1994 Archives - Page 4 of 17 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Day Camp

Day Camp

Male Counselor #1…..Damon Wayans
Female Counselor…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Counselor #2…..Tim Meadows
Busdriver #1…..Adam Sandler
Busdriver #2…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior, African-American day camp, the kids crowd around outside while waiting for their buses to arrive ]

Male Counselor #1: Alright, alright, I want everybody lined up!

Female Counselor: Alright. [ rading from list on clipboard ] Akila, Charneal.. come on! We gotta line up, otherwise we’re not gonna play!

Male Counselor #1: That goes for you, too, Briquette! I want you over there by Pneumonia! Alright, we’re gonna play Red Rover. Everybody want to play Red Rover?

[ the kids yell with excitement, all except for one ]

Male Counselor #1: What’s wrong with you, Lexicon? You too cool to play Red Rover? Maybe you and Monoxodil want to sit on the bench all night! Alright. Let’s pick sides. Latrine, Melanoma.. you two are captains!

Female Counselor: Nah-ah-ah! Melanoma was Captain yesterday!

[ two girls begin to scuffle; Male Counselor #2 breaks them up ]

Male Counselor #1: Hey, hey! What’s that all about?!

Male Counselor #2: I’m sorry.. it’s Noxzema, sir. She and Algebra have been ganging up on Purina and Chlymydia all day.

Male Counselor #1: Fine! Then you’re all four on the same team! Okay.. I want Chinchilla, Hyperbole, Frigidaire and Bulimia – over here, right now!

Female Counselor: Let’s go! Let’s go, on that side! Alright, on this side.. let’s have Quesadilla, Binaca, Silhouette and Agoraphobia! Let’s go!

Male Counselor #1: Okay, over here.. I want Testicle, I want Uretha, and Uvula – over here, right now!

Female Counselor: Uhh.. I think you might want to keep them seperated. Uvula, uh.. over here with Lubriderm, Spatula, Conundrum and Mylanta!

Male Counselor #1: Okay. Now, everybody remembers how to play Red Rover? What you want to do is say, “Red Rover! Red Rover! Send Spinal Bifida ’round over!” And then, Spinal Bifida, you break the human chain.

Male Counselor #2: Okay, I’m sorry.. uh.. anyone taking the bus back to Oceanside, it’s here. So, I’m gonna need Crackatola, Robitussin, Hologram, Nutrasweet, Gynalotrimen, Trifecta and Quinella. Let’s go!

Male Counselor #1: It’s alright, it’s alright.. we can still play! We got Cornea, we got Listerine, and we got Harpischord Duracell!

Busdriver #1: [ enters scene ] Alright, kids, uh.. bus to Greenport! I need, uh.. Fellatio, uh.. Exomon Red Tattooie.. and Abracadabra – let’s go!

Female Counselor: Outta here!

Busdriver #2: [ enters scene ] Sorry, kids! Bus to Hampstat’s here! Let’s have.. Genitalia, Rubik’s Cube, K-Tel, Placebo and Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon!

Male Counselor #1: Alright, then, we gonna have to forget the Red Rover game, but I got another one. We gonna play The Name Game! We’ll start with Onomatopoeia. [ singing ] “Onomato bo-poeia, Banana-fama fo-poeia, Fee-fi mo-poeia..”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
You know what’s probably a good thing to have on your porch
in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests?
Just a big bag full of blood.

SNL Transcripts

Men On Film

Men On Film

Roger Ebert…..Chris Farley
Blaine Edwards…..Damon Wayans
Anton Merryweather…..David Alan Grier

[Men on Film is on, with Roger Ebert and a second man with a half-open black leather vest and a mini police cap with tiny handcuffs attached to it.]

Roger Ebert: I’m Roger Ebert.

Blaine Edwards: [gay voice] Hello, and I’m Blaine Edwards. And welcome to a very special Men on Film. Anton Merryweather is off in Greece romping around with some trashy Marcellus he met. So I’d like to thank Mister Roger Ebert for sitting in. Tonight’s program is brought to you by Blow Pop™, the yummy little candy treat. I bet you just can’t have one. [Unwraps a Blow Pop and begins licking and sucking on it, then hands Roger Ebert one.]

Roger Ebert: Tonight we’re going to be reviewing the blockbuster movies of last year. First off is Pulp Fiction, a gritty dark film noir, starring Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta as hit men who discover that there is more to life than taking someone else’s. Blaine, I thought that Quentin Tarantino really took some chances here. [As he talks, Blaine stares at his chest.]

Blaine Edwards: Oh, I disagree, Rog. You see, this movie did nothing for me. I heard all this Oscar talk about Samuel Jackson and Miss John Travolta, but to me the real story’s about them two sweet little hillbillies that made passionate love to that big black man. See, this is something I could relate to. And who was that gimp on the chain? Honey, that’s a star waiting to happen.

Roger Ebert: Next up we’ll discuss True Lies, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis. In this film, Schwarzenegger plays a spy who’s afraid to tell his wife about the double life he’s leading.

Blaine Edwards: Yes, I just love the sexual chemistry between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold. I mean, please. True Lies? You can’t fool us, Arnold! We knew all along!

Roger Ebert: Next up we’ll discuss Little Women. I liked this remake of Louisa May Alcott’s famous novel.

Blaine Edwards: Phuff! Hated it! There wasn’t one likeable character in this thing!

Roger Ebert: Then there was, of course, When A Man Loves A Woman.

Blaine Edwards: Hated it! I just couldn’t get past the title.

Roger Ebert: Wow, we can’t seem to agree on anything!

Blaine Edwards: Well, that’s not true, Rog. We both agree you need to lose a little weight.

[Roger Ebert stares at himself sadly, sighing.]

Blaine Edwards: Don’t get mad. There’s nothing being wrong with being a little chubby, or having one!

Roger Ebert: Really?

Blaine Edwards: Yes, I think you’re very attractive. I’d let you do me.

Roger Ebert: You would? You do?

Blaine Edwards: And you’re a much better host than that sleazy little slut Merryweather.

Roger Ebert: Thank you. Next up, Interview With the Vampire, starring Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Christian Slater. Talk about a dream team. They’re the hottest young actors working in film today. My body quivered when I saw all three of them on screen at one time. Did I say that? What the hell was that thing? I’m Roger Ebert!

Blaine Edwards: It’s okay, it’s okay, just let it go! Just go with it!

Roger Ebert: I’m scared! This is so new!

Blaine Edwards: It’s okay, we’re all scared at first. You just take a deep breath and then you just go.

[Roger Ebert licks his fingers and starts rubbing the spots where his nipples should be.]

Blaine Edwards: Mmm hmm! There it is! Whoops, there it is! Whoops, there it is!

Roger Ebert: [gay voice] Next up, Boys on the Side, starring Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Barrymore, and Mary Louis Parker.

Together: Hated it!

Blaine Edwards: I thought this was gonna be a movie about Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp, timesharing on Fire Island.

[Roger Ebert starts sucking on a Blow Pop, rubbing it all over his face.]

Roger Ebert: Me too. What a letdown! Last, there’s Major Pain, the story of a tough major who is put in charge of a group of bad little boys and whips them into submission.

Blaine Edwards: Ooh, I loved it when he shaved their heads bald and then had them running around in a dress! See, that reminds me of my youth. This is what Boys on the Side should have been.

Roger Ebert: Amen! The title alone gets two snaps and a salute! And how about that Damon Wayans? He made me stand in attention! I’d like him for a drill instructor!

Blaine Edwards: You better be careful what you ask for!

[Anton Merryweather enters, wearing a blue and white striped half shirt with the Greek flag on it, a sailor’s hat, and one of those large blue sailor-type bags.

Anton Merryweather: Excuse me! Well, well, well, what have we here?

Blaine Edwards: Heavens to Murgatroid, he’s back!

Anton Merryweather: [to Roger Ebert] Homewrecker! [to Blaine] I guess when the cat’s away, the gerbil will play!

[they slap each other]

Anton Merryweather: It’s . . . no place like home!

Blaine Edwards: Run, Roger! Run like the wind! I’ve seen him like this before! Just run, go! Go save yourself!

Announcer V/O: This has been Men on Film.

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

Goodnights

…..Damon Wayans

Damon Wayans: Hey. I want to thank Lorne, and the cast and the crew for making.. [ stumbling ] ..my job.. top.. uh.. for making one of my childhood dreams come true. I want to thank Dionne Farris, David Alan Grier, Circe De Soleil – y’all come back. Love and peace.

SNL Transcripts

A Statement From Judge Ito

A Statement From Judge Ito

Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: And now, a statement from California Judge Lance Ito.

Judge Lance Ito: Hello. This week, New York Sen. Alfonse D’Amato accused me – Judge Ito – of prolonging the Simpson trial, while mocking me in a stereotypical Japanese accent. Now, I don’t want to take too much of your time here, I just simply want set the record straight on a couple of counts.

Firstly, I am not prolonging the Simpson trial.

Secondly, I do not speak with a Japanses accent. I think Sen. D’Amato should remember that, as the child of immigrants, both he and I have a special responsibility to combat prejudice. I mean, I could sit here and make fun of Italians. That would be easy – after all, I’m a judge, and I see a lot of them coming through my courtroom! But I’m not gonna do that! However, I would like to do an impression I’ve been trying out during the sidebars – it’s Sen. D’Amato’s sister making love to a mule. Okay. Here goes.. [ slicks his hair back with his hands ]

[ in thick Itlaian accent ] “Ohh.. dat’s-a feel-a good! Ohh.. dat’s-a good-a, boss-a! Oh, wait-a! Stop-a! Mamma mia, I burn-a da spaghetti!” [ laughs maniacally ]

Okay, Senator, now we’re even. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Damon Wayans’ Monologue

Damon Wayans’ Monologue

…..Damon Wayans

Damon Wayans: Yeah! What’s up! Yeah! It’s good to be here. It’s nice to come out, you know, and have a chance to host a show – that’s great, you know? ‘Cause, usually, brothers don’t get a chance to host nothin’! Not even, like, the news, right?

Any time you see a brother on the news, it’s usually a reporter, and he’s got, like, the worst assignment, right? It’s always like when they had the riots out in L.A., you had the brother, like, “This is Leon Jackson, man! I’m standing on Normandy and Flor-” [ imitates gunfire ] Man, they shootin’ out here, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ swats off attackers ] “Get off me, man! They goin’ crazy, man! Get! Come back with the camera!” Right? And then, the white dude is always in the tudio tryin’ to look concerned. Right? He’s like, “Wow, that really looks bad out there, Leon! We’ll be cutting back to you, you keep us abreast of this story. [ turns to co-anchor ] Really looks bad, huh, Jane?”

They have the floods, right? The mudslides.. brother’s like.. [ sliding legs across the floor ] ..”This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in twelve feet of mud! It’s pretty bad out here, man!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] “Leon. Do you think you can get the camera under the mud, maybe talk to some people there? See how they feel, right? This just in: tornadoes are sweeping the southland! Here with a special live report is our own Leon Jackson!” [ doing Leon’s voice, while laying across table like he’s being blown in the air ] “This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in 30 miles-per-hour wind, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] Leon. Do you thihk you can get into the eye of the tornado?” [ laughs ]

See, brothers just take it with stride, man? You know, because we used to that, you know? We used to getting the bad job, you know? It’s alright. It’s like.. I guarantee you the original crash test dummy was a brother! It’s like, “Alright, Bubba, listen what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna strap you in this apparatus, and then just keep driving you against the wall, and you tell us how you feel afterwards.” “Alright. Cool! Anything’s better than serving time!” “Alright, Chuck – take it up to 25! [ imitates car crashing against wall ] Bubba, how you feel?!” “No, man.. my neck hurt! Man, what’s that all about?!” “Alright, 25 gives you whiplash! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 50!” [ imitates car crashing harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! How you feel?” “Yo, man.. I feel like busting your ass, man! I can’t feel nothin’ in my left leg, man! What’s up with this?!” “Don’t worry, there’s a nice, healthy check for you at the end! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 100!” [ imitates car crashing even harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! [ no answer ] Bubba? [ no answer ] Damn you, Bubba, speak to me! [ a beat ] Alright.. 100 kills ya’! Alright, Chuck – get Bubba out of here and bring in the next one, we’ll test the air bag!”

See, y’all know it’s true. Because, see, white people – y’all just got too much information. You know? They got – y’all know exactly how much electricity it take to kill you! How y’all know that? Some brother! It’s like, “Alright, Cleavus, this is what we’re gonna do. We want you to grab a hold of this fence, and then piss on that third rail! YHou let us know how you feel afterward!” [ laughs ] I gurantee you there’s still some brothers lost in space.. from, like, the pre-Apollo. You know, it’s like.. “You think NASA’s ever gonna come get us?!” “I’s hope so! We runnin’ out the Tang!” “This is Rufus to NASA.. Rufus to NASA!” “Will these niggars leave us alon? Change the name to NASA!” [ laughs ]

Listen, we have a great show tonight – we have Miss Dionne Farris with us, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Court TV

Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
James Williams…..Adam Sandler
Anton Jackson…..Damon Wayans
Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows

Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the OJ Simpson trial. Today the defense cross-examines skycap James Williams, who claims to have seen Simpson’s missing mystery bag on top of a trash can at the Los Angeles airport. Let’s take a look.

Robert Shapiro: Now Mr. Williams, you never actually saw Mr. Simpson place his bag on top of this garbage can.

James Williams: No.

Robert Shapiro: Then you don’t really know it was Mr. Simpson’s bag you saw on this can! [bangs emphatically on the trash can, causing a person to burst out of the lid]

Anton Jackson: Who is it? Who’s knocking on my door? Hey, this ain’t the airport! What’s happening, Jimmy? How you doing, baby?

Judge Lance Ito: Do you know this man? [waves away the smell]

James Williams: His name’s Anton Jackson. He lives in that airport trash can.

Marcia Clark: The prosecution would like to call Mr. Jackson to the witness stand.

Robert Shapiro: Objection!

Marcia Clark: Your Honor, he may be able to tell us what happened to Mr. Simpson’s bag, and its contents.

Judge Lance Ito: I’ll right, I’m going to allow Mr. Jackson to [coughs] testify. Bailiff?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Anton Jackson: I don’t! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Could you state your name for the court, please?

Anton Jackson: My name is Anton Frederique Jackson. [slobbers all over her hand]

Marcia Clark: Ugh!

Anton Jackson: It’s French, as you could see.

Marcia Clark: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Jackson?

Anton Jackson: Well, I’m an ex – entertainer, excuse me, extraordinaire.

Marcia Clark: And what is your place of residence?

Anton Jackson: Well, I have several. I got a box uptown, I got a box downtown, but for tax purposes I reside at the LA Airport.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, did you see the defendant in the airport on June 12th?

Anton Jackson: The who?

Marcia Clark: That man over there, Mr. OJ Simpson.

Anton Jackson: Hey, OJ Simpson! Man, I ain’t recognize you without the ski mask! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson –

Anton Jackson: No, I’m just kidding. See, we got something in common, man. I used to date Denise Brown, but I let her go, ’cause she drank more than I did! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, Please. Are you wearing the clothes the defendant dumped in your garbage can?

Anton Jackson: You know something, you’re a very sexy young lady. You got any black in you?

Marcia Clark: No.

Anton Jackson: Do you want some? Hah!

[The court goes nuts, causing Judge Ito to bang on the desk with his gavel.]

Anton Jackson: Erection, your honor, erection!

Judge Lance Ito: [trying to wave him away] No, no. First of all, Mr. Jackson, you mean objection.

Anton Jackson: No, I was looking at her ass! It’s an erection, all right!

Judge Lance Ito: Please, sit down, sit down.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, what are those stains on your clothing?

Anton Jackson: Oh, these? Well, last night I went to see a 25 cent movie . . .

[Everyone starts groaning, disgusted.]

Anton Jackson: No, it was a good one!

Marcia Clark: The bloodstains, Mr. Jackson.

Anton Jackson: Oh, the bloodstains. You ever get one of those boogers that be way up back here, and you’re trying to reach it, and it make your nose bleed? See, I got one right now. I’d like to submit Exhibit B, Your Honor.

[Anton wipes his finger all over the desk. Judge Ito smacks the spot with his gavel.]

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson? Never mind. Never mind, Mr. Jackson. Please, just tell the court what’s inside your jacket.

Anton Jackson: Oh, well this is sort of an invention of mine. [He takes out a jar of yellow liquid.] It’s my Portable Portopotty.

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Jackson, put that away. Put that away. Miss Clark?

Marcia Clark: No further questions, your honor.

Judge Lance Ito: Your witness, Mr. Cochran.

Johnny Cochran: Mr. Jackson, sir.

Anton Jackson: What’s up, smooth brother Johnny Coch?

Johnny Cochran: Anton, I’ll be straightforward. Are you an alcoholic?

Anton Jackson: Am I an alcoholic? Well, I’ll be straightforward. [Takes out a bottle.] Every now and again I like to have a little sip. Like now [drinks some wine], and again [drinks]. Hah!

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, this witness is useless. I move he be dismissed and his testimony be stricken from the record.

Judge Lance Ito: Agreed. Mr. Jackson, please, step down. Step down.

Anton Jackson: Not until America sees my act! What I’m going to do right now is juggle not one, not two, but three latrines!

Everybody: No! No! No!

Anton Jackson: No, you’re going to like this! I very rarely miss! Okay, I present the amazing Anton!

[As he clumsily juggles the glasses, one drops and smashes.]

Anton Jackson: My bad, my bad. Hey look, let me try that again. Give me five minutes, I’ll fill this up and I’ll be back . . .

Terry Moran: It was an eventful day in the Simpson case. Court was dismissed until 10:00 tomorrow, when the prosecution’s star DNA witness will take the stand, beloved children’s entertainer Homey the Clown. See you then.

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Damon Wayans: 04/08/95: Christopher Walken for Skittles

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 20: Episode 17

94q: Damon Wayans / Dionne Farris

Christopher Walken for Skittles

Christopher Walken…..Jay Mohr
Announcer…..Michael McKean

[ TITLE CARD: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN FOR SKITTLES ]

Announcer: Christopher Walken for Skittles.

[ In a gray double-breasted suit on black tee stands Christopher Walken. ]

Christopher Walken: I’d like to talk to you for a moment… about… Skittles!

[ Walken holds up a bag of Skittles. ]

Christopher Walken: Skittles come in so many great flavors! Lemon…orange… Skittles are inexpensive… they’re good for you! Cherry… somany terrific flavors… all here… in Skittles… for you’reenjoyment… lime… but you can’t have them… unless you buy… look…

[ Walken pauses for several beats out of anxiety. ]

Christopher Walken: Skittles… have many great flavors and colors… doit! No one will know… No one… grape…

[ Walken pulls out a bag of Tropical Skittles from his suit jacket. ]

Christopher Walken: Try new tropical, fruit-flavored…Skittles…watermelon… pineapple…

[ Walken pauses for several beats and looks off-camera. ]

Christopher Walken: I’m done!

[ SKITTLES TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: This has been Christopher Walken for Skittles.

Christopher Walken (V/O): Passion fruit…

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is.. the.. news.

This week, in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the neo-government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mr. Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.

In medical news this week, scientists report there may soon be a vaccine for drug addicts. Which completely eliminates the craving for cocaine. They caution, however, that the vaccine is extremely dangerous, highly addictive, and costs $10,000 a gram.

This is the only known photograph of terrorist Tahia Ayosh, Palestine’s top bomb maker. To reassure you that there’s little cause for alarm, however.. you should know that this picture was taken by Palestine’s top photographer.

This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, “There it is! I’ve been looking all over for that thing!”

Norm MacDonald: The #2 movie this week, “Outbreak”, continues to make news. It’s the story of a virus that gets out of control, causing death and widespread panic. It’s based on the true story of the Ebola Virus. Because most viewers don’t exactly understand what the Ebola Virus is, we’ve asked comedian Jeff Foxworthy, author of “You May Be A Redneck”, to help explain it. Jeff?

Jeff Foxworthy: Thank yew, Norm! Thank yew! Okay! If yer a small bacterial virus that travels through the air or blood, and kills 9 out of 10 people infected within 24 hours of contact – then yew may be.. the Ebola Virus.

If, on yer W2 tax form, yew list as yer primary residence, the bloodstream of an African Zuzu monkey – by that fact alone, yew could be IDed as the Ebola Virus.

If the only time people can relax around yew, is when they’re wearing a Biosafety Level 4 Hazardous Ebola Virus-proof spacesuit – then yew’ve nominated yerself as a potential candidate to be elected the Ebola Virus.

If yer a Playboy centerfold and list as yer turn-ons: making people vomit uncontrollably and bleed out of their eyes and anus – then all arrows point to yew.. being the E.

If yew walk into a room, and everyone sez, “Oh, no! It’s the Ebola Virus!” Then, perchance, there’s a blah blah!

If yer driver’s license photo looks like this.. [ holds up cartoon drawing of the Ebola Virus ] ..there’s a bleep-blop E Virus.

If yew find yerself feelin’ jealous because the AIDS Virus gets more press than yew – then, maybe the Ebola Virus.

If people see yew and run!

Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Okay! I think we get the point there, Jeff, thanks! Thanks for clearing that up. Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen!

Jeff Foxworthy: [ screaming to be heard ] I’m not through! If yew constantly.. [ babbles incoherently ]

Norm MacDonaldWe-ell..

On a talk show recently, Joey Buttafuaco said of Amy Fisher: “I hope she gets hers, and dies in prison like Jeffrey Dahmer. And when she does, I will go out and eat cake!” Moments later, however, he admiited: “Look, I’ll be honest with you.. even if nothing bad happens to Amy Fisher, I’ll..probably go out and.. eat cake..”

Last week, Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson visited the Big Apple and showed off her 14-pound weight loss. Hopefully, this will not interfere with her official duties of sitting on her fat ass all day long

Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.

Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive; while their worst, for the third year in a row: Crack Whore.

Norm MacDonald: Alright. The boxing world is still buzzing after the release of Mike Tyson from an Indiana prison, after serving a three-year term. Here with a message for Mike, is Weekend Update correspondent – and my hero – Adam Sandler!

Adam Sandler: Thank you! Thanks! Alright! Uh.. Mr. Tyson, three years is a long time to be away from everything, so, being one of your biggest fans, I figured I’d help you out and fill you in on what’s been going on in the world the past three years.

Let’s start at 1993, November 5th: Some guy from the bank called me about about paying back my studeny loan. I told him I don’t have the money yet, and he starts saying how he’s gonna repossess my car and cancel all my credit cards. Then he says, “Are you a boxing fan?” And I say, “Ye-eah.. what does that have to do with anything?” And he says, “Because, I have some things to say about that guy Mike Tyson. Tyson’s the worst boxer I’ve ever seen. Mohammed Ali could kick his ass! Ali’s daughter could kick his ass! And, if Tyson ever got out of prison, I would kick his ass!” Now.. the car and the credit card thing, I understand; he’s doing his job. But.. the stuff about you, that was just uncalled for! Anyway, if you wanna go ask him about it, he works at.. [ SUPER appears on screen ] ..First National Bank.. 325 2nd Ave., between 55th and 56th. His name is Sidney Crenshaw; do what you gotta do!

February 5th, 1994: My girlfriend breaks up with me, and starts going out with a guy named Peter Evans. I ran into Peter at a coffee shop, and I said, “I hope you and my girlfriend are happy.” Then he said, “Mike Tyson sucks!” I was, like, “What does that have to do with anything?!” [ laughing ] Then.. he starts doing an impression of you; he was, like: [ imitating Peter Evans’ impression of Mike Tyson ] “I’m Mike Tyson! I talk like a five-year-old girl! I could never beat up Peter Evans, ’cause I’m a little pansy!” Then he said some other stuff, about you saving up for a sex-change operation, or something; I don’t remember all the details, but Peter Evans might. [ SUPER appears on screen ] He lives at 1197 Horatio St., Apt 4-P, as in “Punch in the face”

June 16th, 1994: A homeless man on the street asks me for some change. I give him $150. That has nothing to do with you, Mike, but I just thought America should know Adam Sandler is a DAMN good guy!

March 6th, 1995: A bug fat guy sitting behind me at the movies won’t stop yapping-

Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Hey, hey, hey, Adam! We really don’t have time for all this.. sorry.. we gotta get moving on!

Adam Sandler: Oh, alright.. sorry, Norm.. you are right. Hey, uh, by the way, uh.. Mr. Tyson! This is Norm MacDonald. He’s our new Update guy, you’ll love him; he’s been telling the funniest jokes about you giving it up in prison!

Norm MacDonald: [ nervous ] Mr. Tyson, I’m, uh.. I’m not Norm MacDonald.. I don’t even know who Norm MacDonald is.. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me!

SNL Transcripts