Author: Don Roy King

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

TV Funhouse

V/O: The X-Presidents!

Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!

George Bush!

Ronald Reagan!

Jimmy Carter!

Gerald Ford!

Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earth and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.

X-Presidents!

[ open on interior, X-Presidents secret headquarters ]

Ronald Reagan: Jalalabad? Tora Bora? What a freakin’ snooze-fest! Wars are supposed to take four days – tops!

George Bush: [ making out with Barbara in the hot tub ] It’s all Ford’s fault! He weakened the CIA!

Gerald Ford: [ playing paddleball and dreaming ] Sand-wich..

Ronald Reagan: It’s everyone’s fault, but mine. Bush, you’re the one who trained bin Laden against the Soviets!

Jimmy Carter: What did I do?

Ronald Reagan: You’re kidding, right? Your foreign policy was gayer than a Cher impersonator.

Jimmy Carter: Come on!

Ronald Reagan: Richard Simmons thought you were soft!

[ Bill Clinton enters, wearing a Superman-like costume and a mask with a long nose over his crotch ]

Bill Clinton: Hey, fellas, don’t forget me!

George Bush: Didn’t we tell ya, no costumes?

Ronald Reagan: Clinton, you’re the most to blame! If you worked half as hard as your dick, bin Laden would have been caught years ago!

Bill Clinton: That’s not fair!

Ronald Reagan: Maybe if bin Laden had been a fat girl, you might have tried to find him!

George Bush: [ laughing ] Gip’s on a roll! [ smiles as Barbara goes underwater to pleasure him further ]

Ronald Reagan: Shut up!

Bill Clinton: Come on, fellas, I know I don’t have fancy radioactive powers. But I built a new robot. [ robot enters wearing bra and thong ] I designed it with Leo DiCaprio.

Jimmy Carter: What does it do?

Bill Clinton: What doesn’t it do! [ pats the robot’s thong-covered ass ]

Ronald Reagan: [ annoyed ] Get out! It’s time we took care of this thing. As presidents, we crippled our country’s intelligence. Now, we’ve got to find bin Laden ourselves! Undercover!

Jimmy Carter: [ shaking ] You mean.. spy?

Ronald Reagan: Try not to wet yourself, Carter.

Jimmy Carter: Too late. [ pants are shown to be wet ]

Ronald Reagan: I’m not saying it’ll be easy. We’ll have to use all the insight we gained from Grenada.

Bob Dole: [ dusting a bookcase ] Can I come, too?

Ronald Reagan: Dole, just be glad we let you be butler!

Bob Dole: Right.

[ dissolve to the X-Presidents wearing colorful disguises while walking through Afghanistan ]

Ronald Reagan: Okay, remember – first we ingratiate ourselves. Then, we get the word on the street.

George Bush: [ waving to Afghanis ] Hi! Death to America!

Bill Clinton: Bush is Satan! [ to Bush ] Not you.. your son.

Jimmy Carter: [ talking to cave guard ] Yes. Bin Laden.. we are looking for. We’re his old friends..

Ronald Reagan: Yeah. We went to Asshole School together!

Jimmy Carter: [ attempts to address the Afghani in his own language ]

Ronald Reagan: Alright, my turn!

Jimmy Carter: But I have experience negotiating with this culture!

Ronald Reagan: I know you do – that’s how I got elected. Now, watch and learn!

Jimmy Carter: But you don’t speak Arabic!

Ronald Reagan: It’s all about confidence. [ demonstrates, but gets nowhere in his conversation with the guard ] He’s just talking gibberish. I don’t know what he’s saying!

[ suddenly, a group of Afgani rebels begin an attack ]

Jimmy Carter: Uh-oh! [ relieves in his pants ]

Gerald Ford: [ confused ] Sand-wich..?

[ suddenly, Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo attack from the sky ]

Gary: That’s sticking it to them, Ace!

George Bush: What the hey?

Bill Clinton: Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Gary: We’re here to find the bad guy!

Ace: We’re gonna get in their holes and smoke ’em out!

Ronald Reagan: That’s sick!

[ the long nose of Ace and Gary’s vehicle starts to quiver back and forth ]

Ace: The dual-car’s tracking them right now! The tip is very sensitive. It can penetrate through any caves or backways.

Gary: We’re losing power!

Ace: Tickle the fender, Gary!

[ Gary exits the vehicle during flight and proceeds to rub the fender, rendering the vehicle more powerful ]

Ace: Here it comes! [ their vehicle slams into a cave opening and rams in and out several times to no avail ] Lubricate! [ juice emits onto the hood of the vehicle, and it rams into the cave one last time, pulling out a sticky bin Laden ] We got him! We got bin Laden!

[ the Afghanis gawk in confusion ]

Gary: Bin Laden? The guy we’ve been after?

[ no response ]

Ace: Hello? Bin Laden! What’s everyone looking at?

Everyone: Nothing!

[ a sandwich falls from the sky, Ford catches it ]

Gerald Ford: [ gleeful ] Sand-wich!

[ dissolve to jingle ]

Jingle:
“War brings people together
War brings people together

War brings people together (except Jerry Falwell)
War brings people together (brothers and sisters..)”

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Kattan
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.

John Walker Lynn, a 20-year-old American who had been studying in Pakistan has been captured by Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban. Experts called it the worst semester-abroad program ever.

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera says he’s carrying a gun while reporting in Afghanistan. Rivera says he needs the weapon in the event that he’s attacked by his own crew.

Tina Fey: It was also reported Geraldo Rivera barely escaped unharmed Thursday when an apparent sniper bullet almost hit him.

Jimmy Fallon: Here with a terrible re-creation of that event is our own Chris Kattan.

[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as Geraldo Rivera ]

Chris Kattan: This is Geraldo Rivera, reporting live from Afghanistan. [ bullet whizzes past him ] Feets, don’t fail me now! [ runs off ]

Jimmy Fallon: Horrible.

Tina Fey: That was terrible.

Jimmy Fallon: Really terrible. Chris Kattan.

This week on “Sesame Street”, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan gave Elmos a lesson in conflict resolution. Elmo said he liked the nice man, but still won’t let inspectors inside his chemical weapons plant.

After a year of speculation, inventor Dean Kamen unveiled his mysterious “It”, which is a battery-powered two-wheel people mover. Many believe it will completely revolutionize the way people get hit by cars.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, as the holiday season approaches, there are no doubt gonna be many holiday parties. At these parties, I urge you to drink responsibly. Especialy girls. Why? Because you don’t want to end up like this. Please welcome Drunk Girl, everybody.

Drunk Girl: Wheeeee!! Hahahahaha!! Shut up! Hahahaha! This holiday season, it’s hard to stop drinking because.. what?!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. I din’t say anything.

Drunk Girl: I hate you, Jimmy Fallon! I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you! I.. do.. hate.. you! your hair does look pretty rad, though! Hahahaha!! Give me a kiss! [ Jimmy refuses ] Get away from me! I’m smart, okay! I took Spanish! Como et te lama! That means “Hi!”

Jimmy Fallon: I never said you weren’t smart..

Drunk Girl: I never said you were a fart! Ahahahaha!! Oh, my god, that’s so funny! Ahahahaha! Shut up! I can make my tongue into a taco – look! [ demonstrates ]

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that’s great.. that’s fantastic.

Drunk Girl: [ starts weeping ]

Jimmy Fallon: What?

Drunk Girl: Why would you sleep with my best friend..? In front of me..?

Jimmy Fallon: I never..

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannow what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanowat you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanowature?!

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: You’re not a man! Mmm-mmm. [ whispering ] You’re an animal. Do you want to make out?

Jimmy Fallon: No, thank you.

Drunk Girl: Fine! I don’t need you, then! I’m gonna go get me a slice of that Hugh Jackman!

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, everybody, Drunk Girl.

A 32-year-old Filipino farmer sliced his gentials off with a machete in a fit of religious fervor, because he believed his penis was leading him to sin. In a follow-up to this story – he was right, and it worked.

The only way for the public to see the White House Christmas decorations this season will be through a virtual web tour of the mansion. A White House spokesperson says, “Just log on, type in bush ornaments, and enjoy whatever comes up.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

Josh Hartnett’s Monologue

…..Josh Hartnett
…..Jimmy Fallon

Josh Hartnett: Thank you, thanks for coming along you guys. Thanks, thank you. Thanks a lot yeah, alright… no no no, it’s okay, it’s okay. Thanks a lot you guys.

Hi, I’m Josh Hartnett. Well, you know what? I know you guys are probably expecting to see the same old Josh Hartnett stuff tonight, but… you’re in for a big surprise… because I’m not gonna be the Josh Hartnett that you’re used to seeing, alright?

Jimmy Fallon: Josh, Josh, Josh! Can I talk to you for a second?

Josh Hartnett: Yeah… Jimmy, what are you doing? I’m kind of in the middle of something…

Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing? What are you doing?

Josh Hartnett: What do you mean? What are you talking about? I’m being the new Josh Hartnett, you know, I think people are kinda sick of the old Josh Hartnett.

Jimmy Fallon: No, not, not, not a good idea.

Josh Hartnett: Well, I’m trying to think outside of the Josh Hartnett box.

Jimmy Fallon: Not cool man! Not cool!

Josh Hartnett: Okay…well, how would you know about that anyway?

Jimmy Fallon: I did it already…I became the new Jimmy Fallon.

Josh Hartnett: What are you talking about? When did you do this?

Jimmy Fallon: This was way back…in 2000…

Josh Hartnett: Oh…

Jimmy Fallon: Things were different back then.

Josh Hartnett: I remember that.Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I mean, you gotta remember this was a long time ago. This was back before they had iPods, you know… This is back when cell phones… now they’re this big… back then they were this big. I tried to be the new Jimmy Fallon but I was young. I trusted the wrong people… I don’t know, take a look…

(shows a picture of Jimmy with a mustache and shorts)

Josh Hartnett: That’s… that’s not good man.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah… I, I know…

Josh Hartnett: I mean, that’s pretty bad.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Josh Hartnett: I mean… I really can’t believe you still work here…

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, let it go! Alright? Look, my point is that not everybody is tired of the old Josh Hartnett.

Josh Hartnett: Really?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah…

Josh Hartnett: Are you… you’re not tired of the old Josh Hartnett?

Jimmy Fallon: I’ve been working with you all week, I’m a little tired of the old Josh Hartnett.

Josh Hartnett: Well, did you use to like the old Josh Hartnett?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, the new Jimmy Fallon… he really, really, really liked… almost too much. I mean, do I have to show you the picture again?… It was too much.

(shows the picture again)

Josh Hartnett: Yeah, well thanks Jimmy, thanks a lot man.

Jimmy Fallon: You’re welcome.

Josh Hartnett: Do you wanna stick around for the rest of this or…

Jimmy Fallon: No, I gotta go…

Josh Hartnett: Alright man… Jimmy Fallon.

Well, We do have a great show for you guys tonight. The old Josh Hartnett is here. Pink is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Thanks to Tal Horwitz for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Superman’s Fortress of Solitude

Superman….Hugh Jackman
Jor-El….Will Ferrell
Superman’s mom….Maya Rudolph
Superman’s Grandma….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with a shot of the icy fortress of solitude inthe North Pole. Superman goes in and stands in frontof a bunched up ice made crystals in a podium]

Superman: Finally, after a lifetime of wondering Iwill discover the secrets of my past. With thiscrystal the mystery of my true identity will berevealed.

[Pushes crystal into the podium, a big face of a whitehaired man appears. Heroic music plays]

Jor-El: My son. You do not remember me. I am Jor-El. Iam your father.

Superman: Father!

Jor-El: As time is measured on earth I have been deadfor many thousands of years.

Superman: Who am I?

Jor-El: You are Kal-El. The last son of Krypton.Defender of the light that is truth and justice.

Superman: Father, I have so many questions.

Jor-El: And together we shall find the answers. All myknowledge, all my wisdom are stored in this crystals Ibequeath to you. My only son.

[Heroic music stops. Awkward pause]

Jor-El: So, how’s it going?

Superman: Fine.

Jor-El: That’s good.

Superman: How are you?

Jor-El: Great.

Superman: Cool.

Jor-El: You need any money?

Superman: No, no. I’m all right.

Jor-El: Good.

Superman: Thanks, though.

Jor-El: Sure.[long uncomfortable pause]You’re motherwants to say hello.

Superman: Oh, cool.

[Jor-El goes away, big face of Superman’s mom appears,heroic music plays]

Superman’s Mom: My dear Kal-El. As time is measured onearth….

Superman: Yeah, dad already told me that, mom.

[Heroic music stops]

Superman’s Mom: Oh, so how are you sweetie?

Superman: Fine.

Superman’s Mom: You’re so grown up. And colorful.

Superman: What’s that supposed to mean?

Superman’s Mom: Oh, nothing, nothing. So, do you haveany friends?

Superman: Friends? Yeah, Lois Lane.

Superman’s Mom: Oh, you have agirlfriend.[relieved]Thank God.

Superman: No, mom, mom, mom. She’s not really mygirlfriend.

Superman’s Mom: Oh.

Superman: Yeah, we’re just buddies, we’re just buddieslike Jimmy Olsen, this teenage kid I hang out with.

Superman’s Mom:[distressed]Oh…

Superman: What?

Superman’s Mom: Nothing, nothing, no, nothing Ijust…here, your father wants to say something.

[Angry whispering between the two big heads ofSuperman’s parents]

Jor-El: Hey, son.

Superman: Hey, dad.

Jor-El: So, what else? Do you have a dog?

Superman: No, no. I’m thinking of getting one though.

Jor-El: Good. Great. You should. Well, anyway I betterlet you go.

Superman: Say good-bye to mom.

Jor-El: You bet.

Superman: Ok, bye dad.

Jor-El: Oh, Kal-El?

Superman: Yeah?

Jor-El: Nothing. See ya.

Superman: Ok, bye.

[Jor-El’s face disappears. Superman puts anothercrystal into the podium. An old white haired lady’sbig face appears]

Superman’s Grandma: Hi, Kal-El!

Superman:[bored]Hi, grandma.

Superman’s Grandma: Listen, I was just thinking….

[Superman’s Grandma keeps talking engaging Superman inanother pointless, boring family conversation]

[Fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Little Sleuths

Alistair Chesterfield…..Hugh Jackman
Franklin…..Horatio Sanz
Commissioner…..Darrell Hammond
Bookie Newton…..Seth Meyers
Sam Newton…..Amy Poehler

FADE IN

INT. WORTHINGTON LIBRARY – U.K. – EARLY 1900’s – NIGHT

A goateed ALISTAIR CHESTERFIELD, in suit & bowtie, smokes a pipe as FRANKLIN the butler comes forth with a silver tray of tea.

Alistair Chesterfield: Yes – thank you Franklin. Set the tea on the sideboard. I shant be much longer.

Franklin: How’s the case coming along, sir? Any insight on who slain Lady Worthington?

Alistair Chesterfield: Never fear…

Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.

Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield! There’s never been a case I haven’t solved.

The COMMISSIONER, in gray pinstripe suit, stumbles into the library.

Commissioner: Ah Chesterfield!

Alistair Chesterfield: Yes. What brings you to the Worthington estate, Commissioner?

Commissioner: It seems Lady Worthington had relatives in the States and they hired their own investigator.

Alistair Chesterfield: I work alone. You know that. I always have.

Commissioner: Not anymore. I’d like you to meet your new partner – Bookie Newton.

BOOKIE NEWTON, late teens, thick glasses, bowtie & sweater, scurries in.

Bookie Newton: Cheerio, blokes!! Commissioner, I hate to raise any alarm bells, but I observed all the cars are driving on the wrong side of the street.

Commissioner: I’ll look into that.

The commissioner laughs in a sarcastic tone and trails off.

Alistair Chesterfield: If you must be here boy, I suggest you stay out of my way for I am…

Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.

Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield – the man who single handedly solved such mind bending cases as the Sign of the Serpent, the Case of the Missing Crown Jewels, and the Case of Misses Wigglesworth and Her Secret Ecstasy Lab.

Bookie Newton: Well, I’m Bookie Newton and I’m no amateur sleuth and I’ve solved a few cases myself. Like the Case of the Unpopped Kernel, the Case of the Unwashed Gym Socks, and the Case of the Unclaimed Fart.

Alistair Chesterfield: That was you!

Bookie Newton: Mm-hmm. I deduced it to whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Alistair Chesterfield: And whoever denied it, supplied it! I’m familiar with your work.

Chesterfield shakes Bookie’s hand.

SAM NEWTON, in pigtails & reform school uniform, enters.

Sam: Hey everybody! I just peed in a water closet!!

Bookie Newton: This is my kid sister Sam. She’s nine!

Sam shakes her fist at Bookie.

Sam: 9 1/2!!!

Sam smiles.

Bookie Newton: She’s pretty perceptive for her age.

Sam: It smells like old people and murder in here.

Sam whiffs her left palm of her nose.

Sam: Wait a second!! Was an old person murdered in here!!

Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. I can already tell you are going to be of the utmost assistance.

Bookie Newton: If we’re going to work together, there are a few things you should know. First off, I have a fear of water due to swimmer’s ear. I also occasionally wet my bed. So if the case should involve water, I can’t swim in it or drink in it before bedtime.

Chesterfield nods.

Sam: And I’m afraid of clowns. It doesn’t matter if they’re happy or sad, they just plain terrify me.

Bookie comforts her.

Alistair Chesterfield: Fine. Fine, little sleuths. Let me fill you in… We believe Lady Worthington was murdered by a cat burglar interested in stealing her diamonds.

Bookie & Sam pull out large magnifying glasses, which are attached to lanyards around their necks.

Both: Why would a cat want to steal diamonds!!??

Sam: Or better yet, why would Lady Worthington have so much cat jewelry?

Bookie & Sam face each other with the magnifying glasses over their faces.

Both: Let’s figure it out.

Bookie Newton: Cats are related to lions…

Sam: Lions are kings of the jungle…

Bookie Newton: And jungle is part of the rainforest…

Sam: And rainforests are being destroyed by loggers…

Bookie Newton: And lager is a type of beer…

Sam: Made in England…

Both: The scene of the crime is England. Case closed!

Both shake hands and grin. Jackman breaks character by cracking up a little.

Alistair Chesterfield: Not quite. You’ve done very good work, but you’re only halfway there. Still we need a breakthrough.

Sam: I got a breakthrough – why don’t you give us some of that candy?

Sam turns to her left and reaches for a large candy dish. Bookie holds her back.

Bookie Newton: No Sam. You know the rules. Candy gives her nightmares.

Sam: I hate the devil, but I love his sugary poison.

Sam grins in a creepish manner. Jackman again cracks a brief chuckle.

Alistair Chesterfield: Well, my little sleuths, we don’t have much time.

Jackman faces the carpet as he struggles to keep a straight face.

Sam: Fine! Let’s re-enact the crime!

Bookie Newton: Backwards!

Both: A re-en-back-ment!!

Alistair Chesterfield: Excellent! I haven’t done one of those in years. Let’s begin.

Sam gets down on both her knees and places her faces into the floor.

Sam: Lady Worthington was found here – face down on the floor.

Bookie Newton: She obviously fell asleep while outlining herself in this chalk.

Sam: Yeah.

Sam gets up with a candlestick in her hand.

Sam: While she was sleeping, the killer hit her with this candlestick.

Chesterfield grabs the candlestick and begins moving backwards and moves to a mantelpiece

Alistair Chesterfield: Which was grabbed from this cluttered, nearby mantelpiece!

Sam: Yeah. And this must have meant the killer snuck up from behind her.

Bookie begins to walk backwards through a door.

Bookie Newton: Therefore the killer must have entered through this door.

Sam: What happens now, Alistair Chesterfield?

Alistair Chesterfield: It’s simple, Sam. Bookie will keep backing up until he ends up at the killer’s point of origin.

Sam: Well, maybe we should eat some candy while we wait?

Sam moves towards the candy dish. Chesterfield holds her back.

Alistair Chesterfield: Do you think that’s such a good idea, Sam?

Sam: Yes!

Bookie races in, out of breath.

Bookie Newton: I backed up what must have seemed forever. Until I found myself in the butler’s quarters!

Franklin comes behind Chesterfield, setting down a new tray of tea, before everyone turns to him and Franklin shakes the tray and loses control. DRAMATIC REVEAL MUSIC CUES IN. Sanz holds back a laugh as the clutter of the tray nearly hits him.

Franklin: That crusty old bitch deserved it!! She hadn’t given me a raise in 24 years!

Alistair Chesterfield: Take yourself to the nearest jail, Franklin.

Franklin: As you wish, sir.

Franklin exits with poise, but stops at the Newtons.

Franklin: Damn you little sleuths!!

Both: Case closed!!

Both shake hands in much vigor.

Alistair Chesterfield: Shall we share a ride to the train station?

Bookie Newton: Actually, our nanny’s waiting outside and she gives me an erection, so I kind of want to go with her.

Sam: Hey Bookie, what’s an erection?

Bookie Newton: Break it down!

Sam: Well, “erect” means something “straight up”, and “ion” means to “beat it”!!

Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. Those little sleuths…

Chesterfield smiles as he smokes his pipe, watching them exit.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

Celine Dion Special

Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer

[instrumental to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ plays in the background. Images of Celine are shown.]

Announcer: A voice for the ages. The return of a legend at a time when we need legends most.

Celine Dion: [singing under a spotlight] …near, far, wherever you are…

Announcer: After almost 22 months in retirement, the most important person in the world is returning to the stage.

Celine Dion: I am back! Raise the roof, girlfriend, I am back, huh?

Announcer: Celine has shared her music with us. Now she’ll share the intimate details of her life.

Celine Dion: Ya know, when I was breastfeeding my son Rene-Charles, my husband Rene was begging me all the time to have sex, I was like, ‘Rene, give it a rest sometime, huh? Can’t be getting down on your heart 24-7, huh?’ [singing] …and I know that my heart will go on…

Announcer: Opening up about marriage and motherhood.

Celine Dion: You have to open the diaper and look at the poop, huh? Because that is where the truth is, you know what I’m saying, sister? You know, you can see what he ate, and if he is digesting good, I do it with the baby, too! [singing] …where does the heart beat now…

Announcer: Celine Dion. The singer/superstar/everyday normal person just like you and me.

Celine Dion: You know, I am finally knowing about being normal. I am making the toast in the morning, and you know, toast is just bread, and you make it with your hands! You put it in the toaster, you push down the button, and you are making TOAST! I am so lucky because I can make the toast myself, or I can make the chef make it. But why would I…because I am the greatest toast maker in the world! [singing] …do I love you my oh my, river deep, mountain high…

[split frame showing Celine singing and her hosting a talk show]

Announcer: She’s back. Singing her classic songs and telling her classic talk show stories. Sharing a little more than any of us wanted to know.

[back to spotlight scene]

Celine Dion: So we got this frozen embryo, huh?

Announcer: Celine Dion, on CBS. [old person’s voice] The old people’s network!

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 1,148

“I tried to explain to Lalani that she could not come back with me to civilization, that she would die there. A tear trickled down her cheek. Then she put something in my hand. It was a shrunken head. The same one that had made us laugh so much that first day.”

SNL Transcripts

01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Jupitarians…..Maya Rudolph, Cameron Diaz, Amy Poehler

[ Open with Astronaut Jones surrounded by large rocks on the planetJupiter ]

Astronaut Jones: [ into transmitter ] Come in earth. I’ve collected some space rock and I’ve tested them. Over. One thing I will say that here on the planet Jupiter there is no life. No one is around. Over. Uh-oh. I hear something.

Jingle:
“Rocket!
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase.
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race.
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say,
‘There goes Astronaut Jones!’

Hey!”

Announcer: Astronaut Jones! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 8: Voyage to Jupiter”.

Astronaut Jones: Hello, Earth. I’m on the planet Jupiter investigating the rocks and possible life forms. Over. I’m getting a funny reading on my life-o-meter. Wait! Hold on, Earth! Someone’s coming.

[ Three Jupitarians approach Astronaut Jones ]

Jupitarians: [ speaking together ] Earthling.

Astronaut Jones: Uh.

Jupitarians: Welcome. We are the Jupitarians.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: We come in peace …

Astronaut Jones: Yeah.

Jupitarians: … and wish no ill will on you.

Astronaut Jones: Ok.

Jupitarians: For centuries, we have longed for the day that your people would arrive on our fair planet.

Astronaut Jones: Dig.

Jupitarians: We have much to share with your culture …

Astronaut Jones: That’s cool.

Jupitarians: … and you as well …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and learn much from our wise ones.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Jupitarians: One day …

Astronaut Jones: Oh.

Jupitarians: … earth creatures …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and Jupitarians …

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Jupitarians: … will live in peace …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and harmony …

Astronaut Jones: That’s sweet.

Jupitarians: … and that by sharing and learning from each other …

Astronaut Jones: I can dig that.

Jupitarians: … we can form a beautiful …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … new universe.

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man.

Jupitarians: What say you to this, Earthling?

Astronaut Jones: I say you three ladies hike up those dresses and bend over let me slap those phat asses.

Jingle:
“Rocket!
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase … “

[ music continues ]

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: Good lookin’ out, money!

[ fade ]

Thanks to Phil-D-O-double-G for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 750

“The sparkles of water from the lagoon glistened on Lalani’s breasts, and drew prisms of light onto the lens of my binoculars.”

SNL Transcripts

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

Super Buzzers

Bert Convy…..Chris Parnell
Jill Kenson…..Amy Poehler
Ken Jilson…..Jonny Mosely
George Gaynes…..Jimmy Fallon
Nipsey Russell…..Dean Edwards
Charro…..Maya Rudolph
Wayland Flowers…..Chris Kattan
Jo Anne Worley…..Ana Gasteyer
Richard Dawson…..Seth Meyers
LaWanda Page…..Tracy Morgan
Paul Lynde…..Will Ferrell
Brett Somers…..Rachel Dratch
Mary Ann Mobley…..Tina Fey
Truman Capote…..Horatio Sanz
…..Rip Taylor

V/O: You’re watching The Game Show Network. Coming up next – “Super Buzzers”!

Announcer: And now, it’s the only game show where contestants compete for fabulous cash prizes – “Super Buzzers”! Here’s your host.. Bert Convy!

[ Bert Convy enters late 70’s-style game show set, holding ultra-thin microphone ]

Bert Convy: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, ladies and gentleman, welcome to “Super Buzzers”! Let’s meet our contestants. She’s a schoolteacher from Palmdale, California – here’s Jill Kenson!

Jill Kenson: Hi, Bert.

Bert Convy: And he’s a schoolteacher from Rodondo Beach, California. Please welcome – Ken Jilson!

Ken Jilson: Hello, Bert.

Bert Convy: Wow! Ken Jilson, and Jill Kenson – that is odd?

Ken Jilson: [ confused ] How so?

Bert Convy: [ laughs ] Let’s play the game! But first, let’s meet our celebrity panel. Now, our first celebrity panelist is a very talented man – he’s a regular here at “Super buzzers”. He’s currently working on a pilot for a new show, where he plays the father of a young teen claled Punky Brewster. He’s George Gaynes!

George Gaynes: Ohh.. hello, Bert, great to be here.

Bert Convy: Now, tell us more about this show you’re working on.

George Gaynes: Ohhh, it’s a wonderful story, Bert. A single father, bringing up a rebel-rousing teen named Punky Brewster. Now, who would name their child Punky? Oh, Punky.. Pun-ky! Punky Brewster. I don’t know how to raise a girl!

Bert Convy: [ feigns laughter ] Great! Annnndd.. enough! Next up, the one, the only, the funny, the talented – Nipsey Russell!

Nipsey Russell: Hello, everybody!

Bert Convy: Now, I understand you have a rhyme for us, Nipsey.

Nipsey Russell: You’re always a winner, you’re never a luzzer.. when you play a game, known as “Super Buzzer”!

Bert Convy: [ chuckles ] Ah, Nipsey, you’re truly the Lord Byron of the ghetto! Fantastic! Now, here’s a woman who can super my buzzer any day – the sexy star of “Broadway and Beyond”, the incredible Charro!

Charro: Berto, you make my breasts big – yes! Once a week, I go on “The Love Boat”! Larry will play a dad, and I play a nanny! Coochie, coochie, coochie coo!

Bert Convy: Ah, Charro, you scamp! [ laughs ] Okay, you’re ready, Jill?

Jill Kenson: [ aggravated ] Yes!

Bert Convy: Okay. Then let’s meet the rest of our panel! Uh-oh! Who do we have here? Our favorite comic and his grouchy sidekick – say hello to Wayland Flowers and Madame!

Voice of Madame: Hiiiiii! Bert, you look marvelous! I’d like to treat you like a popsicle and lick you lal over! [ laughs ]

Bert Convy: [ laughs ] Maybe later, Madame.

Wayland Flowers: Well.. that was.. me.. Waylon..

Bert Convy: Ouch. [ awkward pause ] Uh, Ken.. do you have anything you want to say to Madame?

Ken Jilson: Not really.. are we ever gonna play this game?

Bert Convy: Quiet, please. Hey, there’s no bigger star than our next guest – the incomparable, the astonishing, the irrespressible Miss Joanne Worley!

Joanne Worley: [ excited ] Awho-oo-oo-oo-oo!! Chicken!

Bert Convy: [ laughing heartily ] Joanne, as always, it’s a pleasure to have you on “Super Buzzers”! And one of my closest friends – a man who always makes us laugh with his funny, funny jokes – the very funny, Mr. Richard “Funnyman” Dawson! What have you been up to, Richard?

Richard Dawson: [ thinking ] My first wife.

Bert Convy: [ disappointed ] Huh. I missed that. But.. he’s usually very funny.. [ nervous chuckle ] ..as all “Super Buzzer” fans know. [ nervous chuckle ]

Ken Jilson: Excuse me? Can we start now?

Bert Convy: Oh, sure, we can start. Alright, we’ve got a lot of great prizes to win, two eager contestants! So, without further ado, let’s meet some more of our superstar celebrity panel!

Jill Kenson: Hey…

Bert Convy: Now, sitting down here in Row 1, you may know her as Aunt Esther from “Sanford & Son”. Here’s the lovely, the beautiful, Miss LaWanda Page!

LaWanda Page: Bert, flattery will get you everywhere!

Bert Convy: Now, I thought we talked about this LaWanda – need you to wear a bra.

LaWanda Page: I ain’t wearing no panties, either!

Bert Convy: Fantastic. [ moves on ] Look out, ladies! It’s the Chattanooga Charmer himself! Mr. Paul Lynde!

Paul Lynde: [ giggly ] Shu-ut up! Shu-ut up, Bert! I’d like a tall drink of you-ou! Better make it a double!

Bert Convy: [ awkward ] Gre-eat.. [ nervous chuckle ] Next up, star of stage and screen – you know her from “Battlestar Gallactica” and “Match Game ’73”, say hello to Brett Somers!

Bret Somers: [ raspy-viced from chainsmoking ] Hi, Bert.

Bert Convy: Always great to see you, Bret, and you look lovely. And, next to her, is another lovely lady – the Southern Swan – the most beautiful woman alive – Miss Mary Ann Mobley!

Mary Ann Mobley: Hey, Bert – do you like to swing?

Bert Convy: [ nervous laughter ] We’ll talk about that later! [ nervous laughter ] Next up, we have Mr. Truman Capote!

Truman Capote: Ev-ery-one in this house is a mur-der-er. A mur-der-er of the Eng-lish lan-guage! Just kid-ding! no one here is in-vit-ed to my black and white ball.. but Bert! You’ve been giv-ing me.. blue balls!

Bert Convy: Wildly inappropriate, Truman. And, last, we have the laways funny star of variety shows everywhere – it’s Rip Taylor!!

Rip Taylor: [ laughs to thunderous applause ] Hi, Berty!

Bert Convy: Hi, Rippy!

Rip Taylor: Oh, God bless America, Bert! [ puts cardboard American flag wig on his head ]

[ laughs ]

[ removes flag, rubs toupee ] Is it on? It’s a new one. Oh, God! Rug warnings are up – it’s windy as hell outside! [ Bert laughs ] I got this hairpiece from a hind leg of a dog – I go by a tree, and this whole side goes up in the air! [ Bert laughs, as Rip nudges Truman Capote ] Did you get that one, Tru! [ laughs ] I’ve been with a lot of kids – I love kids.. but I can’t bear them!

[ laughs uproariously ]

[ to the groaning audience ] I don’t dance – I didn’t write this crap, so pay attention! [ Bert laughs ] Anyway, kids love these little jokes – If Totie fields married Truman Capote, she’d be Totie Capote! [ Bert laughs, as Rip sucker punches Truman Capote ] Did you get it, you dingbat! And, if Kitty Carlyle married Conway Twitty, she’dbe Kitty Twitty! [ Bert can’t stop laughing ] Wait, I got one more! If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader! [ Bert laughs harder than ever ] I should’ve started with that one, shouldn’t I? And if Pia Zadora married Rich Little, she’d be Pia Little! No, I’m not working with kids, you know why? Because the kids love things like this! [ stands up and waves a bag of confetti over the celebrities, to wild laughter from Bert ]

Bert Convy: Oh, my goodness! Rip Taylor, everybody! Oh, my goodness! [ can’t stop chuckling ] Okay, well, let’s begin the game! Now, Ken, the first question is for you! [ alarm sounds ] Ohhhh.. that alarm means we’re out of time! And Ken is our winner!

] Ken is shocked, but pleased ]

Jill Kenson: Hey!

Bert Convy: Hey, we’ll see you next time, on an all new “Super Buzzers”![ fade ]

SNL Transcripts