Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Philadelphia city at right top corner]Michael Che: A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of South Korean flag at left top corner.]Colin Jost: South Korean’s parliament has voted to impeach president Park Geun-Hye, the country’s first female president over a corruption scandal. You know, it’s hard not to look this story and think, “That could have been us.”
[Michael Che laughing]Cool! Well, it’s dress-rehearsal.
[Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to a glove and a diamond ring]A woman in Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on at a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to her finger.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of aMichael Che: Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So, not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Like, laid off factory workers became truck drivers because those truck ain’t gonna drive themselves. Well, guess what? In about two years, those trucks are going to start driving themselves.
[Picture changes to a Santa]And white people freaking out over another news. The mall in America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage in social media. You know, having a black mall Santa sounds like a really nice idea until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like the toddler is a racist. Now, I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he has given America a couple of hundred years of free labor. It sound pretty black to me.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Santa at left top corner.]Colin Jost: I gotta say I think Santa’s black too, coz the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.
[Picture changes to Joslyn Wildenstein]Joslyn Wildenstein known as the cat woman for extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.
[Picture changes to a caduceus]And a new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So, you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym!