NATO Cafeteria Cold Open

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Justin Trudeau… Jimmy Falon

Emmanuel Macron… Paul Rudd

Boris Johnson… James Corden

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Egils Levits… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Stront

[Starts with a narrator narrating]

Narrator: This week, during the NATO conference in London, foreign leaders were caught on a hot mic making fun of President Trump. This included Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, French President Emmanuel Macron and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who Trump had considered a friend. Some dismissed it as petty high school gossip, but you should have seen what happened in the NATO cafeteria.

[Cut to the NATO cafeteria]

Chloe: Oh, hey Denmark.

Heidi: Hey, Norway. NATO conference has been hella ride this year.

Chloe: Totally. So international and fun.

Heidi: Oh, my god. Look, it’s Trudeu and Macron. They’re so cool.

[Cut to Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron walking in with their lunch.]

[cheers and applause]

Emmanuel Macron: Bonjour!

Justin Trudeau: Hey, sorry.

[Cut to Heidi and Chloe]

Chloe: Oh, my god, wow. And I guess, Boris Johnson is hanging out with them now, too.

[Cut to Boris Johnson walking in and joining Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron]

[cheers and applause]

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha, rather!

Emmanuel Macron: Come on. Let’s get some lunch. Maybe even a little bit of wine because we are bad boys.

[They walk to a lunch table where a Romanian is sitting]

Justin Trudeau: [bullying] Romania, scram!

[Romanian leaves the table]

Romanian: Sorry. Hey, you guys. I love your economy.

Emmanuel Macron: Away, geek!

Boris Johnson: Yeah, why don’t you Brexit outta here, Dweeb? Ha-ha-ha.

[Romanian leaves]

Justin Trudeau: OMG. Is that supposed to be a joke bBris? You’re being so cringe right now.

Boris Johnson: Yeah, no. I know. It was dumb of me. I’m sorry guys.

Justin Trudeau: You’re always sorry. You just got to try keep up. That’s what it’s like to hang out with cool guys.

[Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau takes their combs out of their pockets and start combing their hair]

Boris Johnson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [He spits on his hands and fixes his hair with his hands]

Emmanuel Macron: Shh! Quiet! Look, it’s Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Emmanuel Macron: Did you see him speak for 45 minutes the other day? It was just supposed to be a photo.

Justin Trudeau: Well, if I looked like him, I’d try to distract the photographer, too.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, he’s not good looking like us three.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey, guys, is this seat taken?

Justin Trudeau: Sorry, actually, it is.

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, we would love to see you talk and chew at the same time, but we promised this to a friend.

Donald Trump: Well, I’m Boris’ friend. Right, Boris?

[Boris Johnson is looking away]

Boris Johnson: Don’t make this harder than it already is— I’m hanging out with these guys now.

Justin Trudeau: Why don’t you sit over there, Donald? With Latvia?

[Cut to Egils Levits sitting dumbly]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes. Latvia seems more your speed.

Donald Trump: Okay, well, let’s hang out later on then, okay?

Justin Trudeau: Oh, definitely. Yeah, hey, by the way, you look thin. Have you lost weight?

Donald Trump: Actually I’ve gained quite a bit.

Emmanuel Macron: Well, it does not show. You look good.

Boris Johnson: And that tie. What is it made of?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chinese chemicals. It is a clip-on, top and bottom.

[Cut to everybody]

Emmanuel Macron: Very cool. Well, Au Revior.

Justin Trudeau: Oh, my god! That guy’s a mess.

Emmanuel Macron: Did you hear him talk about climate change the other day? He said we need stronger toilets.

Emmanuel Macron: He’s like dumber than Boris.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. He is! Ha-ha! He’s dumber than me!

Emmanuel Macron: Quick, quick. Wave so he thinks we like him.

[Three of them wave at Donald Trump]

[Cut to Egils Levits and Donald Trump. Donald Trump is putting a lot of sugar on his drink.]

Donald Trump: [Talking to Egils Levits] These are my best friends. We run this place.

Eglis Levits: Oh, that’s nice. Hi, my name is Egils Levits but you can call me Egg. Would you like to try some of my pickled squid?

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That’s great Ted!

Eglis Levits: Okay, so this one time in Latvia, we fed the wolvering snaps, and he went nuts! Ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. I’m at the loser’s table. I can’t believe they made me sit with the foreign guy.

Eglis Levits: Hey, this is NATO. We’re all foreign.

Donald Trump: Okay, Fred, please, I’m trying to listen in here.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Justin Trudeau: So, Boris, Macron and I were talking. We think that you should throw a party. This weekend. At Buckingham palace.

Boris Johnson: Well, that’s, that’s the queen’s house.

Emmanuel Macron: Ah, do it, Boris! Unless, you’re not cool enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Did somebody say something about a party?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Oh! I don’t think your would want to go. You’d have to walk upstairs.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and the food is all high quality but small portions. It’s your nightmare.

Boris Johnson: Yeah. You like younger women. This party’s only got Macron’s wife. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Emmanuel Macron: What did you say?

Boris Johnson: Nothing. No, I’m just saying because your wife is older.

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha-ha! That’s good. I like when it’s mean but not about me. So, should I sit with you guys? Because this seat is still not taken.

Emmanuel Macron: No, it’s actually, it’s for someone else. Angela! Angela!

[Cut to Angela eating her meal]

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: We saved you a seat.

[Cut to Angela not believing]

Angela Merkel: Is this happening? I’m actually about to sit at the cool kids table? Okay. Just relax, Angela. Should I bring my flugelhorn? No, I must leave this behind. I must leave it all behind because I am cool now.

[Angela sands and walks to them]

Well, maybe one strudel. Hey, so— What’s up, my dudes? Sorry, Donald, you Shnoogan, you loogan. Hello fello cool kids. Soybean tariffs, am I right?

Justin Trudeau: Hey, Angela, you know who might be coming to our party? Obama!

[Cut to Angela freaking out]

Angela Merkel: Barack!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and you like-like him? What? No. Obama? Eww, he’s like gross. I definitely did not draw his face on my body pillow or anything.

[Cut to everyone]

Justin Trudeau: And Donald, I heard someone likes you too.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Really, who?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Putin.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Boris, do the signs.

Boris Johnson: Oh!

[Boris Johnson stands and walks away]

[Cut to everybody]

Boris Johnson: Well, you know, you better get back to Latvia, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes. Okay, I’ll see you at the party later.

Justin Trudeau: Yeah, totally. It’s under the London Bridge.

[Donald Trump walks away. Boris Johnson stuck a message sign on Donald Trump’s back that says ‘Impeach Me!’]

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: It’s under the London Bridge, but you have to show up naked too.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Egils Levits]

Donald Trump: Okay. I’ll see you guys there. Thanks.

Eglis Levits: Hey, you know, those guys aren’t your friends. They’re mean.

Donald Trump: Well, they’re just kidding around. They love me.

[Donald Trump is shedding tears]

Eglis Levits: Are you crying?

Donald Trump: I just have a little cheeseburger in my eye.

Eglis Levits: You know, you guys really are jerks, okay? [Cut to everybody] You’re all two-faced, and I’m not getting impeached. It’s all a sham. Well, speaking of faces, I’ve heard you can’t get impeached if your hand is bigger than your face.

Donald Trump: Really?

[Donald Trump tried to compare his face and palm, but Justin Trudeau hits him on his face]

[everybody laughing]

Angela Merkel: What a nerd!

[everybody laughing]

[everybody stops moving as if the video is paused]

[Melania Trump walks in with a remote]

Melania Trump: Hello, I am Melania Trump. Bullying is a serious problem. Especially against president Trump. It’s not nice. He would never do it to you. So, please, European leaders, be best. Oh, and I’d also like to tell you about peloton. Are you a scared woman who is traveling inside the mansion? Why not imaging biking away from it all. On Peloton. Merry Christmas to me. Oh and—

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night