Bartender… Kenan Thompson
Chip Fister… Woody Harrelson
Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth. There are two customers.]
Bartender: Okay, last call, you two. Order now before I turn on the lights and you really see what’s going on with yourselves.
Chip Fister: Bartender, [Cut to Chip Fister] I have a legal speed ball that’s red bull and ambien.
[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]
Sheila Sauvage: And I’ll take a tequila and condensed milk, please. I’m meeting a friend here tonight, Mr. Al K. Hal. [laughing]
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]
Chip Fister: Ah! I see there’s still one dried up old leaf that hasn’t dropped off the tree yet.
[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]
Sheila Sauvage: Why don’t you wreck me up in a pile and jump on top of me before you bag me and leave me on the curb for someone else to deal with, huh?
[Cut to Chip Fister]
Chip Fister: Sounds like a job for my leaf blower. Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows.
[Cut to Bartender looking at Chip Fister disgusted.]
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]
Sheila Sauvage: Hey, is this stool taken? Coz, the one I’m sitting on’s got a nail that’s giving my butt meat the what for.
Chip Fister: Screw it on over. I don’t bite. My poligrip won’t allow it.
[Sheila Sauvage moves near Chip Fister]
Sheila Sauvage: I noticed you over here coz you’re so breathing.
Chip Fister: And I noticed you coz you’re vertical and you have a pepperoni on your neck.
Sheila Sauvage: Then it worked.
[Sheila Sauvage takes the pepperoni out of her neck and eats it.]
[Cut to Bartender]
Bartender: Okay, let’s wrap it up. Moonlight come and me wanna go home.
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage. Sheila Sauvage puts her hand on Chip Fister’s shoulder.]
Sheila Sauvage: Hey, they call me Sheila Sauvage. They being the people who hold bathroom key at White Castle. What’s your mommy yell when she wants you to come home for dinner, huh?
Chip Fister: Chip. Chip Fister. Which is weird because I work as Lays as a chip shifter. I pick out the gross ones.
[Cut to Bartender]
Bartender: You sure do.
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]
Chip Fister: What do you do for a living?
Sheila Sauvage: Oh, me? I replaster unpopular glory holes.
Chip Fister: I think I’ve seen your work.
[Bartender giving them drinks]
Bartender: Alright, alright. Here you go, name and nut. I put them into go cups coz you need to go.
Chip Fister: Wow. I’ve been looking at you all night. You were, uhhh [gesturing average] But now I’m thinking, yeww.
Sheila Sauvage: And you? You had me at when you didn’t leave with the others.
[Cut to Bartender]
Bartender: Could you two hurry this up? I gotta get up at the dawn.
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]
Sheila Sauvage: Alright. You heard the man. Let’s speed this mama up and take the express train to Penetracia.
Chip Fister: As long as you don’t mind taking a detour through STDetroit.
[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage start touching each other’s faces]
Sheila Sauvage: Are you feeling what I’m feeling?
Chip Fister: You’re feel it’s an impulse to rech, then yes, but I’m willing to ignore it.
Sheila Sauvage: Wait, hang on. Hang on. Apparently there’s a lot of nasty stuff going around since the CDC.
Chip Fister: And who knows better than the sinner for doing it correctly?
[Sheila Sauvage takes plastic wrap out]
Sheila Sauvage: We need to use protection. Bar keep, I’m gonna borrow a square foot of your cling wrap if that’s okay.
[Cut to Bartender]
Bartender: But that’s not my front.
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]
Sheila Sauvage: Alright.
[Sheila Sauvage covers her face with plastic wrap paper and kisses Chip Fister]
[Cut to Bartender looking at them shockingly.]
[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kissing with the plastic on.]
Chip Fister: Oh, oh! Hey! Let’s==
Sheila Sauvage: That was unstrordinary.
Chip Fister: I think I dejaculated.
Sheila Sauvage: You know what, buster? We’re gonna live on the edge here. Come on.
[Sheila Sauvage puts the plastic wrap on again]
Chip Fister: Yeah! Hey, let’s break the seal on this deal.
[Chip Fister makes a hole on the plastic]
Sheila Sauvage: I’ve been breached.
[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kiss without the plastic wrap]
[Bartender is putting kerosine everywhere]
Bartender: Well, I gotta kill us all, I guess.
[cheers and applause]