Author: Don Roy King

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Al Sharpton…..Jerry Minor

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much! I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And, let’s begin with a recap of election news from the last twenty-four hours. Yesterday afternoon in a surprising decision, the Florida Supreme Court ruled in favor of Al Gore, calling for an immediate hand recount. This victory for Gore is regarded as the most shocking and ludicrous comeback since Bobby Ewing walked out of the shower on “Dallas”.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s like a WWF Smackdown plot. You know the guy’s all beat up – he’s down for the count, George Bush is talking about his transition team, and then all of a sudden you see Al Gore’s eyebrow go up – “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?” Gore grabs a folding chair, whole new ball game.

Tina Fey: Then, around 4:30 p.m., Judge N. Sanders Sauls recuses himself of any further proceedings and George W. Bush recuses himself in his pants.

Jimmy Fallon: Then around 5:30, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch burst into flames.

Tina Fey: So now we’re up to today. At eight o’clock this morning, the hand recounts start up again, then the Circuit Court rejects Bush’s appeal, the Prime Minister of Israel resigns, no one notices, then this afternoon the U.S. Supreme Court got all up in it and stopped the recount. In light of these events, America is cancelled. Citizens are asked to choose between Canada and Mexico by 4 p.m. tomorrow.

On “Meet the Press” last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that “We may be on the edge of a recession.” Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, “If it’s warm enough, can we have recession outside?”

During an interview this week on “60 Minutes”, Al Gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, “Anger? What would be the point of feeling that way?” Adding, “Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions.”

Tina Fey: And now, here with a new segment called “I Have An Opinion”, is our own, Jimmy Fallon.

[ trumpet fanfare ]

Jimmy Fallon: I have an opinion! I keep hearing people say, “Aren’t you sick of the whole election thing? Don’t you want it to end?” No. No, I don’t want it to end. This is the coolest thing ever! With the court cases, the protest, all the twists and turns, “Stop the count!” “We already stopped the count.” “Yeah? Well, stop it again!” The tension, the excitement, the emotions, people – it kicks ass! Disenfrancised voters! Oh, yeah, I said it! And I know what it means, too! Yeah, I’m watching CNN now, because I want to! Because I have opinions! Decision 2000, that’s what they call it. Not “The Election”. You know why? Because it’s a TV show. It’s “Survivor”. It’s “Millionaire”. It’s “The Real World” – the Boston one. You hear that, America? For the first time ever, politics are exciting! And I want more! I am not an animal – I’m a human being. And I have an opinion! I also think “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” is a really cool movie. I Have An Opinion!

Benjamin Harrison Holcomb, the world’s oldest man, died this week at the age of 111. Doctors say the official cause of death was “cracking in half”.

New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. That’s encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and fabrache eggs.

Tina Fey: Among all the other problems with this year’s election, there have also been allegations of discrimination and intimidation of black voters. Here to comment, are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

Jesse Jackson: Tonight.. we pause and give thanks.. and praise to God.. for being good enough to allow us to petition the United States Supreme Court.. to count the vote, and not the clock.

Al Sharpton: Tell them, Jesse!

Jesse Jackson: I take this position: the thesis, antithesis, creatosynthesis, the critical mass of mutual survival.

Al Sharpton: We have an egregious situation! These allegations of a voter intimidation have forced us to start litigation, ’cause George Bush is trying to win this election over prestidigitation.

Jesse Jackson: That was good.

Al Sharpton: Thank you.

Jesse Jackson: But I will keep focus on our message.

Al Sharpton: This election was ambushed, bushwhacked, and a Gore in the hand is worth more than a Bush in the Oval Office. Push Bush into the bush!

Jesse Jackson: I will keep focus on my message. As a face of America – red, yellow, black and white..

Al Sharpton: Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike! If I love the girl, who cares who you like? Cool it now!

Together: [ singing ] “Oooh, watch out! You’re gonna lose control!”

Jesse Jackson: But I digress.. Dick Cheney – big ol’ butt; one Denny’s Grand Slam away from dead. Let’s make sense. Now, Mr. Bush has appealed to the highest court in the land. Next Tuesday night, we will march on the steps of the courthouse, and when Katherine Harris come out.. look like Dracula..

Al Sharpton: We will go upside Dracula’s head!

Jesse Jackson: Tuesday, and we will continue into Wednesday, if that is what it takes.

Al Sharpton: We will march into Thursday, if necessary. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday!

Jesse Jackson: We may have lost this battle, but the war is not over! Wherever you are tonight, you can make it!

Al Sharpton: [ singing ] “The NBA.. is in the house..”

Jesse Jackson: Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it! It gets dark sometimes, but the morning comes! We must never surrender! America will get better and better and better! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!

Tina Fey: The Reverand Jackson and Al Sharpton, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Burt Bacharach

Brenda…..Ana Gasteyer
Burt Bacharach…..Val Kilmer
Tom Tyson…..Will Ferrell
Wesley Tyson…..Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, A&M recording Studios, 1967 ]

Brenda: Wow! Mr. Burt Bacharach! [ laughing nervously ] Can I just say, from all of us at A&M Records, it is a pleasure to meet you!

Burt Bacharach: [ smiling constantly ] Brenda, you flatter me! But when it comes right down to it, we’re all here for one thing – to make beautiful Burt Bacharach music. Because I am Burt Bacharach!

Brenda: [ laughing ] Yes, you are!

Burt Bacharach: I am Burt Bacharach! Not Burt Lancaster – Burt Bacharach!

Brenda: You are! I’m Brenda!

Burt Bacharach: No, I’m Burt Bacharach!

Brenda: Oh, okay!

[ The Tyson Brothers, Tom and Wesley, enter the recording studio ]

Burt Bacharach: And here are the best two session players in the biz! Brenda, let me introduce you to the Tyson Brothers – Tom and Wesley.

Brenda: So, you guys are the horn players, correct?

Wesley Tyson: I play trumpet.

Tom Tyson: I play trumpet and saxophone.

Burt Bacharach: Fantastic! Okay, you guys, you know what we’re doing. [ dispenses the sheet music ] A little Burt Bacharach number called “I Say A Little Prayer”. Yeah. That’s the one that got me the big, fat.. [ digresses ] Well.. are you guys ready?

Wesley Tyson: Burt, do you want any improvisationals?

Burt Bacharach: Uh.. no. Take a look at the charts. I think just a nice.. uh.. a nice straight-ahead thing.

Wesley Tyson: No improvisationals.

Burt Bacharach: No. I think just a nice, straight-ahead Burt Bacharach. Okay, are we ready? Alright. [ he and Brenda enter the booth ] Are you ready, fellas?

Wesley Tyson: Uh, yeah.

Tom Tyson: Ready.

[ muzak version of “I Say A Little Prayer” begins, as Tom and Wesley wet their lips and brace their horns ]

[ Wesley glances at Tom, who licks his lips and plays the first stanza on his trumpet ]

[ between stanzas, the brothers wet their lips again ]

[ both brothers play their trumpets for the second stanza, as Burt snaps his fingers inside the booth. At stanza’s end, both brothers nod congratulatory to one another, then prepare for the finale. ]

[ Tom straps a saxophone around his neck, then attempts to slip an improvisation past Wesley, who immediately notices, and scowls silently ]

Burt Bacharach: [ as the song ends ] Oh, that was perfect! San Diego, here I come!

Wesley Tyson: Burt, I thought you said you didn’t want any improvisationals?

Tom Tyson: [ defensive ] I just played what was on the chart, Wesley.

Wesley Tyson: You played an improvisational!

Tom Tyson: I played what was on the chart!

Wesley Tyson: That was an improvisational!

Tom Tyson: I would never do that!

Wesley Tyson: That’s a LIE!

Tom Tyson: You shut up!

Wesley Tyson: Your whole LIFE’S a LIE!

Tom Tyson: [ shrieking ] SHUT UP!!

Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!

Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!

Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!

Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!

Burt Bacharach: [ interrupting ] Silence! [ the brothers start weeping ] Boys! Boys! Fellas, please. You laid down a perfect Burt Bacharach track – that’s all that matters. Now, get out.

[ the Tyson Brothers pick up their instruments and casually exit the studio. Burt holds his hands over the music stands as he circles around them and picks up the sheet music. ]

Brenda: Wow. Powerful music.. powerful stuff.

Burt Bacharach: Yes, Brenda. That’s what you get with Tyson magic – a volatile beginning.. a volatile ending.

Brenda: Right.

Burt Bacharach: That was perfect, that was brilliant!

Brenda: They are brilliant.

Burt Bacharach: Debbie, they are brilliant!

Brenda: It’s Brenda.

Burt Bacharach: No, it’s Debbie! And I’m Burt Bacharach!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Reliable Investments

Investor…..Ana Gasteyer
Broker…..Alec Baldwin

[ presented in intercut split-screen/full-screen visuals, alternating Investor’s hotel room and Broker’s office ]

Investor: I’m considering the Reliable Dividend Growth Fund. What can you tell me about it?

Broker: The Reliable Dividend Growth Fund invests in companies with potential for first-time or increasing dividends. We’ve found they’re often a signal for companies in pretty good shape.

Investor: Dividends as an indication of financial health. That’s smart. What can you tell me about midcap, and midcap funds? Does Reliable have a midcap fund?

Broker: Oh, Reliable’s midcap fund generally invests in companies valued between 1 and 15 billion.

Investor: Suppose I wanted to buy an indivudual midcap stock instead of a mutual fund?

Broker: Well, that would be possible, depending on performance. It would offset the risk of your stocks and your portfolio. [ opens his office window and peers out ]

Investor: So, great. I could buy the funds, or go right into a stock.

Broker: [ jumps out of his window, yet remains on the line ] Reliable is one of the largest on-line brokers. You can click into our Smart Screen and start trading today.

Investor: Is there a map of the market?

Broker: They have everything you need, including up-to-the-minute quotes.

Investor: Great. I think I’ve learned something!

Broker: It’s a great time to invest!

[ show Reliable Investments logo ]

Announcer: To invest, call, click or visit Reliable.

[ sound of Broker landing on the ground with a thud ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz
Eminem…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Bill Clinton’s brother Roger was arrested this week for drunk driving in California and then was thrown out of a restaurant after threatening the doorman. Despite all this, Roger Clinton is still the least embarrassing member of the family.

Daimler-Chrysler announced this week that they will market a giant S.U.V. called Unimog in the United States. The Unimog is over nine feet high and 20 feet long. The $84,000 truck will most likely be bought by fire departments, constructions companies and men with very tiny penises.

Jimmy Fallon: And now with “Women’s News”, is our own Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy. Recent studies show that, increasingly, women prefer female gynecologists. Now, as a licensed midwife, which I am not, this issue is very important to me. I, myself, am thinking about switching to a female gynecologist because I think my male gynecologist might be lying to me about being a doctor. ‘Cause last week, I found out that he also works at Foot Locker, which, if he was a real doctor, I don’t think he would have to do that. But his bedside manner is so soothing.. and he gives me wine.. and he keeps his van really clean. I don’t know, I want to ask to see his license, but I don’t want to seem racist. Anyway, I’m not gonna fire him yet. I want to see how the pictures come out. Back to you, Jimmy.

Michael Skakel, a nephew of Robert Kennedy, was formally arraigned Wednesday in the 1975 murder of Martha Moxley. Reached for comment, the 40-year-old Kennedy cousin said, “I didn’t want to be involved in a sex ad death scandal but it was my turn.”

Gay and lesbian groups slammed Elton John’s appearance with Eminem at this weeks Grammys. In a statement they said, “We are shocked that Elton John would agree to perform in that suit! I mean it looks like contact paper from John Water’s kitchen! Hell-o?!”

Tina Fey: And, finally, for those of you who didn’t see Elton John and Eminem’s controversial duet at the Grammy’s Wednesday night, “Weekend Update” has obtained a clip.

[ clip plays ]

Elton John: [ singing ]
“My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad..”

Eminem: [ singing ]
“I’m glad that I inspire you
but Stan, why are you so mad?
Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don’t want you to do some crazy stuff
I seen this one thing on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk,
and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape,
but they didn’t say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!”

[ Elton John steps out and hugs Eminem ]

Eminem: Thank you!

[ Eminem and Elton John engage in a passionate kiss ]

[ back on the “Weekend Update” set ]

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t see what’s so controversial about that.

Tina Fey: I don’t know, I don’t see what the big deal is. You know what – roll the clip again.

[ clip returns to see Elton John on the floor being humped by Eminem ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, man! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Singles Cruise

Cruise Director…..Katie Holmes
Conner…..Chris Parnell
Lalani…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on a Singles Cruise ship as it departs – two passengers remain seated at the bar as the other passengers are leaving ]

Cruise Director: [ over loudspeaker next to the bar ] On behalf of the Crew of Krisma 2, we hope you had a wonderful time on this very special Mingle & Singles Cruise. Unfortunately, we do require that all passengers leave the bar at this time. [ walks away ]

Conner: [ sighs ] Looks like they’re casting us off the ship.

Lalani: Ya. Ya. I guess we’ve been voted off, huh? Well I certainly enjoyed the cruise.

Conner: Well, here’s to coming as singles and leaving as singles.

Lalani: Well, cheers to that. I’m Lalani, hi.

Conner: I’m Conner.

Lalani: Hi there. So, do you wear the hat all the time?

Conner: Uh, pretty much. Except when I sleep and when I shower.

Lalani: Ah. Is that right? Yeah, I remember seeing you at the disco.

Conner: Uh, yeah, I was there every night.

Lalani: Yeah! Yeah, you looked like you really love to dance.

Conner: Oh, it’s my steam-release valve. If I don’t dance, I got really violent. Do you like to dance?

Lalani: You know, I really do not.

Conner: Alright, that’s too bad.

Cruise Director: [ returns to make second announcement ] For those of who are still finishing your drinks on the outer deck, we’d like to once again ask you to take your belongings and disbark. From the crew of Krisma 2, we’d like to ask you to leave.

Conner: Uh, you don’t have to wait for us..

Cruise Director: Legally, we have to wait for every passenger to clear before we can leave. Giving you a heads-up. Have a nice one. [ exits ]

Lalani: Hey, where are you from? Do I detect a German accent?

Conner: I was born in Scotland.

Lalani: Wow! Isn’t that wonderful? Yeah, I’m part Scottish. But I guess you can tell with all of this red hair.

Conner: Redheads give me the creeps.

Lalani: I can see that. Sure, not for everybody.

Cruise Director: [ returns to make third announcement ] For the two people who are still on the boat, it is time for you to disbark! The crew is given only 45 minutes of shore leave, and some of us need to go home to take a home pregnancy test. [ exits ]

Lalani: Wow! It sounds like someone had a fun cruise, huh? [ laughs ] So, do you live in the area?

Conner: Oh, I live in Reno. How about you?

Lalani: Oh, I live in Boca Raton. Yeah. Boy, we do not live anywhere near each other, do we?

Conner: Looks that way! [ laughs ] And I will not fly, even if you paid me.

Lalani: Yeah. So, did you enjoy the cruise?

Conner: Ah, you know now, not too much. Most of my buddies were drowning in Tang all week, and, uh.. I kind of dreamed about meeting someone – you know, that juggy blonde who likes to get it on all night, you know?

Lalani: Yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend Leslie hooked up right away. She’s really fun.

Conner: I saw her! She’s beautiful!

Lalani: Yeah, she’s a neat girl.

Conner: Ohh.. she’s like a dream girl! I’d love to get my tongue down her throat!

Lalani: Sure.. sure.. absolutely.. why not?

Conner: So, what do you do?

Lalani: Oh, I run an animal rescue group called Sentient Creatures of Boca – it’s S.C.O.B., for short. And what do you do?

Conner: I’m a furrier.

Lalani: Well.. what are the odds of that? That is wild!

Cruise Director: [ returns to make fourth announcement ] Attention, all redheaded women and Scottish cowboys: if you do not exit this boat within the next three minutes, you will be removed by ship security! Thanks a lot! The cruise is now over, and we’re not obliged to be nice any more! Go away! [ exits ]

Lalani: You know there was, there was just one other thing I was gonna ask you, what was it? Oh, yeah – did you have the seafood buffet last night?

Conner: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did! I was sick all night!

Lalani: Me, too! I was sick all night, too. I am still shaking!

Conner: Hey! [ moves one seat closer ] Did you have it coming out of both ends?

Lalani: Yes! Yeah! It was, like, “Which way do I sit?”

Conner: Yeah, right! I know! Well, I finally solved that by setting a wastebasket on the floor in front of the crapper!

Lalani: So did I! Oh, my goodness! This is funny!

Conner: You know.. I’ll bet we were on the toilet at the same time!

Lalani: Yeah! I bet we were! On the.. toilet..

[ they lean closer and kiss one another passionately ]

Cruise Director: [ leans in from behind the bar ] Goodbye! Goodbye! Get a room, not on the boat! Krisma 2 is not interested in playing! [ grabs a beverage nozzle ] Don’t make me use this!

[ Conner and Lalani finally agree to leave ]

Lalani: Uh.. my Miata is in the lot, so..

Conner: I guess this is.. goodbye..

Lalani: Oh.. yeah. Okay. And.. goodbye..

Conner: I mean, uh.. unless you want to have sex?

Lalani: Yeah.. you know, I’m not so sure about that.

Conner: I do.

Lalani: Okay. Then, let’s go!

Conner: Uh, alright. Uh.. I’m not circumsized.

Lalani: Uh, yeah.. of course you’re not..

[ they walk off together ]

SNL Transcripts

Val Kilmer’s Monologue

…..Val Kilmer
Clarence…..Darrell Hammond
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Molly Shannon
…..Chris Parnell
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Kattan

Val Kilmer: Straight up, I want to thank all the cast and writers of “Saturday Night Live”, relaly, really brilliant.

I was actually asked to host a couple of times, but I.. chickened out. Even backstage, I was just thinking, “God, I would just like to be out in the house, or home, watching on TV..

[ Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life” appears ]

Clarence: Well, now you’ve got your wish.

Val Kilmer: Oh, no.. who are you?

Clarence: I’m Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life”.

Val Kilmer: But I didn’t wish I was never born..

Clarence: I know. You wished you had never hosted “Saturday Night Live”. Come with me, won’t you, young man. I’m going to show you what would have happened if you hadn’t hosted the show. [ they walk over to the night’s first stage, The Great Frog Society, where Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon and Molly Shannon sit disapoointed in their Keith Moon, Buddy Holly and Janis Joplin costumes, respectively ] Take a look at this.

Val Kilmer: Oh, they’re sad..

Clarence: They don’t look very happy, do they, Val?

Val Kilmer: Gosh.. they were all so funny in the sketch..

Clarence: Oh, yes.

Val Kilmer: Why are they so down?

Clarence: Well, the sketch about The Doors never made it to air, because you weren’t there to hot the show! [ walks over to the next stage, Chris Parnell leaning against an airplane cockpit set ] And, look, over here. Poor Chris Parnell, he was hilarious in this “Top Gun” sketch during rehearsals, and he would have been even funnier on air when Mr. Steven Spielberg was in the crowd.

Val Kilmer: Spielburg came?

Clarence: Uh, he came to see U.. 2! Uh.. he’s a big Bono fan. Anyway, he discovered Chris Parnell and put him in his next movie, and Chris Parnell became an international sensation!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. Parnell became a big movie star..

Chris Parnell: Is that so hard to believe, Val? [ shoves him ] Jackass!

Clarence: Oh, my..

Val Kilmer: You said that they couldn’t see or hear me..?

Clarence: I never said that! Come over here! [ walks over to Tracy Morgan standing silently alone ] Poor Tracy Morgan.

Val Kilmer: Tracy really looks sad.. Because I didn’t host the show, he wasn’t in it?

Clarence: No.. he wasn’t in the show, anyway. He’s sad because he usually sells weed to the audience and picks up an extra $500. But, see, since there was no show, you know the rest.. [ walks past Chris Kattan dressed as Mango ] Oh, no, here’s the saddest of all.

Val Kilmer: Kattan lookd horrible. Is he that shaken Mango wasn’t gonna be on the show?

Clarence: Well, it was cut at dress, but he’s so upset about it, later tonight he takes his own life.

Val Kilmer: What? Oh, my God..

Clarence: Yes.. No! I’m yanking your chain! But, this one does cry a great deal and wears the costume for days.

Val Kilmer: To the after-show party?

Clarence: No! There is no after-show party, young man. There’s no show, no party, nothing – because you didn’t host!

Val Kilmer: Well.. what happens to me, Clarence.. how does my life change?

Clarence: Oh, I don’t think you want to know that..

Val Kilmer: No, Ido, Clarence! Tell me what happens!

Clarence: Well.. you stay at home, watching TV.. drink a few beers.. order a pizza from Domino’s.. and you eat it and fall asleep, like most people your age! That’s it!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. I do want to host the show!

Clarence: Well, get up there, young man!

[ Val runs back to Home Base ]

Val Kilmer: I feel better already! Well, we do have a great show! [ hears some bells ] Oh, is that Clarence getting his wings?

Darrell Hammond: [ removing his Clarence wig offstage ] No, that means I’m getting ready for the next sketch.

Val Kilmer: Oh, alright. Okay, then, U2 is actually on this show, then? Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Jenna…..Lucy Liu
Daniel…..Chris Parnell

Jarret: Hey dudes, you’re logging on for the first time. My name’s Jarret, I’ve been a junior here for the past two years at Hampshire College, or as I like to call it, Hempshire College. I live on the third floor at Lima Hall on a schweet three man overlooking the quad, and I do this webcast 24-7, 365. The only time you don’t get to see me is when I come out of the shower, and the other day when I saw the movie ‘Stepmom’ and started to cry. My first guest today is my good bud. I met him four years ago when he was a sophomore, and he’s still a sophomore. I think he’s like 35 or something. Please welcome, my roommate and my homie, Gobi.

[Gobi enters, wearing a ‘Funkin Gonuts’ t-shirt]

Gobi: Attention Earthlings! Take me to your dealer! [laughing] Wassup bro-bro! Hey Jarret man, is it true? Did Phish break up?

Jarret: Dude, you’ve asked me that question every day for the past month. I told you they’re just not gonna tour for a while.

Gobi: Oh, man, I can’t believe it. Hey man, check out my new t-shirt! Funkin Gonuts! [laughs] You get it?

Jarret: Yeah, I get it.

Gobi: Naw, I don’t think you get it. Funkin Go Nuts!

Jarret: Yeah, yeah, Dunkin Donuts, Funkin Gonuts, I get it.

Gobi: [amazed] Dunkin Donuts…[laughs] That works on two levels!

[Jarret brings out a bandana and a package of M&M’s]

Jarret: Anyway, Gobi’s here to teach us how to make a hacky sack out of a bandanna and some M&M’s. [pause] Dude, are you burnt right now?

Gobi: No…yes. [laughs and starts eating the M&M’s]

Jarret: You’re totally burnt! You haven’t left your room in a week! You’re not gonna show us how to make a hacky sack, huh?

Gobi: No! Dude, can I crash here?

Jarret: Yeah, go ahead, I don’t care.

Gobi: [sits down] Oh, man, I’mma lay down. …[singing] It’s time to go on with the show!

Jarret: Anyway, that was my roommate, Gobi. Now is the time for my favorite part of the show, it’s what I like to call ‘What Jarret’s Into This Week’ This week I’m all about the Midnight Tokers, they’re this Steve Miller cover band. Last week Gobi and I camped out for tickets. Check out these pictures, dudes. [types on keyboard]

[cut to a picture of Jarret and Gobi in the lineup playing bongo drums]

Jarret: We decided we were going to start a drum circle and drum all night.

[cut to a picture of them being sent out by security]

Jarret: This guy decided we weren’t. We agreed to disagree.

[cut to a picture of Jarret and Gobi with a dog]

Jarret: Oh, this is Gobi’s dog. He named it ‘The Bassist from Phish.’ We got it baked, it was hilarious!

[cut to a picture of the dog humping Jarret’s leg]

Jarret: Oh man, I don’t remember THAT happening!

[cut to Jarret’s room camera]

Jarret: Anyway, it was corduroy. My next guest was my RA last year. She’s my girl this year. She busted me for cooking Triscuit pizzas on my halogen lamp. She was kind of mad at first, but then we spent a romantic evening together, watching Deuce Bigalow and doing a shot of beer every minute for a hundred minutes. After that, we totally hooked up, and then we vomited, and then we hooked up again, and then we vomited. Please welcome my girl, Jenna.

[Jenna enters, Gobi begins to fall asleep]

Jenna: Wassup, Jar, sup, Gobi! [looks into the camera] Are you still doing this webcast thing?

Jarret: Yeah, get out of the camera!

Jenna: You mean people can see me now? Maybe I should show them my new piercing!

Jarret: [shocked] Oh My God! You shouldn’t show anyone that!

Jenna: [laughs] Nobody’s gonna see it! The only people that are gonna see this thing are you and Gobi!

Jarret: That’s not true. I’ve got fans all over the world, I’m international.

Jenna: You got, like, one email from some weird dude in Iceland.

Jarret: Yeah, shout out to Ya-org!

Jenna: You’re so lame, Jar.

Jarret: What’s your prob, Jen?

Jenna: You’re my prob, don’t be ridic!

Jarret: Whatevz!

Jenna: You never S any T with me anymore!

[pause]

Jarret: [confused] Un-abbreviate that.

Jenna: You never spend any time with me anymore?

Jarret: Oh, I’m so sorry, I apol.

[Daniel enters]

Daniel: Jarret, would you please keep it down? Some of us would like to graduate!

Jarret: Those of you that aren’t familiar with that…weird voice, it belongs to my roommate Daniel. He’s a floater, he’s always going to class and stuff. A couple days ago, while he was sleeping, Gobi shaved off his pubs and glued ’em to his face.

Jenna: [laughs]

Daniel: Another thing, I set my VCR to record Quantum Leap last night. Who touched it?

Jenna: Hey Danny, like, what happened to your beard?

Daniel: Shut up, freakshow! Narc!

[he exits]

Jenna: Hey Jar?

Jarret: Yeah?

Jenna: Remember when we went snowboarding last at Hillington?

Jarret: Yeah, it was rad! ‘Member I did that schweet rodeo flip that was inverted and everybody was all clapping and stuff?

Jenna: No, you were on the bunny slope and you were like, crying and everyone was helping you to the in-Firm-a-Ry!

Jarret: My snot froze in both my nostrils, what did you want me to do? I couldn’t breathe!

Jenna: Well, it was like, embarrassing and I don’t think we should like, hang out anymore.

Jarret: I’m not embarrassing all the time! I cooked you a gourmet dinner!

Jenna: Yeah, you made me like, ramen noodles on the Rad-i-a-Tor!

Jarret: What are you trying to say?

Jenna: I’m sayin’ we’re like, breakin’ up.

Jarret: That’s cool.

Jenna: And not like Ben and Gwyneth when we still have sex sometimes, this is for like, real!

Jarret: [outraged] Well, I can’t believe it, that sucks! We’re breakin’ up?

Gobi: [waking up] Dude? Phish broke up?

Jarret: Naw, dude, go back! [he exits] This is awful.

Jenna: Lates, Jar! [she exits]

Jarret: Can’t believe this is the fourth time a girl’s breaking up with me has been broadcast over the internet.

[Gobi appears with bongo drums]

Gobi: Hey, dude! Let’s do a drum circle!

[he begins to drum]

Jarret: Alright, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be my roommate Gobi, and Steve the janitor who kind of looks like Jerry Garcia a little bit. This is Jarret logging off. Lates!

[Jarret begins to drum]

[blue bear background appears]

Thanks to Ann*e Husseyfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell
…..Jay-Z

[ open on Announcer interviewing people on the street ]

Announcer: Say, you gonna get that new Jay-Z album?

Old Man: [ put off ] Are you kidding?

Old Lady: That guy stinks!

Announcer: You gonna buy any Jay-Z for your friends?

Second Old Lady: Hell, no! I hate that music!

Announcer: Can I interest you in a rap album by Jay-Z?

Second Old Man: I hardly think so!

Announcer: What if he raps with Robert Goulet?

Second Old Man: Robert Goulet?! Oh, why didn’t you say so!

[ cut to goulet sitting in his vehicle in the woods ]

Robert Goulet: Hello, I’m Robert Goulet! “Dadoo da dee da!” Do you like good music – I do. Iknow I’mnot afraid to admit it. That’s what makes me sort of a rebel in this biz. Sort of like my very good hombre, Jay-Z, here, and his couderie of ne’er-do-wells. Mmm-hmm. He’s not afraid to slap around the suits if the checks don’t roll in. Just like I’ve never held back my fists in a roomful of industry dagos.

That’s why we burned it up on my second full-length rap-and-roll album. This one’s called “Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom” [ laughs ] I know – too inside. But I can’t resist. Me and the boys here do all of the Jay-Z hits. It’s a cocktail with a splash of Jay-Z and two fingers of Goulet. Here’s what I’m talking about:

Jay-Z: [ singing ]
“Gotta a lot of beef, so logically, stay on my toes
Gotta a lot of beef, so logically, I..”

I don’t know the words. You take it, amigo..

Robert Goulet: Alright.
[ singing ]
“It’s the hard knock life, for us
It’s the hard knock life, for us!!
Steada treated, we get tricked
Steada kisses, we get kicked
It’s the hard knock life.”

Cut the tracks! Stuff like that. You get the professional pipes of Goulet, and the laughs of the real hustler, Jay-Z. Okay, I know what you’re thinking – Goulet, what industry honcho did you piss off this time to get this gig? But that ain’t the deal-io. These dogs got chops! Bend an ear!

Jay-Z & Posse: [ singing ]
“Relax your mind, let your conscience be free
You’re now rollin with them thugs from the R-O-C
Sigel Sigel in the house

Still here, never left
Still bust, more or less, still puff – beeatch!”

Robert Goulet: [ singing ]
“Who the fluck want one, baby
Catch me in the South Beach, baby
Out of the reach of the police, gat on my lap
Bitch on my back, yak in my pocket, smokin’ that sticky chocolate..”

Yeah, it’s a whole album full of that junk! It’s “Murder in the Make Believe Ballroom”. The posse from the R.O.C., and me, Robert Goulet. There’s no law that says you gotta buy it – but, keep in mind, I’ve been known to participate in a few drive-bys. Oh, yeah – ask Merv Griffin.

Hey, we gotta hit the road and promote this doo-hickey, so I’ll see.. [ bighorn sheep enters ] Wait a darn minute! Is this serendipity, or what? Here comes my old friend, the bighorn sheep! Maybe he needs a little pull on the funny stuff there. Jay-Z? Huh? He’s got big lungs.

[ Jay-Z and his posse hold marijuana joints to the shee’s mouth, cracking up all the while ]

Hey, look – hey, fellas, you curled his horns! Anyway, check out the jams, it’ll blow your mind. Or my name ain’t.. Robert Gou-le-e-e-e-et!”

SNL Transcripts

Happy Holidays from Weekend Update

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open at Rockefeller Center skating rink ]

[ focus on Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey ]

Jimmy Fallon: Season’s greetings from all of us here at Weekend Update.

Tina Fey: To all of you at home, have a merry Christmas..

[ Total Stranger walks on ]

Total Stranger: A happy holiday and a healthy new year.

Jimmy Fallon: Who the [ bleeped out ] are you? [ pushes Total Strangeroffstage, turns to the camera and smiles nonchalantly, as Tina Fey looks on,shocked ]

[ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
James Madison…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

In his victory speech Wednesday night, George W. Bush acknowledged the need for national healing, saying, “I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve one nation. Unless you look at the popular vote, in which case I wasn’t elected at all.”

Hillary Clinton will receive eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her memoirs. Mrs. Clinton has said she’ll use the money from the book to “pay off all the legal bills incurred by my husband’s five hummers.” The book is tentatively titled “Why I Throw Things.”

Tina Fey: Now that the dust has settled from this year’s election, we all wonder what the Founding Fathers would have thought of all this confusion. Here with the answer, straight from the 18th century, is Founding Father James Madison.

James Madison: Thank you. Thank you, good woman, kindly sir. The concept of the electoral college.. [ stares at the spotlights ] Dear God, what is that? The sun has come indoors! This must be the end of the world!

Jimmy Fallon: That’s just the lights, we have electricity now.

James Madison: Devil within me! My chair is spinning if I drunk much ale at the local tavern!

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s just a chair.

James Madison: I must say, it’s great fun indeed! This indoor sun and magic chair bring a readiness to my cheek, and my thoughts turn to young lasses. Ms. Tina Fey, you’re a handsome woman..

Tina Fey: You’re here to talk about the election.

James Madison: You’re a handsome woman, indeed!

Tina Fey: Surely, as one of the founding fathers, you’d..

James Madison: [ interrrupting ] I’d like to take you over my knee and have my way with you!

Tina Fey: What are you talking about? You’re very tiny and effeminite!

James Madison: We had bad nutrition.

Tina Fey: All I know is that when I vote I want my vote to count!

[ James Madison stares at a ballpoint pen in awe, while clicking it back and forth ]

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison?

James Madison: Marvelous!

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s time for you to go.

James Madison: Does anyone know where I can find lodging and a whore?

Jimmy Fallon: 43rd and 10th.

Tina Fey: James Madison, everybody.

Thursday, the Secret Service delivered President Bush’s brand-new armed limosine that will shuttle him around during his term in office. Also on Thursday, Al Gore received a copy of the home game and a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni. Rice-A-Roni the San Francisco treat.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg signed her dissenting opinion “I dissent”, as opposed to the usual “I respectfully dissent”, causing many to speculate that she was intensely opposed to the majority opinion. Further speculation came when Ginsberg didn’t sign her name the way she usually does, with little hearts and smiley faces.

Tina Fey: This is the last Weekend Update of 2000. We’d like you to join us in bringing in the new year.

[ Chris Kattan comes out dressed as the New Year Baby ]

Tina Fey: Hey, New Year baby. Come up here, baby. Out goes 2000.

[ Jimmy and Tina change his diaper ]

Tina Fey: It’s 2001. Yea! Yea! Baby New Year!

Jimmy Fallon: Great.

A hearing was held in Illinois Monday to determine the fate of a six-year-old boy who was removed from his mother’s custody because she was still breastfeeding him. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed a line of boys in the school offering to trade lunches with him.

Fox has cancelled the John Goodman show “Normal Ohio” in which Goodman plays a gay man. This means the only gay shows on TV are still Will and Grace and the WNBA.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight..

Jimmy Fallon: [ appears with a guitar ] No, no, no, no. There’s more time. We have more time.

Tina Fey: What are you talking about?

Jimmy Fallon: It’s Christmastime, everybody.

Tina Fey: Ah, oh. Well, in the spirit of Christmas, here’s our old friend Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for letting me do this, Tina. It’s Christmastime everybody. It’s the best time of year. It’s also the time of year when you get really bad presents.

[ parodies Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” ]

“Well I opened my gift today, to see which ones I can exchange,
So I call K-Mart and begin to say, ‘Tell the store I’m on my way.’
Are you still open? It’s just past midnight,
Wanted a TV dish, Not a singing fish,
Please be open.”

[ parodies David Grey’s “Babylon” ]

“Friday night the office threw a Christmas party, they invited me,
I started eating rum balls, it was the only food I had that night to eat,
Chugged egg nog, Xeroxed my ass, peed on the couch,
Kissed the boss’s wife, threw up on myself, and got thrown out.
Party on
Got my Christmas party on.”

[ jumps over the Update desk and peers into the cameras like Bono did on last week’s show ]

[ parodies U2’s “Beautiful Day” ]

“I put cookies out, hung stockings by the tree,
Left the front door open, cause I don’t have a chimney,
I can’t get to sleep,
Drank hot milk, need something stronger, to calm me down,
I can’t wait much longer,
Christmas day
In my anticipation,
Christmas day,
I hope I get Playstation,
Give me Pokemon and other things,
Flood me with compact discs and diamond rings,
Christmas day,
Santa’s on his way,
Christmas day,
Here’s what I say,
Christmas day,
And I love Tina Fey!
Christmas day,
Toys are on it’s way!”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. That’s Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts