Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks] [Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating] [to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.] [Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]

Scorpio

Steve… Dwayne Johnson

Linda… Cecily Strong

Sue… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with comic pages turning]

Male voice: I was just an ordinary guy… until the extraordinary happened. [scorpions are biting this guy. After that, he has become strong and now is fighting as a hero.] And extraordinary is just what this city needed.

[Cut to Linda speaking on phone in her office]

Linda: Maximilian is no joke. He is destroying the entire north side of the city. I can’t even get reporters on the field. It’s too dangerous.

Steve: Linda! [Linda gets scared as she thought she was alone. Steve is in his super hero costume.] Don’t be afraid.

Linda: Steve?

Steve: It’s me. I am, well, different.

Linda: What? What happened?

Steve: It’s hard to explain. But now I possess the super abilities of a scorpion, enhanced strength, deadly grip and venomous sting. With my powers and this armor that I created, I vow to become the vigilante this city needs. I came here to say goodbye just in case I don’t come back.

Linda: That’s incredible, but hold on. You made that?

Steve: What? The suit?

Linda: Yeah! You sewed that?

Steve: Yes. Yes, I did. Now this city won’t need to–

Linda: It’s gorgeous.

Steve: You think so?

Linda: I do. You made it with your own hands?

Steve: Yes, I did.

Linda: When?

Steve: Oh, just last night.

Linda: In just one night?

Steve: [laughing] Yes. It’s really easy once you settle on the… what’s it? Oh, silhoutte.

Linda: Steve!

Steve: It’s Scorpio now.

Linda: Scorpio, this is insane. Like, your super powers include impeccable tailoring?

Steve: Well, I- I had that from before.

Linda: From before? Oh, my god! I just noticed the little zipper on the side.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

[Sue and Aidy walk in]

Sue: I heard Maximilian attacked a hospital.

Aidy: Oh my god! What is this outfit?

Linda: He made it.

Steve: I made it. I made it.

Sue: Shut up. No, you didn’t.

Aidy: Okay, the zipper is–

Steve: I know, I know. It’s a little wonky. I just rushe because the hospital was going to explode.

Linda: Girls. Look, the little scorpion on the buckle matches the detailing on the shoulder.

Steve: Oh, but let me ask you. You don’t think it’s too much, do you? Because I was worried that the buckles might be a little too much.

Linda: No, no. Like, if I saw it laid out on a table, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s too much.” Seeing it on you, I’m like, “No, it’s perfect.”

Aidy: Yeah. I love that the fabrics are a mix of high and low. Honestly, for me it’s a full yes.

Steve: Oh, great. Well, you know, I didn’t want to be too matchy-matchy.

Sue: I feel like it could use a scorpion on the chest.

Steve: No.

Aidy: Disagree.

Steve: God, no.

Linda: Too literal.

Steve: No. I want it to feel like scorpion by suggesting themes like danger, poison, night. And it’s a very earthy color story.

Sue: yeah. But I just think it could be a cool–

Steve: No, I know, but it’s a garment, it’s not a costume.

Sue: Alright. Alright.

Steve: Yeah. I mean scorpion on the chest. What? Do you wear a blouse with like “Sue’ written on it?

Sue: Alright!

Aidy: Oh, dear god! I didn’t see the back.

[Steve turns around. There’s a big hole at the back.]

Girls: Oh!

Steve: Thank you. I just wanted a little, you know, like, [slaps his own butt] umm!

Sue: Look at that butt!

Steve: Oh, it’s– it’s padded. Shh.

Steve: Could you make something for me?

Aidy: I honestly feel like this might be your thing, Steve.

Steve: Scorpio!

Aidy: Scorpio. I need to see a whole collection from you, Scorpio.

Sue: Yeah. Being a superhero is a skill, but designing is a talent.

Radio: Maximilian threatens to blow up city hall in five minutes. This city needs a hero.

[Steve turns the radio off]

Steve: I made a capelet for winter missions. Would you guys like to see it?

Girls: Oh, yes!

[Steve pulls out his cape with scorpion print]

Linda: What? How did you get it to not crease at the seams?

Steve: Yeah. I actually cut it along the bias.

Aidy: Oh, I cannot!

[explosion sound]

Linda: Oh, my god! City hall.

Steve: Should I design wedding dresses?

Sue: Yes! Please!

[Ends with a comic picture of a Scorpio Boutique]

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach:
You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth] [Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.] [Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.] [Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]