing about me is that I’m rich and famous! There’s something so great about that!
Halle Berry: Nell Carter! Keshia Knight-Pullam! Raven-Symone, you go, girl! Strong black women like my mom!
Julia Roberts: And like me! Me, Julia Roberts!
Tina Fey: The Oscars, people! The Oscars!
After the successful return of an unmanned spacecraft, Chinese officials proclaimed the ship technically suitable for astronauts, furthering the country’s pursuit for space flights. Let me be the first to say, “China, welcome to the 1960’s.”
It was announced this week that after four years in Los Angeles, the Grammys will move back to New York City. Be careful, you guys. My grammy moved to Florida and like a month later, she died.
Tina Fey: (nods head) Bill Clinton – Bill Clinton revealed in Newsweek that he is getting a new chocolate lab to replace his dog, Buddy. Bill says, with Hillary away in D.C., he just needs another bitch in the house.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, snap! Oh, yes, you did!
Tina Fey: (gets up from her chair and starts flapping arms) Oh, no! Oh, no, you didn’t! Oh, snap! OKAYYYYY! (bends body down and stays still like a robot)
Jimmy Fallon: Uh-oh, I think the robot Tina broke down. Maintenance? Chris? I think the battery went down.
(Robot Tina is taken away by maintenance guy)
Jimmy Fallon: Can we get another robot Tina? Thanks. Sorry, folks, we usually get this taken care of in dress rehearsal.
(Replacement robot Tina enters with plastic bag on head, Jimmy takes it off)
Tina Fey: (robotically) Playboy is planning a spread called “The Women of Enron.” (normal voice) Come on, these women have lost their jobs, their retirement funds, and now they’ve got to lose all but this much of their pubic hair? Playgirl magazine is planning a spread called “The Men of Enron.” Editors say it seemed like a perfect match for Playgirl, which is known for photos of collapsing firms.
According to scientists, a mysterious patch of black water off the Florida coast is most likely the result of a bloom of algae. The scientists are probably right, but they still didn’t have to laugh at my shark diharrea theory.
Tina Fey: As fighting continues between Israel and the Palestinians, here with the latest report from the West Bank is Fox News war correspondent Geraldo Rivera. Geraldo, it’s Tina Fey. Can you hear me?
[cut to Geraldo Rivera in Ramallah]
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I’m here in the West Bank town of Ramallah. It’s the seventh stop on my Tour of Terror. It’s been another hellish day in the holy land in this battle of Bethlehem, in this – this Muslim mayhem, which some have called the “Jihad vs. Jesus”. Earlier this afternoon, Geraldo Rivera, I, was able to thwart a dastardly suicide bomber. A Palestinian man wearing a traditional jelibah approached me, preparing to detonate his dastardly, sorry self. But I said to him, “Geraldo comes in peace.” I did offer him, Tina, a handshake, I offered him a hug, the bomber then held me in his dastardly arms for several minutes whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Truly an affectionate moment between a suicide bomber and an award-winning Fox News reporter. Just two guys talkin’, Tina.
Tina Fey: Geraldo, is Colin Powell’s presence going to have a positive effect on an Israeli/Palestinian cease fire?
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that – just moments ago, Colin Powell spoke with Yasser Arafat, as well as Israeli prime minister Sharon. They both agreed that there’s only one man who can possibly broker a lasting peace, and that man’s name is Geraldo Rivera.
Tina Fey: Wait a minute, Sharon and Arafat mentioned you by name?
Geraldo Rivera: Apparently, Tina, this entire war-torn region tunes in religiously to watch Geraldo’s Tour of Terror. I’m something of a cult figure around here, a veritable Jerry Garcia of terror. These groupies follow me around the region. In fact, let’s take a look at my official Tour of Terror schedule.
[show list of Tour of Terror dates and places]
Tomorrow night, catch my Tour of Terror at Nassar Dome in Cairo, Egypt. Then, Geraldo’s Tour of Terror continues at the dastardly Mecca Square Arena in Saudi Arabia with opening act Shakira.
[show graphic of Geraldo and Shakira]
Tina Fey: Geraldo, what will you do after the Tour of Terror is over?
Geraldo Rivera: You know, that’s a great question, Tina. You know, I’ve been asked by Colin Powell to negotiate a West Bank peace treaty with the, uh, king of Jordan, Bashir al-Assad.
Tina Fey: Excuse me, but I believe al-Assad is the prime minister of Syria, not Jordan.
Geraldo Rivera: Well, Tina, if that’s true, I’m truly sorry. You know, of course, I’m only human. I’m born to make mistakes. You know, when you’re on a sold out Tour of Terror, it makes you a bearer of terror, saying a prayer-rer to be, uh, fairer would stop these terror errors. From the West Bank, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.
Tina Fey: Geraldo Rivera, everybody.
Ray Charles – Ray Charles is lending his name to a series of slot machines for the blind. Users can play dollars or quarters and can win up to one million bottle caps.
According to the May issue of Ladies’ Home Journal, Kathie Lee Gifford has written a first draft of what she calls a painfully honest book about her life. “Weekend Update” has obtained a copy of the book and an excerpt: “Me llamo Kathie Lee. Me life very hard sometimes. Me get mucho angry at Mr. Frank Gifford.” Kathie Lee, you had little Honduran kids write this book, didn’t you? Shame on you, Kathie Lee. Shame on you.
Jimmy Fallon: And now, an old friend to “Weekend Update”, children’s entertainer Jasper Hahn, everybody!
Jasper Hahn: Hey there, Jimmy! Oh, this is gonna be fun! I brought a new friend along with me, say hello to Trina Seville!
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, Trina.
Jasper Hahn: She’s going to help me introduce some of my new fuzzy buddies!
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, what are you going to draw for us today?
Jasper Hahn: Well, actually, Jimmy, I’m not going to draw for you today. Me and Trina are going to sing some songs, right, Trina?
Trina Seville: Oh, yeah, Jasper.
Jasper Hahn: She’s nice.
Trina Seville:“I’ve got a friend that lives below the sea, In a bowl of chowder he will never be, Doesn’t like to bathe, doesn’t like to shave, And he lives way down below, I love my stinky-bearded clam!”
(Jasper Hahn pulls out a bearded clam puppet)
Jasper Hahn: “I’m a stinky-bearded clam!”
Trina Seville: “I love my stinky-bearded clam!”
Jasper Hahn:“And I love you…”
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Music out! No, no, hey, that’s – that’s really filthy there, uh… what’s the matter with you two? What’s wrong?
Jasper Hahn: (talking through puppet) What, Jimmy? I mean, what? Wait! Can’t a clam have facial hair?
Jimmy Fallon: That song’s not about a clam.
Jasper Hahn: Shame on you, Jimmy! Shame! I don’t know what you think this song’s about, but shame on you!
Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing hanging out with this guy?
Trina Seville: That’s for me to know and you to figure out. Besides, he writes beautiful songs, like this one:
“I love my little kitty, He’s as sweet as sugar cane, But sometimes he gets in trouble When he’s dancing in the rain!”
Jasper Hahn: “Let me get my hands on that sweet little pussycat!”
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! No, no, no, no! Absolutely not! No way!
Jasper Hahn: What?!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, no.
(Trina takes out a cat puppet)
Jasper Hahn: What happened?! Aw!
Trina Seville: Meow-meow-meow! Jimmy doesn’t like me!
Jimmy Fallon: No, no, I do. I do like you. That’s not true. In fact, you know what –
Jasper Hahn: That’s a cat.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know what it is. In fact, I like it so much, I’ll let you do one more song.
Jasper Hahn: Aw! Thank you, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: You’re welcome.
Jasper Hahn: Thank you! You’re gonna love this one, Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know.
Jasper Hahn: You’re really gonna love this one, Jimmy.
Trina Seville: It’s the best one.
Jasper Hahn: Yep.
“He’s a chubby old rooster, He’s a good ‘ol good time booster! People say he’s lucky, he’ll grant you a wish, If you rub him nicely or slap him like a fish! He’s my big fat co–“
(Jasper takes out a rooster puppet and Jimmy covers Jasper’s mouth)
Trina Seville: “Let me rub that big fat–“
(Jimmy covers Trina’s mouth before she can finish)
Tina Fey: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Tina Fey. That’s Jasper Hahn. That’s Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Molly Simms…..Amy Poehler Jennifer…..Maya Rudolph Ranata…..Cameron Diaz Keith…..Tracy Morgan Donald Sutherland…..Will Ferrell Glenn Close…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on MTV Spring Break logo, Molly Simms surrounded by college students who scream after everything she says ]
Molly Simms: Hey, y’all! Welcome to MTV’s All-Request Spring Break Jams 2002! We’re coming to you live from Cancun, Mexico! Hey, is Mexico outrageous or what! We’re gonna be hanging all day playing your favorite Spting Break jams! [ beach ball hits her in the head ] Okay, let’s get this party started! Hey! What’s your name?
Jennifer: Hi, my name is Jennifer, I go to the University of Alabama! I’m majoring in Hotel Management, with a minor in Communications!
Molly Simms: Alright! And what’s your name?
Ranata: Hey, what’s up! My name’s Ranata, I’m a Junior at the University of Arizona, where I’m currently studying Meteorology!
Molly Simms: Okay, Ranata what Spring Break jam do you want to hear?
Ranata: I would like to hear Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”!
Molly Simms: Wow. That’s an oldie. But if it’s your favorite jam..
Ranata: Oh, it is!
Molly Simms: Well, then that’s what we’re here to do! Here it is, Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”!
[ song plays, as Ranata and Jennifer ]
Molly Simms: Alright! Okay! That was really hot! [ beach ball hits her in the head ] Okay! Alright! you’re playing a little rough there, guys, let’s cut it out! Okay, let’s see what’s up with Jennifer here! Jennifer, what jam do you want to hear?
Jennifer: Molly, I would like to hear Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”!
Molly Simms: Really? You don’t want to hear Ludicrus, or Ja Rule, or Shakira? I mean, Ranata just requested that!
Jennifer: No way, Molly. That’s my jam! I think it’s got a great groove, and I love the message!
Molly Simms: Well.. it’s a song from two years ago that wasn’t even good to start with.. but here’s
[ song plays ]
Molly Simms: Alright! Okay! Why don’t we move over here and see what other jams are in store for us, okay? Hey, sexy! What’s your name?
Keith: What’s up, Molly! My name is Keith! Go Brown!
Molly Simms: Oh, oh, you go to Brown?
Keith: No, I don’t go to school, I work at UPS!
Molly Simms: Okay, and what do you want to get your groove on to?
Keith: Oh, man! Get up for my boy C.C. and L’il Fats back home! I would like to request “Don’t Impress Me Much” by Shania Twizzain!
Molly Simms: What? Oh, my God..
[ song plays ]
Molly Simms: God, what is with you people?! Is this the only song y’all kick out and jam to? It’s so lame! Y’all suck! From all of us out here in Cancun and Big Audio, happy Spring Break. [ beach balls repeatedly hit her in the head ] I swar to God! I’m gonna kick that beach ball in your face, y’all! Stop it!
[ title card superimposes onto screen ]
[ camera zooms away from set, as Lorne Michaels approachs Cameron Diaz ]
[ camera pans across the studio to reveal Seth Meyers prancing about with a violin. He jaunts past a set where Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer sit made up as Donald Sutherland and Glenn Close. ]
Glenn Close: There you have it. A cockeyed look at the Spring Break phenomenon, from SNL.
Donald Sutherland: Not to mention, the velvet voice of Shania Twain.
Glenn Close: That does impress us much.
Donald Sutherland: There’ll be more laughs.. to come.. here on the 530th.. “Saturday Night Live”.
[ Glenn Close pours bottle of Nyquil into a glass and toasts Donald Sutherland ]
Bra #1…..Seth Meyers Scooch…..Jimmy Fallon Cutter…..Jeff Richards Groom Bra…..Jonny Moseley Bride…..Amy Poehler Bra Priest…..Chris Parnell
[ open on interior, back room of church just before Extreme Wedding is about to start. Bras are standing around chugging beers. ]
Bra #1: Alright, let’s hear it! Extreme Wedding status report!
Scooch: Yeah. Sexy groom’s guests, hot ten to a row, with a chance of curl in the back, if things get tight.
Cutter: Solid, Bro! I’ll ride up the bride’s side, rough up the middle with spillage, kicking it folding-chair style on the back end.
Bra #1: Gnarly work. Now, bras, this is a wedding, not a wake, so let’s stop being so stiff and rip the floor out of this turf!
All: Let’s do it!!
[ Groom Bra enters ]
Bra #1: Hey! Here’s the Groom Bra of the hour!
Cutter: What’s up, bra?
Scooch: What’s up, bra?
Bra #1: Hey, bra, what’s wrong? you look like you got the jitters.
Groom Bra: It’s not that, bra.
Bra #1: C’mon, bra, you can tell us. We’re your bras!
Groom Bra: Alright, bras. I’m a bit worried my wedding’s not gonna be extreme enough, bra.
Bra #1: Bra, this is gonna be the most extreme wedding of all time!
Groom Bra: Bra, it’s in as church. I always figured I’d get married on top of a mountain, or a volcano. If you ask me, this whole thing looks too much like a wedding, and not enough like a shredding.
Bra #1: Okay, bra.. bra.. who am I?
Groom Bra: You’re my bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My.. wonder-bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My.. Conan the Bra-barian.
Bra #1: That’s right! And you’re my bra-bra Streisand.
Scooch: Look, we know we weren’t your first choice for groomsmen, but who could have predicted that Pete would break his pelvis at the extreme bachelor party? And that Speedy would shatter four vertebrae at the extreme tuxedo fitting?
Groom Bra: Hey, did you visit Speedy at the hospital?
Bra #1: Yeah, bra.
Groom Bra: Did he say anything?
Bra #1: No, his jaw is still wired shut. The thing is, we know how much this extreme wedding means to you, and we’re gonna come through. Now, Cutter, you go polish the ninja throwing stars. And, Scooch, you make sure that flower girl fits in the cannon.
[ Cutter and Scooch exit room, as the worried Bride enters the room ]
Bride: Honey? Can I talk to you for a second?
Bras: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Bride: I know you’re not supposed to see the bride, you know, in my dress before the wedding..
Groom Bra: No, it’s just, like.. where’s your veil?
Bride: [ holding a veil wrapped around a helmet ] I won’t wear this!
Groom Bra: Honey, you can’t be extreme, without being extremely safe. Now, what’s the mood like out there?
Bride: Well..
Groom Bra: Are people ready to shred?
Bride: [ puts on her helmet veil ] I’ll tell you. To be honest, I think everyone is still a little shaken with what happened to Aunt Delores at the extreme rehearsal dinner.
Groom Bra: Agghh! Get over it! She broke her wrist!
Bride: Yeah! Well, she’s 84. And the doctor said the bone won’t heal right, and she’ll probably never knit again! Which is a shame, because, at 84, that’s pretty much all she does!
Groom Bra: [ to Bra ] Bra-llywood, could you give us a second?
Bra #1: Yeah, sure, bra. Sure. I’ll go check your harness.
[ Bra #1 exits room ]
Bride: Honey, I think this is getting a little out of hand.
Groom Bra: It’s your wedding day. All brides get nervous.
Bride: I’m not nervous about that.
Groom Bra: Then, what is it?
Bride: [ sighs ] I don’t know..
[ Bra #1 creeps into the room harnessed to a bungee cord, then springs back into the hall ]
Bride: I just don’t think my dad’s gonna make all the jumps. I mean, he says he can, but.. he’s just being proud. And I think my mom has enough to worry about, without having to double-check her parachute.
[ Bra #1 creeps into the room harnessed to a bungee cord ]
Bra #1: You know, she’d better double-check it, because, at that speed, the chute’s the only thing that’s gonna stop her from crashing through the stained glass!
Bride: Are you retarded?
Bra #1: Uh.. flame-retardent!
[ Bra springs back into the hall ]
Groom Bra: Sweetheart, listen. We could have an iron cross wedding.. hell, we could even have a quad twist wedding. But me, I want a dinner roll wedding. And I think you do, too. That’s why you’re marrying me, and not Yanni Litella.
[ Scooch and Cutter re-enter the room, with Cutter in a wheelchair ]
Cutter: Not cool, not cool!
Groom Bra: Oh, my God! What happened?
Scooch: Oh, man, Cutter tried to do a backflip over the alter, and he totally ate the pew!
Bride: Oh, my God! This wedding is a disaster!
[ out of it ] Does this mean I won’t make it to the Finals?
Bride: For the last time, this is not the Finals! It’s a wedding!
Scooch: Bra, I bet we could get some sick air if we send this wheelchair down the steps!
Cutter: Let’s do it, bra!
Scooch: Yeah! [ laughs ]
[ they exit ]
Groom Bra: Honey, there’s only one thing you need to remember – when I get into my retro-fitted German-made skeleton, and come barreling down our extreme wedding half-pipe, to shoot off the extreme ramp of matrimony, I’m gonna be thinking two things. One: how much I love you; and two: did I nail the landing.
Bride: Oh, my God.. you’ll nail that landing! Okay, I’m gonna go put my jetpack on.
Groom Bra: And, baby.
Bride: I know. Check the thrusters.
[ Bride exits room, as Bra #1 re-enters ]
Groom Bra: Bra, it’s showtime!
Bra #1: Let’s do it up!
Groom Bra: Hey, I can’t thank you enough for help.
Bra #1: Uh.. who am I?
Groom Bra: You’re my bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My a-bra-cada-bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My Cobra Commander.
Bra #1: And you’re my Bra-dley Whitford.
Groom Bra: Bra?
Bra #1: You know that dude on “The West Wing”? Forget it, it’s been a crazy day!
[ the priest suddenly crashes through the ceiling mounted on a boogie board ]
Bra Priest: Praise the Lord, you’re still here, bras! I think I overshot the pulpit by a few rooms.
Bra #1: Bra, it is hard finding a good extreme priest, bra.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
It was revealed this week that a shadow government consisting of 75 senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event the nation’s capital is attacked. This shadow government is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year.
President Bush wants to spend 3 hundred million dollars for classes and TV ads that encourages poor, single, mothers to stay off welfare by getting married. Bush will detail this program on the new fox show: who wants to stay married to an out of work drunk for $238.00 a month.
Two cross-country skiers were stripped their gold medals on Sunday after testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug. IOC officials got suspicious when cross country skiers tried to ski across the country.
Tina Fey: Ari Fleisher apologized this week for statements that implied that Bill Clinton’s failed peace plan was to blame for the current mideast violence. What is wrong with the Republicans? Let’s go over the Clinton administration again.
[ shows picture of Monica Lewinsky ]
He did this.
[ picture of violence and war ]
He didn’t do this.
[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]
He did this.
[ Enron picture ]
He didn’t do this.
[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]
He did this.
[ Dow Jones chart ]
He didn’t do this.
[ picture of Monica Lewinsky ]
He did this.
[ picture of Hillary Clinton ]
He did not do this.
[ Canadian skaters walk on ]
David Pelletier: Um, excuse us. Pardon.
Jamie Sale: Excuse, uh, sorry. Sorry to interrupt your comedy programming.
David Pelletier: Yeah.
Jamie Sale: We’re uh, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, the Canadian pair skaters.
Jimmy Fallon: Great. Great. What are you doing here?
David Pelletier: We were looking for fellow Canadian Lorne Michaels. Jamie and I thought we would be invited to host “Saturday Night Live”, but instead you chose U.S. Olympian Johnny Mosely, even though he came in fourth in his event. And we came in first and second at the same time.
Jamie Sale: Nobody’s ever done that.
David Pelletier: No. No.
Jimmy Fallon: Sorry guys, we already started the show. Johnny Mosely is the host.
David Pelletier: Well, the last time this happened, what really happened was the Russian’s won and then later, they say we won too, so we figured that it’s not too late. We can host the rest of the show. Maybe?
Jamie Sale: Yeah, ’cause we have to say, ya know, we’re so funny.
David Pelletier: Yeah. Jamie does a hilarious impression of our coach. Yeah. Do it.
Jamie Sale: Do it?
David Pelletier: Yeah.
Jamie Sale: Okay. “Go for it you guys!”
David Pelletier: It’s so funny. He sounds just like that.
Jamie Sale: He does.
David Pelletier: He does. Jamie does all kinds of funny characters. Do it.
Jamie Sale: Uh. Okay. Um, I call this character Quanesse. She is a black homeless from Montreal. “People say I’m crazy, but you don’t want to pay 4 dollars for coffee. Who’s crazy now, you monkeys?”
Tina Fey: That’s a good character.
Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good, I say.
Tina Fey: Yeah, but we already have a whole show.
Jamie Sale: Sorry.
Tina Fey: Jamie Sale and Davie Pelletier everybody!
It was reported this week that David Letterman may bring his late night talk show to ABC. Letterman has proclaimed interest in going to ABC, but it not yet positive he’d hate it there enough.
In other network news, John Madden, has left FOX and signed a 4 year deal as a commentator on Monday Night Football. How did ABC lure Madden away? Hot dogs!
Jimmy Fallon: With the Grammy Awards taking place last week and the Oscars less than a month away, this is a busy time in the world of entertainment. Here now with a report on all the behind the scenes news is Weekend Update’s gossip correspondent: Hollywood!
Hollywood: Uh, hold on. (on phone) Yeah. Totally. Ahhh. (OFF PHONE) What’s up everybody? What’s going on jimmy Fallon? It’s totally, it’s totally you’re getting haircuts everybody. It was long last week, but now it’s short, but it’s all good. Ahhh. Respect!
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks. Hollywood, what’s the juiciest piece of celebrity gossip? Have you heard any stuff lately?
Hollywood: Uh. Matthew Mconaughey, Brekin Meyer everybody! Seth Green, Melanie Griffith ya’ll. It’s all good. Ahh.
Jimmy Fallon: What about them? You just said their names. Are they doing anything?
Hollywood: Uh. Okay. Yesterday, I thought I saw Alanis Morisette. But then it turned out to be my cousin Dave everybody. Ahh. Respect!
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Uh.. did you at least go to the Grammy’s?
Hollywood: Uh, no I did not Jimmy Fallon. I was not invited at all y’all. But it’s all good. Ahh. Respect!
Jimmy Fallon: So Hollywood, did you ah-
Hollywood: Wait! Hold on. (on phone) Oh. What? Yeah. Totally? Ahhh.
Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Wait. Who are you talking to?
Hollywood: I don’t know. Maybe it was the star of 40 days and 40 nights. Josh Hartnett everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: Really? You were talking to Josh Hartnett?
Hollywood: No. That was totally my mom everybody. She said, she needs her car back ya’ll! But it’s all good. Ahh. Respect!
Tina Fey: Okay, Hollywood, let me explain something to you. Gossip is when you have an actual piece of relatively exclusive information about a celebrity. Do you understand?
Hollywood: Uh… I totally found these sunglasses by the pool, and I think they might belong to John Stamos everybody. Ahh. Respect! It’s all good!
Jimmy Fallon: Hollywood everybody!
Hollywood: Everybody! Everybody!
A cow that escaped from an Ohio slaughter house was spared last week after former Cincinnati Red’s owner Marge Schott agreed to let it live on her farm. Schott was touched by the story because she once escaped from the same slaughter house.
At a karaoke bar in Manila last week, a man who sarcastically applauded a singers version of “My Way” was killed by the singer and his friend. Eyewitnesses call it the best Frank Sinatra impression they had ever seen.
This past Wednesday marked what astronomers say was the best full moon. Meanwhile this past Thursday marked the darkest half moon when Al Roker bent over wearing sweatpants.
Former teen pop star Tiffany reportedly discussed her upcoming pictorial with her 8-year-old son by showing him models in Vogue magazine. Tiffany explained the difference by saying “Mommy is not this classy.”
Jimmy Fallon: This week a professional clown is Saugerties, New York- [ pie is thrown at him ] Guys! Way too early! Way too early! We rehearsed this like a million times. Wait until the punch line. The punch line is: he got hit in the face with the pie. [ another pie is thrown at him ] I’m just saying what the punch line is. Let’s just uh, let’s just try it again.
Uh, this week a man in Saugerties, New York- [ another pie is thrown at him ] We won’t. we just won’t do it!
Tina Fey: Jimmy, don’t worry. We’ll just try it again next week!
Jimmy Fallon: No. Okay. For Weekend Update I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Ian: Salutations, my sheep-like followers! I’m Ian, and this is MTV4! That’s right, MTV4! MTV4 is so hip and underground; you can’t call your local cable company to get it. You just turn on your TV, and if it’s there, well, you must be cool enough. All right, if you’re looking at me right now that means that MTV4 picked you! So congratulations or whatever. Today on our World Music Showcase, we feature a band called…eeerrkch…Crash Papayas! They’re chicks, and they’re Japanese, and they’re super-duper underground. So don’t turn your front and lie that you’ve heard ’em, because you haven’t, suckas! Give it up for Crash Papayas!
(All members of the group giggle)
Crash Papayas: Thank you, thank you.
Lead Singer: One Two Three!
(Crazy music starts)
Lead singer: Peaches On My Eyes!
All members: Go To Bed!
Lead Singer: Rough Dogs have Bumps!
All members: Go to bed!
Lead Singer: Bad Gutless Purse!
All Members: Orange Smile!
Lead Singer: Disposable Weather Cock!
(Music stops)
(All members giggle)
All members: Omi gato, thank you.
Girl #2: Next song very romantic.
Lead Singer: Up yours! OKAY? One Two Three Faaa!
(Crazy music starts)
Lead Singer: Raw Egg Biscuit Factory!
All Members: NOOO!
Lead Singer: Chipped Stew on the Wall!
All Members: NOOO!
Lead Singer: Pink Purple Green Yellow!
All Members: RARR!
Lead Singer: Bad Angel Why You So Bad?
All Members: OY!
(Music stops)
(All members giggle)
Crash Papaya: Thank you, thank you.
Girl #1: Next song is cover.
Girl #2: Oak-a-ridge-boys-eh. El-el-el…
All Members: Elvira. Elvira!!
Lead singer: Dedicated to New York Citayyy!
All Members: Go Yankees. Go Yankees!!
Girl #1: Nobody beats de Wiz.
Lead Singer: Up yours! OKAY? One Two Three Faaa!
(Crazy music starts)
All Members: Aaaaaaaaaahh…
(Music stops)
All members: Elvira!
All Members: Giddy Up. Thank you. Omi gato.
Ian: Wow! Your sound is so new and hot, if I tried to put it into words, I’d explode!
Lead Singer: Very good.
Ian: So, it’s your first visit to the United States. What do you guys plan to do?
Lead Singer: Hot Dog!
Girl #2: um…Suitcase!
Girl #3: Hand Lotion!
Lead Singer: America’s funniest videos!
Girl #(?): A white castle, sulky Chan, au calamite. Go down the Rolla coaster. (??)
Ian: Okay…good luck with that. Well, I hope you kick ass on your American tour! Hey, who directed your new video?
Lead singer: Sean.uh.Puffy…Combs.
Girl #3: No, no! Sean John!
Girl #2: No P. Diddy!
All Members: P. Diddy!! P.Diddy!!
Ian: Great! Youre watching MTV4 and. (looks at watch)…we’re not cool anymore. MTV4 is done; we’re shutting it down! All right! Maybe we’ll see you on MTV5!!
President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. Tonight, I speak not only to you, the American people, but, through the cooperation of the Al-Jezzera network, to the people of the Arab world as well. You see, for too long our nation has failed to join the battle for world opinion and has allowed propaganda and lies from the enemies of freedom to go unanswered. As a result, throughout the Arab world, people believe terrible things about America that just aren’t so. It’s time to expose some of these myths for the lies they are.
Myth number one: The belief all too common in the Middle East that Operation Enduring Freedom is somehow a war on Islam. This is simply untrue. While it does appear that several of the September 11th hijackers were Muslim, believe me, I wasn’t even aware until somebody mentioned it the other day, that Islam is popular in Afghanistan as well. In any case, why would our nation be at war with Islam? If you read the Quran, as I do almost constantly, you’d know that Islam is a religion of peace. Also, many prominent Americans are Muslim. For example, former Minnesota Vikings reciever Ahmed Rashad. So, so there you are. America is definitely not at war with Islam.
Myth number two, or dos: The claim most recently reported in the Egyptian newspaper Al-Aram, that the events of September 11th did not take place, or, that if they did, it was an attempt by the British Secret Service to assassinate Princess Di and Dodi Fayed, having botched the operation four years ago. I checked this out: not true.
Myth number three: Again, believed by all too many in the Arab world, that America only cares about the Middle East because of its oil. False. America is interested in your part of the world for a number of reasons, but mostly, as I mentioned earlier, because Ahmed Rashad is a Muslim.
Myth number four, cuatro: Reported this week in the Pakistani press that the United States will insist that Penthouse publisher Bob Guccioni will be part of any post-Taliban government. Simply not true. That is for the people of Afghanistan to decide. Although, he is a good man. And like me, reads the Quran constantly.
Myth number five: Believed almost everywhere in the Arab world and even in parts of our own country, that if you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time, you will die. False. It’s false! According to the head of the Center for Disease Control, you can’t even do it. It’s impossible! It really is. Physical impossiblity.
Myth number six: According to polls, some 90 percent of the Arab world believes that some years ago, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Saddam Hussein and the Sultan of Brunei were kidnapped by the CIA and replaced by Israeli look-alikes and that later these look-alikes were killed and replaced by Israeli robots, one of which is a lesbian robot. Also, one of the robots is invisible. Let me just say that this is, at best, a gross simplification of the truth. There’s a lot more to that story than that! And, anyway, it happened during the Clinton administration.
Myth number seven: Also believed by many Arabs, that moustaches on women are sexy. Now, I went back and forth about including this one. It’s not exactly a myth, just a personal preference I don’t happen to share. But in any event, that is for the Afghani people to decide.
And finally, myth number eight: Believed by many in your part of the world, that “Saturday Night Live” is taped before a live audience, a live studio audience for later rebroadcast. It’s not true. As a matter of fact.. (in Arabic) ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Sully: Hey, Tommy! Tommy, is it on? What’s up? This is Pat Sullivan at the Lexington High School Fall Formal! My boy Tommy and I are officially covering it for our video yearbook. I am sporting my signature cream-colored tux, as well as the top hat I bought last summer at Hats in the Belfry in Quincy, Mahkets. David Lee Roth, eat yah heart out!
[ Denise enters scene ]
Denise: Oh, my Gahd! Sully, I scoped it out! Apparently, your $35 gets you chips, pretzels and English muffin pizzas. Four-star cuisine? I beg to differ!
Sully: Luckily, Denise and I bring a party with us wherever we go!
Denise: Oh, yeah! These are my own creation. Zazoo’s famous Sharks-in-a-Blanket. Simply soak an everyday hot dog bun in Vodka, and enjoy!
Sully: To passersby, you appear to be simply eating a bag of hot dog buns.
Denise: Yeah! This near-perfect food coats your stomach as it inebriates.
Sully: My girl is a genius! Denise, you are a vision of juggery. Tell the video yearbook who you are wearing.
Denise: Alright, this is a two-tone acetate creation, that was purchased during a rare, yet torturous, mother-daughter shopping spree at Brisbon’s.
Sully: May I say, that dress is gonna look wicked good crumpled up on the soccer field behind the junior high!
Denise: You ah so retahded!
Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]
[ Maureen enters scene ]
Maureen: Oh, my Gahd! Denise, I have an emergency, I am totally freaking out!
Sully: What a shockah.
Denise: Calm down, Mo. Settle, settle!
Sully: Denise’s best friend, Maureen. While she is empirically hot, she is more dramatic than a hospital scene in a Mexican soap opera.
Denise: Unload yah problems on Dr. Zazoo. Zazoo!
Maureen: I just felt so wicked guilty, Denise. I nevah should have come here tonight without Scottie.
Denise: Oh, my Gahd. Maureen is unaccompanied tonight because her long-time boyfriend Scottie is in federal custody for mailing a parcel of baking powder to Mr. Mirge.
Sully: Although Mirge is in perfect health, the authorities did detect trace amounts of brown spores in his jahkey shorts!
Maureen: Scottie Donovan has no link to the Al-Quaida network, and it will be proven so in a court of lawh! [ crying ] Oh, my Gahd.. Scottie is such a sweethaht, and I’m so totally about to cheat on him with Shane DeSalvo!
Denise: Maureen, you can survive one night by yourself! Come on!
Sully: When Denise went to Regionals for softball, I busied myself with other prahjects. Sometimes I busied myself four or five times a day. On one occasion, my mother caught me busying myself to a particularly fetching photo of Sela Wahd on the cover of “Redbook”.
Maureen: Eugh!
Denise: You ah so gross!
Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]
Maureen: Denise, I’m not as strong as you! Scottie is the mirror which reflects my self-esteem, and without his loving gaze, I am all but forced to turn to the waiting arms and probing tongue of Mr. Shane DeSalvo.
Denise: Maureen, you gotta be yah own person!
Sully: Hey, Tommy, get a shot of this! I can make her ahm look like a butt! [ folds her arm over to demonstrate ]
Denise: Look, Maureen, you gotta respect yourself before anybody else is gonna respect you.
Maureen: Zazoo, you ah so smaht. I’m gonna go under the bleachers and tell Shane no.
Denise: Alright. Good girl.
[ Maureen exits ]
Sully: Crisis averted. Now, no formal would be complete without professional quality photos to preserve your memories and her mammories.
Denise: Shut up!
Sully: You shut up! [ they make out as he carries her to the backdrop ] This year’s theme is Crisp Autumn Nights/United We Party. So the Mirecker Photo Company has provided a backdrop of both fall foliage and a picture of Congress.
Photographer: Oh, my Gahd! Oh, hi, how are you kids, you look gorgeous. How about it, huh? Tie me a life, right?
Denise: Yeah..
Photographer: Alright. Put your ahms around her, alright, great. I want you to cock your head a little bit to the left, alright? I need ya to cock it. Alight? Give me a little more cock, I need a little bit more cock.
Sully: Tommy, are you getting this!
[ Tommy nods ]
Photographer: Alright, over here, now. Here’s a birdie, watch her. [ snaps picture ] Good, alright, you’re on.
Sully: Hold on, uh.. I gotta get a shot with my other escort for the evening. [ turns around to reveal “Nomar 5” painted on his tux ] Nomar!! Nomar, baby!!
Denise: Oh, my Gahd, Sully, you’re gonna lose your deposit!
Sully: Nuh-uh! I’m gonna dye the tux black before I return it.
Denise: Oh, good thinking.
Sully: Yeah.
[ Maureen re-enters scene ]
Maureen: Oh, my Gahd, Denise, I’m having a conniption! Frank offered me a sip of his drink, and it turns out he crushed up his cat’s asthma medicine and mixed it with Sunny D! I feel kinda dizzy! Oh, my Gahd, am I gonna die!
Denise: No!
Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!
Denise: No!
Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!
Denise: No!
Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!
Denise: No!
Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!
Denise: No! Seriously, Mo, cut the hystrionics, you’re not gonna perish!
Sully: Nothing to worry about. Frank’s been eating cat pills for years. The only side effect is super-human night vision.
[ Frank enters scene ]
Frank: Hey, Maureen. I can see through your dress.
Maureen: I swear to Gahd, Frank. When the FBI releases Scottie, he is gonna kick your ass so hard!
Frank: Nuh-uh. I can see through a door, I would know if he was coming. And I’d be waiting for him with my nunchucks!
Denise: [ looking ] Oh, my Gahd! Hide the contraband! Here comes Ms. Polaski!
[ Teacher enters ]
Teacher: Hey, whaddaya got there, hot dog buns?! Yeah, I’m on to you, Sullivan! Your wet buns better have a weiner in them!
Kathy: Hi! How are you? Oh, if it isn’t the birthday boy himself!
Mrs. Attebury: Well, at least he was two months ago. I mean, I had to postpone this whole shindig like up-teen times. First that terrorist business, and if that wasn’t enough, Minolo, my pastry chef, gets run over by a bicycle.
Mr. Attebury: I never said I wanted a party, Ginger.
Kathy: I mean, can the international news be more inconvenient these days? I mean, this whole war thing is like, too much. Don’t you just love it?
Mrs. Attebury: I can’t stand it! I mean, you don’t have to tell me. I mean, I had to move this whole affair over to the club at the last minute. We received a suspicious package from Sotheby’s. So, I had to truck in a whole haz-mat squad to decontaminate the entire house. I mean, you just can’t take any chances. You just can’t.
Kathy: I know. People seem to just be going crazy. I heard that Charlie McCatcher and his wife started experiencing double vision at the same time. They immediately go to the doctor, assuming they have the anthrax. Turns out it was only their cook, who had been trying to poison them. Isn’t that just dreadful? I mean, don’t you love it?
Mrs. Attebury: I mean, that is just deluxe! I love it! I mean, people are just so skiddish these days. It seems like everyone is just overreacting.
Mr. Attebury: You mean like sending an entire haz-mat team over to the house?
Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. It’s just too much. You know who is really overreacting is those postal workers.
Kathy: Yeah! I mean, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Mr. Attebury: I’m going to the bar. (Walks away)
Mrs. Attebury: Grab me another splash, would you darling? Now, just so you know: Leslie has invited a few friends from the office, one of whom is apparently of Persian decent.
Kathy: Oh, my! What a coincidence! I thought I had a Persian gardener for six years until I found out he was Mexican.
Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. You might want to mind your p’s and q’s when it comes to the recent unpleasantness. I wouldn’t mention anything about wars, or caves, or turbans, or any of that kind of thing. Les! Oh! Les, over here!
(Mr. Attebury comes back with Kurt al-Darwis)
Mr. Attebury: Ladies, this is Kurt al-Darwis.
Kathy: Well, look at you! Without the turban, I can tell you’re one of the good ones!
Mrs. Attebury: (laughs) But seriously, I mean, you must be in a real pickle right now. I mean, who do you root for in this little tennis match? I mean, your new homeland or the folks back home in the caves?
Mr. Attebury: You’re a regular ambassador, Ginger.
Kurt: No, it’s alright. Actually, I was born in Wisconsin. My grandfather was Lebanese.
Kathy: Well, you must be familiar with some of these customs. I mean, I know your people have done some pretty horrible things, but you have to admit that they do know how to make the most wonderful rugs!
Kurt: Excuse me?
Mrs. Attebury: And I know, it’s true. Sign me up for one of those head to toe, full length numbers. I mean, believe me, the way I look some mornings I’d just rather throw one of those things on and be donw with the whole thing!
Kathy: Maybe they should start carrying those at Talbots!
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, they should! Wouldn’t that be a neat cross-cultural thing! Kurt, now do your wives have to wear those things?
Kurt: Well, actually my wife is a Methodist, so, no.
Mrs. Attebury: Now, Kurt, don’t take this the wrong way….
Mr. Attebury: I’m sure he will.
Mrs. Attebury: …But I just have to ask you, did you take a lot of gus from your family for shaving off that long beard?
Kurt: Beard? Right…
Mr. Attebury: Scotch?
Kurt: Yes, thank you!
Kathy: Now, tell me Kurt, have you taken your pilgrimage yet?
Kurt: Uh, no, actually…..
Kathy: I know personally I feel the same way about the back room at Lohman’s. It’s like my own personal little Mecca.
(Kathy and Mrs. Attebury laugh)
Kurt: Well, I think that I have a magic lamp that needs polishing. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hop on my camel and go.
(Kurt leaves)
Mrs. Attebury: Hmph! Well, now I know how Salman Rushdie must feel.
