[ open on three businesspeople sitting at a table in restaurant ]
Businessman #1: My broker has me in mutual funds, but with the way the market’s been lately, I’m losing my shirt.
Businessman #2: Tell me about it. I’m taking a beating in the bond market.
Businesswoman: Well, my investment counselor is Hillary Rodham Clinton… and HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON says: [ the entire room leans closer, as she stares at them in shock ]
[ dissolve to Hillary Rodham Clinton seated at desk ]
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hello! I’m the First Lady of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton. You know, in this volatile, topsy-turvy market, investing even as little as a thousand dollars CAN be a frightening propspect. That’s why you want an investment counselor with a proven record of results SO spectacular… that it’s hard to believe they’re legitimate! What would you say if I told you that you could get a 10,000% return on your money in less than a year? [ she smiles ] Impossible? Well, I did just that in 1982.
[ she stands ]
Now, to give you some idea of what a 10,000% return means, to get that return on a Certificate of Deposit at today’s rates, you would have to hold onto it for… three… hundred… years. That’s a looong time!
[ she steps in front of her desk and sits ]
Now, here’s how it works: Simply subscribe to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Investment Newsletter. [ she holds up a copy of the newsletter ] Every issue is jam-packed with my Hillary Rodham Clinton investment tips, like:
Don’t Invest in Land.
Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas.
And, perhaps the most important tip of all: Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas with the McDougals.
And, if you call now, you’ll get this free booklet: [ she holds it up ] “Cattle: How to Turn a Thousand Dollars Into a Hundred Thousand Dollars.” [ she winks ] It really works!
Plus, as a special added gift, this history of “Saturday Night Live”, entitled “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.” [ she holds up the book ] Oh! I almost forgot: “LIVE, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
…..Cindy Crawford Tina Turner…..Ellen Cleghorne Garth Brooks…..Mike Myers Jerry Garcia…..Chris Farley Michael Bolton…..Kevin Nealon Wynonna Judd…..Melanie Hutsell Naomi Judd…..Julia Sweeney Aaron Neville…..Tim Meadows Elton John…..Phil Hartman Elvis Costello…..Michael McKean Kurt Cobain…..David Spade Cher…..Sarah Silverman Anthony Kiedis…..Jay Mohr Flea…..Norm MacDonald k.d. Lang…..Rob Schneider Axl Rose…..Adam Sandler
Cindy Crawford: Hi, I’m Cindy Crawford for M-TV News! [ major applause from the audience ] For the last several weeks, the story of President Clinton’s Whitewater scandal has dominated the headlines. We at M-TV initially thought we weren’t going to be able to cover the Whitewater affair at all – mostly becuase many of our viewers, myself included, don’t really understand Whitewater, or even know what it is. But that’s all changed, now that some of the biggest names in rock have come together to sing a song about it. Let’s take a look.
[ dissolve to large group of rockers standing together in a recording studio, banner tacked between the walls reads “Rockers To Help Explain Whitewater” ]
[ music tempo begins, the tune bears resemblance to USA Fro Africa’s “We Are The World” ]
[ dissolve from group to shot to close-up of Tina turner side-by-side with Garth Brooks ]
Tina Turner: “Back in 1978 The Clintons bought some land to sell vacation homes. 230 acres, to be exact.”
Garth Brooks: “They borrowed 2 or 3,000 dollars With their friends The MacDougals. And formed the Whitewater Development Corporation.”
Tina Turner: “And that’s a fact!”
[ dissolve to Jerry Garcia side-by-side with Michael Bolton ]
Jerry Garcia: “In 1980, McDougal buys the Madison Bank & Trust. He lends his partner Hillary 30 grand to build a model home on a Whitewater lot.”
Michael Bolton: “He loans her money to get around laws Which prevents him from loaning money to himselfOr his company”
Jerry Garcia: “And that’s the plot!”
[ dissolve to the Judds, Wynonna and Naomi ]
The Judds: “It’s very complicated! It’s hard to understand! We’ll try to walk to walk you through it Come on and take my hand!”
[ dissolve to Aaron Neville ]
Aaron Neville: “In 1984, Whitewater helps Bill pay back A $20,000 personal loan to the Cherry Valley Bank. And the Clintons claim the paymentas an interest deduction on their tax return.”
[ Elton John enters the frame next to Luther Vandross ]
Elton John: “That’s an illegal deduction but the Clintons blame their accountants for the mistake.”
Luther Vandross: “This intriguing turn.”
[ dissolve to Elvis Costello ]
Elvis Costello: “McDougal buys back Clinton’s loan And hires Hillary and her law firm to represent his bank. Then she helps Whitewater buy a new piece of land With an illegal $300,000 loan.”
[ Kurt Cobain enters the frame next to Elvis Costello ]
Kurt Cobain: “McDougal says he shipped the Clintons all the files to the governors mansion. And the Clintons say they never got them.”
Elvis Costello: “These guys should talk on the phone.”
[ dissolve to full shot of the entire studio ]
All: “It’s very tough to figure where it all went wrong. But draw your own conclusion from listening to our song.”
[ dissolve to Cher ]
Cher: “Madison Bank goes underwith $60 million missing.McDougal is arrested.And, in a conflict of interest, Hillary’s law firm is hired for a suit against the bank that it used to represent.”
[ Anthony Kiedis enters the frame next to Cher ]
Anthony Kiedis: “McDougal is acquitted but claims the Clintons lost much less than the $68,000 they claimed.”
Cher: “And in 1992, Clinton ran for President.”
[ dissolve to full shot of the entire studio ]
All: “It’s really quite a puzzle Who did what to who. But we gotta get a handle It’s up to me and you.”
[ dissolve to k.d. Lang ]
k.d. Lang: “In 1993, Vince Foster, the Clintons’ friend and attorney who worked at the same firm as Hillary filed long overdue taxes for Whitewater Which contradicted msot of the estabished financial numbers. After his suicide, important papers were removed from his office.”
[ Axl Rose enters frame next to k.d. Lang ]
Axl Rose: “White House staffers met with the Treasury Department And then Janet Reno named a special Prosecutor And the House began deciding whether to hold hearings and what kind to hold. So finally the President had to being in Lloyd Cutler, an old Democratic hand to restore some order to his administration.”
[ dissolve to full shot of the entire studio ]
All: “We don’t have all the answers Perhaps we never will. The only ones who’ll ever know Are Hillary and Bill.”
[ dissolve to Elvis Costello ]
Elvis Costello: “And McDougal and his wife..”
[ dissolve to Jerry Garcia ]
Jerry Garcia: And Webster Hubbell and Maraget Williams..”
[ dissolve to Axl Rose ]
Axl Rose: And Vince Foster.”
[ video title card appears over full shot of the studio: Rockers To Help Explain Whitewater “It’s Difficult” Jazzman Records ]
[ dissolve back to Cindy Crawford ]
Cindy Crawford: I’ve learned more from that song than all years at M-TV! [ thorws her arms in the air ] “Live, from New York, it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!!“
Announcer: Jane Campion. The woman who brought you “The Piano”. Winner of the 1993 Cannes Film Festival, now brings you.. “The Washing Machine”.
[ image of Ada standing with her washing machine along the coastline ]
Ada V/O: The voice you hear is not my speaking voice.. but my mind voice. Ah have not spoken since I was six years old. Yet, I do not think myself silent. Because, you see.. I can speak.. through.. my washing machine.
[ dissolve to the Baines’ residence ]
Stuart: Well, Baines.. I kept my end of the bahgain. You got my wife’s washing machine; now I want my 80 acres.
Baines: You’ll get your land, Stuart. But you must know.. I don’t know how to clean mah clothes. Bleach.. softener.. these things confuse me. Ah’ll be needin’ laundry lessons.
Stuart: My new wife can teach you.
[ Ada and her daughter enter. Ada mutely addresses her daughter. ]
Stuart: What does your mother say, girl!
Ada’s Daughter: [ petrified ] My mother says you can’t give the machine away, it’s hers!
Stuart: [ furious ] You must sacrifice it for the good of the family, Eda!
Ada’s Daughter: [ as Ada pantomimes to her ] My mother says.. No! It’s not yours to give away, it’s hers! She’s really mad!
Stuart: The deal is done, Eda! And you will show Baines how to wash!
Ada’s Daughter: [ as Ada pantomimes ] My mother says.. No! And she says you should give me candy, and.. take me to Space Mountain, and buy me lots of Barbie dolls!
[ Ada smacks her daughter across the head ]
Ada’s Daughter: Uh.. maybe not!
[ image of Ada carressing her washing machine along the coast ]
Announcer: The passion. The purpose. The woman. The wash.
[ dissolve to Ada pouring detergent into the washing machine, as Baines steps behind her ]
Baines: If you’d cooperate with me, Ada.. there’s a way you can have your washing machine.. In a sense.. you can earn it back. By doing my laundry. [ wraps longjohns aroun Ada ] That’s right! And for each load of my laundry that you do.. you’ll be that much closer to having your machine. and I wanna watch you do it. From now on, I wanna be a part of everything you clean!
[ images of Ada’s daughter doing cartwhheel along the beach, over critic quotes ]
Announcer: “Just like “The Piano”, but now the mute lady has a washing machine,” says Joel Seigel.
“I don’t know much about movies, but I’m told I’m supposed to like anything Jane Campion does.” Rex Reed.
“Small picture + artsy + Harvey Kietel = I love it!” Pia Lindstrom.
Gene Shalit says, “Wash, you fabulous mute. Wash!”
“I didn’t understand a minute of it, but I guess it’s great.” Jeffrey Lyons.
Michael Medved says, “Jeffrey Lyons told me it was great, so I love it!”
[ dissolve to Ada sitting on top the washing machine during a furious spin cycle, as Baines watches intensely ]
Baines: Aw, do it, Eda! Do it!
Ada’s Daughter: [ dancing spritely through the room ] La la la la…
Announcer: “The Washing Machine”. Even in the wildnerness.. her clothes would be clean.
…..Kevin Nealon Dick Vitale…..Jay Mohr Bennett Brauer…..Chris Farley
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.
President Clinton was seen wearing a back brace this week. White House sources say he may have pulled a muscle trying to toss Whitewater documents up into the rotor blades of the Presidential helicopter.
The Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press this week criticized the Clinton administration for lack of openness, press blackouts, and being unavailable to the media. The White House had no comment.
On Thursday, Tonya Harding pleaded guilty to criminal conspiracy and obstructing justice. I guess this Whitewater mess is bigger than we thought, huh? Jeez, it never stops!
A plea bargaining ended her career as an amateur skater, and also ended Jeff Gillooly’s career as an amateur hitman.
The plea bargaining ended her career as an amateur skater, and also ended Jeff Gillolly’s career as an amateur hitman.
Tonya recieved three years’ probation, was fined $100,000, and was ordered to do 500 hours of community service, followed by an extremely difficult triple-axle double-lutz combination.
After the sudden resignation of Webster Hubble this week, President Clinton nominated top Pentagon lawyer Janet Gorelick to fill the Justice Departments vacant #2 spot. Gorelick immediately prepared her resignation.
Well, Charles Kuralt announced his retirement Tuesday. That makes him the only prominent name to resign his job in the past two weeks who wasn’t in the Clinton administration.
Kevin Nealon: Earlier this week, President Clinton finally responded to the seven questions on everybody’s mind: Did he lie? Is Hillary guilty? Is he stonewalling? Were documents shredded? Is there a cover-up? Can he still fit into his Senior Prom tuxedo? And has he ever seen Lloyd Bentson naked? The President’s response..
President Clinton : [ stomping his fist on podium on video monitor behind Kevin ] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Well, Bob Packwood agreed to turn over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee this week. Packwood said, “It frightens me that our private thoughts can now be seized by the government.” A former female employee responded, “It frightened me that my private parts can be seized by an official of the government.”
Ross Perot was interviewed on the Larry King Show this week, where his mere presence confirmed the urgent need for a Health Care Plan that covers mental illness.
Kevin Nealon: And Bob Dole passed his annual physical with flying colors this week, and his doctors say there’s no reason the 70-year old senator can’t keep working for years to come.
President Clinton : [ stomping his fist on podium on video monitor behind Kevin ] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Kevin Nealon: Alright. Okay.
This week, the Creators Syndicate announced that, starting around the first of May, former Vice-President Dan Quayle will be doing a weekly-written column. The column will appear monthly.
Due to construction, the Information Superhighway will be closed until further notice.
Kevin Nealon: McDonald’s announced this week that, due to renovations, all their Washington, D.C. restaurants will be closed indefinitely.
President Clinton : [ stomping his fist on podium on video monitor behind Kevin ] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Kevin Nealon: Well, it’s mid-March and that cna only mean one thing – the Oscars. Here with his March Madness Oscar Awards Preview, is Dick Vitale. Dick?
Dick Vitale: [ extremely hyper ] Oh, yeahhh!! Thank you, Kevin! Oh, baby! March Madness!! You can feel it in the air, baby! Oh, yeah! The Oscars! March 21st! Dorothy Chandler Pavilion! It’s showtime, baby! Toughest region? Best Actress! No doubt about it, baby! Number-one seed is Holly Hunter in “The Piano”! Let’s see her in action! [ various clips from “The Piano” are played as a montage ] Look at her act! She’s silent but deadly! She ain’t talkin’ for no one! She’s just playin’ the piano! Ohhh!! The symbolism, baby! Oh, yeah! Holly’s chief competition is Emma Thompson! But don’t forget about the Kentucky Wildcats, guided by the little magician, Ricky Patino! In the end, though, Holly’s takin’ home the Oscar, baby!
Movin’ on to Best Actor, baby! Tom Hanks is finally invited to the big dance! And he’s got the number-one seed! Roll the clip, baby! [ various clips from “Philadelphia” are played as a montage ] Look at him act! They’re all over him, but you can’t keep ’em down, baby! He knows the law! That’s right! He’s got AIDS, baby! Nobody in this field’s close to Hanks! He gets the Oscar!
In Best Supporting Actor, Dickie V.’s picking Ralph Fiennes from “Schindler’s List”! This guy does it all! He shoots! He rebounds! He’s a Nazi!
And Best Supporting Actress? Best Supporting Actress! Surprise, surprise! Out of nowhere, it’s Purdue’s Glenn Robinson! Oh, yeah!
And, finally, it’s time for the biggie – Best Picture! Heading into the Final Four: I like North Carolina, Arkanas, “Schindler’s List”, and Arizona! And when the dust settles, it’ll be “Schindler’s List” over North Carolina at the buzzer!! Best Picture, baby! See you in Charlotte! I can’t wait to see what Geena Davis wears! Wheelin’ and dealin’, back to Kevin Nealon! Oh, yeah! Back to you, baby!
Kevin Nealon: [ wipes up desk with a sponge, then squeezes the “saliva” out over the desk ] Hey, say it, don’t spray it, Dick!
Dick Vitale: Take it easy, baby!
Kevin Nealon: Dick Vitale, everybody.
An Oscar footnote: Preparations are nearly complete for Monday night’s show. To keep things running smoothly, the producers have asked ticktholders standing in line not to cut in front of Jack Nicholson.
Incidentally, Steven Spielberg’s “Jurassic Park” has won the Flubby Award, as the year’s movie with the most mistakes. The most glaring error: dinosaurs no longer exist.
The Space Shuttle landed in Florida yesterday, in the middle of Spring Break. To fit in with the collegiate hijinks, Shuttle astronauts touched down with tunes blasting and their bare buns pressed against the windows.
Well, there’s a lot of controversy over this year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, here in New York. The two warring factions here were split over whether to get drunk and throw up before or after the parade. I think they split it up nicely.
Beijing. in another sign of Western influence in China, the first Chinese Hell’s Angels chapter was formed. The members of the group feel they will be taken more seriously when they get motorcycles.
Kevin Nealon: Tonight, Weekend Update is happy to welcome back with another commentary, Bennett Brauer. Bennett? What do you got for us?
Bennett Brauer: How are ya’? That’s right, Bennett Vrauer, back with another commentary. Thought you’d seen the last of old Bennett, perhaps? Thought the network bigwigs would have sent Bennett and his negative.. [ makes quotes signs with his fingers, as he does before every quotationed remark ] ..”Q rating” on a slow boat th ?? Well.. maybe I don’t.. “look the part”.. uh.. I’m not.. “svelte”.. I don’t.. “look comfortable on camera”.. I’m not.. “sobby”. I don’t.. “understand what’s going on in the news.” I’m not.. “likeable”.. I don’t.. “get along with people”.. uh.. when I go to work, I don’t.. “make eye contact”.. I guess I.. don’t.. “fit the mold”. I.. don’t.. “wear the latest clothes”.. ir, even ones that don’t.. “reek”! Uhh.. I don’t.. “change my underwear”.. uh.. I’m not “buff”.. uh.. I don’t have.. “firm breasts”.. uh.. I don’t.. “exercise”. And when I do sweat, I don’t.. “shower”. I’m not.. “spic-and-span”.. I don’t.. “clean the area between my crotch and legs”. But, for the time being, I guess the network.. “enforcers”.. are opting for my reproach, until Joe Consumer tells thems he’d rather get his two cents from commentators who don’t.. “make babies cry”.. and don’t.. “drink maple syrup straight from the bottle”.. and don’t.. [ as he makes the quotes sign with his fingers, wires pull him in the air to create the illusion that he’s made the gesture enough times to make him airborne ] ..”leave old, dried-up deodorant cakes under their arm for weeks at a time”.. and, uh.. I’m flying. I’m flying! I’m flying! [ the wires get caught in the lights atop the Update set, as Chris Farley hangs little more than three feet above the floor ] Holy Schnikes!
[ Kevin Nealon quickly gets up and attempts to untangle the wires from the lights ]
Kevin Nealon: You’re almost flying!
Chris Farley: Do something, please! [ laughing hysterically ] I have a weight problem! Can’t they lift me!
Kevin Nealon: [ laughing hysterically ] You’re almost flying!
Chris Farley: This is live television!
[ the wires finally untangled from the lights, Farley “flies” in the air and hovers above the audience to wild enthusiastic applause ]
Bennett Brauer: Back to YOU, Kevin! So of a —
Kevin Nealon: [ camera back on him as he continues to laugh at the incident ] Maybe the cables.. [ makes the quotes sign ] ..”didn’t clear the light”, ladies and gentlemen! Bennett Brauer, everyone. I’m happy for him – and I’m glad he’s gone!
This week marked the 115th anniversary of the birth of Albert Einstein. Einstein is best remembered not as the creator of the formula e=MC squared, but, rather, as the “guy with the hair”.
And celebrating birthdays today: people born on the 19th.
According to a recent survey, Mexican food is now the most popular ethnic food in America. In fact, many Mexican restaurants say that they had to add additional seating – mostly in their restrooms.
The Disney Company’s upset that some home video copies of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” have stop-frame shots of a nude, bottomless Jessica Rabbit. When asked how much of his wife was revealed, husband Roger Rabbit said, “Plllllllenty!”
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s.. news.. to me.
[ Bennett Brauer suddenly falls to the floor, crashing through a portion of the Update desk ]
Helen Hunt: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is something I’ve really wanted to do all of my life. Most of you probably know me from my television show “Mad About You”. [ audience applauds in recognition of the show ] Thank you. But, um.. I want you to know I didn’t just come out of nowhere. I’ve had a long and rather distinguished career in television. In fact, I would like to show you a few moments I’m especially proud of, from my “body of work”. Uh.. this first one is from when I was eight years old.
[ dissolve to an exterior scene from “Swiss Family Robinson”, as narrated by Helen Hunt ]
Helen Hunt V/O: This is, uh.. “Swiss Family Robinson”.. [ audience applauds again in recognition ] I’m Helga the orphan girl, here I am looking for seashells..
Helga (in clip): [ to the character played by Willie Aames ] This is a good one!
Helen Hunt V/O: [ mocking ] Sure. That’s, uh.. that’s Willie Aames, from “Eight Is Enough”. I learned a lot about acting from him.
[ Helga is tugged into the water ]
Helen Hunt V/O: Uh-oh!
Willie Aames (in clip): [ looking over ] What’s the matter?
Helga (in clip): [ pulls arm out of water to find two quills stuck to her skin ] Ugh! Look! [ Willie pulls the quills from Helga’s arm ]
Helen Hunt V/O: Ouch! Whoa! I still have the scars from that!
Helga (in clip): It stings..
Willie Aames (in clip): What was it?
Helga (in clip): Some kind of a water plant. It burns like fire.
[ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]
Helent Hunt: God. It’s funny, I’d forgotten just how good I was! Luckily, the people at “The Bionic Woman” saw my performance, and brought me in as a guest star when I was thirteen. And many fans of “The Bionic Woman” consider this the “definitive” episode, and I, for one, am not going to argue with them.
[ dissolve to an exterior scene from “The Bionic Woman”, as narrated by Helen Hunt ]
Bionic Woman (in clip): My name is Jamie Sims. I live over in Ojai. now, what’s your name?
Princess Aura (in clip): I’m Princess Aura. My home planet is Zorlon. It’s another planet on another solar system on the other side of the galaxy.
[ dissolve to exterior zoom on the Bionic Woman’s apartment window ]
Helen Hunt V/O: You know, when I watch this, even I believe I’m from outer space?
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, kitchen area, as mysterious foe materializes and zaps Princess Aura with laser; she falls against the refrigerator ]
Helen Hunt V/O: Yeah. I did my own stunt there!
[ angered, the Bionic Woman throws a head of lettuce at the mysterious foe, knocking the laser from his hand ]
[ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]
Helent Hunt: Thank you! I actually stll have that head of lettuce! So, two years later, my acting career reached what I like to think of as a turning point, when I starred in a hard-hitting Afterschool Special about the dangers of angel dust.
[ dissolve to “??” title card, which dissolves to chemistry lab scene, as narrated by Helen Hunt ]
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): Why don’t you just have a little snort?
Helen Hunt V/O: That’s the guy from “Hardbodies” there.
Sandy (in clip): No..
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): You don’t know what you’d be missing.
Helen Hunt V/O: Look at the turmoil on my face!
Sandy (in clip): Look, that whole trip’s just not for me, okay?
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): [ pleading ] Sandy.. don’t be a bummer. It’s no biggie.
Sandy (in clip): Are you sure it’s okay?
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): Trust me. Just call it an “experiment”. Honey..
[ Sandy takes a snort ]
[ cut to exterior shot, chemistry lab, as Sandy, screaming ferociously, suddenly comes crashing through the glass window. Students on the ground look up, as Sandy lands on the pavement, writhing and screaming ]
Helen Hunt V/O: Now, this is the kind of scene every actress dreams of! They just don’t make good roles for women like this any more!
[ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]
Helent Hunt: Thank you. I could never really tell if that movie was pro angel dust, or anti angel dust. Anyway, here I am today with a role on a quality prime-time show. So, here’s me and Paul Reiser – we’re having one of those silly little arguments all newlyweds have.
[ dissolve to scene from “Mad About You”, Paul and Jamie Buchman standing by a window ]
Paul Buchman (on clip): …otherwise, they’d be Fran.. and Mark. But, you know, they’re not – they’re Fran and Mark! [ looks out window ] Oh, look at that.
Jamie Buchman (on clip): What?
Jamie Buchman (on clip): It’s Fran and Mark.
[ Jamie takes a peek out the window ]
[ cut to previous clip from “”, as Sandy, screaming ferociously, suddenly comes crashing through the glass window. Students on the ground look up, as Sandy lands on the pavement, writhing and screaming ]
[ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]
Helent Hunt: Yes! There we go. Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show! Snoop Doggy Dogg is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Milton sits at a desk in a small room, overcrowded by stray boxes ]
Milton: Um.. I told Bill if they put one more box in here, I’m quitting. Um.. because I was told this stuff was suppossed to go in the priner room.. and-and.. and it’s a fire hazard. Um.. because, according to city regulations, there’s supposed to be a sprinkler system or a fire extinguisher on each floor. [ picks nose ] And I told Don, too, because I could make one call to the fire marshall and have this entire building shut down.. um-um.. if they don’t comply with the regulations. Um.. because when they installed the new refrigeration system, they took out the fire extinguisher a-and they never put it back! S-so, if they put one more box in here, I could have Don arrested.
[ distant footsteps approach the door ]
Mover’s Voice: So, where do you want this stuff?
Bill’s Voice: Uh.. just go ahead and throw it in there?
[ Milton raises his finger in quiet protest ]
Milton: W-well..
[ headphone-wearing mover appears in the doorway ]
Mover: In the closet here?
Bill’s Voice: Uh, no – in there on the left.
Mover: [ peeks into Milton’s “office” ] In here?
[ Bill appears behind the mover, casually holding his cup of coffee ]
Bill: Yeaaaah. Anywhere is fine.
Mover: Alright.
Milton: Um.. but.. w-well..
Bill: Oh, and, uh.. Bob?
Mover: Yeah?
Bill: If you’ve got any more boxes up there – yeeeeah – just go ahead and toss them in here. That would be terrific.
Milton: Um.. um..
Bill: In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and move all that junk up in the printer down here. It’s just taking up space. Mmmkay?
Mover: Alright.
Bill: Alright, thanks a bunch, Bob! Buh-bye! [ exits down the hall ]
Milton: Well..
[ the mover sings along to Kansas’ “Carry On My Wayward Son” on his walkman, as he dumps a couple of boxes onto a filing cabinet, destroying some of Milton’s belongings in the process ]
Milton: Excuse me..
[ his job finished, the mover flips the lights off as he exits down the hall ]
Milton: W-well.. okay, then. But.. I’m gonna blow up the entire building. And.. weaken the structure.
Gino…..David Spade Amy Tompkins…..Helen Hunt Frank Prescott…..Michael McKean
[ open on wide shot of a movie set, as actress Amy Tompkins enters with Gino the stagehand ]
Gino: You sure I can’t get you any breakfast, Amy? Coffee, or anything?
Amy Tompkins: No, nothing. I think I’m just.. a little nervous about meeting Mr. Prescott.
Gino: [ pours himself a cup of coffee ] Oh. Frank? He’s a great guy – best director I’ve ever worked with.
Amy Tompkins: I just love his movies! when I was a little girl, they showed “Beloved Stranger” on TV… and it really changed my life.
Gino: Great movie; great.. film.
Amy Tompkins: It made me want to become an actress. All of his films have this.. wonderful understanding of women’s emotions!
Gino: Absolutely. He’s kind of a man’s man in a lot of ways, but, uh.. he’s great with actresses, and I think you’ll like him. [ looks off screen ] And, I think.. he’s coming right now.
[ Director Frank Prescott and his sheer presence enters the set ]
Frank Prescott: Hey, Gino!
Gino: Morning, Boss!
Frank Prescott: How ya’ doin’? Give me some sugar here! Ha ha! [ gives gino a bear hug ] Who’s your pretty friend?
Amy Tompkins: [ flattered ] Amy Tompkins, Mr. Prescott!
Frank Prescott: Ah, I know who ya’ are! I was just teasin’ ya’! You happen to be, in this ol’ hack’s opinion, one of the finest actresses workin’ today!
Amy Tompkins: Oh, Mr. Prescott!
Frank Prescott: Ah! Frank.
Amy Tompkins: Frank. Amy.
Frank Prescott: Amy. [ turns his head ] Gino!
Gino: Boss!
Frank Prescott: Let’s get Peter and Skip to look at the line-up, alright?
Gino: Fly it in!
Amy Tompkins: I just want you to know what an honor it is to work with you.
Frank Prescott: Listen, I’d just like to thank you for giving me this chance. I know you pulled some strings to get me on this picture, and.. I.. I sure do appreciate it. [ he ambles over to his director’s chair in front of his crew ] Mornin’, boys!
Crewmembers: Boss! How ya’ doin’? Etc.
Frank Prescott: Let’s make a movie! [ swills alcohol from a metal flask in his jacket, then turns back to Amy ] O-kay. Now, the son of a bitch hasn’t called you in threee weeks, so you’re gonna call him because you’re afraid you might be knocked up and you’re pissed off! And, action!
[ Frank saunters casually over to his director’s chair, as Amy stands on the lighted set feeling a little overwhelmed ]
Amy Tompkins: Um.. could I just have a minute?
Frank Prescott: We’re just walking through it for the camera, honey.
Amy Tompkins: I know, I know. I just, um.. [ clears her head ] Okay. So, uh, should I enter from the kitchen and then go to the phone?
Frank Prescott: Oh, I don’t care where you come from, sweetie – my shot starts at the phone. Alright? Annnnnndd.. action! [ leans into his answering machine ]
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy picks up the phone and dials ]
Amy Tompkins: [ frustrated, sighs ] “Damn answering machine! You bet I’ll leave a message at the beep!”
[ farting sound effect is heard off-camera; Frank’s surrounding crew breaks into laughter, as Frank turns to smile and laugh with them ]
Frank Prescott: One of you boys bring a tree frog with you to work with you this morning? [ continues to laugh, then gets serious ] Alright, alright.. let’s go, Peaches – from where you’re leavin’ the message! And, action!
Amy Tompkins: Uh, Frank? Could I start from the top, please? From the dialing?
Frank Prescott: Aw, geez.. [ to a stangehand ] Check that cable, will ya’? [ walks over to Amy ] Yeah, honey, uh.. the movie’s not about dialing, you see? It’s about your pretty puss. [ brushes her cheek ] Alright?
Amy Tompkins: Yeah.. yeah. I’d like.. I’d like to do it from the top, please! Please? It would.. help me get a handle on it!
Frank Prescott: [ looks at his crew ] Alright, the lady needs a handle on it. Well.. o-kaaaaay. [ makes another farting sound effect with his mouth as he returns to his chair ] From the top, then. And.. act-ion!
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy picks up the phone and dials ]
Frank Prescott’s Voice: I got something with a handle on it for her!
[ Frank and his crew laugh off-camera, as Amy looks up confused ]
Amy Tompkins: What?!
Frank Prescott: I was talkin’ to my crew, missy! Tryin’ to find out if this shot’s gonna work or not. [ walks over to her again ] You know something? It’s 7:35 a.m. By this time, most professionals got a little something on film! Now, I know you’ve had a couple of hits in the past few years, but I’ve accidentally inhaled more film than you’ve ever had your face on!
Amy Tompkins: I’m not sayin’ —
Frank Prescott: Now, let’s just collect ourselves and take it again, shall we, little girl? [ returns to his director’s chair ]
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy picks up the phone and dials ]
Frank Prescott’s Voice: With a big handle on it!
Amy Tompkins: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I can’t do this!
Frank Prescott’s Voice: [ walks over to Amy ] Uh-oh, uh-oh! Check your calendar, boys, I think we got a little female lunar inadequacy here! [ chuckles with his crew ]
Amy Tompkins: [ fuming ] Mr. Prescott! You are without a doubt, the most obnoxious, vile and stupid man I’ve ever encountered on or off the sound stage! I went out on a limb for you, and now I feel like a fool! I can’t believe I —
Frank Prescott’s Voice: Roll ’em, Gino!
Gino: Rolling!
Frank Prescott’s Voice: [ takes his seat again ] Amy! Action!
[ cut to camera perspective – holds on phone, then rises up as Amy chargedly grabs the phone and dials ]
Amy Tompkins: Damn answering machine! You bet I’ll leave a message at the beep! Eddie? Are you there? We’ve gotta talk about something, Eddie! Something that could put two lives on hold for quite a while! And we’ve gotta talk about trust, Eddie! And responsibility! And.. just call me, Eddie! You owe me that much! [ slams the receiver down, breaks into a continuous sob ] I’ll be waiting..!
Gino’s Voice: Annnnnndd.. cut!
[ the entire crew applauds Amy’s performance ]
Amy Tompkins: Oh, my God! I’m shaking!
Gino: That’s great, that’s a print.
Amy Tompkins: Oh! I never knew what that scene was about before! [ rushes over to Frank ] Frank! Thank you! Bless you! [ Frank doesn’t respond because he’s out cold ] Is he alright?
Gino: Oh, yeah. I don’t think, uh, we’ll get much more out of him today, though. Hey, uh, you want me to all your driver?
Amy Tompkins: Uh.. sure. Is he always like this.
Gino: Yeah. That’s why he doesn’t get more work. He’s great with actresses, though.
Amy Tompkins: Yeah.. he really seems to understand. I’ll be in my trailer.
Steve Kangas…..Phil Hartman Ray Rio…..Rob Schneider Jack Killian…..Chris Farley Linda Coleman…..Helen Hunt Mack Panko…..Michael McKean Mr. Smith…..Norm MacDonald
Announcer: [ over program logo ] And now, “Profiles in Cowardice”. With your host, Steve Kangus.
[ dissolve to Steve Kangas, surrounded by his four guests ]
Steve Kangas: Hello again. Webster defines courage as “strength of will in the face of extreme danger.” With me tonight are five people who utterly lack that quality. Our first guest is a veteran of Operation Desert Storm, and his is probably the most.. remarkable story to come out of the Gulf War. Former U.S. Army Private first class, Ray Rio. Welcome to the show.
Ray Rio: Thank you.
Steve Kangas: Now.. you are the only U.S. serviceman.. to surrender to the Iraqis?
Ray Rio: That’s correct.
Steve Kangas: Operation Desert Storm was such a one-sided victory for us. Tell us how it is that.. you came to surrender. Where were you?
Ray Rio: I was in Union City, New Jersey. You see, I was actually on leave during the Gulf War.
Steve Kangas: And, who exactly did you surrender to?
Ray Rio: The owner of a news stand.. his wife.. and their 13-year old son.
Steve Kangas: And.. they were Iraqis?
Ray Rio: I don’t know for sure. When you’re in that situation, and you’re as big a coward as I am, you don’t wait to find out. I just handed over my dog tags, and told them as much military information as I could think of.
Steve Kangas: Well, I imagine this brought a lot of notoriety to you, didn’t it?
Ray Rio: Well, I was invited to the White House. Where I was slapped by Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf. And Barbara Bush spat at me.
Steve Kangas: And, how was it that President Bush referred to you?
Ray Rio: “Garbage wrapped in skin.”
Steve Kangas: Understandable. Our next guest is outdoorsman, Jack Killian. Now, Jack, I understand.. you have run in terror from over fifty bears.
Jack Killian: [ nods ] Yes, I have.
Steve Kangas: And, you have also run from a crocodile.
Jack Killian: Yes, I did. I-in Australia.
Steve Kangas: And I read that you have even run.. from a shark.
Jack Killian: [ smiling modestly ] Yes, uh.. I was standing on the beach, and I saw a fin about a hundred yards out. Well, I just turned around and ran and ran and ran, until I couldn’t run any more.
Steve Kangas: And how far did you run?
Jack Killian: [ thinking ] Umm.. about six miles. Uh.. a lot of it through heavy brush.. which I also found very scary.
Steve Kangas: What’s the smallest animal you’ve ever run from?
Jack Killian: Well.. that would probably be a baby chick, that was.. painted pink for Easter. I’m so G.D. terrified of that thing..
Steve Kangas: Have you ever run from children?
Jack Killian: Steve, I’ve run from children as young as six months.
Steve Kangas: Our next guest has a fascinating tale of personal weakness. Linda Coleman, tell us your story.
Linda Coleman: Well, I had just gotten divorced from my husband – he’s Iranian. And he kidnapped our daughter and took her back to Iran.
Steve Kangas: Wow! That must have been heartbreaking.
Linda Coleman: It was. I’ll never forget that day.
Steve Kangas: Now, what did you do?
Linda Coleman: What do you mean?
Steve Kangas: Well, did you ever go over there to.. get her back?
Linda Coleman: What, to Iran? Are you joking? This is Iran. Does this ring a bell? [ raises blouse over face and chants like a deranged Iranian woman, startling Jack Killian seated next to her ] I mean, come on! Get real! I can have other daughters!
Steve Kangas: Well, few mothers.. would have done what you did. Our next guest is retired police officer, Mack Panko. And, Mack, you were involved in a very dramatic case.
Mack Panko: Well, I wouldn’t say “involved”, no.
Steve Kangas: Well, tell us what happened.
Mack Panko: Alright. Uh.. twenty years ago, I was walking through Flatbush in Brooklyn, and, uh, I saw this woman being attacked.
Steve Kangas: Ooh, so what did you do?
Mack Panko: I froze.. and I-I hid between two parked cars until I was sure the attack was over.
Steve Kangas: Then, you.. called the police?
Mack Panko: No! I was terrified the attacker might be watching.
Steve Kangas: Well, you were off-duty, so you didn’t have your gun.
Mack Panko: Yes, and no. Funny story about that. I, uh, was actually returning a gun I had borrowed from a friend.
Steve Kangas: So, you did have a gun?
Mack Panko: Yeah! you know, I guess I did!
Steve Kangas: Now, that is a Profile in Cowardice. Our final guest is in the Witness Protection program, so his appearance has been electronically altered. We’ll just call him Mr… Smith.
Mr. Smith: [ his face digitally blurred, but still adequately recognizable ] No, no, not Smith!
Steve Kangas: Oh, sorry! Okay, uh.. Mr…. S.
Mr. Smith: [ shakes his head ]
Steve Kangas: Uh.. how did you wind up in the Witness Protection program? Did you testify against mob figures?
Mr. Smith: No, no. I just heard about the program on TV, and, uh.. it seemed like a great idea. I didn’t know if anybody was after me or not, but.. better safe than sorry!
Steve Kangas: Uh-huh. How’s it working out for you?
Mr. Smith: Well, I’m not too crazy about living in Memphis — [ winces ] Oh, geez!
Linda Coleman: Ha! Memphis? Try Iran. Hello? Iran? [ raises blouse over her face again and chants like a deranged Iranian woman. She startles Jack Killian seated next to her, who bolts off-screen to escape his terror ]
Steve Kangas: Well, I see our time has run out – as has Mr. Killian. I’d like to say thank you to my remaining guests, and I hope you’ll join us next time on.. “Profiles in Cowardice.”
Air Date:
Dwight Yoakam, “Pocket of a Clown”
