Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
By now, the lion was only a few yards behind me, and gaining fast. If I could make it to the cliff, I would jump and hope I landed in the river below. I jumped, and the lion, unable to stop, fell with me. He caught up with me in midair, and began mauling me. We splashed into the foaming river, and the lion swam over and mauled me some more. I heard the sound of the approaching waterfall. If I could only.. no.. too late. Dead.
Carmelo (Announcer)…..Horatio Sanz Rebecca…..Maya Rudolph Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond Patricia Veleez…..Gwyneth Paltrow Man with Gary, the dog…..Tracy Morgan
Carmelo: Now it’s time for Fiesta Politica with your host, Rebecca!
Rebecca: (singing and dancing surrounded by men) “Caliente, men are hot! Caliente, men are hot! ¿Que? Hot things are hot! Hot, hot, hot! ¡Oy!”
Carmelo: Ooh! Rebecca!
Rebecca: Oy, gracias, Carmelo!
Carmelo: Ok!
Rebecca: Ok. Time now to get serious. This is my political talk show, where we talk about the politics. Now … let’s …. do it! Ay, ay, ay! (Sits down) Seriously now, serious, I am seriously about this. My first guest is from the politics, Donald Rumsfeld! Ay, Donald!
(Enter Donald Rumsfeld)
Donald Rumsfeld: (mumbling to self) What the hell?
Rebecca: Hola! So, Donald, you do the politics?
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, I’m the United States Secretary of Defense. I’m touring Latin America explaining the U.S. position in the Middle East.
Rebecca: Oh, ok. Now what is like being the male secretary?
Donald Rumsfeld: (shakes head) I’m not exactly a male secretary. It’s more complex than that.
Rebecca: You know what I think is complex? Is the men. They have the nice muscles, and their beautiful fingers, and of course, their gorgeous bananas!
Carmelo: Ooh! (Stuffs a banana in his mouth) Bananas!
Donald Rumsfeld: What the hell kind of place is this?
(Doorbell rings)
Rebecca: Oy! Who is it? It’s a surprise! It’s a surprise! Come in.
(Enter Patricia Veleez)
Patricia Veleez: Hola!
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! It’s Patricia Veleez from show de television’s “Noches de Amor!” Hola, Patricia!
Patricia Veleez: Hola! I went from one TV show to a different TV show. Two TV shows. Two TV shows!
(Rebecca and Patricia scream in excitement)
Rebecca: It’s wonderful! Welcome to the show! Patricia, this is politic, Donald Rumsfeld!
Patricia Veleez: Ooh!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ladies, I think there is a misunderstanding. I was told that this was a political show.
Rebecca: Yes, we are really going to get down to the gritty nitties of the politics. But first!
(Patricia and Rebecca grab microphones and the men from earlier come back out dancing again)
Patricia Veleez: Sing!
Rebecca: Come on, Donald!
Patricia and Rebecca: (singing) “Can you feel it?”
Donald Rumsfeld: (interrupting) What the hell?
Patricia and Rebecca: (still singing) “Can you feel it? I’m on fire, Grab your coat, now, Put it out now!”
Patricia Veleez: Ay, madre!
Carmelo: Ooh! She said “put it out!!”
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! This is the best political talk show I ever have!
Patricia Veleez: I never liked the politics, but when I sing and dance about it I feel, ooh! Ay, madre! What about you, Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t have any idea what you are talking about, but by God, it’s refreshing!
Rebecca: Patricia, tell us about your role on “Noches de Amor.”
Patricia Veleez: I play Cristina and Pescina Morales. They are very wealthy twins, and one is evil.
Rebecca: Ok. (Whistle blows in background) Oh, no! I can’t believe this is happening!
Patricia Veleez: Ay!
Donald Rumsfeld: What’s going on?
Rebecca: Everybody, it’s Gary!
(Man comes out pushing a cart with a small chihuahua on it)
Rebecca and Patricia Veleez: Hola Gary!
Donald Rumsfeld: Hi Gary!
Carmelo: Ooh! Gary!
Man: That’s right everyone! Gary has a haircut!
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! Hola Gary! You just keep getting prettier! Oh, my baby! Oh, Gary. Adios, Gary! Bye, bye, my baby!
Donald Rumsfeld: Bye, Gary!
Patricia Veleez: Now, Donald. Tell us about the Northern Alliance’s taking of Mazar-e-Sharif!
Donald Rumsfeld: Look, why don’t you just forget Ubekistan ….. you gals are lovely, lonely, and damn, you’re fine! God bless you!
Rebecca: Come on, Donald! Here’s the fun part! Come on! (singing) “Fiesta Politica! Fiesta Politica!”
Donald Rumsfeld: What?
Rebecca: I love it! Thank you so much for joining!
(Rumsfeld dances with Gary as Patricia and Rebecca sing)
Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and withthe Presidential Race still too close to call, “Saturday Night Live” wouldlike to present “A Glimpse of our Possible Future”.
[ open on Scenario I ]
Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:George W. Bush.
[ open on the Oval Office – beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, abarbecue grill burning on his desk ]
Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!
President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can’t make me!You’re gonna yell at me again!
Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!
President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don’t want to goout, it’s too hard!
Voice of Advisor: You’re on, Sir!
President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America!So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the HooverDam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a CivilWar, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrewsthe lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you,ol’ buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think wecan agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years ofmy presidency..
Voice of Advisor: You’ve been President for two weeks!
President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard!Okay, listen.. I’m just gonna get this Address thing over with. As weassess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas inCommunist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When didall this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire – even I knowthat’s not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. Iain’t gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..
Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!
George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. ‘Cause I’ve been workinghard, I got a plan that’s gonna solve all of it – from the deficit, toforeign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: OstrichMeat.
Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyonegets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich..that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches,right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big titbuilding is on fire again – damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gottatake care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrichambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, “Live,from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Charlize Theron: Thank you! I’m delighted to be here in New York,hosting the show. I actually wasn’t even born in the United States – I wasborn and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!
Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not a Sir. I’m Tracy Morgan, I’m on the show.
Charlize Theron: Oh, really?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn’t have much to do this week, so I skippedthe practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?
Charlize Theron: Yes, that’s right.
Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you’re an African-American?
Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I..I never thought of it that way..
Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinkingabout it that way!
Charlize Theron: You’re right. People always think I’m Swedish orGerman.. but I’m African-American, you’re right!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because thisbusiness is rough!
Charlize Theron: You’re right.
Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I’m right! So, I saw you in thatnew movie with Will Smith.
Charlize Theron: Yeah, “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. It’s me, andWill, and Matt Damon.
Tracy Morgan: I don’t know him.
Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?
Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff’screw. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]
Charlize Theron: That’s the guy with the iguana, right?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out apack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?
Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That’s okay.I got my Kools.
Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in “Bagger Vance”, I knew you wasAfrican-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..
Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.
Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: “Let Will Smithhit the ball, man! He’s like Tiger Woods!”
Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?
Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn’t get to see it all. They had kicked usout because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the thirdaisle – but I didn’t have nothin’ to do with that! But we all know whatthe real reason was.
Charlize Theron: Because you’re African-American.
Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It’s about time they let a sister host this show! And you’re fine, too!
Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, butthat’s okay. Anyway, I’m gonna let y’all get on with your show – it’s abig one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?
Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, Ican’t vote.
Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can’t, either. I got convicted of a felony.Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?
Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy stepsaway ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we’ll beright back!
Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz Kevin Gustafson…..Tom Green Maria Muldaur…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: You’re watching BET, Black Entertainment Television. Now it’s time for Rap Street, with your hosts, your favourite old school rappers, Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Word up, word up, word up!
Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam. How y’all homeboys and homegirls doin’ out there? Yeah! Woo!
Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh. Now, as you know, this show is dedicated to old school hip-hops.
Kid Shazzam: That’s right, cuz we started hip-hops back in 1972 when we got back from Vietnams.
Grandmaster Rap: Oh, terrible conflict.
Kid Shazzam: Napalms and Miss Saigons.
Grandmaster Rap: Agents and orgies and what not. Woo!
Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s start the show. Grandmaster Rap?
Grandmaster Rap: Mm-hmm?
Kid Shazzam: Have you seen that video with that little nasty girl, Little Kims?
Grandmaster Rap: Oh, easy now kid, easy!
Kid Shazzam: Talkin’ about her private parts like they’re juicy and what not.
Grandmaster Rap: When we rapped, we didn’t rap about givin’ your man friend fellat-i-os. We rapped about good stuff like sneakers.
Kid Shazzam: And people who talk too much.
Grandmaster Rap: And partying all night long!
Kid Shazzam: And not stopping till the break-a break-a dawn!
Grandmaster Rap: We are Grandmaster Rap
Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: And this is what we do, we gotta rap rap rap and rock rock rock, rip rop rippity doo!
Kid Shazzam: My name is Kid Shazzam and I’d like to say hello.
Grandmaster Rap: My name is Grandmaster Rap and I’ll say hello also.
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: But first we gotta rap rap, rippity rap rap, rip rop rippity do, you know our rhymes are funky fresh, rip rop rippity doo! Word! Funky! Fresh!
[ they spout gibberish as they join hands and “groove” ]
Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh indeed!
Kid Shazzam: That was sweet!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!
Grandmaster Rap: Word to your mother, word to your mother.
Kid Shazzam: Well, it’s that time of the show when we honour another one of our fallen homeboys. Our good friend “The Rappin’ Kid” got shot last night.
Grandmaster Rap: With about 20 CC’s of epinepherine. But it was too late, after four heart attacks and two bypasses, I guess it was his time.
Kid Shazzam: He’s survived by his wife Penelope, his children James, Margaret and Thomas, and his grandkids Sheniqua, Ashante and Dorito. And his great grandkid Uridium.
Grandmaster Rap: Who’s currently in his third year of law school. This is for you, Rappin’ Kid.
Kid Shazzam: To the brothers who couldn’t be here.
Grandmaster Rap: That’s right, that’s right, word up, word up.
Kid Shazzam: Okay now. People’s always askin’ us, do you like any new rap that’s out now?
Grandmaster Rap: No. But we did see this one youngster at the club the other night, and he was the only one who wasn’t talkin’ about penises and gold knives. And we have taken him under our wangs.
Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s bring him out. Let’s give a big Rap Street welcome to Mr. MC Kevin Gustafson.
Kevin: I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good good boy, I’m a good good boy, look at me, look at me, I’m a good boy. I’m a nice boy, I do things that are really nice. That’s why they call me a nice boy, I’m a nice boy.
Maria: Midnight at the oasis, put your camels to bed, you don’t know places, spaces, moonlight in your head…
Kevin: I’m a nice boy, and I like to wear undies. Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies! When I wear undies, it’s really really funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny. Undies! Undies are funny! I like to wear undies because they’re so funny! Funny! Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies!
Maria: Midnight at the oasis!
Kevin: Funny undies!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!
Grandmaster Rap: Word up, now did y’all hear that, did you hear that, that, suckas, those rhymes were hardcore!
Kid Shazzam: It don’t come no doper, no doper. I liked that part about the underwears too. Let that be a lesson to you Little Kims. Maybe you should put some on!
Grandmaster Rap: Word up, word up, those underwears have a purpose, to cover your damn stuff up. Well, Kevin Gustafson, welcome to Rap Street. Now tell the folks where you grew ups.
Kevin: Ottawa, Canada.
Kid Shazzam: Oo, Canada. We had some friends who ran up there during the Vietnams War, didn’t we?
Grandmaster Rap: Sure did, word up, word up.
Kid Shazzam: Chickens, that’s what they were.
Grandmaster Rap: Yeah, bunch of yellow-bellies. All right, now Kevin Gustafson, won’t you join us in a little old school raps? [ he nods ] All right!
Kid Shazzam: One for the treble!
Grandmaster Rap: Two for the bass!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Come on, Kevin Gustafson, rock this place!
Kevin: Well, I’m Kevin G, in the place to be, and I’m in the place to be, with Kevin G, I don’t rap about bad stuff, that’s not me, and that’s not fun, now we’ve just begun..
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: We gotta rap, rap, a-rippity a-roppity, a-rip rop rippity doo!
Announcer: Promotional consideration provided by Jeri Curl. It’s not out of style, you is! And by Rockso’s turkey and pancakes. It’s Food! And Ebony-Sure, the dope diapers for all blacks, cuz sometimes, you mess yourself.
Grandmaster Rap: That’s the end of the show!
Kid Shazzam: Good night everybody!
Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Rip rop rippity doo!
Bill O’Reilly…..Jeff Richards Thomas Woodward…..Chris Parnell Susan van Etten…..Amy Poehler
Bill O’Reilly: Hello, everybody, I’m Bill O’Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the “environmentalists”. He’s Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.
Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.
Bill O’Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California’s growing need for electricity.
Thomas Woodward: That’s right.
Bill O’Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people – tell me where I’m wrong!
Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.
Bill O’Reilly: I don’t know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there’s people everywhere! You can’t move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York’s got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.
Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown –
Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!
Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!
Bill O’Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you’ve got your opinion, I’ve got mine. We’re not gonna settle this tonight.
Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?
Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I’ll give you the last word.
Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?
Bill O’Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.
Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you’re not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it’s still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that’s tonight’s Unresolved Problems.
Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth’s atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She’s Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.
Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.
Bill O’Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.
Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 –
Bill O’Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?
Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.
Bill O’Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that’s a byline, but I’m just not buying it. You’ve got carbon, you’ve got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don’t care what you do to the carbon!
Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does –
Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don’t buy it! But let’s move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.
Susan van Etten: That’s correct.
Bill O’Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world’s tallest mountain peak. I say the world’s tallest peak is Space Mountain – tell me where I’m wrong!
Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?
Bill O’Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?
Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it’s a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it’s in California, not Alaska.
Bill O’Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?
Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining –
Bill O’Reilly: I’m sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?
Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.
Bill O’Reilly: Well, I appreciate you’re coming on The Factor. And I’ll give you the last word.
Susan van Etten: Uh..
[ time’s up ]
Bill O’Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.
Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: “Bill, normally I’m a fan of ‘The Factor’s’ hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was ‘out of her mind’ was simply uncalled for.”
Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.
Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: “Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn’t.”
And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: “Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State.”
Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.
And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don’t study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that’s all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Good night.
Wade Blasingame…..Will Ferrell Perry Meigs…..Ana Gasteyer Johnson Young…..Tracy Morgan Doug Blasingame…..Chris Parnell House Owner…..Horatio Sanz
Wade Blasingame: Hi. I’m Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer – the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?
[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]
How about if they did this:
[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women’s yard ]
Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]
Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:
[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]
No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It’s not!Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I’ve sued over 2,000 canines, and I’m willing to do it for you!
[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]
Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ]
[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]
Wade Blasingame: I’ve been responsible for over 23 dogs put down – and 3 more scheduled to die!
[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]
Dogs don’t deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!
[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]
Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them – but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he’d kill the dog.
[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]
Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember – you wouldn’t let a person do this to your yard:
[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner’s yard and take a crap ]
Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here! [ half-naked man runs off ]
Wade Blasingame: So don’t let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me – Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who’d been simulating a dog’s behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we’ll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]
Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He’s man’s best friend!
Master of Ceremonies…..Chris Kattan American Bachelor Chef…..Charlie Sheen Iron Chef Japanese…..Horatio Sanz Yoko Akino…..Molly Shannon Toshi Taguda…..Chris Parnell Hiroko Yamazaki…..Rachel Dratch Yakimuro Saijo…..Darrell Hammond Emeril…..Chris Parnell
Master of Ceremonies: Today in Kitchen Stadium, the Iron Chef takes on an American challenger, in the battle of Iron Chef Japanese vs. the American Bachelor Chef. The Iron Chef Japanese, Machiharo Karomotu, comes from the Kutimano School of Cooking, and is known for his fusion of western influences in traditional Japanese cuisine. And the American Bachelor Chef, Derek Parsons, worked at a snack bar for two summers, and once made chili to impress a girl he wanted to have sex with.
American Bachelor Chef: What’s up, Japan? I’m gonna kick your ass tonight, just like we kicked your ass in Vietnam!
Master of Ceremonies: Now it is time to introduce today’s theme ingredient. [ pulls cloth ] Shark Heads! The chefs must use shark heads in all of their dishes. [ chefs take their trays of shark heads back to their stoves ] Let’s meet our celebrity judges: Singer Yoko Akino..
Yoko Akino: I’m so happy to be here! [ giggles ]
Master of Ceremonies: Photographer Toshi Taguda..
Toshi Taguda: Yes, ladies, it’s me!
Master of Ceremonies: Fortune Teller Hiroko Yamazaki..
Hiroko Yamazaki: Thank you for having me!
Master of Ceremonies: And famous murderer Yakimuro Saijo..
Yakimuro Saijo: I can’t wait to get my mouth on those shark heads!
Master of Ceremonies: Let’s see how our chefs are doing. Iron Chef Japanese has just taken a shark head, and is rolling them in dry mullen rum.
Yoko Akino: Mmm.. these shark heads look so shiny and delicious! [ giggles ]
Toshi Taguda: What’s that he’s soaking them in? Seaweed juice?
Hiroko Yamazaki: Yes.. it looks like a mixture of seaweed juice, sake, and pureed sparrow eyes.
Yakimuro Saijo: Mmm.. you don’t get food like that in prison, believe me..
[ the judges laugh ]
Master of Ceremonies: The challenger is doing something very unusual.. He has placed a shark head on a round piece of bread.
Hey, Miuto! I found out what’s in the challenger’s dish!
Master of Ceremonies: Uh, yes. What is it?
The bread is called a bagel! The challenger has placed a shark head on the bagel, and is covering it with pizza sauce, and has crushed it up with Pringles and Velveeta!
American Bachelor Chef: I make these at the Superbowl every year, and I always get laid!
[ judges laugh ]
Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has begun a second dish! Mr. Mori Moru is using a very rare and expensive Japanese ingredient.
Toshi Taguda: Is that what I think it is?
Master of Ceremonies: Yes, eel farts.
Toshi Taguda: He’s infusing the rice with eel farts. Very impressive!
Yakimuro Saijo: I can smell them from here! It’s making me so hungry, I could murder someone!
[ the judges laugh ]
Master of Ceremonies: Settle down, famous murderer! You can taste the food, after this commercial.
[ cut to commercial starring Emeril ]
Emeril: Ladies, this is Emeril Legasse, saying breast cancer is a serious problem! Kick it up a notch, check for lumps – bam!!
[ cut back to “Iron Chef” ]
Master of Ceremonies: Iron Chef, do you feel confident about the dishes you are presenting?
Iron Chef Japanese: I have doen the best I can.
Master of Ceremonies: And how about you, American Bachelor Chef? Are you feeling confident?
American Bachelor Chef: Dude, I have no idea what you’re saying right now, but your face is cracking me up! [ laughs ]
Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has prepared three dishes – Shark Head and Seaweed and Sparrow Eyes, Boiled Shark Head, and Shark Head Rice with Eel Farts.
Yakimuro Saijo: I love the seaweed juice, but I thought the eel farts were a little salty.
Yoko Akino: I agree. But I think the Boiled Shark Head is divine! I can’t stop eating it!
Master of Ceremonies: The challenger, also presenting three dishes – Shark Head Nachos, Mini Shark Head Pizzas, and Pillsbury Biscuits with Shark Head.
Hiroko Yamazaki: I am a fortune teller, and I predict these Shark Heads will go in my belly!
Yoko Akino: This pizza is so enticing and so aggressive. It reminds me of my hit song “Blue Jeans On Fire.” [ singing ] “Blue jeans on fire.. Chevrolet Elvis.. Blue jeans on fire.. New York, let’s go!” [ giggles ]
Toshi Taguda: I thought the Shark Head Nachos were delightful. It made me feel American, like I was a man with blue eyes, kissing a girl with a big ass.
Master of Ceremonies: And the winner is… American Bachelor Chef!
American Bachelor Chef: Suck on that, Speed Racer! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Master of Ceremonies: Alright, join us next time on “Iron Chef”, when the theme ingredient will be fish tumors. Good day!
Air Date:
Andrew W.K., “Party Hard”
