Category: 1995

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Miracles of Genetics

Doctor…..Gabriel Byrne
Husband…..Mark McKinney
Wife…..Nancy Walls
Clone Sammy…..Darrell Hammond
Clone Darlene…..Molly Shannon

[ open on married couple sitting at Doctor’s desk, as he enters behind them ]

Doctor: Ah! I, uh.. have the results of your amniocentesis here. Your blood count is perfect. Everything looks fine.

Wife: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

Husband: Oh, thank God, Doctor! What a relief!

Doctor: So. Have you picked out a name?

Husband: Yeah. We like Sammy if it’s a boy, and Samantha if it’s a girl.

Wife: Kyle really wants a boy, though.

Husband: Oh, hey, come on! I never said that, I never said that! I mean, really, as long as it’s healthy.

Wife: As long as it has a penis.

Doctor: Well.. would you like to know what it is?

Husband: You mean, now?

Doctor: Yes. It’s up to you, of course.

Wife: I don’t know. What do you think?

Husband: What do you think?

Together: Sure!

Doctor: You have.. a boy.

Husband: [ jumps up ] Yes! Yes! A son! A so-o-o-o-o-onnnn!”

Wife: Just as long as it’s healthy, right? [ gets up ] So, everything’s okay?

Doctor: 100%. You have a normal, healthy, bisexual son. Now, we’ll see you again in four weeks. You can arrange it with Susan out front. Thank you.

[ the couple turn to leave, but the husband stops in his tracks ]

Husband: Wait.. I’m sorry, wait.. Doctor, you said normal?

Doctor: That’s right.

Husband: You said healthy.

Doctor: Yes.

Husband: You said, uh.. bisexual?

Doctor: That’s right. Oh, by the way – we validate now. Susan will stamp your ticket.

Wife: Uh.. how do you know..? You know, about the bisexual part..? [ sits back down ]

Doctor: Well, from the fetus’ genetic code. It’s all right here, if you know how to read it, of course. Your child – little Sammy – well, he’ll be straight until he’s in his mid-20’s.. then he’ll do some experimenting – it’ll last for two years, just a phase, nothing to worry about..

Wife: You can tell that? That’s incredible.

Doctor: Ma’am, we’re doing things with genetics now that seemedimpossible just 20 minutes ago. We can tell everything about ababy – his health, his gender, what he’ll look like..

Husband: Wait.. you can tell what he’ll look like?

Doctor: Oh, sure. Would you like to know? Well, of course, it’s up to you.

Wife: I don’t know..

Husband: You want to know what he looks like?

Together: Sure!

Doctor: Well, let’s see.. he’s bisexual, did I mention that?

Husband: Uh.. yes.

Doctor: Well, let’s see.. [ checks notes ] His appearance.. he’s5’10”, sandy hair.. he’ll be bald by the time he’s 29.. and dead of a brain hemorrhage before his 62nd birthday.

Husband: Wait, hang on.. he’ll be bald by the time he’s 29.

Wife: So he won’t be in show business.

Doctor: Well, that’s true. He won’t be in show business. Would you like to know what he will be?

Husband: [ stunned ] You can tell us what he’ll do, what he’s gonna be?

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. You see, we’re all predisposed genetically towards certain occupations. Would you like to know? Of course, it’s up to you!

Wife: I don’t know.. do you want to know?

Husband: Why not. Yes.

Wife: Sure.

Doctor: Well, let’s see now.. he’s bisexual, did I say that?

Together: Yes.

Doctor: He’ll be one of two things. Either he’ll be a cannibalistic serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer.. or he’ll be a high school guidance counselor.

Husband: Well, I see no reason why he can’t be both.

Wife: Yes. Is there anything else?

Doctor: Well, let’s see.. bisexual.. flat feet, tone-deaf. He’ll register as an Independent, but he’ll usually vote as a Republican.

Wife: This is so incredible! I’m only in my first trimester, and I feel like I’ve already met him!

Doctor: Would you like to?

Husband: What?

Doctor: Meet him. Your son. You see, we cloned a sample of hisDNA from your visit. It’s, of course, easier than doing an ultrasound. And some parents like to keep the clones, so they’ve got twins. He’s, uh.. he’s outside.

Husband: [ amazed ] He’s outside?!

Doctor: Well, of course, it’s up to you.

Wife: You want to meet him?

Husband: Why not?

Wife: Sure!

Doctor: [ into intercom ] Send in the Will boy!

Wife: I can’t believe it! Oh, I can’t wait to hold him!

[ an adult clone in a hospital gown enters ]

Doctor: Kyle? Lynn? This is your son. Well, as you see, we’ve accelerated his growth. We can’t have a bunch of babies crawling around the place, obviously.

Clone Sammy: Um.. um.. what do you want?

Doctor: Sammy, say hello to your parents.

Husband: Hi.

Wife: Hi.

Clone Sammy: Um.. Sammy? Is that my name? Sammy? Is that the best you could do? Pul-leaze!

Husband: Well.. we were thinking something like Jacob, you know?

Clone Sammy: Jacob? Hmm.. what are we, Jews?

Wife: Well, we’re Jewish..

Clone Sammy: Oh.. [ faces the door ] Hey, Darlene? You want to meet my parents?

[ Clone Darlene enters and kisses Clone Sammy ]

Doctor: Uh.. your son met another clone, and they’ve been dating.

Clone Darlene: So, these are your folks?

Clone Sammy: Yeah. They’re Jews.

Clone Darlene: Oh, no way! Our kid ain’t growing up without aChristmas tree – I’m serious!

Wife: Your kid?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention – Darlene is two monthspregnant. Congratulations, Grandma, Grandpa!

Husband: You mean, we’re gonna be grandparents now?

Doctor: Oh, yes. Would you like to know if it’s a boy or a girl? Of course, it’s up to you!

[ sketch fades, as the issue is contemplated ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Goodnights

…..Gabriel Byrne

Gabriel Byrne: My thanks — [ the audience is cheering much too loudly for him to speak] My thanks to Bill Bradley, Lamar Alexander, Alanis Morissette. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Cooking With Keith

Keith Richards…..Gabriel Byrne

[ MUSIC OVER: “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”, Rolling Stones ]

[ Keith Richards stumbles into the kitchen, where two busty wait to assist him ]

Keith Richards: Hello. Hello, everybody. It’s about 4am, and I’m ravenous! Welcome to “Cooking With Keith”. Right here on today’s show, we’re going to be making some.. I don’t know.. something hopefully delicious. I don’t know what is going on exactly.. [ blonde on Keith’s left hands him some sort of funky-looking casserole ] Let’s have a look, then.. [ grimaces ] That doesn’t look too tasty. [ tosses it aside ] So, here today, to help us make this delectable delight, are two very dear friends of mine.. Connie, and.. what’s your name again, dear, I’m blanking..

Keisha: Keisha!

Keith Richards: Right, Lisa, right.. They’re going to be my, sort of, well, you know, culniary apostles for the duration of the program. Right. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty, then. The main ingredients in this sad meat mound are: Bacon.. a lot; some creamy corn; and my favorite, some of those false onion rings – you know, Funyons! If you’ve eaten all your Funyons – I know they’re addictive – pork rinds are good, but Funyons are better. Seriously, never, never, ever get the munchos! [ SUPER: “No Munchos Ever!!” ] Now.. the chuck. Seven and a quarter pounds.. a big-roasted chuck in the pan. I took this out of the freezer box last Wednesday, so it’ssoftened up a bit, as you can see!

Girls: Eeuugghh!!!

Keith Richards: [ pats the chuck ] Now, you see, marinating is a must, because there’s nothing more rotten than chewie.. Girls, get the booze. [ the girls pour a glass of booze for Keither, then pour the rest into the chuck pan ] Cheers! [ drinks booze ] So, the chuck is soaking, right? We’re having fun now, aren’t we? [ the girls agree ] I haven’t had this much fun since earlier today, I think?

[ coughs uproariously, the girls have to slap his back repeatedly to fix him up ]

So.. while we’re marinating.. it’s time for “Keith’s Party Tips”. [ girls hold up ice trays ] Did you know that if you make your ice with booze, it won’t dilute your drink, ’cause it adds even more booze. I got that one.. I got that one from Phil Spector! What ever happened to that cat? Right.

The next move, then, is the flour. I’ve got a good way to do this – you might want to do this yourself.. [ takes out a blade and cuts the flour into lines on the countertop ] Right? You see, cooking is like music to me – suddnely it just comes to me, right? I’ve got very little to do with it, really.. I’m like a.. well, I’m like an antenna. Right. So.. you get your flour, and you dust your chuck with it, right? And then you make it all kind of juicy, right? Keep it juicy. Now, you’ve got to put in the stuff.. [ the girls load the pan with misceelanous items lying on the countertop ] You know, we were supposed to cook a spring chicken today.. but Bill Wyman took it on a date! [ laughs ] Right. Margarine.. oh, one of me rings has just fallen in.. [ grabs the butter ] Now.. you’ve got Mr. Butter.. [ holds the container to his face and opens the lid halfway ] “Hello. Parkay!” [ laughs ] Right! [ chunks the butter container into the pan – Keisha retrives it, opens the container and grabs handfuls of butter to put into the pan ] I know you’re thinking I’ve probably got the Old-Timer’s Disease, because I’ve forgotten the creamy corn! Mr. Creamy Corn, get over here! [ grabs the creamy corn and slops it into the pan ] You put it all in here like this, see..and it goes around in a moat, all around a creamy tower. Right? Time to cook the mother! [ suddenly stands catatonic – Keisha pounds his chest, bringing him back to life ] Oh! Thank you. [ picks up the pan and turns toward the microwave ] What we’re gonna do now is.. is.. we’re gonna put it in the microwave.. [ opens the microwave and pulls out a funky dish ] Kow! What’s this?! It’s last week’s Goat’s Head soup! [ pushes it aside, and puts his Funyons dish in instead ] Right. So, you put this in here, close the door, press the zapper. Right? So.. while we’re cooking our meat for a length of time.. [ microwave sparks and sets on fire ] ..anyway.. that’s it, really. Join me next week when we’ll be making Chicken Tartar – won’t we, darling? Right.

[ Keith and girls play air-guitar as the show closes ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 4


95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Patrick Connoly…..Will Ferrell
Father…..Gabriel Byrne
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to the interior, St.Monica’s auditorium, where students are auditioning for the school talent show. ]

Patrick Connolly: [ singing ]

“Sending out an S.O.S.!

Sending out an S.O.S.!

Sending out an S.O.S.!”

Father: Thank you for auditioning, Patrick.. thank you.

Patrick Connolly: Just one second.. [ singing ] “Sending outan S.O.S.!”

Father: That is very good, Patrick, really..

Patrick Connolly: The Police rule!

Father: Yes, I’m sure they do. [ nudges Patrick off the stage ]Okay, that was Patrick Connolly there.. with “Sending Out An S.O.S..”

Patrick Connolly: [ jumps back on stage ] “Message in aBottle!” [ jumps off again ]

Father: ..”Sending Out a.. Message in a Bottle”.. by the Policemen.. Okay, students, and members of the faculty.. our next auditoneer for St. Monica’s talent show is.. [ reading from clipboard ] ..Ma-ry Ka-therine..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ dashing in excitedly, and crashing over some folding chairs ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!! I slipped! Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Father: Mary Katherine Gallagher.. I think I have it now..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher – that’s me!

Father: Right. Uh.. everyone, can we have some attention, please, for Mary Katherine..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.

Father: Come over here. What’s the matter with you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m shy. [ folds her arms and sticks her fingers behind her shirt sleeves ]

Father: Do you want to audition?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yes, I do.. Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my arms, and then I smell my fingers – like that. [ sniffs her smelly fingers ] That’s gross! That’s gross!

Father: Well, that’s very interesting, Mary Katherine, yes.. Yes. Very interesting.. [ Mary clowns around ] Now.. your grandmother..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother.. um.. I’m gonna tell you about her. She’s my.. um.. legal guardian.. and she lives in a motorized wheelchair.. and she says a bear a very striking resemblence to a very young Elizabeth Taylor.

Father: That’s true, you do. A very striking resemblence. [ looks at his clipboard ] Now.. it says right that you have a mono..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Monologue.

Father: A monologue, yes.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to be doing a monologue today from my favorite made-for-TV movie, “The Betty Broderick Story”, starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Father: That’s very good, then, Mary Katherine. So, whenver you’re ready.. [ steps aside ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. Okay.. I’m sorry, I’m nervous..[ poises herself ] “I remember it was dawn, and the sun was just.. the sun was just barely rising. And I.. I took the gun out of a little wooden box in my room.. and I got outside, and I got into my car.. then I drove.. and I drove.. and I drove over to Dan Broderick and Linda’s house. And then I.. and then I.. broke into their front door and I.. slowly climbed up the stairs.. and to their bedroom, and I saw them sleeping there, and I just shot them both! I hate you, Dan! I hate you! I hate you!

Father: [ grabs Mary Katherine’s arm ] Very good, Mary Katherine.. Very good..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ breaks free and does her victorysplit ] Monologue!

Father: Good, good, girl. That was terrific. Now, you’re not still nervous, are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.

Father: That was very good, very good. Now, it says here that you’re going to do a song..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to do a song. I’m going to be doing one of my favorite songs..

Father: Well, why don’t you go ahead and do that song.. [ stepsaside ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stands beside the piano ] Do you know “You Ask Me If I Love You”? [ the nun behind the piano nods ] Okay! Okay..

[ singing ]
“You ask me..
You ask me if I love you..
and I choke on my reply.
I’d rather tell you honestly..
Than mislead you with a lie.

[ props her leg atop the piano, flashing her.. Father.. covers themwith his clipboard ]

“And sometimes when we touch..
the honesty’s too much.
I’ll have to close my eyes and hide..”

Father: Very good, Mary Katherine Gallagher. That was great. [ tries to move on ] Now, next..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I still have a few bars of that song, if you’d let me finish..?

Father: Sorry, you were just getting a bit carried away there.. Now, our next.. our next auditioneer..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Actually, Father, I also do gymnastics! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ crashes into a stack of folding chairs and collapses to the ground ]

Father: [ angry ] Stop it! Stop it! Control yourself, for God’s sake, woman! Control yourself!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ standing up ] I’m under control..

Father: I’m writing your name down here, look.. [ takes out hisclipboard ] Mary Katherine..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.

Gallagher. Right. You just got a little carried away there, didn’t you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Father: Okay.. good girl. You can go back to your class now, okay?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.. thanks, Father. [ steps away, then jumps back in for one last split ] Superstar! [ runs off, stumbling over the folding chairs once more ]

Father: Okay, everyone.. before we see Sean O’Reilly and his..[ checks clipboard ] ..step-dancing monkey.. I think we had better have a bit of a break. Don’t you, Sister? Yes.. dear God.. [ sits down on stool and covers his face with his hands ]

[ fade to black ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Alanis Morissette performs “All I Really Want”

…..Gabriel Byrne
…..Alanis Morissette

Gabriel Byrne: Once again – Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette: [ singing ]
“Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don’t want to dissect everything today
I don’t mean to pick you apart you see
But I can’t help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn’t there already
If only I could hunt the hunter.

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I’m so relentless and all strung out
I’m consumed by the chill of solitary
I’m like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I’m frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker.

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn’t give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn’t give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around…all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here, can you handle this?

[ waves her arm at the band; they stop their instruments for a single second ]

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you’re gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer.

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Riker’s Island

Warden…..Gabriel Byrne
Officer Mohr…..Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, Riker’s Island Prison ]

[ fade to interior, Warden’s Office ]

Warden: [ into his intercom ] Send in Officer Mohr! [ Officer Mohr enters ] Have a seat, we need to talk.

Officer Mohr: Yes, Sir. [ sits ]

Warden: As you know, after three months we assess your performance as a guard here at Riker’s Island.

Officer Mohr: Yes. I know.

Warden: I’ve decided to.. well, Son, this is never easy.. but you’re fired.

Officer Mohr: Why?

Warden: You’re, what.. 5’8″, 140 pounds? Do you realize that the average inmate here is 6″4″, 240 pounds?

Officer Mohr: Uh, yes, Sir. So?

Warden: Now, aside from the basic training you received at theCorrections Facility, what other combat or self-defense training have you had?

Officer Mohr: Uh.. my sister taught me how to fight.

Warden: That’s all? Nothing beside your sister? No karate, martial arts, boxing?

Officer Mohr: No. No.

Warden: Now, in the 90 days you’ve worked here, how many fights you been involved in?

Officer Mohr: 360, Sir.

Warden: And how many of those were with prisoners?

Officer Mohr: 270, Sir.

Warden: How many of those fights did you win or control?

Officer Mohr: None.

Warden: And in 90 or so other fights, those were with..

Officer Mohr: Other guards, visitors, and you.

Warden: So, I hope you understand why we have to let you go.

Officer Mohr: Well, I’ll work harder, Sir!

Warden: Look, Officer Mohr, let me make this clear, okay? Of the 270 fights with prisoners, you were raped how many times?

Officer Mohr: 274 times.

Warden: Right! That’s why I think it’s better if you find other work. It’s for your own safety, and you have no future in the Department of Corrections.

Officer Mohr: Well, may I say something in my defense, Sir?

Warden: Sure.

Officer Mohr: Well, I know it’s not the most glamourous career in the world.. but I love my job!

Warden: Uh-huh.. Of the 90 fights with people other than prisoners, how many of them ended in you being beaten and raped?

Officer Mohr: 89.

Warden: 89.

Officer Mohr: Well.. thanks to you.

Warden: That’s okay. [ pause ] Now, at the prison talent show, how many ended with you being beaten and raped.

Officer Mohr: Uh.. the vast majority, Sir.

Warden: The vast majority?!

Officer Mohr: All of them.

Warden: And how many chapel services ended with you being beatenand raped?

Officer Mohr: All of them.

Warden: Right! You see, we just can’t have you here, Son.. it’sdisruptive. We want our guards to put the Fear of God into these prisoners, not the Joy of Sex!

Officer Mohr: Right. I understand.

Warden: Also, I want you to understand that this is nothing personal between you and me, because, hell, I admire your courage and dedication and your ability to heal.

Officer Mohr: Thank you, Warden. May I also point out that there was not one escape during my appointment here?

Warden: Because nobody wanted to escape! Now, this isn’teasy for me, Son.. but turn in your nightstick and your identification!

Officer Mohr: [ stands up ] Well, Warden, if that’s the way you want it. But I’m telling you, I’ll be a prison guard somewhere! If not here, then at a smaller, more violent, minimum security prison – I promise! You’re not stopping me, you’re only inspiring me!

Warden: Just get out of here, you idiot! [ sees Officer Mohr removing his uniform ] What are you doing?

Officer Mohr: Well, I came into the prison naked, Sir, and by god, I’ll leave naked!

Warden: [ into his intercom ] Will you send in a couple of guards to escort this idiot from the grounds?

Officer Mohr: I won’t need you! I’ll show you howtough I am! [ exits office ]

Warden: [ looks out into the hall ] Would somebody get that idiot before he.. [ the sounds of the guard being beaten and raped by the other inmates in the hall can be heard ] Oh, boy.. [ sits down at his desk as the scene zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Spade in America

…..David Spade

(Opens with the Spade in America with David Spade logo. David sits at his desk. Rocky Mountain Way plays)

Announcer: And now Spade in America with David Spade.

David Spade: Whoo, thanks. Good crowd, good crowd. Ok, well, as you know tonight was game 6 of the World Series. The battle of the tribes. And last Tuesday I went to Jacob´s Field in Cleveland for game 3. And before the game started I was allowed onto the field to film stuff, an honor that was only granted to only 3 VIP´s. Myself and Mike and Matty. So, here´s what happened while I was out there.

(cut to David wearing a baseball uniform in the empty stadium)

David Spade: People, you decide. Empty stadium or Foghat reunion concert.

(David is all alone in the stands)

David Spade: Slow ride!!

(Foghat´s “Slow Ride” plays)

Foghat: Slow ride, take it easy….

(cut to David talking to a couple of bat boys, one black, one white)

David Spade: Have you ever had to bring a bat to a player, that had a cracked bat?

Black Kid: Yeah, sometimes. When they start walking into the dugout, so I know the bat´s cracked so I just take whatever bat that I have in the bat rack and just take it up to him.

David Spade: Ok, have you ever had to bring crack to a player that was at bat?

(White kid cracks up, black kid has a nervous laugh)

Black Kid: No, no.

(cut to David around first base)

David Spade: You know what I can´t take? It’s these new guys that never been on TV before and they get a booky little single and they always have to haul ass around first base like it could possibly be a double. They´re like…(David runs through first base, watches towards the centerfield) “Uh, what´s that? (David turns back to first base) I´ll just head here at first” That´s right, Will. Did you think that was a double? Did anybody? That was such a single. That was so not a double. I wanna cry for you and then punch you in the face.

(cut to David talking with a security guy with sunglasses)

David Spade: Hi, I´m here with Mike Donelly who is the head of security here at Jacob´s Field here in Cleveland. Mike, I like to ask you a question. Have you ever had to arrest anyone for re-broadcasting a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball because its strictly prohibited?

Security guy: Nah.

David Spade: I have. (snickers)

(cut to David on one knee next to third base)

David Spade: You know, when you´re home watching on TV, things look different that they actually are here on the field. The bases look like square white bags on TV. But in reality they´re actually two tires placed on each other. (two small tires are on the floor) So weird. Cause on TV, (cracks up) they look like bases… (still cracking up) its a funny joke, people. We didn´t even set that up. It’s real.

(cut to a shot of The Pretenders singer Chrissie Hynde)

Announcer: And now, welcome Cleveland´s own Chrissie Hynde for the singing of tonight´s National Anthem.

(cut to David later on with Chrissie)

David Spade: Someone told me that they wanted you to sing “Back on the Chain Gang” on the O.J. trial. That´s not true, is it?

Chrissie Hynde: No.

(cut to David around third base)

David Spade: Here´s my impression of Motley Crue coming around third base. ( he jogs in slow motion) ” I´m on my way…Home Sweet Home…Tonight, tonight…(makes evil sign) I love the devil….set me free…

(cut to David with baseball star Mark Wohlers)

David Spade: Is it possible to strike out somebody with one pitch? Because I´ve seen someone do it. His name? Bugs Bunny! He goes niah, niah, niah…

(cut to famous Bugs Bunny cartoon of him pitching one slow pitch and 3 guys swing at the ball missing)

Cartoon Voice: 1, 2, 3 strikes! You´re out! 1, 2, 3 strikes! You´re out! 1, 2, 3 strikes! You´re out!

(Mark Wohlers cracks up)

(cut to David with baseball star Chipper Jones)

David Spade: Before the game starts and people are filing in, do you sometimes look at the stands and figure out how many people it takes to just pay your salary that night?

(Chipper Jones cracks up laughing hard)

(cut to David on the field)

David Spade: Welcome back to MTV Sandblast! Where the blue team is ahead of the red team going into the slip and slide event. Let´s watch.

(cut to David back with Chipper Jones)

David Spade: I just wanted to know if sometimes when people are standing next to you on your team do they say: (sing) “Meeeee and Chipper! Chipper Joooones! Chipper Jones, Chipper Jones.”

(Chipper laughs hard)

(cut to baseball star Tom Glavine)

Tom Glavine: This is Tom Glavine. Back to you in the studio.

(cut to David at his desk)

(Applause)

David Spade: Yeah, all right. Thank you, thank you. Tom Glavine, my correspondent. By the way, congratulations Tom on winning the MVP and Atlanta winning the World Series tonight. My thanks to the Indians and the Braves for their hospitality and I will see you next week.

(Spade in America logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

A.M. Ale

Man…..David Koechner

Jingle:
“Dawn’s the time when you wake, to the challenge of a brand new day
You’re on your own when breakfast calls, you’re tired of the same old way.

A.M. Ale!
When you need a friend, you don’t ask questions,
never bother with how or why.
I need time, time to think
when you’re watching the world go by.

Oh, if you start right, you feel right,
you can make your own rules!
If you live righ,t you’re alright
with a sip of the morning dew.

A.M. Ale!
For the thirst you’ve gotta feed.
A.M. Ale! It’s the drink your body needs.

You can trust it with your secrets
it’s a friend that understands.
When you need some answers,
just look at the bottle in your hand.
It’s an A.M. Ale.”

Announcer: A.M. Ale. Because you can’t wait until afternoon.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Leg Up!

Ann Miller…..Molly Shannon
Debbie Reynolds…..Cheri Oteri
Elizabeth Berkeley…..Mariel Hemingway

Announcer: Welcome to Leg Up! With your hosts, Hollywood dance legend Ann Miller and America’s sweetheart Debbie Reynolds!

Ann Miller: I’ve got great, great grandkids and my legs still kick!

Debbie Reynolds: I’m sixty-three and I got sass up the ass!

Together: Welcome to Leg Up!

Debbie Reynolds: A show for dancers!

Ann Miller: About dancers!

Debbie Reynolds: Who love to dance!

Ann Miller: That’s right. Debbie, I gotta tell you. I don’t mean to embarrass you honey but you look terrific. She doesn’t get older, she gets younger.

Debbie Reynolds: Oh stop it.

Ann Miller: It’s true!

Debbie Reynolds: Well you know what Annie, I’m gonna take that compliment and toss it right back because someone has discovered the fountain of youth and isn’t telling!

Ann Miller: Stop it.

Debbie Reynolds: Her lips are sealed. She’s not saying a word !She isn’t telling!

Ann Miller: You know honey that you look like a teenage girl and it’s true.

Debbie Reynolds: Well you’re a four year old.

Ann Miller: You’re a three year old!

Debbie Reynolds: You’re a two year old!

Ann Miller: Well you’re a one year old!

Debbie Reynolds: You’re a fetus! Don’t try to top me, you’re a fetus!

Ann Miller: Oh, for crying out loud.

Debbie Reynolds: Our first guest today is starring in a controversial new film.

Ann Miller: That’s right, very controversial.

Debbie Reynolds: Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Showgirls….Annie where have I heard showgirls?

Ann Miller: Maybe right here!

Debbie Reynolds: Please welcome Miss Elizabeth Berkeley…..

Ann Miller: Terrific.

(Elizabeth Berkeley walks in wearing a very skimpy outfit)

Debbie Reynolds: Whooo!

Ann Miller: Well.

Debbie: Whoo!

Elizabeth Berkeley: So great to be here.

Ann Miller: Look at how young she is! Elizabeth you are a beauty.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Thank you.

Debbie Reynolds: She’s so stunning I’d like to shoot her in the back of the head!

Ann Miller: Ooooh, ouch!

Debbie Reynolds: Quick Annie get your gun….wait a second that’s a show neither one of us were in, what’s that about?

Ann Miller: I should have been in it. I should have been in it.

Debbie Reynolds: I didn’t get a call! I didn’t get a call!

Ann Miller: So Elizabeth, Elizabeth exactly how young are ya?

Elizabeth Berkeley: 21.

Ann & Debbie: Whoooooo!

Ann Miller: Well enjoy it now girl because in five years a hard rain is gonna fall.

Debbie Reynolds: KA-PLUNK!

Ann Miller: That’s right.

Debbie Reynolds: Anyway Lizzie, quick fading beauty aside, tell us how ya got your first big break.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Well, that would have to be Saved By the Bell.

Ann Miller: I remember Saved By the Bell.

Debbie Reynolds: Starlight Dinner Theater, 1956.

(Ann and Debbie break into a song)

Together:
“Saved by the bell
In the nick of time
Saved by the bell
We’ll be doing fine!”

Ann Miller: Remember that?

Debbie Reynolds: Yeah, I remember that Annie.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Actually Saved By the Bell was a popular television show. You know with Zack and Screech?

Ann Miller: Honey whoever your leading man is do not sleep with him.

Debbie Reynolds: Don’t do it!

Elizabeth Berkeley: Why do you say that?

Debbie Reynolds: Two words for you…Eddie Fisher

Ann Miller: I got two more words…Liz Taylor.

Debbie Reynolds: I got three more words…fat, divorced pig! I’m kidding! I’m kidding! I love Liz! I’m kidding!

Elizabeth Berkeley: What are you saying? Did you ever sleep with one of your leading men?

Debbie Reynolds: One of ‘em? Try both of ‘em. Singing In the Rain, 1952. Honey I was the lunch meat in the Gene Kelly, Donald O’Conner sandwhich.

Ann Miller: (Laughing) It’s true, it’s true.

Debbie Reynolds: I’m telling ya. No, really. And they call my daughter Princess Lay-a.

Ann Miller: She’s bad. Honey, I got stories too. Sugar Babies, Micky Rooney, and me. I rode that Rooney from Kalamazoo to Kansas not to mention all the other sugar babies on that tour bus!

Debbie & Ann: (Kicking up their legs) That’s a sore subject!

Debbie Reynolds: Now Lizzie, Lizzie tell me what kind of dancing were you doing in Showgirls? Were you a hoofer or a tapper?

Elizabeth Berkeley: I don’t know but I can get up and show you.

Debbie Reynolds: A show! A show!

Ann Miller: The girl’s got sass! Take it away Lizzie!

(Elizabeth does a provocative dance on a pole. Ann and Debbie look confused)

Elizabeth Berkeley: What do ya think?

Debbie Reynolds: Well I’d like to see the rest of that dance but I’ve run out of quarters.

Elizabeth Berkeley: Look I don’t mean to be disrespectful but I worked extremely hard to get that role!

Debbie Reynolds: I know what you mean honey. I did the same number in Louie B. Mayor’s office to get “Hit the Deck” in 1955. Remember that? Did I get it Annie?

Ann Miller: She got it, she got it.

Debbie Reynolds: I got it! I got it good!

Elizabeth Berkeley: I’m not a whore! I’m a dancer!

Debbie Reynolds: Whore who’s a dancer, dancer who’s a whore….

Elizabeth Berkeley: (Running off stage) I’m a dancer!

Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you’re bad.

Debbie Reynolds: To the bone.

Ann Miller: Oh Debbie, you know what that music means?

Debbie Reynolds: It means it’s time to say good night Annie

Ann Miller: That’s right

(Debbie and Ann get up and sing)

Ann Miller: I sure wish the show wasn’t over Debbie

Debbie Reynolds: But Mr. Producer Man says that it’s time to go

Together:
“We had so much fun with
Elizabeth-fifteen-minutes-of-fame-Berkley
But it’s time to end the show!
Leg up!”

Ann Miller: I’m a mediocre dancer and I made it big

Debbie Reynolds: I’m America’s sweetheart and I’m wearing a wig

Together: Leg up! Leg up!

Submitted by: Jenni C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Mariel Hemingway’s Monologue

…..Mariel Hemingway
…..David Koechner
…..Will Ferrell
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Mark McKinney
…..Jim Breuer
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Molly Shannon
…..Tim Meadows
…..Nancy Walls
…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mariel Hemingway!

Mariel Hemingway: Thank you! Welcome to a brand new season of “Saturday Night Live”! There’s been a lot of changes over the summer, a lot of fresh faces for you to meet.. we’ve got a new director, new writers, a new set and a brand new cast, which I think is great! You know, I should be nervous, but my one appearance on one episode of “Roseanne” gives me more TV experience than most of the people I’m working with tonight, so hey! I’m feeling great! I’m so excited for you to meet them, so hey, let’s do it.

[ walks off the stage, past the audience to the back hallway ]

I want you to meet them as themselves, because they’re going to be playing a lot of different characters, and I know what it’s like for people to stop you on the street and treat you like the characters you play. Oh, there’s Dave Koechner and Will Ferrell. Hi, guys!

David Koechner: Hi, there!

Will Ferrell: How you doing?

Mariel Hemingway: I’m doing great! Have a great show!

David & Will: Thanks!

[ Mariel stops by the cast lockers, where Cheri Oteri and Mark McKinney stand ]

Mariel Hemingway: Cheri! Cheri Oteri. She is so funny. And look how cute she is. I just love her! [ reaches in and kisses Cheri on the lips ] Hey, have a great show! [ points behind Cheri ] There’s Mark McKinney!

[ Mariel turns down the next hallway ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, this is great.. [ stops in front of Jim Breuer] Jim Breuer! He is such a great guy, so funny!

[ Mariel walks up to Darrell Hammond ]

Mariel Hemingway: Here’s Darrell Hammond, he does a great Leno! How you doing?

Darrell Hammond: Hi!

Mariel Hemingway: [ spots Molly Shannon ] Molly! Molly Shannon! Aw, what a doll you are! [ bends over and kisses Molly on the lips ] Hey, have a great show.

Molly Shannon: Thanks.

[ Mariel turns another corner, past Tim Meadows ]

Mariel Hemingway: So, come this way! Hi, Tim!

[ Mariel breezes past him ]

Mariel Hemingway: This is the Control Room! [ she enters ] This is a great place, this is where it all happens, guys. And this is Beth McCarthy, our new director. Can we talk about how cool she is? Oh, she’s great! She’s been helping me out all week.. she’s wonderful, I just love her! [ bends down to kiss Beth on the lips ] Hey, have a great show..

[ Mariel leaves the control room ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, come on, keep going, we’re all excited here. This is great, it’s kind of like a maze around here..

[ Mariel reaches the Quick-Change Booth ]

Mariel Hemingway: Oh! This is where we do quick-changes.

[ Nancy Walls pokes her head out of the booth ]

Mariel Hemingway: Nancy Walls! Hey, shy girl! Oh, I just love her! [ kisses Nancy on the lips ] See you in a bit!

[ Mariel continues down the hall ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way.. [ walks past the back of Lorne Michaels ] Hey, Lorne – oh, Lorne, don’t forget to introduce me to your wife at the party tonight!

[ a pair of female NBC pages duck for cover as Mariel walks by ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come along.. this is Norm! [ acknowledges Norm MacDonald having his costume altered, then pinches the Costume Designer’s ass ] Bye, Norm!

[ returns to Home Base ]

Well, there you have it. The new cast of “Saturday Night Live”. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty excited! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Blues Traveler is here, andwe’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts