Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer Jeb Bush…..Val Kilmer George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Announcer: When life is uncertain, and results are unclear.. then youmust be in Palm Beach..
[ cue title graphic, dissolve to George W, Al, Katherine Harris, Jeb, andFlorida Supreme Court, dissolve back to title graphic over image of GeorgeW. laughing behind Al’s back ]
[ open on Katherine Harris fixing herself a drink ]
Katherine Harris: Well, Jeb, with the Supreme Court’s ruling to stopthe recount, Al Gore is finally finished. It’s everything I’ve worked for.
Jeb Bush: And what about us, Katherine?
Katherine Harris: Us? [ laughs ] You silly boy! There never wasany “us”. What happened in the skybox at the Dolphins game was.. just afling. I’m gonna be an ambassador! Do you think I’d jeopardize my careerfor some beurocrat named “Jeb”? Ha!
Jeb Bush: It meant more to us than that. [ kisses Katherine ]
Katherine Harris: Stop, you’ll ruin my makeup.
Jeb Bush: Damn you, Katherine! Why.. I have half a mind togive your job back to Nikki Cox.
Katherine Harris: So go ahead. [ pause ] I didn’t think so. Alwaysthe conservative, aren’t you, Jeb?
George W. Bush: [ stumbles into the room ] Hey, hey, it’s me, hey..Uh, Jeb.. the computer’s doing that thing again. Can you fix it for me, so Ican finish my game of Tetris?
Jeb Bush: Of course, Georgie. [ to Katherine ] Even presidents needtheir computers. [ exits room ]
George W. Bush: Hey, Katherine. I’ve been thinking about my cabinet.Who do you think would make a better Secretary of the Interior – Nolan Ryanor The Rock?
Katherine Harris: [ sits him down on the couch ] You’re thinking toohard, George. [ massages his shoulders ] You look.. tense.
George W. Bush: Heck, I just can’t wait ’til all this President junkis over next week.. so I can go back to hunting and executing.
Katherine Harris: Next week? You know you have to President forfour years.
George W. Bush: [ angry ] What?! [ stands ] That blows!I’m gonna kill Dick Cheney! He told me it was like winning a fishingcontest – you win a trophy, you take your picture, and you’re done!
Katherine Harris: Don’t worry – it’ll go by fast, with me byyuor side.
Katherine Harris’ Thoughts: You’ve got him right where you want him,Katherine. [ laughs ]
George W. Bush’s Thoughts: The Rock is stronger. But Nolan Ryan’s wise.Presidenting is hard!
[ Katherine and George W. lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by thearrival of Al Gore ]
Al Gore: Hello, George W.! Hello, Katherine!
Katherine Harris: Al! I thought you were dead.
Al Gore: I’m Al Gore. I just appear to be that way.
George W. Bush: [ angry ] Hey, Al! I saw you on TV today! Youinterrupted the “Rugrats”!
Al Gore: That’s right, George W. I was accusing you of circumventingthe Democratic process in the name of personal ambition.
George W. Bush: [ laughs ] You said “circumventing”!
Al Gore: [ pours himself a drink ] Ms. Harris, isn’t it inappropriatefor you to be here?
Katherine Harris: Guess what, Al? I’m always gonna be here.Everywhere you turn, this face will be staring at you! [ smiles wickedly ]I’m gonna crush you!
Al Gore: Damn you, Woman! Not in front of the boy!
George W. Bush: [ sobbing ] Why are you yelling?! Be friends!
Katherine Harris: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting JusticeScalia for cocktails at the Viscayne Club. [ exits ]
Al Gore: [ sighs, and walks towards George W. ] She’s a real pieceof work.
George W. Bush: Yeah. She’s a “circumvent”! [ laughs ] Right?
Jeb Bush: [ re-enters ] Hey, guys. Dick Cheney just had anotherheart attack..
George W. Bush: [ panics ] No-o-o! He promised he wouldn’t!First, Poppy with the hip replacement, now this! Where are all thegrown-ups? [ runs into the corner and cries ]
[ Al and Jeb sit on the couch ]
Al Gore: Jeb, let me ask you something. You seem to care a lot aboutthis country. When you saw your brother actually had a chance of winning,were you ever tempted to tell everyone how he’s.. well, you know.. “special”?
Jeb Bush: Shh.. I tried.. but believe me – the more people that learnedabout his disability, the more popular he became.. like Tom Arnold.
Al Gore: You’re a good man, Jeb.
Jeb Bush: Only by comparison. [ points to George W. in the corner ]
[ suddenly, Tom Brokaw enters the room ]
Tom Brokaw: Hello, Jeb. Hello, Al.
Jeb Bush: Tom! Tom Brokaw!
Al Gore: [ stands ] What are you doing here?
Tom Brokaw: Well, it was just announced that the Supreme Court willhear arguments Monday afternoon. And Sandra Day O’Conner is pregnant.. withJames Baker’s baby.
[ close-up of Al’s tightened, worried face ]
[ close-up of confused Jeb ]
[ close-up of George W. playing with a ball of yarn like a cat ]
God bless us all!
Al Gore: It’s this town! It’s.. it’s evil.. it’s.. [ singing ]“Palm Bea-each”!
[ fade to title graphic ]
Announcer: And so it goes, in the city called.. “Palm Beach”.
Chris Fowler…..Chris Parnell James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran…..Conan O’Brien “Tiny” Jack O’Dowd…..Chris Kattan Willie Pinckney…..Jerry Minor
(SportsCentury opening sequence)
Chris Fowler: When talking about the century’s greatest boxers, the names of Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, and Muhammad Ali come to mind. But true boxing fans may also recall a less celebrated heavyweight who dominated his sport, from 1912 to 1914. He’s James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran.
(dissolve to photo of a baby sporting a handlebar mustache)
Chris Fowler V/O: He was born James Finian Emmias Moore Garrity Corcorn in Chicago on July 19th, 1889 to an Irish Family.
(Dissolve to black and white film footage of Corcoran prancing about in a boxing ring)
Chris Fowler V/O: After spending his youth trapped in a vat in a meat packing plant, and the rest of his youth starving, Corcoran began boxing, and instantly developed an original pugilistic style that completely baffled his opponents
(Corcoran sits on a stool and talks to a group of reporters)
James Corcoran: : (with heavy Irish accent) The game of boxing requires a healthy diet and training regimen. That’s why each day, I drink thirty-eight quarts of beer and eat eight pounds of salted pork. Of course I rigorously avoid all sunlight and ventilation. Finally each month, without fail, I make sure I move my bowels.
(dissolve to photo of Corcoran holding back a young child with only one hand)
Chris Fowler V/O: Before long “The Gentleman Masher” ran up a string of amateur boxing championship victories over fierce opponents like Kid Regan, who was, in fact, a nine-year-old kid.
(dissolve to small boxing arena, where O’Dowd, and Corcoran are preparing to fight)
Chris Fowler V/O: In 1910, his first professional fight, James Corcoran: : knocked out British lightweight “Tiny” Jack O’Dowd, in a thriller for the ages.
(O’Dowd and Corcoran simply prance around, waving their fists at one-another, as the following round cards appear on the screen: )
(at this point, O’Dowd coughs and Corcoran seizes the opportunity, and lands the only punch of the fight, and knocks O’Dowd out cold)
(dissolve to a newspaper with a headline that reads “O’DOWD GOES DOWN IN 65”, which cuts to Corcoran sitting on the stool talking to more reporters)
Chris Fowler V/O: Corcoran’s victory established him and perhaps the very first trash-talker in sports history.
James Corcoran: : : To the next fighter against whom I spar, let me just say this: I’ll put corn in his muffin! I’ll crimson his face! I’ll butter his bean and serve it to him cold I will! Then I’ll deliver a blow to the mouth area, the blood from which will issue most copiously!
(Cut to old-tyme boxing footage of Jack Johnson fighting)
Chris Fowler V/O: But just two years later, African-American fighters were allowed in the ring, and Corcoran’s domination of the sport would be put to the test.
(Cut back to Corcoran sitting on the stool talking to the press)
James Corcoran: : : Believe you me, I find this son of Africa quite affable. But, still he must get a proper trashing. I plan to crimson his face with a series of dapper lefts, then bring issue to rest a powerful blow, upon his dark and mysterious brow. For as we all know, the muscular African is no match for the lanky, smooth-talking Irishman, and history will prove me correct!
(cut to same arena where the referee brings to two fighters together)
Chris Fowler V/O: On, May 6th, 1914, James Corcoran: : met his first black opponent in the ring: Willie Pinckney.
James Corcoran: : : (tauntingly) Come quickly Pinckney, it’s time for your thrashing! (to crowd) I’ll pepper your porridge!
(the bell sounds, and Pinckney begins rapidly punching Corcoran in the chest and once Corcoran moves to a corner, he begins to land a series of continuous punches to the face. With each punch Corcoran’s head snaps backwards and then comes back.)
James Corcoran: : : (protesting) I DO NOT LIKE THIS! THIS IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF QUENSBERRY RULES!
(A newspaper appears with a headline that reads “COLORED MAN DEFEATS CORCORAN” at the bottom of the page a headline in smaller print reads “World War I Begins.” As the next line is read we see a series of photos showing Corcoran getting the stuffing beaten out of him.)
Chris Fowler V/O: James Corcoran: : ignored the advice of doctors, and attempted to make a comeback, but lost a record 247 fights in a row, all to black men.
(cut to boxing arena where we see Corcoran standing in a corner preparing to fight)
Chris Fowler V/O: Finally, it got to the point where Corcoran would begin bleeding before punches were even thrown.
(the bell rings and a stream of blood begins to flow down the front of Corcoran’s face)
James Corcoran: : : I’LL BASTE YOUR TURKEY!
(cut back to the SportsCentury studio)
Chris Fowler: Three years later, James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran’s career ended. But history will always remember him as a man who fostered a love and respect between Irish-Americans and black people that lasts until this day
(the screen behind Fowler shows a split-screen picture of Pat Buchanan and Sean “P. Diddy” Combs)
David Lee Roth…..Chris Kattan Sen. Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond Right Said Fred…..Conan O’Brien Sen. Evan Bayh…..Chris Parnell Female Senator…..Ana Gasteyer The Guy From Cameo…..Tracy Morgan Toni Basil…..Rachel Dratch Neil Tennant…..Jimmy Fallon Rico Suave…..Horatio Sanz Corey Hart…..Will Ferrell
[ open on exterior, U.S. Capitol Building ]
Announcer: C-Span now resumes coverage of the Senate Judiciary Committee Hearings of the Internet music-swapping site Napster. Over the past several months, the committee has heard testimony from some of the industry’s biggest stars. Now we hear testimony from some of the.. others.
[ dissolve to interior, U.S. Capitol ]
David Lee Roth: Bozadee bop..! ..zitty bop!
Sen. Trent Lott: Yeah. Well, uh, thank you for your testimony, Mr.. Lee Roth..
David Lee Roth: [ tips hat ] Zeebuhla bop! [ exits ]
Sen. Trent Lott: Okay. Next witness, would you please state your name, Sir?
Right Said Fred: Right Said Fred.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Okay, Mr.. Said Fred.. do you have a prepared statement?
Right Said Fred: Yes, Sir, I do. [ turns on boombox to play his one-hit wonder “I’m Too Sexy”, stands up and gyrates ]
Sen. Evan Bayh: Please! We need you to turn off the music!
Right Said Fred: [ turns music off ] I’m sorry, Senator. [ reads statement ] “There was a time when I was to sexy for my shirt. Now I find myself forced to be too sexy for copyright infringement.” [ lowers testimony ] My livelihood depends on my ability to sell copies of my many hit songs, like “I’m Too Sexy”.. and other songs that I may one day write.
Sen. Trent Lott: Uh.. excuse me for a minute, Mr.. Said Fred. Now, we have here up-to-date records, and, since the inception of Napster, your work has bee downloaded.. uh.. let me check here.. [ consults folder ] ..mmm.. okay.. never.
Right Said Fred: I see.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Excuse me, Mr. Said Fred, I need some clarification here. At one point, weren’t you a lot more buff?
Right Said Fred: Uh.. if you will allow me to stand up here.. [ stands ] As you can see, I am still too sexy for my shirt.
[ senators discuss Right Said Fred’s statement amongst themselves ]
Female Senator: Actually, it is the opinion of this committee that you are not.
Right Said Fred: [ sits ] Okay.. I’ve, uh.. I’ve had some hard times.. eventually, I became too sexy for my gym membership fee.
Sen. Trent Lott: Okay. Thank you for coming in.
Right Said Fred: Yeah, so, is there food here? How does it work..?
Sen. Trent Lott: Thank you for coming in! Next wintess!
[ Right Said Fred exits, as The Guy From Cameo enters ]
Female Senator: Could you please state your name for the record?
The Guy From Cameo: Word Up! I’m the Guy From Cameo. Word Up!
Sen. Evan Bayh: I’m sorry.. I don’t remember you. What was your hit song?
The Guy From Cameo: [ is briefed by his lawyer before being allowed to answer.. ] Word Up!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Still don’t.. uh.. how does it go?
The Guy From Cameo: Word Up!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Alright. Uh.. do you have a statement to make?
The Guy From Cameo: Yes, I do, Senator. [ puts on reading glasses, takes piece of paper out of pocket, unfolds it and reads.. ] “Word Up!”
Sen. Evan Bayh: Alright. Thank you for your time. Thank you.
Sen. Trent Lott: Next witness, please, Toni Basil. [ Toni runs in, dressed in her 80’s cheerleader outfit ] Oh-ho-okay! I remember you! “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine! you’re so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey!”
Toni Basil: That’s correct, Senator Lott!
Sen. Trent Lott: Are you prepared to give your statement?
Toni Basil: Um.. actually, no. I don’t even know why I’m here. I just got an official summons to show up here in this outfit.
Sen. Trent Lott: Oh, uh.. sorry about that. Strom Thurmond and I just have a thing for cheerleaders!
[ Strom Thurmond waves seductively to Toni ]
Female Senator: You’re excused.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Next! [ Neil Tennant enters ] State your name.
Neil Tennant: I’m Neil Tennant. I used to be a part of The Pet Shop Boys.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Right. And what do you do now?
Neil Tennant: These days, I work in an actual pet shop. But I’m planning a big comeback. In a west end town, a dead end world. The eastern boys and west end girls..”
Female Senator: Please, Sir, stop singing.
Neil Tennant: “What have I.. what have I.. what have I done to deserve this?”
Female Senator: I said stop singing.
Neil Tennant: I wasn’t singing! I’m flat broke, and I work in a pet shop! What have I done to deserve this?
Sen. Trent Lott: Next witness!
[ Neil Tennant exits, as Rico Suave enters ]
Sen. Evan Bayh: What the..? Could you state your name, please?
Rico Suave: Ri-co! Sua-ve! Yea-eah!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Man.. you’ve really let yourself go! How did you let that happen to yourself?
Rico Suave: Chocolate.. donuts! Yea-eah!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Next!
[ Corey Hart enters in a wheelchair ]
Corey Hart: I’m Corey Hart.
Female Senator: Good Lord! What happened to you?
Corey Hart: I wore my sunglasses at night, and I ended up in a pretty serious car accident.
Sen. Trent Lott: Listen, does anyone have anything relevant to say here?
Right Said Fred: [ enters wearing a beekeeper costume ] I, uh, have some testimony that I think you’ll find quite interesting.
Sen. Trent Lott: Who are you?
Right Said Fred: I’m the.. Beekeeper.. from The Village People!
Sen. Trent Lott: Very well, you may present your, uh..
Sen. Evan Bayh: Wait a minute! There was no Beekeeper in The Village People!
Sen. Trent Lott: It’s you, isn’t it, Right Said Fred?
Right Said Fred: [ removes his bonnet in shame ] Yeah, it’s me! Please! Somebody feed me! I’m not too sexy to eat day-old bagels, just anything!
Sen. Trent Lott: [ bangs gavel ] Let’s take a recess. Somebody please give this poor retch a muffin..
…..Charlie Sheen Woman #1 In Audience…..Paula Pell Man #1 In Audience….. …..Tracy Morgan Man #2 In Audience…..Steve Higgins Man #3 In Audience…..Dennis McNicholas Woman #2 In Audience…..Meredeith Walker
Charlie Sheen: Thank you very much, thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m excited, because I joined the cast of “Spin City” this year. Thank you. It was amazing to get the role, ’cause, you know, I’ve lived a pretty wild life, with the drinking, and the hookers, and the drugs.. and the hookers.. I’m not proud of what I did, but I don’t mind talking about my experiences if they can help somebody, you know? So, if anyone has any questions.. [ acknowledges audience member ] Yes. You.
Woman #1 In Audience: Hey, Charlie. If I was a hooker, how much could I charge?
Charlie Sheen: [ bothered by the question ] Pardon me?
Woman #1 In Audience: Just a ballpark figure – and I won’t do any of the kinky stuff, either. What do you think?
Charlie Sheen: I don’t know.. $100, maybe?
Woman #1 In Audience: Really? Wow! Thank you!
Charlie Sheen: You’re welcome. [ points to man in audience ] Yes. You.
Man #1 In Audience: Hey, Chas-man. How much do you think I could get for this bag of weed? [ holds it up ]
Charlie Sheen: Well.. uh.. actually, I don’t know.. I never really smoked that much weed..
Man #1 In Audience: That’s cool.. uh.. how about, uh.. this bag? [ pulls out bag of cocaine ]
Charlie Sheen: [ looks carefully ] $1200.
[ Tracy Morgan approaches Man #1 and makes his purchase ]
Charlie Sheen: Anyone else?
Man #2 In Audience: Hey, Charlie Sheen!
Charlie Sheen: Uh, yes, your question?
Man #2 In Audience: Yeah, I saw that garbageman movie you made with your brother.
Charlie Sheen: You mean, “Men At Work”?
Man #2 In Audience: You tell me. Did you make another garbageman movie with your brother?
Charlie Sheen: Uh, no, I didn’t.. just “Men At Work”.. [ takes out his wallet ] Did you see it at night, or during the day?
Man #2 In Audience: Night.
Charlie Sheen: You probably had a date, bought some popcorn – looking at you, it’s probably a big tub.. [ hands him some money ] Here you go.. [ Man #2 takes the money ] Like I said, I’m not proud of my past. [ hand is raised ] Yes?
Man #3 In Audience: Uh.. would you see if that woman who asked the first question would, uh.. take, like.. say, $70?
Charlie Sheen: No, no.. you can’t bargain with a hooker..
Woman #1 In Audience: $70! Sold to the dapper young gentlemen over there!
Man #3 In Audience: Swee-ee-eet!
Charlie Sheen: Okay, I have time for one more question – preferably a question that doesn’t pertain to drugs, or hookers, or “Men At Work”.. [ hand is raised ] uh.. yes, ma’am.
Woman #2 In Audience: I enjoy your father’s work on the TV show “West Wing”. Do you think you’d like to play the part of the president someday?
Charlie Sheen: Thank you for the question, but I could never be the president.. I mean, think about it – I’ve abused cocaine, I’ve been arrested, I’m not a very smart guy.. I mean, it’s a big joke to think people would want someone like me, just because his dad was president.. [ audience applauds the comparison to George W. Bush ] Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight, Nelly Furtado is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Lorne Michaels is trapped backstage in a conversation with Ralph Nader ]
Ralph Nader: Lone, I don’t understand why you won’t let me be in the Debate sketch.
Lorne Michaels: If you had been in the real debate – maybe..
Ralph Nader: Where’s your sense of fairness?
Lorne Michaels: Maybe if you’re in the next debate.. [ Rob Lowe passes through the hall, Lorne grabs his arms ] Rob!
Rob Lowe: [ stops ] Yeah?
Lorne Michaels: You two know each other, don’t you?
Rob Lowe: [ excited ] Oh, yeah! [ shakes Ralph’s hand ] Hey. Good to see you. How are you?
[ Lorne quietly walks off ]
Ralph Nader: That episode on the death penalty was right on the money. You know, there are no statuatory criminal penalties for manufacturing a defective automobile dangerous to life..
[ slow zoom to Rob’s head ]
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Who is this guy? Should I know him? Lorne knows him, so that means he must be famous. Wait a minute.. was he in “St. Elmo’s Fire”? [ Ralph continues to ramble ] He sounds smart. He couldn’t have been in “St. Elmo’s Fire”. Damn! Is he one of my agents? Of course not – he wouldn’t have a suit!
Ralph Nader: ..I think we’re in a real transition period here, that gives us a real opportunity. Do you know what I mean?
Rob Lowe: Oh.. oh, of course..
Ralph Nader: Government by and for the people? Now it’sgovernment by and for big corporations..
[ Rob glances away from Ralph ]
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Is that a mirror? Why, yes, it is! Hello, handsome! [ Ralph is still rambling ] I have to get out of this conversation..
Rob Lowe: [ interrupting ] You know.. [ holds up bare arm ] ..look at the time. I should really be going..
Ralph Nader: But.. you’re not wearing a watch. [ Rob laughs ] As I was saying..
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Damn.. this guy is good. Maybe I’ll give him a little treat..
Rob Lowe: [ interrupting ] Hey! you know something? I gotta tell you – I work on the show “The West Wing”, and.. the other day.. we’re all sitting around, and Martin Sheen..
[ slow zoom to Ralph’s face ]
Ralph Nader’s Inner Voice: Look at him – he’s high! I should bring up my position on the decriminalization of weed. That would get his vote! What do I care? I’m Ralph Nader! I’m going to be the next President of the United States! Those big corporations aren’t going to know what hit ’em! ‘Cause I don’t take bribes like the Republicans or the Democrats. My price is way higher. They don’t call it the Green Party for nothing! [ laughs ]
[ a pair of security guards jump in grabs Rob and Ralph ]
Security Guard: Alright, let’s go!
Lorne Michaels: [ interceding ] No, no, no, no! Not the handsome guy – the other guy.
Ralph Nader: [ being dragged away ] Lorne! Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Sorry, Ralph.
Rob Lowe: Oh! It’s Ralph Nader!
Lorne Michaels: Right. Uh.. you should get changed. Come on.
[ Rob and Lorne exit in opposite directions – fade to black ]
…..Rob Lowe Man #1 In Audience…..Jerry Minor Man #2 In Audience…..Dennis McNicholas Woman #1 In Audience…..Paula Pell Man #3 In Audience…..Jim Downey
Rob Lowe: Thank you! I am just really excited to be here tonight, because it’s only a month away for the Presidential election, and not only do I feel like I’ve sort of learned a lot about the presidency from my role on “The West Wing”, but I really do feel honored to be part of a drama that tackles real issues faced in the White House..
Man #1 In Audience: Excuse me, Rob?
Rob Lowe: Yeah?
Man #1 In Audience: Yeah, your show is about the White House. Have you ever met President Clinton?
Rob Lowe: Yeah, I have had the privilege of spending some time with the President, as well as the First Lady.
Man #1 In Audience: So you’ve met Hillary Clinton?
Rob Lowe: Yes, I have.
Man #1 In Audience: How big is her booty?
Rob Lowe: I.. I.. I just don’t know. Uh.. I have had the privilege of spending time with the First Lady, and she is a really smart, articulate woman, and a very tough campaigner. [ points to audience member ] Yes?
Man #2 In Audience: Uh.. I have a question about Vice-President Al Gore.
Rob Lowe: Oh.. go ahead.
Man #2 In Audience: His daughters are hot.
Rob Lowe: That’s not a question.
Man #2 In Audience: Oh. Okay. Which one of his daughters do you think’s the hottest?
Rob Lowe: Well, you know, that is actually totally irrelevent.. Corinne. Corinne, she’s very hot! [ points to woman in audience ] Yes?
Woman #1 In Audience: I’m a huge fan of “The West Wing”..
Rob Lowe: Thank you very much!
Woman #1 In Audience: And I was so excited when they won nine Emmies. How many did you win?
Rob Lowe: [ pause ] None.
Woman #1 In Audience: Oh. Well.. it’s still an honor to be nominated.
Rob Lowe: I wasn’t nominated.
Woman #1 In Audience: Well.. working with so many talented actors.. is a reward in itself.
Rob Lowe: Yes. [ points to audience member ]
Man #3 In Audience: Uh.. my question isn’t about your show “The West Wing”, it’s about the actual West Wing in the White House.
Rob Lowe: Oh! Oh, I think maybe I can help you, because the set that we shoot on is an exact replica of the West Wing.
Man #3 In Audience: Oh, great. Now, is the room where they blow the president located in the West Wing, or down the hall?
Rob Lowe: [ shakes head ] I really don’t know.. you know, we have a great show tonight – Eminem is here, so wake up the kids!
Announcer: The Dream Team. Once again, these magnificent athletes captured Olympic gold, and the hearts of a generation. And now you can capture the memories with the official Dream Team 2000 video. [ video and phone number to order appear on the screen ] Relive all their greatest moments. The high-flying dunks. The stifling defense. The occasional teamwork. And the irritating sense of entitlement. You also get the inexplicably house-style post-game interviews. Vince Carter dunking over a shorter Chinese athlete and then taunting him. And coaches swearing at referees.
This Dream Team is the fifth best Dream Team of all time. [ shows bored fans in the bleachers ] That’s why you’ll want to remember moments like:
Shaquille O’ Neal-refusing to play
Kobe Bryant-also refusing to play
And Alan Iverson – who was deemed too dangerous to travel abroad.
This is the team that annihilated France by more than 8 points, and sent those lame Lithuanians home with a humiliating 2-point loss. And then refused to shake their hands! No one touches the Dream Team!
Order today and you’ll also receive a video of other great U.S. Olympic memories like:
Gary Hall, Jr. showing off before a race.. that he almost won!
The men’s 4×100 relay team posing with their awesome muscles flexed. Suck on that, Barbados!
Amy Van Dykus spitting in her opponent’s lane before a race. [ the scene is replayed ] Yeah!
And what about this classic move? [ shows Olympic race where U.S. athlete is ahead of his opponents and taunts them by waving his hand at them ] You’re gonna have to do better than that, other countries!
[ both videos and phone number to order appear on the screen ] America’s the best and we won the Olympics! Order today![ fade out ]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. A baby goes into the water. A mother asleep on a towel. What would you do? Here’s Carl Leggert.
Director: Great stone, just great, you nailed it. You good with that one?
Stone Phillips: Yeah, I think so.
Announcer: OK, that’s a bye, moving on, let’s do the trampoline intro!
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Great!
Stone Phillips: Can I do that one again?
Director: OK, do it again.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Perfect! Perfect…
Stone Phillips: One more…
Director: Sure, one more.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Excellent, that was perfect.
Stone Phillips: That was good.
Director: Yeah, pretty good.
Stone Phillips: I really felt I nailed it. Did you feel I nailed it?
Director: Yes, yes, I did.
Stone Phillips: But I think I could do it better.
Director: You got it.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer… Hang on! Shouldn’t it be “unbelievably vicious backyard killer?”
Director: Yes, it should… here we go.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or an unbelievably vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Perfect! I’m not just sayin’ that.
Stone Phillips: I think “unbelievably” might be a little too bit powerful…
Director: Right, right again, always right. You know what, let’s not do the video roll in, let’s do three in a row.
Stone Phillips: OK.
Director: Three in a row, real quick.
Stone Phillips: [ Hesitates ] Am I waiting for the V/O?
Director: Nuh uh, nope. And… go!
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin, Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin, Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: I think we got it. Wow! That was good!
Stone Phillips: Two more.
Director: OK, two more… [ to an off-camera crew member ] DON’T ROLL THAT CABLE UP, GARY! PUT THE CABLE BACK! TWO MORE!
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Nice, very nice. Wow, very heavy.
Stone Phillips: I think I felt it here. [ points to his chest ]
Director: Are you kidding?
Stone Phillips: Yes.
Director: It’s fun to see.
Stone Phillips: That Melissa Tompkin is getting a lot of stories!
Director: She certainly is. Listen, let’s do Tuesday. You need a coffee, Stone?
Stone Phillips: No. Wait- Yes.
Director: Stone needs a coffee. Dateline Monday’s a wrap. Moving on to Dateline Tuesday… Good promo, everybody!
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows Grand Master Rap…..Jerry Minor Kid Shazaam……Horatio Sanz …..Eminem
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “WeekendUpdate with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And when we get together..
Together: It’s news.
Before Tuesday’s presidential debate, a coin toss was used to determine whichcandidate would speak first. When Governor Bush was asked to call it in theair, he yelled: “It’s a quarter!”
This Sunday, the Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia came to a close, with theUnited States winning 97 medals, the most of any country. So, suck on that,Portugal!
Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,000 to the ScreenActors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, actor ArsenioHall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey.
After a week of violent protests in Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic finallystepped down and conceded defeat in the presidential election. Milosevic saidhe plans to relax and spend time with his family before being strung up ona meathook in the center of Belgrade.
During Tuesday’s debate, Al Gore made a point of correctly pronouncingMilosevic’s name, and that of his opponent, Vojislav Kostunica and notingthat Yugoslavia is made up of Serbia and Montenegro. Meanwhile, George W.Bush knew his own name and that a sandwich is made up of “bread plus someother stuff.”
Tina Fey: Jimmy, what did you think of the debates?
Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic.
Tina Fey: What did you think was the “defining” moment?
Jimmy Fallon: Med.. Medicare..?
Tina Fey: Medicare?
Jimmy Fallon: Mmm-hmm..
Tina Fey: Did you.. did you watch the debates?
Jimmy Fallon: I watched “Dark Angel”.
Tina Fey: Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: I tried to watch the debates, it was so boring! Theyjust stand there, you didn’t tell me that.
Tina Fey: Jimmy, we talked about how we were both going to watch the debates!
Jimmy Fallon: You want to debate about “Dark Angel”?
97-year-old Senator Strom Thurmand – who was hospitalized last week afterfainting in a restaurant – is reportedly back on his feet, and was even seenout and about with his new lady friend. [ show doctored photo of Thurmond with Anna Nicole Smith ]
Tina Fey: If there’s one thing that both Republicans andDemocrats can agree on, it’s that there’s too much sex and violence comingout of Hollywood. Here to shed some light on this ongoing battlebetween Washington and Hollywood, a man well-versed in the ways of love,Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man.
Leon Phelps: Yeah. Thank you. What is happenin’? Thank you, Colin..[ notices Tina there instead ] Oo-ooh! It’s a lady, yeah! Now,that is what I call sexy. But I digress. My fellow Americans, Iam here today to dispute the charge that movies have too much sex. Now, I’vealways thought that saying “too much sex” is like saying “too much Christmas.”But, Hollywood isn’t built on sex, it’s built on romance. Was the magicbetween Bogart and Bacall just about sex? Or Richard Burton and Liz Taylor?Was it just about sex when Ron Jeremy bent Traci Lords over the hood of a..
Tina Fey: [ breaking in ] Yes, it was.
Leon Phelps: Well.. I, for one, thought it was beautiful.. Butmaybe I’m just old-fashioned. You see, Tina, I can remember when a movieonly cost a quarter.. and then, after a few minutes, you could see moreof the movie for another quarter. You know what? That sounds pretty goodright about now! Say, Tina, how about you and I grab a roll of quartersand go see 6 or 7 movies?
Tina Fey: You want me to go see a porno with you?
Leon Phelps: You see, Tina, that’s what I’m talking about. One man’sporno is another man’s “Sleepless in Seattle”. Which reminds me, if youhaven’t seen it do yourself a party and see “Ass Party.”
Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Why does “Sleepless in Seattle” remindyou of a movie called “Ass Party”?
Leon Phelps: Well, basically, everything reminds me of “Ass Party”..You see, what I’m saying is that Washington has no business telling Americawhat’s too sexy. You see, if that was the case, then I, Leon Phelps,would be illegal, instead of just “wanted for questioning” in severalstates. You know, I think everyone in Washington, all over America, in fact,should just relax, enjoy some Couversier, and take in a sexy movie.
Tina Fey: So you’re advising people to go out and see a sexy movie?
Leon Phelps: Well, yes, Tina, but not right this minute.. but maybe next weekend, October 13th, maybe..? [ holds up poster to his movie ] That’s right.. yes, America, it is your responsibility to go out October 13th and see a movie – a very funny movie – a movie Entertainment Weekly called..
Tina Fey: Come on, Tim! Is that the only reason you came back this week is to plug your movie!
Tim Meadows: [ breaking character ] No, Tina, I didn’t. I came to see my friends.. I miss this place. I had a great time here. And I’d also like to say that I’m one of the stars of “The Michael Richards Show”, premiering on NBC in two weeks..!
Tina Fey: Get out of here! Tim Meadows, everybody!
Two Wisconsin brothers, ages 74 and 80, were arrested this week after agentsconfiscated more than half a million dollars in pot on their property. Whendiscovered in their home, the brothers were found laughing their asses offwatching an episode of “Matlock.”
This week, the Vatican apologized for a recent Church document that callednon-Christian religions “gravely deficient”. Said a Vatican spokesman, “Whilewe believe that other religions are deficient, and that their paganfollowers will burn in hell, we certainly never meant to write it down.”
Jimmy Fallon: Coming up on “Weekend Update Health Watch”: Is there asimple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No.. no, thereisn’t.
Tina Fey: Yeah, I didn’t think so.
In New York this week, Spike Lee premiered his new film “Bamboozled”, whichfeatures actors in blackface. Or, as John Rocker calls it: “The feel goodmovie of the year.”
Jimmy Fallon: And now, it’s time for “Women’s News”.
Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy. As a mother of two, which I am not, Iworry about the lack of positive role models for today’s young girls. Forexample, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore thisskimpy outfit at MTV’s Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfitinappropriate and say it’s just another example of Hollywood sexualizingyoung girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney’s ass looks good. Lookat that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through ahole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonnablow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it withfine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it’s gone. And, as for whetheror not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year,I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.
Jimmy Fallon: What did you say? you said they “felt real”?
Tina Fey: No.
This week “The Beatles Anthology”, a 368-page history of the band’s career,was released, giving fans the group’s own take on their rise to success. And,as an added bonus, if fans read the book backwards it says, “We’re justtrying to help out Ringo.”
This week Pat Robertson reportedly invited Joe Lieberman to address theChristian Coalition, but the date he chose was Rosh Hashana, one of theholiest days in the Jewish religious calendar. Robertson apologized, sayingthat he meant no disrespect to the Jewish faith and tried to make it up toLieberman by sending him a two-pound Honey-Baked ham.
Jimmy Fallon: And now in part two of looking into violence in themedia, the music industry, and the controversy over expicit lyrics andviolent content. To help shed light on this matter, here are two of myfavorite old school rappers, the masters of hip-hop, please welcome GrandMaster Rap and Kid Shazaam.
Grand Master Rap: Yeah!
Kid Shazaam: Dig it!
Grand Master Rap: Yeah, how ya doin’, homeboy?
Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.
Kid Shazaam: Whoa, now, don’t forget Miss Tina down there, uh huh!
Grand Master Rap: She sure is fly, ain’t she?
Kid Shazaam: Super-duper fly!
Grand Master Rap: Word! Word!
Kid Shazaam: Word up!
Grand Master Rap: Word up!
Jimmy Fallon: Now, you were there at the beginning of rap.. so, youtell me, why do you think there’s so much violence in hip-hop today?
Kid Shazaam: That’s a good question, Jimmy Fallon. These rappers today like M&Ms, talking about abusing women and violence and all kind of nonsense.
Grand Master Rap: When we were rappers, we talked about good stuff,like putting your hands in the air.
Kid Shazaam: [ starting their rap ] “And waving ’em, like you just don’t care!”
Grand Master Rap: “If you believe that you are great Somebody say, “Oh yeah!” Kid Shazaam: “Oh yeah!”
Grand Master Rap: “Oh yeah!”
Kid Shazaam: “Everybody in the house say, yeah!”
Together: “Rap rap ribbity rap rap Rip rop ribbity do! If you believe that you are great Rip rop ribbity do!:
Grand Master Rap: That was fresh!
Kid Shazaam: Word!
Grand Master Rap: Yo, man.
Kid Shazaam: Okay.
Grand Master Rap: How’s that for hard-core rap, Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon: [ disturbed ] How old are you guys?
Grand Master Rap: I’m 54.
Kid Shazaam: I’ll be 63 in December.
Jimmy Fallon: My grandfather’s 63!
Grand Master Rap: We told you we started hip-hops! Back in 1972!
Kid Shazaam: We are dangerous, we’re on the street, man. In 1984,I was ticketed for operating a roasted nut stand without a license.
Grand Master Rap: Whew!
Kid Shazaam: That’s dangerous!
Grand Master Rap: Let me tell ya, anytime you youngsters wannabattle us old-timers, than bring it on!
Kid Shazaam: Bring it on!
[ Eminem steps up ]
Grand Master Rap: Hey, hey!
Kid Shazaam: You wanna battle us, punk?
Eminem: No, no. Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam. I was thinking, youguys started it all. And, maybe I should clean up my act, and start rappingabout throwing my hands in the air.
Grand Master Rap: That’s right.
Together: Hit it! Here we go…
“Cause we’ll… Rap you up We’ll rap you down We’ll let our lyrics beat you down Cause we’ll do it, do it, do it Rap rap rap Rop rop rop A-rap rap, ribbity rap rap Rip rop ribbity do!” Grand Master Rap: “Grand Master Rap!” Kid Shazaam: “Kid Shazaam!” Together: “Rip rop, ribbity doo! “ Eminem: “Well, I’m Eminem And I’m here to say I like to rap in the old-school way I said, rap rap Ribbity rap rap Rip rop ribbity do!” Jimmy Fallon: Grandmaster Rap, Kid Shazaam, and Eminem, everybody!I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow. [ to Jimmy ] We’re set, baby!
Nancy Grace…..Ana Gasteyer Mark Fassbinder…..Chris Parnell Shaggy…..Rob Lowe
Nancy Grace: Welcome back to “Pros & Cons”. I’m Nancy Grace. Today: what happens when ordinary citizens take the laws into their own hands? Is it justice in a world of corrupt law enforcement, or simply anarchy? Here to discuss the issue, live from Raiford State Prison in Florida, are my first guests – David Montgomery, and his attorney Mark Fassbinder.
[ show David and Mark sitting glumly in a jail cell ]
Mark Fassbinder: Thank you, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: On the surface, Mr. Montgomery’s crime seems all too familiar – a desperate man, down on his luck, discovers a broken-down amusement park is built on top of some pirate treasure.. so he tries to scare people away from it by dressing up like a ghost. An old, old story. But this time, there is a bizarre twist. His “alleged” crime was discovered by a group of amateur detectives. Two of them are here with me now. Please welcome Scooby Doo, and his associate Warren “Shaggy” Shagowski.
[ cut to a creepy, night setting with Rob Lowe dressed as Shaggy and a hideous puppet version of Scooby Doo at his side ]
Shaggy: Like, wow! We’re thrilled to be here!
Nancy Grace: Mr. Shagowski, Mr. Doo.. we’ll start with you. What made you decide to take the law into your own hands?
Shaggy: Well, one day, me and Scoob and the gang, we’re sittingaround the malt shop, when we decided the law’s gone soft on all thedirtbags who get their jollies dressing up as apemen or glowing deep sea divers!
Mark Fassbinder: Well, that’s if Mr. Shaggowski can pass himselfoff as a “champion” of law and order. But the truth is that this man and his dog – not to mention, another member of their gang – a smaller, scrappier dog – all have an extensive criminal record!
Scooby Doo: That’s a rie!
Mark Fassbinder: I have the evidence right here, Mr. Doo! Priorconvinctions include 4 counts of meddling, 12 counts of meddling in thesecond degree, 2 counts of vehicular meddling, meddling across state lines, and last, but certainly not least, sodomy! I’m sorry.. I misread that.. it’s “meddling”, I apologize.
Shaggy: Well, zoinks! Honestly! Zoinks you in the ass! We’re the ones putting our gonads on the line! We’re the ones dressing up as Italian barbers, pretending to give fake monsters haircuts!
Mark Fassbinder: It’s all an act, Nancy! He’d have us believe that he puts himself at risk! That sometimes he’s so scared, he tries to run away, and can only float in mid-air running in place. But the truth is that he and his friends actively go out looking for trouble!
Shaggy: Like, we’re not asking to get flat tires outside of spooky castles, man! It just happens!
Mark Fassbinder: Please! You’re a degenerate! You know, Nancy, I once saw this man take two stacks of coldcuts, shuffle them like a deck of cards, then ate the entire thing!
Shaggy: Like, look.. the sentences handed out to fake ghosts andwerewolves are far too lenient!
Nancy Grace: Well, what would you suggest is appropriatepunishment?
Scooby Doo: Reath renalty!
Nancy Grace: You’re honestly advocating the reath renalty? Wow.Strong words. Strong, poorly pronounced words from a large dog.
Shaggy: Hey, lady! Like, I thought this was America? I don’t want to live in a country where four hippies and a talking dog can’t have the freedom to catch fake ghosts with the occasional help of Phyllis Diller or the Harlem Globetrotters! That’s my America! And while you may not agree with my opinion, you’re not gonna change it!
Mark Fassbinder: [ touched ] Wow. Like, zoinks, I.. I didn’t knowyou felt that way.. But.. would you consider compromising yourethics.. [ reaches down ] ..for a Scooby Snack? [ holds up box ]
Shaggy: [ excited ] Like, wow! A Scooby Snack!
Scooby Doo: Yeah! Yeah! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!
Nancy Grace: That’s about all the time we have. Please join us next week when we examine the conflict of victims’ rights in the theft of pic-a-nic baskets.
