Last Call with Woody Harrelson

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Chip Fister… Woody Harrelson

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth. There are two customers.]

Bartender: Okay, last call, you two. Order now before I turn on the lights and you really see what’s going on with yourselves.

Chip Fister: Bartender, [Cut to Chip Fister] I have a legal speed ball that’s red bull and ambien.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: And I’ll take a tequila and condensed milk, please. I’m meeting a friend here tonight, Mr. Al K. Hal. [laughing] [Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: Ah! I see there’s still one dried up old leaf that hasn’t dropped off the tree yet.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Why don’t you wreck me up in a pile and jump on top of me before you bag me and leave me on the curb for someone else to deal with, huh?

[Cut to Chip Fister]

Chip Fister: Sounds like a job for my leaf blower. Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows.

[Cut to Bartender looking at Chip Fister disgusted.] [Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, is this stool taken? Coz, the one I’m sitting on’s got a nail that’s giving my butt meat the what for.

Chip Fister: Screw it on over. I don’t bite. My poligrip won’t allow it.

[Sheila Sauvage moves near Chip Fister]

Sheila Sauvage: I noticed you over here coz you’re so breathing.

Chip Fister: And I noticed you coz you’re vertical and you have a pepperoni on your neck.

Sheila Sauvage: Then it worked.

[Sheila Sauvage takes the pepperoni out of her neck and eats it.] [Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Okay, let’s wrap it up. Moonlight come and me wanna go home.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage. Sheila Sauvage puts her hand on Chip Fister’s shoulder.]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, they call me Sheila Sauvage. They being the people who hold bathroom key at White Castle. What’s your mommy yell when she wants you to come home for dinner, huh?

Chip Fister: Chip. Chip Fister. Which is weird because I work as Lays as a chip shifter. I pick out the gross ones.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: You sure do.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: What do you do for a living?

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, me? I replaster unpopular glory holes.

Chip Fister: I think I’ve seen your work.

[Bartender giving them drinks]

Bartender: Alright, alright. Here you go, name and nut. I put them into go cups coz you need to go.

Chip Fister: Wow. I’ve been looking at you all night. You were, uhhh [gesturing average] But now I’m thinking, yeww.

Sheila Sauvage: And you? You had me at when you didn’t leave with the others.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Could you two hurry this up? I gotta get up at the dawn.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright. You heard the man. Let’s speed this mama up and take the express train to Penetracia.

Chip Fister: As long as you don’t mind taking a detour through STDetroit.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage start touching each other’s faces]

Sheila Sauvage: Are you feeling what I’m feeling?

Chip Fister: You’re feel it’s an impulse to rech, then yes, but I’m willing to ignore it.

Sheila Sauvage: Wait, hang on. Hang on. Apparently there’s a lot of nasty stuff going around since the CDC.

Chip Fister: And who knows better than the sinner for doing it correctly?

[Sheila Sauvage takes plastic wrap out]

Sheila Sauvage: We need to use protection. Bar keep, I’m gonna borrow a square foot of your cling wrap if that’s okay.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: But that’s not my front.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright.

[Sheila Sauvage covers her face with plastic wrap paper and kisses Chip Fister] [Cut to Bartender looking at them shockingly.] [Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kissing with the plastic on.]

Chip Fister: Oh, oh! Hey! Let’s==

Sheila Sauvage: That was unstrordinary.

Chip Fister: I think I dejaculated.

Sheila Sauvage: You know what, buster? We’re gonna live on the edge here. Come on.

[Sheila Sauvage puts the plastic wrap on again]

Chip Fister: Yeah! Hey, let’s break the seal on this deal.

[Chip Fister makes a hole on the plastic]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ve been breached.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kiss without the plastic wrap] [Bartender is putting kerosine everywhere]

Bartender: Well, I gotta kill us all, I guess.

[cheers and applause]

Last Call with Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Letser… Adam Sandler

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

Melba Toast… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth.]

Bartender: All right everybody, last call. So you bar flies either need to find a place to lay your eggs or fly home to your dumps.

Bernie Letser: Not so fast, bartender. [Cut to Bernie] I think I’ll have one more Hot Toddy.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ll have a Pinot gris ho. That’s a dry red with a potato skin floater. I’m not driving. Not with this. [Sheila shows her heels] He went to Jared.

[Cut to Bartender, Bernie and Sheila]

Bartender: Oh, my god, just drink ‘em and git. I got to find a church that’s still open.

[Bartender leaves]

Bernie Letser: Well, well, well. Spring has sprung and it looks like there’s one little daisy sucking up the last of this stinking by water.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow, well, you know what they say, April showers bring memories of that shower I had in April. I’m Sheila Sauvage. [Sheila puts her arm on Bernie’s shoulder] You can remember that because if you shake up the letters, it spells shallow veg.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Yes, hello. You got the number of CDC? I want to report two new viruses.

[Cut to Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: You know my name, Fella, what about you? What’s on your apartment buzzer?

Bernie Letser: Other than the notice from animal control that ways we’ll try again tomorrow. It says Bernie Letser.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. When I first saw you I was like, not for a million dollars. Now I’m like, I’ll do it for five. You got to show me the five first.

Bernie Letser: Well, I’m packing five if you measure from my head.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh!

[Melba joins]

Melba Toast: He’s right. It’s an Inny when it’s hard. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] Hi, I’m his wife, Melba Letser Toast. Is this our third? She’s human, right?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. I didn’t see you there. I thought you were an eye floater.

Melba Toast: Oh, it’s not your fault. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] I was on the floor.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, yeah? Were you doing business or looking for gum?

Melba Toast: Actually neither. My colostomy bag got caught in the jukebox and things went south from there. Am I turning you on?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: No baby.

Sheila Sauvage: You know, god must have spent a little more time on you, cause there are so many ideas going on here.

Melba Toast: Well, you should know, we’re poly.

Sheila Sauvage: Amorous?

Melba Toast: Cystic. Lots of Cysts.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Here’s looking at you, kid. [Bartender puts a dynamite in his mouth and lights it] [Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: So how shall we start this little ménage a toilet? Double 69?

Sheila Sauvage: Maybe we start with a Seven11, that’s where we all get in bed and roll around like old hot dogs and not touch each other.

Melba Toast: Well. We’re on board. [Melba supports her breasts with her hands and puts it on the booth. It sounds very heavy.] [Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Just get your gross on already.

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: You heard the man.

Sheila Sauvage: All right. Hang on. I want to be fresh here. Excuse me.

[Sheila takes a cleaner spray out and sprays in her mouth] [Sheila then sprays in Melba’s mouth] [Sheila and Melba start kissing badly, licking each other’s mouths] [Sheila then sprays in Bernie’s mouth] [Sheila wipes Melba’s face with a wiper and starts kissing Bernie badly]

Bernie Letser: Well, I just had an orgasm.

[Sheila wipes her own face with a wiper]

Melba Toast: I didn’t finish but I am done.

Sheila Sauvage: I’m wet but it’s definitely just sweat from my butt. All right. Well, since we’re all dogs, I guess there’s just one thing to do. Let’s lady and the Tramp this sucker. Hey, bar keep, is this spaghetti still in the garbage?

[Bartender brings up the garbage and give them the spaghetti]

Bartender: It absolutely is.

Sheila Sauvage: Let’s arrange this here.

Bernie Letser: Okay, nice.

[They put spaghetti in their mouths and then suck them in]

Sheila Sauvage: Careful. Just like the movie, baby.

[Cut to bartender. He has a moustache and a harmonium.]

Bartender: [Starts playing harmonium and singing]

This is the night
such a beautiful night

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila eating spaghetti with their fists] [Cut to bartender]

Love makes fools of us all. All right, time for the drone strike.

[Cut to everybody. Bartender is controlling the drones flying around.] [Cut there is an explosion in the bar]