SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Once again — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Stuck inside these four walls, sent inside forever
Never seeing no one nice again like you
Mama you, mama you.

If I ever get out of here
Thought of giving it all away
To a registered charity
All I need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here
(If we ever get out of here).

Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash as we fell into the sun
And the first one said to the second one there: “I hope you’re having fun!”

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching everyone
For the band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh, seeing no one else had come!
And a bell was ringing in the Village Square for the rabbits on the run!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching every one
For the band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Well, the night was falling as the desert world began to settle down
In the town they’re searching for us everywhere but we never will be found!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!

And the county judge, who held a grudge
Will search forevermore
For the band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Jet!
Jet!
Jet!

I can almost remember their funny faces
That time you told them that you were going to be marrying sooooon
And Jet! I thought the only lonely face was on the moon!

Jet!
Jet!
Jet!

Was your father as old as the Sergeant Major?
Well, how come he told you that you’re hardly old enough yet?
And Jet! I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater… much later.

Whoo — she said!

Jet!

And Jet! I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater… much later.

Hey — she said!

Jet!

With the wind in your hair of a thousand laces
Climb on the back and we’ll go for a ride in the sky
And Jet! I thought that the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

And Jet! Don’t you know that I —
Don’t you know that I thought you was a lady suffragette!

Jet!”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney
…..Paul Brittain

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Wow! Whoo! Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much! It is so great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time! The first time, I was nervous. But, uh, I must have sone something right because, this time, when I walked into the studio, there were all these people lined up in the freezing cold, chanting “Paul! Paul! Paul!” All for me — Paul Rudd! And those fans, they’re intense. One lady sat there crying, just because she was, like, in my presence. Can you imagine? Then someone yelled out “Yesterday!” [ he shrugs ] Which I guess it was a reference to this NPR interview I gave yesterday. I didn’t even think anyone was listening to that! To be hoest, though, some of those fans know a little too much about me. Uh — one guy screamed out: “Her Majesty!” Which, uh, is my nickname on movie sets by the crew. I don’t know how he found out about it. Internet, I guess. But, most of all, they were just screaming my name: “Paul! Paul! Paul!” It was an INCREDIBLE experience —

[ the audience screams and cheers wildly as Paul McCartney appears onstage and shakes Rudd’s hand ]

Paul Rudd: It’s really amazing to be here with you, Sir Paul — [ a light goes on in his head ] OHHHH!!! Oh, I know — right! They were cheering for you. They were cheering for you.

Paul McCartney: Well, I was cheering for you. I LOVED “Role Models”.

Paul Rudd: Awwww! That’s… that’s so nice! Oh, thank you so much. No disrespect, man — I’m just glad to clear up this whole “Paul” business.

[ Paul Brittain appears onstage ]

Paul Brittain: Yo, yo, yo! Featured player Paul Brittain is in the mother-freakin’ house! [ the audience obliges him with applause ] Yeah! Yeah! And, uh, people — [ he notices Rudd’s cold stare ] Oh. Oh. Right.

[ Paul Brittain exits quickly ]

Paul McCartney: He seemed nice.

Paul Rudd: Yeah. He’s new. [ to the audience ] Well, anyway… we’ve got a great show.

Paul McCartney: And all sorts of Pauls are here!

[ the audience cheers ]

Paul Rudd: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Well, this won’t be topped! Thank you so much! Thank you very much to the cast, the crew… [ humbly ] Paul McCartney. [ to McCartney ] One more?

Paul McCartney: One more!

Paul Rudd: One more!

[ Paul McCartney rushes to the musical guest stage and breaks into a round of “Get Back” ]

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner
But he knew it couldn’t last
Jojo left his home in Tucson, Arizona
For some California grass.

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, Jojo!
Go home!

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, Jo!

Sweet Loretta Martin thought she was a woman
But she was another man
All the girls around her say she’s got it coming
But she get it while she can!

So get back –”

[ cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Feline Culinary Creations

Woman…..Abby Elliott
Chef…..Paul Brittain
Chef…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on woman petting her pussycat on the couch ]

Announcer: Every member of your family deserves the best — even your cat.

[ dissolve to fancy restaurant kitchen ]

Announcer: That’s why we at Pet Chalet asked a panel of premier European chefs to create the ULTIMATE menu.

[ dissolve to product display ]

Announcer: Introducing Feline Culinary Creations.

[ dissolve to meals being prepared in fancy pans on the stove ]

Announcer: Handcrafted gourmet meals you can proudly bring to your cat’s table. Recipes like: Filet Au Poivre with Shiitake Demi-Glace.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it ]

Announcer: Salmon Carpaccio with Lobster Medallions.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it and splashes in all directions ]

[ one of the chefs blows a kiss to his creation ]

Announcer: A trio of Braised Lamb, Venison Ravioli and Broccoli Rabe.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it ]

Announcer: Sweet and Sour Crab with Myerlemon Bok Choy.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food slides out of the package and is scraped out by hand ]

[ one of the chefs taste her own creation and savors the experience ]

Announcer: So show your cat what fine dining is all about.

[ the woman places a fancy plate of cat food onto her coffee table, as her cat jumps up to enjoy his meal ]

[ the woman toasts a glass of wine to her cat, who toasts a glass right back at her ]

Announcer: Feline Culinary Creations. For the love of your cat.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Broadway Cares

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Paul Rudd
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stage, as Paul Rudd approaches Mike Underballs ]

Mike Underballs: Paul Rudd, hey! Mike Underballs! I’m the director.

Paul Rudd: It’s really nice meeting you, Mr. Underballs.

Mike Underballs: “Mr. Underballs” is my dad — call me Mike! We’re so glad to have you doing this benefit show. Broadway Cares is an amazing cause.

Paul Rudd: I’m happy to help.

Mike Underballs: So you know how the night works — everyone’s performing their favorite songs from a Broadway musical. [ Rudd nods ] And you’re doing “Willkommen” from “Cabaret”?

Paul Rudd: Yeah. The MC. It’s my dream role.

Mike Underballs: Alright. Well, why don’t we just take it from the top?

Paul Rudd: I do have one idea. Is it possible for me to do it in a spotlight?

Mike Underballs: Absolutely! I love it. [ he looks upward ] Hey, Jeff? Jeff? Uh, we’re gonna need a spotlight on this one! Is that okay?

[ up in the rafters, Jeff is preoccupied with his newspaper, but glances down ]

Jeff: Hey, you really want my opinion?!

Mike Underballs: Hey, l-let’s just do it, buddy.

[ Jeff folds his newspaper, shrugs, and turns on the spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Okay, here we go. Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight remains where it’s pointed ]

[ Rudd runs back into the spotlight, but is rattled from his performance ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I-I’m sorry. Could we just stop for a second?

Mike Underballs: Jeff! Jeff! You gotta FOLLOW him!

Jeff: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike! You know, my mind must be elsewhere. I saw “Tangled” again this week, and, uh, you know, I’m still thinking through it! Yeah, that thing’s like an animated “Inception”!

Mike Underballs: No prob. Jeff, you’re the BEST!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, well, when I move from my first position, just follow me. Otherwise, people won’t be able to see me.

Jeff: [ blinking his eyes for a beat ] Oh, is that how LIGHT works?!

Mike Underballs: Jeff!

Jeff: No, Mike, this is great! I love this! This is great! Thomas Edison is gonna tell us how LIGHT works!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!! Just follow him with the spot.

Jeff: Hey! You’re the BOSS, Mike! It’s YOUR vision, baby!

Paul Rudd: [ concerned ] Hey, I didn’t upset him, did I?

Mike Underballs: No, no, no — he’s fine. Alright, from the top!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight breezes past and leaves Rudd in the dark ]

[ the spotlight then pans to Stage Right, as Rudd breathlessly tries to catch up with it ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I’m sorry! Stop! Stop! Could we just please stop?

Mike Underballs: What’s going on, Paul, what’s going on?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s just — he’s moving the spot all around! It’s RIDICULOUS!

Jeff: Hey, Mike! You know what’s ridiculous? Paul Rudd trying to be the MC from “Cabaret”!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEEFFFFF!!!!

Jeff: Nah, I’m serious! I thought MC stood for Master of Ceremony — not Mediocre CACA!!

Mike Underballs: Kaka’s with a “K”, Jeff!

Jeff: Nahhhh, Kaka’s spelled with an “R” — R-U-D-D!

Mike Underballs: [ chuckling ] Hey, that’s funny! [ to Rudd ] That’s your last name!

Jeff: I GOT GOOD IDEAS, TOO, MIKE!!

Mike Underballs: I know you do, Jeff!

Paul Rudd: Hey, what’s your PROBLEM, man?!

Jeff: Hey! Listen up, “Clueless”! Alright? You perform this thing this way, one day you’re gonna run into Joel Grey at the gym and he’s gonna hop up on a box and punch you in the NUTS!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFFF!!!! [ a beat ] If you’re gonna go there, PLEASE keep it out of the gutter!

Paul Rudd: [ dumbfounded ] What?! “If you’re gonna go there”?!

Jeff: Hey, I gotcha, Mike! I know what you’re saying! Be the change you want to see in the world! Right?

Mike Underballs: Right, Jeff. Think Gandhi!

Jeff: Hey! You GOT IT, buddy! I’ll humor this dick!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!!!

Jeff: Hey, nice catch! You’re right, I slipped!

Paul Rudd: Hey, you know what? I’m gonna make it easy — I’m NOT gonna move! I’m gonna stay PUT!

Jeff: Yeah! You should have stayed AT HOME!!

Mike Underballs: [ frustrated ] Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ as Rudd stays put, the spotlight shrinks and shrinks until it only shines on Rudd’s crotch ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on! Would you — look, look at this!

[ Mike pokes his head in front of the tiny crotch spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Jeff, what are we thinking here?!

Jeff: [ shtugs ] Uh, you know, I thought I’d draw attention to the guy’s CROTCH, ’cause he’s singing like such a big PUSSY!

Mike Underballs: JEEFFFF!!!

Paul Rudd: You know what? THAT’S IT!! I’m outta here!!

[ Rudd stomps away ]

Mike Underballs: Ohhh, great! Now what are we gonna do?

Jeff: Hey! I’ll show you what we’re gonna do! BEEETTHH!! Hit me with that spotlight!

[ a spotlight shines on Jeff, as he grabs a hat, drapes a fishnet leg over the railing and begins to sing “Willkommen” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 11th, 2010

Paul Rudd

Paul McCartney

None

None

None

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: After being held hostage by the Republican Party, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) willingly authorizes tax cuts for the rich.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Rudd’s MonologueSummary: Paul Rudd mistakenly thought fans chanting “Paul! Paul!” outside the building were interested in him, until he realizes his musical guest is Paul McCartney.

Transcript

Feline Culinary CreationsSummary: Succulent gourmet dishes are used as the inspiration for the wet square glop that ends up in finicky cats’ dinner bowls.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd) greet Romanian relatives (Nasim Pedrad, Paul Brittain) with wet, sloppy kisses over Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Santa Claus.

What’s That Name?Summary: Game show contestants (Paul Rudd, Vanessa Bayer) recognize third-tier celebrities, but can’t recall the little people like a building doorman (Kenan Thompson) and cleaning lady (Kristen Wiig) who are a part of their daily lives.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last month’s episode hosted by Scarlett Johansson.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Paul Rudd are “Stumblin'” through life, with a tiny harmonica interlude courtesy of Paul McCartney.

Julian Assange in PrisonSummary: From prison, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange (Bill Hader interrupts a MasterCard ad to threaten his return to do personal harm against favorite Internet web sites.

Recurring Characters: Julian Assange.

Transcript

Sexually SpeakingSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Paul McCartney join Seth Meyers for a Weekend Update Audio Caption by Prince Charles and Camilla. Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate New York hotspots for families on Christmas vacation.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Holiday JamSummary: Math teacher (Paul Rudd) makes bad puns as the school principal (Jay Pharoah) gets overemotional about the school mascot.

Meryl Streep On IceSummary: Despite lack of experience, Meryl Streep (Abby Elliott) is a beloved genius when she straps on a pair of ice skates and performs at Madison Square Garden.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”Lyrics

Broadway CaresSummary: Paul Rudd’s efforts to perform a solo from “Cabaret” is interrupted by stagehand Jeff’s (Jason Sudeikis) antics with the spotlight.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “A Day in the Life” / “Give Peace a Chance”Lyrics

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.

Job FairSummary: Recruiters (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) interview a series of nervous and/or weird people and Paul McCartney for an available computer job.

BlackjackSummary: Blackjack dealer doesn’t properly deal the cards to players.

The Giving TreeSummary: Storyteller (Paul Rudd) goes nuts while reading a Christmas story to kids.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

WikiLeaks: TMZ

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader
Writer #1…..Andy Samberg
Moammer Kaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Prostitute…..Kristen Wiig
Writer #2…..Paul Brittain
Hamid Karzai…..Robert DeNiro
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Writer #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. Uhhhh — uh, yesterday I traveled to Afghanistan, uh, to speak with our brave men and women serving in the armed services. Uhhh — while the way forward may be difficult, and there are —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange ]

Julian Assange: Hello, America. I’m Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, and I’ve taken over your airways. This week, my organization released thousands of cables revealing embarrassing details about the international diplomatic community. The leaks did not inspire revolution as I had hoped, so tonight I present a new WikiLeaks… where the leaks are even more embarrassing, and the details are even more sordid. Welcome to:

[ FLASHING SUPER: “WikiLeaks: TMZ” ]

[ dissolve to staff meeting ]

Julian Assange: So, where are we at today, guys? [ the staff is silent ] Looking for world leaders behaving badly. Come on!

Writer #1: Yeah. so, like, you know how one of the leaked cables says Kaddafi has a Ukranian nurse who never leaves his side?

Julian Assange: Yes. That was a juicy leak, yeah.

Writer #1: Yeah. Well, this nurse is a [ he makes obscene sound effects ] And our guys caught them leaving a hot new Bolivian restaurant. Check it.

[ footage plays of Kaddafi leaving restaurant with a prostitute ]

Voice: Hey, Moammer! Moamer Kaddafi! What’s up, man?

Moammer Kaddafi: I’m just finishing dinner.

Voice: Who’s the lady?

Moammer Kaddafi: Where’s the car? She’s my nurse.

Voice: She’s pretty hot for a nurse.

Moammer Kaddafi: [ nervous ] Where’s the car?! What did you say?

Voice: I said, she’s pretty hot for a nurse.

Prostitute: I am nurse.

Moammer Kaddafi: She’s just nurse! Abdul! Car!

Prostitute: And, also, prostitute.

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting, staff members high-fiving one another ]

Julian Assange: Alright, alright, good stuff! Good stuff. Good stuff. But he’s an easy target. More! Feed me! Come on!

Writer #2: Uhhhh, hey! So, uh, you know how these cables keep saying Afghanistan’s really corrupt and you can’t get anything done unless you bribe someone in the government?

Julian Assange: Of course. Yeah.

Writer #2: Well… our guys caught up with President Hamid Karzai leaving ?? last night, and, uh… I think it kind of speaks for itself!

[ footage plays of Karzai leaving location ]

Voice: So your boy Obama was in Afghanistan. Did you get to see him?

Hamid Karzai: I did?

Voice: Did he ask you all about the bribery in your administration?

Waiter: Sir! You forgot your briefcase.

Hamid Karzai: [ stern ] I do not take bribes!

[ Karzai takes the briefcase, which pops open and spills money to the ground ]

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting ]

Julian Assange: What an idiot. Good work. But what I really want for Christmas… is a takedown of Hillary clinton!

Writer #3: [ smarmy ] Well, ho ho ho! Your wishes are answered. One of our sources sent us a video that has to be seen to be believed.

Julian Assange: Who’s the source?

Writer #3: It’s top secret. But they shot it, they sent it to us, and you have NEVER seen Hillary Clinton like this before!

[ footage plays of Secret Service agents opening a limosine door to Hillary Clinton ]

Hillary Clinton: [ yapping on a cell phone ] What part of “spying on the UN” DON’T you understand? I want everything: hair samples, fingerprints, where they buy their groceries. [ she leans forward to exit the vehicle, revealing a pixelated crotch shot with no panties ] We’re the United States of America — we can do whatever we want! [ she sees the camera ] Hey! Are you filming me?!

[ the camera spins around to reveal its operator — Vice-President Joe Biden ]

Joe Biden: Hey-ohhh!! You just got BIDENED!! Ha ha!!

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting ]

Staff: Whoaaaaaa!!

Writer #1: Schnap!!

Julian Assange: Indeed. [ to the camera ] So there you have it, America. Truth, courtesy of Julian Assange. [ the lights dim ] Do I suck a little bit? I do. Yeah. Can you try me for treason? You can’t, because I’m from Australia. But nice try, dummies. In closing, I want to remind you all: [ smugly ] No matter how I die… it was murder. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

From the Garden with Mr. Produce

Tony Sicilia…..Robert DeNiro
Anthony…..Andy Samberg

[ open on show set, with title graphic on screen ]

Announcer: It’s “From the Garden”, with Mr. Produce himself, Tony Sicilia.

Tony Sicilia: Hi! Hi! Hello, everybody, and welcome to “From the Garden”! I’m Tony Sicilia. It may be December, but my California garden is still teeming with tasty products like these sweet potatoes right here. They’re loaded with Vitamin A, so what do you say we pump up the yams? I’m just gonna cut this yam. [ he slices the yam, revealing a moldy center ] Whoops! It looks like some potato bugs started eating this one already. Uh — [ he tosses the yam scraps over his shoulder ] I’ll cut another one. [ he slices another yam, but it’s also moldy ] Ah, for the love of — Where’s my son? [ he glances off-camera ] ANTHONY! Anthony!

[ Tony’s bored, college-aged son, Anthony, sidles onto camera ]

Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the potatoes last week when I was in New York to do the “Today” show?

Anthony Sicilia: [ angsty ] I don’t know, did I?

Tony Sicilia: It looks as if you did not.

Anthony Sicilia: Is that how it looks?

Tony Sicilia: You should have. [ he tosses the yam scrap over his shoulder ]

Anthony Sicilia: Should I have?

Tony Sicilia: We’ll talk about this later.

Anthony Sicilia: Will we?

Tony Sicilia: [ rubbing Anthony’s head ] Why don’t you skedaddle on out of here so your dad can do his show, okay?

Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I should do? Skedaddle?

[ Anthony squeezes a guava, as Tony shoves him off-camera ]

Tony Sicilia: That, of course, is Anthony, my oldest son who is home from college right now. And he’s been helping me in the garden. [ continuing ] Okay, so another one of my favorite vegetables is the winter squash. This one is a biggie, ’cause you can call it a sas-squash. And the first thing I like to do is to cut these in half, as I am doing. [ he struggles to cut the squash, finally revealing a soggy, moldy center ] Ah, you son of a BITCH! Anthony, you’re killing me! ANTHONY!!

[ Anthony steps forward ]

Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the squash when I asked you to?!

Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know, did I?

Tony Sicilia: Black mealworms have totally invaded this squash!!

Anthony Sicilia: Is that what they’ve totally done? Invaded it?

Tony Sicilia: You need to check your attutide, son.

Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I need to do?

[ Anthony squeezes a roma tomato and exits off-camera ]

Tony Sicilia: [ he tosses the squash scrap over his shoulder ] You know, you miht be racking your brains out at my son who would still be home for Thanksgiving break. It’s a new holiday he invented, called “College is Too Hard That Day”. You know, the way you celebrate it is taking your father’s hard-earned money and wiping your ass with it.

Anthony Sicilia: [ poking in for a moment ] Is that how you celebrate it?

Tony Sicilia: [ throwing vegetables at Anthony off-camera ] I’m gonna… take you on a PLANE… and I’m going to a COUNTRY… where a BEATING… a CHOKING… is ENCOURAGED!!! [ regaining his composure ] You know what else is really delicious? Jerusalem artichokes. And they aren’t really artichokes at all, they’re edible tubers. And these… are like — [ the artichoke crumbles in his hands ] Dry as dust. ANTHONYYY!!!

Anthony Sicilia: What’s up!

Tony Sicilia: I’ll TELL you what’s UP! Did you even water the garden while I was away?!

Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know. Did I do that?

Tony Sicilia: If you answer my questions with a question one more time, I’m gonna shove a TURNIP right up your ying-yang!

Anthony Sicilia: [ shaking his head ] You know what, Dad? You spend all your time nurturing vegetables and running off to the “Today” show… but you NEVER take the time to ask me real questions. Like: “Are you afraid to admit you’re hacing a tough time at college, son?”

Tony Sicilia: [ softening ] Anthony… I didn’t realize!

Anthony Sicilia: Maybe you should ask yourself: “Have you watered your son lately?” “Have you sprayed him so he doesn’t get EATEN ALIVE by the caterpillars of college pressure?”

Tony Sicilia: I’m so sorry!

Anthony Sicilia: [ sobbing ] Is that what you are?

Tony Sicilia: YES!! I am!

[ they hug each other affectionately, then begin to punch and pound each other in the back and practically strangle one another ]

Tony Sicilia: [ to the camera ] Next week, we’ll be talking about CIDER!

Anthony Sicilia: Oh, is that what we’ll be talking about?! Cider?!

Tony Sicilia: Yeah! Come here, you little bastard!!

[ they tumble to the floor to settle the matter ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Robert DeNiro’s Monologue

…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!

Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.

[ DeNiro stares him down ]

Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!

Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?

Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?

[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]

Audience Member #2: Hey!

Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.

Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!

Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.

[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]

Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts