Vanessa Bayer
Beck Bennett
Malcom… Drake
Duan… Jay Pharoah
[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.
Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.
Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.
[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?
Vanessa: Um, a little bit.
Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]
Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.
Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.
Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.
Beck: What?
Vanessa: What’s the good news?
Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.
Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?
Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.
Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.
Beck: Please get your manager.
Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.
Beck: Excuse me.
[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?
Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.
Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.
Malcolm: Huh?
Duan: Where are our cars?
Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.
Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.
[Duan turns around and starts walking away]Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?
Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful
Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?
Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.
Duan: Is that a threat?
Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.
Duan: I know that’s right.
Vanessa: Where is our car?
Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.
Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.
Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.
Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.
Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.
[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.
Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.
Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!
Vanessa: What are you talking about?
Beck: You upset my wife.
Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?
Beck: What? No.
Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]
Beck: Fine! Whatever.
Duan: Happy honeymoon.
Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.