John Goodman: Thank you! It’s a treat to be back here at Studio 8H, hosting this show for the sixth time! The last time I was here, I became a member of the 5-Timer’s Club, and, let me tell you, life as a 5-Timer is.. good! You don’t have to learn any lines, you don’t even have to show up until Saturday! But tonight, I’ve become a 6-Time host, and am being upgraded into a club so exclusive, so elite, that I can basically do anything.. I.. want. And this is what I want to do. Put on this sacred uniform, and introduce a friend of mine, without whose sanction, this would not be possible! [ puts on dark shades and a hat, the Blues Brothers look ] Ladies and gentlemen – from City, Illinois.. Mr. Elwood Blues!
[ Elwood Blues walks out ]
1, 2, 3, 4!
Mighty Mack & Elwood Blues: “Well now when I get the blues, gonna get me a rockin’ chair Well now when I get the blues, gonna get me a rockin’ chair When the blues overtake me, gonna rock right away from here
Now when I get lonesome I get on the telephone Now when I get lonesome I get on the telephone Well, I call my baby, tell her I’m on my way back home
Well, flip, flop & fly I don’t care if I die Flip, flop & fly I don’t care if I die Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye
Give me one last kiss; hold it a long, long time Give me one last kiss; hold it a long, long time Well, hold that kiss ’til I feel it in my head like wine
Well, here come my baby, flashin’ a new gold tooth Well, here come my baby, flashin’ a new gold tooth Well, she’s so small she can mambo in a pay phone booth
Well, flip, flop & fly I don’t care if I die Flip, flop & fly I don’t care if I die Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye
Lou Marini!
Well, like a Mississippi bullfrog sittin’ on a hollow stump Well, like a Mississippi bullfrog sittin’ on a hollow stump I got so many women I don’t know which way to jump
Well, flip, flop & fly I don’t care if I die Flip, flop & fly I don’t care if I die Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye.”
John Goodman: We’ve got a great show! Dan Aykroyd is here! The Tragically Hip is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back.
[ Various canine owners watch their pets play. A MALE OWNER and KATHY glance at the pets in the park on a bench. ]
Owner: Beautiful dog run, dont you think?
Kathy: Yeah.
Owner: Yeah – its nice they carve some room for these little fellas to run around.
Kathy: Yeah, New Yorks getting nicer.
Owner: Im an animal lover. So whats yours?
[ Kathy points her right hand out. ]
Kathy: I got the Border Collie. See him? Right over there
Owner: Oh, yeah! There he is. Its a beautiful animal. Gosh, I love animals!
Kathy: Yeah. Me, too.
Owner: Animals – I love them! I guess Im a softie that way. Family-man type.
Kathy: Yeah So which ones yours?
[ He points his left hand out to BOO, a man dressed in a cheap Dalmatian costume, barking and hopping around the other dogs. ]
Owner: There he is – the big one! You see him there?
Kathy: Yeah, hes huge!
Owner: Yeah, yeah, thats Boo, all right! Boy, I love to see him out there without a leash. Hey, hey! Come on, boy, catch!
[ The owner tosses Boo a tennis ball. A German Shepherd catches it, which angers Boo, who in turn growls and taunts it. The owner and Kathy laugh. ]
Owner: Good Boo!
[ The owner laughs some more as Boo return the tennis ball with his mouth. }
Owner: Yeah, makes the trip worth coming here. Plus, meeting nice people like yourself.
Kathy: You know, hes kind of a weird-looking dog. I mean, Im sorry. I just
Owner: No, its all right. Hes, uh, inbred. Thats why hes got the weird face and all. Damn breeders, theyre out of control!
Kathy: I read about that.
Owner: Sure. Cover of Time. They take them and then they keep breeding them to get this perfect look and then they ruin the poor things.
[ Boo grabs the German Shepherd by its hind legs and starts sniffing its rear. ]
Owner: Poor Boo was a reject. Yeah, I took him in because they were about to put him to sleep. It breaks your heart. I just love animals.
[ Boo grabs various dogs by their backsides and tries humping them. ]
Owner: Hes a frisky fella! You cant take that away from him!
Kathy: Yeah, you know, it just seems weird. I mean, hes almost human.
Owner: Yeah. A lot of them seem like that.
Kathy: I mean its sweet that you saved him and everything, but, uh, its, uh, kind of disturbing.
[ Boo grabs a female dog and starts humping it with vigor. ]
Owner: You know, thats not always a sex thing. They do that to show dominance.
Kathy: Right.
Owner: Yeah. Im kind of a dog aficionado, I guess.
Kathy: Uh-huh.
[ Boo moves to a corner, stands up, and begins urinating. ]
Owner: See, now hes marking his territory. Thats what they do. Hes saying, This is mine.
Kathy: You know what? Maybe its just that Ive never seen a dog like that. Is he dangerous?
Owner: Oh, no! Come here, champ. He loves people.
[ Boo comes to his owner. ]
Owner: Come here. Attaboy. Thats it, Boo. Thats it, Boo. Now say hi to, uh — geez, I never did get your name?
Kathy: Kathy. Thats okay.
[ Boo tries to lick Kathys face and starts humping her left leg. ]
Owner: He loves you! Oh, you made a friend.
Kathy: I like dogs, but really Oh, okay. Now, stop now. Stop it!
Owner: Hey! You heard her, Boo!
Kathy: All right, get down!
Owner: He loves you!
Kathy: Stop it. Stop! Get him off now!
Owner: He really likes you!
Kathy: Yeah, I can see that.
[ Boo grabs onto Kathy as she gets up. Kathy knees Boo in the groin. Boo limps over to his owner, who holds him close as he gets up from the bench. ]
Kathy: You are a couple of freaks!
[ Kathy points to Boo. ]
Kathy: You are the sickest guy Ive ever met!
[ She then points to the owner. ]
Kathy: And you are somehow even worse. A dog lover, you make me sick.
Owner: Look, I dont care what you say about me. But dont hurt Boo. I can handle your nonsense but Ive worked hard to get Boo to feel good about himself again. Boo is a real dog and dont you ever say otherwise!
[ STEVE, a large man dressed in an equally cheap, brown canine costume, steps into the park. ]
Steve: Sorry Im late!
[ Steve assimilates himself with the other dogs. ]
Kathy: Thats it! Im going to report you! Hey, over here!
[ Kathy waves her arms. ]
Owner: Hey, Steve!
Kathy: Hey, Police!
Owner: Steve!
[ Steve lifts his back leg and pretends to urinate and gets up. ]
Steve: Hey, where are you guys going!?
Kathy: Over here! Somebody!?
[ All three huddle. ]
Owner: Come here. All right – Plan B: Horse Park in Central Park. Carriage shed. 5:30 tomorrow.
[ All three nod their heads in unison and depart. ]
David Brinkley…..Mark McKinney Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon George Will…..Michael McKean Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on show logo ]
[ dissolve to the set of “This Week with David Brinkley”, where Sam Donaldson, George Will, David Brinkley, and Bob Dole are seated in a row ]
David Brinkley: We’re back. I’m David Brinkley. Well, the 1996 presidential election is still a year and a half away, but already the field of Republican hopefuls is crowded.. with the likes of Phil Gramm.. Lamar Alexander.. Pat Buchanan.. and, here with us in the studio, Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole, thank you for joining us this morning.
Bob Dole: Thank you, David. Thank you. Thank you, you know, actually, I’ve been here in the studio since last week – in fact, I’ve never left. I’ve done three “Nightline”s, a couple of “Good Morning America”s, a “Day One”, a “Primetime Live”.. I was gonna go home and take a shower, but, you know, it’s more trouble than it’s worth, and.. well, I brought along a couple of extra neckties, so I’m good ’til Wednesday!
David Brinkley: Senator, you know Sam Donaldson and George Will.
Bob Dole: Yes. Which reminds me, Sam. I found your library card. [ retrieves card from his back pocket, hands it to Sam ]
Sam Donaldson: Really? You did?
Bob Dole: Yeah, it was under the coach in the green room back there.
Sam Donaldson: Well, thank you.
Bob Dole: That’s where I slept last night. I’d just finished “World News Tonight”, it was.. three a.m., I had to get up for “Good Morning America”, so I jsut crashed here.
David Brinkley: George?
George Will: Senator, you’ve been a very visible presence in the morning news shows, CNN and so on. Is there not a danger or perception that you’re taking your presidential candidacy more seriously than your responsibilities in the Senate?
Bob Dole: Well, George, the Contract with America, as you know, is rapidly moving through the House. I expect that we in the Senate will have a few things to say about it. Bob Dole’s gonna work around the clock to see that it gets passed. You see, at my age you don’t need to sleep like these young guys do – your Phil Gramms, your Lamar Alexanders, and so forth. Bob Dole sleeps 45 minutes a night! On that couch in the green room.
David Brinkley: Yes, but.. Senator.. the Senate, unlike the House, is a —
Bob Dole: I eat less, too. Now, the average 180-pound man needs 3,000 calories a day just to function. Bob dole does it on 200! That’s six Saltines and an eight-ounce glass of root beer. That’s all I need!
David Brinkley: Sam?
Sam Donaldson: Senator Dole.. in this election, most observers agree that the race is yours to lose, and that you’re playing it safe. Is that, perhaps, why, so far, we’ve only seen Bob Dole the statesman, and not the other Bob Dole – Bob Dole the hatchet man of the ’76 campaign, the time-bomb waiting to go off of ’88?
Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] Well, Sam, I didn’t know you felt that way..
Sam Donaldson: Oh, but seriously, Senator, how long can you keep your famous dark side under control?
[ close-up on Bob Dole ]
Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously again ]
[ Bob Dole as a haloed angel pops up over Dole’s right shoulder ]
Bob Dole’s Angel: Stay calm, you’re the front runner; it’s not worth it. Don’t let him provoke you.
[ Bob Dole as a horned Devil pops up over Dole’s left shoulder ]
Bob Dole’s Devil: Are you gonna take guff from that impudent freak? Come on, lose your temper! Fly off the handle! Go nuts!
[ back to wide shot of the group ]
Bob Dole: Well, Sam, maybe Bob Dole has mellowed over the years. It’s one of those advantages of being my age. Here’s another one: I don’t have to buy clothes as often. I’ve been the same suit size for twenty years – 40 long!
Sam Donaldson: But what about the Bob Dole who, in the ’76 Vice-Presidential debate, said that Vietnam and World War 2 were, quote, “Democrat wars”?
[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]
Bob Dole’s Devil: They were Democrat wars! Tell him, you coward!
Bob Dole’s Angel: No! That’s the same advice you gave twenty years ago, and it cost us the election!
Bob Dole’s Devil: Stop lying about my record!
[ back to wide shot of the group ]
George Will: Senator Dole, you.. you’re sitting there silently, and I notice an angel Bob Dole and a devil Bob Dole sitting on your shoulder arguing.
Bob Dole: George, I’m not gonna sit here today and discuss my angel and devil!
George Will: Alright, fair enough, but let me ask you this: some of your critics are beginning to wonder if you stand for anything. Does your vision of a Bob Dole presidency involve anything more than just Bob Dole being president?
[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]
Bob Dole’s Devil: That’s it! We don’t have to listen to that! We deserve to be president! We’ve earned it! We’re 71 years old! Get him!
Bob Dole’s Angel: I agree with him! We’ve paid our dues, and it’s high time someone wiped that smirk off George Will’s face! You know it, I know it, the American people know! Get him!
[ back to wide shot of the group ]
Bob Dole: You don’t think I stand for anything, George?! [ jumps to his feet ] Well, I’ll stand now to give you the beating of your life!! Get up! I’ll show you how a septugenarian does it!
George Will: [ stands, removes his microphone ] This conversation has crossed the bounds of civility. [ runs off the set ]
Bob Dole: That’s right! Run away, George! Tell them you backed down from a fight with a 71-year-old one-armed man! [ waves his good fist at Sam Donaldson ] You want a piece of this?!
Sam Donaldson: This is the Bob Dole I was talking about.
Bob Dole: Well, take a good look, before I punch your lights out! [ Sam Donaldson runs for his life ] You, too, Brinkley! Get going! [ David Brinkley flees the studio ] Turn those cameras off! I’m tired.. I’m sleepy.. I want to take a nap. [ sits ] One more thing..
[ Bob Dole’s angel and devil reappear ]
Together: ..”Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: March 25th, 1995 John Goodman The Tragically Hip Dan Aykroyd Brian Dennehy
This Week With David Brinkley Bob Dole’s (Dan Aykroyd) angel and devil steer him through election talk. Recurring Characters: David Brinkley, Bob Dole.
John Goodman’s Monologue Six-timer Goodman gets to perform new Blues Brother act with Dan Aykroyd. Recurring Characters: Mighty Mack, Elwood Blues.
Bill Swerski’s Super Fans Recurring Characters: Bob Sweski, Pat Arnold, Carl Wollarski, Tood O’Conner, Irwin Mainway.
The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) doesn’t give Goodman a chance to speak during interview. Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald Kato Kaelin (David Spade) displays talents on the O.J. Simpson trial witness stand. Recurring Characters: Kato Kaelin.
Dog Park Pervert (Adam Sandler) dresses like a dog to satisfy beastiality cravings.
Rush Limbaugh vs. Howard Stern Rush Limbaugh (Dan Aykroyd) steals Howard Stern’s (Michael McKean) entourage. Recurring Characters: Howard Stern, Robin Quivers.
Self-Deluded Losers
Unsolved Mysteries A mysterious bottle may unlock the secret to the origins of the universe.
The Tragically Hip performs “Nautical Disaster”
Coal Miners Coal miners (Kevin Nealon, Goodman, Dan Aykroyd, Mark McKinney) joke about cave-ins.
Penis-Measuring Device Surveyist (Chris Elliot) questions need for penis-measuring device in the New Denver Airport. After 10 seasons, Chris Elliot announces he’s leaving “SNL”.
Norm MacDonald: Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. I’mNorm Macdonald and this is the fake news:
A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder of aco-worker following their joint appearance on “TheJenny Jones Show.” Jenny Jones says she’s very upsetover the incident. How upset? Find out on the next”Jenny Jones.” …
F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense onlyknew what Ron Goldman’s last words were, they might beable to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me,Goldman’s last words were probably, ah, “Hey, you’reO. J. Simpson!” … [cheers and applause]
And Bailey insists he’s talked to potential witnessMaximo Cordoba. “I have NOT talked to F. Lee Bailey,”says Maximo Cordoba. Who’s right and who’s wrong? Findout on the next “Cordoba.” …
Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, adrug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder inchildren. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin cancause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhancedmental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increasedsense of self-confidence. And, remember, kids: thoseare BAD things. …
[Photo of a man pointing a rifle at another man’sface] Well, tests got underway this week to see ifthose new outlawed bullets are really as dangerous aseveryone says. …
Norm MacDonald: Well, in weather news, thesouth has been hit with a record number of tornadoesthis month. Now, a lot of viewers, ah, don’tunderstand what a tornado actually is. So here toexplain is best selling author of “You May Be aRedneck,” comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff?
[Cheers and applause for the mustachioed,Southern-accented deadpan comic.]
Jeff Foxworthy: Thank you Norm, thank you. Ifyou have winds swirling around you at a hundred andforty miles per hour and lawn chairs flying about, youmight be a tornado. …
If cumulus and nimbus clouds dissipate when you’rearound, there’s a good change you’re a tornado….
If you’re an extratropical funnel comprised of warm,humid air conflicting with dry air, causing acone-shaped swirling cloud that periodically touchesdown and tears a brutal path wherever it hits …there’s a chance you may be a tornado. …
If people see you and run … there’s a good argumentto be made, that you could be characterized, notunfairly, as a tornado. …
If you were in Enid, Oklahoma in February 1960 andwhen you finished your destructive rampage, twenty-sixpeople where left for dead, you may be a tornado.
If you look in the mirror and see this [holds upcartoon drawing of a tornado] … you–
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Hey, hey, Jeff,now, ah, those are really funny but, hey, why don’tyou give us a redneck joke, huh? Like, ah, you knowif, ah, if your family tree does not fork, you may bea redneck! One of those?
Jeff Foxworthy: Well, Norm, that was last year.Right now I’m focusing on promoting my new book, “YouMay Be a Tornado If…” Which is in its third printingand has hilarious jokes like the ones I just told youplus a whole lot more.
Norm MacDonald: Well, good luck there, Jeff.Thanks a lot for stoppin’ by.
Jeff Foxworthy: There ya go, Norm! [cheers andapplause] Thank you!
Norm MacDonald: Jeff Foxworthy!
Jeff Foxworthy: [flashes the drawing whileexiting] Tornado!
Norm MacDonald: According to a controversialnew biography, Elizabeth Taylor likes her lovemakingloud, rough, and frequent. Coincidentally, that’s alsohow she likes to eat. …
[Norm glances at headline that reads: “5th O. J. juroraxed”] Oh no! O. J. has struck again! How ’bout that?… [scattered applause] Not a good thing.
A recent study shows the number of sexually activeteenagers is leveling off at 53 per cent. And anotherstudy shows the number of teenagers who tell theirfriends that they are sexually active is holdingsteady at 100 per cent. …
[Photo of LaToya Jackson in concert] Here we seeLaToya Jackson wowing the crowds in St. Petersburg,Russia. Of course, in Russia, “wowing” means “todisappoint or disgust.” …
The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becomingthe first state to ban the use of lions, tigers,elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses.Officials also plan to change the state motto to “NewHampshire — Where the Circus Really Sucks”…
Norm MacDonald: Well, here at Weekend Update welike to hear what ordinary Americans have to say aboutworld events. So here, with a point-counterpointdiscussion, are Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle.
[Cheers and applause for two bespectacled, MiddleAmerican yokels — thin Frank Dippy, wearing cowboyhat and Western string tie, and fat Hank Doodlewearing a tasseled red Shriners’ fez.]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, how are ya, fellas?
Frank Dippy: Doin’ fine, Norman.
Hank Doodle: Let’s get it to it, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas, you know therules. You have ten seconds to get your point across.Now, here’s your first topic: The first hundred daysof the Republican congress drawing to a close — havethey delivered their Contract with America? FrankDippy, you have ten seconds.
Frank Dippy: [stuttering horribly] All right -ten, ten seconds, got a lot to say. One hundred days,this is going back to the, whoosh, got, it’s as simpleas – okay, Bill Clinton, got the – lemme just saythat, hala, make no mistake, ha he hem – [BUZZER] -All right, out of time, okay.
Hank Doodle: Okay. I was just talkin’ aboutthis to ah, my bleedin’ heart liberal brother. So Isits the guy down, I look him straight in the eye, andI says to him, I – I says to the guy. I says to him, Isays, I says, he’s right there, I’m right–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas. Well, let’smove on to the next topic. It’s Oscar time. Bestpicture category, what do you think? Frank Dippy?
Frank Dippy: So many terrific, ah – Pulp Fic–Pulp Fiction got the, got the, [?], Shawshank, gotthe, but, okay one thing about the Gump, you got, who,okay, yeah. Brando – Brando did not want to show upbecause of the Indians. But, oh, I’m getting ahead ofmyself. Ah, okay, focus, gotta think here. It allcomes down to the– [BUZZER] … That did not go well,all right.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, well, Hank Doodle, thefloor is yours. Best picture?
Hank Doodle: An old school buddy of mine is,ah, in the Academy, I don’t normally do this but Icalled him up and I says to him, I, I, I says to him,I says, I says, I says, I says, I says to him, I says,put him right on the spot and I, I, I says to him, I–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: All right, well, the O. J.trial — is the high-priced defense team giving O. J.his money’s worth? This is a complex issue so I’mgoing to give each of you twenty seconds. FrankDippy?
Frank Dippy: Okay, now look, ah, I’m notlookin’ to ruffle any feathers, here, it’s just, let’sstart at the top here, okay, well, Papa Gino’s givesya, ah, forget that – gettin’ sidetracked, anyway,Judge Ito is fooling himself if he thinks any–anyway, I says to the guy, I says, I says to him, Isays– Oh, that’s HIS thing. All right, okay, gottahurry, and, and, ah, here comes the buzzer, and–[BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Look, I think the twentysecond thing might have been a mistake, there, so, Mr.Doodle, for your rebuttal, I’m going to give you fourseconds. Go ahead.
Hank Doodle: Well, I says to him, I says, I, Isays, I says, I says– [BUZZER]
Norm MacDonald: Now, fellas, I know you’re bothhuge college basketball fans, so, in closing, whydon’t you tell us who you think’s gonna win the FinalFour?
[Dippy and Doodle simultaneously jabber away,stuttering and “I says”-ing. After a few moments, Normends the bit.]
Norm MacDonald: All right, okay, I think that’senough, Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle, everyone! [Cheersand applause as Dippy and Doodle exit jabbering, muchto Norm’s amusement] Well, um …
Newlyweds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had theirfirst argument this week. He wants kids, while shewants fake kids. …
[Photo of multisport athlete Michael Jordan] And,finally, well, it’s official– [cheers and applause]There ya go. Michael Jordan is leaving baseball toreturn to basketball. It is unclear whether the mediawill now refer to him by his old basketball nickname,”Air Jordan,” or his more recent baseball nickname,”Señor Crappy.” …
And that’s it. Thanks, folks! See ya next week.
[Music. Cheers and applause. With a stylish flip ofhis sheaf of papers, Norm removes his microphone,rises and exits. Fade.]
[ open on exterior window of the One Brother Restaurant ]
[ dissolve to interior, four businessmen sitting at a table for lunch ]
[ the Waiter, part owner of the restaurant, walks up to the table. He speaks in a heavy Greek accent. ]
Waiter: Okay, hi!
[ the businessmen ad-lib their greetings back ]
Waiter: Alright, you guys ready to order?
Businessman #1: Yeah, I think we are.
Businessman #2: Yeah, we’re just wondering why you call this restaurant One Brother.
Waiter: Because.. I have one brother.
Businessman #2: Yeah, but.. I mean, shouldn’t it be called Two Brothers, then, because there’s two of you?
Waiter: I don’t have two brothers – I have one brother.
Businessman #3: Yeah, but there’s.. two of you?
Waiter: [ not understanding ] It’s very simple. You see, I have one brother – Nico; and Nico has one brother – me. You see? So, we say.. The One Brother Restaurant. Okay! That’s what it is! [ turns to Businessman #1 ] Would you like to order?
Businessman #1: Alright. The, uh.. three bean salad.
Waiter: Yes, sir?
Businessman #1: What.. what kind of type of beans you got in there?
Waiter: Eh, lima beans.
Businessman #1: And what else?
Waiter: Just lima beans!
Businessman #1: But.. I thought it was the three bean salad?
Waiter: Uh, well, it is – you get a total – a total of three beans!
Businessman #1: Just three beans?
Waiter: Three beans!
Businessman #1: No..
Waiter: Three lima beans, yes! It says “three bean salad.” What’s the problem?
Businessman #1: No, no, no problem. What’s in the triple-decker club here?
Waiter: Triple-decker is: lettuce.. mayonnaise.. chicken.
Businessman #1: So.. what else besides the chicken?
Waiter: Lettuce.. mayonnaise.
Businessman #1: So, mayonaise counts as one deck?
Waiter: Yes. That’s the second deck. You want that?
Businessman #1: Could you add bacon to that?
Waiter: Add bacon? [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?
Nico: No.
Waiter: No. It is what it is!
Businessman #1: Okay, I’m gonna need more time.
Waiter: Okay! [ turns to Businessman #4 ] What about you?
Businessman #4: Uhhh.. now, the, uh, four-cheese pizza.. that doesn’t have any of that Greek goat cheese in it, does it?
Waiter: No, no, no. It has mozzarella.. eh, romana.. mozzarella.. and, eh.. then, there’s moozarella.
Businessman #4: That’s, uh.. really only two cheeses.
Waiter: [ thinking ] No, that’s four cheese: mozzarella.. romana.. mozzarella.. there’s-a more mozzarella.
Businessman #4: Aww! Yeah! I’m an idiot!
Waiter: Okay. Four cheese?
Businessman #4: [ shakes head ] Um.. I’m not ready yet.
[ Waiter turns to Businessman #2 ]
Businessman #2: Now, I’m assuming that your double cheeseburger is just one burger patty?
Waiter: Yes! Double cheese, one burger.
Businessman #2: Does that come with any cheese?
Waiter: No cheese.
Businessman #2: Can I get cheese?
Waiter: You wanna put the cheese on the — [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?
Nico: No.
Waiter: No! It is what it is! [ turns to Businessman #3 ] How about you?
Businessman #3: Now, the tuna sandwich —
Waiter: Yes?
Businessman #3: Is that with two slices of bread – one on the bottom, one on the top – with tuna in the middle?
Waiter: Of course. Why would you ask that? Yes. Yes.
Businessman #3: Then, I’ll have that.
Waiter: Alright.
[ everyone murmers “Me, too.” ]
Waiter: Okay! Alright! Four tuna sandwiches. You know, I have to charge you for six?
Businessman #1: Well, how much is that gonna cost?
Waiter: It’s the same as four – don’t worry. Okay? Four tuna sandwiches coming right up!
[ Waiter heads toward the kitchen, then stops and returns to the table ]
Waiter: Wait a sec! Wait a sec.. I just realized something! What you said before, now I see – I understand now!
Businessmen: What?
Waiter: ‘Cause, from where you are sitting – you see-a two brothers! Is Nico and me! It’s two, not one! So, we-we should call the restaurant – should be Two Brothers!
Businessmen: [ enthusiastically ] Right!
Waiter: Maybe we should do it! We should change the, the name! Nico?
Nico: No!
Waiter: It is what it is! It is.
[ Waiter exits to the kitchen, as the businessmen converse amongst themselves ]
[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill dome, with CNN logo ]
[ SUPER: “Next: Gingrich Meets With Lesbian Half-Sister” ]
Announcer: Earleir this week, House Speaker Newt Gingrich held an impromptu press conference with his lesbian half-sister, Candace Gingrich, on the Capitol’s west portico. Our C-Span cameras were there.
[ dissolve to Candace and Newt seated before the press, cameras flashing ]
Newt Gingrich: Well, it, uh.. it looks like we got a pretty good turn-out from you members of the press. All these.. TV cameras. I don’t see what the big deal is, I just wanted to see my sister while she was down here in Washington. We’re family. We may not agree on everything, but.. she’s my sister.. and I love her.
Reporter #1: Miss Gingrich? What are you doing here in Washington?
Candace Gingrich: Well, I’m part of the Lesbian and Gay Rights Task Force, and we’re here to demand legal protection against discrimination. I.. I mean, it’s time for the Republican-controlled Congress to understand: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!
Newt Gingrich: [ chuckles nervously ] She’s actually my half-sister, uh.. but, uh.. I love her a lot. It’s great to see you, Candace!
Reporter #2: Uh.. what else, Miss Gingrich?
Candace Gingrich: Well, we’ll be actively asking Congress to pass a Constitutional amendment to legalize same-sex marriages in all fifty states, and to appeal all anti-sodomy laws!
Newt Gingrich: [ uncomfortable ] See, we have different fathers. Uh.. same mother, but, uh.. we don’t really see each other that much. Uh.. frankly, I can’t remember the last time we.. talked. [ chuckles more nervously ]
Reporter #3: Candace, would you ever vote for your brother?
[ Newt lets out an extended, loud, nervous laugh ]
Candace Gingrich: Let’s just say that, uh.. Newtie and I, uh.. agree to disagree. Especially when it comes to teaching safe-sex techniques, right?
Newt Gingrich: [ laughs nervously, breaks into a whisper ] Please leave.. I’ll PAY you.. [ laughs again ]
Candace Gingrich: Oh, Newtie, you rascal! Oh! By the way, has everyone met my lover, Marta? [ looks offscreen, as Marta enters on Newt’s other side ] Marta! Honey! Come on, sit next to Newt, dear!
[ Marta sits down next to Newt, sandwiching him in the middle of the two lesbians ]
Newt Gingrich: How do you do, Marta? Any friend of Candace is a friend of mine! [ chuckles more nervously ]
Marta: [ raises fist in the air ] 2-4-6-8! How do you know your kids are straight!
Newt Gingrich: [ more uncomfortable ] Ohhh, boy.. look at the time. Well, I suppose that.. I got a lot of laws to pass – this whole Contract With America thing. [ uncomfortable ] Uh.. geez, it’s hot out here! [ chuckles nervously ]
Reporter #4: Candace, Marta – can we get a picture of you two kissing?
Candace Gingrich: Um.. I’m sorry, I think that would be inappropriate. But you could get a picture of both of us kissing Newt. M-marta?
Marta: Yeah.
[ they both lean in and kis Newt on his cheeks ]
Newt Gingrich: [ struggling to free himself ] Hey, hey, just a second! Get the hell off of me! “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Jack Handey V/O: I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, “Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.” So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
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