Val Kilmer’s Monologue

Val Kilmer’s Monologue

…..Val Kilmer
Clarence…..Darrell Hammond
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Molly Shannon
…..Chris Parnell
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Kattan

Val Kilmer: Straight up, I want to thank all the cast and writers of “Saturday Night Live”, relaly, really brilliant.

I was actually asked to host a couple of times, but I.. chickened out. Even backstage, I was just thinking, “God, I would just like to be out in the house, or home, watching on TV..

[ Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life” appears ]

Clarence: Well, now you’ve got your wish.

Val Kilmer: Oh, no.. who are you?

Clarence: I’m Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life”.

Val Kilmer: But I didn’t wish I was never born..

Clarence: I know. You wished you had never hosted “Saturday Night Live”. Come with me, won’t you, young man. I’m going to show you what would have happened if you hadn’t hosted the show. [ they walk over to the night’s first stage, The Great Frog Society, where Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon and Molly Shannon sit disapoointed in their Keith Moon, Buddy Holly and Janis Joplin costumes, respectively ] Take a look at this.

Val Kilmer: Oh, they’re sad..

Clarence: They don’t look very happy, do they, Val?

Val Kilmer: Gosh.. they were all so funny in the sketch..

Clarence: Oh, yes.

Val Kilmer: Why are they so down?

Clarence: Well, the sketch about The Doors never made it to air, because you weren’t there to hot the show! [ walks over to the next stage, Chris Parnell leaning against an airplane cockpit set ] And, look, over here. Poor Chris Parnell, he was hilarious in this “Top Gun” sketch during rehearsals, and he would have been even funnier on air when Mr. Steven Spielberg was in the crowd.

Val Kilmer: Spielburg came?

Clarence: Uh, he came to see U.. 2! Uh.. he’s a big Bono fan. Anyway, he discovered Chris Parnell and put him in his next movie, and Chris Parnell became an international sensation!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. Parnell became a big movie star..

Chris Parnell: Is that so hard to believe, Val? [ shoves him ] Jackass!

Clarence: Oh, my..

Val Kilmer: You said that they couldn’t see or hear me..?

Clarence: I never said that! Come over here! [ walks over to Tracy Morgan standing silently alone ] Poor Tracy Morgan.

Val Kilmer: Tracy really looks sad.. Because I didn’t host the show, he wasn’t in it?

Clarence: No.. he wasn’t in the show, anyway. He’s sad because he usually sells weed to the audience and picks up an extra $500. But, see, since there was no show, you know the rest.. [ walks past Chris Kattan dressed as Mango ] Oh, no, here’s the saddest of all.

Val Kilmer: Kattan lookd horrible. Is he that shaken Mango wasn’t gonna be on the show?

Clarence: Well, it was cut at dress, but he’s so upset about it, later tonight he takes his own life.

Val Kilmer: What? Oh, my God..

Clarence: Yes.. No! I’m yanking your chain! But, this one does cry a great deal and wears the costume for days.

Val Kilmer: To the after-show party?

Clarence: No! There is no after-show party, young man. There’s no show, no party, nothing – because you didn’t host!

Val Kilmer: Well.. what happens to me, Clarence.. how does my life change?

Clarence: Oh, I don’t think you want to know that..

Val Kilmer: No, Ido, Clarence! Tell me what happens!

Clarence: Well.. you stay at home, watching TV.. drink a few beers.. order a pizza from Domino’s.. and you eat it and fall asleep, like most people your age! That’s it!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. I do want to host the show!

Clarence: Well, get up there, young man!

[ Val runs back to Home Base ]

Val Kilmer: I feel better already! Well, we do have a great show! [ hears some bells ] Oh, is that Clarence getting his wings?

Darrell Hammond: [ removing his Clarence wig offstage ] No, that means I’m getting ready for the next sketch.

Val Kilmer: Oh, alright. Okay, then, U2 is actually on this show, then? Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Jarret’s Room

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Jenna…..Lucy Liu
Daniel…..Chris Parnell

Jarret: Hey dudes, you’re logging on for the first time. My name’s Jarret, I’ve been a junior here for the past two years at Hampshire College, or as I like to call it, Hempshire College. I live on the third floor at Lima Hall on a schweet three man overlooking the quad, and I do this webcast 24-7, 365. The only time you don’t get to see me is when I come out of the shower, and the other day when I saw the movie ‘Stepmom’ and started to cry. My first guest today is my good bud. I met him four years ago when he was a sophomore, and he’s still a sophomore. I think he’s like 35 or something. Please welcome, my roommate and my homie, Gobi.

[Gobi enters, wearing a ‘Funkin Gonuts’ t-shirt]

Gobi: Attention Earthlings! Take me to your dealer! [laughing] Wassup bro-bro! Hey Jarret man, is it true? Did Phish break up?

Jarret: Dude, you’ve asked me that question every day for the past month. I told you they’re just not gonna tour for a while.

Gobi: Oh, man, I can’t believe it. Hey man, check out my new t-shirt! Funkin Gonuts! [laughs] You get it?

Jarret: Yeah, I get it.

Gobi: Naw, I don’t think you get it. Funkin Go Nuts!

Jarret: Yeah, yeah, Dunkin Donuts, Funkin Gonuts, I get it.

Gobi: [amazed] Dunkin Donuts…[laughs] That works on two levels!

[Jarret brings out a bandana and a package of M&M’s]

Jarret: Anyway, Gobi’s here to teach us how to make a hacky sack out of a bandanna and some M&M’s. [pause] Dude, are you burnt right now?

Gobi: No…yes. [laughs and starts eating the M&M’s]

Jarret: You’re totally burnt! You haven’t left your room in a week! You’re not gonna show us how to make a hacky sack, huh?

Gobi: No! Dude, can I crash here?

Jarret: Yeah, go ahead, I don’t care.

Gobi: [sits down] Oh, man, I’mma lay down. …[singing] It’s time to go on with the show!

Jarret: Anyway, that was my roommate, Gobi. Now is the time for my favorite part of the show, it’s what I like to call ‘What Jarret’s Into This Week’ This week I’m all about the Midnight Tokers, they’re this Steve Miller cover band. Last week Gobi and I camped out for tickets. Check out these pictures, dudes. [types on keyboard]

[cut to a picture of Jarret and Gobi in the lineup playing bongo drums]

Jarret: We decided we were going to start a drum circle and drum all night.

[cut to a picture of them being sent out by security]

Jarret: This guy decided we weren’t. We agreed to disagree.

[cut to a picture of Jarret and Gobi with a dog]

Jarret: Oh, this is Gobi’s dog. He named it ‘The Bassist from Phish.’ We got it baked, it was hilarious!

[cut to a picture of the dog humping Jarret’s leg]

Jarret: Oh man, I don’t remember THAT happening!

[cut to Jarret’s room camera]

Jarret: Anyway, it was corduroy. My next guest was my RA last year. She’s my girl this year. She busted me for cooking Triscuit pizzas on my halogen lamp. She was kind of mad at first, but then we spent a romantic evening together, watching Deuce Bigalow and doing a shot of beer every minute for a hundred minutes. After that, we totally hooked up, and then we vomited, and then we hooked up again, and then we vomited. Please welcome my girl, Jenna.

[Jenna enters, Gobi begins to fall asleep]

Jenna: Wassup, Jar, sup, Gobi! [looks into the camera] Are you still doing this webcast thing?

Jarret: Yeah, get out of the camera!

Jenna: You mean people can see me now? Maybe I should show them my new piercing!

Jarret: [shocked] Oh My God! You shouldn’t show anyone that!

Jenna: [laughs] Nobody’s gonna see it! The only people that are gonna see this thing are you and Gobi!

Jarret: That’s not true. I’ve got fans all over the world, I’m international.

Jenna: You got, like, one email from some weird dude in Iceland.

Jarret: Yeah, shout out to Ya-org!

Jenna: You’re so lame, Jar.

Jarret: What’s your prob, Jen?

Jenna: You’re my prob, don’t be ridic!

Jarret: Whatevz!

Jenna: You never S any T with me anymore!


Jarret: [confused] Un-abbreviate that.

Jenna: You never spend any time with me anymore?

Jarret: Oh, I’m so sorry, I apol.

[Daniel enters]

Daniel: Jarret, would you please keep it down? Some of us would like to graduate!

Jarret: Those of you that aren’t familiar with that…weird voice, it belongs to my roommate Daniel. He’s a floater, he’s always going to class and stuff. A couple days ago, while he was sleeping, Gobi shaved off his pubs and glued ’em to his face.

Jenna: [laughs]

Daniel: Another thing, I set my VCR to record Quantum Leap last night. Who touched it?

Jenna: Hey Danny, like, what happened to your beard?

Daniel: Shut up, freakshow! Narc!

[he exits]

Jenna: Hey Jar?

Jarret: Yeah?

Jenna: Remember when we went snowboarding last at Hillington?

Jarret: Yeah, it was rad! ‘Member I did that schweet rodeo flip that was inverted and everybody was all clapping and stuff?

Jenna: No, you were on the bunny slope and you were like, crying and everyone was helping you to the in-Firm-a-Ry!

Jarret: My snot froze in both my nostrils, what did you want me to do? I couldn’t breathe!

Jenna: Well, it was like, embarrassing and I don’t think we should like, hang out anymore.

Jarret: I’m not embarrassing all the time! I cooked you a gourmet dinner!

Jenna: Yeah, you made me like, ramen noodles on the Rad-i-a-Tor!

Jarret: What are you trying to say?

Jenna: I’m sayin’ we’re like, breakin’ up.

Jarret: That’s cool.

Jenna: And not like Ben and Gwyneth when we still have sex sometimes, this is for like, real!

Jarret: [outraged] Well, I can’t believe it, that sucks! We’re breakin’ up?

Gobi: [waking up] Dude? Phish broke up?

Jarret: Naw, dude, go back! [he exits] This is awful.

Jenna: Lates, Jar! [she exits]

Jarret: Can’t believe this is the fourth time a girl’s breaking up with me has been broadcast over the internet.

[Gobi appears with bongo drums]

Gobi: Hey, dude! Let’s do a drum circle!

[he begins to drum]

Jarret: Alright, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be my roommate Gobi, and Steve the janitor who kind of looks like Jerry Garcia a little bit. This is Jarret logging off. Lates!

[Jarret begins to drum]

[blue bear background appears]

Thanks to Ann*e Husseyfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom

Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Announcer interviewing people on the street ]

Announcer: Say, you gonna get that new Jay-Z album?

Old Man: [ put off ] Are you kidding?

Old Lady: That guy stinks!

Announcer: You gonna buy any Jay-Z for your friends?

Second Old Lady: Hell, no! I hate that music!

Announcer: Can I interest you in a rap album by Jay-Z?

Second Old Man: I hardly think so!

Announcer: What if he raps with Robert Goulet?

Second Old Man: Robert Goulet?! Oh, why didn’t you say so!

[ cut to goulet sitting in his vehicle in the woods ]

Robert Goulet: Hello, I’m Robert Goulet! “Dadoo da dee da!” Do you like good music – I do. Iknow I’mnot afraid to admit it. That’s what makes me sort of a rebel in this biz. Sort of like my very good hombre, Jay-Z, here, and his couderie of ne’er-do-wells. Mmm-hmm. He’s not afraid to slap around the suits if the checks don’t roll in. Just like I’ve never held back my fists in a roomful of industry dagos.

That’s why we burned it up on my second full-length rap-and-roll album. This one’s called “Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom” [ laughs ] I know – too inside. But I can’t resist. Me and the boys here do all of the Jay-Z hits. It’s a cocktail with a splash of Jay-Z and two fingers of Goulet. Here’s what I’m talking about:

Jay-Z: [ singing ]“Gotta a lot of beef, so logically, stay on my toes
Gotta a lot of beef, so logically, I..”

I don’t know the words. You take it, amigo..

Robert Goulet: Alright.
[ singing ]“It’s the hard knock life, for us
It’s the hard knock life, for us!!
Steada treated, we get tricked
Steada kisses, we get kicked
It’s the hard knock life.”

Cut the tracks! Stuff like that. You get the professional pipes of Goulet, and the laughs of the real hustler, Jay-Z. Okay, I know what you’re thinking – Goulet, what industry honcho did you piss off this time to get this gig? But that ain’t the deal-io. These dogs got chops! Bend an ear!

Jay-Z & Posse: [ singing ]“Relax your mind, let your conscience be free
You’re now rollin with them thugs from the R-O-C
Sigel Sigel in the house

Uh-huh, sick bastard
Get your wig pushed back by the wig push-backer

Uhh, uhh, Memph Bleek in the house

Still here, never left
Still bust, more or less, still puff – beeatch!”

Robert Goulet: [ singing ]“Who the fluck want one, baby
Catch me in the South Beach, baby
Out of the reach of the police, gat on my lap
Bitch on my back, yak in my pocket, smokin’ that sticky chocolate..”

Yeah, it’s a whole album full of that junk! It’s “Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom”. The posse from the R.O.C., and me, Robert Goulet. There’s no law that says you gotta buy it – but, keep in mind, I’ve been known to participate in a few drive-bys. Oh, yeah – ask Merv Griffin.

Hey, we gotta hit the road and promote this doo-hickey, so I’ll see.. [ bighorn sheep enters ] Wait a darn minute! Is this serendipity, or what? Here comes my old friend, the bighorn sheep! Maybe he needs a little pull on the funny stuff there. Jay-Z? Huh? He’s got big lungs.

[ Jay-Z and his posse hold marijuana joints to the shee’s mouth, cracking up all the while ]

Hey, look – hey, fellas, you curled his horns! Anyway, check out the jams, it’ll blow your mind. Or my name ain’t.. Robert Gou-le-e-e-e-et!”

SNL Transcripts

Happy Holidays from Weekend Update

Happy Holidays from Weekend Update

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open at Rockefeller Center skating rink ] [ focus on Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey ]

Jimmy Fallon: Season’s greetings from all of us here at Weekend Update.

Tina Fey: To all of you at home, have a merry Christmas..

[ Total Stranger walks on ]

Total Stranger: A happy holiday and a healthy new year.

Jimmy Fallon: Who the [ bleeped out ] are you? [ pushes Total Strangeroffstage, turns to the camera and smiles nonchalantly, as Tina Fey looks on,shocked ] [ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
James Madison…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

In his victory speech Wednesday night, George W. Bush acknowledged the need for national healing, saying, “I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve one nation. Unless you look at the popular vote, in which case I wasn’t elected at all.”

Following the Supreme Court’s ruling against him, Al Gore officially ended his candidacy on Wednesday. When informed by an aide that Gore conceded, Bush responded, “I know. That guy so loves himself.”

Dick Cheney so overshadowed George W. Bush the last couple of weeks that Bush has nicknamed him “Big Time.” This replaces Cheney’s old nickname “Heart Attack Jones.”

George Bush made his first Cabinet appointment today, naming Colin Powell his Secretary of “Please Black People Don’t Hate Me”.

Madonna and long-time boyfriend, director Guy Ritchie, will get married next week in Scotland. Insiders say that the couple will keep their famous names. Madonna will stay Madonna and Guy Ritchie will stay “Guy Who Married Madonna.”

Hillary Clinton will receive eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her memoirs. Mrs. Clinton has said she’ll use the money from the book to “pay off all the legal bills incurred by my husband’s five hummers.” The book is tentatively titled “Why I Throw Things.”

Tina Fey: Now that the dust has settled from this year’s election, we all wonder what the Founding Fathers would have thought of all this confusion. Here with the answer, straight from the 18th century, is Founding Father James Madison.

James Madison: Thank you. Thank you, good woman, kindly sir. The concept of the electoral college.. [ stares at the spotlights ] Dear God, what is that? The sun has come indoors! This must be the end of the world!

Jimmy Fallon: That’s just the lights, we have electricity now.

James Madison: Devil within me! My chair is spinning if I drunk much ale at the local tavern!

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s just a chair.

James Madison: I must say, it’s great fun indeed! This indoor sun and magic chair bring a readiness to my cheek, and my thoughts turn to young lasses. Ms. Tina Fey, you’re a handsome woman..

Tina Fey: You’re here to talk about the election.

James Madison: You’re a handsome woman, indeed!

Tina Fey: Surely, as one of the founding fathers, you’d..

James Madison: [ interrrupting ] I’d like to take you over my knee and have my way with you!

Tina Fey: What are you talking about? You’re very tiny and effeminite!

James Madison: We had bad nutrition.

Tina Fey: All I know is that when I vote I want my vote to count!

[ James Madison stares at a ballpoint pen in awe, while clicking it back and forth ]

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison?

James Madison: Marvelous!

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s time for you to go.

James Madison: Does anyone know where I can find lodging and a whore?

Jimmy Fallon: 43rd and 10th.

Tina Fey: James Madison, everybody.

Thursday, the Secret Service delivered President Bush’s brand-new armed limosine that will shuttle him around during his term in office. Also on Thursday, Al Gore received a copy of the home game and a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni. Rice-A-Roni the San Francisco treat.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg signed her dissenting opinion “I dissent”, as opposed to the usual “I respectfully dissent”, causing many to speculate that she was intensely opposed to the majority opinion. Further speculation came when Ginsberg didn’t sign her name the way she usually does, with little hearts and smiley faces.

Tina Fey: This is the last Weekend Update of 2000. We’d like you to join us in bringing in the new year.

[ Chris Kattan comes out dressed as the New Year Baby ]

Tina Fey: Hey, New Year baby. Come up here, baby. Out goes 2000.

[ Jimmy and Tina change his diaper ]

Tina Fey: It’s 2001. Yea! Yea! Baby New Year!

Jimmy Fallon: Great.

A hearing was held in Illinois Monday to determine the fate of a six-year-old boy who was removed from his mother’s custody because she was still breastfeeding him. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed a line of boys in the school offering to trade lunches with him.

It was this week that Rick Lazio spent $39 million in his Senate fight against Hillary Clinton, the most money ever spent on a losing campaign until this week when the Texas Rangers spent a quarter of a billion dollars on Alex Rodriguez.

Fox has cancelled the John Goodman show “Normal Ohio” in which Goodman plays a gay man. This means the only gay shows on TV are still Will and Grace and the WNBA.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight..

Jimmy Fallon: [ appears with a guitar ] No, no, no, no. There’s more time. We have more time.

Tina Fey: What are you talking about?

Jimmy Fallon: It’s Christmastime, everybody.

Tina Fey: Ah, oh. Well, in the spirit of Christmas, here’s our old friend Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for letting me do this, Tina. It’s Christmastime everybody. It’s the best time of year. It’s also the time of year when you get really bad presents.

[ parodies Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” ]

“Well I opened my gift today, to see which ones I can exchange,
So I call K-Mart and begin to say, ‘Tell the store I’m on my way.’
Are you still open? It’s just past midnight,
Wanted a TV dish, Not a singing fish,
Please be open.”

[ parodies David Grey’s “Babylon” ]

“Friday night the office threw a Christmas party, they invited me,
I started eating rum balls, it was the only food I had that night to eat,
Chugged egg nog, Xeroxed my ass, peed on the couch,
Kissed the boss’s wife, threw up on myself, and got thrown out.
Party on
Got my Christmas party on.”

[ jumps over the Update desk and peers into the cameras like Bono did on last week’s show ] [ parodies U2’s “Beautiful Day” ]

“I put cookies out, hung stockings by the tree,
Left the front door open, cause I don’t have a chimney,
I can’t get to sleep,
Drank hot milk, need something stronger, to calm me down,
I can’t wait much longer,
Christmas day
In my anticipation,
Christmas day,
I hope I get Playstation,
Give me Pokemon and other things,
Flood me with compact discs and diamond rings,
Christmas day,
Santa’s on his way,
Christmas day,
Here’s what I say,
Christmas day,
And I love Tina Fey!
Christmas day,
Toys are on it’s way!”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. That’s Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Celebrity Jeopardy

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Robin Williams…..Jimmy Fallon
Catherine Zeta-Jones…..Lucy Liu
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what just happened before during the commercial, I’d like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.

Robin Williams: Yes, Thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. [ Walks over to Trebek ] I heal you, my boy you are healed. We have found Tom Selic’s mustache, yes. It’s time to go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here, oh Vana White. Can we turn the letters? She’s making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I’m Robert Downy Jr. Robert Downy Jr. wants a recount, yes, and here’s a kid at home going [ whining ]

Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you. Moving on. Catherine Zeta Jones has no score at all because she’s mostly been talking about her recent marriage.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Alex, I’d like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you’re watching, the diapers in the bedroom closet and the baby’s diapers are under the sink. I love you darling.

Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. And finally, Sean Connery’s also here let’s move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories –

Sean Connery: Not so fast Trebek.

Alex Trebek: I really thought that was going to work.

Sean Connery: Well, you were wrong, you mountebank. I pose a conundrum to ya, I riddle if you will

Alex Trebek: I don’t want to hear it.

Sean Connery: What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore. [ Laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Wonderful. Let’s take a look at the categories. They are: Potent Potables, Point to your own head, Letters or Numbers, Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, An album cover, Make any noise, and finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.

Robin Williams: Thank you, yes, Kermit. Yes it’s like Kermit and John Wayne goin, “It’s not easy being green, pilgrim.” It’s like Schwarzenegger,”Ya, I’m Kermit the frog, ya that’s me, Schwarzenegger Kermit.”

Sean Connery: Boy, you might be legally retarded.

Alex Trebek: He has a point. All right, Catherine Zeta Jones we’ll start with you.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take Giraffes for a billion.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Letters or Numbers for 200. And the answer is “five.” Is five a letter or a number? The number five, is it a number? [ ring ] Mr. Williams.

Robin Williams: Oh, it’s a beautiful thing yes, right now there’s a guy at home goin [ motions a remote control w/ his hand ] what the hell’s goin on there, why don’t you change –

Alex Trebek: Thank you. Thank you. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, you already rang in.Robin Williams: Yes, it’s a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky’s at home goin’ [ screams ]

Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you, anyone else. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, I hate you.

Robin Williams: But I love you! It’s like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, “Yo quiero Taco Bell!”

Alex Trebek: You are a very sick man. Anyone besides Mr. Williams? [ beep ] Five is of course, a number. Catherine Zeta Jones, sadly, it’s still your board.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take TV shows that did stories about my wedding for 300.

Alex Trebek: For the last time, that is not a category. Sean Connery, why don’t you pick?

Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I’ll take anal bum cover for 7,000.

Alex Trebek: That’s An album cover, not anal bum cover.

Sean Connery: I can read, Trebek. That says Anal bum cover. I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover, failing to do so is my greatest regret.

Alex Trebek: You have lead a horrifying life. The category is An album cover and the answer is: The Beatles White album is this color. [ ring ] Catherine Zeta Jones.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Who are the Beatles?

Alex Trebek: I’m sorry, that’s wrong.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, I’m asking you, who are the Beatles, I’ve never heard of them. [ ring ]

Robin Williams: Oh, the Beatles, oh yes, what if they were the Volkswagon Beatles? Then they’d be in the back going, “I wanna hold your farfigneugent”

Alex Trebek: For the love of God, shut your mouth. I’ll tell you what, let’s just go to final Jeopardy. And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. You each ask your own question and answer it. There’s no way you can get this wrong, because you’re asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You’d have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up; and now let’s see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote: Nothing. Because he stuck his pen through his own hand.

Robin Williams: Yes, you know what it’s like, suddenly it’s like a Shakespearean actor who’s gay going, “Tell us for york I” [ Trebek grabs pen and sticks it deeper into Williams’ hand ]

Alex Trebek: Don’t ever come here again. Catherine Zeta Jones, asked herself this question: What sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered: [ Blank ] You didn’t know the answer? You couldn’t answer your own question?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: It was hard.

Alex Trebek: Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself: [ Show half a picture of a horse having sex w/ Trebek ] Ok, I, I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here, [ Looks over podium ] Yeah, yeah, that’s a horse having sex with me. Ok. That’s beautiful.

Sean Connery: Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.

Alex Trebek: No, we’re not going to do that. Ok, I quit, again. Good night.

Thanks to HeRzDogG for this trancript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Red Ships of Spain


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Red Ships of Spain

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell
Wes Goulet…..Chris Parnell
Ken Goulet…..Alec Baldwin
Sheila Goulet…..Ana Gasteyer

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of spain.”

Announcer: The voice is back.

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Will our love ever be the same?”

Announcer: Robert Goulet is Captain Ferdinand Pancho in “Red Ships of Spain”.

Robert Goulet: “Hoist the main sail and scuttle the jib
We won’t come home a fortnight
for reasons undetermined.”

Announcer: Yes, the majesty of Robert Goulet. The man “Time” magazine once mentioned. But that’s not all. Because, for the first time ever, Sir Robert Goulet is joined by his brother Wes Goulet as First Mate Sebastian El Corazon.

Wes Goulet: Ahoy, Matey!

Robert Goulet: Ahoy!

Announcer: Robert and Wes Goulet on stage together at last. It doesn’t get any better than this. Or does it? Because, for the next two weeks, older brother Ken Goulet will join his brothers as Tiagra, the pirate and spice trader.

Goulet Brothers: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of Spa-ai-ai-ai-ai-ain.”

Announcer: Sandra Pelton of the San Francisco Chronicle writes: “I don’t think that this legally qualifies as theatre.”

Gil Jacobs of “The New York Times” says: “An absolutely horribleshow. It was opening night and two of the Goulet brothers were alreadyusing understudies.”

Diane Carbinal, “Cincinnati Dispatch”, writes: “It’s the mostupsetting experience I’ve ever had in a theater. The only time theaudience applauded was when I whipped a battery at the actors.”

Goulet Brothers: “And then we’ll return to Majorca.”

Announcer: With plenty of laughs for the entire family.

Robert Goulet: Where is my hat?

Ken Goulet: Is this the hat you were looking for? [ they laugh ]

Robert Goulet: Oh, Pirate!

Announcer: And plenty of adventure.

Robert Goulet: “Oh, there’s trouble a-brewin'”

Wes Goulet: “Adventure is stewin’.”

Robert Goulet: “This line has yet to be written.”

Ken Goulet: [ out of beat ] “Hoist the main sails and lash down the jib
Puncture the bullwarks and svuttle the crow’s nest.”

Robert Goulet: “Check the compass and oil the main engine.”

Wes Goulet: “Pay the dock fee and the weather radio.”

Goulet Brothers: “Before we get on the airplane.”

Announcer: And of course, a little bit of romance, with Robert Goulet’s daughter Shiela Goulet as the sexy Princess Consuela.

Sheila Goulet: Oh, Captain, I hunger for your loins like an old spanish castle.

Robert Goulet: “My dear love, I’m right here for you.
I battle the pirates and I’m here to feel
your gentle kisses in my chest hairs.”

[ moves to kiss her as she fends him off ]

Wait! Wait! [ breaking out of character ] I’ve had enough of gold and trinkets and jugs of wine!

Ken Goulet: What? Sergeant, you’ve gone crazy!

Robert Goulet: It’s Captain, Ken! And maybe you would know that if you’d memorized your lines instead of drinking straight Kahlua in the theater bathroom! You’re a drunk!

Wes Goulet: Easy, Robert. He never had the gifts you had.

Ken Goulet: Damn you, Robert! I should never have saved you from drowning all those years ago!

Robert Goulet: You’re a loser, Ken! That’s why I –

Ken Goulet: Oh! That was long overdue!

Robert Goulet: That’s it! Show’s over!

Wes Goulet: Bobby!

Announcer: Yes, it’s “Red Ships of Spain”. Book and score by an author who, due to an ongoing legal battle with Goulet Enterprises, will not be named in this advertisement.

Yes, “Red Ships of Spain”, the hot new musical at the Nedderland Theater.

Tony Dunchy from “THe Houston Dispatch” writes: “I really don’t think it occurred to Mister Goulet that he was playing a romantic sceneopposite his daughter.”

James Gund of “American Theater Magazine” writes: “True story: Ifell asleep during the production, and when I woke up was so convincedthat I was still dreaming, I got up onstage and walked around. The oddthing is the show is such an ugly mess that no one seemed to notice orcare.”

So go see it.

“Red Ships of Spain”.

Tickets start at $90, so see it today.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kate Hudson: 10/14/00: Girls Gone Wild!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Girls Gone Wild!

Daughter…..Kate Hudson
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Mom…..Molly Shannon

Daughter: Hey, what are you watching?

Dad: An E! Celebrity Profile on Drew Carey.

Mom: It’s very good. Now, he’s from Cleveland – I didn’t know that.Sit down, honey, it’s a very good show.

Dad: It’s so good to have you home from college!

Daughter: I know, I miss hanging out with you guys!

Dad: We miss hanging out with you, kiddo!

[ cut to commercial on television ]

Television Announcer : Warning! The following commercial is foradults only! “Girls Gone Wild” just got wilder! “Girls Gone Wild” onSpring Break! Our cameras captured real girls, college co-eds, sororitygirls – unbuttoned and uncensored! [ Daughter is shown exposing herselfto the cameras in the commercial ] Actual videos of girls who go to SpringBreak, break the rules and hang out! Order today!

[ cut back to the shocked family ]

Mom: [ upset ] I cannot believe this!

Dad: My little girl.. why?

Daughter: It.. it wasn’t me..

Daughter: Come on, Shelley – we know it was you!

Mom: I know.. I’m sorry..

Dad: What happened?

Daughter: I don’t know, it was Spring Break, I got carried away..

Dad: I’ll say.

Daughter: I mean, if I let you guys down, I’m really sorry.

Mom: [ thinking ] Well.. we all make mistakes..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: Yeah, hopefully no one saw it. [ answers phone ] Hello. Yes,Grandma, we saw it, too. No.. no, it’s not her – but it looks likeher. No. Alright, Grandma, talk to you later. [ hangs up ] Perfect. I justlied to Grandma.

Daughter: I’m sorry, guys..

Mom: Well, we’re disappointed.. but it is just a little mistake, so..

Dad: Well, let’s just forget it, and watch “Walker, Texas Ranger”..

[ cut to “48 Hours” on the television ]

Television Announcer: Tomorrow night on “48 Hours”: what parentsdon’t know about Spring Break. [ more wild footage of Daughter onSpring Break is shown, complete with guy licking whipped cream off herchest ] Shocking videos that show you just how wild things get.

[ cut back to upset family ]

Dad: Sonofabitch! I can’t believe this!

Mom: [ more upset ] Shelley!

Daughter: Oh, my God! I mean, it was just that once! Thatweekend in South Padre Island!

Dad: [ answers ringing phone ] Yeah? Yeah, Grandma, we saw it.Yes, it’s her. Hold on, that’s the other line. [ picks up other line ]Hello? Yes, Nana – it’s your other grandma – yes, we saw it. I’llcal you back.

Mom: Okay, this is horrible!

Dad: We did not send you to college for that! You can pay forcollege yourself with the money you made from that tape.

Daughter: I didn’t get any money from that tape..

Dad: Well, good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of youshowing your coconuts!

Daughter: I’m sorry.. I messed up.

Mom: Well.. let’s just it go, Malcolm. She made a little mistake.

Dad: I can’t believe this.. I’ll be the laughingstock at thecourthouse.

Daughter: Oh, Dad, it’s not your mistake. And as long as youdon’t tell anyone, they’ll never know.

Dad: [ mulling it over ] ..I.. guess you’re right

[ cut to television airing “COPS” – drunken Daughter being arrested andtelling all ]

Daughter on Television: My father is Malcolm Bills! He works inthe county courthouse..

[ cut to the family ]

Dad: Wonderful. You said my name. Everyone at work will know.

Daughter: [ mad at herself ] Oh, I forgot about that!

Television Announcer: “Girls Gone Wild” just got even wilder!Introducing the new “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras”.

Dad: Thank God you didn’t go with us to Mardi Gras last year.. [ eyeswiden ] Oh, my God, no!

[ cut to television – Mom shown exposing herself at Mardi Gras ]

Television Announcer: It’s not just college girls who get into the actat Mardi Gras..!

[ cut back to the family ]

Dad: Honey?

Mom: It was the Mardi Gras, and they were giving out the beads..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: You know what? Let’s just let the machine get that, okay?

[ scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Winona Ryder: 05/18/02

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 18th, 2002

Winona Ryder


Alex Trebek

Neil Diamond

Moby, “We Are All Made Of Stars”

  • Carter In Cuba

    Fidel Castro (Will Ferrell) ridicules Jimmy Carter (Darrell Hammond) during visit.

    Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro.

  • Winona Ryder’s Monologue

    Ryder watches footage from studio’s new security cameras.

  • Celebrity Jeopardy

    Rock & Roll version with Dave Matthews (Jimmy Fallon) and Bjork (Ryder).

    The real Alex Trebek cancels Final Jeopardy.

    Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery.

  • Uncle Mike & Uncle Danny

    Bride’s (Ryder) two dads (Chris Parnell, Will Ferrell) sing at her wedding.

  • Bearologist

    Bearologist (Will Ferrell) takes blame when Bear (Seth Meyers) kills wife.

  • Botox

    Poison injections keep women’s faces wrinkle-free.

  • Girl Next Door: The Search For A Playboy Centerfold

    One-legged girl (Amy Poehler) hopes to become centerfold.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Tina Fey delivers rant against having a baby by Age 27.

    Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Cherry, Cherry” with 2002 All-Stars.

    Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond, Gay Hitler, Drunk Girl, Geraldo Rivera.

  • Moby performs “We Are All Made Of Stars”

  • Love-ahs

    Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) enjoy more hot tub loving.

    Recurring Characters: Roger Clarvin, Virginia Clarvin.

  • Mango

    Shopping with Ryder and Moby, Mango (Chris Kattan) shoplifts.

    Recurring Characters: Mango.

  • Moby performs “South Side”

  • Will Ferrell Farewell

    Cast members relate Will Ferrell’s importance to the show.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: Episode 1

    01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Jimmy Fallon
    …..Tina Fey
    Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

    Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

    US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie “Glitter.”

    According to the New York Post, the Mafia has stolen more than 250 tons of scrap metal from lower Manhatten. A spokesman for the Gambino Family said, “Hey, dah mayor told us to go back to work!”

    This week, Elizabeth Dole announced that she’s entering the Senate race in North Carolina. Mrs. Dole said she felt it was imperative at this moment that she do something to get away from Crazy Viagra McGee.

    Dole will be running for the Senate seat vacated by Jesse Helms. Mrs. Dole said if she wins Helms’ seat, she will have it steam-cleaned to get rid of that “old people smell”.

    Last week, Don King pledged $500,000 to relief charities; but this week, somehow the charities owe him $600,000.

    A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osama’s Place says he won’t change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named “Hitler’s Chicken”.

    MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and died it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right.

    Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced that he had been invited to meet with Afghan Taliban rulers as a possible mediator in the tense standoff over Osama Bin Laden. One of the more bizarre elements of this news is that there is some confusion over who initiated the invite. Here to explain it, the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

    Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Tina. And thank you, America. For the record, I did not contact the Taliban; they, in fact, contacted me. What happened was this: I had a hang-up on my machine, so I star-sixty-nined, and they said, “Hello?” And I said, “Who is this?” And they said, “Who is this?” And I said, “You called me.” And they said, “You called us.” And I said, “I star-sixty-nined you!” They admitted it was the Taliban. Then I had a great laugh over what transpired. I immediately called the appropriate people in Washington, D.C., let them know I’d been contacted by the Taliban first. I then called my friend Gary to tell them how weird it was that the Taliban called. I pushed the redial button by mistake. I accidentally got the Taliban. At first, Jimmy, I thought it was my friend Gary being funny.

    Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! You would.. you would think that!

    Jesse Jackson: Because he was like, “Agga gaga”

    Jimmy Fallon: That sounds like Gary!

    Jesse Jackson: But then I realized it was the Taliban. It was not my friend Gary. So I jokingly said, “Come, Mr. Taliban, Tali-me banana.” After that, it was a very uncomfortable moment.

    Jimmy Fallon: I can see why!

    Jesse Jackson: They said they were on the other line, they had to take that call. And we played phone tag over the next few days. I left several messages on their machine, suggesting we get together and talk – which had been their idea in the first place. Finally, a spokesman for the Taliban at the Afghan embassy in Pakistan called me and told me to stop calling. Which I took to mean that I would be welcome to come over and broker a deal. Once again, I called the relevant parties in Washington, they said they would be happy to send me to Afghanistan – I could even take comedian Bill Mahar with me. They even had a specific cave we could wait in until they dropped us a message. Jimmy.. Tina.. I anxiously awaited my opportunity to help in a time of crisis.

    Jimmy Fallon: I appreciate that. Jesse Jackson, everyone. [ noticing his combed hair on the monitor ] What is going on with my hair, for heaven’s sake?

    Tina Fey: You should have spent more money on that wig.

    Jimmy Fallon: It looks like a wig, doesn’t it? [ musses up his hair, making it look worse ]

    According to his daughter, the comic actor Jerry Van Dyke is trying to retire from show business – which raises an interesting question: Who’s stopping Jerry van Dyke from retiring from show business?

    Elton John this week admitted he is still sexually attracted to women, despite the fact that he hasn’t slept with one in 9 years. He said that the woman he is most attracted to is George Clooney.

    Jimmy Fallon: The first week of Maine’s annual moose hunt began on Monday and ends tommorrow –

    Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?

    Jimmy Fallon: What? Yeah.

    Tina Fey: It’s just that I promised mysled I would kill a moose this year, and now it’s too late. Aargh, I never finish anything!

    Jimmy Fallon: That’s not true, Tina. You’re one of the most disciplined people I know.

    Tina Fey: If that were true, I’d be eating moose jerky right now.

    Jimmy Fallon: Well.. Maine’s having an extra week of moose hunting this season starting October 8th! You can shoot a moose then, just don’t put it off until the last second, Tina.

    Tina Fey: I won’t, Jimmy. I won’t squander the second chance Maine has given all of us to shoot a moose!

    Together: And.. scene.

    At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Jeniro was cancelled last friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

    Organizers of the orgy were expecting 1500 men, and 8 women.

    Health officials are investigating a link between a cluster of E. Coli cases at a county fair. It was disovered that all 20 people reporting symptoms not only attended the fair, but participated in the manure-eating contest.

    Following last November’s election problems, Palm Beach County, Florida will switch to touch-screen voting machines. In early tests, elderly voters responded favorably to the touch-screens, then spent twenty minutes waiting for their money to come out.

    Tina Fey: Our final story tonight: New York City is awesome. If you would like to donate to the Twin Towers Fund to help in the relief effort here in New York City, call the number on your screen: 1-877-870-4278.

    Jimmy Fallon: Please give what you can. Anything. With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

    SNL Transcripts